In being annoyed at this?(54 Posts)
I have a feeling that I may be being unreasonable but thought I'd ask for the judgement of AIBU
Neither DH or myself drive. I'm due to have DC3 by ELCS next month. Since I was about 4 months pregnant, MIL offered to come up the night before to take DH and I to the hospital early on the day of ELCS. She would also be looking after DDs. We agreed and gave her the date we strongly suspected it was going to be on. We have mentioned the date 2 - 3 times since and double checked MIL was ok to still take us when my mum asked how we were planning to get to the hospital and childcare. MIL confirmed this was still fine.
DH starts a new job at the beginning of next month and his first actual week after training will be the week of ELCS. He will be able to have that day off but the week after we knew we would need help RE childcare as he starts work before nursery and school open. As I will be unable to do the school run via bus for the first few weeks, my mum was going to stay with us a few days and then halfway through the week MIL would come back up. I was hoping to take over the school run at 3 weeks post section.
I saw the consultant this week and he booked me in for the date we suspected. PIL visited yesterday and we confirmed that date. DH mentioned about MIL staying, to which FIL piped up about them being busy on those days. Basically, PIL bought a caravan almost 2 months ago now. They have been looking, not very much, for a site for their caravan to go on. It has been decided that on the day of ELCS and the day after they will be looking at prospective caravan sites with BIL and his wife. Nothing is booked yet, but it doesn't look like they will change those plans now.
MIL is a part time supply teacher. The week before ELCS is her schools half term. BIL is also a teacher and his half term is the week of ELCS. MIL will be working the first 3 days of that week, so they want to go on the Thursday/Friday and SIL will take a day off to go. DH is annoyed and upset at this, as he is wondering why they can't a) go on MIL half term week or b) go at the weekend of ELCS week. MIL pretty much said nothing apart from mentioning about my mum coming up instead. I've spoken to my mum, who will be able to come up and do what MIL was going to do, but she won't be able to come up the first half of the week after now, which leaves us in a sticky position RE childcare again. By the sounds, MIL isn't planning on coming up until the week after now so will not see DC3 until then and we have no idea when FIL will visit. My parents have foster children and only one car so DM is hiring a car to accommodate the change in plans.
I must mention now that there is history of everything being organised around BIL and plans being changed to accommodate his wants. Also history with FIL, who made it clear being DH and I got married that he didn't like me and told DH not to marry me and who didn't see DD1 until she was 6 weeks old because she was an unplanned pregnancy and he was only told about her when I was heavily pregnant, as per MIL wishes (who had known since I was 3 months pregnant that he knows nothing about). We (FIL and I) are civil for the sake of DC.
AIBU to be annoyed at this? DH is annoyed that a caravan site is supposedly more important than the birth of their GC. He has not aired his discontent with them yet. There is no particular reason why it has to be that week they go, apart from BIL having his half term then.
<dons hat> Hit me with it - AIBU? and in advance
YABU. Very annoying. I hate relying on other people but if they had offered to help it does seem unreasonable. What does DH say? I know it's not much use right now but can you or DP not learn to drive? My mum didn't drive and it really affected my childhood and my ability to rely in other people even now.
At the present time we lack the money for either of us to learn, but this should change in the very near future with DH getting this job. Both DH and I will learn this year by hook or crook, most likely to be DH due to the recovery time for ELCS for me, but DH learning won't quite be in time for the arrival of DC3 unfortunately.
Realised I didn't answer all of your post
DH is annoyed and upset at this but has not really said anything to his parents yet. He has spoken to me about it and he holds the same view as I do.
If they'd already agreed to help and then suddenly they are backing out that is unfair. I'd just rely on your mum and ignore MIL.
Yabu to expect that you should get this much help in the first place, but YANBU to be annoyed that plans that you thought were sorted have been changed.
I'm sorry to say it, but I don't have much sympathy for your situation I'm afraid. If you are going to have three children you need to be able to look after them between the two of you, even in the early days.
Help from parents should be a 'nice to have' not an essential.
I don't think that you are being unreasonable to be annoyed about it but I don't think there's much you can do. DH could possibly ask his mum to reconsider but you can't force her to.
Oh you have other children too?? Missed that bit
Definitely BU then! Your DH needs to do more
I think it is understandable you are hurt and upset. Your plans were in place and have been overturned on a seeming whim.
Is there any chance you can delay the ELCS by a couple of days until your mum can be there? I would ask unless you have a major medical reason it has to be that date. Otherwise the kids aren't going to school for a few days.
I must say though that I don't quite understand how when neither of you drive you set your life up so you need to bus to school and nursery. This shouldn't be necessary at primary level surely? And also seems to mean you don't live in the community of the school or else I would assume you could ask another mum to at least take the older one to school. I do find that odd.
I can walk to my kids school as most times dp has the car for work so it isn't an option.
YANBU to be upset at the sudden change in plans but you are being VVU to have made those plans to begin with!
It's said time and time again on here: your children are your responsibility. It's nonsensical that by dc3 neither of you drives! If you can afford 3 children, you can afford a few lessons and a little runaround.
I'm sorry but whilst there is obviously history and yor PILs are being horrible to spring this on you now, it's nobody's fault but your own (as in you and DP) that you're in this position.
Btw we have 3 and have struggled massively with finances but a car is an absolute necessity. Also, are you paying for the car that your mother has to rent?!
Clouds - we didn't expect any help, it was offered, which is why as you pointed out we thought things were 'sorted'. The help for DM or MIL staying over was offered also and yes it is nice to have, especially with DH starting this new job and his work hours starting before childcare is available. DD1 is in reception, which is the reason for the help, if she was still in nursery then I would have just kept them at home.
Fran - DM can be there when MIL was meant to be there but won't be able to come the week after. There is only one catholic school in our town, which is where DD1 goes. We could walk but it would take quite a long time to get there. I don't really know any of the mums to be honest, I do know some live a bit further out than we do but they drive.
Are there any of your other DCs friends who you could ask (and offer petrol money) to do the school run for you for those weeks? Or any local friends of yours? I have to agree that you're being unreasonable to rely so much on other people, you say that they offered but what would you have done if you didn't? How old are your other DCs? How far away is the school?
So what would you have planned if none of the help had been offered?
I am baffled by some replies! YADNBU!
How on earth is it unreasonable to expect the help that has been offered?!
Could your dh explain that situation to your BIL and see if he could rearrange the plans from his end instead of it coming from you?
Does your dh not get paternity leave? If you have no childcare then your dh will have to stay home with dcs and you go to hospital. Or find another sitter.
It is awkward that they agreed and are now saying no, but there is every possibility that they could have saod no to begin with.
Oh for goodness sake! You cannot cover all eventualities however many children you have.
The OP was offered help and it's been withdrawn. Are you expected always turn down offers and fend for yourselves because that might happen?
OP YANBU and your DH needs to have words!
Does BiL know the disruption he's caused? Could you speak to him?
As a grandmother I can honestly say YADNBU.. The birth of a grandchild and the childcare of the other grand children is more paramount than anything.... your ILs are being totally unreasonable especially when the offer of help had already been made and checked upon.
I travelled 300 miles to support my daughter and her family when she gave me my 4th Grandchild and enjoyed every minute of it, that is how families work.
I feel sorry for those of you who are sat there bleating if you can afford 3 children you should be responsible for all arrangements what a sad existence you must lead.
As for driving it is not an essential especially in this financial recession the amount of funds it takes to learn, take your test, buy a car, tax the car and pay the exorbitant Insurance and petrol prices, that will take finances away from providing for the family and it's growing needs..... so wind your necks in and stop being so judgmental.
I hope everything goes well for you and your family Eric xx
You have various options:
(1) Tell your various ILs how you're feeling and explain that you feel you & your family's needs should be prioritised. Explain calmly that you are family and need to stick together at key moments. (See the post by the lovely diaimchio upthread).
(2) Put up with it, fume and resent. It may drive a wedge between you and your ILs, which would be a shame.
(3) Pay for help, use taxis (if you have the means).
(4) Ask other parents you know (your DC's friends' mums and dads) if you can call in a few favours for a month or two. You say you don't know them that well - well, here's your chance to find out who you want to be mates with! I personally would have no problems helping someone recovering from a CS or simply with a new baby and older children to do the drop off/pick up/ help with childcare. I am sure many other people would feel the same - it's not so long ago that we were in your position.
Hope it works out.
And for anyone saying you're BU to 'expect help', for chrissake, no one usually tries for a child expecting an ELCS or knowing due dates. It's not unreasonable to expect family to pull together. It's not like she's expecting the GPs to provide regular childcare - it's a one-off.
YADNBU - the details don't matter, if somebody volunteers to cover you for childcare for a ELCS and then confirms the date repeatedly they CANNOT just drop out for no real reason.
However, it sounds to me like your MIL might be an ok sort but FIL is odd. If so, ask MIL without FIL being there if she will honour her agreement. If not, there isn't much you can do except never rely on MIL again unless you know she's got the permission she appears to need from FIL.
Especially as the help was offered then withdrawn at short notice.
Oh, and it's nothing to do with driving - you'd be advised not to do the school run via car either for at least three weeks if not the full six.
Thank you all for your replies.
If we'd known we had no help available at all then I would have spent the past few months trying to sort out something. We did originally look into childminders who do the pick up/drop off for her school but they were all full for the foreseeable future and this was before I even got pregnant. DH has been doing the school run in between job searching and I've been taking DD2 to nursery as it is close to university, where I'm a student.
MIL rang this morning and DH said it was a bit of an odd conversation eg. How's the weather? DH didn't mention anything regarding yesterdays conversation. FIL has rung this afternoon to apologise to DH as apparently MIL had been awake all night thinking about what FIL had said about the caravan and them not being around those days. He said of course they would change it and it wasn't meant to come across as that they wouldn't be around. However, DH clarified after FIL had said about them being away those days and FIL said yes that's when they were going . Also MIL said that she would call up the week before and the week after baby was born just after we'd had the original conversation and only said about my DM being here on week of baby being born. DH thinks they're back peddling and has asked me to see whether my DM has booked the time off work already. I don't want to mess her around but will speak to her.
DH isn't entitled to paternity leave as he only starts the job at the beginning of next month. He can have the section day off and that's it. DD1 is on half term the week of ELCS, nursery also runs a holiday club but doesn't open until 8am and we need to be at the hospital, which is a fair way away, for 7.30am otherwise we would have just dropped off both DDs and got a taxi to the hospital.
I didn't want to say originally but even if we could drive we wouldn't be able to afford a car at the moment. Our financial situation is less than perfect at the moment but hopefully with this new job things will change. Yes we have offered petrol money to whoever asked, to both MIL/DM but have been told not to worry about it.
Have you any friends who could help out? Ds1 went and stayed over with our friends the night before my elcs with ds2. It helped us out because we didn't have to worry about getting him somewhere before getting to the hospital, and he felt that he was doing something for him because he was massively spoilt by my mate so didn't feel like he was being pushed out.
We are lucky also in that our neighbours kids went to the same school as ds1, so he could cadge a lift with them once dh had gone back to uni and before mum came to look after us, anyone you can ask in your eldest's class?
YANBU at all to be pissed off with the inlaws for changing plans, it's the kind of stunt mine would pull too. Self centred totally. I would probably end up cutting off my nose to spite my face and telling them I didn't need their help after them messing me around so badly
Can you speak to the nursery and explain that you have a C-section that day and is there any chance someone could be there to meet your child at 7.30am? i know the hospital want you in for 8 but actually you will probably be one of two ladies having a section that morning by your specific consultant.
YANBU at all.
I don't understand posters saying 'your child, your problem' (or similar). The help was offered by family. What kind of parent offers their grown-up child help in this manner, to do with the birth of a grandchild, and then pulls out because they'd rather look round caravan sites - something they could really do any time?
My parents are incredibly supportive to DH and I, and there is just no way on earth I could imagine them doing this.
yanbu I would be pissed of if someone had said they would help me. the backed out.
yabu that neither of you can drive
YANBU I would move heaven and Earth to be there for my Ds and DIL to watch the kids while they go to have another baby.
I'd ask if it can be delayed till the day your Mom can be there.
Ah the world of mumsnet where yabu to have offers of support.
I live in inner outer middle of no where, I am an orphan with no friends, I was doing the school run one day after my section. Woman up!
How dare anyone rely on their nearest and dearest at a hectic and stressful time. No man is an island, we are designed to live in groups, getting support is normal. Being bumped for a caravan is shot. YANBU
Yanbu. Cannot believe those who said yabu on some daft principle that you must never ever expect any help whatsoever. Bunch of martyrs that lot.
Meanwhile, what kind of odd parents put caravans before an arrangement to help out their son and his wife and their gcs? That is your fil making a petty point, I'm afraid.
Personally, I would write them off as any help, never take any offer of help from them seriously again and actually not see them that much. They can't be arsed to fulfil their promises - stuff them. You can't let people down like that on a caravan whim.
It must be shit for the stand alone people here, standing alone in their martyrdom, being amazeballs at everything and doing it all alone. it must be shit to have no one to care enough for you to want to help. Thankfully most people do have friends and family members who are there for each other, we all need to rely on someone else sometimes.
Agree mrs also very sad for their dc's who will get no help from their parents if they ever need it
Friend tells me their moving house, my first thought is lovely, do you need a hand. Sister is pregnant with dc3 and the next thing out my mouth after congratulations is "let me know when you want me to take the boys"
It's normal to offer, it's normal to accept and if you're used to nice people being nice a little expectation maybe does grow.
YANBU they are being completely U.
Last year I changed holiday plans, I re-arranged work and I turned down some work so I could be around for a friend who was due to have her baby. They really didn't know when he was going to arrive due to complications and we had a 6 week period to deal with. I did it because I care about them. I looked after their other two kids a lot and stayed over quite a bit. I had their two when she finally went in to have the little one and ended up with them for a fortnight because there were complications and she and the baby had to be taken to a London hospital. Friends - friends that I have only been friends with for 2 years. It wasn't a big deal, I'd do it again, I'm nothing special. If PIL can't even do what little they have offered here, it's pretty shit.
It is shit doing it alone MrsKeithRichards
I did it two c-sec living rural Dh got one day off to bring us home and a 5 year old to boot second time. Luckily for me the baby came early (surpise C-sec) and Ds was off school for holidays and I could take 3 weeks before needing to do the school run (20 mile round trip in a manual transmission truck) Still I started bleeding all over and took 3 times as long to heal from this delivery. So I'll be the MIL dropping everything to help as needed and not backing out, but re arraigning everything to suit.
Hope you can get some help OP just for your own peace of mind.
YANBU. An offer of help was made and accepted, and for something significant - not a night at the pub! Your PIL are crap to rearrange now. I haven't followed the complexity of the arrangements, but I think your DH would be within his rights to say "actually we were disappointed that you have cancelled your offer to us, to do something else. It makes me wonder where my family come in your list of priorities". Nobody could argue that they have gone back on a commitment and this has indeed made you wonder!
YANBU but on the practical side you mention DD goes to a catholic school. Could you mention the problems to your parish priest and he'll probably identify someone else in the congregation who can help you. We live quite rurally and travel to Mass and have been asked to transport other parishioners before if their regular lift is on hols or similar. We are delighted to do so and would respond in the same way if asked to do a school run.
YANBU-if they offered to help then they shouldnt be messing you around now and you or your dh needs to point this out to them.
Saying that I am a little bit by the not being able to do school run thing by bus. I was doing the school run with elder child and toddler 7 days post section as dh had to go back to work. Sure someone offering to help would have been lovely but it wasnt going to happen!!
Probably wise now to sort out other options if pil are usually so unreliable...
Well said MrsKeithRichards!
Amothers - I will, of course, more than happily do the school run by bus as soon as I am able. My recovery time last time was longer than the emcs I had the first time. I was in absolute agony with the elcs and I only just managed to get out of the house at 8 days post section for a little walk. It was literally to the end of the road and back, it took it out of me massively and I really struggled. I am hoping that this time I will be ready for the school run at 11 days post section but it isn't just a small walk from the bus stop to school or the bus stop to nursery. My section is on a Thursday and there's no chance I'll be ready to do the school run from the Monday, which is why we were glad to have the help offered for that week.
Thank you all for your replies. Apparently they now won't be going anywhere, but I already re-arranged plans with my DM as she needed as much notice as possible to sort out things. No doubt this will cause some annoyance on behalf of FIL, but god knows!
YANBU. You know where you stand in their priorities and I'd be upset on behalf of your DH, if nothing else.
I had a loss easy birth, 3 hours start to end, wee sook on the gas and air and no tearing. This was the Sunday, I attempted half the school run on the Friday with dh there and I felt like my womb was going to fall out.
Yanbu, families are there to support each other, it's about give and take!
The fact that they are changing plans to look around a caravan site rather than help out with dc is ridiculous. I'd be fumming. The fact that they have half term the week before makes it worse, surely if its do important they can look then?
Tbh I don't think they want to help and the caravan is just a bad excuse.
Id be fighting back the vitriol here I dont think UABU at all.
It makes me really sad when people take GC so much for granted - in my personal family - and with friends - things have gone dreafully wrong - and sometimes GC arnt possible =- how can people take them so for granted????
I feel so sorry for you that they value this caravan over the birth of the GC.
My childish side would say - bear the burden somehow and have DM to stay - and simpy be too busy or unable to have PILS over before or after birth...make them wait....not only have they let you down in such a dreadful manner but over something so purile...they could do any time...its not any time a grandchild comes into this world...
Def sounds like back issues - try and get through this as best you can and in future - start to learn to gently disegnage in terms of ever asking or relying on them for anything at all....dont set yourself up for dissaspointment...we also have v similar situ with DSIL always taking presedence over us - her time is far far more important than ours etc....we can re arrange our schedules because she wants something!!!
I just cant imagine what the back ground talks about this are " we need to check out that caravan"
" BUT eric north 3 is arriving on that day"
" yes luv, but this is the ....caravan we are talking about here....we can see eric north any time, so what you promised her - this is the only time bil is free...."
I really feel for you op - what a horrid experience just before the birth....
I had an ELC recently and altough some people can be up and about playing golf the next day - its of course safer and wiser to rest as much as you can for short run and long run.
Good luck, try and enjoy your baby - ignore them, be thankful you have your own DM there for you..... - the cross some of us have to bear!!!
I think your PILs are unreasonable to go looking for caravans when they have promised to help you, but:
Why do you need to be driven to hospital? Are there no connections by public transport? And you could always take a taxi.
Also, I don't entirely understand why you are unable to do a school run by bus for a few weeks post-birth? I have had two caesarian sections and was told to be up and about as much as possible afterwards - so walked around (carrying baby in sling) a lot. Presumably you have a pram for the baby and your school age children walk so why can't you do the school run?
I think it is quite unreasonable to expect so much help.
Everybody recovers differently from a section.I think they shouldnt have offered to do it if they didnt want to.
And actually asking the priest is a good idea at least then you will have help and actually might shame the gps in to helpi ng.
Have you been on public transport while heavily pregnant*mariannem*.What if she went in to labour she probably wouldnt have a hope.
why bother going to hospital at all - get pils to do op in the caravan!
YANBU I would be upset having a caravan pitch viewing take precedence. Sounds like it is FIL. I am one of the first to think people should just not expect lots of help but this is just not on as there had been an agreement.
Rainbow2000 - of course, I worked until my due date the first time round and either walked to work or took the bus, and walked 45mins to the hospital to be induced.
But of course you are right, everyone recovers at a different rate so sorry if I was insensitive OP!
Marianne - I am doing the school run/nursery run until the day before ELCS. We need to have transport as the hospital is a quite a way away and although there are buses and taxis, we have to be there for 7.30am and we cannot get childcare for DDs to start until 8am, which is the main reason for being offered the help. DM will be looking after DDs. Us being taken to the hospital is just a 'bonus' so to speak. Again, I'm going off the recovery for my last section in terms of resuming the school run but I know I won't be ready to do it at 3 days post section regardless. Still hoping to be ready as soon as possible though
I hope all goes well for you OP and your ILs decide to prioritise you and your baby over their caravan
It always amazes me why a CS is considered minor surgery and the mother is expected to get on her feet and get on with it with newborn in toe.
If it was other abdominal surgery and this expectation was still there - I bet some people would have a completely different view point!
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