To be upset that DH gets in a bad mood with me if any of the DCs are ill?

(55 Posts)
Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:37:38

He seems to think I'm the unreasonable one.

To give an example, one night last week our 3 year old DS went to bed and woke up about an hour later crying and feeling poorly. He was subsequently up until around 2am. During this time I dealt with him, DH just moaned that he was tired and went to sleep. The following day, even though it was me that had been up with DS, DH was in a foul mood with me, and wouldn't really speak to me, and instead just moaned about how tired he was. When the kids are ill DH goes very uncommunicative, and starts making smart arse comments at me like a child. He does it when I've been ill too, and I never get looked after at all if ill, I just have to soldier on.

About a year ago, DS was ill with a virus for almost a week, and again I stayed up with him every night, probably getting about 8 hours sleep in 4 nights in total. DH spent the whole time not talking to me, and just avoiding us really, and being like a surly child if I asked him to do anything.

He's like it with me too if either of our other children are ill. He also gets moody if any of them are badly behaved; DS woke up early this morning and had a tantrum because he's tired, and now it looks like I'm in for another day of not being spoken to by DH.

FelicityWasSanta Sat 05-Jan-13 09:40:06

Have you asked him why he does this?

he sounds like a dick

HecatePropolos Sat 05-Jan-13 09:41:23

Tell him he's a total arse.
And refuse to have anything to do with him when he's ill!
God help you if you ever get a serious illness, that's all I can say!

EuroShagmore Sat 05-Jan-13 09:42:04

What an arse.

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:42:09

I've asked him so many times why he does it and he denies it.

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:43:05

It's hard enough dealing with an unwell child but each time a child gets ill I just think "Here we go again" as I know the difficulty is going to be doubled as DH will act like a child too.

Gumby Sat 05-Jan-13 09:43:36

I hope he has some good points

Gumby Sat 05-Jan-13 09:44:53

Was he like this after you'd given birth? Dud he sulk & not help with the baby?

I can't stand people with no ounce of compassion or kindness

How will he cope when you're both old & frail?!

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:47:03

No he didn't help at all when I had the DCs, Gumby. He did help a little after DC3 was born, but then threw an almighty tantrum on my second day home, as he'd apparently spent hours doing things for me and I didn't appreciate it, and then threatened to leave me.

I had a chest infection about 18 months ago and was in bed, and he wouldn't even help get the kids things ready for school the next day so I had to do it.

Theicingontop Sat 05-Jan-13 09:47:28

To me, it sounds like he believes that child-rearing is your responsibility, not his, and if the kids are ill or misbehaving then you're not doing your job properly.

Correct me if I'm off-base, but where was he all those nights you were staying up with your sick child?

Is your DH one of those people who never gets ill?

Did he actually want to have kids? Sounds like he resents sharing you.

I'd play him at his own game and if he requests anything, say you're "too tired" to oblige.

BumpingFuglies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:48:11

My exH was like this too. I think it's because he felt threatened by it - like I was always the capable one, the nurturer. It was my job to care for the family and if I was ill or DS was ill, it somehow upset his feelings of security. It was very selfish and unacceptable, just one of the reasons he is now EXH wink

and then threatened to leave me.

He sounds just lovely.

littlestressy Sat 05-Jan-13 09:48:45

Does he have some kind of phobia about illness? Was he like this when you were ill before you had children? What is he like when HE is ill I would totally ignore him when he's ill if that's what he does to you and the children

Ummm, sounds pretty awful, especially him denying that he does it.

Softlysoftly Sat 05-Jan-13 09:49:52

Why are you with him?

Serious question, you need a partner who supports you, god forbid you get a serious illness you will be on your own.

Gumby Sat 05-Jan-13 09:50:14

Oh my god your latest post is shocking sad

Why on earth did you have 3 kids with this man?!

He didn't even help when you had a chest infection?

Do you love him?

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:50:40

Yep, he wanted children. He does get ill himself from time to time and is a typical man-flu sufferer when ill.

All of the nights when I was up with DS, DH was in bed getting a full night's sleep. I slept with DS either downstairs or in DS's room.

He definitely makes me feel like I've failed if the kids are ill.

What's he like with you and the DCs when you're not ill? Does he get grumpy when things aren't happening the way he thinks they should?

Yamyoid Sat 05-Jan-13 09:51:45

Is it because if the dcs or you are ill, it limits your availability to do things for him. Sounds like he's being a brat.

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:52:14

I do love him. He veers between 2 people. The nice, loving person, and then a sulky child if the kids are ill or he is inconvenienced. I think he is happy as long as everything suits him.

littlestressy Sat 05-Jan-13 09:52:16

I had a chest infection about 18 months ago and was in bed, and he wouldn't even help get the kids things ready for school the next day so I had to do it.

Just saw this, what can I say. He sounds like a total knob.

BertieBotts Sat 05-Jan-13 09:55:08

"He veers between 2 people. The nice, loving person, and then a sulky child if the kids are ill or he is inconvenienced. I think he is happy as long as everything suits him."

And I bet you all go out of you way in order to prevent this from happening?

HecatePropolos Sat 05-Jan-13 09:56:13

Youd better pray to god neither you nor your children ever have a long term illness or have a disabling accident because you already know you can't count on him.
I can't believe he said he'd leave you. He sounds awful, really awful.

yfuwchhapus Sat 05-Jan-13 09:56:22

Maybe it's his method of coping with the worry when you/DC are ill?

My friend is the most caring mum to her DC but when they are ill she can't look at them!! Will put them I front of the TV with duvet, take in food at appropriate time and run in if they have been sick etc...but otherwise she will just sit in a different room listening out for them! It's her way of coping, just can't cope when they are ill!

Just a thought or maybe he's a lazy bum!!

Meglet Sat 05-Jan-13 09:56:59

My XP was like that. Note the XP part. IMO any adult who doesn't pull their weight in a household is surplus to requirements.

I'm afraid I can't suggest anythng though, my XP would go into a rage if I asked him to help.

BumpingFuglies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:57:01

OP, my ex was like 2 people too - they sound very similar. He came home one day when DS was 6 days old (only took one day off work) and I was crying as struggling to BF. He yelled at me that I should be in a routine by now and he wasn't prepared to wait for his dinner. I think he was jealous of DS. Same when DS was ill - not enough attention on him.

You won't change him - you can only change yourself. Time to think about getting out IMO. It's not as hard as you might think.

ChristmasJubilee Sat 05-Jan-13 09:57:41

Could he be worried about them? Dh is a bit like this if one of the ds's is unwell especially ds3 who is a bit pampered "delicate". He leaves me to do everything for them and then is really abrupt with me and everything I do for them is wrong. I think he gets panicky when Ds3 is ill (he has been very unwell as a baby) as he always wants me to take him to OOH even when I know it's not necessary.

Or, he may just dislike his cosy little world being disrupted and be jealous of the attention they are getting!

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:58:03

The laziness I can cope with. I don't mind dealing with the DCs myself if they're ill. It's the bad moods I find difficult. Sulking, being uncommunicative, not talking to me, or just answering with short, snappy, cocky answers. All done with a 'look' on his face, as if I've done something dreadful.

AmberLeaf Sat 05-Jan-13 10:03:32

He sounds jealous of the attention you rightly give your children.

The moods and silent treatment are your punishment from him for not doing what he wants you to do ie make him the centre of your universe.

He sounds awful.

Get out for yours and your childrens sake. his behavior will have a lasting affect on their lives.

HappyNewHissy Sat 05-Jan-13 10:09:03

I've read enough.

You my love are in an abusive relationship.

When he threatens to leave again, take him up on that offer. This will only get worse love.

I'm so sorry

HappyNewHissy Sat 05-Jan-13 10:10:15

I bet he's a right wanker on their birthdays too, right?

What a truly tragic little man.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 05-Jan-13 10:10:52

Am sorry, he sounds horrible. its in the difficult moments of life that people really show their true colours, and his reaction sound like a selfish, egocentric immature little beep.

Have you ever sat down and really talked through what he does and how it makes you feel? or (and i suspect this is the case), does he get angry, defensive and turn it all back on you?

it sounds like he 'blames' you and is angry at you when things don't go according to plan or the situation demands that he helps/ supports. Thats not a sign of a good man I'm afraid.

is this the only thing wrong with your relationship, or are there a lot of other niggly things in the same vein? for example when you are running late, or the dc are tired/ upset? or dinner isn't on the table/ house tidied etc?

Its worrying you say 'he's happy as long as everything suits him'... thats no way to live, as it puts the responsibility on you to make everything run smoothly to keep the peace. hummmm.

pictish Sat 05-Jan-13 10:12:41

He's jealous of the time and affection you give the kids when they're ill.

It's not a good sign at all.

littlestressy Sat 05-Jan-13 10:14:26

The way he treats you and the children whenever you/they are ill. Threatening to leave you after birth of your 3rd child, like he's got an alter ego, happy only when things are running the way he thinks they should be or how he wants....sorry but it really sounds like emotional abuse.

3smellysocks Sat 05-Jan-13 10:22:45

Tell him to either support you and the kids properly while ill or go stay with a friend if he intends to be useless and vile.

What a knob!

Ltb.

SarahWarahWoo Sat 05-Jan-13 10:28:03

If he won't acknowledge it then point out his behaviour? Tell him how it impacts on you.

What do you say to him when he complains that he is tired when the children have been ill? Have you tried actually saying that it isn't your fault when the children are ill?

MrsTomHardy Sat 05-Jan-13 10:30:31

Yep he's a knob alright.

LoopsInHoops Sat 05-Jan-13 10:36:52

Seriously? Kick him out, selfish twat.

MadamFolly Sat 05-Jan-13 10:36:54

Ltb

BeaWheesht Sat 05-Jan-13 10:45:34

Hmmm dh is a bit like this though he's fine when I'm ill. With him it's stress. Doesn't sound like your dh is very nice generally though...

CailinDana Sat 05-Jan-13 10:59:44

My dad was caring and concerned when we were ill, my mother acted like it was a massive inconvenience. It has seriously affected me. Be aware that it will affect your children too - they will definitely notice your DH's attitude.

Nasty, nasty man. I'm so sorry OP - like a few other people on here, I've been in a similar relationship and it didn't end well.

pigletmania Sat 05-Jan-13 11:46:53

Sorry op what's his redeeming features? He sounds god awful and sometimes it takes an objective pair f eyes for someone to wake up and see the reality. I don't want to havevtomsay this but here goes: leave the bastard!

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 12:14:19

My first thought was is he jealous of the kids getting your attention?

shesariver Sat 05-Jan-13 12:23:20

This isnt going to end well. You have the choice now to do something about it. This isn't a proper relationship - where each partner mutually respects and supports each other.

CaptChaos Sat 05-Jan-13 12:30:44

Next time he threatens to leave, say in a bright happy voice 'Really? I thought you'd never do the right thing!' and pack his bags for him. I hope the door doesn't bang him on the arse on the way out.

He is a little boy playing at houses, this will not end well, make your escape plan.

ThereGoesTheYear Sat 05-Jan-13 12:32:24

What's he like when your attention is elsewhere for other reasons? When you go out on your own to see your friends/pursue your hobbies?
How is he when you're the centre of attention because it's your birthday/you've achieved something?
How does he react to you having male friends?

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 05-Jan-13 12:32:50

What are his good points? Because 'he's not always a twat' is not technically a good point.

post Sat 05-Jan-13 12:43:05

I think he probably does it to warn you off asking anything of him. If it works he'll keep doing it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 05-Jan-13 12:43:26

1) Kids get ill, its not your fault, you cant prevent it
2) Hes a dickhead, threatening to leave 2 days after bringing baby home, ffs did he ever grow up
3) I bet whenever hes i'll the world has to stop for him
4) Tell him to grow up or fuck off, if he does nothing you wont miss him.

"I think he is happy as long as everything suits him."
That red flag is waving from the hilltops. I'm so sorry, but he is a selfish, selfish person. You say that he wanted children, and I expect he did say so - all the better to tie you to him, you see. And the bragging rights to the outside world of how he is just sooo virile. <vomit>

He is not going to change, and he will probably get worse. You are probably walking on eggshells already. Someone who hadn't been ground down by this behaviour would have told him to fuck off already. sad

nickelbabylyinginamanger Sat 05-Jan-13 12:53:20

i want to know what he's like on their birthdays and at christmas, too.

OP: did you have a nice christmas?
what was it like?

missrlr Sat 05-Jan-13 13:38:37

This is your lightbulb moment. Simply by posting here you KNOW he is an unreasonable so and so and you are unhappy with it.
To clarify : this is emotional abuse
Who holds the purse strings?
Sort yourself a plan to get out of this relationship as it is. If you think he can change try talking and counselling. You may want or benefit from seeking help just for you also. If not or that has been done to no avail or fails then plan to leave and sooner not later.
Good luck

JamesBexleySpeed Sat 05-Jan-13 23:25:52

OP, is he an arse on your DCs birthdays?

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