To be absolutely livid with DH?(96 Posts)
Dd2 is 7 months and has been a nightmare sleeper for the past 3 nights and we are both knackered . It is usual for her to be awake between 12am til 5am the past few nights.
Tonight , I popped to the shop whilst DH put dd2 to bed .
I came home to hear DD2 absolutely screaming , really upset
I went straight up to her nursery to find she was sitting crying in her cot .
DH had decided to do a bit of controlled crying without even consenting me ! I'm fucking furious .
I cuddled her to sleep and she was sobbing in her sleep . My poor baby .
I agree she needs to be able to sleep better & although i would never judge those that do cc , he knows I don't want to do it .
He thought he would "save me the upset " and do it whilst I was out .
AIBU to kick him on to the couch tonight and snuggle by little baby all night ??!
yes he should have talked to you but he is just as much her parent as you are
YANBU, poor baby 7 months is far too young for any manner of "controlled crying".
I would be furious too.
How long had he left her for???
That's disgusting. I'd be furious, especially as he knows you don't want to do it!!!
Certainly snuggle little one all night, poor thing
I popped to asda and was cross with DH for not ringing me and letting me know baby was crying so I could come straight home.
Keep her in bed with you/
Yanbu, I would be pissed off too. Our DD was a terrible sleeper, 45min at a time until about 18months and at 29months has done one night 7-11 and 12-6 which was the best one so far.
The only time I would accept that situation is if DH has got to the end of his patience and put her somewhere safe while he took a few minutes out.
poor baby! I'd be furious you should BOTH decide on things such as CC. I'd be tempted to snuggle with her tonight and let hubby cry it out downstairs too
He says he had only left her for a few minutes , but the problem is she is used to being cuddled to sleep
He just laid her in her cot and shushed her then left the room. It was obviously a shock for her hence the upset
Also, what's the point of doing it when he puts her to bed given that (from what you've posted) she sleeps ok earlier on in the evening? You might as well make the most of the time she does sleep, and agree a strategy for the deathly 12-5 period. And as others have said, this should be agreed not just chosen by one person. You have to work as a team on this stuff.
YANBU. 3 nights and he decides he needs to do some 'sleep training'. Bollocks. He couldn't be arsed.
Wow, you guys need to sit down and discuss your tactics.
Poor new parents!
Sleep deprivation is so awful.
Hope your little one starts to let you get some rest soon.
Btw, you don't have to rush home if your DD cries, there is another parent there! Best of luck in working it all out.
For a start, how dim is he to think he could do it in one evening? They don't just scream themselves to sleep once and that's it!
I'm not a fan of cc and never did it but even I know THAT!
DH has realised how annoyed I am and now feels a bit guilty .
He says its just because he is so tired , he is desperate for her to sleep . I can kind of understand , but I still think he has gone the wrong way about it .
And I'm still
He is sleeping on the couch tonight - voluntarily (think be wants the sleep!)
She was sitting crying in her cot rather than go to sleep. She has kept you both up for three nights. I might get her ears checked to make sure there's not an underlying problem. But you left DH in charge. He did what he thought was best and he is her parent too. He probably also did it for you too.
CC was very common when mine were small. It worked for DS but not for DD who is much more stubborn. But I did used to pop DD in her cot and close the door when she was a baby for up to an hour so I could have some quality time with DS who was 3.5 when she was born. Usually when I went up to get her she was fast asleep and it stopped being a problem whilst she needed day time sleeps. Didn't work at night though.
CC did neither of them any harm; they are older teenagers now.
omg I would be furious too. Its not even controlled crying if he just put her down and left her to it, its crying it out which is purely barbaric at ANY age. Thoughtless, rather than malicious I would suspect, since he said he thought he would save you doing it since you were out, but I would still be incredibly cross!
Also if it has only been the last few nights this has been going on, then there is probably a reason for it.
Poor little baby.
I honestly don't think I could forgive that.
It's not the wisest choice in the world, but made under the influence of sleep deprivation I would say there are some mitigating circumstances. It's important that neither of you take big parenting decisions alone, but I think your best chance of discussing this constructively would be when you are all a little more rested.
Dont be emabarressed about snuggling your baby to.sleep. I did until 18 montns. No rods on my back.
If its not a problem then dont make it one.if it is then do.something that works for both of you and your dd. And YANBU.
Yanbu. I've been out in the eve twice since ds2 (8mo) was born, both times v local for a max of 2hrs (ebf won't take a bottle). Both times I told dh to call me if ds2 was unsettled/hungry/upset and I'd come back. He didn't (as wanted me to have some childfree time) and both times when I got back ds2 was upset and dh said he'd been upset most of the time I was out I hate the thought that I was out enjoying myself chatting to friends while ds2 was crying I'd much rather dh had called me but he thinks I'm too soft and it won't do him any harm to cry a bit.
If its a very recent change I wouldn't be surprised if she has a tooth coming in.
You need to talk (calmly) to dh about this so he doesn't try and do it again.
AFAIK cc was developed for 18mo+ olds and is much less likely to work for younger babies. This line of argument might work if your dh thinks you are 'soft'.
Well its something that you discuss, not just 'try it out' for sure. To be honest he's probably just so shattered, like you are, and a bit desperate. I'm not a fan of cc at all but cuddling her to sleep every night may mean that yyour DD is unable to settle herself again if she wakes. I did exactly this with mine and I do wonder if this is why they didn't settle.
I agree with Megatron
He says it was definitely only a few minutes , he had just popped to the loo then came downstairs as I walked in.
He thought the idea was to go back after 5 mins to settle her .
I've explained why I'm against it and he has promised it won't happen again - he says it was badly judged as he is just so tired .
I don't think there is anything wrong with her , she isn't crying when she wakes in the small hours - she is just awake and climbing about the cot .
I had a CareBear with a tummy that lit up and played a tune when DS2 stirred in the night, at this age.
Another thing you could try is "waking to sleep". Google it, it worked for me. Basically, you go in and rouse the baby, just enough for them to roll over, make a sound, but not wake fully. You do this a bout an hour before they normally wake. Sounds strange but it shifts their sleep pattern a bit.
I don't think 7 months is too young to gently get them used to the idea of not being cuddled to sleep, as well
I can see why you're annoyed but it's not the crime of the century. A one off isn't going to do any damage. He's apologised, move on.
If the cuddling to sleep isn't working for you (ie: she's waking up and needing to be cuddled back to sleep) there does need to be a plan that you both agree on as he is her parent too and entitled to an opinion.
It was a stupid thing to do - hopefully he realises that now.
If you are happy to rock/cuddle her to sleep for a long time to come then do it, but it will contribute to her being unable to settle herself in the night. They need the 'practice' of self settling at bedtime & naps.
Is she showing any signs of a tooth coming through?
(Megatron - I was hoping I'd see you around How did Christmas go for you? How has your new found assertiveness been serving you?? )
If it was only 5 minutes I can't really see the problem with it.
Well dd2 has just woke screaming again.
I think you may be right about the new tooth - her gums are hot. Is that a sign ??
(Been a long time since last baby )
Most babies go through periods when they're bad sleepers. Can fully appreciate you must both feel like death if you've been kept up for 3 nights but it's ridiculous to introduce "controlled crying" after such a short period. Who's to say she won't be okay and settle down tonight, tomorrow, even next week ?
Quite apart from anything he's hardly going to accomplish the whole controlled crying thing in the time it takes you to pop to the shop! ..... "saving you the upset" FFS! .... if it was that easy many many more parents would eagerly embrace the concept wouldn't they. All sleep issues solved in an hour or so. Sounds to me like he simply couldn't be bothered to go through the usual routine in your absence.
And obviously - any scheme for sorting out sleep problems should be discussed and agreed beforehand. Apart from being courteous and respectful, you both need to be on board 100% with whatever method/approach you may or may not decide on because controlled crying can be heart wrenching and infuriating and guilt inducing and worrying etc etc and you need determination to see it through.
I personally think CC is a very personal choice but I went through it with my youngest ..... but when she was almost 2 .... and after we'd gone to a "sleep advisor" (or some such title) at the clinic. She slept through - eventually - but the problem was actually laying her down to sleep. As a younger BF baby who'd fall asleep in my arms she'd wake up screaming 99% of the time when I laid her down. I spent many nights "asleep" sat up in a chair with her in my arms after several attempts at putting her down. Anyway - in the end it was desperation which led me to seek advice from the HV because we were both exhausted and resentful - and I'd always been concerned at CC. I was very wary of it but HV said no-one could say we hadn't tried everything else (adjusting feed times etc). TBH, it was awful for 3 or 4 nights - and I'd warned the neighbours - but then everything clicked and we wondered why we hadn't done it sooner. But of course, whether or not you do ultimately try CC is up to you - and I fully appreciate how daunting/worrying it sounds as I was like that. Just wanted to share in case problems persist .....
.... but really, right now, hopefully your baby is just going through a blip. She might be coming down with a cold for example and it was ridiculous and unkind for your DH to do what he did. You can't do "a bit" of CC because you need to be committed to it, and it's definitely not the sort of thing you make a unilateral decision about. I really do think he couldn't be arsed (maybe he was resentful you were getting "time off" - at the bloody shop !!) and has dressed up his laziness as somehow doing both you and the baby a favour!
Fingers crossed she settles down again soon.
DS2s sleep went all up the spout at this age. Started with teething then continued with habit, I believe.
I did end up doing CC when he was about 16 months.
As and aside, I really, genuinely don't know many people who don't/didn't allow their babies to cry a little when going to sleep. (Not talking about full-scale howling or screaming).
YABU, he made a decision you disagreed with, it will happen many times. And sometimes (shock horror) you'll do something he disagrees with. It will not have harmed your baby, you're probably more bothered than she is. YWBVU to make him sleep on the sofa over it.
Why do you get a greater say? I think you're overreacting.
YABU. Unless you want your DH to move out so you can snuggle your precious baby all night every night?
People make hasty and at times bad decisions when they are tired and desperate. Let it go.
Good god, I'm glad my DH was more patient with my parenting choices than you have been op!! My DH works nights, I had DS single handedly for most nights and days. To that end, I urged DS into a routine taking direction from him. I did CC at 5mo, he was exhausted and I was exhausted. After the second night, he was going to he's at 7. I then worked on getting him to stay there for a bit longer, that took about a week. He is now two, and a happy well adjusted child. I'm sure there's been times when I had to put him down and walk out the room when he was a baby, when I was so exhausted I had reached the end of my tether. All parents need a minute sometimes. It doesn't make them a bad person. My DS does not remember how 'mean' I was to leave him in his cot, safe warm and dry. He gets enough love off me all day every day, he is not mentally scarred because his selfish mum did CC at 5 mo
YABU. He is her parent just as much as you are. You are not the sole arbiter of her upbringing.
I think YABabitU but then you are probably as shattered as DH.
Leaving a baby safe, fed and dry in a cot crying for 5 minutes is not as horrible as you seem to imagine. I agree, if he thinks CC is the way to go then you both have to be on board with it and do it properly (not just shut the door and leg it) but at the same time, I think YABabitU to think that cuddling to sleep is a good long term strategy if you are both sleep deprived. Your DH sounds desperate and shattered.
His 'solution' was probably too drastic as he admits but I think he has a point that you can't necessarily continue with the cuddling to sleep thing forever (teething is different - their sleep patterns are shot when they are in pain and of course they need comfort)
YABU. She cried for 5 minutes. Fathers are parents too and allowed to make choices - why does your choice trump his?
He should have mentioned it to you first but sending him to sleep on the couch is a bit much.
He is her parent too. You don't get to dictate the rules any more then he does. He says it was 5 minutes. No big deal. You are over-reacting and will isolate your DH and be left to do all the parenting yourself as he will give up for fear of never getting it right.
Cuddling baby to sleep is no better a solution than leaving her to cry for 5 mins. You both need to work together to find a sensible solution that works for you. But YABVU to be livid with him for making his own parenting choice that is completely harmless but that you happen to disagree with.
OP, it definitely sounds like teething or something else is hurting her- have you been giving calpol? When my DD2 is in pain, she doesn't cry when she's with us- if we take her into our bed she will crawl all over us, won't settle but won't cry. She had a lot of ear infections from 6 months on and would act just like your DD.
What a mass overreaction to nothing this thread is.
Only on mumsnet.
I think the over reaction is to be "livid" and "furious" with your husband for making a different decision to you, and making him sleep on the sofa over it!
IMO (and I fully expect to be flamed) a lot of sleep problems persist for as long as they do because parents settle for the easy way out of cuddling/bf/<insert softly softly approach to sleep while still maintaining that "my baby doesn't sleep." I'm not talking newborn babies here but one/two/three year olds that still won't go to sleep unaided, and often the reason why is because they have never been enabled to.
It's understandable why they do, it can be distressing to listen to your baby cry for any period of time and to have to keep going back, picking up, returning to cot etc, but often babies have to be taught to self settle, and sometimes that means a bit of a harsh reality for both parent and baby.
In this instance your dh said it was five minutes. If he has a baby that screams every night there comes a point when you reach the end of your tether and then need to just walk away from the screaming baby. Equally if you have a baby that doesn't usually scream and then does so for three days solid it comes as an awful shock to the system and you reach a point where you reach the end of your tether and just need to walk away.
Making him sleep on the couch just undermines his position as a parent. You are no more of a parent than he is.
Agree with wannabe entirely.
What a lot of drama over sod all. Get a grip women!
Sorry pictish I thought you were saying the responses were an over reaction.
Oh God, she'll live.
Envious of you having lovely baby to snuggle. My kid are too big now. teenagers.
Jingle, a wee bit pet xx I'm a single mum, and i co slept (to give me peace) but i understand your frustration xx
YABVU. You've got a baby who is awake from 12 - 5 am for the past few nights and you can't bear to let her cry in her cot for 5 mins. In fact you appear to be relishing the idea of 'snuggling by little baby all night'. It does sound like she's teething, frankly, if her gums are hot but there is little you can do about this. If you cuddle a 7 month old to sleep every night they will never learn to be put down and go to sleep on their own. Particularly if with every whimper they make Mummy swoops down and cuddles them. As other posters have said - you are both parents and DH decided to try leaving her for a few minutes. He's knackered. Get over it.
Yabu. He has a right to parent as he sees fit. And personally I agree with him, not you - you are entitled to do as you see fit, but do am I and so is he.
If its only been the last few nights, and her gums are hot, then that would suggest teething. All the more reason to cuddle her. Teething is biologically the worst pain we ever endure in our lives, we just don't remember it. Poor love.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YABU to be "livid" etc and kick him onto the sofa because of it. Yes it wasnt a great thing to do without your agreement, because you both need to be onside for CC to work, but it wasnt the crime of the century.
And if she isnt crying when she wakes (apart from tonight!) then leave her to it. She is happy because she isnt crying, and maybe she will learn to a) not wake when she doesnt get mummy and daddy playing with her and b) self settle when she realises that she isnt getting cuddled.
The teething thing will pass soon, but unless she learns to self settle you will still be doing this in a year.
Another thought...are you both getting up with her when she wakes? Who goes to work? Ime (of 6 children) the parent who goes to work sleeps while the SAHP gets up simply because the parent who goes to work cant do their job properly with no sleep but the SAHP can catch up when the baby naps. It was how we got through the tough times with ours!
mmm... If this were my DP I wouldn't be livid. I'd probably approach a situation like this on the basis that crying for five minutes never killed anybody and then sit down with him to work through what he was trying to achieve and what our joint views were on the matter.
I feel sorry for both of you and can totally sympathise with that excruciating exhaustion of sustained lack of sleep - I am sure most parents can.
I have been at the end of my tether and let my babies cry for a few minutes (not very often) in their cots. I have walked away to allow myself five minutes to cool off when I have felt desparate from lack of sleep and unable to be calm and collected.
Your DD would not have come to any harm from this and I think you need to look at her sleep patterns and take some action - she should be learning to self settle at this age IMO. Perhaps you DP would have done better to do this in consultation with you... certainly no reason to be livid with him.
Some constructive mixed opinions here !
I do agree that I probably over reacted a bit - I'm a but uptight at the minute due to sheer knackedness (word?? )
However, I was still angry as we have discussed cc and we both agreed NOT to do it as I was uncomfortable with it and he understood why .
Although just to clear up, me kicking him on the couch so I could cuddle baby was meant tongue in cheek - he slept there voluntarily in the end to get some sleep.
I also agree that I need to approach the self settling issue - cuddling to sleep meant an easier bedtime routine so I could spend some time with DD1 & 14yr old DS , however , I know it's not ideal
Anyway I've calmed down now - DD2 was in with me all night and other than the odd screaming fit we got a lot more sleep than we have in the past few nights. I feel slightly less zombie ish today .
When these teeth have erupted ; I will tackle the self soothing but
In a way we both agree on .
YANBU, I would have been annoyed but my dh would never have done this as we (fortunately) had similar outlooks on parenting when ds was a baby (not so much now so I can empathise a little!)
I think 7 months is far too young for this, but regardless of my opinion things like this should be discussed together.
That said, I would discuss it with him constructively rather than having a go as that won't help. Show him attachment theory stuff for example to explain why you don't want to leave your baby to cry. Then explore gentler methods of sorting sleep issues if you both feel something needs to be done.
Hope you get some sleep tonight Jingle.
Three nights is nothing compared to a lot of people. But glad you've got things sorted with Dh, id have strung his bollocks up had it been mine!
Please check ears as my DS had an awful ear infection and his ear drum burst which caused three nights solid screaming and two doctors visits before they saw how bad it was!
He left a 7 month old baby crying for 5 minutes?
Well you could either LTB or buy a grip and use it.
Ahh pictish, see I think it was the OP who massively over reacted. A lot of replies were incredulous at the absolute non-entity of the problem, but I didn't think they were an over reaction in themselves.
This seems like a bit of a double-standard. It was 5 minutes not hours, and I'm sure no one would have a problem with a mum leaving a baby in their cot for a few minutes without having to obtain consent from the father first.
Do any of you immediately phone your husbands if the baby starts crying when they're out, so they can rush home?
He is also her parent. She is only 7 months, but a parent popping to the toilet and leaving the room a few minutes, is no big deal.
You are making a rod for your own back if you "pull mother rank" on him like this and become furious over something so small. It really is now big deal. What you want is a partner who can co-parent with you, not one who is scared of doing it the way he sees best, in case you blow your fuse, like he was an obstinate child.
Stuntgirl - I agree with you.
I was referring to the posts agreeing with the OP that they too would be livid and furious and having a drama.
I dislike it when dads are diminished.
I can see both sides to this. I think he genuinely thought he would be helping if he tried to 'teach' her to self settle, however she is still to young.
I can understand you being upset, its not nice to see your baby in such a state when its un necessary in the first place.
I think he was probably just getting desperate for a rest.
How long does your DD nap for in the day? Trying to shorten day time naps would help to get her settled for longer in the night.
Don't eliminate any naps entirely at this stage as she will become over tired, but maybe wake her up a bit earlier from her naps than normal.
Tbh if this was the other way round -- if a mother posted to say her husband had been 'absolutely livid' and 'furious' with her for leaving their baby safely in the cot while she popped to the loo for 5 minutes, and she'd had to 'promise it wouldn't happen again'? We'd be hearing words like 'abusive' and 'controlling' by now.
I would be upset too. There are ways of helping them sleep which doesn't involve just leaving them to scream on their own. He could have just held her hand while she was in the cot. It should have been discussed and a joint decision made.
PessaryPam ... I think you have completely missed the point
If you have read my other posts up thread , you will see what I was angry at .
And yes.... When you are sleep deprived and working full time ... Sometimes you do need a grip - thanks for pointing that out . You've been most helpful
pictish ... I hardly think he has been diminished !
If you discuss something with your partner and he went against what you both agreed would you be pissed?? I think so!
It was only 5 mins because I walked in the door . If I hadn't , he would have left her longer to do cc. That point you seem to have missed .
Jingle, I am glad to have been of help. My work here is done. I am off to Mary Poppins some other thread.
Jesus I'm being thick today aren't I Yes, am 100% on the same page as you pictish
It does diminish his role because you've essentially said "When you make a decision it is wrong ". You're playing the mother card and I think it does neither parent any good when that happens.
That said I hope you can both manage a good night's sleep tonight, and find a solution that works for you both. Sleep deprivation is the worst, so I empathise there.
"It was only 5 mins because I walked in the door . If I hadn't, he would have left her longer to do cc."
Not wishing to argue with you, but you said up thread that - "He thought the idea was to go back after 5 mins to settle her" - which is my understanding of how CC works too. So he was planning to go back and offer her comfort. It's not fair to now say that he wasn't.
Sorry I probably didn't explain myself properly - he would have gone up after 5 mins as you do with cc - if I hadn't have come in, he would have shushed her and then left her 10mins.
StuntGirl as you believe I have diminished my DH and played the mother card and probably emotionally scarred him, as well as trampled on his parenting so he never contributes again... I asked my DH if he felt like this ...
He told me "not to be daft " , he "shouldn't have gone against what we agreed in the first place without discussing it first " - so thanks for your input but I think you have generalised a bit too much !
As an aside , I took dd2 to the dr this afternoon after she was up again most of the night - she has an ear infection and is on anti biotics .
No wonder she was so upset .
Always look for the red ear, it's a tell.
Aww Jingle, I hope she's feeling better soon, its horrid having a baby with an ear infection. Here's hoping you all get some sleep, but at least you know that she was crying for a reason!
Yanbu - any sleep training requires consistency which your dh couldn't provide as you as parents had not discussed and agreed this method. Not to mention that he knew you were against this method.
OP, I was really referring to the overall tone of the thread, and how others have contributed.
Ps the waking sounds like teething or growth spurt which is definitely the wrong time to sleep train imo
Oh sorry have just noticed the ear infection
Just to note the "diminishing role" comments - I am pretty much responsible for ds sleep - am bf and doing all night wakings - am the one that would be doing any sleep training and I still have discussed all our decisions with df - asked df to look at various methods and asked what he thought and decided together - so the op expecting the dh to discuss first isn't diminishing his role - it's expecting to be treated equally imo.
I think you should give him a break. I am personally totally against CC and have a 20 month old that needs reading to sleep and often ends up in my bed so I do understand, but i don;t thing what he did was malicious or meant to upset anyone. Hope you get a good night tonight.
You need to decide together how you approach parenting - he may think cc is a good solution to settling a child, you must discuss this and come up with what method is best. I must admit I did control crying with my two and it worked - they learned to sleep finally. Before that they couldn't nap or sleep - endless walking them up and down as I was against cc at the time - it was 2 hvs that told me to try cc. They rarely cried beyond 5 minute. Anyway, I'm not advocating cc if you don't want to do it, but he is their parent too. Cuddling to sleep is not a good way for young children to learn how to sleep IMO. Have you tried putting the washing machine on or vacuuming nearby? Worked a treat
Hmmm...I can see why you were upset but, if your DH really was at his limit, it is so much better that he put her somewhere safe to cry for 10 or 15 minutes rather than losing his temper. Sometimes (have we not all been there?) one has just had enough and the parent needs time out. It's not like 5 mins or even 30 mins of being left to get on with it will have done your DD any harm. If she had older siblings, she would sometimes simply HAVE to wait while you got things done. SO, although I know how heartbreaking it must have been for you to hear her crying, please don't take it out on your DH - he may need his sleep more than you do.
Of course you are being a fucking nightmare.
But it sounds like your DH will get through.
OP - bad ears are hell; I know, both of ours went rhrough it - DS 11 ear infections before grommets at 16 months and DD 8 before groms at 20 months. It's ghastly for the parents and even more so for the dc.
Be prepared for another bad night tonight but ime, it starts to settle after the 4(h dose of antib's.
Hope things are better and you have forgiven your DH. It works itself out eventually.
Well done for putting words in my mouth OP, always a stellar way to win a disagreement. If you can't handle the heat of AIBU then perhaps don't ask questions here. There are parenting/baby/sleeping topics which might be better suited to you.
Oh I can handle the heat stuntgirl - hence I accepted other people's opinions .
I was just pointing out that the way YOU said my DH would feel , was actually not how he felt at all ...
Yabu...especially to be 'livid' he is her parent too and has much a right to make decisions on how he wants to do things.
I think you owe him an apology, if him trying to get you both some sleep causes this kind of reaction from you then personally you need to sit down and discuss what to do properly as its gone wrong somewhere down the line..
At no point did I say that. You did play the mother card and have put out the impression that his opinions are wrong. How he feels about that is something else entirely, and at no point did I state an opinion on that.
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