To be annoyed my ex calls my son a pervert!

(47 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:01:44

We separated in 2012 when I was pregnant. Ds is 6 months old. He is welcome to come and see the baby, which he's happy to do daily for an hour or so as I wont let him have ds at his house yet.

I am breastfeeding my son and so did I my dds. Everytime I get terribly annoyed when he remarks that dd3 is a "pervert" when I feed him, just because of the way he leisurely latches on/demands his feeds. I have told him to stop it and he keeps doing this and it drives me mad. AIBU to hate that he makes such idiotic remarks?

deleted203 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:05:20

He sounds like a prat - and he's your ex....I wouldn't be giving him the opportunity to make constant stupid remarks - or to be leering at me. I'd simply say 'DS needs feeding I'm afraid - I'll show you out'. Why is it necessary to feed in front of him? Clearly he pisses you off and takes no notice when you've asked him to stop.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 03-Jan-13 03:05:49

Yanbu its not an acceptable thing to say

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 03:07:21

I'd tell him if he can't stop the stupid comments not to visit. What a total tosser!

abbierhodes Thu 03-Jan-13 03:09:23

Take a deep breath and be thankful he's your ex! Ignore him if you can, he's clearly a dickhead!

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:14:01

sorry that line should read when he remarks that ds3 is a "pervert", not dd3!

Thank you for your responses. I was beginning to think I was overreacting as we had a really unpleasant argument about this earlier on

MammaTJ Thu 03-Jan-13 03:16:06

You are not overreacting.

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 03:16:55

Absolutely not overracting, he's vile.

TapirAroundTheChristmasTree Thu 03-Jan-13 03:18:09

You are totally not over-reacting to this. He needs to get a serious grip of himself.

Pochemuchka Thu 03-Jan-13 03:20:11

He sounds delightful hmm

Agree with the poster who said show him out whenever you need to feed your DS. He'll soon get the message.

Better still, tell him he won't be welcome if he keeps making ridiculous comments.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:24:30

He argued that it's meant as an endearment! I mean who calls their child a pervert as an endearing term? And also he had made comments like "Oh, he has a big willy and how he is going to enyoy it when he gets older!" I mean please? This is beyond weird right? And this is from a guy who longed for a boy for so long! WTAF? I dont want this imposed into my brain. I have never experienced this before so its a little bit puzzling for me

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:30:18

I did say to him if he doesn't stop being this weird, I'd have to stop him from coming into my home and I'd have to express some milk so he can take him with him for an hour or so as he lives like 4 minutes away. He thought I was mental as he sees nothing wrong with his remarks! Nor does he understands why I am reacting like this.

deleted203 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:37:34

It doesn't matter what he thinks. Or whether he understands or not. Who gives a fuck about his opinion? You are entitled to decide you don't like his behaviour or his manners and you don't want him in your home carrying on like this. And why would you express milk? You already said you wouldn't let him have DS at his house and now you are saying he can take him away for an hour......

Just tell him if he can't behave in the way you've asked him to in your home then he isn't welcome any more.

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 03:38:20

All these comments are so very wrong. Not sure I'd want to let him have unsupervised visits.

No wonder your angry, its not ok to call a baby a pervert nor is it ok to discuss their willie size. ExP did this with DS once (willie size) I was livid and told him never to say it again. Some men think this is a thing to boast about, pathetic.

Your right to tell him off and certainly not mental, he has a cheek to question you.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 03:53:44

sowornout, I see what you mean. Expressing only came out when he said I was trying to stop him having any time with his son. His whole family already think I had no right telling him to leave in the first place as our kids would be the main sufferers so I am only trying to salvage this scenario in the best interest of the kids. We have 3 kids together.

MalibuStac, I kid you not,my ex even had to do some measurements on how big ds's willy was growing!!!! My poor little boy! He has been reduced tothe size of his willy his own dad!

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 04:01:10

Measurements? Maybe its his own 'size insecurities' making him act this way.

His family have no say in your split, it also doesn't give him the right to act so crass to you and DS its disrespecting you both.

FolkElf Thu 03-Jan-13 04:02:02

I dread to think what he'll be saying about his daughters in years to come!

I wouldn't be allowing him to have unsupervised contact under any circumstances given the things he's saying, tbh.

I wouldn't have him around me whilst I was breastfeeding either.

misterwife Thu 03-Jan-13 06:25:59

He's a muppet, trying to be funny and failing.

Boomerwang Thu 03-Jan-13 08:49:03

It's ringing warning bells for me. How much do you know about his background?

HecatePropolos Thu 03-Jan-13 08:55:34

In all honesty, HE sounds like the pervert.

Who the hell looks at their baby feeding and sees something sexual? Who looks at their baby's penis and makes comments about their future sex life.

If your child was a girl, and your ex pointed at her vulva and said "That looks <insert vulval compliment cos I can't think of one> She's going to have fun with that when she's older"

What would you think?

It's no different, because your child is a boy.

It's - off. It just is.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Thu 03-Jan-13 09:03:25

I had a childminder who told me Ds 's willy was the biggest she d seen, said 'what a Big boy' with a very adult intonation. Made my skin crawl & I tried to be ok with it, failed & didn't feel comfortable letting her near him again.... So no, I think it's grim & disturbing to sexualise a baby. If doesn't matter if it's the dad or anyone else, it's still very wrong.

Don't listen to the h or his family, they won't be convinced its wrong as its not in their interests to understand that. Don't feel like you have to explain & debate it, just make it clear that if he sexualises your son he cannot see him. Full stop. Let him froth & then get over it, if he continues in that vein then you don't want him near your son or yourself.

Good luck op

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 03-Jan-13 09:04:00

He sounds very creepy and please do NOT give him unsupervised visits. I would not want him around influencing the children with his creepy thoughts - he will teach your children to think and talk like this! I would be insisting he has some kind of help to reverse his strange thinking. Is he a bit dim?

I would seriously think about contacting someone professional to voice your concerns about this and see what you can do.

His comments are wrong on so many levels.

FolkElf Thu 03-Jan-13 09:15:53

He sounds like he has some serious issues with boundaries.

peaceandlovebunny Thu 03-Jan-13 09:23:19

that's a very unhealthy thing to say.

misterwife Thu 03-Jan-13 09:27:54

I just read the measurements bit. THAT is out of order. No way should anyone be doing that. I agree with gimmecake - no unsupervised visits.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Thu 03-Jan-13 09:33:21

What a disgusting thing to say about the most natural thing in the world.
He sounds like a complete prune!

This thread has made my skin crawl. He sounds like the pervert. I would seek professional advice so you can document this issue now in case it escalates.

TheSecondComing Thu 03-Jan-13 09:45:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedlesCuties Thu 03-Jan-13 10:06:40

That sort of reminds me of a woman I once met who said she'd breastfeed her DS, but not a DD as it isn't normal to have a female suck her nipples hmm shock

OP, your ex sounds like a strange man.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:20:24

The SecondComing- He is the father of all 3. He is abit strange. No He doesn't make inappropriate remarks about the girls apart from the occassional " girls dont behave like that" if girls expresss/do something he deems not ladylike. They are 7 and 5 for crying out loud.

He boasts about ds manhood to his dad, who just laughs it off and thinks nothing of it, which surprises me, hence me thinking I was wrong thinking he is odd.

Was with him 8 years and no I didn't take time to really know him and became pregnant with dd1 pretty quickly which in my opinion, was a big mistake. It took years to get rid of him as I became really unhappy.

I wouldn't go as far as thinking he would do anything inappropriate but I do worry about his influence on my dcs as already my girls prefer his house as they get to play games all the time instead of my house where they "read all the time" and I'm gutted about this as they really loved reading beforehand because I interested them but now they find books boring!

EllenParsons Thu 03-Jan-13 12:28:04

That is a gross and weird comment. He sounds awful!

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:29:00

Boomerwang, his record is clean as far as I know.

FolkElf- I really do worry about that daily but my daughters worship him as they don't have to eat much vegetables and can go to bed at 10 pm without having to do any home reading iced with lots of playstation games which at 7yrs is pretty appealing! They are at his half the time.

Hmmmm, yeah the 'his house is more fun' is a common problem with separated parents unfortunately.
I would be concerned, not about him being a pervert, although they are very unsavoury things to think and say about a baby, (I have heard the 'cor he's a big boy' said about a baby boy before) but more about what his comments are going to make your children feel like and think about themselves as they get older.

I would definitely put my foot down for now about his horrible remarks, you may feel guilty about the split still, but you are not being unreasonable on this.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:05:29

Alien, I totally agree. I worry about how my kids will turn out because of his influence.We are completely different in our parenting methods. I am not perfect but I do try my best to support their positive development as they already have suffered enough due to the break-up. He also says nasty things to them about me re the break-up.

I lost my job last year, our living standards have dropped but I can still have a budget that includes fruit and veg whereas he prioritises fags and booze. He doesn't eat healthly either which bothers me now as the kids will be have to eat what he has, which does not offer much in terms of real nutritional value. He is not an alcoholic and claims to be looking for a job.

He can't see why I think the kids fall into the deprived catergory. AIBU to think that kids like mine, whose parents are not in work are deprived? Of course someone might work and not budget well/have debts etc and kids can still be deprived in that situation but Ex thinks the kids are not deprived and this breaks my heart as I hope for so much more for my kids and I am already looking to go back to work this year.

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 13:56:55

He's playing the old chestnut of how better off the kids are at his. Is it only DS who has supervised contact? Maybe you should try to set up ground rules between you as to how much game play and sweets are acceptable?

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 03-Jan-13 14:09:34

He's probably deliberately saying it now so you'll express and let him take his children out on his own.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:15:39

Catchingmockingbirds, yes, I thought ds was too young for stay overs thats all.

12ylnon Thu 03-Jan-13 14:25:07

UGH DS's dad did this once when DS was having his nappy changed because he liked having 'an airing'. It made my stomach turn, i thought it was totally inappropriate and creepy.
Needless to say he only saw DS a handful of times after that (not because i prevented him, but because he wasn't bothered.), think that was a definite warning sign.

CordeliaChase Thu 03-Jan-13 14:31:42

This thread made my skin crawl. How gross to sexualise a child like that. Warning bells are definitely going off!!

I was so freaked once when a bunch of women in a shop called my DS 'sexy'. He was only about 5 mo! Strange women!! But for the DS dad to say things like that about his own son, how could he possibly think that that's ok?!

CecilyP Thu 03-Jan-13 15:00:08

At first, I just thought your ex just sounded extremely imature with regard to his comments, but the measuring thing is just weird. I would tell him off in no uncertain terms every time he says something inappropriate.

In the short-term, I would continue to BF and not let him have DS on his own and definitely don't bother to express.

TalkativeJim Thu 03-Jan-13 15:09:09

Warning bells.

I'd make him think about this. Tell him that if you hear him making sexual remarks about any of your children again, you'll stop contact, and he can explain to social services himself why he thinks making inappropriate sex talk around children is ok and funny.

And tell him if contact stops for one, it would have to stop for them all. Sexual remarks are abusive.

I'd be trying to cut down the time your other DC spend over at his I'm afraid.

marc365 Thu 03-Jan-13 15:13:45

Cock measurements?? Jees, the bloke is a perv

TalkativeJim Thu 03-Jan-13 15:17:38

Actually re-reading and seeing that he has measured your child's genitals - please do not allow him unsupervised contact at all. That is seriously wrong.

Make it clear to him that the options aren't you expressing and him getting to take the baby out, they are that you stop contact and ask for advice on the issue.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:33:58

Thank you all. I am now intent on cutting the time he spends with all dcs. I think you are all right about this.

Thank you re advice.

flippinada Thu 03-Jan-13 19:44:40

That's very disturbing and I think we all know who the pervert is here.

Make a note of all this and certainly don't let him have unsupervised access to your son.

flippinada Thu 03-Jan-13 19:45:36

Perhaps stopping contact altogether would be for the best. He sounds horrible.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 03-Jan-13 19:56:34

That's a deeply strange thing to call a baby when they're being fed. Or indeed ever actually!

What a knob.

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