To want dh to buy me a new car?

(59 Posts)
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Wed 02-Jan-13 22:21:18

Before becoming a sahm I always paid for my own things. Since being a sahm I have swapped cars with dh as he had the big car. He used my little run around to commute to work, and then decided to trade it up and buy himself a brand new car. That was fair enough, his car that I swapped for is a lovely big comfortable car.

However it is now getting on a bit and things are starting to go and I feel it is time to swap it for something else. Now if I still earnt my own money it wouldn't be a problem. I would simply find something I liked and buy it. I would discuss it with him but it would be my decision because its my money and my car.

The trouble is I don't earn anymore and don't have any money. So it wouldn't be my money that paid for it, it would be his. I would have to ask him to buy me a car. Now I don't see a massive problem with this. I gave up my earning potential to look after the kids. This was a joint decision, he is happy for me to be at home and he has no problem in being responsible for everything and he is very generous. Except when it comes to a purchase as big as this. Apparently we can't afford to buy another car. Well we could when he wanted one. A brand new one. I'm not asking for a brand new one, just a newer one in better condition.

AIBU to ask him to pay? I feel a bit confused. I know any money that comes into the house should be shared and not seen as just 'his' money. But I still feel as though I have to ask. I guess it's a big purchase but it just doesn't seem to carry as much importance as when he wanted a car. His suits his job and his hobbies so was an important purchase, apparently. Mine just carries the kids in, nothing important. hmm

Reading this back I know I sound a bit whiny and entitled and first world problem, but I can't work out whether I just feel entitled to one because he had one, or whether I'm right to expect him to pay for it. It's going to need replacing at some point and probably before I ever go back to work. There's no way I can afford to pay for a car. I have a bit of an allowance from him and it goes on my personal bills, pension, etc store cards every month.

Apologies for the long rant. Feels better for writing it down!

Euphemia Wed 02-Jan-13 22:23:20

Why is there his money and your money? Surely it's family money?

Tortington Wed 02-Jan-13 22:23:29

i really get annoyed when i read things like this - i dont understand how - if you have a child together - the woman is suddenly second class and on 'pin' money.

just tell him your having another car -

" darling, i'm having another car, would love your input, lets work out the finance'

FestiveWench Wed 02-Jan-13 22:28:16

I couldn't live like that.

mynewpassion Wed 02-Jan-13 22:31:13

But could you afford to upgrade to a newer car? Big purchases such as buying cars should be discussed.

BellaVita Wed 02-Jan-13 22:31:21

DH bought me a new car.

I do work - part time, term time but i earn peanuts really,it goes into a savings account for holiday spends. Some of his work shares matured, he knew I wanted to change my car so he bought me a new one for Xmas (well I got it in September as the dealership had the colour in I wanted, we only went to have a look to see how much we would get for my current one, a week later I drove my new car away).

CloudsAndTrees Wed 02-Jan-13 22:32:15

You aren't asking him to buy you a car, you are starting a discussion about spending family money on a new car for the family. As all big purchases should be discussed whether they be from family money or not, then you are doing no more than that.

cansu Wed 02-Jan-13 22:32:44

Think it depends whether it is something you can easily afford or not. If your car is just not as nice as you would like and your family income is such that you could buy a new one without hardship then yes you can say that you want a new car. I think this is a problem of being a SAHM. I agree that you should have equal say but this is rarely the case. The partner who is working outside the home and earning the salary often feels they have the final say on such things. It may be something you need to have a frank discussion on. Maybe you could suggest that future decisions such as changing his car will in future have to be joint decisions? I am guessing he would dislike this. Personally this is one of the reasons I would hate to not have my own money. I think you might want to think about having all your husbands salary going into one joint account rather than you having an allowance which would feel like having pocket money for me!

ebersneezer Wed 02-Jan-13 22:34:58

Agree with CloudsandTrees.

Pozzled Wed 02-Jan-13 22:37:15

What are your family finances like? If you can afford the car you want without drastically cutting back elsewhere, then you should get it, no question. If you'd have to make changes elsewhere then I think it's fair for him to have some input. But did he discuss it with you before getting his car? Did he need you to agree before going ahead?

HollyBerryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 22:38:10

family car and work car - just tell him whats what.

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Wed 02-Jan-13 22:40:06

I'd love to tell him we're having another car, let's work out the finances!

I'm pretty sure we could afford it. I know he's got pretty good savings and investments. We also have some work to do on the house which will cost a bit. We could put down a good deposit, and we'd probably get another grand or so for my car, but he doesn't do finance. He was brought up to save for what he wanted and he won't entertain the idea of borrowing money. It doesn't bother me, I'd have the finance like a shot because them I'd get the car.

Before people point out that I'm emotionally and financially abused, I'm not really, we don't do anything without discussing it together. And he will usually defer to me anyway. He's just a bit old fashioned. I don't mind a bit of old fashioned when it suits me, I'm quite happy being a sahm, but I have over thought this now and just wondered if I'm being a spoilt brat and self entitled.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 22:41:41

What CloudsandTrees said. I hope he discussed his new car purchase with you.

inabeautifulplace Wed 02-Jan-13 22:42:24

Three questions:

When he decided to buy a new car, were you involved?

Does he spend enough time commuting to warrant a nice car?

Do you spend enough time driving to warrant a nice car?

OrangeLily Wed 02-Jan-13 22:42:42

Did he consult you when he bought his car? If he didn't he is bang out of order!

mynewpassion Wed 02-Jan-13 22:46:52

The OP has already said that they did discuss buying his new car. They discuss everything.

I think the sticking point will be how to pay for the car. Financing or mostly cash.

CoolaYuleA Wed 02-Jan-13 22:48:43

We have a family car and a work car. Before I was a SAHM it was my car and his car, the names have changed, but essentially still the same thing. The family car is a year old, so we are planning to change it at some point in the next year.

The fact that I am now a SAHM is a non-point when it comes to changing the car, it all comes down to balancing what is best financially and for us as a family, if that means we need a new car, then we get a new car, regardless of who will be the main driver.

wannabedreams Wed 02-Jan-13 22:51:01

out of interest what car do you have (age model etc)....

StuntGirl Wed 02-Jan-13 22:54:55

Well if he likes to save then he's just going to have to save up for your car isn't he? I presume it's how he got his car then. Tell him you need to discuss together how much you'll be saving per month for your new car.

Nat38 Wed 02-Jan-13 22:58:05

I`m sorry, but am I the only one to hear this Mine just carries the kids in, nothing important.??shock
Are the DC not important then?
The OP is not asking for a brand new car, just a newer one in a better one than the one she has for herself & the apparently un-important children! hmmangry
They have chosen the path that works the best for them, they discuss thingswhich is great, but surely part ex-changing a car for a better second hand car for her & the kids is equal to his brand new car foe himself??winkgrinblush

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Wed 02-Jan-13 23:00:11

inabeautifulplace I was asked my opinion on his new car but he was definitely buying it regardless and I didn't have a problem with it. He does about forty miles a day so it does get used and its a diesel where the old car was petrol. I don't do quite so many miles but we live out in the sticks so can't really be without one.

I've just told him some of the responses on here. He says its a big spend and he can't really afford it at the moment bit it's going to come at some point.

Oh CoolaYuleA bless your heart. My car is ten years old! Yours will go for years yet! Mind you mine is a VW and very solid and reliable. Just falling to bits.

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Wed 02-Jan-13 23:02:41

Nat38 I was being tongue in cheek but you're right, would be nice if dh saw it that way.

When he bought his car he put half down and the rest on 0% finance so he didn't lose tooth of his savings in one hit but it didn't cost him anything in finance. Unfortunately you don't get that deal with used cars.

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Wed 02-Jan-13 23:04:01

Tooth of his savings should read too much.

I've had a lot of autocorrect fails lately. Fat fingers.

Fairylea Wed 02-Jan-13 23:04:41

Sahm = joint account = shared money = car is a joint purchase.....

That's how we'd do it!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 02-Jan-13 23:06:07

Unfortunately you don't get that deal with used cars

Ours was pre-registered (so it has one former owner before us, the garage we bought it from) with 24 miles on the clock and we got 5 years 0% finance on it.

Parker231 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:11:03

Why do you refer to him having good savings and investments. Surely these are jointly held ?

DorisIsWaiting Wed 02-Jan-13 23:12:43

I think you need a chat where big spending are prioritised ie.e whether car is more important or house or his hobbies etc.

tbh the car will just get more and more expensive get it through the mOT why not bite the bullet to do it this year agree a date etc when it will be suitable.

DorisIsWaiting Wed 02-Jan-13 23:14:17

We were same as helhasnofury 0% deal over five years on a second hand car. There have been 0% deals on 2nd hand cars.

StuntGirl Wed 02-Jan-13 23:15:29

He's right it is a big purchase; did neither of you think about the fact your car might need replacing soon? Perhaps he could have spent less on his car so there would be more towards your car?

But either way you both need to budget for a replacement for your car now.

DorisIsWaiting Wed 02-Jan-13 23:15:46

Why can't He afford it surely it should be we can't afford it.

He thinks it's all his money too?

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Wed 02-Jan-13 23:30:30

Thanks for all your replies. Have to go to sleep for a bit but will catch up tomorrow.

I don't know why it's 'his' savings and investments. I guess he started them before he met me. He's always been good with money. I'm, um, not very good with money so he probably doesn't trust any conversation with me that concerns spending it!

He's now saying he is budgeting to replace my car, probably with a little Ford or something. Yeah, not gonna happen. I've got a 2.0 litre VW estate. I'm not going bloody smaller, I wouldn't get anything in it. hmm

Bobyan Wed 02-Jan-13 23:49:05

You don't earn anything.
You don't know your own family finances.
You don't discuss money with your DH.
Are you a surrendered wife? If your not you have unwittingly lost control of your life.

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 23:56:17

Bobyan - Most marriages are team work - different partners often have different roles. OP works in the home looking after their kids. Because she does this, her DH is able to earn a wage.

financialwizard Thu 03-Jan-13 00:02:21

Actually I think OP's husband has a point. If they can't afford it, they can't afford it. If he had said 'you go and buy what you want dear' and then they were in trouble financially would not be great given the economic uncertainty.

The fact that he has all the savings in his name is a separate issue altogether that does need addressing though.

Bobyan Thu 03-Jan-13 00:10:33

Team work needs communication and agreement, the very fact that the OP doesn't have any knowledge of their FAMILY finances means that something isn't right. It has nothing to do with whether she works or not, its all about equality and having the same spending "rights" as her DH (you know the one with the new car).

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Thu 03-Jan-13 00:21:44

Actually I think OP's husband has a point. If they can't afford it, they can't afford it. If he had said 'you go and buy what you want dear' and then they were in trouble financially would not be great given the economic uncertainty.

I would TA with you without the other stuff, savings he made before they were married being 'his', him having his brand new car whether she liked it or not but having to wait for her used car, 'he' can't afford it, 'his' money etc etc.

If 'he' can't afford it then perhaps 'he' should have got a cheaper car for himself.

Doesn't sound like a partnership. I totally understand the bit about one partner being more careful with money, but that doesn't mean that they should make all the decisions and it FUR SHURE doesn't mean it is 'his' money.

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Thu 03-Jan-13 00:23:12

Oh and how can he be "very generous" with shared money?

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree Thu 03-Jan-13 00:29:13

These threads make me so depressed. I don't understand how in 2013 so many women are prepared to live in ignorance of family finances and put up with having to go begging for hand outs to a "D"H who sees all the money as his own to carry on doing as he pleased with. It just drinks.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree Thu 03-Jan-13 00:30:16

Gah, stinks, I mean stinks.

Bobyan Thu 03-Jan-13 00:32:01

It would drive me to drink grin

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog Thu 03-Jan-13 13:14:14

These threads make me so depressed. I don't understand how in 2013 so many women are prepared to live in ignorance of family finances and put up with having to go begging for hand outs to a "D"H who sees all the money as his own to carry on doing as he pleased with. It just drinks.

Oh dear. I'm afraid some of you have read a bit too much into this.

I have complete control of our day to day finances. I have access to the joint account, in fact I set up half the stuff in it. We pay everything by direct debit to avoid bank charges etc. I know what is in there as I have to budget for shopping etc.

I know who our mortgage is with, what product and rate it's on and in fact set it up, with dh sitting beside me listening to the phone call. We have over 60% equity in our house and was me that picked the house.

I know how much dh earns. I know how much he pays into savings, pension, etc each month. I know who his investments are with because he tells me. We set up investments and savings together for the kids. He did the research into it because, like I said, he's good with money and found the best deal, and I find it quite boring.

I have a pension and I did have an ISA but I used it last year to replace all the windows in the house. I guess had I thought about it then I could have spent it on a car but the windows seemed more important in this freezing cold house.

He has more investments than me because he earns a shit load of money and I don't. In fact the ISA was his money in my name, because he couldn't have any more in that tax year. He doesn't hide it from me and will usually leave his opened post full of statements and forecasts laying round the house for anyone to see. He doesn't have it squirrelled away from me.

So I hope that reassures anyone who thought this thread was a stealth cry for help from a downtrodden housewife. It's really not. My question was is it unreasonable to expect him to pay for a new car. The issues were that I don't earn, and am I entitled to it? The general concensus sems to be that no, it's not unreasonable to expect him to pay and yes I am entitled. I still feel a bit grasping, given that I live in a lovely house and buy myself new clothes and eat well and don't have to go to work. He could say, I don't mind paying all the bills but if you want a new car you could get some part time work and contribute to the costs. Which would be fair enough, especially when the youngest dc goes to school. Which I probably will, or die of boredom.

Sorry for the long rant but I hope that explains things before this thread descends into a social comment about abused wives. I know they exist, but I most certainly am not one. Dh would get extremely short shift if there was the merest sniff of down-treading and probably lose some bedroom activities as well!

NaturalBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 13:22:38

'Oh dear. I'm afraid some of you have read a bit too much into this'

well you didn't do well to start off with 'we can't afford to buy another car' and 'aibu to ask him to pay' (for a newer car). As a family you either can or can't afford a newer car, and you either need or don't need a newer car. If you have issues with the way your husband runs his side of the finances then you should be discussing it with him!

I've been in a very similar situation, YABU.
However, the safety of our children while being driven around is one of our priorities so if you feel your current car isn't safe enough then I would be putting that point across.

ComposHat Thu 03-Jan-13 13:24:56

just tell him your having another car

Depends if your finances can stand it OP these decisions should be taken as a family and discussed if there is a need for a new car and if the finances stack up how often it is driven and ho far etc.

'The attitude of OP wants a new car she should get a new car' isn't particularly helpful. (That's not aimed at you OP) but some of the dafter posts on here.

EuroShagmore Thu 03-Jan-13 13:28:50

Whether you are being reasonable or not depends on the state of your finances and your combined attitude to risk (do you feel secure if you use all your cash savings on something like this). We just can't tell from what you have posted.

RedToothbrush Thu 03-Jan-13 13:34:08

Aside from the issues of whether the OP should 'ask' to have a new car or not.

If you have an older car the best sell for a new car, is actually cost and the cost of running a newer car. A lot of brand new cars will actually work out a lot cheaper than running an older one. Once you add up fuel efficiency, tax and cost of repairs you can find deals out there where you can more than justify the expense.

Certainly the car we bought last year is costing us less INCLUDING repayments than the car we were running previously which was about 8 years old. We only had to find the initial deposit. And we have to consider the depreciation just from driving the car off the forecourt. There should be 1 - 2 year old cars out there which will be slightly cheaper by comparison and therefore very, very good investments.

So yes, YANBU to discuss the prospect of a new car as an equal couple as it may well be to both your financial benefit, rather than detriment anyway.

Inertia Thu 03-Jan-13 14:23:50

The key point here is whether the car is safe. If not, you need to either spend money urgently to make it safe, or you need to buy a different car if that isn't economically viable.

If the car is starting to cost more in repairs than it is realistically worth, then it makes sense to replace it. If you as a family can take 6months or a year to save at least part of the purchase price, then it makes sense to do that rather than finance.

If you want a new car right now because he has one, then you are being a bit petty. Having said that, why did your ISA pay for the windows if DH has other savings ? Surely it makes mote sense for you as a non - taxpayer to have savings outside of ISAs?

ThalianotFailure Thu 03-Jan-13 14:34:07

um, why can't you get the car mended? Mine is 10 years old and there's no way we can afford a new one, so it's off to the garage every so often with it. It's got a few more years in it I reckon.

Some very sensible comments on here, and some less so....

Do you really need a new car? Is it dangerous? Are the running costs making it uneconomic? If so you need to put these facts to your DH and have a grown up discussion about whether a new car is an essential use of joint money.

If you just want a new car because the old one is a bit crummy, that's kind of tough. It's hard living on one salary, and sacrifices are made by everyone.

flowerytaleofNewYork Thu 03-Jan-13 15:02:28

"he can't really afford it"
"he is budgeting to replace my car, probably with a little Ford or something"
"his savings"

Don't think anyone's reading too much into it. Doesn't matter whether you know how much he earns, how much the mortgage is or whatever. If you have to ask him whether he can buy something for you out of his money and the savings are his, then there's a problem.

Whether the family can afford/need another car is a joint decision, not something he gets to decide when to save up for/buy.

Pendeen Thu 03-Jan-13 15:11:13

"A lot of brand new cars will actually work out a lot cheaper than running an older one"

You seem to have downplayed the depreciation aspect and (almst) no car is ever an investment.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree Thu 03-Jan-13 15:25:43

Just to clarify I wasn't trying to suggest that you are being abused. Just that I find the idea that all the household money is his because you stay at home to look after the DCs a bit awful. Whatever your access to accounts etc, from what you have said yourself the basic premise that you work on is that is all the money is his. He can buy a new car if likes, discussing it only as a courtesy. You, on the other hand, have to go to him and make a case for him to buy one for you, like a child.

Here everything goes in a pot and from the day it is received it is family money, although some is held in sole names e.g. ISAs. We trust each other with small expense and large ones like cars are discussed and agreed on together, with no reference to who brought the money in. This doesn't work for everyone, but if all the money is his, wouldn't you at least want to be paid for the childcare (say top nanny rates plus a huge uplift for being their actual mum) you are doing instead of woh then work out some split of contributions to joint expenses. You'd be worse off than him, because of the low monetary value placed on childcare, but as it stands with your set up and mind set you actually, conceptually, have nothing. Just because he doesn't abuse it doesn't make it right.

RedToothbrush Thu 03-Jan-13 15:30:01

Transport is an ongoing investment though, rather than whether you might get a return as such in the end. You generally need it one way or another and you can't get out of it. You could choose to invest your transport money in a rail ticket, an old car or a new car - there are risks and benefits associated with all.

What you could be investing in for a new car could be in terms of reliability and predictability of repairs, rather than value to sell on with at the end of the day. If its going to start costing £500 every year to repair something (and age/wear affects the efficiency of the car too) and the running costs are going up substantially, then finding £1500 for a deposit on a car which has much lower running costs can be a worthwhile investment.

I know that my costs in running the car we currently have are less than we had previously. Our investment is essentially the deposit we placed on the car, rather than what is worth overall. We invested that either to be able to sell the car after x number of years for a certain amount (with a piece of mind lengthy warranty) so we have a deposit to put down on another car

The way it works for us is that if we did sell at the end of the finance period we would have in effect built up equity in the car and have more to put down on any future car if we wanted to. We are probably unlikely to do this and will probably prefer to keep it as we'll still be in warranty and know the full service history of the car but its an option.

Its not necessarily just about the sale value at the end, its also looking at all the money you'd have spent if you'd used public transport or continued to run an old car over the same period of time.

DontmindifIdo Thu 03-Jan-13 15:32:28

so as a family you have 2 cars, one crap and one good. He gets to drive the good one and you get the crap one that needs replacing, but because it's your car, it's ok - put simply, agree you'll not replace the big car as long as he'll swap day to day and you drive his newer car and he gets the old crap one. If he doesn't think it's good enough for him to drive, why is it good enough for your DCs to be driven about in?

It's either good enough or it's not. You can either afford to replace it or you can't. If you really can't, then another solution (like him drive it) has to be looked at.

allnewtaketwo Thu 03-Jan-13 15:39:49

I think your DH is right not to go into debt to buy a new car. There is no valid reason why a 10yo VW needs to be replaced to the extent that you would be using savings (which already are needed towards the house) or go into debt to buy. You are a family living on one salary which means going into debt for discretionary purchases is probably not wise.

As for this "just tell him your having another car" - hmm. Isn't that the sort of thing a spoiled child says?

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Thu 03-Jan-13 16:26:12

Just to clarify I wasn't trying to suggest that you are being abused. Just that I find the idea that all the household money is his because you stay at home to look after the DCs a bit awful. Whatever your access to accounts etc, from what you have said yourself the basic premise that you work on is that is all the money is his. He can buy a new car if likes, discussing it only as a courtesy. You, on the other hand, have to go to him and make a case for him to buy one for you, like a child.

Totally and utterly agree.

I also agree that if you really can't afford it and your car is safe then it is fine that you BOTH agree to wait on replacing your car.

It isn't his money.

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 16:47:52

He has more investments than me because he earns a shit load of money and I don't. In fact the ISA was his money in my name, because he couldn't have any more in that tax year. He doesn't hide it from me and will usually leave his opened post full of statements and forecasts laying round the house for anyone to see. He doesn't have it squirrelled away from me. You are contributing to the family by staying at home and bringing up your children. As a nanny you would earn say £10 per hour minimum, work out the hours a day you save childcare costs for you both and I would imagine you have your car grin

flowerytaleofNewYork Thu 03-Jan-13 16:55:07

"As a nanny you would earn say £10 per hour minimum, work out the hours a day you save childcare costs for you both and I would imagine you have your car "

Good idea. I'm not a SAHM but DH earns quite a bit more than me.

However, he works 1.5 commute away, long hours, has to stay late with no notice, travels etc etc

Childcare to cover that would cost a fortune, so he benefits greatly by me working flexibly from home.

LiegeAndLief Thu 03-Jan-13 16:57:19

I can tell you what we did in similar circumstances in this house.

Both cars were going to fail their next MOT. We looked at our joint savings account and decided we were prepared to spend 5 grand of it. We jointly decided we didn't want to do finance. We jointly decided we needed a bigger car (previously had fiesta and micra) for ferrying kids. We looked at available second hand models and ended up with a focus for 3.5 grand. Then we bought he smallest cheapest thing w could find that would get someone to and from work with the rest of the money.

I have the kids most of the time, so mostly I have he focus. On days dh has the kids, he has it. I cannot imagine doing this in any othe way.

I do work part time, but earn much less. Dh also had substantial equity in his house when we met, I had a student loan. All money is OURS.

Startail Thu 03-Jan-13 17:24:07

If you are a SAHM I guess you ferry DCs about, clearly you need a decent, safe, reliable and large enough car.

He can get by with anything that gets him to work.

My dear old car died and WE decided I could have an unnecessarily gadgety replacement because I'd enjoy it.

I do, I don't need sat nav and cruise and built in phone etc, but it is fun.

DHs is smaller and a less exotic model, but he commutes a long way and my bigger one would be silly on fuel.

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