AIBU and should I get over myself?! Possible bridezilla?

(128 Posts)
Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:03

First AIBU posting and donning my flameproof overalls :D

This will probably out me if anyone recognises it but I need to know if I'm being all "me, me, me!" or if not, what to do about it. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been very good friends with this girl since we were 18 (12 yrs). She is 'guidemother' to my eldest son, she was my bridesmaid when I married. I think (thought?) the world of her. I would have dropped everything if she needed me. Everyone loves her, she's been a bridesmaid about 10 times in the last couple of years. Popular, lots of other friends but we always appeared to be close.

She is getting married in a month. When she announced it, I joked about her having to have 20 bridesmaids. She went quiet and said she wasn't going to have anyone to avoid upset. Transpires she is, a mutual friend. The reason being this girl has no sisters and has never been a BM. Neither have I! So I was gutted but smiled and decided to get over it.

She has decided to have about 10 cakes, one as a centrepiece of each table and she wants me (I decorate cakes) to do them all at her house the day before the wedding. I have tried to tell her this is very unrealistic but she won't have it. She is buying all the bits and a family member is baking the actual cakes so I can't get the cakes any earlier than the day before the wedding. She has changed her mind about number of cakes and designs several times. There are 4 different designs she wants me to do. I am stressed beyond belief and have turned away paying work for this. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

She sent an email about her hen weekend - the weekend of my son's birthday and party. The boy she is guide mother to. I sent a cheery reply that I was sad I wouldn't be able to make it and was told I had to be there so please rearrange his birthday party to a different weekend. I won't miss his 5th birthday so am going along later than others when he is in bed and have (grudgingly) moved his party to the weekend before as he won't really care either way.

I offered my services to the bridesmaid, to make a cake or something for the hen. Got told no, she was asking someone else to do a cake and my help wasn't needed.

To top it all off, I was sat at home watching Bridget Jones on NYE as DH was ill in bed and kids asleep early as they're young. Just seen a load of photos of a party at the bride's flat with lots of mutual friends in them. I am the only one with children but they could have asked? I cried. It's not the first time I've been excluded for having kids (if that's the reason, they're just in a very different place in their lives).

I feel like a total mug tbh. I can't back out of these sodding cakes as I don't want to be the bad guy right before her wedding and I don't want to cause her stress or ruin her big day. I am completely gutted. Clearly I mean nothing to her and need to move on but how do I do that without looking like a brat? Or am I in fact a brat and need to get over myself? I can hardly text her and say, "you didn't invite me to your party, I'm not your friend any more!" as I'm not 5. But I feel it at the moment!

dons hard hat

Thanks for not falling into a coma reading this far! ;)

catgirl1976geesealaying Wed 02-Jan-13 20:20:07

YANBU sad

Doesn't sound good at all

I think you should do the cakes, smile and wish her well through the wedding and then perhaps leave the friendship to peter out

Sad though

It is hard when you have children and your friends don't IME. They don't (and can't) understand how your life and priorities change

YANBU

How sad for you that she didn't invite you to the NYE party. That is horrible. Some people without children just exclude people with them which is unfairisn't it?

I'd say just get through the wedding and then let the friendship peter out.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:25:29

oh bless you! i had a friend who did something similar to me, friends forever, always going to be eachothers bridesmaid and we were always going to have just eachother no family ect..... she ended up having 3 others that were shit mates to her to start with and they went on to plan the most expnsive and longest hen party ever ( they all have no kids) the most expensive dresses and i called bride to be to tell her i felt shit about it all and not being to go on the hen do made me feel like i was being a shit bmaid.... she simply said i have enough stress with everything else, id rather not know what ur all planning sort it yourselves...... tiny bit gutted i was!

TinyDiamond Wed 02-Jan-13 20:28:43

YANBU in the slightest. I am going through sort of similar things right now with my supposed bridesmaids not being good friends at all and it sucks. horrible to be left out and taken advantage of

Roseformeplease Wed 02-Jan-13 20:28:44

You could be tough, charge her for the cakes and say you do things for free for friends but she seems to be acting more like an employer than a friend with her demands and no party invitation. That would be what I would plan in my head. But what I would probably do is smile and suck it up and then let things Peter out, as suggested above.

yANBU.

Bugsylugs Wed 02-Jan-13 20:29:35

YANBU, as others said. Am : ( that you changed your DS party for her, she is def bridezilla. Ease away.

WipsGlitter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:30:06

YABU re being a bridesmaid.

YADNBU re the cakes. What a nightmare.

jessjessjess Wed 02-Jan-13 20:31:16

YANBU! Lots of friends helped with stuff for ours but we offered payment. Some accepted but did things at mates rates eg our photographer, some said no and helped out in lieu of gifts / to be nice.

We certainly never ordered anyone to do anything.

I would frankly tell her to shove it!

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:29

First things first, this friendship is now ruined. She might not see it yet, but you are upset by her behaviour and it's a bit late to fix that.

So, I would tell her again it's not going to be possible to do 10 cakes in 1 day, state how many you think you can do in the timeframe (4?), so she will either have to find other people to help out or you need more time. It's better than just trying and failing and the day before the wedding being all stressed feeling like you have screwed up.

Re the hen do, I think it might be a bit late to move the party again, unless you want to.

Generally, you need to accept she hasn't seen your relationship as important to her as it is to you. It's hard to accept, but once you have, it will be easier.

RobotLover68 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:34

Do you have "mug" tattooed on your forehead? I'd do the cakes (begrudgingly) but I'd have not given in to her demands about the hen party - FFS what is with people these days and their "demands"

BunFagFreddie Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:44

Anyone who demanded I moved my child's brithday party would really get my back up. YANBU, she does sound like a bit of a bridezilla.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:33:49

Oh no diddie that's rubbish sad

I am well aware I may BU, from her POV. She might well be able to say "there's this friend doing my head in, she wants to be a bridesmaid and it's getting on my nerves. Now she's trying to stick her oar in on the hen do and is crying over not coming to one of my parties, how pathetic." Which is what I'm worried I sound like.

I accidentally said out loud, "oh I've never been a bridesmaid either!" and she shot back immediately, "it's not all about you".

So I know I am very sensitive about how badly I come across!

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:33:53

i chose to back out of being a bridesmaid in the end....went to the wedding and iv spoken to her once since then. she married in august. the friendship clearly isnt worth it, if it was then she wouldnt do all that bossy crap over a cake!

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:34:37

oh and if you wanted too, you could say you don't want to do the cakes at all and just walk away from it. She'll get stroppy, but remember you aren't high up her list of priorities, she doesn't consider you close enough to invite to NYE party, it's ok for you to decide you have a higher priority than her.

hermioneweasley Wed 02-Jan-13 20:36:30

Well, weddings do seem to make sme women crazy. I would grin and bear it, and see if she returns to being a good friend after the wedding. Is it even possible to decorate 10 cakes in a day? You might not be doing her any favours by letting her be unrealistic.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:37:47

Yes I am coming to the conclusion I am less important to her than I previously thought.

And yes you are right, IABU about the bridesmaid thing. She is perfectly entitled to have whoever she wants and I am trying my best to suck it up be smile but it does sting a bit.

I am just feeling a bit sad about the whole thing. I feel like I've lost my best friend. In fact, I kind of wish I hadn't been the first and only one to have had children as I feel I've lost a lot of friends since!

Isityouorme Wed 02-Jan-13 20:39:19

Does she see you as a cheap -or free-option for the cakes? Is she paying for ingredients and/or your time? If you are going to do them tell her they will be plain and simple as time doesn't slow for anything else.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:39:51

I have honestly tried again and again to explain it's unrealistic to expect we can do all 10 cakes in one day (it was originally 12!). I only agreed to it on the condition she took the risk that half weren't finished.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:42:17

Isit, a family member is baking the cakes for free. I am giving my time for free but she is providing all the icing. So I won't be paying out myself but am losing money as I would normally have a paying order that day which I can't do. I am a bit funny about decorating someone else's cakes as what if they're not very good and people think it's me?!

Osmiornica Wed 02-Jan-13 20:43:08

If you don't think you can do the cakes you really need to tell her. When it comes to the day (assuming you do them at all) and it all goes tits up noone will know or care that you already told her you can't do it - they'll just blame you. Be realistic about how many you can do. I'd also pull back on the friendship as well but after the wedding.

SuffolkNWhat Wed 02-Jan-13 20:43:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:44:16

I would say again that you can do a maximum 4, 5 at the most cakes, ask her who will do the other 6 as you won't have time. Make it clear she needs to get others involved, or make it over 2 days.

Life changes and sometimes friendships can survive being at different life stages, but some are more superficial than that, unfortunately you only tend to find that the hard way. You might, however find that some of your new friends you have made via being a 'mum' are the sort of people you'll still be friends with in 20 years time.

EldritchCleavage Wed 02-Jan-13 20:45:08

I would be very blunt about the cakes. The fact that she won't listen to you now doesn't mean she won't blame you on the day-quite the opposite. Tell her, preferably in an email AND face-to-face, how many you will be doing, and stick to that. Not that it is hard, or unrealistic or anything like that, just how many cakes you will be doing as a fact. Tell her straight if she wants more, someone else will have to do them. Maybe copy her mother in, if that gets the message across.

Sorry about the bridesmaid thing, but YABU there.

fluffypillow Wed 02-Jan-13 20:48:52

Oh poor you sad YANBU.

It's not nice to be treated like that. She has made it impossible for you to say 'no ' about the cakes, but I would seriously think about calling it a day with her after the wedding.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've got a 'friend' who has treated me badly lately because I have had another child. She no longer seems to remember what it's like to have a toddler around, and has backed off. Some people are total shits, and aren't worth worrying about........still bloody hurts though sad

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

JustFabulous Wed 02-Jan-13 20:51:58

I think what you do now depends on what you want to happen after the wedding.

SantasENormaSnob Wed 02-Jan-13 20:52:52

She sounds like a complete arse hole tbh.

Bogeyface Wed 02-Jan-13 20:52:58

My own sister did the same thing to me re:bridesmaids and was a total bridezilla. It took along time for our relationship to recover (years) because she was so vile to me. If she had been a friend I wouldnt have gone to the wedding never mind seen her afterwards.

I agree that you need to be upfront with the cakes, email her that you will only be able to do 4 the day before and that unless she gives you more time or more help then 4 is all that will be ready. Also, I am wondering about the cakes if they wont be ready until the day. Fruitcakes can be made weeks before, so I get the impression that they will be bog standard sponges which will be a bitch to ice and look half decent in the time you have.

I would be inclined to have an emergency that means that you cant be available that weekend after all.

AlbertaCampion Wed 02-Jan-13 20:55:48

YADNBU.

Reading your post made me cross on your behalf. The cakes and the NYE party - what a horrible woman. Ten cakes: wow!

I think you are right when you say that it's too late to wriggle out of the cake debacle entirely. As a decorator yourself, you'll know that she'd be hard pressed to get anyone else to take a job like that on.

I agree with the poster who recommended four cakes instead - that's a good idea. Also, I'd insist that the cakes have to be delivered TO YOU, with more notice. The day before the wedding is far, far too stressy and risky - I speak from bitter experience! Carry on this course, and I fear you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Yes, she'll kick off when you decide not to bend to her (idiot) will after all, but she's done a good job of wrecking this friendship so who gives a flying f?

ZZZenAgain Wed 02-Jan-13 20:59:00

I think you shouldn't do the cakes. She has a nerve. If she had to pay for all those cakes to be decorated, she certainly would not be having 10 or 12 with 4 different designs. She is taking advantage of you IMO and apart from that she doesn't sound particularly nice.

You could tell her you need to hire 2 people to help and that will cost.... She will need to pay them upfront, as in a week ahead to book them. So it is up to her if she wants you to do the cakes, that is the only way you are prepared to do it, otherwise of course you are not at all offended if she makes other arrangements.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 20:59:42

Oh no, I'm dreading it even more now - they are all sponge cakes (I've offered to bake them so I can be sure of the quality and that they'll be easy to decorate but that was turned down).

Are they all going to crumble and leave me with a real mess?! In which case, she'll have to pop to M&S...

I am a bit torn as to what I want to do after the wedding. When I saw those NYE photos I was ready to walk away. But she's been a very good friend in the past and I'm sure she will be again. I don't want to burn any bridges.

I would just say no tbh. To everything. If you feel hurt and sad it will cast a shadow over everything anyway. Go to the hen do if you want to, but I'd be inclined to have a lovely day out with DS, then collapse in a heap on the sofa with DH and wine/brew. Tell her the cakes will be impossible, that you are able to do 4 at most and she will either need to find someone to do the others or to do all of them. Go to the wedding if you want to see her again, but she sounds horrid and personally I'm not sure I'd want to - it seems like she's using you really sad. The only thing YABU about is being bridesmaid, but you know that anyway.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 02-Jan-13 21:01:34

Am I the only one expecting a thread to start up form the family member about the unrealistic number of sponge cakes her relative has demanded she bake for the wedding??

It's all too shock YADNBU

ChasedByBees Wed 02-Jan-13 21:01:44

She sounds like she's being a cow frankly!

If you we're that good friends though, could you speak with her? Say, 'I'm really hurt you didn't invite me for NYE. We've been good friends for xxxx, you've asked me to move my sons birthday party, you've asked me to do all your wedding cakes but you don't even invite me to your party?'

If the friendship is on its last legs then you hae nothing to lose but at least she might realise how awful she's been and try and make to up to you.

Whilst you're on the subject of cakes you could follow with, 'I've told you before your plan is not feasible. You have to get someone else to help as I'm only doing 4 (or whatever)'

Perhaps you could offer to do one of the designs - she could have a different person do each design maybe so your work is clear?

It sounds like she's using you. Tell her outright that doing that many cakes the day before is impossible and that she's taking the piss. Don't back down. She is taking advantage because you're her 'friend', yet she isn't happy to treat you as a friend. Tell her to bugger off imo!

Pudgy2011 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:21

I was going to weigh in on this thread but everyone else has put it far more succinctly than I.

You poor thing, I really feel for you. I'd have told her to go and fuck herself. But like I said, everyone else has put it far more succinctly than I ever could.

If there is one thing 2012 taught me, is that life is too short. You shouldn't be getting stressed out over someone else's wedding, not least someone who is expecting the earth and not giving anything back in return.

What a cowbag.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:32

And no, don't do the cakes.

Better that than it going wrong.

ZZZenAgain Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:36

send her an email so she can reread it, outlining that you cannot decorate sponge cakes, too much can go wrong if the cakes are not made exactly right. You will bake and decorate x number of cakes yourself, if she wants but if she wants to buy a special cake instead to be sure she gets exactly what she wants, she should go ahead and do that. It would be a shame if the cakes didn't work out.

brighteyedandbushytailed Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:54

I'm not sure I agree with the whole "let the friendship peter out" business - better to make the points you want to make (without throwing insults) to give her the chance to mend her ways/apologies. And if she doesn't then at least both of you know where you stand and you needn't feel any guilt about not helping out. Can you send her an email saying you understand that's she's under a lot of stress, but you're a hurt by her high handedness with the cakes (which will only hurt her if she doesn't pay heed) and over your son's birthday as well as the NYE party; you want to help because you are fond of her but you feel quite used at the moment?

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 21:03:49

ooh, ZZZ's plan is good - e-mail the limits of what one person can do in 1 day (4 cakes maximum) say you need paid for help for the others which will cost her X amount and you can put her in touch with someone she can hire or she needs to make her own arrangments.

I see on the day she will get stroppy because even if you keep saying you can only do a few, she will stamp her feet and you'll be blamed as she's told everyone you're doing the cakes for her and then let her down. Your side won't get a mention.

If she refuses with to get other help, then I'd pull out all together - say you can't do what she wants so you'd rather step back and let her hire a professional team who can deliver that many in one day.

Your friendship is radically changed anyway. I bet if you weren't on cake duty she'd have eased you out completely.

WildWorld2004 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:04:21

I would send her a bill before the wedding. She sounds like a bit of a cow and she needs to know that she cant treat people like this.

I wouldnt have friends like her.

itsmineitsmine Wed 02-Jan-13 21:04:32

Bridesmaid - yabu
Cakes - yanbu

What is a guide mother?

ChasedByBees Wed 02-Jan-13 21:04:33

iPhone added the typos and apostrophes blush

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 21:08:13

Guidemother is humanist/non-religious sort of godmother, if you see what I mean.

I'm trying hard to see it from her POV, perhaps she thinks she is being kind and including me by offering to let me decorate her cakes instead of being a BM?? Perhaps she doesn't really want me to do them at all and has made I difficult so I'll walk away and she can say she tried?!

ZZZenAgain Wed 02-Jan-13 21:11:17

no, don't start imagining intrigues. She is just being selfish and taking advantage.

When is this wedding approximately, not this Saturday or anything is it?

sittinginthesun Wed 02-Jan-13 21:14:28

Nightmare. sad

I think you will be stuck doing the cakes, but emphasise again that you think that there are too many to do properly. Make sure you have a good excuse to get away on time.

Afterwards, I think you need to rise above this friendship. She seems to have a lot of people running around after her. I have friends like this and, tbh, you have to accept that they spread themselves very thin.

Don't stop being friends, but don't run after her.

Have you made any mew friends since having children?

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 21:15:16

No, shes not being kind, she wants these cakes, she's sure you can do it, she's go so much on her mind she's considered this 'problem' solved and isn't thinking about what you are saying.

You need to get it though to her it's not that you'll try to do all 10 but might only do half, you won't try, you'll do 4 and she needs to find someone else for the others. Don't keep saying you'll 'try' because that gives her the hope that you are just panicking and it'll be fine. It won't be, she needs to have it spelt out in small words.

If you can't get her to find someone for the others, then I would withdraw and suggest she gets a professional team for them all. Do it now, because on the day, you'll find she kicks off because you're not trying

If your friendship meant a lot to her, she wouldn't be treating you like this.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 21:20:01

That's exactly it, she spreads herself thin. She's the kid of person everyone seems to take to instantly and has lots of friends. Wish I was like that really!

Yes I've made new friends since having children but I miss my old ones too. In fact, I spent NYD with a brand new friend who had a child-filled party and everyone was so friendly and lovely and we all had a ball. It made the contrast pretty clear.

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Jan-13 21:27:54

Some people are very good at superficial friendships and making lots of people feel like they are important to them. I have a friend like that. It can be hard when you realise you are just one of their many friends and not all that important.

Accept, deal with the cake situation to avoid a disaster, then either be friends in a 'lighter' way or ease her out.

ZenNudist Wed 02-Jan-13 21:33:33

Yanbu. I feel for you.

Cakes: a bit confused about you turning down paid work. Surely she is only giving you a day to do this. Cant you fit in paid work around it? How much difference can one day make? Am sympathetic, just would like to know more.

Re cake design, be firm tell her what lead time you need to preview & practise & get materials. Cost it out FGS tell her what service price she is avoiding and make her pay for materials. Be realistic how much time you will have on the one day before the wedding and make sure you can do all the cakes to her design. Sit down and think of this as an item of work: timings, costs, realistic deadline, then for the love of god stand up to her. If she kicks off or gets terminally offended, stay calm, don't get upset, ask her nicely to go and ask another cake maker what they would charge her and how long it would take.

Think about this logically: 1:you are thinking about dropping her anyway 2: you are clearly a sensible pragmatic woman 3. Providing you explain to her what time you have and what time it will take then you can only work with the space-time continuum and you can't be expected to put in a 24h shift and neglect your home an work responsibilities over this. You are doing her a massive favour. If she can't accept that graciously and work with you rather than being bossy and unreasonable please tell me you'll say no.

Fwiw, I dealt with bridesmaid-Zilla at my wedding (loooong story). Like you I put up with a lot if shit. I was reasonable, I rationalised her behaviour, I let her treat me badly and I thought she'd get better after the wedding was over. But it completely ruined our friendship. We no longer speak. I wish I'd just kicked her into touch rather than wimping out of standing up to her. This is the voice of experience saying you'd best stand up to her as she is just not worth it.

MariaMandarin Wed 02-Jan-13 21:47:57

Yes some people are able to make a lot of people feel as if they are the 'best' friend. I am a more distant friend with someone like this. A few years ago there was major drama as 3 other friends all thought they were her best friend, and it turned out that honour went to somebody else entirely. It all sounded incredibly childish but the people involved were very hurt.

I don't think it was done deliberately. She is just able to make you feel special, and some how important, but it is a sort of act. She likes you, but she doesn't hold you in the esteem that you think she does.

ZebraInHiding Wed 02-Jan-13 21:59:24

Do you know any other cakes people?nsay you are skint, need the money so can't turn down a paying order, or that you got another orders dates mixed up and you can no longer do them. Then pass on the number of another cakes friend to do them for her. That way, you are off the hook, she will either have to pay you, or the other cake maker or go without.

She is being a bridezilla. And none of the cake people I know would touch another persons cake to decorate with a barge pole. Too much risk to their reputation. And sponges are shit for icing. Madeira would be better if they want a plainer cake and not fruit, as it holds its shape better, can be made earlier and will save better later.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 22:09:26

Oh gosh, for the most part I would say she is a complete cow and YANBU. Planning her hen on DS's birthday, the cake thing, the party - just awful behaviour. I would do the cakes because you have agreed to it now and it's too late to back out, but be really firm on what can be achieved design wise in the time and stick hard to your guns. You have already let her walk all over you re moving the party.

DH had a friend like this, with lots of "best friends" all thinking they were more important to him than they were. He was just an affable user with a way for sucking you in. I was really relieved when he started slipping up (not remembering important stuff from last time he'd seen him etc) and DH decided to move on, because ultimately this type of person will always let you down and make you feel shit.

I would say though, about the kids thing, have you turned down all invitations since having kids? I am about your age and have a friend that had kids early, by the friendship group standard (no one else has them yet) and we all tried really hard to accommodate this and maintain the relationship. After three years of refused invites and even some no shows on the day, we all sort of gave up (not a joint thing, just happened that way). I have lots of other friends with kids in different friendship groups so it's nothing to do with life stages etc, she just used her DS as an excuse to make no effort at all.

uggmum Wed 02-Jan-13 22:09:33

I really feel for you. She doesn't sound like a very good friend at all. Weddings can really change people for the worse.

Icing so many cakes in a short time frame will be a nightmare. Can you make it easier by making some decorations in advance.

I am a bridesmaid in december 2013. I've been told by the groom that all bridesmaids must be under 9stone in weight and he wants me to text him my weight every week so he can monitor my progress. I am a bit of a fatty and I have offered to duck out and just be a guest but they won't hear of it.

sittinginthesun Wed 02-Jan-13 22:11:20

I can imagine her exactly. grin My DH and I have a friend like is. He can make you seem like the most important person I'm his life, but then has a list as long as his arm for his best man, god parents etc.

DH used to be upset, and I know a couple of friends did drop him because they were sick of it.

We just decided to let it go. We are still good friends, but let him do the running now. After a short while, he actually did. wink

Your new friends may end up being very close friends too in a few years. Friendships do change, particularly after you have children, but that's quite healthy.

Do the bloody cakes, enjoy the wedding, and rise above it. You don't need to pander to her, you are far far better than that. smile

IloveJudgeJudy Wed 02-Jan-13 22:14:07

DM is a cake decorator and, having been burnt a few times, will no longer decorate other people's cakes. It makes everything take at least twice as long with a worse result. And sponge cakes, not even madeiras? That's going to be a nightmare.

As others have said, I would definitely e-mail her re the cakes. Don't mention bridesmaids, hen nights or anything else. You need her to tell you what kind of decorations she wants for the cakes. Does she just want a plaque with decorations on it that you could do in advance, or does she want them iced? It will be a nightmare unless it's plaques, I think. She can't leave it until the last minute to decide on the decoration.

I do feel for you. It's rubbish, whatever you decide atm. I wouldn't judge her too harshly, though, as she might be caught up in the wedding thing. Wait and see what she's like afterwards. She might come to her senses!

plantsitter Wed 02-Jan-13 22:20:44

If you still plan to do the cakes (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't - bridesmaid and no party invitation are one thing, but demanding you change your son's birthday? shock), then I would just tell her you want the contact details of the person who is baking the cakes so you can talk to them about what they'll be doing. Of course she wouldn't understand because she doesn't bake. Then speak to that person about a more realistic time frame and whether, in fact, you can bake some of them yourself.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 02-Jan-13 22:23:52

Look - STOP being a bloody doormat! Sorry - but stop! She is a cow, stop thinking about her feelings. She clearly has little respect for you and doesn't value you so why are you letting her walk all over you.

Grow some bloody balls. Tell her that ten cakes in a day is a no no and be firm. Ask her where was my nye invite then? And see her reply.

Concentrate on friends who deserve your time. She doesn't.

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 22:24:46

I agree, send her an email about the cakes. Explain that she hasn't really understood how cake decorating works, and that if the sponge isn't right, you won't be able to do it etc etc.
Giver her a couple of options (you do the lot, at cost price/ you decorate but much more in advance)

Make sure you over emphasise how much you want her wedding to be perfect, and that it would be heartbreaking for both of you if the cakes didn't work out, but that because you have never worked to such a tight schedule on someone else's baking that you have no guarantee they will be ready whether the decotations will even work.

cc a few other people into the email if you can, so she can't accuse you of letting her down.

If she responds badly, I'm afraid you probably have your answer about where this friendship is headed.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Wed 02-Jan-13 22:26:40

I just lost a long posting.

This is one of the most frightening MN wedding threads ever.

OP TEN cakes...TEN? I am going to be really really firm with you. YABU unreasonable to have agreed to this at all and I'm hoping there is no question that you even teensy weensy bit volunteered to do it!

There, I hope that has your attention! wink

You are going to end up feeling like you are on some horrible Apprentice challenge. This woman will have no hesitation in going: "You're fired!" as well if it all goes wrong, it will all be down to you.

*"CHANGING THE DESIGNS SEVERAL TIMES!" shock shock shock

She's being a terrible cow all around (but you knew that.)

I think the potential for this to go wrong is too high to even risk it (given the changing mind thing - who knows what she'll think of like a week before the wedding) and I would send her one of the emails above saying that you can't do it. I wouldn't even do four cakes personally unless you are doing the whole lot (or supervising it) including the baking of the sponge. I wouldn't have even thought of this but whoever said that the quality of the sponge could be completely uneven is totally right. But you're the expert and if you think the risk is manageable with four cakes....well you would know best.

Ten cakes is going to cost a bomb, which she knows. How big are they?!

OTheYuleManatee Wed 02-Jan-13 22:39:16

OP, yabu about the bridesmaid thing though I can see why you're hurt.

Re the cakes thing, yanbu an need to tell her no, as clearly and unemotionally as possible based on the numbers. Assuming 2-3 hours to decorate one cake (I'm guessing) there is no way you can do 10 in a day. That's 30 hours' work without a break. That is not realistic, especially unpaid.

This is not about you being a good or bad friend, this is about good project management. She is making poor planning decisions at the moment and needs to rethink her scheduling.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Wed 02-Jan-13 22:48:18

Uggmum

Omg now i have heard it all. Tell him to go fuck himself

JamieandtheMagiTorch Wed 02-Jan-13 22:51:54

OP

Even if she thinks she's being nice she's not. She's at best patronising you, and worst, using.

KateByChristmas Wed 02-Jan-13 22:53:07

Weddings turn the loveliest of people bonkers smile

I think the cakes thing is to keep you involved but also very important so I think it shows she trusts you and feels close enough to you to ask such a task of you.

Don't forget how stressed people can become when planning a wedding, everyone wants a piece of you and you have to work really hard to keep everyone happy.

How about....... You invite her round to yours for dinner/coffee/wine for an update on the plans, a catch up then a run through of the cakes. Maybe make a crumbly crappy one and a good one and show her the difference in the finish.

Grit teeth til wedding fever is over grin

Megan74 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:06:02

YANBU.

You need to sort the cake situation out fast. Speak to her in person and say you will decorate a set number of cakes as a wedding present (who has 12 cakes?!!) and stick to that. If she doesn't like it she can sort something else out.

As for the friendship she is not sounding much of a friend and I think you need to use this as an opportunity to step back. She sounds like she would be a pain to be a bridesmaid for. Most of us have experienced someone we thought was a better friend than they were and the feelings of being let down that come with it. It is tough but use it as a learning experience.

catgirl1976geesealaying Wed 02-Jan-13 23:16:49

WTAF uggmum?

You've told your friend to run right?

You cannot let her marry such a prick without at least telling her to run like te fucking wind

ChasedByBees Wed 02-Jan-13 23:17:38

Uggmum shock shock

Tell the controlling twunt to fuck right off!

As for they won't hear of you just being a guest, you don't have to be a bridesmaid, just refuse! There's no way that behaviour is appropriate.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 23:17:44

Thanks everyone, I know I am def BU about the bridesmaid thing and I haven't mentioned it.

We are going to have to have a serious cake chat! Her mum sent me an email this week to ask if I could also do a big ornate "surprise" cake for her as well... On the same day. Baked by someone else! I said NO.

OMG uggmum, that is unbelievable!

To the poster who asked, I don't think I turn down many invitations - I try really hard to go out as much as possible as I'm aware it's a two-way street. There are a few things I've had to drop out of last-minute due to child illness/accident kind of things but generally I try really hard to be where I'm supposed to be smile in fact, I'm the "organiser" generally. I have backed right off this last year as I was sick of being the only one making any effort. Guess they aren't bothered! I did enjoy the invite to a roller disco when I was 39 weeks pregnant... Bless, at least they asked that time.

Sianilaa Wed 02-Jan-13 23:18:54

Oh and the wedding is in one month.

uggmum Wed 02-Jan-13 23:21:41

To be honest it is a bit stressful. I have tried to have a gentle chat with the bride from the angle of not ruining the photos and offering to step down etc. the groom is quite image conscious so I thought that would swing it for me.

I think my left leg weighs more than 9stone so it's going to be a challenge

ZZZenAgain Wed 02-Jan-13 23:22:30

well done saying no.

Keep on saying it

Maybe they genuinely have no idea how much work is involved in it

NewYearNewNN Wed 02-Jan-13 23:22:34

Uggmum my jaw has literally dropped. A 'groomzilla'!

OP you must tell bridezilla, in writing, cc-ing the email to absolutely everyone who has any remote involvement, that your professional pride and business reputation will not allow you to commit to the current plan for cakes. Come up with a do-able alternative that doesn't involve you sweating for hours on end the day before and morning of her wedding, with costs, and give her a deadline to respond, after which the offer will be withdrawn.

And enjoy your new friendships, as I fear this one is already irretrievably ruined by her behaviour.

ZZZenAgain Wed 02-Jan-13 23:23:33

wow monitoring the weight of your bridesmaids is extremely strange

NewYearNewNN Wed 02-Jan-13 23:24:12

Wow fastmoving thread, loads of xposts!

KateByChristmas Wed 02-Jan-13 23:29:01

Uggmum tell them to fuuuuuuuuuuck off! I'm disgusted on your behalf. WTAF!

Viviennemary Wed 02-Jan-13 23:39:43

YANBU. She hasn't treated you very well at all. If the thought of making the cakes is stressing you out then say you are very sorry but you are just not able to do the cakes. If you don't want to do the cakes then don't do them. She sounds more than a bit overbearing and controlling. About time she was told to back off. Send it in a text if you can't do it face to face. There is no point worrying about this or leaving it any longer before you tell her.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Wed 02-Jan-13 23:44:18

uggmum I haven't got anything more to say than shock

birdofthenorth Thu 03-Jan-13 00:07:23

Yanbu.

Just a suggestion, but my friends had an ices but not decorated cake on every table at their wedding, with decorations provided. Each table was asked to decorate their cake as part of a lighthearted competition and the bride and groom chose which one to cut for the photos. Of course the didn't look perfect but it was a great ice breaker round the tables and made the meal memorable, with some sweet, funny,unique cakes. Perhaps you could suggest this -thereby you'd have to ice but not decorate?

Decorating 10 cakes in one day is inane. She sounds like a shit guide mother, too hmm

birdofthenorth Thu 03-Jan-13 00:10:45

PS shockshockshockshockshock to Uggmum, how are you still talking to these people leg alone collaborating with their fascist weightloss regime?!

Journey Thu 03-Jan-13 01:56:31

I think the op's friend sounds awful.

The bit I don't understand is why the op offered to make a cake for her friend's hen night. That is the last thing I would have done because I think it just adds to your friend thinking it is no big deal icing all those wedding cakes. However, since the offer got turned down I'd tell the friend that you can't ice all the cakes so it would be best to contact the person who made her hen night cake. Play it to your advantage!

MollyMurphy Thu 03-Jan-13 02:04:02

The birthday thing would have pissed me off.....ordering you to change the date of your sons party. I would probably have said no TBH.

Greensleeves Thu 03-Jan-13 02:10:28

Tell her to stick her cakes up her arse! She is incredibly rude and selfish.

You deserve better friends.

Angelfootprints Thu 03-Jan-13 02:13:26

She made you rearrange your sons birthday party?! Unbelievable! She sounds deeply selfish and far too much hardwork.

Angelfootprints Thu 03-Jan-13 02:16:22

I would still make her a cake.

With the words "your a PITA" iced right across it.

Greensleeves Thu 03-Jan-13 02:25:39
myfirstkitchen Thu 03-Jan-13 02:33:16

yanbu

Tell her to bog off. Ten cakes!!! And if they're not finished in time then what?

She sounds horrid.

Angelfootprints Thu 03-Jan-13 02:33:36

greensleeves smile

Can you imagine if op actually did that on the morning of the wedding?! Bum cakes! Oh to be a fly on the wall for that one.

Greensleeves Thu 03-Jan-13 02:36:02

I was just outlining the plan to dh - do them, box them up, sellotape, say "do NOT ope the boxes, they are delicate", then get someone to lay them out on the tables during the ceremony. Bridezilla arrives - ten tables saying ASSHOLE.

I am a vengeful bitch blush

Angelfootprints Thu 03-Jan-13 02:44:35

Your an evil genius. smile

MiconiumHappens Thu 03-Jan-13 07:45:51

Mwah ha ha ha haaarrrrrrr Greensleeves grin

Even worse they look like angry bum holes!

misterwife Thu 03-Jan-13 08:11:38

YANBU:

1) about the cakes. What planet is she on?
2) about not being able to make the hen night. It's your kid's birthday - there's no shame in her forgetting that, but to insist that you come... what planet is she on?
3) about the non-invite to the party. Very rude.

YABU about her choice of bridesmaid, but her reply to your comment was snippy. If that is how she normally talks to you, and not just a reaction to the stress of the wedding, then it is time to reappraise the friendship.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 03-Jan-13 08:17:54

grin greensleeves!

Ugg - jaw is on floor. I think tell your friend she either sorts her fiancé out or you are not being a bridesmaid

OP - send a very tightly worded email with no wriggle room saying
A) one cake takes x hours to decorate so ten is not possible
B) sponge cake is crap to ice
C) you do not decorate other people's cakes as it has the potential to adversely affect your business

Then tell her what you are willing to do (one cake made entirely by yourself or whatever). Or leave blank if you've had enough.

Suggest the cake decorating competition idea someone mentioned earlier for the ten cakes.,

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 08:30:00

That is shit and no I hear you entirely. It sounds as though she is using you, and des not see you as a good friend as you see her. I would tell her realistically the cake situation, she dies not sound like someone I wuld want to break my back for. I would tell her tat it's impossible what she is asking, and tat you would need more time, Mabey charge her for materials, say te cost is getting very high. If she blows up and shouts and rants than you know where you stand and I am afraid tat would be the end of te friendship

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 08:32:42

Ugh mum that is disgusting behaviour, I would seriously back out and tell groom to feck off

Theicingontop Thu 03-Jan-13 08:36:52

How on earth will you decorate ten cakes in a day?! Unless you're like 1000x faster than me, I barely manage one (assuming they're multi-tier? how many people is she feeding?!). That is crazy.

Unfortunately people tend to assume that because you decorate cakes, you'd love to do it for free for your friends and family. They don't tend to realise that to do them free favours you're turning down paying work. Are you charging at all?

YADNBU. She's taking you for a mug.

SaraBellumHertz Thu 03-Jan-13 08:41:35

Firstly get the bakers details and insist on speaking with her - god only knows what your "friend" has said to her in terms of deadlines etc.

Hopefully once you have spoken to the baker you will have sp
Eone else on side - I'd be surprised if the baker can make all the cakes in one day let alone on morning unless she has a professional kitchen with several ovens.

Additionally now you have had communication from her mother you have a reason to copy her into cake related correspondence also.

So send a very reasonable email cc baker and mum setting out what can be achieved, whether that is two elaborate cakes or ten basic.

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 08:41:38

Op she siunds very superficial, like others have said she may have the nack to make you feel special but tats an act. She sounds lik she is using you, not inviting you to her party is dwnright nasty. What se said to you about not being all about you, what the fuck, that would be a dealbreaker in the friendship. I would tell her you can't do it sorry and be prepared to te this 'frienship' go

SaraBellumHertz Thu 03-Jan-13 08:42:54

someone else

comingintomyown Thu 03-Jan-13 08:46:03

I think with only a month to go it will be difficult to get out of now , why did you ever agree to that in the first place ?

I would be inclined to email and ask her to reconsider the number of cakes on the grounds that you will not be able to do the decorating to the kind of standard she would like , that it is a physical impossibility. If she replies insisting then "jokingly" say ok but you will be keeping a copy of this email to hand on the day !!! Then make sure you do !!

Icanhasnickname Thu 03-Jan-13 08:55:44

If it were me, I would turn up late on 'cake day'...then work really, really slowly, watching with evil glee as she gets more stressy by the hour. What can she do? Sack you as bridesmaid??...oh wait, no: she wouldnt even give you that one kickback that is usually the pay-off for being a bit of a skivvy for the bride.

diddl Thu 03-Jan-13 08:56:57

Oh please tell her no to the cakes.

And if she stops being a friend-win win!

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 03-Jan-13 09:13:37

Dump her op, she is a twat!

msrisotto Thu 03-Jan-13 09:21:39

Umm, so it is getting a bit late to drop out. It would be nice to but if you're anything like me (slightly less assertive than I could be!) then you're not going to drop out.

I'd get in touch with the person baking the cakes. Hope they're more reasonable and will make madeira cakes. Surely they can't do 10 cakes in 1 day so they can bake them some time beforehand (can even freeze them), giving you both more time; less stress for them and you.

I think you need to speak to her in person. You can email her first with the points/problems for discussion if you think you'll get bulldozed. As you've said, you can only do a proportion of the cakes she wants. Don't take on her demands and anxiety, you know what you can do so don't stress about not doing 10 cakes, that was always ridiculous.

This is going to be a bitter pill to swallow but you'll know what to say should this ever happen again!

Inertia Thu 03-Jan-13 09:22:26

Sounds as if you should probably be thankful you are not a bridesmaid - can you imagine the tirade of demands that poor woman is having to put up with ?

Re cakes : I would tell her now - in person, by email, and copying her mother and ideally the baker - that you don't ice other people's cakes and icing 10 in a day is impossible for one person. However, as a wedding gift, you'd be willing to bake and ice 2 small cakes, and she'll need to have other people do the rest.

msrisotto Thu 03-Jan-13 09:22:28

Oh and I would ignore and avoid her after the wedding. She's the one burning bridges here, not you!

peaceandlovebunny Thu 03-Jan-13 09:53:58

tell her you are feeling used and under-valued. give her a list - keep it factual. if she doesn't respond positively, tell her clearly and firmly you are out of the wedding arrangements and out of the friendship.
there's no reason to do her cakes. you owe her nothing. you are not her mum.
she's abusing your friendship and she needs sorting.

hackmum Thu 03-Jan-13 09:56:26

If I asked a friend to decorate cakes for me, and that person was a professional cake decorator, I would pay them.

diddl Thu 03-Jan-13 10:04:57

OK, so you told her at the start that 10 wasn´t going to happen & she didn´t listen.

Her fault.

Why do you need to do anything else other than keep saying no??

diddl Thu 03-Jan-13 10:06:52

And it´s not as if she won´t have 10 cakes for her centrepieces, is it?

They just won´t be decorated as she wants!

Viviennemary Thu 03-Jan-13 10:15:07

You have got to get out of this cake making for your own sanity. Make up any excuse you like. A sprained/broken wrist or you have been advised by doctor to leave off icing cakes for the time being as you have now got RSI. Only do this as a last resort. grin

hackmum totally agree and I also would listen to their advice on what is doable as they have the experience.

uggmum I'd worry about your friend if I were you. If the groom is trying to be this controlling with you, what's he like with her?

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 10:25:09

She des not sound like she I involving you but using you. Involving opwould be getting her to do a reading, helping organise hen do, or simple favours not this

jumpingjackhash Thu 03-Jan-13 10:33:46

Wow, you are being very nice still to this 'friend'. I love the asshole cake idea (and wish I'd have the guts to do that!).

Uggmum - wtaf?! Hope the bride's wearing trainers on the day to leg it. Please tell us you told him to fuck off?

CornyClam Thu 03-Jan-13 10:38:39

Poor you OP. She sounds awful.

is she aiming to have the cakes in place of dessert or something? Is that why she wants so many?

Could you ask the cake baker to make a practice cake so that you can have a go at icing it and time yourself. Then you can explain to bridezilla why expecting someone to ice 10 cakes in one day is not going to work.

CornyClam Thu 03-Jan-13 10:39:48

agree with piglet 100% - she's not involving you, she's using you.

pigletmania Thu 03-Jan-13 11:12:06

Imagine how much she is saving getting her cakes baked and decorated for free. She is nothing but a nasty freeloader, what she said to you, srry if the boot fits would be my reply to her

justmyview Thu 03-Jan-13 13:12:49

Re changing your DS' birthday party - what exactly did she say? If all she said was "Oh it wouldn't be the same without you, any chance you could consider having his party another weekend?" I think that would be OK. It was your choice to change the date or not

specialsubject Thu 03-Jan-13 13:16:24

game over at being told you had to be at a party despite having something else happening. No-one has to be at a party.

say you can't do the cakes due to her rudeness and move on. Not being a bridesmaid is an issue when you are ten.

ventilatormum Thu 03-Jan-13 14:24:34

I have a great idea about the cakes.
Bake one yourself and decorate it in a really simple fashion now, in the style she wants. Sort of.
Go and see bridezilla with the cake, give it to her, and ask her to get each of the hens to do one each.
You meanwhile, as a lovely surprise, do the surprise cake the mother asked you to do , in time for the day.
You then do not get the blame for the muddle on the day, and you get the credit for the one fab cake.
Ten cakes on the day? No way. Lunacy, as you (as the expert) know. Get out while you can!!

I'd say YABU about being a bridesmaid - realise it's horrible to be left out but there is a limit to how much reciprocation anyone who's been a bridesmaid can do when it comes to their own nuptuals.

However, YANBU about any other issues. I think you need to tell her that one day is simply not enough time to decorate all the cakes, and see where that gets you. If she won't back down then, as many have said here, I think you just have to grit your teeth, do your best, wish her well and let the friendship die off.

Or, you could decorate the cakes like this, this or this

InExitCelsisDeo Thu 03-Jan-13 15:19:55

I would tell her to do one over the cakes.

JessieMcJessie Thu 03-Jan-13 16:05:33

Well she's not exactly taking her "guide mother" responsibilities seriously if she is not only planning to miss her guide-son's birthday, she wants you to move it to another day altogether for her convenience! I'd not only tell her to stuff her cakes up her arse I'd also fire her from the guide mother post (I do like the expression btw).

Uggmum, please tell us more- you are exaggerating, right? Nobody could be that rude and controlling, surely? What does your friend say about her fiance's demands?

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Jan-13 17:36:11

Ugg, you say: I am a bridesmaid in december 2013. I've been told by the groom that all bridesmaids must be under 9stone in weight and he wants me to text him my weight every week so he can monitor my progress. I am a bit of a fatty and I have offered to duck out and just be a guest but they won't hear of it.

Please, please can you start a thread on this!

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Jan-13 17:39:00

OP, she really is awful. She needs to be told it's completely ridiculous. Who has ten wedding cakes, ffs?

How long would it take you to decorate one cake to your own standards?

I pity the poor person making the bloody things, too, but not as much as I pity you.

I don't know how you agreed to do it, but I think you need a really firm word with her, preferably by email (so that you don't hear her scream and you have a record of what you said.)

DontmindifIdo Thu 03-Jan-13 17:47:08

Ugg - please please plase can you send him a text every week saying the same weight even if you have lost some, and getting towards the wedding, start adding some so you look like you are gaining weight. Each time say "I'm not going to be 9st for the wedding at this rate, just to let you know, but I know [bride] has picked her bridesmaids because she knows we care about her, not because the way we look!" It will piss him right off. Every time you see the bride, make a point of eating crap. Keep messing with them.

They either will fire you as a bridesmaid (then you can tell everyone at the wedding that you were fired as a bridesmaid because you're too fat, honestly, it'll make them look like complete arses) or she will insist on keeping you as a bridesmaid and it'll piss him off. this is a good thing, she might see he's rather controlling before the wedding!!!!

SuffolkNWhat Sat 26-Jan-13 11:17:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binkybix Sat 26-Jan-13 11:40:44

Oh yes, update pls.

Ugg - does the bride know what he is doing and letting him?!

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