to be abit pissed off with mil and sil?

(32 Posts)
diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 18:58:18

Long topic, apologies and its my first time of posting too so apologies if im not up to scratch grin

Im married to my childhood sweetheart of 11 years, we have three dcs. Iv always had a fabulous and rather unusual relationship with my mil...best friends, we have spent alot if time together,had many heart to hearts and she is my confidante and whenever iv had any sort of issues with my dh,shes completely to take my side (so long as im right, she would instantly tell me if i wasnt! ) i usually see her everyday and when we had a massive tradgedy in the familh and my dhs youngest sister was killed in a crash ten yrs ago we became much closer and helped eachother through.

My sil is a different person. Taken a.looong time to see eye to eye, i dont know why she doesnt like me but we are very different. Shes very rich and employs her mother to cook,clean and care for her ds while she and.her dh work full time (yes,awkward setup but we are used to it.)
The problem is now that my sil is pregnant for a second time, shes oretry much moved back in with her mother and has become even more of a bitch than ever. I literally cant do anything right! Even the way i bring up my kids isnot acceptable to her, the gifts i buy my children are immoral to her (i bought them some clothes, to my sil its an,awful gift as its not toys. It essential, not a luxury.to her mayb? She bought her son a wiiu, an ipad,ipod,a lush hatbox, 3 ds, and a season ticket to united in a private box....hes 9) iv tried to talk to my mil, but its like shes been brainwashed by sil? ! Basically,she has money and lots of it, the rest of us are hard grafters but skint and shes gotten her mother outta the crap many of times. She has her generous moments,dont get me wrong, bout a house so we could rent it from her indefinitelysmile but noone will say a word to sil as she has a hold.over everyone it seems so can get away with it! Im getting fed up,frankly and ready to pop! Or aibu? ? ?

Do you live with mil?

exoticfruits Wed 02-Jan-13 19:01:56

Just carry on as normal and ignore her-be pleasant but there is no need to get into conflict. If there are differences just say 'we are all different', in a mild way, and change the subject.

Oh you mean the sil purchased a house to rent to you?

CloudsAndTrees Wed 02-Jan-13 19:03:39

In what way is she a bitch? I'm not sure what the problem is or why you at pissed off with mil.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:04:27

Sorry, should also add there is alot of history that i havent added as there is just so much, but sil can,b a true monster....she will literally scream in my face and call me whatever she feels.before stomping off.

I cant say a thing about her ds,hes a spoilt brat and has.no idea on how to share. He cant do wrong in her eyes,even when hes startes any arguement. i dont have anyone else to ask advice from as mil was always my one to turn to sad thanks in advance for any advice smile

What does your husband do or say when his sister is so rude to you ?

littlewhitebag Wed 02-Jan-13 19:07:37

Let me see if i have got this right. Your SIL employs her mother to look after her house and family. She has also bought a house which you and your DH rent from her. You feel she is lording it over you all?

What is it you want to say to her that you feel you can't say? Maybe you and DH need to stop renting from her so you can stop feeling like she has a hold over you as she is currently your landlord.

If she wants to be extravagant to her son that is up to her. She has no right to comment on your gifts. You need to hold your head up and just smile when she makes comments.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:09:09

Im mad at mil as she is a lady that is always so quick to point out to ANYONE in the family that they are in the wrong and.to sort it out. Shes not aquiet lady and will literally lock us in a room to sort things. Now, it seems sil cant do any wrong, her excuse being, shes.paid for this and paid for that,without her we wouldnt have had xmas so is now refusing to sort any issues out...my sil will not listen to me, and im not one for screaming back either.sad im terrified of losing my home. But shes a bully!

HecatePropolos Wed 02-Jan-13 19:12:07

Find another home! You'll feel more secure and her equal if you're not dependant on her for the roof over your head, don't you think?

You have put yourself in the position of being beholden to her. Move out of the house and rent from someone you don't know and then you won't have to be nice for fear of losing your home. Have you got a proper rental agreement from her?

I'm not sure why you are pissed off at MIL, she sounds grateful for all her daughter has done for everyone, she obviously doesn't have the same depth of feeling you do.

littlewhitebag Wed 02-Jan-13 19:12:57

What does she scream at you about? She has no right to treat you like that. What does your DH do or say about it all? She sounds like a horror. Having money doesn't mean you can treat people like shit.

Footface Wed 02-Jan-13 19:17:33

My mum looks after her grandchildren for free. I'm sure shed rather be paid but my db and sil can't afford to.

Not really sure what your moaning about. Is that she has money or that she's a bully.

If she's a bully, stand up to her, she'll probably back down you never kniw

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 02-Jan-13 19:18:01

I dont have any brothers, but I think I would find it hard if my sil was so close to my mother. Maybe she is jealous of yours & mil relationship.
May I ask, are you white British or Indian?

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 02-Jan-13 19:20:05

only because my Indian friends all tend to become close to mil in a way I have never experienced a white british friend to (except my best indian friend..... she and mil CANNOT abide one another but put on the best show that they can. its like the Kumars!)

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 19:26:29

Can you move out of the property and rent something else?

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:28:12

the house is being rented to us at a much lower price than she can potentially get from someone else, so shes doing us a favour in that respect. moving is something im desperately trying to do but its hard as im from a small and overpriced area and cant move too far because of school and work.

my sil can be sooo generous but she can be just horrid and its unbearable sometimes. apart from the gift thing, she offered to take my daughter away, which was great! i went out and bought her a whole set of summer clothes and packed her off and she had a fab time....until she came back,.. i noticed that none of the clothes id bought had been worn, instead there was a whole different set and four times as much! confused i called my sil. she simply said " oh , i wanted her to have some nice clothes to go away in" i bought from primark....she bought from monsoon..... made me fee l shit basically! i spoke to mil, she suggested that i simply buy a few bits and leave sil to it next time. i took this advice the next time they went away and the same thing happened again! am i unreasonable to think i shouldnt have to just suck it up!? to think this is just stupid?

a few weeks before xmas she asked me what my dd would want for xmas, i reeled off a few from her xmas list, things like a diary, an electric scooter, a coat, a mobilehmm, literally my sil came around and stomped into the house witha coat and said there u are dn, just for u! at first i thought, random but nice of her. i called my mil to tell her and she said yes sil felt it was awful that clothes were on dds list and so shes bought her a coat so u wont get it as a xmas gift.....blush

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:30:26

my mil will not babysit! ever!!! not once has she ever said yes! but will for my sil as shes paid to....

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:37:30

ohhelp no, im white!im not sure if its jealousy...she was never really around before her pregnancy (she is also having this child for her mother as her ds doesnt need as much caring for as a baby)they are very close themselves... they go lotsa places together... mil no longer visits us and no longer calls us. she lives two minutes away! hahaha

mayb im a little jealous not helped by the fact that sil is a complete cow and iv been shoved out the way by my mil as spoilt cow needs momma?? i cant tlak to mil as she doesnt see my problem or how betrayed by her i feel sad

You sound like you are really jealous of her sad you haven't been 'shoved out of the way' at all they are mother and daughter and were long before you came on the scene.

She shouldn't be shouting at you at all, but the rest of it sounds like she is a really generous lady.

Teeb Wed 02-Jan-13 19:42:10

As long as you keep on taking from your sil you are letting her know that the way she treats you is acceptable. Ultimately, she has no responsibility to provide for you, so if you want all the nice things she does then you have to be prepared to take the rough with the smooth.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:42:29

footface she wont back down and she has a vile mouth and is alot older than me. im sure she has actual poison on her tongue... i admit im afraid of her.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:47:29

missymoo youre right that they are mother and daughter and yes i totally get that, but when my sil was killed ( in op) my mil kinda adopted me as her daughter ( my now passed sil was my beat friend and introdued me to her bro who is now my dh) and we formed a very close bond, i call her mum and she calls me her daughter. i guess i look up to my mil and we have always been very close and now things have changed and im no longer needed. it hurts tho i admit.

Coming from your SILs pov I would find that very, very upsetting and strange, she has lost her sister and then all of a sudden there is someone taking her place.

Also coming from your MILs pov I would hate the implication that I 'adopted' anyone as a replacement for my child. Are you sure she is comfortable with the way you view the relationship?

Its still no excuse for her to shout at you but she can only be in your life as much as you let her.

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 19:58:27

tweeb, iv only taken from her once and that was my home! i know thats a big thing but i pay rent so its not for nothing! anything else is basically thrown at me and i dnt get an opinion. shes a social worker and its sometimes like she s assessing me! she can be very generous, and i always think shes befriending me and im getting closer to her them bam!....she does silly things that hurt and make me feel like im a crap mum because i dont have the same bank balance. since her pregnancy, the comments are my issue. things like saying to my daughter, clothes for xmas are rubbish presents u know that dont u? and to my son il hug you if ur mummy wont, as im trying to get him to do as he is told....i just feel all of a sudden, shut out from a family, my family that i felt so close to and spent time with everyday! my mil had to see me everyday...now its never. i dunno what to feel or how to feel tbh...confuddled!

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:04:03

missymoo it came from my mils mouth! it was me that wasnt comfortable with that idea! i think she was obv in shock over losing her daughter but even if me n my hubby split... she said that im still family as i was sil best friend and thats important to her. i know we sound like a mad family! its not been easy, we are not conventional or average in anyway but until you have lost a child in this way, its hard to judge. i dnt think she looks at me as a replacement now, just something said at the time of deep loss and mourning, but it set in place a very deep bond betwen us that clearly noone else has with their own mil...... stands in corner alone

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 20:06:44

So she likes to treat your dd, provides a home for you at reduced market cost and has a working relationship with her mum yet she is a bitch?

You say you don't have anyone else to get advice from? What about your husband, mates? What does he say about all of this?

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:11:28

my husband is also mad at his sisters actions but he is reluctant to speak with her. i am currently in the process getting him to. my mates are my family, esp my mil.

i know it sounds wierd but its hard to write it in one reasonably sized thread! im careful not to slag off my family to the other side of the family i.e my family so i cant speak to my mum.

DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou Wed 02-Jan-13 20:11:42

Erm, she's a rich social worker? I'm guessing she married money? hmm

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:13:39

yes she married money. and she can be so lovely sometimes but so damn bitchy too. its my mil i feel most upset by....if it was two best mates and they were doing this im sure everyone would be saying get rid! i know i would be! so much harder with family.

lollystix Wed 02-Jan-13 20:18:45

I really think you need to try and distance yourself and build more of a life outside if this relationship (MIL and SIL). You sound very consumed by it and I do understand to some degree how that feels with my MIL and SIL. I honestly think you need to look at reducing contact if possible and also moving out even if it is to somewhere smaller. It's sad that you feel MIL is now rejecting you but relationships do evolve and I don't think you can control this. It's not positive for you as you feel judged, beholden and intimidated by SIL. All of this will damage your confidence and hurt. It's a new year and you shouldn't surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Distance. sad

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 20:29:55

lollystix, thankyou for your advice. yes i think i do... and thinking about it, its all ive ever really known for ten years. they are my friends as well as family.

im deffo intimidated by sil. she is one scary lady at times. and my confidence isnt the best, probably why i stick by my family in the first place.

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