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to really want a baby?

(45 Posts)
molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:04:40

i have become a bit obsessed with wanting a baby.

im 23 my dp is 24 and we have been together 8 years. he has a good well paid job and i am in my final year at university.

we have not discussed having one right now but he often says if it did happen hed be over the moon. i am on no form of contraception but we use the male form.

my degree will not lead me into a well paid job as its quite general, so it wont affect my career as such.

so aibu to be wanting a baby now. i always wanted a family young

thank you in advance for your perspective smile

kinkyfuckery Wed 02-Jan-13 16:08:35

YANBU to want a baby. YWBU to coerce your partner into having an "accident". Speak to your partner.

yfuwchhapus Wed 02-Jan-13 16:09:21

Oh gosh no...nothing wrong with feeling like that! I started longing for a baby straight after we married and had DD at 22! Good luck

ThedementedPenguin Wed 02-Jan-13 16:11:58

YANBU wanting a baby. But I do agree with kinkyfuckery you both have to agree. Do not get pregnant on purpose and make out it was an 'accident'.

I'm 22 and I had my baby in Sept, although he was unplanned but is loved very much.

cestlavielife Wed 02-Jan-13 16:12:55

how much does he earn roughly eg 30K, 50K, 100K etc? "well paid" means different things... 100k and marry him then you all set...30k and not married leaves you precarious if you get pregnant

finish your degree.

get a job any job - work for enough time is it two years?? to get maternity pay. and possibility to return to work and earn your keep. and pay for the baby.

think further down the line when kids are at school .

you will need some financial independence to have a baby unless you get married. because right now he could leave you/die and you will have nothing...

Strangemagic Wed 02-Jan-13 16:16:50

So your default is to have a baby,because you don't think you will get a job.Have a baby for the right reason with the right man,not just because you want one,babies change everything,your lives will totally change and don't trick him into becoming a dad.

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:18:25

i am working also whilst at university. i have been in this job 5 years and i will qualify for maternity leave. Dont worry i will not trick him smile. He earns 35 k rising after 1 year.

If you would like advice, here is mine:
*finish your degree
*get a job and work in it as long as needed to qualify for Mat Leave/Pay
*buy a home

DH and I got together when we were 18 too and will both be 28 this year. Buying a house was top of my agenda, so after uni we travelled / worked away for two years, came back and moved in with my folks for a year while we saved for a deposit. Bought our home, both had full time permanent work (shite pay tho!!), then had a couple of years of just living in our own home. Once we made the decision that we wanted kids, we said "we will statt TTC in exactly one year" - time to get our heads round it, do anything we wanted, have a holiday etc.

Our dd is a year old now and while I adore her so so much, she has overhauled our life. Im glad we waited til we 'had all our ducks in a row' first.

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:20:43

if i worked hard i could get a suitable job, but id rather start a family. I will also go back to my current job which is flexible. I never want to be a SAHM so im not wanting it for that.

IwantaPetFox Wed 02-Jan-13 16:22:11

Why are people suggesting that the OP might 'coerce' her DP or have an 'accident'?? He is in control of the contraception atm anyway!

YANBU OP, if you are in a stable relationship and it's what you both want then go for it. You might as well finish your degree first though, and consider the legal and financial implications of what would happen if your relationship broke down.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 02-Jan-13 16:23:47

YANBU but definitely finish your degree first smile

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:25:51

thanks for all the advice. we are a very stable couple, we rent together. and he has hinted at a proposal this year so i will wait and see were things go. i would never trick him as i could never live with myself

wanderingalbatross Wed 02-Jan-13 16:26:00

I think you have loads of time, and should think about what you want from life as well as kids. I'd be wary of thinking that having a baby now won't affect your career as it's much more difficult to build up work experience with young kids.

If you have kids now, they may well have left home before you are 45, leaving you with lots of years to fill! And if you want any sort of job/career yourself, you will be better off if you have a job when you get pregnant. Plus it doesn't sound like you are married? You would put yourself in a precarious situation by having kids young and unmarried with no way of protecting and supporting yourself if things went wrong. Not that I think all mums should be married, but it does give you a lot of protection smile

So, I don't think YABU in wanting a baby now, but you might be better off to wait a couple of years and get yourself in a good position before doing so.

yfuwchhapus Wed 02-Jan-13 16:28:33

Will you get married before TTC?

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:30:43

thanks again, your comments have opened my eyes. i think i will wait until a few years perhaps when he brings it up whens hes ready also

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:31:29

i would like to get married first

YANBU - I want one too!! - Already have an 8 month old but it's all I can think about somedays.

But, you are young. I always wanted a baby, and would've started at 16 if my boyfriend at the time agreed. As it was, I waited until I was 25 (OH is 35), and I think it's much better.

cestlavielife Wed 02-Jan-13 16:36:35

are you in a part of the country where houses are cheap and you could buy a property on his salary alone? or are you in long term rental like housing association? because you need to think longer term if you want kids

IwantaPetFox Wed 02-Jan-13 17:39:21

Can I ask why you want a baby so much OP? If that's not too nosy of me! smile

ohchristmastree Wed 02-Jan-13 17:44:56

I was 23 when I had my ds. It can be so, so hard. He's 18 months and he's constant. I'm doing my degree now, it's really difficult to find the energy to sit and do an essay when I've been on my feet since 7am but it has to be done so we can have a better life when i graduate. He wasn't planned but I wouldn't change it for the world. However, my plan was do my degree, get a job and some saving behind me, own my own house and have a partner who is supportive (mine isn't at all) before even thinking about children.

Sorry for blabbing on about myself but what I'm trying to say is wait until you are sorted with a good job, you're partner is 100% sure and you are finically stable. I've done everything the wrong way about, I just get on with it when it's hard and I want to pack eveything in but you have a chance to get yourself sorted first, take it.

thebody Wed 02-Jan-13 17:52:05

Good grief love if you want a baby and your partner wants a baby then go for it.

There is never a right magic time, never enough money or stability or any of that crap people spout. It's lovely to have kids young.. We had our first 2 in our twenties. It was tough but fantastic.

Second 2 in thirties and do now in our 40s our older ones have left abc we are still young.

I have friends on baby 1 at 41!!! That's way to late for me..

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 17:53:54

I had my DD at 24, there is no perfect time to have babies, its down to the couple.

BertieBotts Germany Wed 02-Jan-13 18:00:48

Talk to him. You're not so young that it's a totally crazy idea and it seems like you're happy together. However, you both need to be ready and sure this is what you want, because it really does change your life in a totally irreversible way!

Also, when you talk about things together you can get an idea about whether you're both on the same page. 23 is young to have been together 8 years, you must have got together as teenagers? Be careful that you aren't with him just out of familiarity, does he still make your heart sing etc? grin You can also learn a lot about what kind of parent someone is likely to be from how they deal with conflict within the relationship too - what happens when you disagree over things, can you come to a compromise? Just be aware that when you have children the issues you'll have to compromise on or discuss are about 1000x more important to you!

If you're thinking of getting married too it's good to have a rough idea of a plan. DP and I have just got engaged and we have a rough plan of the next few years, when we'll get married, when we will start TTC, etc. I already have a DS who is 4 so I suppose I have to plan things out a little more, but I feel a lot better having a plan, I'm excited for our life together and the future.

Good luck!

Yanbu. That is all smile
People don't have to get married, own a home, be earning a certain amount before wanting a baby. Certainly things to consider before actually having the baby but then again plenty of children are born into unmarried, rented homes. There's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a baby before a career. Different people have different ambitions.

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 18:20:16

We are together because we want to be. If we have a disagreement we just talk it through, we have matured now and can compromise. We have been through a lot together (Family members dying), family disagreements,and apart from the odd wobbly time we have remained strong. We are always together (most ppl fight more when always together) but we seem to be the opposite. We have planned are life ie want to be married by 2016, ideally we would love to own a home properly. But at the same time theres something missing from my life, and i feel like i could be an amazing mother and someone else for me and my partner to share our love with. I know it wouldn't be easy but we are both sensible and realistic of the problems that can arise, but we trust each other and we are set for life. But I am going to wait like i said before, thanks for all your opinions, what will be will be smile

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 18:25:04

Also i am not settling, I just happened to meet the person for me very early. We want the exact same things in life. He doesnt drink much, doesnt gamble, hes very caring and couldn't do enough for me. When we talk about children we also seem to have the exact same mindset in terms of what way we would like them brought up. We also both want to get married abroad with just close family along. Sometimes we clash because we can be stubborn at times but thats normal. I feel like a career is not top priority, and things have happened in my life that have completlty changed my mind about things, and also as i said i feel theres something missing

I met the person for me early too. Theres no hard and fast rule that says you have to wait til a ripe old age before you settle down.

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 18:26:32

Maybe I should get a puppy lol :D

I met my Dh when we were 14, for some it just happens early. We are stable, loving, have been through tough times together etc...
You don't need to justify your relationship, neither should I have to!

BertieBotts Germany Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:16

Yes - apologies I know that probably came across a bit patronising. It's just a very common thing that can happen and can then be difficult if you grow apart later. Sounds like you are well matched, though.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots Wed 02-Jan-13 18:34:30

I know exactly how you feel! Totally not in a position to - both 23, no house yet, I'm paid peanuts and not working here long enough for mat leave, he's paid better but not enough (it might support a family in Hull or something but not in London), we're getting married later on this year, but that doesn't stop me being so desperate for a child it hurts most of the time, and DP is almost as bad.

Big girl pants time though! We need to get out 'ducks in a line' as I know it will work out so much better in the long run, for us and our children.

You can get Tamagotchi aps now, get one of those instead grin

From a prosaic pov please be married before.

Cohabiting, sahm, no income leaves the mum in a v vulnerable position if it all goes tits up further down the line

Boring but true

Crawling Wed 02-Jan-13 18:38:03

Having a family young was the best thing I ever did for me it meant I could stay at home with my dc having no career to give up, get a degree and good career later be young enough to run round endlessly and when my kids leave ill be young enough to enjoy being child free also my children are the fourth living generation and we may get a fifth. its not popular these days but I have never regretted a second.

Beaverfeaver Wed 02-Jan-13 18:45:08

We got married last year and will be 27 this year.
Have had our house for 7 years now but due to that we couldn't afford to do the fun things young people do such as travel.
DH now earns a good wage and between us we bring in about £70k, however, we won't be TTC until we have done the fun stuf and enjoys marrie life for a bit.
Plus I don't want to be te only one from our group of friends who has a baby, and we are the only ones that have moved out of parents house and got married

Fakebook Wed 02-Jan-13 18:46:40

I find it strange when I hear someone as young as you is broody for a baby. I had my Dd aged 24, and she was a completely unplanned honeymoon baby. Although we love dd and she is just brilliant in every way, I still have some regret that I wish I had had her later in life after getting more experience in my field. I went back to work when she was 5 months and missed out on a whole chunk of her life, and then left my job when she was 3.

Do you have friends who have had babies? Do you think you're only in love with the idea of having a baby? How about baby sitting for friends to see what a baby everyday is like. You are still young and can enjoy life without being tied down. I'd think about it long and hard. A baby is a lot of hard work as are toddlers and children and teens.

There are a lot of people who want, plan and love a baby when they are in their 20s though, pp, just because you would have rather waited doesn't mean it's the right way.

thebody Wed 02-Jan-13 19:00:03

If you wait till everything seems perfect then it may be too late.

Fate can bite your arse.

Babies in your twenties are easier than babies in thirties. Just my experience though.

peaceandlovebunny Wed 02-Jan-13 20:25:50

finish your degree, get married quickly and cheaply, and have a baby. continue improving your employability - volunteering if you can or studying cheaper courses like office skills looks good on a cv, just be sure you are doing something all the time. you can work when the baby/babies go to school.

molly199 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:39:53

I frequently babysit my niece and have done from birth till 5 years old, so I have experience with her.

Also I have worked in my current job for 5 years like i said previously so Mat pay won't be an issue.

Also I graduate in May so being pregnant would not affect my degree.

We are also going on two foreign holidays between now and april. I also have a sum of money coming to me in february which would enable me to go on another trip if I want and also have plenty left for the cost associated with preparing for a baby coming.

I have travelled every year, just because im 23 doesnt mean I havent lived my life. People start younger and younger these days doing things such as traveling

But i appreciate the comments

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 02-Jan-13 23:07:41

If you and your partner are ready for a child then go for it. I don't think you are too young (I'm 24).

I would say that circumstances change. This time last year my DP were talking about ttc in 2013. I lost my job towards the end of last year,so we can't.

With regard to renting,the reality for many people our age is that we won't ever own our own homes. Waiting until you do could end up turning into waiting until it's too late.

soontobeburns Wed 02-Jan-13 23:15:09

Im with you OP. Im 23 next week and have decided I wanted children before I started my career.

I have been trying now for near 3 years to conceive. It is due to that I say go for it!!! You never know what will happen and imo you seem in the perfect position to have a child. Speak you your partner and if he okays it. Get cracking smile

People make all kinds of assumptions about young parents.

They can't have been together long.
Baby was an 'accident'
They've been forced to stay together because of it.
They must be poor.
They havnt lived.
What about travel?
Not much education
No future
Single
Unmarried
Renting

The list goes on. Fortunately none of that list is true for me or dh. We're by no means rich but we live on what we have and within our means just like most people.
Dh and I are 22, have a dd who is 16 months and another on the way.
If the time is right for you then it's the right decision. smile
Wish you every luck in the future and hope to hear that you have a baby when you want one not when strangers on the Internet think you should have one smile

When I fell pg with DS, DP and I both had reasonable paid full time jobs, living together away from home etc. I was 20 when I had him.

Pregnancy caused my managable health problems to become awful and I had to leave my job, DP was then "let go". sad

What I am trying to say it - there is no sure way of doing anything, if it's what you both want then go for it if you both feel you are ready.

Actually...

Try and make sure you go and do some things you would love to do first though. I went to loads of festivals, went on lots of nights out alone with DP and stuff in the year before I fell pregnant and I am so glad I did.

Ariel24 Thu 03-Jan-13 00:05:11

I'm 24 and had my baby 3 months ago, she is amazing! I don't think there is ever a perfect age or time to have a baby. I'm glad I have had my baby young but I have lots of reasons for that, I did think at one point in my life that I'd never be able to have children so I am so glad I have my girl.

I will say though, the things I thought would be hard aren't all that bad, I don't feel shattered etc. what I find most difficult is how much I worry about her, I am so scared of anything bad happening to her. the things that I find hard, I didn't even anticipate when I was pregnant.

good luck OP, do what is right for you xx

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