to think certain of my single friends are single because they are just far too fussy

(136 Posts)
Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:24:28

Got several friends in their 30s who are still single and go on about it the whole time. They are all very attractive, interesting, fun, intelligent, have good jobs etc.

I do sympathise to a point, but AIBU to suggest that perhaps they should be a bit less fussy? OK so not suggesting they should go out with any old Tom, Dick or Harry as you need certain standards, but AIBU to think maybe they should sometimes 'give it a go' with someone who seems to have some potential rather than just rejecting men instantly if they don't tick all their boxes.

I was slightly unsure about DP for our first few dates as he was very shy and I didn't think he was my type, but now I am head over heels in love and would not be without him. So so very glad I gave him a shot grin and didn't write him off.

Also feel like my friends are sometimes not very self-aware - one friend refused to date a guy as he didn't have his own home and car (neither does she) and another rejected a guy because he was slightly overweight (she is hardly Kate Moss herself)........

They also seem to be attracted to good looking / trendy guys who are obviously complete plonkers - fair enough when you are 21 but thought people would have cottoned on and learnt to identify the good guys by the time they hit 30.........

Not meaning to be unsympathetic with this post, just thinking of the best ways to help my friends help themselves so to speak.

I think they are too fussy over the wrong things.

It's shallowness rather than anything else. No one should pick someone just because they're good looking and own their own home.

People rarely look for what's important unless they're self aware. Your mates don't sound particularly self aware.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 02-Jan-13 14:35:48

Well, I wouldn't date a guy that lived with his parents and didn't have a car, not unless I knew him and all his good points already. I just wouldn't find him attractive.

I do think people can be too fussy, but at the same time I think that those things will all matter much less when they meet someone they are really attracted to. I know my DH didn't tick many of my boxes on paper when I met him, but I liked him so much I didn't care. Then I realised that the things I thought were important to me weren't, and I saw that some things I hadn't considered before were more important than I'd have thought.

HollyBerryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:26

I agree with you - one of the most funny ironic posts I read on this forum went along the lines of "I'm a few stone overweight but I really like footballer types" and she meant as in fit, muscular rather than the Sunday Beer Belly League over the local park!

The options to be fussy reduce as you get older. Once you hit your mid/late 30's and your fertility becomes questionable or you have (what is euphamistically referred to as 'baggage') - the woman her self becomes a less viable commodity - so being picky and sticking with teen like ideals of tall/dark/handsome/solvent/own home can go right down the pan and need to be revisited with tallish/greying/lived in face/hands over his salary to exwife.

We all age and compromise is a part of that. But to put that in perspective, no one should settle for second best just because they missed the boat first time round.

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:37

He didn't live with his parents, he just didn't own his own home (he rented).

I wouldn't go out with a guy who lived with his parents either, unless there was an exceptionally good explanation for it!

floatyjosmum Wed 02-Jan-13 14:38:50

Are you friends with a friend of mine???

She drives me nuts - really lovely, pretty, good job etc. meetsmen who like her but they don't tick ALL the boxes and there's no spark. She then talks about how great my dh is and she wants someone just like him but doesn't get that the first time I met him I wasn't that pressed and it was only after the 2nd date that I would have even said he was nice! This spark that she talks about took a while!

Maybe they like being single.

Having a partner isn't the be all and end all!

Lueji Wed 02-Jan-13 14:40:53

It depends on why he lived with parents and why he didn't have a car.

Not having a car, ok if he lived in London and didn't need it. Not so much if he lived in the country.
Or ok, if he had a physical reason not to drive.
Probably the same about living with parents.

And ok, if he was saving to buy somewhere, for example.

It depends on their relationship. Some men don't live with their parents and are much more dependent on them then someone living at home.

digerd Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:23

Well, your friends do have high standards, and am so pleased you gave your mr nice guy a chance - I like nice men and can't stand the arrogant type.
But you can't help them change their minds. I think the older a woman gets,
the more she lets her head rule her hearts, than when they were younger.

I was 31 when I met my DH, and it was love at first sight, but he turned out to be everything I had always wanted, including the romantic feelings. He was also shy, but gorgeous looking and so sweet. I had almost given up on meeting my dream man.

Lueji Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:45

She then talks about how great my dh is and she wants someone just like him

Are you sure she doesn't want him? hmm

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:41:47

If they like being single, why do they spend the whole time moaning about it and on internet dating sites searching for the one?!

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:44:08

Lueji He didn't live with parents, just rented as opposed to having own property.

digerd Wed 02-Jan-13 14:44:11

Oh, and he did live with parents at 37 and I was his first relationship.

manicbmc Wed 02-Jan-13 14:45:24

My 'tick boxes' were: must be kind; must put up with my teens; must make me laugh; must cherish me and be totally faithful.

Found! The fact that he is tall, dark, handsome and 10 years younger than me is a bonus. But those things aren't important. grin

HollyBerryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 14:45:31

The average for males leaving the parental home is currently 36 - which I find amazing. However it is pointless slinging out money on rent if you can stay at home

wanderingalbatross Wed 02-Jan-13 14:45:45

DH was saying the same thing about some of his friends the other day. They are all successful professional types who are attractive, intelligent, interesting etc, but they refuse to compromise on anything and are eternally single because of it.

On the one hand, I like the romantic ideal that you shouldn't have to compromise when finding a partner. But you can take it too far and miss out on dating some people who you really would hit it off with if you gave them a chance.

But there are some things you definitely shouldn't compromise on. A friend of mine desperately wants marriage and kids, but his girlfriend doesn't, and he stays with her because he thinks he won't be able to meet anyone else sad So you need to think about what you will and won't compromise on.

SledYuleCated Wed 02-Jan-13 14:46:43

My old housemate had a list detailing exactly what she wanted in a man, in terms of appearance, height, interests, income, level of education etc. It even not entirely jokingly included blood type hmm

She eventually found him. He is the most odious twat I have ever met who treats her like a skivvy and has her running after him constantly. But, hey, he meets the criteria hmm sad

SledYuleCated Wed 02-Jan-13 14:47:29

Meant to say, they had to meet the criteria before they were even allowed a first date.

Fakebook Wed 02-Jan-13 14:48:50

I knew a girl like this once. Ok she was quite pretty but nothing sensational and she was looking for someone good looking. She always complained she had strings of Oxford grads and polo playing rich types pining to go out with her, but they were all too ugly. Don't know what happened in the end, I think she may still be single.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 02-Jan-13 14:50:28

I'm single and very fussy but have become that way after dating one complete arsehole and being married to someone who I wasn't suited to and should have really just been makes with. My dad is always telling me I'm too fussy, need to find someone and be happy etc but to be honest I'm happy being single. I have a really young DD and to be honest any potential partner would have to tick a lot of boxes otherwise I wouldn't even bother as life is full enough already.

SledYuleCated Wed 02-Jan-13 14:56:27

I Guess that's the difference, Kelly; the friend I mentioned was desperate for a boyfriend but would turn men down before even going on a date with them for things like not having a degree or not eating enough money.

shesariver Wed 02-Jan-13 14:57:49

Cant believe people would be that shallow not to date a man without a car or who lives with his parents - and that includes you OP. In this day and age adults can live with their parents for all sorts of reasons and just to dismiss someone based on this is rather horrible.

bleedingheart Wed 02-Jan-13 14:58:57

There are defintely some people who have very stringent selection processes that remove chemistry and sponteneity from a 'courtship' imho.

Its wise to have areas on which you won't compromise (i.e. whether you want an open relationship or not!) but identifying careers/salary/hobbies etc is so lacking in romance!

EldritchCleavage Wed 02-Jan-13 15:01:53

You definitely should 'compromise' when it comes to dates, though not necessarily relationships. Some rigid template applied to anyone before you will even go for a drink with them is silly.

That said, I appeared to be such a friend once, and being told I was 'too fussy' I found upsetting. What my close confidantes knew, was that I was terrified, had a lot of issues I thought would put nice men off, and a history of sexual abuse and rape that meant intimacy was a very frightening prospect even though I was yearning for a relationship. People used to try and fix me up with friends and I just could not cope with it. So, be kind even though you're exasperated-who knows what might be behind the 'fussiness'?

floatyjosmum Wed 02-Jan-13 15:02:38

to be honest dh and i laugh about it but it does get a bit wierd sometimes! his mother would prefer him to be married to her - but thats a whole other thread.

My friend was asked out by 2 of dh's friends - who are lovely and tbh very similar to him. one i have no idea why she said no but he now has a gf and she did appear to be put out, the other - he's in a band that is actually doing well but he has been to uni and is now doing his pgce - not likely to be on x factor or bgt if you know what i mean!

MummytoKatie Wed 02-Jan-13 15:04:27

I had a friend like that. She had a list and everything. We always joked that when she met the one then she'd get serious really quick. She did. Moved in together after less than a year, engaged after 18 months, married after 2 years, beautiful baby girl after 3 years.

And the irony is that he only meets about half the list!

closerthanclose Wed 02-Jan-13 15:07:31

I was considered very fussy before I met my DH, I was a single mum for over a decade and friends thought I just needed to settle as it seemed too hard to find a nice, gorgeous, solvent, genuine man who'd want to take me and my dd on! I'm glad I didn't listen though as DH was well worth waiting for (and meets all my criteria!).

I was never desperate for a partner though, though I would occasionally moan about it along with my other single friends. But that was just empathising with them, and it was never much of a problem for me. If anything, I think my mates ought to be more fussy when settling down - some have ended up with pretty awful men when their biological clocks started ticking and just seem to have grabbed the nearest one, despite massive red flags.

I live in London and I have hardly ever dated a man who has his own car. In fact, having a car is a bit of a negative for me as it usually indicates they live in the more suburban bits of town and have a bit more of a provincial mindset.

jessjessjess Wed 02-Jan-13 15:13:16

"Got several friends in their 30s who are still single *and go on about it the whole time*"

I would imagine that's the reason. They should be getting on with their own lives, not obsessing over being single.

I see no issue with being fussy. After a series of unbelievably shite relationships I figured it was better to be single than settle for someone who wasn't right - I was willing to be open-minded, but not to compromise on things that mattered to me.

I made a list. I remember one of my friends laughing at me and saying I would never meet anyone who actually met my criteria.

Well, I did meet him, and I'm now married to him, so man am I glad I didn't listen to the people who told me to just settle!

IwantaPetFox Wed 02-Jan-13 15:16:17

YANBU OP, I know exactly what you mean. I have several single female friends in their 30s like this. The thing is, they ARE happy being single, they have great jobs, lots of friends and loving families, fun lives. There is just such a massive pressure on women to be coupled up that it makes them feel insecure and like they have to be on the hunt for someone, but they have such specific criteria on their 'checklists' that they're never going to meet them!

I met DH when we were 21 so we basically 'grew up' together and it's never felt like we've had to compromise or struggle to fit each other in to our lives. I can see how, when you're in your 30s and your life is pretty sorted and structured, it would be hard to see where a partner fits in. Maybe that's why our single friends have very specific ideas of what they want in a partner.

OTOH, I don't understand why you would put something as shallow as 'footballer looks' or 'nice car' on your list when all you need is someone kind, who you fancy, who you can love and who will love you back.

Chelvis Wed 02-Jan-13 15:17:28

I have, shall we say, a "relative" who is like this. She has very high standards and has recently rejected men, and mocked them to friends and family, for being slightly overweight, not attractive enough, not having good enough jobs, not being academic enough and not having their own home (renting).

The ridiculous thing is, she is quite overweight, IMO very average that's being kind in terms of looks, in a job with average pay, barely scraped through uni and lives with 'mummy and daddy' still. She just has no self awareness that she isn't exactly a great catch either .... I know when I was single. I knew my 'level' so to speak, so I wasn't chasing footballers and millionaire stockbrokers, but did date men who were in similar sorts of jobs to me, average looking, similar life stages. Yes, some of them there was no instant spark with, but so long as they're not odd/offensive, what's the harm in a drink or a lunch to see if you click with them?

Saying that, those sort of people do seem to end up single forever or settling for someone terrible later in life, so I suppose they end up with their own punishment for fussiness!

LilyVonSchtupp Wed 02-Jan-13 15:24:26

So women who would like a relationship should not have any standards and go out with any old bloke who will have them. Tick tock and all that hmm

Maybe those women who are successful, great fun, lots of friends etc feel pressurised by society to show an interest in 'settling down' and pay it lip service but in fact would rather put their own eyes out than share their lives with a tedious bore. Some women like footballer looks and cars - wth is wrong with that?

lubeybooby Wed 02-Jan-13 15:24:42

I am very fussy, however mainly over personality traits rather than looks.

I want someone between the ages of 30 and 45 who is kind, honest, into a little romance, who can cook, is educated/intelligent, has no sexual dysfunction and who has a good sense of humour, who isn't already married and isn't vastly shorter than me. Who doesn't have a personality and life riddled with red flags and all that.

Not only do they have to be all that but of course they have to like me too. It's just impossible!

It's a very good job that 1) I'm not bothered about having a serious relationship at the moment and 2) am very happy with my own company.

LuluMai Wed 02-Jan-13 15:25:55

I just think dating gets so much harder as you get older. People have so much baggage, children, exes, financial issues etc. People get used to living alone, get set in their ways, find it hard to compromise etc. They have often built their lives exactly as they want them instead of growing up together as couples do. People have trust issues, are scared of getting hurt, commitment issues, still hankering after an ex etc! It's a minefield! Dating in my early 20s was so easy, no one had any baggage, everyone had youthful confidence and optimisim, we were fluid and not set in our ways. I often envy my friends who met their partner when young, life was so much simpler then. I'm a perpetual singleton and unless you've had to play the dating game in your mid 30s and beyond you have no idea. It's so very easy to be smug when you're in a relationship, ie where term smug marrieds came from!

Lavenderhoney Wed 02-Jan-13 15:28:43

Is the "spark" shorthand for want to jump into bed with?smile
I was considered too fussy as well, but I saw no reason for wasting my and some blokes evening as it was never going to go anywhere.
If I thought there was a spark and he coud hold a conversation that was interesting I would have a short date, but I have lost count of the amount of men parked next to me at dinners with the urge not to be so fussy.

Floatyjosmum- As for your mate, sounds like she thinks she wishes she was with your dh not you! Does she tell him that?

IwantaPetFox Wed 02-Jan-13 15:30:40

There's nothing wrong with liking footballer looks and cars Lily, but if you're actually looking for a partner they aren't essential are they? The relationship isn't going to work/fail based on them, is it?

Crinkle77 Wed 02-Jan-13 15:31:23

EldritchCleavage I agree with you entirely. I think maybe people need to be a little less picky with the guys they date but I would not compromise on my criteria for a relationship. I have had friends who have 'settled' simply because they do not want to be on their own. I could never settle for second best and believe the 'spark' has to be there in the first place. Ok a guy might be nice, kind, thoughtful etc... but if the spark is not there then there will always be that little something missing from the relationship. Ultimately I think you have to fancy your partner and I couldn't sleep with someone I did not fancy for the rest of my life

LilyVonSchtupp Wed 02-Jan-13 15:36:51

Some footballers look like Paul Scholes. I guess they're not thinking of him eh?

lagoonhaze Wed 02-Jan-13 15:41:28

I have friends like this. In my opinion if they spent more time just looking to widen their social circles by becoming friends with others then romances would follow.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Wed 02-Jan-13 15:42:22

I have friends like this. They will be single forever at this rate. I honestly dont think perfect exists, which is a shame as that's what these people are waiting for. Having said that, my gran has a saying which goes "better to be single than put up with a nasty gobshite". Or something. I've maybe got the wording wrong but that's the jist of it.

On a different note, a relative of mine married a man who, on paper is as perfect as you could possibly get. Except he's not. He's a knob. But he would tick an awful lot of my picky friends' boxes (handsome, solvent, good job, educated kind in theory etc etc). Go figure.

Nancy66 Wed 02-Jan-13 15:42:24

maybe. But they are definitely outweighed by the women who aren't fussy enough and will shack up with any old loser just to have a man

AngryFeet Wed 02-Jan-13 15:44:09

I don't think you can really know what you want until you have been in a good relationship to be honest. I think lots of people have a good idea of their ideal man but then they meet someone who they like and the list means nothing. The problem is more likely to be that your friends didn't meet anyone in their 20's that they liked enough and when people are in their 30's lots are getting married/having kids and there isn't so much choice so it is harder to meet someone. I don't think the 'too fussy' thing is correct really. I used to think I would be with someone very handsome and sociable. My DH is good looking to me but certainly not male model material and he is not social at all. But he makes me laugh and I can be myself with him and we are a great team.

I have a friend who is desperate to fall in love. She also point blank refuses to have anything to do with any man who does not have a full head of hair. This is a little bit harder to find when the age group is 40+ so she is not having any luck!

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 02-Jan-13 16:35:23

Maybe.

One of my friends is single because she keeps sleeping with blokes already in relationships. Not being fussy at all obviously.

porridgewithalmondmilk Wed 02-Jan-13 16:46:28

Do they get offers, though? I am nearly 33 and I have tried internet dating, "getting out there" ... nothing!

These days I find that when I do meet a nice man, someone else has had the same idea first and he's married/in a relationship. I think I just left it too late, to be honest.

Croccy1979 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:49:29

Yes, they get offers. One of them is particularly lovely and stunning looking and has men falling in love with her left, right and centre.

Spuddybean Wed 02-Jan-13 17:03:42

I used to work with loads of women like this. Interesting careers in the arts but low paid. Wanted the perfect man, banker type, gorgeous, well paid, fit, tall etc. Trouble was they were in their 30's, okay looking, maybe a few extra pounds - nice enough (like me) but not 'gorgeous' model types, low paid etc. I tried to explain one night, over a bottle of wine, when they were moaning for the umpteenth time as to why they couldn't find mr perfect and 'why should they settle' that they may in fact be considered settling to these guys and what if they had the same criteria? They wouldn't get a look in! (one said that even if she met a bloke in a bar, with everything she wanted, and he asked her out, she'd say no, because she'd never go out with someone she met in a bar confused )

They weren't impressed and started ranting 'just cos we don't go out with any old loser, like you etc' I just smiled and said but 'i'm happy and you are not, fine be single if you want, but recognise it is your choice and you may not be the catches you think you are'

Jojobells1986 Wed 02-Jan-13 17:18:29

I can sympathise, OP. My foster sister is now in her 40s & only seems interested in model-level attractive men who are either drug dealers or steroid abusers. She regularly complains about how depressing it is to be single, in between insisting she's never going to be interested in another man ever again, & tells me how 'lucky' I am to have found a good man. Luck genuinely has nothing to do with it. She's had more nice men be interested in her than I have but she won't give them the time of day because they're not good-looking enough! I found the first sensible, stable man who showed an interest in me & married him, partly because I was terrified that I'd end up rejecting every nice man I met like she does! Am v pleased I did now! DH isn't a looker but he's my rock! smile

Amothersruin Wed 02-Jan-13 17:27:34

My best friend is like this! She has completely unrealistic expectations of how she thinks a man should be. For example I know she wouldnt date anyone who came from a "bad" area no matter how successful they are/level of education etc. She also wont date men older than herself-38-but doesnt realise that many men her age want to date younger women! Also is fussy with regards to looks-wouldnt date any one bald.overweight etc.

My grandmother said to me from the very first day she met her-"that girl is going to end up an old spinster" and sadly it looks like she may be right.

Sarraburd Wed 02-Jan-13 17:27:46

Yes there were loads of reasons on paper why I shouldn't have dated DH - or perhaps, him me. Definitely would never be together if we'd been Internet dating.

He's vegetarian (my parents are beef farmers).

He was my boss.

He didn't go to uni and I'm from a family of academic snobs.

I love dancing; he gave up dancing aged 4.

He's very good looking (thought he was one of those good looking tossers when I first met him)(and it's not just me thinking he's gorgeous, really!) and me, not so much - short, a bit dumpy, rubbish legs, rubbish hair. Assumed he was way 'out of my league'.

He's very anti-social, I'm the reverse.

He's an ardent cyclist, and I didn't (then) cycle.

But, actually, on closer aquaintance we found have just as many things in common as not, and ten years later still very much love and fancy him and three DC.

So while not advocating 'setlling' as such - I'd rather be single - I do think it's worth giving it a go even if they don't tick the boxes.

LynetteScavo Wed 02-Jan-13 17:30:09

But on the other hand I see so many women fall out of one relationship and immediately fall into another. I can only assume it's because they aren't being fussy enough.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 02-Jan-13 17:31:59

a lot of my single friends are very fussy, and IMO they're dead right, they've got good lives they've built for themselves all by themselves and someone has to really enhance it in order to make the sacrifices a relationship involves, I don't think they should settle for the sake of any old okayish man!

but then there's the ones that complain about being single all the time, are constantly on the pull (can't go out for a chat with them as they're looking over your shoulder scoping the joint for men) but are really fussy in a nasty way - and they are NOT the ones with the fantastic lives/bodies themselves! and are very rude to anyone who doesn't tick their stupid lists (which rarely have much to do with personality, its all hair colour, acceptable jobs, own property...)

thebody Wed 02-Jan-13 17:41:01

I met dh when we were 17 and married young and had our first kid young so we sort of grew up together.

I have friends in their 40s that are single and want a partner but have good jobs, nice houses and can do what the hell they like so get selfish in a totally understandable way.. I wouldn't want to he moulding or compromising now and understand why they don't.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 02-Jan-13 17:49:49

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being fussy, why settle for something you don't want?

AmIthatTinselly Wed 02-Jan-13 20:23:21

I'd love the opportunity to actually be fussy.

The friends might find that once they reach their 40s, they become invisible and won't even get the opportunity to be fussy

LessMissAbs Wed 02-Jan-13 21:52:13

Some of them may be fussy but what is too fussy, when the alternative is "settling" for someone they many not really be in love with, realising that doesn't work in the long run and ending up with an expensive divorce when by staying single they might, just might, have still met someone they actually do love? Ugh - the thought of having to kiss some ugly bloke you don't really fancy, just in order to not be single! Or should they just will themselves to fall in love, somehow, anyhow? Is that even possible?

I think the days of thinking of unmarried women as "spinsters" left on the shelf are gone - it was surely relevant in older times when women couldn't earn their own money.

That said, I do have friends who are fussy about the wrong things. One is only attracted to older men with money. I don't think expecting a grown man to be able to drive and not live at home with his parents is unreasonable though!

I also have female friends who are simply not that attractive, or who are just damned annoying to spend too much time with (talk incessantly/unreliable/flaky/lazy). It could be that many of them simply don't get much choice.

Most good relationship type people will enter relationships early on in life.

Lavenderhoney Thu 03-Jan-13 03:00:14

,"most good relationship type people will enter relationships early in life" is a ridiculous statement. What is a good relationship type person?

Do you really believe that people who don't meet mr or ms right very early on and live happily ever after are " bad relationship types" ?

Booyhoo Thu 03-Jan-13 03:21:35

you sound like a smug married TBH OP. how long have you been with your DP? i'm betting anything you were just as guilty of joining in with their conversations about why whoever you dated wasn't the right one before you met your DP but now you've found him you're think they should just get on with it.

fwiw, i've done the "just give him a go" tactic and it done nothing but lower my self esteem bit by bit because the whole time all i felt i was doing was settling for something i didn't want. now i'm being super fussy because i know what i want and i'm not wasting my time on someone that's not it.

detoxlatte Thu 03-Jan-13 03:23:50

I too have a small number of friends like this, and if I've heard "but why should I have to settle just because I'm thirty-whatever years old" once, I've heard it a hundred times. Fine, but then don't complain about not having what ''settling" would get you!

What I want to know is whether we are looking, forty or fifty years down the line, at a large chunk of the female population aging in singledom. Can you imagine how much fun these women will have??! They'll have had a lifetime of earning with no kids to relieve them of their salaries, they can travel the world with friends and lovers, they can behave as irresponsibly as they want to...there's much to recommend it, really!

LuluMai Thu 03-Jan-13 04:01:21

Again detox, why do you assume those of us who are long term singletons, and may be for many years/our whole lives, are not parents?

PetersburgPrincess Thu 03-Jan-13 04:08:04

I also have female friends who are simply not that attractive, or who are just damned annoying to spend too much time with (talk incessantly/unreliable/flaky/lazy). It could be that many of them simply don't get much choice.

Wow I hope my friends would never describe me in that way. If they're are so damn annoying why are you even friends?

Most good relationship type people will enter relationships early on in life

I did laugh out loud when I read this.

I bow down to your pearls of wisdom.

misterwife Thu 03-Jan-13 06:02:31

I agree. I find it slightly ridiculous. If you get on really, really, well conversationally and you find each other attractive, there is no reason not to take the plunge.

Refusing to date someone based on purely materialistic considerations like 'not owning your own home' or 'not having a car' is moronic.

Nancy66 Thu 03-Jan-13 08:35:47

it's not moronic - especially if you're successful yourself and own your own car and home yourself.

Perhaps some women think it shows a lack of ambition.

I have a friend who has a ridiculously long tick box list (in her head). She's been single for over 5 years and only been on a handful of dates. While I agree there's settling, I feel it is quite possible she could have relaxed her list slightly and at least gone on some dates with guys that met 80% of her tick boxes because so many of us end up with people that, on paper, we wouldn't have imagined ourselves with.

One that annoys me more than anything is hair colour. Women who will only date a guy who has dark hair. I mean, seriously??? I'm a chap and I couldn't give a hoot about hair colour. Some women change their hair colour a lot. Would I dump a woman who had been blonde when I starting dating her and after 6 months decided to return to natural brunette? Same bloody person! I think I'd be regarded as ridiculously shallow for doing so.

BooCanary Thu 03-Jan-13 08:58:56

I think internet dating encourages the 'finding the perfect man' ideal.

I have a good friend who was always popular with men when we were in our teens and 20s. She had her pick, and she was very choosy, had an ideal of marrying a doctor, not liking bald men, counting out anyone even vaguely overweight, only going for classic tall/dark/handsome etc etc.

Now she is in her mid/late 30s, never been in a serious long term relationship and still just as picky. Internet dating has made her even worse. Her 'specification'/list is so long. She rules people out for the most shallow reasons.

BooCanary Thu 03-Jan-13 09:01:31

Are you ginger/blond by any chance Voice ?? wink

misterwife Thu 03-Jan-13 09:06:33

I realise 'moronic' was very strong, but my experience is coloured by my very, very bad experiences of (other people in the family's) marriages of convenience, where materialistic considerations significantly outweighed emotional ones in the decision to get engaged. It is grim.

"marrying a doctor"
What a depressing ambition

Willemdefoeismine Thu 03-Jan-13 09:24:25

I personally think it does take kissing a lot of frogs to find your prince! I think the issue is that a lot of us through our relationships that don't work move towards rejigging our ideal so that eventually we find a lover who is so right for us.

I love my DH to bits but it took me most of my 20s/30s to reach the point where I was able to fully appreciate all of who he was when I met him. I knew someone very similar to him when I first went to Uni who I wouldn't date because he was so outside my 'ideal'. DH always says ruefully "if only we'd met when we were students' and realistically I know that we wouldn't be where we are today if we had....(if that makes sense).

I have a gorgeous friend who finally at nearly 50 seems to be finding happiness with a divorced, with child, craftsman, rather than a model-like academic with no heart (her former type). So fantastic but sad too that she wasted her 'fertile' years on men who just weren't emotionally there for her ever, chasing her dream man. Of everyone I know she would have been the most suited to motherhood. Thankfully and finally she changed the parameters for her man and it seems to be working...

Nancy66 Thu 03-Jan-13 09:31:45

if you're a single woman in your mid 30s and the men you are looking for are going to be in the 35 plus band then I understand why it's important to be fussy.

A guy who is a bit of a waster at 20 could easily make something of himself by 40. A bloke who hasn't done much with his life at 38 is never going to.

Boo - ha, neither, actually, but my friend is the one who insists a guy must have dark hair and I just don't get it. I do agree that internet dating does encourage or promote 'the ideal' scenario.

I went on Plentyoffish once and there you could search people by almost anything you wanted to, almost down to where they buy their underwear. I never used anything other than
a) distance from me
b) an age range
c) must be a non-smoker
d) not do drugs

I never selected by eye colour, hair colour, education level, minimum or maximum height, earnings etc etc.

Snorbs Thu 03-Jan-13 09:39:52

SPBinDisguise, I'm with you. People seriously choose potential partners based on their career? WTF? How mercenary is that?

Croccy1979 Thu 03-Jan-13 09:40:53

Not suggesting at all anyone should settle

Just that if you give people a chance and not rule them out for petty reasons they might surprise you. And if they don't I would never say settle for them!!!

Also be self aware. You might want a super-model doctor with a trust fund, but if you are ugly, fat, stupid and poor yourself he might not want you..... It's not about settling just about having realistic expectations

Was also thinking that if you're going to have doctor related ambitions (or anything else for that matter) do it yourself!

I'm single and don't have a check list but i only attract knob heads it seems.

But in 22 so have a few years to find someone before I end up with a check list grin

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 09:46:51

'but if you are ugly, fat, stupid and poor yourself he might not want you..... It's not about settling just about having realistic expectations '

Wow... I SO hope your friends aren't reading this... angry

Chandon Thu 03-Jan-13 09:47:23

I have a male friend, who lived with his mum and did not have a car.

He was snapped up, by a savvy woman, who saw what was behind this:

The fact that he was a part time carer for his disabled mum. The fact that he was kind and fun. He got rid of his car as his mum could not get into it, due to disability, so he used hers instead.

I agree with OP that some singles judge too harshly too soon. I don't get this box ticking mentality at all. You either click with someone or you don't.

my DH was a smoker when I met him. I loathed smoking and smoke, but I am glad it did not stop me from giving it a chance! ...or maybe He was the one giving me a chance ;)

CrunchyFrog Thu 03-Jan-13 09:50:29

I'm a happy single person.
Smug marrieds never believe this. I've had thd "too fussy" thing thrown at me a lot.
Just because a man wants me doesn't mean I have to want him out of some sort of twisted gratitude. Just because I meet and talk to someone does not mean I want to shag/ marry them.
My list of "criteria" is not reakky that, it's just more that I know what makes me happy and what I would be willing to put up with.
A relationship would require big sacrifices on my part, so there would have to be a compelling reason to do it.

Croccy1979 Thu 03-Jan-13 10:09:51

'but if you are ugly, fat, stupid and poor yourself he might not want you..... It's not about settling just about having realistic expectations '

I was NOT referring to my friends when I wrote this . Just making the point that some people have very unrealistic expectations. My friends are actally all rather attractive (if not supermodels), as per my original post.

Yes I know some people are happy being single. But my friends clearly are not happy as they spend large amounts of time complaining that they are single and want to meet a man. But yes I am sure some people are single and very happy that way.

Also wish people would read the original post - my friend did not reject a guy because he lived with parents, but because he did not own his own home (ie he rented rather than owned). I think that is ridiculous coming from her as she is in her 30s and doesn't own a house nor does she ever have a penny to her name!

No I am not a smug married. I have been single myself for large parts of my life before I met DP so I know what it's like, but I always gave different blokes a chance, even if they were not my normal type etc (assuming they met certain minimum standards, not criminals, drug dealers etc) (by give a chance I mean I would go on a few dates with them, not sleep with them or anything).

samandi Thu 03-Jan-13 10:23:47

YANBU. shrugs Surely it's common sense?

Do people really date like this anyway? Seems rather American to me. Maybe they should watch a little less Sex and the City.

Paiviaso Thu 03-Jan-13 10:45:28

YANBU. Some of my friends from back home are like this. Would very much like to be in relationships, but discount guys based on very shallow observations, and have essentially been single since we left school (over 10 years ago!) :/

TheSmallClanger Thu 03-Jan-13 11:49:00

There's no point pushing something if the initial spark isn't there. No matter how pleasant the other person is, if you don't fancy them, you don't, and you probably never will.

When I see how crap some of my friends' relationships are, I often think that people should be much more fussy about who they share their lives with.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 12:04:24

'When I see how crap some of my friends' relationships are, I often think that people should be much more fussy about who they share their lives with'

^^ This.

Nancy66 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:51:19

Thesmallclanger - couldn't agree more

when i was single in my 30s i can't tell you how many times i went on a date with someone, came back saying he was a nice guy but not for me only to have people say 'give him a chance.' I often did as they said and it was pointless - the person never grew on me.

squoosh Thu 03-Jan-13 16:17:45

I also agree with TheSmallClanger, I can think of lots of people who should have been far more choosy.

The main thing is the initial spark, that whoosh of chemistry. In my experience if that isn't instantly there, there's no point pursuing it. Living with parents would be an ABSOLUTE dealbreaker, being unemployed or having addiction issues also would rule them out. But beyond that it's all up for grabs as long as I fancy them.

ethelb Thu 03-Jan-13 16:30:56

I agree a little OP. I have friends who honestly say they are expecting Mr Darcy to come out of nowhere, sweep them off their feet and solve all their problems, mental, physical, financial, sexual etc.

They are very strict about how they should meet these people (not at work, not close friends) but also about how the relationship should progress (should be friends first, develop a deep love for each other over time with lots of yearning before finally announcing they love each other and moving out to the country to have lots of babies a few months later) and it is hard to be sympathetic tbh.

Unfortunatly, after being single and being treated like shit for years I met the perfect man grin so I can't say this as I come across as a smug married wink

I do think that there is obviously a huge difference between not being fussy and putting up with shit though, and it is unfair for posters to say the two things are the same!

DadOnIce Thu 03-Jan-13 16:33:06

I can see the point of not wanting to date someone who is a druggie, or a smoker if you are not one, or a heavy drinker if you're teetotal, or a lover of rare bloody steaks every Tuesday if you are a strict vegan. It's all about compatibility.

But leaving that aside, a lot of women really don't seem to realise how vacuous, grabbing and shallow all this stuff about cars, home-owning, earnings, etc. makes them sound. Whatever happened to being a decent guy above all? Would any man ever judge a woman on her earnings?

LessMissAbs Thu 03-Jan-13 16:52:35

DadOnIce I wanted someone near enough my "equal" (and found him). I don't think thats terribly unusual, and if men don't want a woman their equal in intelligence and education, I find that a bit odd too and possibly rather sexist

I don't think what is being described above is golddigging, but women who simply limit their choices to a man who is roughly on a par with them.

DadOnIce Thu 03-Jan-13 16:55:16

Equal in intelligence/education is perfectly understandable (although I know a good few couples where that is patently not the case). Doesn't always manifest itself in easily-measurable terms like bank balance and car ownership, though.

KC225 Thu 03-Jan-13 17:05:38

I have a couple of single friends with 'shopping lists' that are quite mad. Both have been single for years and years and constantly moan about it, One of them joined a dating agency and told them she would not date anyone with children, because she wanted a child and she didn't want them running off to spend time with someone else's child. She wouldn't date anyone married before as she felt she had the right to be 'the one'. Nor did she want anyone over 40 (she was 35) because it felt too old. All this before she would agree to a date. Needless to say she didn't find anyone and is now 40 and still SINGLE and still moaning about it.

I tried to tell that she was ruling out a lot of good men but she would just wail - I'm not going to settle. But it's not about settling, it's about giving someone a chance. She's forever going on about 'the spark' or 'chemistry' or 'soulmates'. I've told her that some do have that instant spark/chemistry but don't rule out the slow burners. I had the spark/love at first sight with my ex and he turned out to be a complete arse. My husband was a slow burner. A nice bloke who was easy to be with and made me laugh. We've been together of 9 years and I've never been happier.

LessMissAbs Thu 03-Jan-13 17:09:38

Ah yes DadOnIce but I also expect a partner to be reasonable practical and organised, and I'm afraid that for a man in his twenties, that generally means studying or working towards those basic goals, and in their thirties or forties, having actually achieved them. I don't think it unreasonable at all for a woman who has achieved those things to expect a man also to have done so. Men still statistically earn more than women, so have even less excuse not to have done so.

Given that there will be exceptions eg car ownership in a city centre might not be essential. If the woman hasn't achieved those things herself then I agree it might be seen as a little hypocritical.

I'm all for common interests too - DH and I met through our love of the same sport. I guess where the education levels in couples are different, theres usually a compensation, such as one of the couple being very attractive, or very talented in some sphere, or suchlike.

simplesusan Thu 03-Jan-13 17:12:58

I think both men and women can be guilty of this.
I think it is fair not to compromise on some things but those are less artificial things, such as deep rooted beliefs and values.
Compromising on things such as I will only date men who are at least 6feet tall or women who are a size 10 is entirely different.

milf90 Thu 03-Jan-13 17:22:03

i think that about my best friend i am a horrible person, i know she moans a lot about not having anyone and being alone forever etc.etc. but then when someone does come along who likes her she either doesnt like them or cba.

shes a lovely girly, very pretty - im not sure why there arent more guys after her tbh.

i hate to say it too, but i think OH would be perfect for her....i do get worried sometimes.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 03-Jan-13 17:30:04

Im single, coz im selfish and like my space, and im busy raising a child.

My friend is single, because she is little miss picky pants, needs a car, needs own place, cant be overweight, cant have friends think hes ugly, its tiresome.

SomersetONeil Thu 03-Jan-13 17:45:50

grin DadOnIce...

Because men are never, ever shallow in their pick of women, right? As long as she's got a lovely personality, that's all that matters. LOL.

Men are equally, if not more shallow - look at the myriad examples of fat, overweight, middle-aged men with beautiful, model-esque women.

Perhaps it's a bit of a shock to realise some women can be equally as shallow - maybe in a slightly different way - as many men have always been. wink

Hobbitation Thu 03-Jan-13 17:50:13

It's all a bit "smug married" isn't it? Maybe they are single because they want to be? Marriage can be lonelier than singledom.

Hobbitation Thu 03-Jan-13 17:51:52

Men are equally, if not more shallow - look at the myriad examples of fat, overweight, middle-aged men with beautiful, model-esque women.

Does it make you shallow if your partner is attractive? Surely physical attraction is fairly essential.

I have a friend in her late thirties, who wants an adonis of a similar age.
Hard enough, but then add to that that he can't be divorced, too long single, have kids, have had too many short term relationships, be ex-forces or a former convict.
Who exactly does that leave?!

DadOnIce Thu 03-Jan-13 17:53:03

Somerset: but the point is that both sexes can be pretty shallow when it comes to looks - but when it comes to money, cars, "ambition", glamorous job etc., it just seems to go one way...

Only dating people you find sexually/physically attractive surely makes sense. It's pointless going out with someone where there is no spark or chemistry at all. And not all men like leggy, model-doll-type women - some know they are frighteningly high-maintenance and artificial-looking.

There are lots of ways of showing that you are sensible, practical and organised which don't involve ownership of property or vehicles. Supposing it has always been a man's life ambition to be an artist in a rented cottage on some windswept coast, and to go everywhere by bicycle to protect the environment?... Not everybody's cup of tea, but he would appeal to some women. (Hmm, maybe only if played by Colin Firth...)

DadOnIce Thu 03-Jan-13 18:00:42

It's the "Mr Darcy" syndrome mentioned by another poster above which depresses me. I would hate for my DD to think in the future that a hole in her life in terms of property, organisation, transport, finance, generally "being sorted" etc. could be solved by a man coming in and sweeping her off her feet. If you want a nice house and car, why can't you be the one to earn it? Why can't you be the one with the impressive-sounding job-title? Surely the relationships with the most stable footing are those where the two people have similar values and aspirations. Which I think is what people are saying above anyway. But that won't always manifest itself in the form of the limited, very materialist examples some people have given.

itsmineitsmine Thu 03-Jan-13 18:02:46

I have a friend like this. Any man she's with MUST have a trendy but financially rewarding job, along the lines of successful artist/photographer/musician.

She went out with an award winning journslist for 18months but wouldnt commit to him. Ditto a successful lawyer.

Lived with and had her heart broken by a trendy and successful photographer.

Still single and desperate to have children at 34 but wont commit to anyone without the 'right' credentials.

itsmineitsmine Thu 03-Jan-13 18:05:00

I'm sure my friend doesnt see me as smug married, btw. My handsome and articulate dh works in IT so she would not have looked twice at him.

KC225 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:05:49

We are not talking women who are happy being single or women who want to be on their own. They are sorted, happy with their lives.

It's not a case of 'smug' marrieds. These women are moaning to us. Women who are griping about the lack of men out there/that they never meet any men/all the good ones are taken etc., when they are holding on out for some Mr Darcy type and turning their nose up at some decent blokes

closerthanclose Thu 03-Jan-13 18:14:13

I don't believe it's shallow or materialistic to look for a man who is reasonably solvent, especially if you live in an expensive part of the country. Realistically, in most situations if you want to start a family, you will be dependent on his salary for some of the time and/or you'd need him to have a good salary to contribute towards a mortgage. So it's only sensible to choose someone who will be a good provider, even if you have a good career yourself.

I have many friends who dismissed the need for a good salary when looking for a partner, they've all either had to take much less maternity leave than they'd have liked, move away from friends because they can't afford to live in those areas, limit the number of dc they had or compromise in other ways. Their partners are (mostly) decent guys, but I feel sad for them because they are lovely, bright women and I'm sure they could have met and fallen for guys who were decent and with a good earning potential.

Snorbs Thu 03-Jan-13 18:22:15

Their partners are (mostly) decent guys, but I feel sad for them because they are lovely, bright women and I'm sure they could have met and fallen for guys who were decent and with a good earning potential.

FFS.

So your friends had to modify their plans to suit their means. Welcome to the Real World. Maybe their plans were unrealistic. Maybe they realised that having a decent man that they love is more important than holding out for the hope of a decent man with "good earning potential" who may never come along.

Or maybe they simply aren't as shallow and materialistic as you are.

Hobbitation Thu 03-Jan-13 18:35:07

Also with some "high-flying" individuals you may be effectively bringing the kids up on your own as they are never there. I see a lot of that. Not for me, I prefer it to be more of a partnership.

squoosh Thu 03-Jan-13 18:37:49

I only go out with men who have their own unicorn. That's not too picky is it?

LessMissAbs Thu 03-Jan-13 18:41:51

I do think a lot of men are deluded though if they think that baggage borne out of behaving quite badly in the past in relationships, lack of education and hence decent job, and debts, make them a desirable catch once they've began to lose their youthful good looks. There seems to be an acceptance that men can get away with anything but women have to be some kind of perfect slim-but-curvy, interesting-yet-obedient, self-sufficient-yet-servient vision of lovliness, grateful for a man deigning to show her interest.

I'm glad I'm not looking now because at 37, quite frankly most men of my age or a couple of years older who are single are physically off-putting, never mind getting onto their lack of own home or independent means of transport. I can see why being single would be much more appealing than the dubious supposed benefits of "settling" for someone like that.

So many men with not that much going for them are also very arrogant, yet if women have even half the samea attitude, they are criticised for being too fussy. I can imagine that if some of these "slightly imperfect" men were really genuine, decent, kind, modest sorts, they might appeal to single women more, but so often they are arrogant players out for what they can get.

I do think though that the best men get snapped up quite early. So there are less nice ones to choose from once you get past a certain age.

monsterchild Thu 03-Jan-13 18:49:03

squooshthat's not picky enough. I just call Dh's unicorn "little Mr. Monster!"

WhataSook Thu 03-Jan-13 20:17:35

Well I would probably be considered a smug married...am delighted I found DH, glad to not be trawling pubs and clubs still now I am in my mid 30s...so what? But I am only 'smug' because I have what I want in a DH. If I wanted to be single and was then I would be a smug singledon.

Is it so bad to be happy with your lot, whatever that is? Or should we all be miserable arses because we are married/single so that those who dont have what they want feel ok about themselves?

And DH not only didnt have a car when I met him, he didnt have a licence the loser, so I taught him.

Snorbs Thu 03-Jan-13 21:11:06

Well, this thread has certainly opened my eyes. As a middle-aged man with an income that puts me in the high-rate tax bracket I think I'll need to start being a bit more choosy.

It would probably be best for me to discount all single mothers as, frankly, their earning potential is rarely that great and a lot of them don't even own their own homes. But then the single women without kids may well be just looking at me as a source of finance to carry them through motherhood which would obviously hurt my own earning potential so they're out. Single women who don't want kids it is then!

Or, maybe, there are more important things for the success of a relationship than how much cash they're likely to earn.

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:21

quite frankly most men of my age or a couple of years older who are single are physically off-putting <snorts with laughter at the frankness of that statement>

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 21:33:23

It would probably be best for me to discount all single mothers as, frankly, their earning potential is rarely that great and a lot of them don't even own their own homes. That's me in a nutshell Snorbes grin

When I first dated my DH I was impressed with how organised he seemed with his finances. Later I found out he was completely insolvent and the bills he was paying were all final demands. But by the time I'd found this out I'd decided I rather liked him and stuck with it. A few months later he came by a very large inheritance which he basically handed over to me as he didn't trust himself with it. So I dated an impoverished hippy and ended up mortgage free - who knew!

superstarheartbreaker Thu 03-Jan-13 22:10:23

It goes both ways you know; I recently went out with a lovely man who dosn't have his own home and has no car because he has a car phobia after an accident but I didn't care because I liked him so much. He has rejected me as I have a child even though in his words I am "intelligent, attractive and funny". Sigh. I normally go for hotties but surely that is normal. He wasn't a conventional hottie but I still fancied him. Apparently there's a spark (in his words again) but that's not enough.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 03-Jan-13 22:18:40

Since having dd however I have pulled some very hot 22 year olds who love older women. It's just they would be rubbish partners (generally). Likewise I fancy some really hot silver foxes at work. It's so easy to generalise. In conclusion though I think YABU. I have got very badly burned in the past for not aiming high enough. One of the most abusive arseholes I have been with was alos a minger with a small dick but I considered him to be in my league so gave him a chance. Where did it get me? Nowhere. Aim high I say.
I went on a date with a man with no job, no car who lived with mum and dad and I liked him a lot. I would have given him a chance but he was looking for work elsewhere in the country.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 03-Jan-13 22:38:53

Also would like to point out that finding your dp early in life is not necesarily the best thing ..I met y minger with the small dick at the tender age of 16. The abuse was severe and it ruined my chances of finding a decent man in my early 20s when all of my friends were hooking up with their university friends. Mabe my bitterness scared men away grin . The bonus when dating as an older woman is that we can sift through the arseholes (kind of).

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 22:39:32

Oh superstar all I attract are hot young guys. Fun but not relationship material even though they keep telling me they are (bless them) smile

superstarheartbreaker Thu 03-Jan-13 22:44:28

I love hot young guys! thay are fun! I love hot old guys too! Some friends have told me that I date too young but when I go on a dating website I always put ages 18-55. Plenty of choice!

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 22:57:03

How old are you? 55 is def way to old for me! Older than my mum and dad!

foreverondiet Thu 03-Jan-13 22:57:22

Totally agree. Shocked by the no car and living with parents comment.

Maybe no need for a car as takes tube / train to work.
Maybe lives with parents to save money to eventually buy a house.

Also some stuff shouldn't be compromised on - like shouldn't be with someone who is abusive or has anger management issues and will not deal with. Or arrogant or obnoxious. And might be difficult if very conflicting say religious beliefs.

But don't get why height / looks / profession / interests are so important.

squoosh Thu 03-Jan-13 22:59:32

I'd be shocked if someone wasn't bothered by a grown man living with his Mum and Dad!

squoosh Thu 03-Jan-13 23:00:32

And looks are so important, finding someone sexually attractive is Step 1.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 03-Jan-13 23:02:51

The guy with the small dick was also shorter than me. See; I took the relative beauty of youth for granted when I could have gone for a stunner with a nice personality. I think looks are important. Some people find a certain type attractive; I like both geeks and jocks. As long as theyy have a certain charisma or a warm heart.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Thu 03-Jan-13 23:04:42

it depends on whether they're still living at home (i.e. 40 and never moved out), our just currently back living with mum and dad and have plans to move out in the future IYKWIM

DH was living at home when I met him, he had moved out at 18 and had only been back for a few months and was only there for a few months more

same goes for job, if they're currently low earning but have had an interesting career history and interesting career plans for the future, then their employment status right now doesn't matter IMO, but if they've never done much and don't plan to do much that's different

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 23:05:11

I'd be shocked if someone wasn't bothered by a grown man living with his Mum and Dad! yep this

shesariver Thu 03-Jan-13 23:05:46

I'd be shocked if someone wasn't bothered by a grown man living with his Mum and Dad!

Why?

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Thu 03-Jan-13 23:06:01

but dating anyone that there isn't some physical attraction to is both patronising and a waste of everyone's time, chemistry is very important!

KC225 Thu 03-Jan-13 23:08:08

Superstar:- are you Julie Burchill talking about Tony Parsons?

KellyElly Thu 03-Jan-13 23:08:15

There's a BIG difference between a 30 odd year old living with his parents because he's moved back to save for a flat, had a divorce etc. One that's been living there since birth is a no go IMO.

squoosh Thu 03-Jan-13 23:13:14

Because I’m an independent adult and cannot fathom why another adult (I’m going to imagine someone over the age of 25) would possibly want to live with their parents. I can understand that certain circumstances might mean they may need to move home for maybe a few months. But a man who had never left home? Not in a million years. Red flags ahoy!

So, so, so unsexy.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 03-Jan-13 23:29:42

I've just realised that ALL my ex's lived at home with their parents, including DP (although he was going through a divorce and ExW got the house). However I live in the South East, you have to be a premiership footballer to get a mortgage on a studio flat round here. and I lived with my mum until 32 FREAK THAT I AM

Adversecamber Thu 03-Jan-13 23:30:34

One of my male friends was made redundant and was going to have to move back home , he did fortunately get another job so managed to avoid it. That would be fine with me.

LessMissAbs Fri 04-Jan-13 00:56:11

superstarheartbreaker I recently went out with a lovely man who dosn't have his own home and has no car because he has a car phobia after an accident but I didn't care because I liked him so much. He has rejected me as I have a child even though in his words I am "intelligent, attractive and funny

I got rejected by a guy (before I met DH) for being "too good looking and too intelligent".

I also got rejected for being 2 1/2 years older than a guy once.

MardyArsedMidlander Fri 04-Jan-13 09:30:10

After reading this yesterday, I got an email from a guy at a dating site who said he was interested. He has a disability (no probs- so do I)- but 'hates doley scroungers'. He wants a 'respettfull woman' and his favourite book is 'American Psycho' and his favourite game something called 'STALKER' [SHOCK]

Think I might carry on being picky....

Latara Fri 04-Jan-13 10:43:13

I seem to attract: Players, addicts, married men and er, that's it.

Is it picky to ask for someone who doesn't tick those boxes??

I think my problem is that i'm too laid back & 'nice' to people, so the 'wrong' kind of men don't get put off.

shesariver Fri 04-Jan-13 11:56:35

Its not necessarily a case of wanting to live with your parents as an adult, its a case of having to, or be homeless. I would never have any of my 3 DCs homeless as an adult.

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