to be upset with my friend over this?

(144 Posts)
7evendwarves Tue 01-Jan-13 23:59:03

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

squeakytoy Wed 02-Jan-13 00:00:35

is there any reasonable reason why your current partner is being controlling?

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:30

Perhaps she's of the opinion that your new DP doesn't own you and has no right to tell you who you can see socially?

Cathycomehome Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:31

Why is your partner worried about you spending time with your ex? Why are you?

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:38

Maybe she thinks that your new DP is being unreasonable telling you who you can and can't be in the same room as. Unless I'm reading it wrong, you haven't said that you don't want to see your ex, only that you're not allowed to.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:04:48

No I haven't said why because the reasons are rather complicated. He knows ex and has reasons to dislike him - not saying ex is a bad person but they don't get along. I would rather this wasn't the case but am respecting dp's wishes.

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:04:48

I agree the problem is with your current partner. Are YOU happy to see your ex, and if so, what's is problem with your partner meeting him?

dickiedavisthunderthighs Wed 02-Jan-13 00:05:40

It's not your friend you should be getting cross with here, she's allowed to invite who she wants. It's your DP who's the problem; who is he to tell you you can't go to a social event because your ex is there?!

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:19

So they don't get on.

But why mustn't you see your ex socially? confused

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:26

In that case - big red flags with your partner. In this situation, he should be respecting YOUR wishes.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:07:31

Just because you can't see your Ex shouldn't mean that she can't.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:09:56

Then really it's not a case of your friend chosing your ex over you, as there is no legitimate reason why you can't be in the same room as him. Your new DP may be dictating your social life but that doesn't mean he gets to dictate hers.

JustAHolyFool Wed 02-Jan-13 00:10:26

As others have said, it's your partner that's the problem here, not your friend.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:10:36

Wow.So now your Dp's orders are not only being obeyed by you,you think they should be obeyed by your friend?

Take a step back and have a good hard look at the reasoning behind this.Even if there is a good reason to avoid being in the company of your ex (and by that I mean violence or similar),then it should be you making that judgement call,and not your current partner.

As your friend sees no problem staying socialable with your ex,and you see no problem with her being friends with him,I'm guessing he ain't too much of a shit to warrant this.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:10:37

Boney I have never said that she can't. Just that I would rather she wouldn't invite him knowing that we had already made plans and I then wouldn't be able to come. She knows him through me, so hasn't known him that long.

He has reasons for not liking ex which I can understand, though not necessarily agree with. I would be happy to see ex if this wasn't the situation - but then I don't really think he would want to see me.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:11:58

I just feel in a difficult situation as I don't want to hurt dp, but don't want to not see friend because of this.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:12:21

Yeah you said he has reasons for not liking your ex.

But what are his reasons for you not being able to see him socially?

Why does he get to control who you see on a night out? confused

JustAHolyFool Wed 02-Jan-13 00:13:12

I really don't get this. My partner has a couple of friends I don't really like. I don't stop him seeing them though and it doesn't bother me that he seems them. If he tried to stop me seeing someone...well, he just wouldn't, but I certainly wouldn't just let him stop me seeing someone.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:15:03

If you don't agree with your DP's reasons for disliking your ex then why are you going along with it?

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:15:31

His reasons for not wanting me to see him is thinking that he isn't a nice person, and perhaps insecurity on his part.

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:16:27

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this.

Of course you have a choice, you have the ability to speak don't you? confused

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 00:16:41

He can disliking your ex. That's fine. He's an adult, he can choose who he socialises with. Shock horror - so can you. Why the hell are you putting up with being told who you can and can't be in the same room with? Is he so insecure he thinks you will run off with your ex?

If you think your ex wont want to see you, then why don't you go and if you are there, he can leave?

Stop being so controlled by these two men.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:17:36

Worra I have told him I'm not happy about him stopping me seeing ex p but he is very insistent on it, and for the easy life I have agreed not to see him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 00:17:39

What do you mean 'I don't have a choice'?

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:00

Why don't you have a choice? If you genuinely feel that you don't have choices in a new relationship then that would suggest your new DP is very controlling. I also wonder if he has hit upon a clever way to alienate you from your friends with this tactic.

The issue here is your partner telling you not to see your ex. BIG, HUGE red flag.

There is absolutely no reason for you not to see your ex in a social way - what if you were in a pub/party and he came in? Can you see how ridiculous this situation is?

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:16

His reasons for not wanting me to see him is thinking that he isn't a nice person, and perhaps insecurity on his part.

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this.

You DO have a choice. And I advise you to start making that choice. You've just made a really, really worrying statement there.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:57

How long have you been with 'DP' for?

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:19:50

OMG - don't go for "an easy life"..... a few years down the line of this and your life will be far from easy.

Er yes you do and always DO have a choice, to say to your current partner that he needs to get over whatever his issues are cos you are still going to see your friend and if ex is there, well, tough, either he trusts your judgement or not.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:07

on and off for many years. We were separated for quite some time when I start seeing ex p.

I genuinely feel like I don't have a choice about this - and don't want to be alienated from friends because of this.

KobayashiMaru Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:18

you really think that your friend shouldn't see who she likes because your partner controls you who can see? Are you for real?

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:45

It's not uncommon for partners to dislike a mate or two. However, mature people deal with their own dislikes and don't put bans on seeing that person. Usually they choose not to meet that person themselves, which is fair enough.

He might not like your ex, but this is his problem. If you want to socialize with your ex this should be entirely your choice. What happens when your dp doesn't like your other friends, or members of your family? You going to stop seeing them as well?

The issue isn't your friend inviting your exp to social events. Your main problem is your controlling partner.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:21:10

Oh my good God OP.

Of course you have a choice!! What's more, so does your friend!

If you want to date King Dick feel free...but do not inflict his will on your friends.

Yabu. Your partner is b very u.

Your friend is not bu. Wake up!

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:21:10

Worra I have told him I'm not happy about him stopping me seeing ex p but he is very insistent on it, and for the easy life I have agreed not to see him.

So it's your problem...not your friend's and not your ex's.

You may be fine playing the downtrodden girlfriend but don't be annoyed with your friend because she's not taking that kind of bullshit.

Really the problem is not of her making.

And a word to the wise, if he's got you dancing to his tune over your ex...how long until he finds a reason for you to stop socialising with your friend too?

Then your other friends and your family etc....

Eeebygum Wed 02-Jan-13 00:21:44

Personally, I would be having strong words with your DP if it was me. I went on holiday with a friend that my DP don't like, and one of his friends I literally can't stand comes around for drinks every now and then.

If your DP don't like him, fine, that is his choice to stay away from him. He shouldn't be dictating who you see though. He sounds like a control freak!!

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:30

Worra - what upset me is that we had made plans together - then at the last minute she tells me she is inviting ex p knowing that dp will be there. If she had at least told me sooner it would have given me time to make other plans.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:32

'His reasons for not wanting me to see him is thinking that he isn't a nice person, and perhaps insecurity on his part.

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this'

That actually gave me chills.How can you possibly think that's ok?He is controlling you...and already he is causing discord within your friendship (with the female,not the ex)....can you not see that???

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:34

Hmmm I think I might have worked out who you are OP

If I'm right, no amount of advice is going to make you sit up and listen

If I'm wrong (and I hope so) you'd do well to heed the advice already given.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:57

7evendwarves
but you are (on here effectively saying that she should put you first.

If someone did that to you, who would you choose?

It may also be that she invited you both at the same time and has only just realised that your DP is a bit of a loon.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:24:28

Is it really that bad that he is saying I can't see ex p?

I thought it was normal for partners to not like you seeing exs.

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 00:26:26

It doesn't matter if its an exp, brother, mate, dad at the school, woman in the shop.
He shouldn't be controlling who you can and cannot see.
You should have the freedom to choose who you want to see. Obviously as long as your aren't shagging them grin

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:06

OP you aren't planning a one on one date with him, in which case your DP might have a valid objection. You are attending a social event with other friends that your ex is also invited to. Your DP isn't only saying you can't see your ex, but that you can't even be in the same room as him and as a consequence can't see you other friends. That is not normal.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:16

Worra I don't think that is the case, but if you PM me I can tell you if you are right.

Boney - she has known what the status quo is for quite some time.

CaseyShraeger Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:46

Frankly, I think your friend may be worried about your current partner's controlling behaviour and is deliberately bringing matters to a head rather than let you continue to brush it under the carpet.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:51

It's normal for control freaks and people who live on different planets

To the rest of us independent thinking people...it's more than a bit odd.

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:29:08

Is it really that bad that he is saying I can't see ex p?

I thought it was normal for partners to not like you seeing exs.

Yes, it really is that bad, telling someone who they can or cannot see.

CaseyShraeger Wed 02-Jan-13 00:29:38

It's normal not to like you going out for dinner with ex, or meeting up just the two of you for drinks. Objecting that strongly to your setting foot in the same building or occasionally attending the same events is very much not normal.

drcrab Wed 02-Jan-13 00:29:40

But you aren't seeing the ex p. it's a social event where everyone seems to have been invited to so it's not like you've deliberately rang your ex up and said 'shall we meet up?'

It's like having a works do and having people you don't like attending it. You can't stop them from attending; they work there! But you need not chat with them!!

Your p is being unreasonable. As are you, for actually 'obeying' him!

Angelfootprints Wed 02-Jan-13 00:30:07

What are the specific reasons though for your do not liking your ex? Did you ex treat you badly for instance?

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:30:50

It can be normal for partners not to 'like' you seeing ex's,it is not normal for you to be ordered not to,and to be scared enough of disobeying that you start to fall out with other friends over your need to appease him.

Why was it on and off so much over the years?

CelineMcBean Wed 02-Jan-13 00:31:57

On good lord. Is this how adults really behave? Current p needs to get over himself and you need to stop letting him dictate what you can and can't do.

Please tell me you'll all be friends again before school starts next week...

Eeebygum Wed 02-Jan-13 00:33:41

In my experience, it isn't normal at all unless the ex was an abusive twat, which doesn't seem the case in your situation.

I really hope you realise that you do have a choice, and show your partner to the door if he doesn't like it.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:00

It is not normal to expect your partner to forgo any social occasion that their ex might be at, no.
It's controlling.

Equally, it is not normal to expect your friend to appease your boyfriend either.

This situation is not normal. In fact, it is worrying.

ILikeWhisperingToo Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:10

Your friend was slightly tactless, if it was a last minute change of plan.
BUT it pales into insignificance given the deeper issues with your dp.

Suggestion for conversation starter :-
"I was a bit annoyed with my friend changing plans for NYE, not like her, ANYway - it got me thinking, this whole "I don't want you seeing your ex" is a bit daft isn't it? We're pretty secure, respect each other, have trust etc? Well if there are social situations where ex is present, I am no longer going out of my way to avoid him. Its petty, immature and suggests there is a problem where there isn't".

Let his reaction be your guide.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:29

Hilda we have had issues which is why it has been on and off. I guess he can be quite controlling and can have a temper.

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:42

Yes it's bad. Your dp is the problem. Have you wondered why you've been on and off with him? You're wearing blinkers by the sounds of it? Are you scared of being single? I couldn't be with someone this controlling.
My dp spends time with his exdw sometimes, at family events. I also get along well with my exdh and dp. Dp sometimes drinks in a pub where there's an ex of his and I don't always go. She's a nice woman but even if she wasn't I wouldn't care if he sat talking to her all night. I'm not insecure.

You need to think very carefully about this and not put so much blame on your friend. She must feel very torn.

Do you like the exp? Is he really and exdp or a bf?

MalibuStac Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:46

I frequently sit in the company of dps EX P I don't particularly like her due to how she treated DP an DSS but we are adults and at times are in the same place at the same time. It would be ridiculous to tell DP he can't see her or him to say the same about my exP. He's controlling you and you need to see this for yourself.

Your friend is not being unreasonable in fact she's probably trying to get you to see what he's doing. Not everyone will get on in life but no-one can order you to stop seeing others.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:04

thing is tho 7evendwarves why should your ex or your friend miss out because you don't want to "rock the boat"?

If you are truly happy with the status quo (and this thread suggests that you are not) then it is you that will have to miss out.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:44

OP, yes,a lot of boyfriends may not love the idea of their girlfriend hanging out with their ex, but not being able you attend a night out he's on, with your boyfriend there as well is very odd. and frankly you should always have a choice about what you do and who you do it with, even if he doesn't like it, he should love and respect you enough to let you do as you see fit.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:46

So what would he do if you didn't give in? Leave you? Get angry? The first would be preferable tbh. He sounds a git.

noblegiraffe Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:47

Normal not to want you to have intimate dates with your ex, not normal to insist that you are never in the same room as them ever again. Unless they have good reason to be jealous like you cheated on them with ex.

MrsFlibble Wed 02-Jan-13 00:37:47

Most of us probably would be wary about a partner seeing an ex, but in a social setting in a room full of others and your not allowed, cant you see how ridiculous that sounds, does he think your gonna shag your ex in a room full of others.

And your friend can invite who she likes, just because you take the bullshit, doesnt mean she has too.

Your DP is playing the old divide and conquer game on you, and your falling like a good un.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:38:40

Maybe your friend agrees that he is controlling and has a temper OP, and rightly isn't willing to be bullied by him like you are. Why on earth did you get back with him?

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:39:04

Oh I very rarely say LTB...in fact I could probably count it on the fingers of a KitKat

But dump the wanker....he has issues that you've not been able to help resolve in the past so what makes you think it can be done now?

Your friend sounds like a decent, normal woman who doesn't take shit from this muppet.

You'd do well to learn from her.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:39:45

'Hilda we have had issues which is why it has been on and off. I guess he can be quite controlling and can have a temper.

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in.'

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship,get out now.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:40:15

So you are scared of him then?

ComposHat Wed 02-Jan-13 00:40:55

Is it really that bad that he is saying I can't see ex p?

I thought it was normal for partners to not like you seeing exs

Seeing or not seeing your ex-partner is not the real issue here.

What is really disturbing is that he feels that can tell you what to do and you meekly obey. That isn't how adult relationships work and I would run a mile. A big well done to your mate for not being cowed by him and his petty and controlling demands.

For what it is worth, I don't think it is normal for partners to not like you seeing your ex partner. I think my fiancée's ex partner is great and he will be a guest at our wedding this year. Out of interest I asked her what she'd say If I tried to stop her seeing an ex-boyfriend and she responded in the way that any self respecting adult would she'd tell me to 'piss off I'll see who I like'

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:41:47

I find it hard to accept that everyone thinks it is this bad. I do want things to work out with dp, I also want to not be isolated with friends. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Millie I guess it's because I love him.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:42:53

7evendwarves
"Hilda we have had issues which is why it has been on and off. I guess he can be quite controlling and can have a temper.

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in."

I really think you should be thinking about getting out of this relationship, and I don't say that often.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:42:59

Melody I'm not scared of him, but I am worried how he would react if I told him I was going to see ex p.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:43:38

Oh Christ on a bike......I'm going to have to leave this thread.We're all wrong,and he's right???

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:06

Worried as in he'll dump you?

Tell him now...do yourself a favour.

Do you have kids OP?

Angelfootprints Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:07

Has your dp actually stopped you seeing other friends though op? Or is it just the ex?

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:07

So you are scared of him.

MrsFlibble Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:10

Millie I guess it's because I love him.

You think he loves you? It sounds like he just loves the control.

Its like an even shitter version of 50 shades of grey.

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:34

So if you insist of remaining friends, or doing anything else that he disproves of. He nags and nags.. Then what?
You said he has a temper. What does he do?

Alarm bells are ringing. Kick this looser to the kerb.

There are decent blokes out there. Ones that respect you. Ones that are able to live as your own free person, capable of making choices for themselves... Instead of being treated like a child and controlled. Come to think of it, children even get to choose their own mates.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:36

I'm not saying he's right or that I agree with him, just that I don't know how to disagree with him.

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:58

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship,get out now

Absolutely agree.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:45:37

Because you are scared of him. Tell the truth.

MrsFlibble Wed 02-Jan-13 00:46:30

You go away before, do it again, this is not a man who wants to make you happy, isolate you, knock you up, and then your all his.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:46:49

Then you will end up isolated from your friends because of his actions. No one is going to want your DP around if he is sulky and throws a tantrum or tries to dictate who socialises with who. If you don't stand up to him it will become less hassle for your friends to stop inviting you to things as they won't want to put you in a difficult position nor tolerate his demands. I wouldn't be suprised if he is making these demands deliberately as he knows it will substantially reduce your social life.

Eeebygum Wed 02-Jan-13 00:47:31

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? You only get one shot at life, why waste it being with a toxic, controlling man who obviously doesn't respect you and sees you as 'his' to dictate to? You won't be happy, especially when he succeeds in isolating you and getting a much tighter grip on you.

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 00:47:39

You disagree with him by telling him that he doesn't own you.
If he had any respect for you as a person, he would not tell you who you can and cannot be mates with. If he respected you he would let you make your own choices..

ComposHat Wed 02-Jan-13 00:49:05

I'm not saying he's right or that I agree with him, just that I don't know how to disagree with him

From what you've said, this isn't a how do we improve communication and compromise within our relationship type scenario.

You need to leave him. He has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. You need to end this now. There is no need to agree/disagree with this prick once he has ceased to be your partner.

MalibuStac Wed 02-Jan-13 00:51:41

He'll cut you off from friends one by one.

Has he always dictated who you can see? Is this why its been on and off? Are you that afraid he'll leave if 'you don't do what your told?'

I honestly have to say how dare he do this to you. Your definitely in this relationship with good terms.

You say you don't know how to disagree with him. Its quite simple you just say no I'm not going to refuse to see friend just because exp is there. If he loves you so much he won't feel insecure about who your with.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 02-Jan-13 00:53:47

If I was your friend I would be pretty annoyed you had cancelled the day before a dinner party for no good reason when i may have already bought food. Your dp is doing a good job of alienating you from your friend. I wonder who he will work on next.

MalibuStac Wed 02-Jan-13 00:54:31

*good - his (have no idea what happened there.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 00:55:10

After the friends, it'll be the family if your close to them.

WelshMaenad Wed 02-Jan-13 00:56:10

It's really not normal, OP, no.

My husband and kids accompany me to parties thrown by ex/ex inlaws. They'll be coming to his 30th celebrations next month.

Controlling who your girlfriend socialises with is actually anusive behaviour. Get wise to it.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 01:01:56

I'm not going to bother speculating on what he might do in the future.
I think it's better to concentrate soley on what is actually occurring.

He is controlling and the OP doesn't know how to disagree with him. He has a temper. It is now to such an extent that the OP is annoyed that her friend isn't doing her best to appease him too.
If the ex is to be present, the OP would like a chance to change their plans and make sure King Dick is massaged.
His say so is paramount - she tried to say no, but he insisted.
The Op's say so is neither here nor there.

We do not need to speculate about what he may or may not do.

She is scared of him now, and that is more than enough.

The only acceptable level of fear in a relationship is none.
It is already rotten to the core.

FlojoHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 01:03:39

It's not your friend you should be speaking to its your DP. How long have you been with DP?
I understand that DP isn't comfortable being in the same room as your ex and might not be happy about you getting rat arsed with an ex you have been on and off with for a while but he either trusts you or he doesnt, and if he doesn't then why are you with him? And if he does then why the hell is he controlling you?

I recently bumped in to my dates ex in a pub when we were out together, it was a bit weird but they were my insecurities, I wouldn't have dreamed of saying to date, "c'mon we are out of here, you aren't staying here with her".

Tell DP that since your friend is good friends with your ex, its impossible to avoid him totally besides you aren't bothered about avoiding him anyway. Leave him to be huffy and if he behaves like a prat LTB

this is not normal behaviour

think if it this way. your friend has a dp, who does not like your dp. her dp then tells her she cannot meet up with you because she's "not allowed" as your dp will be there. <--- how would you feel? what advice would you give her? do you really think this is acceptable bahaviour?

take off the rose tinted glasses and see him for what he really is. it will only get worse. it starts with an ex, then a friend, then other friends, then family... until you are all alone with nowhere to turn while he chips away at your soul piece by piece!

leave him!

'I thought it was normal for partners not to like you seeing exes'. Sorry, OP, in my experience, in a healthy relationship (and assuming that the ex was not abusive), this is not normal.

A few examples, based on my own family... My older sister was in a very serious relationship with her ex, they lived together for years. We are all still close with him, we (including my sister and her fiancee) meet up with him for drinks every time he is home for a visit. We are all going to his wedding later on in the year.

My younger sister - living with her current DP. Again, we all still get on with her ex, her DP is fine with this. Christmas day, both the ex and his Mum phoned her to say Happy Christmas. Her DP did not bat an eyelid.

Me - granted, DP and I have been together a long time, I have only one serious ex from when DP and I separated for a while when I was in my early twenties. We remained friends, and he and DP became very good buddies. A few months back, I was very upset due to a bereavement, had a night when DP had to work, my family and friends were all busy, so I was upset and spending the night alone. DP (unbeknownst to me) rang up this ex, who arrived with a bottle of wine to keep me company and let me cry on his shoulder.

Why are you letting this man control you? Why are afraid to disagree with him? You say you do not want to alienate your friends. Well, unfortunately, this seems to be exactly what he wants.

jessjessjess Wed 02-Jan-13 01:54:55

No OP it's not normal at all. DH is friends with a few of his exes and I think it's a good sign that they still want to know him! I am quite friendly with one of them. I'm still mates with one of my exes and while I am certainly not in touch with my abusive ex we do have some mutual friends. DH wouldn't expect me to cancel if we were invited to the same social event. He just wouldn't. We don't tell each other who we are allowed to see.

There's a reason why everyone on this thread is saying the same thing. It's because it's true.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 01:55:42

Why did you namechange?

EldritchCleavage Wed 02-Jan-13 02:02:13

Sounds as though your DP is very controlling and also, thinks this is a good way of driving a wedge between you and your friend. It's working, too.

Megatron Wed 02-Jan-13 04:03:56

I have never said LTB on here before but you really do need to. This man will ruin your life.

Unfortunately I suspect that you will not and that in a couple of years you will have no one around you except your current P.

Arion Wed 02-Jan-13 04:24:18

Seriously 7, listen to what everyone is saying. You're in AIBU not relationships, and EVERYONE is in agreement. Do you know how rare that is on here?

The only time a DP has any right to say no to you seeing someone is if you've been emotionally or physically unfaithful, and a line is drawn with no more contact agreed.

You are an adult, why should he dictate who you can and can't see? He is not your parent, or your superior, you are supposed to be equal.

SaraBellumHertz Wed 02-Jan-13 06:18:06

I can only echo what everyone else has said: your DP is abusive.

You dated your ex whilst split from your current p, right? I'm going to guess that your ex was a far better, kinder man; more liked by your friends and made you happy but that you dumped him when your now current partner clicked his fingers and agreed to giving the current relationship another chance?

I'd also bet my last fiver that the reason you initially split from your current P was because he was abusive/cheated

CwtchesAndCuddles Wed 02-Jan-13 09:31:10

I was married to a very controlling man, it was subtle to begin with but got worse over the years - eventually I had lost all my friends and avoided my family "because it was easier". I was always walking on eggshells because he would sulk or make my life miserable if things were not as he wanted.

I had a lightbulb momment one day and decided to do what I wanted to, I refused to let him control me. Within a year he met OW and left me - it was the best thing that could have heppened to me!

Please think very carefully about your relationship with this man - he will not change.

HecatePropolos Wed 02-Jan-13 09:37:20

Of course you have a choice.

You have made your choice.

You have chosen to allow your current partner to dictate who you may and may not see.

Your other choice was to say to him no, I will socialise with whoever I choose. I will not avoid people because you say so.

It just remains for you to understand WHY you made this choice. Are you afraid of your current partner? Will he go on and on and on and on at you until you cry? Will he become physical or do you have a bubbling fear in your stomach even though he hasn't (yet) been physical? do you need him to be happy with you all the time (why?)

If the very idea of saying to him that he has no right to tell you who to see and you will be going to this thing makes you afraid or anxious - things are VERY WRONG HERE!

Nanny0gg Wed 02-Jan-13 10:57:29

Until I read the whole thread I did think your friend was 'U' for changing plans at the last minute, I do usually think that's rude.

However, having read the rest, I think you do need to look at this relationship. Why do you think it's okay for your DP to tell you what you can and can't do?
And do you think it stops at just this one thing? What else aren't you 'allowed' to do?

PessaryPam Wed 02-Jan-13 11:26:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 12:47:10

Harsh Pessary, but maybe a point, then asking the friend to pander to him aswell is pushing it.

PessaryPam Wed 02-Jan-13 13:45:44

Maybe tough non indulgent love is needed?

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 14:59:25

The reason I changed my name was because I know how nasty aibu can be, which pessary illustrated perfectly. I have come here to get some perspective, not abuse. I think It's quite clear that no one is 'indulging' me.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 15:13:48

I also wanted to say that I am taking on board what people are saying, I'm just not sure how to act on it atm.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Wed 02-Jan-13 15:16:20

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in.

This is not healthy. Why did you feel you couldn't say no?

Because you're scared he would get angry and lose his temper?
Because you're scared he'd leave?

ComposHat Wed 02-Jan-13 15:20:44

people have given you some advice you don't like. that is a very different thing to being horrible.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 15:37:53

Compos I am referring to one particular person's rather nasty and unhelpful comment. It was not advice. Otherwise I am listening.

I am genuinely rather worried about standing up and saying no to him.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Wed 02-Jan-13 15:39:16

What do you think will happen if you stood up to him?

HecatePropolos Wed 02-Jan-13 15:42:24

What do you fear will happen?

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 15:43:25

He has a bad temper and would probably shout lots, then make me feel guilty for hurting him. As I said I did try to resist him controlling me like this but gave in.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 02-Jan-13 15:51:20

Do you see that you are choosing to please the wrong person? Your friend just wants to have a nice party and invite people she likes. Your Ex-P wants to hang out with his mates. You P is shouting and controlling and making you feel bad. He is the one you choose to please.

Please get rid, this will only get worse.

HecatePropolos Wed 02-Jan-13 15:55:39

And this is the life you want to have? This is the future you want? This is the father you want for your children? You want to be a timid 60 year old cowering in the kitchen from yet another thorough yelling at because you didn't toe the line?
Please consider choosing a different life.
We only get the one. Trust me when I tell you that its a waste of it to tether yourself to someone who doesn't treat you well.

HecatePropolos Wed 02-Jan-13 15:56:55

And he doesn't make you feel anything.
Until you can take responsibility for your choices and your feelingsvyou will continue to feel helpless here.

milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:02:12

I think your friend probably did it on purpose to make a point. She probably doesn't agree with your dh deciding u can't see your ex and was trying to make a point.

Otherwise I think it's quite unfair to dump your ex on you, she should have had you 'approve' it first - that's what friends do.

I think I might have missed something so I'm going to reread the thread, because whilst I don't think it's great for your dh to be not allowing you to see someone, I don't think it's the worst thing In the world especially because its an ex - I certainly wouldn't shout abuse/domestic violence just from this alone - but again I need to reread because I think I've missed something! I don't think I would be too thrilled if dh said he was off to meet his ex, though saying that I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go, but I think that's based on trust more than anything else. (I'm also pretty sure I saw a thread a while ago about a dh meeting up with am ex and everyone screamed I wouldn't allow it - so that's pretty funny ;))

There's also some things I wouldn't bring up with my oh. (Getting a lock on our bedroom door for childminding for example) Not because I think he would be abusive, but because it will more than likely cause am argument and it would make my life easier to just avoid the situation until it becomes an issue.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 16:14:11

Hecate I totally understand what you are saying but he isn't always this bad. Most of the time is pleasant and caring.

Milf I agree friend is trying to make a point probably. Ex was never abusive.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 02-Jan-13 16:23:27

7 they never are. If a person was always horrible, they wouldn't get anyone to be in a relationship with them. By being nice/pleasant/caring most of the time, they get to be horrible some of the time. Don't kid yourself, though. They are abusive 100% of the time. You are policing your behaviour, your friend's behaviour and you haven't even had the argument. That is what happens, you start to do it to yourself.

HecatePropolos Wed 02-Jan-13 16:25:36

I am sure he isn't.

Do you think women would stay in a relationship where the man was always horrible? In the early days? They don't ask you out on a date, take you home and kick you round the kitchen.

They test the water. They start small. They see if you'll change this, let that go, accept this, tolerate that. drip drip drip drip drip.

Of course he is nice.

That's how he gets you to stay when he isn't nice.

But you are with someone for whom you are modifying your behaviour. For whom you are backing down and giving in because you fear their temper.

Tell me.

How much better do you think it will get if you marry and have children and therefore lifelong ties to him?

Do you know that such behaviours escalate the more they feel the woman is 'tied' to them?

You will make your choice. And you will live it.

All I am saying is think carefully about choosing a man whose temper worries you, who tells you who you may and may not see and who you kowtow to in order to please.

dinkystinky Wed 02-Jan-13 16:33:41

OP - its not normal in a healthy relationship to ban your partner from seeing ex-partners. If you have a healthy, trusting relationship, it should matter two hoots if you see your Ex p or not. I agree absolutely with Hecate - look forward one, two, ten years. Do you really want to be that person, who cant make their own choices, voice their own opinions, for fear of what your partner will say or do? Its not right and its not a choice you would wish on your loved ones. Get out and get rid of him - he's no good for you.

Spuddybean Wed 02-Jan-13 16:43:50

I don't think you are being very fair on your ex or your friend. If you have mutual friends then you should accept you will see each other at parties. Otherwise one has to be excluded, and if you are the one who doesn't want to see the other (for whatever reason - although it is YOU who is choosing to do this by agreeing with your partner) then you should excuse yourself, not expect the other poor bloke to not be invited.

This totally boils my piss. I lost loads of friends over this exact thing. ExH and exBF (who got together) didn't want to see me (as it made them feel bad probably) so I was the one who wasn't to invited to birthdays, weddings, christenings etc. I was always invited to a small 1-1 dinner mid week to celebrate while knowing they were all going out on the razzle without me. I just invite everyone and let them be adults and sort it out between them.

SaraBellumHertz Wed 02-Jan-13 17:00:59

Please humor me and tell me why you and your DP originally split? What made you get back together?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 02-Jan-13 17:04:20

Spuddy you would love my BF. She called me and Ex-H up before her and her OH's wedding (who happens to be my Ex-H's BF). She said we were both invited, both in the wedding party and we could suck it up and behave because it was her wedding. My DH wouldn't dream of telling me not to go.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 17:09:46

You've name changed so in all honesty are you only with him because you don't like being alone?

Spuddybean Wed 02-Jan-13 17:13:15

Quite right MrsT! I have had so many apologetic phone calls explaining why i would be invited somewhere but it would be awkward because exH is there and surely i would rather it this way to which i say no actually. Or i love acting disingenuous when i know someones birthday is coming up and ask them outright if they are having a party and they mumble something and i say 'great can't wait...' only for them to put on their sad voice and explain how it's best for everyone if i don't go. I hate that as the reasonable one i am excluded or expected to change plans just because it's easier to put me off than them. I have now distanced myself from them all and i think they find that less confrontational - pathetic really.

Anyway i digress - sorry for the rant OP

MincePiesAddict Wed 02-Jan-13 17:16:25

I don't really get this thread.

OP, it's like you're playing some kind of 'downtrodden partner' buzzword bingo. Can you not read back all that you've written and see that there is a problem with your current partner's attitude? Really?

manicbmc Wed 02-Jan-13 17:23:07

Run like the wind from this controlling and unpleasant man. Any man worth his salt would have no problem and his insecurity is his to deal with.

If he gets angry over this, what else will he get angry over in the future? Alarm bells are well and truly ringing, OP.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 17:36:52

Well, I'm out. I'm assuming if you have posted about him under other names, you know he's a controlling twunt but are either deaf to the advice or are enjoying the attention. Good luck, you'll need it.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 17:49:52

If you're looking for a safe way to get out of this....start by talking to the friend who is brave enough not to put up with his shite.Tell her that you are concerned,tell her about this thread if you want....but start telling people in real life.You have friends who are still there for you,enlist their help.Now.

Stay with him another year and I guarantee you that you will be even more isolated (either from more people being added to his 'banned' list,or from people dropping you for staying in a situation that makes absolutely no sense).Start moving now.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 17:52:59

....and by the way,the 'but I love him' stance is one that most abused partners have uttered at the start of the abuse.It's also the stance that will frustrate anyway who can see this for what it is,an abusive relationship.

Roseformeplease Wed 02-Jan-13 17:58:27

Just spent NY in a huge group of families with at least two of my DH's ex girlfriends. No problem at all. They are now good friends and it all happened years ago. My DH and children visit my ex's parents with me, and my daughter is named after his sister. All are good friends.

Your situation is no normal.

Just been to my ex's wedding with my DH and kids.

I spent Christmas Eve with my other ex and our families. My ex is with my DH's ex so we laugh about it a lot.

Your DP sounds controlling. If I was your friend I'd be pissed off and worried about YOU.

MarthasHarbour Wed 02-Jan-13 18:53:47

This thread has stunned me.. OP please take the time to re-read this thread. You say you have taken the comments on board but I am not so sure.....

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 21:59:36

Martha I have read them all and am listening. It is obviously quite a shock as I wasn't expecting this at all. Right now I'm just taking time to think of what to do next.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 02-Jan-13 22:08:48

What a sad thread - you are allowing yourself to be abused... Why?!

RubyrooUK Wed 02-Jan-13 22:31:50

OP, I don't think anyone is saying your BF has to love your ex. DH and I invited some exes to our wedding as they're genuinely good friends now. But we also have some exes we are just civil to when we see them socially as we still share some friends.

Do I love all DH's exes? No. Some of them are great and some aren't. But I certainly wouldn't let their presence affect my time with friends. And neither would DH.

It is very controlling and jealous to ban another adult from seeing someone. Most people just accept that their partners have dated other people and make the best of it.

Please think carefully about the message you are giving your boyfriend.

"You can decide who I see and don't see."

"I won't see my friends if they don't meet your approval."

"I'm too scared to challenge you over something I disagree with."

None of these are good things.

dawntigga Fri 04-Jan-13 09:45:01

Op, what have you decided to do?

HowDidItWorkOutTiggaxx

Cat98 Fri 04-Jan-13 11:57:16

Why are people being so harsh with the op?
She knows it is a terrible situation now, she needs support and encouragement here. It's not easy, what she has to do.
Op I hope you find the strength to do something about this. Try the relationships board for continued support.

neveronamonday Fri 04-Jan-13 23:45:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyNewHissy Sat 05-Jan-13 00:17:56

This is tough to deal with OP, but it's heartfelt and sincere. please listen to us harpies?

PessaryPam Sat 05-Jan-13 12:38:51

MincePiesAddict I don't really get this thread. OP, it's like you're playing some kind of 'downtrodden partner' buzzword bingo. Can you not read back all that you've written and see that there is a problem with your current partner's attitude? Really?

This is probably another thread I got reported on for making a similar point to you.

ceebie Sat 05-Jan-13 12:47:29

So have you asked your friend why she invited your ex knowing that you would have to cancel? Whether or not she agrees with your decision not to see your ex, she is certainly failing to respect your wishes. It may be for a good reason, but you can only find out by having that chat with her. It doesn't need to be confrontational.

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