To feel jealous. Often. Come kick me up the arse

(74 Posts)
OccasionalCoasterUser Tue 01-Jan-13 20:45:07

Self-pitying monologue alert

DS is 10 months and sometimes I get these days (like today) where I feel really disappointed in myself about how those 10 months have been and insanely jealous that lots of friends are having better experiences:

-Had a birth that while, not out of the ordinary (induction, epidural, forceps, large tear), still makes me feel sad. A lot of my friends have given birth over xmas and all had easy births that they say they enjoyed.

-Didn't manage to bfeed for long. Don't really know the real reason why but the most natural thing in the world (apparently) just didn't work (and that's a whole other thread). Still confused. And sad when I see my friends breastfeeding, every last one of them without a hitch!

-DS sleeps so poorly. Hates napping. Wakes every few hours. Read all the books. Tried everything, every method. Everyone else I know seems to have one of those babies who slept through at 12 weeks. What am I doing wrong?

-DS just seems like such an unhappy, easily upset baby. All he does is cry, cling to me, cry. Struggling terribly with separation anxiety. Won't go to anyone else. Had to cancel the babysitter three times in last few weeks and desperate for just one dinner out with DH. I feel like we have no time to speak these days. Again, no one else I know with babies around the same age seems to have this problem..

-To top it all off, I'm as fat as I was the day I left the hospital with DS. I just can't seem to shift the weight. Sometimes good cheese and bread is all I have left to look forward to at the end of another gruelling day!! My best friend gave birth to her second three months ago and has shifted every fricking ounce without even trying. Gah.

Jealousy is such an unattractive quality, but I'm literally consumed by it right now. I just feel like such a failure and wonder if I've brought this on myself by just being a bit crap. You know if I had a brilliant birth but failed to breastfeed, that would be ok, or vice versa. But I seem to have failed at every hurdle, while barely anyone else I know experienced a single hitch, so I can't help but wonder how much of it I brought on myself??


MammaTJ Tue 01-Jan-13 20:49:01

There will be those along to tell you that everyone can breastfeed. Well, my own experiences tell me that not everyone can!

It is a hort phase, though it seems endless right now. You are doing ok!

Also do remember that people do not always want to admit the truth about their own baby, so you might not be getting to see the whole picture.

You know about every one of your own hard times, but you may not necessarily know about all of theirs.

Reaa Tue 01-Jan-13 20:49:01


Have you failed?

Look again, you have a lovely, healthy 10 month old who loves his Mum.

Seems like you have a lot more than you think.

The people who you think are breezing through it won't be having as easy a time as you think, we all struggle in different ways not all of us admit it though.

rubyslippers Tue 01-Jan-13 20:53:25

you're not jealous

you're tired and have a non sleeping baby

I don't know of any babies that slept through at 12 weeks

i'm still trying to shift baby weight blush

the inference from your post is that you are failing and everyone else is doing it right

sometimes people fib or only tell you half the story smile

sometimes a birth debrief can be useful

IwishyouaMerryChristmas Tue 01-Jan-13 20:54:07

What do you tell your friends about how you are finding being a Mum?

Do you tell them all of what you've posted? I know that I was rarely 100% honest about the tougher bits of becoming a parent.

I'm pretty sure that things in their lives won't be as rosy as you perceive it to be.

Things will get easier as your ds gets older. I found the first year to be very hard with both ds's.

rubyslippers Tue 01-Jan-13 20:54:24

and BTW, 9/10 months is prime separation anxiety time

you aren't doing anything wrong

Reaa Tue 01-Jan-13 20:55:46

You birth was better than my last labour-short version-12 hours labour followed by emerg C section as she had her leg stuck under my rib, I should of been booked in for C section weeks before but Dr somehow over looked the fact DD was breech!

Breast feeding- youngest DD would only latch on too my right breast!

I have realised over the years that people do lie about their own children so try not to compare yourself to others at least you are being honest.

chandellina Tue 01-Jan-13 20:56:05

The first year is so tough. Please don't beat yourself up and please believe it will get better.

Birth is hard, breastfeeding can be hard and lots of babies just don't sleep well. That is all so normal.

My son never slept more than five or six hours until around 11 months. Then he started walking, was eating loads, and suddenly was sleeping through the night. Your son will start doing more and find other things more interesting than clinging to mummy, just be patient.

DozyDuck Tue 01-Jan-13 20:56:25

My baby slept through at 12 weeks don't you know wink

Then from 3 onwards post regression he hasn't slept a fucking wink. 3 years of hourly naps then 12 hour running about.

You're doing fine, they're all different

hokeycakey Tue 01-Jan-13 20:56:43

Someone once told me the grass is always greener because it is fertilised with bullshit....
Everyone feels this way, really don't worry you are doing a great job jealousy really is pointless it will not change anything, you have not failed

KenDoddsDadsDog Tue 01-Jan-13 20:57:25

You haven't failed - you just have had different experiences. And Mams of new babies rarely reveal the truth as you are supposed to find it a breeze. But in reality it's bloody difficult.
Look at the good things - I didn't enjoy my forceps birth but I had more comedy moments to report afterwards like throwing up and wetting myself at the same time grin

Bobyan Tue 01-Jan-13 20:58:09

Your friends enjoyed giving birth?!? Get some new friends grin

EmmaBemma Tue 01-Jan-13 21:00:51

You are not a failure!

Looking back, I realise how much I hated the baby stage with my first child, mainly because I felt so inadequate all the time and just like you, that I was 'failing' at motherhood. And I agree with rubyslippers that people often gloss over the bad stuff. Try not to compare yourself to the other mothers you know, and have faith that things will get better.

Nobody has the perfect experience of raising children but most people are good at pretending everything's brilliant. I'm sure your friends haven't had everything easy. (When I finally told one friend I had PND she was shocked as she said I made it all look so easy. Hah! I'm just a good liar!) You sound like you're doing fine. Be kind to yourself.

StickEmUp Tue 01-Jan-13 21:01:13

I had a friend who said she was laughig all the way through childbirth and didnt know what all the fuss was about ...
I told my mum and she said she must have been lying.
I've never given birth so I don't know but I second the poset who said not everyone tells the truth

OccasionalCoasterUser Tue 01-Jan-13 21:01:54

Thank you lovely people, so kind of you to reply to my little whinge and make me feel better

Been telling DH who had this contribution "don't be jealous honey, our DS has the most teeth of alllll the babies in our NCT group" (that was the best he could come up with?? But God love him, he is so proud of this fact!)

rubyslippers Tue 01-Jan-13 21:01:57

I love that phrase Hokey

rubyslippers Tue 01-Jan-13 21:03:04

oh i did love giving birth!

i didn't love the next 6 months which came after confused

TreadOnTheCracks Tue 01-Jan-13 21:03:06

Remember those mums who had their babies at christmas are still under the affects of those happy hormones that mother nature sends to get you through the first bit - reality will likely bite.

My very clingy baby, would not even go to her dad at one point, has come through it and is lovely at 7 yo.

This too shall pass.

nicefleece Tue 01-Jan-13 21:03:14

No kicking required. Big hug, early night and new (but not radical) haircut required.

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 01-Jan-13 21:03:41

I can totally identify with you on the first three points. I felt and probably do feel robbed of the happiest aspects of parenthood. i am expecting number two and have been going to therapy..its helped enormously. I felt insanely jealous of my sisters easy 8 hr labour (pah!)' her spurting boobs and really easy baby. Then i felt intensely ashamed of my pettiness. Talk talk talk to the people who support you and realise that everybody feels like a failure at some point in the first year, its tough and its normal but nobody ever talks about it (a bit like the labour itself).

MyNameIsLola Tue 01-Jan-13 21:03:52

You shouldn't feel jealous or upset or rubbish. You are doing a wonderful job, your DS is happy and healthy.

I have 3 DCs. The first two ate, slept and were really easy babies 90% of the time. I was so bloody smug.

Then, the third one arrived, he barely slept, feeding was a nightmare, I couldn't BF because of health issues and the guilt and anxiety I felt was bloody awful. Two years later I still haven't lost the baby weight either hmm. But, DS is loads better, he sleeps through the night 99% of the time and although still a bit of a fussy eater it's not too bad. He's happy to stay with grandparents for a few hours now too.

So it does get better. I know when you're in the middle of that rotten stage and you feel exhausted and low on confidence it feels a million years away, but it's not I promise. In the meantime, have an unmumsnetty hug and know you're not alone, we all struggle. And your friends will not be having an easy time forever, trust me, they cause so much trouble when they get older smile

permaquandry Tue 01-Jan-13 21:05:02

Aw luv. You sound like you're feeling pretty down. I totally get all your reasons, you are never fully prepared for what pregnancy, birth and babies may bring.

One thing you should know is that you are not alone, it may seem like you are surrounded by easy births/babies/bfing and weight loss, but the truth is most new mums will be struggling with one or all of the above.

You need to try to focus on some key issues and the rest will fall into place. You need to try to stop dwelling on the birth and bfing disappointment. What's done is done and you can't change it.

Lack of sleep is a major factor which will adjust your outlook. You then need to tackle the sleep and what you say is an unhappy baby. Chances are, the baby is exhausted but finds it difficult to settle (I had one just like that) and is simply over-tired.

You say you've tried all methods, have you ever thought about a sleep clinic? Apparently, they are brilliant.

I think once you fix the sleep, everything else will fall into place. It is very difficult to lose weight when you aren't sleeping. Sounds like your probably stressed too, and so busy with the baby that you are snacking a lot?

Finally, stop beating yourself up, honestly, you sound totally normal to me. My 2nd didn't go through the night til a year old.

Have a brew And some of these thanks.

Viviennemary Tue 01-Jan-13 21:05:12

Nobody's experience of giving birth is the same. I had a fairly easy birth with DD not so great with DS. Can't say I enjoyed either of them! As for breast feeding same thing but other way round DD a difficult feeder and eventually went on to formula. She cried a lot. With DD she woke numerous times in the night. Friend's baby slept straight through 8 till 8. Was expecting the worst second time but DS fed really well. Didn't cry very much. So please stop blaming yourself. You are doing your best for your baby and that's the most anybody can do.

Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 21:05:25

Your ds is 10 months old.

Soon he will be ten years old, and that ten months will be just a blip. And shortly after that he will be 30 with a ten month old of his own, and his ten months will be completely negligible.

And the ten hours of your "birth experience" is already negligible - a blip of time on his (and your) lifeline, so short it isn't worth remembering.

You mustn't waste time with regrets - enjoy the good bits, put the rest out of your mind.

And if you find it hard to do, start keeping a diary. Write down his smiles, the days at the park, the hugs, the little things that you take for granted. Compared to those, the sleepless nights, the clinginess etc is irrelevant.

And as for your weight - wtf, what does that matter? You can be fat and happy you know.

<kicks Occasional up the arse, in a supportive way of course>


Hemlet Tue 01-Jan-13 21:08:05

Another good phrase is to never compare your behind-the-scenes footage to everyone else's highlight reel. It might seem like all is perfect but believe me, it wont be xx

teacher123 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:23

People lie. I have a good friend who constantly posts smug Facebook statuses about everything to do with her baby, but I KNOW she is struggling as much as everyone else does.

RubyrooUK Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:51

Honestly, don't waste time feeling jealous. I don't know anyone who has found everything easy so I suspect you are just using this as a stick to beat yourself with. Or your friends aren't being honest. Or you're only hearing the bits that you feel worst about.

I had the "worst" birth in terms of awful injuries out of everyone I knew. But on the other hand, after three weeks of feeding stress hell, I was able to breastfeed with ease till DS was a toddler.

DS slept in 45 minute cycles and didn't nap for his first year. At age two, he has only slept through maybe four times ever. On the other hand, he's very good natured, imaginative and fun to be with and super cuddly.

We have no family nearby to help out so DH and I have had two dates ever in two years (only one at night) and we were too tired to be romantic. On the other hand, we're pretty happy.

Depending on my mood/time of day/last night/how much time I've spent with DS, you may hear either one of the two versions in each scenario above. All are true but one gives a totally different impression of my child and parenting abilities than the other.

Having a baby is hard. Perhaps your friends really are having it easier at this point in time. But they won't always find that's the case.

So don't compare too much. All the examples you give sound like normal parenting issues to me. I'm sure you're a great mum.

aw, love. you sound so tired! DS 1 was shockingly bad sleeper too, still waking 2-4 times a night at 9 months, looking back I have no idea how we lived through it. you haven't failed at anything, you just need a break, a hug, and.some better or at least more honest friendsgrin
wishing you more rest in 2013 x(I speak as someone whose toddler is watching tv.and.eating crackers just so I can have a break. oh, and I have.the post-baby body of a.teletubby !)

OccasionalCoasterUser Tue 01-Jan-13 21:12:18

Aw, have downed the last of the christmas mint baileys and know what? I love you lot. I'm a serial namechanger (fear of being outed!!) but many of you have been lovely to me before and I'm so bloody grateful. My NY resolution is to (and I HATE this phrase) pay it forward and reply to more posts from other people needing advice, and I shall

DixieD Tue 01-Jan-13 21:18:15

You know what I bet your friends aren't breezing through. From the outside I looked like your friends do. Straightforward quick births (not enjoyable though), breastfed easily, good sleepers, lost most weight quickly, generally content babies. With all of them I fell apart on fairly regular basis. With the first two I remember calling my mother and telling her I couldn't take it anymore. When DH went back to work after DS1 I sat on my bedroom floor and cried, begged him not to go. I remember with both DD and DS1 telling DH we had made a huge mistake, what the hell had we done having a baby? At least with them it was only the first couple of months i was like that. With DS2 I lost it completely. I cried every evening for a year. Tears of pure frustration because it was so difficult and relentless.
You are doing great. It gets better. This too shall pass.

CinnamonCandle Tue 01-Jan-13 21:18:32

I could've written your post but fast forward 13years and DD is fantastic (not all the DCs who were easy babies are, and many of the parents who found the baby stage a breeze are NOT coping so well with the teenage phase!). Don't be jealous and cut yourself some slack. My tip? Take lots of photos of your DS now. I didn't and DD's first year now seems a bit of a blur. Take care.

hackmum Tue 01-Jan-13 21:20:18

All the things you mention (difficult birth, not able to breastfeed, non-sleeping baby, not getting the weight off etc) are all very common, even if it doesn't seem like it from the people around you. I think you must be feeling pretty exhausted and that is enough to make you feel fretful and upset. The difficult birth and lack of bf are all in the past, so you can't do anything about them. There are techniques for helping a baby get to sleep, however, so it is worth finding out what worked for other people and trying those. Once you've got that sorted, you'll be in a much better position to tackle the weight.

The other thing is that parenting is a long game: my difficult baby is now a delightful teenager, whereas I see friends whose babies were perfect now struggling with nightmare teenagers. So there are always ups and downs, and it won't always feel like this, I promise.

NumericalMum Tue 01-Jan-13 21:20:39

They are lying. I promise. Or their second DCs will never sleep. Or they will have awful teenagers grin
Are you ok otherwise? I found life easier after returning to work and getting a bit of me back. I now barely remember those early months despite wanting to run away from it all most days!

Feelingood Tue 01-Jan-13 21:23:15

YOU and only you, grew your little one and got home here safely. That is a big achievement in itself.

I had a section I opted for it it's how I wanted to give birth (more to it) but my point is we all go about this parenting business same similar and v different.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Tue 01-Jan-13 21:24:46

Dp is in hospital, I'm staying with my MIL for an indefinite period of time (turns out only till Saturday hooray!), ds is 6weeks and has cluster fed for 2 days straight apart from over night thank fuck

I popped home last night and bumped into a neighbour this morning. She asked how we were doing. My reply?

"Oh, you know, bit of colic but we're mostly ok"

People lie. In my case because it's easier than talking about how fucked up my life is right now - I just couldn't handle yet another sympathetic grimace and insincere offer of help not a neighbour I get on well with

You gave birth to a healthy child - success.

You have kept that child with a full tum and clean bum - success

You're doing perfectly!

CinnamonCandle Tue 01-Jan-13 21:26:51

As numericalMum says going back to work helped me. I went back when DD was 14 weeks which seems really early by today's standards but was the norm back then, which may not have been a bad thing.

Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 21:32:25

Oh Pidj sad. Sorry you are having a tough time.

And yy to "clean bum and full tum" - that's all that matters for the first five years anway. I'll add to that

"clean bum, full tum, happy mum" - that's all children want.

<apologies to dads, but mum rhymes>

NomNomDePlumPudding Tue 01-Jan-13 21:34:16

i can't advise re birth and bf as i've had different experiences from you, but i can tell you that dd2, who is 13 months, at 10 months was a fucking nightmare sleeper and at 13 months does 8-8 more or less without stirring (this is not some brilliant strategy of mine, i put her in a cot in her own room and coped with a fairly short crying episode one night and that was it, she was just finally ready to do it) - and everything else is better now that we are not atrociously sleep deprived. so be hopeful. 10 months is a tricky age, the dawning consciousness thing upsets them.

Fakebook Tue 01-Jan-13 21:35:40

A lot of my friends have given birth over xmas and all had easy births that they say they enjoyed

Really? Who are these women who enjoyed giving birth?! I think they're talking a load of shit there! I hate this whole loopy la la notion that birthing should be a spiritual experience. You push a human out of your 10cm wide vagina. Nothing spiritual about it and if you need extra help with that, so be it. Don't think you've failed just because your life and your baby's life was saved by medical intervention.

Oh yeah, and if it helps, my DS is 12 months next week and he still HAS NO TEETH. sad

Iggly Tue 01-Jan-13 21:36:37

Could your baby have silent reflux or dairy intolerance? Poor sleep, miserable... Sounds possible.

I recognise the feelings. It's horrible sad

ellee Tue 01-Jan-13 21:47:17

People lie OP, they do!

Personally birth also not the OBEM bloody dream either.

BF'ing a bloody nightmare. Just remember that before formula sometimes babies failed to thrive so feck it. Give the damn bottle and be thankful I say!

Dd didn't even beggin to sleep trhough until 10m and while she is much better, dh still gets up to her fairly regularly.(21m now)

As for the weight, ds is 3.5 and am only back at my normal weight now. Found it completely. Impossible to do all I had to do AND deny myself... Cheese mainly ;)

So, don't despair! And remember people lie!!

tethersjinglebellend Tue 01-Jan-13 21:47:44

It's not you.

Babies are cunts.

RubyrooUK Tue 01-Jan-13 21:48:36

grin Tethers.

People really do put a brave face on things. I am apparently surprisingly honest about the problems I had after DD was born and this in part stems from my believe that covering all of this stuff up doesn't help anyone as no one has any idea of what is actually normal. I had specialist perinatal counselling after DD's birth and first few months and my main memory of the counselling was the counsellor saying "I hear that all the time" and "that is completely normal, lots of women feel like that".

I had a birth much like yours and then didn't heal well. It was like being in a car crash with someone then saying "up you get, here's a newborn to look after". BF didn't work as my body was in some sort of survival mode (I am sure that someone will contradict me on this). I was enormously helped by my GP effectively saying "forget it, it just doesn't matter" and a pediatrician friend having described women turning themselves into wrecks to continue to BF and wanting to just say "give your baby formula, it's fine".

I imagine that friends would have described DD as clingy. At 10 months, when we went to see friends, their DC would be exploring and DD was always on my lap, though happily there. I never saw her as clingy - but more of a "lapbaby" much like a "lapdog". She is still a bit of a "lapbaby" at 2.4 and most friends seem a little envious of the cuddles I get. I would cling to your DS as much as he clings to you.

10 months seems like forever when you are there, but it is actually not long at all. The year from 12-24 months was amazing for me - things really started to slot into place and I love DD more each day. I only started to lose the baby weight after 24 months (and quite a lot of that was related to sickness bugs, rather than effortful weightloss).

If you are comfortable with it then let little bits of reality slip out to people you trust. You'll be amazed by what comes back from them.

Damash12 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:38

I dont think it's jealousy more post natal blues and a massive change to your previous life which you've not yet come to terms with. So, my first dd1 came after (2 miscarriages) spent the whole time pregnant stressing, at 38 weeks pregnant found out he was breach and had a csection birth. Do I feel as though I failed?? do I buggery (a little disappointed) but, however that miracle got out makes me and every other mum a super human/genius in my eyes. Secondly, no one at hospital helped me breast feed, luckily mother in law (midwife)was over from Oz and showed me what to do, and yep had enough milk to feed a small country and do ya know what it was bloody horrible!!!!!!! Not the most natural thing in the world at all, well not for me anyway. I kind of found it a bit weird and was feeding for 40mins every hour and half. Basically couldn't do much else and started to get me down so I lasted 8 weeks. Do I feel like a failure...noooooo. I tried my best it didn't happen and I got a happier baby when switched to formula. Now, nights out, God you need them.. my mum babysat at least once a month and had baby stay there overnight from a few moths old. Me and hubby would go for a meal, stay in and bascially be a couple again for a few hours. Stop cancelling the babysitter and get out or in together. I am adamant you need this time as I now have no nights out with hubby as my mum died of cancer when my son was 2.5 years old and boy do I feel the loss. Back to it being more post natal blues than jealousy I do think that a happy mum = happy baby. Do you maybe think his grislyness (is that a word) is down to him picking up on your vibes???. If this is a possibility then please see the gp or maybe just a bloody good night out will do it. The bottom line is you have a gorgeous 10 month old baby and it's bloody hard work so you need to be kinder to yourself and maybe listen a bit harder to some things your friends are saying as I have friends that initially paint a rosy picture but a few hours/wines in the real story emerges and everyone experiences doubt and difficulties at some point. Hope you feel better soon and happy 2013

RubyrooUK Tue 01-Jan-13 22:00:04

Also just to add to my earlier post,OP that if it took you three years to conceive like me, you feel that you can't complain about anything. (Well, until this wore off after about six to nine months.)

I felt I was so lucky to have DS after fertility treatment that I couldn't winge about anything.

Friends used to say "god your DS is such a bad sleeper - how do you survive?" or "oh dear, he has terrible separation anxiety doesn't he?"....

...and I'd say "oh no, it's all fine! Fine, I tell you, fine! I'm so lucky to have such a gorgeous baby".

Of course I was lucky. I still am. Doesn't mean parenting was all plain sailing and it was a relief when I eased up on myself and realised that I didn't have to be overjoyed at not sleeping or never eating lunch because DS was such hard work. I could be grateful for being a parent and also find it hard.

So now I'm having DS2 to shake things up a bit. grin

Spuddybean Tue 01-Jan-13 22:01:36

Poor you OP. If it's any consolation loads of people feel like you do. I had almost exactly the same thing as you. 7 day on off labour, then 3 days from being induced, pushed for 4 hours, foreceps, tear into rectum, double incontinence, really hard time bfing, only could feed from right side so now have 1 ddcup and 1 a cup. DS now 4 months still only sleeps 3 hours at a time and few 20 min naps.

i put a brave face on it but it's fucking hard.

do you have people to help you?

Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 22:14:43

Oh, yes Ruby.

It took me eleven years to conceive ds2 (ds1 and dd are adopted). And then I had a shite pregnancy and birth, but everyone expected me to enjoy them because I had waited so long.

But I didn't. It was shite. As was ds2's first six months.

He's nice now though (14 years later) grin.

LuluMai Tue 01-Jan-13 22:20:50

I would have been intensely jealous of you had we been friends and my ds younger, simply for the fact that you have a significant other. I raised ds alone from pregnancy and used to be intensely and bitterly jealous of every two parent family. I'm not now but my point is that envy is a wasted emotion as there will always be someone worst off and better off than you, and a lot of it is just down to our own perception of people's lives rather than the reality

wigglesrock Tue 01-Jan-13 22:23:38

If it helps, my sister feels exactly the same grin Her baby is almost 11 months old and she almost imploded in the week before Christmas whilst reading some friends Facebook bits and looking at the photos some of them had posted - all cuddly and Christmassy and baking with little bits of flour on their nose.

I've had three births tbh they all hurt like hell and I didn't enjoy a single minute of them, although the pain of giving birth did give me some relief from the constant vomiting the whole way through each pregnancy. Dd2 was also a dreadful, dreadful sleeper. Some days you've just get through. You're not jealous as much as feckin' knackered. Take care xx

Cathycomehome Tue 01-Jan-13 22:25:10

You're doing fine I bet! I have a 12 year old and a nearly six month old, I'm currently stressing about weaning as I don't know what the feck I'm doing, and yet I have a normally eating pre teen who I got through this stage with! I know it seems bad now, but you'll be ok, honest.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LimeFlower Tue 01-Jan-13 22:43:17

Don't be hard on yourself,you would be amazed how many people struggle behind "easypeasy" mask.You never find out how hard it is until you start talking about it,then it turns out nearly everybody has the problem with something.

No one is able to predict how the labour is going to turn out.I bet every woman would like to have it as easy as possible and not medically managed with some tools being stuck up her private bits.

Dark side of breastfeeding:cracked nipples,mastitis,child not putting weight,colic,cluster feeding and child attached to your boobs sometimes 24/7 (or so it seems).Formula is not the work of the devil and not bf your child doesn't make you a bad mother.

Waking up every few hours is pretty normal,I don't believe that every one of your friends has an angelic baby sleeping through the night.

Separation-do you socialise with your baby?How much is your DH involved?Let him engage with bath/bedtime so your DS sees him as equal to you.Baby changes the dynamics of relationship hell of a lot.

Weight issue-start with small steps.Cut down on high carb snacks (crisps,chocolate),go for a walk with DS as much as you can-fresh air might help your DS to sleep a bit better and you'll get some excersize away from fridge and cupboards

Don't feel like a failure because you're not.And stop comparing yourself-you'll always end up feeling worse to your not so superior friends.

Enjoy your healthy baby and being lucky enough to become a mother-some people aren't so fortunate.

Chin up and try to see the glass half full instead of half empty-it really makes a difference.

Good luck,Happy New Year smile

LimeFlower Tue 01-Jan-13 22:51:12


TheFallenNinja Tue 01-Jan-13 23:54:43

Measuring yourself against others is arguably one of the most pointless exercises you can do.

You are you and as such are in charge of what goes in around you (it may not feel like that on some days) however, that's the deal.

People will always be taller/thinner/richer etc but you are you.

Write a list of things that bother you, cross off the things you don't control and forget about them, then concentrate on what you can control. Pick the easy stuff first and work through it. You'll be surprised how quick you can get through it.

As for others, wish them well but let them worry about themselves.

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:55

Please consider that the sleep issues can effect how you feel. Are there any ways for you to get more unbroken sleep? Can DH help?

Can you write a letter to yourself to help you move forward? You also need to try and treat yourself with the kindness that a friend would show you.

Remember that all parents find something tricky - it's never plain sailing even if they give the impression it is.

Also wanted to add that if baby is clingy, just run with it and give her your time. Stick her in a sling. Try and lighten your own mood and be silly playing with her.

Please don't measure yourself against others. Think about all the things you are doing well and make an achievable plan for things you want to change (weight etc)

3smellysocks Wed 02-Jan-13 00:07:51

I would also second that exercise is fabulous for improving mood etc. Try some Zumba or running?

curiousuze Wed 02-Jan-13 03:43:54

Everyone else in my NCT class seemed to easily pop their baby out of their elasticated fanjo in less than 12 hours with nothing but a tens machine and a mix tape. I needed tens, gas & air, co-codamol, pethidine, an epidural, more gas & air, forceps and an episiotomy - and the whole thing took 52 hours. So you are not alone! At least the drugs were fun? (I adored gas & air!)

jessjessjess Wed 02-Jan-13 04:46:35

I think you have to consider jealousy in terms of two things: how you feel, and what you do about it. If you're naturally inclined towards feeling jealous, or comparing yourself to others, it's not entirely helpful when people say, however well-meaningly, that you shouldn't. Because however pointless it may be, if you're inclined towards doing it then it's very hard to switch it off.

Personally I think it's fine to feel it, recognise it for what it is, acknowledge it and then - this is the key bit - move on from that. Remember that, while you may feel jealous, you never know the whole picture of someone else's life (as someone else so eloquently put with the highlight reel analogy), what their problems are, why they might envy you, or whether they're telling the truth. And even if their babies are impossibly "easy", doesn't mean everything else in their lives is going well.

When it feels things are going badly, you can over-emphasise any perceived failure or problem, while over-exaggerating everything else, because you see what you are looking for. You haven't failed at every hurdle, but sometimes everything can just get overwhelming.

TheFallenNinja's suggestion about the list is spot on.

redexpat Wed 02-Jan-13 07:48:18

I bet they all have really bad piles that they're not telling you about wink

And what everyone else has already said!

katkit1 Wed 02-Jan-13 08:40:11

I would guess that your friends are perhaps not being 100% truthful about how they cope on a day to day basis - I bet they have had bad days too - I wish people would be more open about how hard it can be.

katkit1 Wed 02-Jan-13 08:47:40

tethers - first laugh of the week (thanks)

Mockingcurl Wed 02-Jan-13 09:01:00

When I had just had my third child I felt exactly like you. I was worn out, a crap mother and a complete failure.
Then one morning in the school playground this beautiful woman swanned in with her five year old. She looked divine. She was also very pregnant. Cow!
From then on my friends and I saw her everywhere and I was consumed with a complete sense of failure.
Move forward a year, and I meet beautiful lady in the park with her two little girls. She was sobbing. When I asked her what the matter was. She said that she was a complete failure. Whenever she saw my friends and me at the school gates we all seemed so happy and such good mothers. You could have knocked me down with a feather.
She has been my best friend for the last 18 years and we still laugh about it.

Don't believe what everyone tells you,and what you THINK you see.
You are doing just fine.

wildirishrose Wed 02-Jan-13 09:07:55

Difficult baby, easy teen. I know which one I would prefer xx

autumnmum Wed 02-Jan-13 09:11:40

You sound tired OP - not jealous. I think most people have had the experience you describe, not everbody is very good about being open about it. I had an emergency C-section with my DD (brow presentation nightmare), then I had no milk, she had reflux and was failure to thrive. I remember only too well feeling like a complete failure because not only could I not give birth properly but I couldn't feed my child and she cried all the time. She is now 8 and a delight (well most of the time). When I had my DS by elc, all 5kg of him (breach at 42 weeks) I was dreading the whole bf thing but thought I would try again and amazingly it worked this time and I fed him for 12 months. I think in my case it had a lot to do with a much more straightforward birth. He slept through from 6 weeks until 15 weeks and had I not had my experience with DD I might have been a horrible smug mum. Just as well I wasn't because from 15 weeks to 13 months his sleep was a nightmare!

Hang on in there it does get better and see if you can find some people in RL you can have a good old moan with. I found my kids so much more enjoyable when they began to talk. I guess babies aren't really my thing!

angel1976 Wed 02-Jan-13 09:16:17

OccasionalCoasterUser I feel for you! I don't think jealous is quite the right word... I do often feel envious of women who seem to find parenting a breeze, I struggle with my two and often wonder what I am doing wrong! While we are comparing here...

*Births - While I had very quick births with my two and feel lucky to have that (despite DS1 born using ventouse), I now have a prolapse which the doctors seem unwilling to fix. DS2 is now 3 (prolapse occurred after his birth) and it looks like I have to live with the problem. Given the choice, I would rather have had a prolonged and painful labour but NOT this ongoing health issue that I have to live with for the rest of my life. But I am sure anyone looking from the outside wished they had the quick births I had (DS2 came out in 2-3 pushes and 45 minutes after arriving in hospital!).

*Breastfeeding- Don't even get me started about that. I was told everyone could breastfeed. Both DSs were tongue tied which didn't help but I tried so desperately to BF DS1 for 6 weeks. It was awful, I never felt the let down, my milk was teeny weeny and very watery, I couldn't express either, never got more than an ounce. But I was so determined to do it and everyone told me I HAVE TO BF, that I limped on for 6 weeks and cried bucket loads in the process. The BFing counsellor was so worried about my mental state she practically begged me to give my DS a bottle and actually called my HV to come visit. I eventually bottle-fed DS1 from 6 weeks onwards and he stopped screaming every day. I still feel guilty I 'starved' him for the first 6 weeks of his life. He is now a very healthy and strong almost 5-year-old so obviously no permanent damage there. With DS2, I bottle-fed from day 2 and refuse to be apologetic for it.

*Sleep - Firstly, you need to write off that first year of their lives in terms of sleep. Just assume you won't get any good quality sleep till they are after 1 and when you do, you will be nicely surprised! grin Every mum I know struggle with sleep at one time or the other... Your friends are all liars or they have forgotten what it was like! My two are now almost 5 and 3 and they sleep like logs at night but gosh, they are lively in the day and we often have to do a million things with them in the day to tire them out. They also won't sit still for a minute, are constantly demanding my attention and god, some days I just wish I have 2 nice quiet kids who will sit down and draw for 10 minutes without going 'mummy, mummy' constantly!

I could go on but with both my DSs now almost 5 and 3, I feel myself coming out of a fog and becoming more confident with my parenting. But it took a long, long time. My relationship with my DH took a real battering as well (having two so close together!) and I think we both feel like we are finally emerging from what seemed like a really hard 2-3 years! Don't be too hard on yourself, you are a first-time mum, there is no right or wrong in parenting. As long as you have a healthy, happy child (my DS1 was such a grump, even my ILs were commenting recently how he was such an unhappy birthday! He is now the most social and outgoing and happy child most of the the time, I just think he did not like being a baby...), you are doing okay! Take care.

DewDr0p Wed 02-Jan-13 09:19:33

I remember telling my GP how much better than me everyone else was doing with their babies. He laughed and said "oh yes my wife used to say that too. It wasn't true cause half of those apparently perfect mothers were crying in my surgery..."

OP is there any way you could get some sleep, maybe over the weekend? I used to occasionally hand over to dh for the night, made me feel like a new woman. And rebook that babysitter and no cancelling - your dc will be just fine (not ecstatic perhaps but fine)

FolkElf Wed 02-Jan-13 09:27:51

Hi OCU. I could be one of your friends.

I BF DCs for around 18 months without any real problems - if you don't count crying from the pain of trying to express engorged breasts and watching rivulets of blood fill the bottle along with milk because DD was prem and only took tiny amounts via tube and I made loads.

Both babies slept through, except waking for feeds from a few weeks and then both fell asleep again easily. I've never had a 'sleepless night'. However, I used to be scared of going to check on my son or feed him in the night when he was a baby because I had 'visions' of him being possessed by a demon, opening his red eyes and flying out of the cot at me with his many razor sharp pointy teeth gleaming in the moonlight (I've never told anyone this in RL but have since learned on MN that other people have experienced similar.

I didn't put on any weight during pregnancy, so losing it was never an issue and I've often been told how lucky I am and how it's "so unfair". But I was severely sick during pregnancy, lost weight and nearly a baby as a result.

People complimented me on how I was a 'natural' mother and took to it so well. I've even said on here that's I've never been to an antenatal/NCT class or read a single book on the subject and we've not had any problems so far. But, I didn't bond with either of my children for a good while. Probably about 4 or 5 months with DS and 3 years with DD. I cared for them, I looked after them properly and did everything I should. I showed them emotional warmth but I didn't really feel it. I used to wonder what was wrong with me because I knew that someone could have taken them away from me and I wouldn't have felt anything about it. And I didn't tell anyone either. So no one knew.

You never know what other people are experiencing. When you're tired it's easy to only see the negative but mostly people gloss over the crap and focus on the good because that's how you deal with the crap!!

OccasionalCoasterUser Wed 02-Jan-13 16:03:09

Sorry for not replying sooner, I'm trying yet another sleep solution book at the moment and aiming to stick to it...last resort before sleep clinic I think!!

Your advice is all excellent and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it - thank you, thank you. angel1976 what a lovely thoughtful post, it was really good to read. And FolkElf the visions you mention sound terrifying. Nowhere near on same scale, but I had a half-awake, half-asleep vision once while night feeding DS, that he had turned into one of those scary victorian dolls and it frightened the life out of me. What hormones and sleep deprivation will do to you...

Almostfifty Wed 02-Jan-13 16:48:29

None of my four slept till they were two (eight years, eight!) so don't beat yourself up over it.

Separation anxiety is rife at his age as well, I remember leaving my oldest at around that age, being rung to come home as he was crying and him waking up all night long remembering and having to be cuddled with me feeling like the worst Mum in the world for daring to try to have a couple of hours out.

I failed at breastfeeding the first two as well.

I did shift the weight, but it took a while with the first. By the third I ran around so much it fell off me!

I look back and wonder how we managed, but we did and we now have four grown-up lovely lads. You do get over it, honestly.

You sound shattered, and slightly depressed my dear. It will get better, honestly it will.

People lie. About their babies sleeping/eating/development etc. They embellish.

Look at your baby. He is happy and healthy, and has a lovely (if sleep-deprived) mum who loves him back.

FolkElf Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:03

It was a bit scary, but I told you because I really want you to see that on the surface someone can look like they've got it all sussed. But when they're on their own, they have their own worries and their own problems.

People often lie becuase they don't want to admit they're having difficulties too.

babies are bloody hard work!

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