to think my friends are total shits

(54 Posts)

my mum passed away mid november, although terminally ill it was quite unexpected. since then none of my friends have visited me or asked to meet up ect. i have had three texts one saying friend has been really busy at work, fair enough but plastered all over facebook are night out photos ect. male friend said he would have come round but thinks dp would find it weird him visiting. dp has never before been bothered by him coming round and doesnt do jealous at all. and other friends with dc who we all usually exchange presents over christmas have just totally avoided us too. im aware ive not been the.most fun to be around over christmas but ive been okay. a coffee with a friend and the chance to talk would of been nice. ive even asked to go out ect but just get excuses why its not convenient.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 01-Jan-13 14:06:05

I know people often find it uncomfortable to be around someone who is grieving but your friends don't sound much like friends to me. Have they given you any support at all? I am sorry to hear about your mum.

YouOldTinsellySlag Tue 01-Jan-13 14:06:21

YANBU. They should be seeing more of you not less of you. That's awful and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Calabria Tue 01-Jan-13 14:08:50

I am very sorry for your loss.


missrlr Tue 01-Jan-13 14:08:57

So sorry to hear of your loss.

No you ANBU Shocking behaviour, not friends at all. Ignore the ignorant so and so's.

Hopefully you have some proper friends who do speak with you and can support you at this time and beyond.

noteventhebestdrummer Tue 01-Jan-13 14:09:45

Ask them to help you?

i havent seen a single one of my friends since the start of november when we found out what was.happening. i had one friend coming round but she wanted to come the night i came out of hospital but i wasnt up to it. it was the day after the funeral. nothing since, i feel really pathetic being upset about it but i have seen them all through some horrible things and i feel totally let down

TheMonster Tue 01-Jan-13 14:13:25

Sadly, people don't know how to help or react to people who are grieving. When my sister died in 2004 my friends all vanished.

have asked, male friend says dp wont like him coming round. which is crap. his dp quite posessive and doesnt like him visiting friends without her. i am friends with both of them. rest of friends just say oh yes will let you know when free then never bother,excuse for over christmas was well we didnt think you would feel like it so didnt ask

sorry to hear that eeyore, i never thought about it before but it seems to be true

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Tue 01-Jan-13 14:16:30

It is sad when people just ignore those with a recent family bereavement. When my stepdad died, people would cross the street when they saw my mum coming. Some don't know what to say or how you may react when asked how you are doing. Not fair on you though. Sorry for your loss.

YANBU, I'm sorry your friends are being awful, could you arrange coffee out with them all, tell them what you think and see where it goes from there?

Paiviaso Tue 01-Jan-13 14:18:16

I also was going to say a lot of people aren't really sure how to help someone who's had a loss, but if you've specifically asked them to spend time with you and they are avoiding it, then they are indeed being very shit.

NewYearsEvelyn Tue 01-Jan-13 14:21:52

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know this is a difficult time and your feelings are perfectly natural. I am a rubbish friend in some ways so always wonder if these threads are about me. (I confess I can be a little neurotic too). I read them with my heart in my mouth, in case I've forgotten something or caused offence without realising how. It's easily done as we, as a species, tend to be self absorbed and insular. Being thoughtful of others takes time and effort and when families are young, we are sometimes not as good at this as we should be.

Having said all of that, I like to think I would be around for a friend who had suffered a loss. It's not always easy, but I would at the very least have been in contact a few times and would have offered a shoulder.

You have to assess how good these friends are. Would they be there if you asked them for help? Have they been helpful to you in the past? Is your relationship with them equal to some degree? I know we don't do things for friends to get things back but we can feel very aggrieved if we are giving and giving and getting little or nothing back in return. Also, are their lives complex at the moment? There may be things going off for them too.

If, on balance, your friends aren't a positive factor in your life, maybe you need to look at making some new friends... Take care of yourself and I hope you get your strength back soon.

from reading your post i wonder if there is a point in me getting in touch to be honest. bar one couple all my friends are childless, work normal hours and live within 5 to 15 minutes of me. i havent necessarily asked for help more some company especially when dp on nights to stop me going over and over things. i love my friends very much but they are all mid 20s, have never lost a parent and dont know what its like i guess.

nearly2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:35:27

Sorry to hear of your loss, and yes your friends are shits. My dad died when I was just turned 17 and my friends were tw*ts too. Not one was there for me and I had been there for them for other things. Years later one said she felt guilty she wasnt there but still. In fact I dont bother with any of them now but thats another story.

sorry to hear you went through the same thing nearly i wondered if i was being oversensitive because of how naff i feel

nearly2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:42:40

No definetly not, thats not being a real friend if you want to just have fun and forget things like that. This is my opinion so I'm sure not everyone will agree with me but I would feel like you do.

JuliaScurr Tue 01-Jan-13 14:47:32

lots of people are uncomfortable around grief and bereavement. that doesn't help the bereaved, but at least you know it's nothing personal
hope they pull themselves out of it soon

i dont see it happening to be honest, its a shame we have been friends since first year of high school but i feel like theres no point in trying if they care that little about how im doing

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Tue 01-Jan-13 14:57:06

Went through the exact same thing when my dad passed away 2 yrs ago. Tbh it left me feeling like I didn't have any friends, well not true, good friends anyway.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

i am. and for the most part im doing okay but dreading the inquest. i am managing though and going about things. dp and children and family being brill i just miss my friends i guess

EarlyInTheMorning Tue 01-Jan-13 15:14:11

I'm sorry you've lost your mum. You need your friends now more than ever. I don't know what's wrong with people sometimes...

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 15:15:42

They sound twattish, OP. I know a lot of people are not comfortable with grief, but I don't think that excuses ignoring a friend.

ProPerformer Tue 01-Jan-13 15:25:21

OP that sounds awful for you.
I've never lost a parent so don't have a clue what you're going through, but if you live anywhere near me I'd take you for a coffee or summin - I'm sure your friends are not deliberately leaving you alone, they probably just don't know what to do. Sucks for you though.

everlong Tue 01-Jan-13 15:29:51

I'm sorry about your mum OP.
I'm sorry too about your friends. This is a common thing. When you need someone the most they disappear. I've wondered about why they do it for a long time.

I think some people just can't give what they think is expected. When in reality a bereaved expects nothing but a hug, a text or phone call.

everlong Tue 01-Jan-13 15:30:37

Sorry that should say bereaved person

simplesusan Tue 01-Jan-13 15:34:37

This is an awful situation for you op.

I am sure your friends are not deliberately trying to hurt you.

Why my best friend's dad died, I took her out, it was my dd's birthday but I still thought of my friend and picked her up on the way to dropping off dd and her friends.

Could you send a text asking friends to call round for a chat. Sorry as you shouldn't have to do that.

lurkerspeaks Tue 01-Jan-13 15:38:10

My mother may or may not be dying. I was considering starting a similar thread but it is my family, in particular my Mum's family, being useless. No one seems to think this may be hard for my Dad, siblings and I or is offering us any support.

We are all falling to pieces and really struggling as we are also trying to support a number of elderly relatives (the family in question are not helping at all despite them being shared relations).

I'm sorry you are going through this - do they not know what to do / say. If so do you think if you asked them to come round to talk they would? I don't really have any answers though.

Un-mumsnetty hug coming your way.

I do think they dont know what to say, but i cant help them there. There is nothing they can say to make it better. Sorry to hear you are feeling the same way lurker its awful, maybe you could sit family down and tell them what needs doing ect it may be bolshy and forward but thats what we did or nothing would get done. I have spoken to friends about coming round and they all just seem too busy or to make a rubbish excuse. Male friend who says he wont come round as dp would find it odd is an awful excuse as he always comes round when we are both in or when i am for a chat and a catch up just think they feel too awkward so are savign themselves being in the situation of not knowing what to say but its leaving me wondering why ive bothered all these years.

FlimFlamMerrilyOnHigh Tue 01-Jan-13 15:56:01

I'm sorry you lost your mum, OP. I lost mine two years ago. It hurts like hell. I send you a virtual hug.

Yes that's very shitty of them not to be there for you, and anyone would be upset and angry about that. Sadly, as others have said, it seems that many people are completely clueless when it comes to bereavement. I think our culture is pretty poor at dealing with death and dying. And there are lots of possible reasons why they're not getting in touch with you.
They're worried they'll say the wrong thing and upset you.
They feel guilty wanting to enjoy the festive season when you're grieving.
Talking and thinking about your mum dying forces them to confront the fact that their own parents are going to die one day, and they would rather not face this.
They want to be able to make things better, and knowing that they can't fix your grief makes them feel helpless, and they're not comfortable with this feeling (especially men).

I don't know what you can do, except to get in touch with them yourself now Christmas and New Year is over, and ask them over for a cuppa. I know it's hard to reach out when you're feeling extremely vulnerable, but they might also be waiting for you to let them know that you're ready to see friends.

Please post in the Bereavement topic too any time you feel like talking.

I have literally lived on the bereavement topic this last few months they are fab smile I hope i feel more like bothering soon but the general lack of caring has made me really cautious to bother trying. which is sad but true.

FlimFlamMerrilyOnHigh Tue 01-Jan-13 15:57:57

x-post with you OP, I see you've already spoken to them about coming round. If they keep making excuses then I guess they're not the friends you thought they were. That is very very hurtful.

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:00:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think the problem is some people make it all about them.

They feel awkward
They don't know how to act
They don't know what's expected
It's just so difficult for them

When in reality if they just pulled their head out of their arse and instead of thinking about them, realised that what matters is they are there for the other person, they'd do a lot better.

Im starting to think so flim
I hate to sound so needy but there is only so much dp can say and he definatly cant distract me with girly coffee or shopping trips. My sister and bros girlfriend are fab and i spend alot of time with them but it would be nice to have my friends back

smile Hectate you always say it like it is, i may print your post and give it to them all

Hecate i cannot read today apparently

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 16:03:30

Good point Hecate

flow4 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:03:54

Sorry to hear about your mum's death, Waiting.

It sounds like you need some new friends. You probably won't feel like going out and meeting people right now, but it might be worth the effort. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try, maybe? If you tell new people that your mum has died recently and you're looking to distract yourself, you will soon tell from their reactions whether they are kind, thoughtful people...

My mum died when I was 19, and just 8 days later I started university in a town 200 miles away from my home. It was hard, and I didn't tell most people about my mum, because I recognised even at that early age that most people shy away from anything to do with death. But I did meet some people I felt I could tell, and soon realised that it really mattered to me to have friends who were kind/caring/strong/brave enough to support each other in difficult times, not just 'fair-weather friends'. Since then, I have found myself drawn naturally to those sorts of people, and I now have a circle of good friends. When my dad died last year (nearly 30 years after my mum) I had lots of loving support, and it was a very different experience.

I am totally daunted by the thought of making new friends. I dont really gel with people my age im mid 20s but act nothing like it. Maybe its a good time to branch out a bit

Sorry to hear all of those with similar experiences to us sad

flow4 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:11:55

"I do think they dont know what to say, but i cant help them there. There is nothing they can say to make it better." << You put your finger right on it here, Waiting.

One of the most difficult things about death is that it confronts people with their own powerlessness. Many people can't deal with the feeling that they is nothing they can do, and no way death can be 'fixed'.

The best people to have around you when you are bereaved are people who don't feel too threatened by being helpless; people who know they don't need to 'fix' anything for you, just hold your hand and listen for a bit.

taypottick Tue 01-Jan-13 16:12:19

I would agree with everything flow4 has said. It sounds like you are mature beyond your years, time to branch out-friends who are a bit older maybe? Take care

DizzyHoneyBee Tue 01-Jan-13 16:15:07

It's awful that they are like that, but sadly it is how people are.

I think you are all right, i dont go in for this new year new me stuff but maybe its time to find some people who share some things in common and a different slant on life.

maddening Tue 01-Jan-13 16:20:50

Yanbu - but at the same time the first 2-3 weeks it is normal to leave a bit of time before contacting a bereaved person except v close friends and family- during this time a lot of people do leave the person a bit of space out of respect (rightly or wrongly) and I imagine once december hit everyone gets caught up in Christmas (are most of your friends parents? ). I bet you have more contact now the festive period is over.

Not that I am excusing your friends - are any particularly close friends? I would expect morr support from a close friend.

flow4 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:24:17

Yes, of course you're daunted by the idea of making new friends. You're human, and you're especially vulnerable at the mo. You'd have to be a robot not to be!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your bereavement will give you a sort of 'special sensitivity' - perhaps it's new empathy. If you can find enough courage to tell people your mum has died, you will know from their reactions whether or not they will make good friends. The ones who shy away will not be supportive in difficult times; the ones who look you in the eye and listen are worth getting to know better. smile

But you don't have to do it now. You can wait until you feel stronger if you want. It's a sort of new 'super power' that will never go away.

Oops, I think I sound a bit new agey and daft - sorry! blush

crescentmoon Tue 01-Jan-13 16:27:29

I'm so sorry OP about your mum passing away, I'd be devastated in your situation even without unsupportive friends. Hope this year will be one of healing for you.

They are all pretty close friends who live in the same area, only 1 of them have children and she has probably been in touch the most. Doesnt sound daft flow sounds like a good way of thinking

after speaking to friends I am actively giving up trying to explain how crap theyve made me feel so will be taking your advice and moving forward, or trying to at least

diddl Sun 06-Jan-13 18:28:18

They don´t have to say anything though-just be there.

I lost my Mum many years ago now-but the first time I saw my best friend after, we both just burst into tears & hugged.

that sounds like a good friendship I either have rubbish friends or emotionally challenged friends

diddl Sun 06-Jan-13 18:49:24


We´ve been friends the best part of 50yrs!

But really there isn´t much anyone can say.

Just listen & sympathise-it´s not that hard to do!

Mid 20s can be very selfish, unfortunately.

I am early 20s I hope I'm not selfish, even if I felt uncomfortable I'd try my best though which is maybe the difference

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