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I don't want Step mum at wedding :(

(79 Posts)
brightonm81 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:14:48

Me and my parner are planning a small family wedding (20 guests of immediate family. The problem arises fromteh fact thatmydad had an affair about 10 years ago with my now step mother. We never got on from the word go, as I couldn't forgive her for what she did to my mum. She was nasty to me and my sisters (malicious letters, phonecalls, empty xmas pressies etc there is a whole lot more...) Despite all this my dad seems to believe there is not a problem?! I didn't speak to my dad for several years as a result, but he has just recently moved to the same town as me

I have wanted to rebuild my our relationship, but still don't like being around his wife as I know she is cunning, deceitful and can't be trusted. She is very nice to my face, and I am polite back, as I am trying to be civil as I enjoy seeing my dad again - just not her. My dad never speaks to me without her being there and I honestly feel hurt that he won't spend time alone with me to rebuild our relationship.

My mum is obviously still very upset with the circumstances and both me and my sister feel like we are betraying her by having contact with dad.This is compounded by out gran making remarks anytime we have contact with dad. My other two sisters seem to have forgiven all and pander to my step mother. They admit they are nice to her to prevent her from causing trouble for them.

She tried to accuse my dog of biting my sister when she was young in an attempt to get it put to sleep as she knew I was very attached - I used this dog to help me get over the hurt of my dad telling me " i'll always chose her, before dumping me on a train back to my mum." And she even waited until my 16th birthday meal to announce that my other dog had died (2 weeks previously, but yet she saved it for my birthday to tell me the bad news!) My little sister has had a baby and she even tried phoning Social Services on her for no reason at all (honestly) during her first month of being a mother ( anon,but we knew it was her due to previous dealings!) She is very good at playing the innocentand I really cant stand it,but I with the risk of sounding immature, I don't want to let her 'win' and have mestop contact with mydad again.

Anyhoo, to cut a long story short my partner doesnt want my stepmum at wedding as he sees how much she upsets me and even he has tried to get on with her but can't as he doesn't trust her! I don't want to spend our wedding day in such an intimate setting worrying aboutstep mum behaving or mymum being uncomfortable and I dont want any fights. I know people say that surely for one day they can grow up and get on - but in reality there is a lot of hurt and hate which when mixed with booze could be uncomfortable.

I don't know wether to simply not invite my dad and his wife and jst have a meal for them to celebrate, OR JUST INVITE MY DAD AND RISK HER MALICIOUS ACTS as a result. Ironically I really dont want to hurt my dads feelings,but getting frustrated as no one in my family seems to be acknowledging how I feel.

Do I invite or not, that is the question (dilema)...

Bogeyface Netherlands Tue 01-Jan-13 02:22:21

Invite your dad and not her.

Let all your wedding suppliers know that they may receive malicious calls cancelling your bookings and that they are to call you at the number you have given them to confirm it before actually cancelling. Tell them that if they dont do this then you will not be paying any cancellation fees. As someone who has worked in the wedding industry I can tell you that this is more common than you would think. An ex of a client of mine once cancelled her venue, catering, band, and dress order, it does happen.

Whatever she does will just show her up as the person she is, and hopefully one day your dad will see it too.

Bogeyface Netherlands Tue 01-Jan-13 02:23:31

Oh and put it in writing that if they dont confirm with you any cancellations then you will be taking them to court for the cost of the replacement orders, that usually focuses them!

MerryChristMoose Tue 01-Jan-13 02:23:59

No. It's your day and your partner's. If you don't want her there then don't invite her!

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 01-Jan-13 02:24:17

I think I would invite her. But only if you really want your dad to be present.

It's obviously a horrible situation to be in. If you want your Dad to attend then you have to invite her really (it's not likely he'd attend without her). If you think the day itself would be better without them,invite neither.

It is your wedding day. It's what will make you happy that matters. If doesn't seem as though you Dad has made the effort to deserve to be a part of your wedding.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 01-Jan-13 02:24:50

*it not if

SantasENormaSnob Tue 01-Jan-13 02:47:42

I wouldn't invite her.

And I wouldn't be that arsed whether my dad was there or not tbh.

chewingguminmyhair Tue 01-Jan-13 02:53:10

So don't invite her. End.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Tue 01-Jan-13 02:53:57

I'm a great believer in not engaging with or indulging toxic people in any way (including for the 'sake of others'), it gives them power over you. She sounds like a very malicious woman, don't give her the opportunity to ruin your big day. Invite your dad without her, if he has a problem with that, tough. He chooses to spend his life with such a toxic individual, he's not entitled to inflict her on everyone else.

If she causes any trouble, complain to him and if he doesn't stop it, disinvite him, any upset on his part will be his own fault. If necessary make a complaint to the police for harassment if she does anything illegal.

If your father truly wants a relationship with you then he won't tolerate his venomous wife abusing you. If he doesn't care enough, then he's not worth it, leave him be. You can't make people what you want them to be, take or leave them for what they are.

chewingguminmyhair Tue 01-Jan-13 02:54:37

"Oh but I have to invite her..."

Well, then invite her then.

Sorry to jump ahead a few posts. Just looking into my crystal ball.

MrsFlibble Tue 01-Jan-13 02:56:21

I wouldnt want my dad anywhere near me, if he thinks a cunning, deceitful, backstabbing bitch is more important than his kids, he made his choice, he should have to live with it.

i'm with some of the others - wouldn't invite him or her

your dad allowed alot of these things to happen ie announcing the death of a dog that had died 2 weeks previous. how did he explain that??

MrsFlibble Tue 01-Jan-13 03:03:15

your dad allowed alot of these things to happen ie announcing the death of a dog that had died 2 weeks previous. how did he explain that??

And on your birthday too, thats just cruel from both of them.

CooEeeEldridge Tue 01-Jan-13 03:26:17

Either you want to rebuild things or you don't.

I'd wouldn't invite either, it should be your mums day - she is the one solid person In your life.

Why should you & she be uncomfortable on your special day?

He'll always choose her, remember?

holidaysarenice Tue 01-Jan-13 04:11:26

My friend has a similar situation, she didn't invite her to chruch or reception but did invite her to the evening party. She kicked up about it but it didn't get her anywhere.

My friend explained it as respecting both parents, used phrases like, I'm sure you understand the difficult position etc. No bad feeling etx

I wud suggest talking to ur dad, say how much it means to have him walk you down the aisle, he'll be gushing about it.

curiousuze Tue 01-Jan-13 05:05:56

Invite neither of them.

Astelia Tue 01-Jan-13 05:46:27

A few questions come to mind-do you want your father to walk you down the aisle? Have you got someone else you are close to who can do the job? If you ask your dad to come will he refuse to come without his wife and if so does that matter to you?

I think your dad has been as much at fault over all the nasty behaviour as your SM. If you have someone else who you would like to walk you down the aisle then I think I would ask them and I wouldn't invite either your dad or SM.

However if you want to build bridges this could be an opportunity- it depends how you want the future to pan out.

ChasedByBees Tue 01-Jan-13 05:53:09

I would invite neither. Usually I would say be kind to a SM but this woman is so malicious and manipulative, I couldn't invite her. I think if you invite just your dad you leave yourself open to the type of retaliation that bogeyface describes (and she has excellent advice BTW). I think also she would hold a grudge and play a long game and potentially try and punish you for this for years.

Don't let your relationship with your dad (or not) be about her winning. It's about you and him alone and he doesn't sound blameless. If he wouldn't meet me on his own, that would be it for me.

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 06:21:20

I had the same problem.

I talked to my dad about it because I didn't want to invite him only and have her turn up anyway and run the risk of embarrassment with the table plans etc.

(Long back story, she's absolutely vile to me).

Dad was a bit angry and I was prepared to accept that he wouldn't come either but in the end it worked out ok and she didn't come but he did. It was fine.

I think you need to speak to your dad about it and explain she isn't invited otherwise you could have her turn up anyway thinking the invite was meant for her too and you just omitted her name.

Mosman Tue 01-Jan-13 06:38:49

My arseholes of parents still managed to ruin my wedding day despite having been divorced 20 years. If this is still relatively raw as you're relationship with your day, not the divorce itself and the silly games are continuing I would go and get married abroad, take your mum, sister and offer to pay for your dad.
It'll be a) cheaper b) more of an event, wedding days fly by very quickly, so much expense and planning and it'll be over before you know it and then there's that flat feeling. c) abroad it's all about who you want there not who you feel you should invite or people making up the numbers on the dance floor.

TheSloppelganger Tue 01-Jan-13 06:45:32

I think having a small wedding will work in your favour here.

If you were having 100+ guests you'd have a bit of a job trying to explain to your dad why she couldn't be one of them without coming down to the real reason - she is toxic and you (understandably) don't like her and don't want her there.

But if you've only got 20 or so people coming (especially if most of them are close to your mum?) then you might be able to talk to your dad and explain that although you respect that SM is his choice of wife and that he loves her, that it would really be quite awkward to have her there in such a small crowd of people who all love/respect your mum and resent/dislike SM for what happened.

That the inevitable tension and potential for fall out between step-mum and pretty much everyone else would really spoil your day - and probably wouldn't be nice for SM either. I mean really - who would want to go to a wedding where most of the guests are glaring at you and thinking nasty thoughts?

If your dad isn't a completely self-absorbed fuckwit then he will accept that his daughter having a nice relaxed conflict-free wedding day is more important than his own desire to bring his wife to an occasion where her presence has the potential to cause a good deal of discomfort.

If he can't accept that his daughter's happiness and peace of mind on her wedding day is more important than his need to have his poisonous OW wife there then don't invite him either - he is an arse.

Agree with Bogeyface too, if SM and your dad end up pissed off (and not invited) I would make sure you don't suffer from malicious cancellations.

At the very least have a chat to your venue and make sure they won't cancel your booking without double checking with you - just in case SM is feeling spiteful.

TiggyR Tue 01-Jan-13 07:02:22

Don't invite her then. It is your wedding. The only time you should tolerate anyone there who you hate is if your fiancé wants them there, and I doubt he does.

Jemma1111 Tue 01-Jan-13 07:09:27

I would definitely not invite her and if you want your dad to be there you should make it crystal clear to him that she is not to turn up , and tell him why.
Although he should know why .

I would tell him that you really want him to attend but if he won't come alone then so be it.
If you did invite her she would find a way to upset your day as she sounds a right vindictive bitch .

misterwife Tue 01-Jan-13 07:12:59

I'm with most people here - if your dad won't speak to you without her being there, then it's clear that they come as a pair and that neither of them deserve an invite.

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 07:15:33

Eerrr your Dad is her enabler and he had the affair that is his fault as much as OW. Do not invite either of them they are not good enough for you.

Tryharder Tue 01-Jan-13 07:29:33

I wouldn't invite either of them. Why build bridges with someone who doesn't want to meet you halfway?

dolcelatte Tue 01-Jan-13 07:51:13

I would have a meal for them, as you suggest. Definitely don't just invite your Dad - that is a recipe for disaster. Or get married abroad, as someone else suggested. Either way, I wouldn't divulge any information about venue etc, for the reasons identified above.

You want to achieve two things; first, you want your wedding day to be happy and stress free; secondly, you want to continue your relationship with your father. If you say that you are very sorry and that you would love them to come etc, but it's all a bit awkward because of your mum and you will have a separate celebration with them, then I don't see how they cannot be understanding.

SM sounds like a bit of a nutter and very insecure - such people can be dangerous and it is better not to antagonise them if you can avoid it. You have to accept that your relationship with your dad will never be perfect, but it is better than it was and you don't want to spoil that.

Oh and take them a piece of wedding cake!

CSIJanner Tue 01-Jan-13 08:01:48

It's your day - if she's that toxic, do you really want her there? From what youve said, she isnt at all interested in your happiness, so why involve her in the happiest day of your life? Your wedding, your choice. If the only thing that is holding you back is the fallout afterwards, then cut her out of your life and make it clear to your dad as to why. He's a grown man who made a choice many years ago, and now it's time for him to choose whether to meet you alone and rebuild your relationship. Am sorry petal, but I have a feeling I know which way he will choose... sad

What you need to hold onto is the fact that you'll have your new husband, your mum and sisters and can take a start point from your wedding day to cut out such a person from your life. Why bring the old toxic characters into your newly married life? And ring all your suppliers etc telling them to make a note of what number called etc.

Is it a church wedding? You can always get your brother, uncle or mum to give you away. It seems like your dad has chosen his new wife over his nearest and dearest, so you could argue that he has forfeited that privilege.

Although devils advocate - he could have realised what she was like years ago but as he had the affair and like your sisters, for an easy life, he just puts his head down to prevent trouble. But that doesn't excuse his ignoring the fact that she has behaved badly to you in the past or some of her other actions. Personally for me, I wouldn't invite either of them and concentrate on what I have as it seems like your dad doesn't want to meet you on his own, only with her. However it seems like you do want to have your dad there so tell invite him and let him know she's not invited. If she starts her tricks, then ring him and tell him that his wife's actions are going to ruin his daughters wedding day. If he doesn't get her to stop then he's not going to change am afraid, and at which point, you should think about withdrawing the invite.

stuffthenonsense Tue 01-Jan-13 08:04:07

I get the feeling there is more to this than is being told.
For example, the incident about the dog, you remember it as her deliberately wanting to upset you on your birthday but could it possibly be that she felt if kinder to tell in person rather than by phone, that this is a case of good intentions being skewed by disharmonious relationships? If your dog had died two weeks earlier than you clearly hadn't been to visit your dad for at least two weeks or you'd have known. Perhaps, just perhaps, this was not malicious at all but unfortunate. Could there be alternative motives to any of the things you are saying but your (deserved) anger has altered your vision?
I speak as a stepdaughter who believed her stepmother was treating her husband (my dad) abysmally but when I put aside my hatred and talked to her it was not the case and we worked together and were both best of friends at his death bed. He died with a smile.

It's your wedding though, and you should invite who you want, and be firm.

Narked Tue 01-Jan-13 09:05:42

Did you miss the 'malicious letters ... empty Xmas presents' StuffTheNonsense?

NC78 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:17:55

Don't invite either of them. It's their own fault.

At least if she kicks off about it she will be no where near you or your wedding.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 01-Jan-13 09:17:58

She sounds likes malicious bitch and a bully so no, don't invite her. You need to stand up to her even if it means your spineless fool of a dad is upset (tough)

Don't let her cause you anymore upset - she sounds vile.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 01-Jan-13 09:34:38

I personally would invite either. As a minimum please don't invite her it could sp

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 01-Jan-13 09:35:47

(sorry posted too soon) spoil your special day- even if she doesn't cause Upset on the day- you would feel on edge about what she might do

TinkerMcJingles Tue 01-Jan-13 09:51:21

If you invite her then IMO you are disrespecting your mother. To me, that would make my decision easier. So what if your dad can't come. From what I have heard, just the fact that he enables your step-mother's behaviour makes him jointly responsible for it.

KittyFane1 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:57:45

There are always two sides to a story. We never got on from the word go, as I couldn't forgive her for what she did to my mum. says a lot.
Your father left your Mum. He is the one who betrayed her unless this woman was your Mum's friend. It's possible that she didn't stand a chance from the word go and your toxic relationship may be built on you and your family blaming her for the fact that your father was disloyal and a cheat. If she's always been disliked, she may be the type to become spiteful in return.
As it stands, don't invite them. Your relationship with them isn't good enough to play happy families.

rainbow2000 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:02:28

Dont invite them as your Dad says he will always choose her so let him have her.You choose your dp and other family members.
I would tell no one the venue or anything until closer to the time incase sm finds out and stuff gets cancelled.
Hope out enjoy your day op.

Shelby2010 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:05:28

Your parents split up when you were a child, at that time it was your father's responsibility to minimise the effect this had on you. Even though we don't have his side of the story it sounds like he abandoned you emotionally during that time & enabled the behaviour of his wife. For example, why did he leave it to her to inform you of your dogs death?

If he was now making sincere efforts to rebuild your relationship then I would consider inviting him (alone) to the wedding. However, if he won't even see you on your own then how can you rebuild the lost trust? Don't invite either of them, your day will be much more comfortable without the stress. If you don't have a close male relative, ask your mum to walk you down the aisle, or maybe your FIL-to-be if you have a good relationship.

Not sure about the best way to inform you Dad about this, other than to make sure your sisters don't tell him first. But follow other posters advice about protecting your bookings etc

Mockingcurl Tue 01-Jan-13 10:10:43

Years ago I was in almost the identical situation. I just invited my dad and told him why I didn't want step mum there. If he chose not to come then that was up to him.
He came by himself (late mind you) and no more was said about it.
That was 30 years ago. Step mum and I have been civil to each other ever since, but no more.
It's your wedding, do what you want.

lisad123everybodydancenow Tue 01-Jan-13 10:22:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susanann Tue 01-Jan-13 10:42:38

I wouldnt invite either of them and like someone else said why would you want him in your life anyway.He sounds horrible, hes not a father hes a sperm donor!
It will ruin your day more if he/they come (tension etc) than if they dont in my opinion.

Cerealqueen Tue 01-Jan-13 10:47:35

There is no way I'd invite somebody who I disliked this much to my wedding, and who will cast a shadow whilst there. Don't invite her. If your dad doesn't like it then tough shit, he made his bed, he can lie on it. How did he think such events would pan out when he chose to shag behind is wife's back and tell his daughters he would choose his new wife over them?

YANBU, have a lovely day.

LeeCoakley Tue 01-Jan-13 10:53:45

I would just explain to both of them why they are not welcome, they both sound horrid. As for having someone to 'give away' the op - yikes! This is the 21st century, no one has to be given away like a possession. The op can walk down the aisle on her own, or with whoever she wants to accompany her. I'm sure she wasn't even considering her father for that purpose anyway, he gave her away a long time ago by the sound of it. I really hope op, that you can get this problem out of the way soon and enjoy the run up to your big day and just be surrounded by the people you love.

ledkr Spain Tue 01-Jan-13 10:55:09

It's different when the step parent has been the partial cause of your parents marriage break up.
My ds's refuse to speak to my xh partner as they remember the hurt that their affair and subsequent behaviour caused us all. They sat with me whilst I cried with total shock and helped raise their baby sister who he left me with. They haven't got married yet but do not invite her to other events but do invite their dad who does come.
Dd gets on very well with ow though because she never saw any if the fall out.
I think if it will ruin your day then just don't ask her. She isn't close family is she?

jamdonut Tue 01-Jan-13 11:14:50

My personal feeling is you shouldn't invite either, and when aked why tell them the truth. Don't feel guilty. Seems like you don't want to blame your Dad, but it was his choice to leave all those years ago.

And agree with posters who suggest you tell caterers and venue etc about possibility of malicious cancellings.

TidyDancer England Tue 01-Jan-13 11:15:50

There is a similar situation in my family. A relative was abused (physically and emotionally) by her stepmother and her father did nothing to stop it. Horrific situation. Relative's moron of a brother keeps trying to put them in a room together despite being told of what went on (some of it he would've seen). Relative won't have the abuser at her wedding, idiot brother is taking stepmother's side. Why is anyone's guess. Their father is taking the stance of "it's both of us or neither of us", backed up by idiot brother. This has put the bride in the difficult and upsetting position of likely not having her father to give her away.

Mayisout Tue 01-Jan-13 11:26:22

You can't forgive the Ow for what she did to your mum but really, what your DF did to your mum was much worse, surely, he was her husband, ow was a stranger.
You say your mum is 'obviously still upset with the circumstances' but the affair was 10 years ago. That's a long time.
SM sounds truly horrible but because your DF is willing to accept it there is little you can do about it.
If you can afford to go for some counselling about these past events it might help you accept the situation and concentrate on your own life and your own family. You sound as if you feel a responsibility for keeping everyone happy but that isn't your job.
It's difficult to see what to do for the best with regard to the wedding. Perhaps an honest talk with your DF by phone where you say you really want him to give you away but don't want SM there and see what he says then take it from there.

elizaregina Tue 01-Jan-13 11:31:44

First of all you have my full commiserations - so horrid when planning something so wonderful to be cherished as a wedding that there are people and elements whom bring the whole thing down.

We had a small wedding too - and agnoised over inviting in laws, as wedding was so small and there was no chance of them being " diluted" in a larger party we agreed to invite them to the church only. They didnt get back to us for ages and ages - it was cloud yet again from them and as i came up to the church door - the first face i saw was my sils whom i dislike. The video of the wedding seems to be turned on them - twitching thru the service not paying attention.

In short - dont do it - I wouldnt invite your dad either.

Xmas, weddings - all the same emotionally charged things - you think the world will collapse if so and so isnt invited.

But you only have one shot at a wedding day - and inviting people with a precedence of bad behaviour will make you anxious - even if they are ok on the day. In a small wedding i would say definalty take the bull by the horns and say no to either of them.

You have one chance - you dont want to ruin it or the build up worrying....and indeed put the big day at risk itself.

elizaregina Tue 01-Jan-13 11:32:56

fwiw i do know of a few weddings where certain parties werent invited and everyone survived - including excluded ones ...

We had this issue too, we invited DH dad but not his stepmum, initially it was all ok then DH dad sent us a message that SM was so upset that he couldn't come either. If he couldn't grow a set and see his only son married then so be it and they haven't spoken since. Stepmum was also the other woman and DM inlaws ex best friend. We still very much enjoyed our day he was the one that missed out.

aamia Tue 01-Jan-13 12:10:41

I would not invite either of them,nor would I tell them the correct date and venue. she will find a way to spoil your day.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Tue 01-Jan-13 12:23:03

I don't even think you need to explain yourself. Don't invite her, even a very stupid person would have to understand why you don't want her there. If your dad refuses to come then I guess you'll have to ask yourself if that's such a great loss?

Longdistance Tue 01-Jan-13 12:25:38

Get your mum to walk you down the aisle.

It's obvious she's the one that's done the hard work.

Invite him, but not her, and if he doesn't come.......meh.....he's made his choices.

Case closed.

SirBoobAlot Tue 01-Jan-13 12:29:07

She sounds vile, and frankly he sounds as bad. Seriously - why on earth do you want to reform a relationship with this man? Whilst it is easy to see her as the evil one, she didn't do it alone. Just because you are related to him does not mean you need him in your life, you've done perfectly well until now without him.

Don't invite either of them.

brightonm81 Tue 01-Jan-13 12:47:59

Thank you for all your posts, they really have helped! I would feel awful if I ruined out special day for my other half, his family and my mum by inviting my step mother. My dad will jsut have to understand it's a sacrifice that has to be made. Thinking back they didn't actually invite meto their wedding, just my sisters. This isn't a witch hunt or me trying to get revenge - I actually hate conflict and don't handle it well which normally results in me backing down and letting the other person get their own waysmile

If mydad and step mum don't take the news well then we might just go abroad and take the decision out of everyones hands... Save some pennies too!

Nomatter what I decide I will DEFINATELY take precautions to prevent her from cancelling my bookings (she "forgot" to order a bridesmaids car at my sisters wedding, which upset my sister as we all had to get into a taxi in our finery!)

Blood is thicker than water but sometimes I prefer water smilexx

BacardiNCoke Tue 01-Jan-13 13:02:06

I didn't invite my mum's partner to my very small wedding. There was only 10 of us there. my mum left my dad for him, and although my dad would have been nothing but civil to my mum's partner, I thought it would be disrespectful to my dad (who was also paying for everything) to have him there. My mum decided to come to the civil ceremony, but not to the meal we were having afterwards. I was very hurt but it was her choice.

jellybeans Tue 01-Jan-13 13:08:06

I wouldn't invite them. Not worth it. He sounds very unlikely to attend on his own and she could cause chaos if she knows the wedding plans. Either way you could have grief over it.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:09:05

"Blood is thicker than water but sometimes I prefer water"

Blood IS thicker than water, it takes longer to clear up. wink

DON'T let this woman near your new family and if that means your dad votes with his dick again, so be it. He is NO loss.

They didn't invite you to their wedding, so you have the precedent. We're keeping it small, I didn't attend your wedding, so there is no need to attend mine. the reason they do all this to you is precisely because you back down. Enough! You have a Mumsnet Reputation to uphold now! You have a family to fight for!

Otherwise, yes, tell ALL suppliers NOT to take ANY instructions that are not backed up IN WRITING by you and you alone.

I would elope if I were you, have a small do for your proper family when you get back.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:10:01

Oh yes and if your Dad says anything, has a strop about not coming if Cruella is not invited, all you say is this:

'That is your choice and I respect that.

Over and over, Mumsnet Broken Record Stylee. grin

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 13:11:03

I think you should just invite your Dad but be prepared for him not to come without her.
I also think that if he does decide not to come, you could ask your Mum to give you away instead.

And agree very strongly that you need to have those safety precautions in place for all your wedding arrangements! Perhaps have a code-word with all the suppliers etc. so they know whether or not any instructions are genuine, as well as double checking any cancellations/changes with you personally.

Don't feel forced abroad unless that's something you actually want to do though.

snowshapes Tue 01-Jan-13 13:15:21

I am another who would not invite either of them.

glastocat Tue 01-Jan-13 13:22:53

Don't invite her. I didn't invite my dad to my wedding.

MrsFlibble Tue 01-Jan-13 13:26:26

You should have your mum give you away, since shes always been there, when i get married im almost tempted to let my mum give me away since i know i can rely on her, my dad has been a major let down, he gave my sister away, so hes not missing out.

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Tue 01-Jan-13 13:36:05

As vile as you believe your Step Mum to be your Dad allowed her and still allows her to treat you and your sisters the way she does. He treats you this way also, he did all those things to you as well.

You cannot lay the blame solely at her door, this is the typical female response of blaming the other woman.

They have both behaved appalingly and you either invite both or invite neither.

If you invite just him then you may as well say all is forgiven Dad you can behave however you wish I will never blame you and he will continue to be a weak willed fool and allow his wife to treat you, your sisters and your children however she wishes.

Kalisi Tue 01-Jan-13 13:54:22

Complete no brainer for me. I wouldn't even mention your marriage to either of them. Seems obvious to me that your Dad will either choose her again and not turn up ( therefore giving them the opportunity to snub YOU on YOUR wedding day) or she'll turn up anyway ( even if it's just to drop him off) and create a shadow over the day.
Neither of them deserve a place at your Wedding.

thegreylady Tue 01-Jan-13 14:01:10

Blood is thicker than water but she is none of your blood-she is just a bucket of dirty water-sling her out of your life. Tell your dad he is welcome at your wedding but you can't accommodate her.

manicbmc Tue 01-Jan-13 14:05:35

Yoghurt is also thicker than water. wink

Don't invite either of them. On past form, he's going to bring her anyway. You can always try a heart to heart with him and explain how you feel.

This should be your and your partner's day.

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 14:23:15

Actually, if you can get away with it without upsetting the rest of your siblings, I'd probably not invite your Dad either, depending on how much you want him to be there - but it would also probably ruin your bridge-building exercise with him if you don't. I agree with the posters who say that he's more to blame for the hurt to your mum and you, really, than the SM - he's the one who brought her into your life, after all!

But families are tricky things - and it's not necessarily worth falling out completely with family who you're currently ok with if they're going to have a strop about your Dad not being invited.

If, OTOH, you think there's the slightest risk that she'd just turn up, then don't do it. Make sure neither of them know anything about it.

awaiting2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:26:06

Seems to me like another opportunity to throw shit at you from both your Step Mum and Dad. Please be one step ahead and be the assertive one by not inviting them and by showing them that it is not OK to treat people like shit.

Op first of all congratulations to you.
I empathise with you, I also have a father who had an affair and a wicked step mother, I don't have a relationship with my father anymore after various occasions where he behaved like a knob head (that's a whole other thread!)
When DH and I got married I sent an invitation to my fathers workplace, address just to him, my thinking was that as my wedding was a Friday afternoon he could come from work see me get married and she would never need Know. The week after I sent the invitation I got a card written in my step mothers writing saying that she, my father and step siblings would not be able to attend.
IMO when you get married you do it with the belief that it will be the one and only time you do it, so it should be a wonderful, relaxed and happy occasion involving all the people you love not a day filled with anxiety and worry over others behaviour.
Invite the people you WANT not those you feel you SHOULD and I wish you endless happiness and good luck, enjoy it smile

simplesusan Tue 01-Jan-13 15:28:27

I too would be tempted to go abroad or further afield in the uk with close friends and a few relatives.

I am also wary of blaming "the wicked stepmother". Sorry to hammer hom ethe message but where was your dad when all this evil was taking place?
Why didn't he tell you about your dog?
Why didn't he wrap your Christmas presents?
Why didn't he book the car for his own daughter's wedding?
Why on earth has he left all this for your stepmother to do?

I am not denying that she is not a nice person, who knows but he is your father and harsh as it souds, was the one who left you, not your stepmother.

I doubt whether he has the strength of character to come alone but if you feel you must, invite him but make it clear that only he is invited.
Be prepared for him to come up with an excuse as to why he can't possibly come to his daughter's wedding though.

TBH if it were me I would be happiest for neither your dad or his partner to come.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Tue 01-Jan-13 15:37:43

I don't think it's very likely he will come without her but do think it's for the best. Maybe start out the convo with asking why you weren't invited to there's.

ImaginateMum Tue 01-Jan-13 16:11:14

I think there are evil stepmothers.

I count an evil stepmother as a woman who wants not just the man, but also to shove the men's children out of the picture and is happy to manipulate situations to that end.

I do think their men enable them though.

burntcake Wed 02-Jan-13 07:21:04

ImaginateMum

I really do not understand that though. It's not like they are the other woman. What is there to be jealous about? Is it that they remind him of their DM?

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 02-Jan-13 09:11:23

Please don't buckle op, she sounds totally vile. And she is a bully if your sisters try to keep the peace by letting her behaviour slide.

ImaginateMum Wed 02-Jan-13 18:38:03

burntcake I think some women are jealous of the time, energy, love and money that a man may spend on the children from his former marriage.

pigletmania Wed 02-Jan-13 19:43:36

Don't invite her, she sounds as toxic as hell. If your dad won't come without her, tough. It will show you where you stand

pigletmania Wed 02-Jan-13 19:47:22

I know it's sad biput your father does not sound like much of a father, puts this woman above you and your siblings, quite frankly your best off without this spineless jerk in your life

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