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To feel a bit sad for my DH after comments made about my giving birth to DD4?

(83 Posts)
RubyGrace17 Mon 31-Dec-12 13:02:51

Hi all,

I gave birth to DD4 on Christmas Eve. We, and both families, are thrilled. We didn't find out the sex in advance and would have homestly been happy either way. Our girls are delighted to have a new baby sister and we've been enjoying adjusting to being a family of 6 over Christmas.

However, today DH went into his office to pick up some files and took the girls to get a bit of breakfast, leaving DD4 with me to get some rest. Everyone was full of congratulations, apart from the senior partner, who has just become a dad for the first time to twin boys, in November. One of DH's female colleagues asked if we were "finished" having babies, now we're at 4, to which DH said that we were most likely finished as I'm planning on going back to work in August. The partner piped up "What a shame, you'll never experience being a "true father"" My DH asked what he meant and he claimed that a man only experiences true fatherhood when you are a father to a son.

DH happened to mention this to me in the passing, in a "how ridiculous is this" sort of a way but I feel a bit sad for DH, in my hormonal state! I am I being unreasonable to think this is a shitty thing to say? The partner by the way is 62 and holds rather chauvinistic views about life in general.

Thank you for any replies!
Ruby

shrimponastick Mon 31-Dec-12 13:05:10

Congratulations !

Yanbu. Husbands colleague is a twat.

Enjoy your family.

ddubsgirl Mon 31-Dec-12 13:05:13

hes a twat,we have had the same but other way round,we have 4 boys and been told oh what a shame,your not a real dad unless you have a girl! you cant win,ingore and enjoy the new baby x

The senior partner is a dickhead. It's just as well he only has sons if he has such a negative view of daughters. Imagine being a daughter of a horrible dad like him.

mrsjay Mon 31-Dec-12 13:06:06

IS the partner usually such a twat what an arse my dh is happy to have girls boys never entered the conversation when we decided on not having anymore, I had a friend of my aunts say to me aww what a shame never mind you can always try for a boy,

sarahseashell Mon 31-Dec-12 13:06:11

shock that's terrible! silly man.

congratulations on your baby smile I'm sure your dh is delighted

MrsAceRimmer Mon 31-Dec-12 13:06:20

Congratulations on your 4th beautiful daughter!
Partner is a twat. Simples.
Never heard such bollocks in my life confused

shrimponastick Mon 31-Dec-12 13:06:22

Congratulations !

Yanbu. Husbands colleague is a twat.

Enjoy your family.

Bonsoir Mon 31-Dec-12 13:06:49

IMO all parents get a fuller experience of parenting if they have at least one child of each sex. It doesn't mean your life is wasted if you don't have one of each though!

Olbasoil Mon 31-Dec-12 13:07:04

The senior partner is a silly arse and therefore should be ignored. Congratulations to you all on the birth of your little dd

ImperialSantaKnickers Mon 31-Dec-12 13:08:11

YANBU, I'm not hormonal and it IS a shitty thing to say! Congratulations.

SugaricePlumFairy Mon 31-Dec-12 13:09:17

The prat who said that to your dh is a dickhead!

Congratulations to you and your dh on having a beautiful new baby. smile

festivelyfocussed Mon 31-Dec-12 13:09:19

What a knob!
Of course it was a shitty thing to say. It's also utterly untrue and one of the more ridiculous things I've heard said about parenting!!
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby girl.

mumof4sons Mon 31-Dec-12 13:09:53

Congrats on No 4!

What a horrible thing to say!

I am the mum of 4 great boys - no one has ever said to me that I'm not a 'true mum' because I don't have a girl.

Ignore such comments - enjoy the new baby girl!

ISawSantaKissingThePortlyPinUp Mon 31-Dec-12 13:10:13

I have 4dd's and dp gets the same sort of comments. It's pathetic in this day and age.

foreverondiet Mon 31-Dec-12 13:11:54

Stupid (and untrue / ridic) thing to say - each child is different regardless of sex. Would be like telling someone with 2 children they aren't a real parent as they have 2 children rather than four.

weegiemum Argentina Mon 31-Dec-12 13:11:56

Senior partner is a dick!

Dh & I have dd1, ds, dd2.

He never felt "less of a father" because he has 2 girls and one boy.

A male parent is essential to girls - a man who loves them for who they are (whether resident or not!) boosts theirself esteem and reduces risks of eating disorders.

Be glad your 4 beautiful girls have such a loving father!

yohohoho Mon 31-Dec-12 13:12:16

He is twat. As he is a twat anything he says should be instantly disregarded as twatish.

Congrats.

Ruprekt Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:17

What a pillock!!!!!!!

Ignore him and enjoy your new baby.

What did you call her? Did you struggle for a girl name when you had 3 DD's?

<<Wistful thinking as mother of 2 lovely boys what she would have called 4 DD's>>

(Annabel Amy, Sofia Oriele, Beatrice Hoghton, Romilly Anne)

ThePathanKhansWitch Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:29

What a twat! Next time some edjit makes a silly comment, your dh will just have to reply "Yes, it's just my lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women"
Congratulations to you all.

HuffleWitch Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:29

Well obviously, having just become a father at the age of 62, he is an expert on fatherhood!

Unfortunately the world is full of people with strange (even just plain wrong) ideas, and he seems to be one of them.

Congratulations on your fabulous DC4!

piprabbit Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:54

Silly man.

I think there is something very special and wonderful about the relationship between father and daughters...but then again there is something special about every parent's relationship with their children.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown Mon 31-Dec-12 13:14:04

Congratulations on your 4th DD! Honestly what a twat that senior partner is, evidently has some sort of Henry VIII attitude to offspring - dismiss that remark about being a 'true father' from your mind.

Ruprekt Mon 31-Dec-12 13:14:08

So is a mother of 4 boys not a true mother!

LynetteScavo England Mon 31-Dec-12 13:14:29

That is one of the most stupid things I have ever heard of anyone saying!

FlojoHoHoHo Mon 31-Dec-12 13:15:45

YANBU that is awful, its bad enough to think it but to say it out loud is ridiculous, shame your DH didn't tell him this!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 31-Dec-12 13:17:09

Wow, he's an idiot!

Congratulations on your baby thanks

5madthings Mon 31-Dec-12 13:17:43

Oh what a twat!! We had many comments when we had ds4 and have had many mote since having no 5 dd. A neighbour said to me that dp was a real man now he had a daughter and i had lots of comments about how i must be despetate for a girl nlah blah.

Ignore them and congratulations on your new baby girl smile

JingleBel Mon 31-Dec-12 13:19:06

Bonsoir hmm.

Having been up since 5 with ds2. I truely believe my boys give a " full experience" of parenthood.

The partner is being a dick btw

FolkElf Mon 31-Dec-12 13:20:27

What a dick!

oldpeculiar Mon 31-Dec-12 13:20:52

Me thinks he doth protest too much, and very much longed for a DD himself.It is sadly usual to have a bit of commiseration from others when you have 4 or the same sex (DB has 4 girls and MIL 5 boys and both got this a lot)

YANBU. He's a twit. Congratulations on your snuggly newborn!
We have had people commiserate with us over two sons, and ask if we will try for a girl- but to infer that parenting children of one sex is less valid than the other or a mixture or both is SO stupid as to be laughable .

Totally get what you mean about the hormones (DS2 born on boxing day) but please don't worry, he was being vERY U.

peaceandlovebunny Mon 31-Dec-12 13:24:26

congratulations on having four lovely daughters!

pass on my congratulations to your husband also. what a man! it takes healthy, vigorous sperm to make a daughter - weaker sperm to make sons. check it out - i'm right. an older, or less healthy, father, is more likely to have a son than a daughter.

and your husband has given you four daughters... you are a lucky woman indeed!

Mockingcurl Mon 31-Dec-12 13:25:28

My mil told me to have a fourth child so that I could "get it right next time and have a girl." This was when ds3 was 2 days old. I have never forgiven her.
The number of strangers who sympathised over having 3 boys in tow was unbelievable. Just ignore them.

HazeltheMcWitch Mon 31-Dec-12 13:27:16

Bonsoir what a ridiculous comment to make! One could equally assert that to get a full experience of parenting you'd need a sporty child and a not-so-sporty one; one that eats everything and one who does not; an academic one and another that struggles...

And yes, OP, unfortunately your husband works with a twat.

RubyGrace17 Mon 31-Dec-12 13:28:05

Thank you all so much for the reassurance and congrats! We definitely feel like the luckiest people in the World right now! My DH loves his girls to pieces (as every daddy does) and the best Dad I could ever have wanted for my children. It just made me feel so sad for him, even though he doesn't seem bothered in the least.

We had a name for a boy picked out but the girls name was trickier, Ruprekt. We decided in the end to call her Eloisa, though she's very quickly become Lulu, thanks to DD1!

Ruby

higgle Mon 31-Dec-12 13:28:49

Is it a law firm? Senior Partners of law firms seldom say anything that indicates they live on the same planet as the rest of us. Congratulations on DD4.

LynetteScavo England Mon 31-Dec-12 13:31:24

Bonsoir, I think that's like saying you get a fuller experience of parenting if you have children with varying talents and SN's. hmm

If I just had my boys, I wouldn't have had any less of a parenting experience than with the addition of DD.

RubyGrace17 Mon 31-Dec-12 13:31:31

Higgle, DH is a solicitor, yes!

Ruby

mrsjay Mon 31-Dec-12 13:34:32

Bonsoir really a full experience of parenting to same sex children don't give you a well rounded experience OK then

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 13:42:07

What a stupid daft comment - sort of comment my dad would have come out out with hmm

bonsoir - your comment is also ridiculous. I have two of each but in no way think that my experience as a mother would have been less 'well rounded' with 4 of the same sex.

whistlestopcafe Mon 31-Dec-12 13:42:48

Peaceandlovebunny - that isn't true statistically older fathers are more likely to produce girls and teenage fathers produce more sons than any other age group. Not that it matters a jot anyway!

firesidechat Mon 31-Dec-12 13:45:51

Please ignore this ridiculous man.

We have two grownup daughters and my husband has definitely experienced "true fatherhood". If anyone said otherwise he would think it laughable.

He prefered having girls to boys.

HollyBerryBush Mon 31-Dec-12 13:50:54

IMO all parents get a fuller experience of parenting if they have at least one child of each sex

And of course we'd need a gay one, a disabled one, perhaps a duel hertiage one, an albino one, one with ASD - then we could all experience what other people experience.

they're out in force today ....

SmilingHappyBeaver Mon 31-Dec-12 13:54:14

I wonder if his twins were conceived through IVF, due to his low sperm count? It sounds like it might be a petty swipe at your happiness (and fertility) poss motivated by a bit of jealousy perhaps?! A stupid comment from (presumably) an otherise intelligent man.

Congratulations though!

TheNebulousBoojum Mon 31-Dec-12 13:59:45

He's a father at 62?
He's really opening himself up to very negative comments about his sons wiping the drool and changing nappies in their uni holidays. Although being as he's so important despite having no social skills means most will think it rather than say it.
Congratulations on having a lovely addition to your family OP, all families are unique.

dixiechick1975 Mon 31-Dec-12 14:03:15

Guessing your DH is a solicitor

Most law firms/partners seem stuck in about 1950 in my experience.

Ignore and congratulations.

Rosa Mon 31-Dec-12 14:04:02

Oh well my dh will not be a 'true father' either then...
SO his complete joy when dd2 almost rode her bike today without stabilisers is not being a true father
His obvious pride at DD1 in her gym club display is not being a true father

The list of mine and like many others will go on and on and on and on.

Congratulations on DD4 and congratulations to the father as well !!!

toddlerama Mon 31-Dec-12 14:15:06

Partner is a fool.

I get very frustrated with people saying 'oh you got your boy' as DC3 is our first boy. As if that was what were aiming for confused . I really can't fathom attaching importance to something so utterly uncontrollable as your child's gender. If anything, it makes the girly car seat look a little odd, but not so much as I'd bother changing it!

Anything he does differently to his sisters (who were vastly different to each other) is "because he's a boy. Boys are harder". Even people I've confronted with this blatant bullshit STILL say it! If I say "actually he's been my easiest baby overall" they come back with "yes, well boys can be easier". Where are all the MNers in my life? Surely people don't really think this stuff? Apologies for the highjack but DH and I are totally confused by this! It gives me the rage and I can't really explain why!

MerylStrop Mon 31-Dec-12 14:17:25

The bloke at work is so obviously a complete arse that his comments are not worthy of a momen't more thought

diddl Germany Mon 31-Dec-12 14:23:18

Yeah, because you can never play footy with a daughter or soldiers or run around with her in any way...

sweetkitty Mon 31-Dec-12 14:30:07

We got this when DD3 was born, according to my mother you aren't a real woman until you have a son!

We've since had the precious boy so apparently we can stop now we've got our boy (no we've stopped regardless).

I've heard that the more manly you are the more daughters you have.

Your DHs hubby is an idiot.

ZenNudist Mon 31-Dec-12 14:32:24

I wouldn't feel sad senior partner clearly a loon. Probably got where he is by being ultra competitive and putting everyone else down. His comment just reflects badly on him.

notnagging Mon 31-Dec-12 14:41:28

I have 5 boys op & I get crappy comments all the time. Your dh will show your girls what a good man is & save them alot of hassle in the future.smile

Journey Mon 31-Dec-12 14:42:53

What the senior partner said is just weird but if he is 62 and has just had twin boys then I bet you he's finding the adjustment hard. He is also probably worried that he may not be around when the boys start high school. I think the stupid remark is down to his own insecurities of being a father so late in life.

Putting the comment aside though I would ask how your DH really feels about having four DDs. The reason I say this is because I have three ds who I love and adore but I still wanted a DD (who I now have). The only person I felt I could reveal this to was my DH. I'm not saying your DH feels like this at all but I think knowing he can be honest with you can really help if deep down he does. Equally if you would have liked a ds. Silly comments like those from his senior partner can be harder to take if you can't download to anyone.

Congratultion on the birth of your dd. Four dcs is a lot of hard work but also a lot of fun.

QueenofNightmares Mon 31-Dec-12 14:56:27

Congratulations!

What a stupid thing to say he's a true father by his actions of loving and caring for his family not by the sex of his children. When I found out that I'm pregnant with DS after having had DD my MIL turned to me and said "Well at least now you've proven yourself a real woman" shock Apparently it takes a real man to give a woman a daughter and a real woman to give a man a son.

There are some bloody strange notions floating around out there.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 31-Dec-12 15:07:54

What a wanker. I have three girls and would be chuffed to have another - CONGRATULATIONS

btw my DP is an amazing father to the girls and is a "real" dad.

jellybeans Mon 31-Dec-12 15:14:56

YANBU! What a twat! I had only girls first and got comments like this, mainly from the 'lads' at work to DH. However, friends with just boys also got comments about how they must be desperate for girls, asked are they disappointed etc. One 'friend' told me my DH's sperm must be weak since we had girls (she had boys). I once visited a friend in hospital who had just had a boy. My own baby DD was a few months old. Her husband told me he was glad he had a boy as girls 'just aren't the same'. Hmm nice. Fast forward a few years and he now has his own DD who he is smitten with! Bet he feels stupid now! Grrr any baby is a precious blessing!

JamieandtheMagiTorch Mon 31-Dec-12 15:18:12

Senior Partner? Law Firm?

Probably rarely sees his own children and will end up shagging one of his underlings....

See, i can spout prejudiced nonsense too...

Oh tell him to fuck right off. Twat. Although if he's the boss then maybe word it a little more subtly...

We have two girls and aren't having any more. Neither of us feel any longing for a boy. We've got what we've got.

Now congratulations and enjoy your snuggly newborn. That was me this time last year <eyes nearly 1yo dd2 and sobs>

YANBU. It is a shitty thing to say.

My DH got congratulated on the birth of our son with a smack on the back and a hearty 'well done, ^men make men^" by his Danish boss.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 31-Dec-12 15:26:01

Many, many congratulations on your new baby girl. I have three girls. My fourth dc is a boy but I understand exactly what you mean when you say you are utterly delighted with four girls. I would have been thrilled to have four girls too. Some people are utter knobs. Your husband's senior partner falls into that camp. He is probably jealous of your dh's happiness. What a moronic comment. He is perhaps feeling uneasy that he is a very old father and so trying to compensate by telling himself that he has the 'perfect' experience of fatherhood. He will be 72 when his boys are ten. Perhaps he feels bad about that.

Tailtwister Mon 31-Dec-12 15:26:05

What a nasty thing to say!

Don't give it a second thought OP. Congratulations on your new baby.

GalaxyDisaStar Mon 31-Dec-12 15:26:20

He's a twat.

I was discussing having more children with a friend recently (have two and am very conflicted about whether I want more). She said she stopped at two as she had one of each, but she could understand if I tried for a third as I had two girls and would get a fuller experience of parenthood.

People have odd ideas.

You could equally say he hasn't experienced parenthood because he's never had a singleton. Or never been young enough to belt around in the park after his kids. Every experience of parenthood is different. And, to recap on my previous point, he's a twat.

pigletmania Mon 31-Dec-12 15:33:58

What's twat if curse your dh s experiencing true fatherhood

anothershittynickname Mon 31-Dec-12 15:34:05

bonsoir
You are talking shite!

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 31-Dec-12 15:55:04

Your DH's colleague is a knob.

Being a "true father" has nothing to do with the gender of the children.

GreenShadow England Mon 31-Dec-12 15:55:05

But I do think that people have to realise how common a feeling this is. It may not be PC to say it, but underneath, many people think it.

I remember as a young child, my brother's best friend was one of 3 boys and even at a young age, I remember thinking 'poor mother, surrounded by all those males'.

Many years on, guess what - I now have 3 boys and of course it seems perfectly natural to me and I can't imagine anything other than that. But if you had suggested to my 10 year old self that was what I would end up with, I may well have been horrified.

I genuinely think that most peoples first thoughts (not words I hope) on hearing that someone is having the 3rd or 4th of the same sex will be, 'oh, what a pity'. They may quickly recover from that, but I'm sure it still happens.

RedToothbrush Bosnia-Herzegovina Mon 31-Dec-12 15:58:33

Did he say this in front of a female colleague?

If he did, he's not only a sexist arse, but he's displaying sexist arse behaviour in the work place.

If you DH was also so unprofessional, he could make a lot of equally crass and rude remarks age his age and his children.

But I'm sure he's not. And technically this partner could have complaints made against him for his comment.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Mon 31-Dec-12 15:59:13

Greenshadow
I agree that many people will think it.
Gender stereotyyping is so deep seated it is hard to shift.

Most of us cop on to ourselves and would never say anything.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Mon 31-Dec-12 16:02:45

Bonsoir

As a mother of two of the same sex, i wouldn't presume to know what it's like to parent two of different genders.

But then, my two are so unalike as to practically be of different genders ........ wink.

CheerMum Mon 31-Dec-12 16:05:34

What a twat! And such a deeply ridiculous comment!

True parenting? Actually made me snort out loud!

ivykaty44 Mon 31-Dec-12 16:10:12

Congratulations to you and your family!

On the subject of the other poor family, I hope those twon boys will have other male role models who are positive in their life and be secure in themselves - they are going to need it with a father who is a MCP sad

TheSecondComing Mon 31-Dec-12 16:12:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsafreefuckingcuntry Mon 31-Dec-12 16:12:41

I can't be a true mother as I am mother to boys!!?!

Seriously though, ignore this utter twunt. He sounds bitter and miserable and wants everyone to feel the same. The facts are that your husband IS a father and you are a mother.

Just because Hitler was in charge, it didn't make him right.

Oh an congratulations btw!

Itsafreefuckingcuntry Mon 31-Dec-12 16:12:57

and

homeaway Mon 31-Dec-12 16:17:23

Congratulations to you all ! I am outraged on your behalf , what a load of ......

Itsafreefuckingcuntry Mon 31-Dec-12 16:26:26

I bet he has a flash car to compensate for his withering, tiny cock.

mrsjay Mon 31-Dec-12 16:36:27

Yeah, because you can never play footy with a daughter or soldiers or run around with her in any way.

or take her fishing or build lego or have a grown up 1 who is training to be an engineer nope girls cant do anything grin

mrsjay Mon 31-Dec-12 16:36:43

like that*

FriendlyLadybird Mon 31-Dec-12 20:11:58

What a stupid thing to say. I wouldn't waste your hormones on feeling sad for your DH, though -- he obviously wasn't bothered, and why should he be? Congratulations to you both.

3monkeys3 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:19:28

He is a dickhead - your poor dh! I do think that sadly quite a lot of men feel a bit like this - we have 2 boys and a girl and dh was slapped on the back quite a lot when we had our boys (first and third). I also think that the majority of men who have only daughters don't feel they are missing out - it is the men who don't have children/have mixed gender families who seem to think it's a problem.

Loislane78 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:36:58

I'm the youngest of 4 girls and whilst dad jokes about never getting in the bathroom etc. when we were younger, I don't think he'd have it any other way - best dressed dad in town smile

Dickhead

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