To think badly written sex scenes in fan fiction

(77 Posts)
BalthierBunansa Mon 31-Dec-12 00:16:19

may be some of the funniest things ever?

Observe grin

IAmNotAReindeer Mon 31-Dec-12 00:25:59

grin There must be more out there.

BananaBubbles Mon 31-Dec-12 00:31:07

There is a Snape/Tellytubby slash fic out there,but do not read it if you value your sanity.

SirBoobAlot Mon 31-Dec-12 00:41:26

"Like pissing but better". Awesome.

I don't think I could get far enough in a piece of fiction as purple as that to get to the sex scenes - it's usually a couple of sentences then mashing the backspace button and bleaching my eyes.

Someone needs to link to the infamous 'My Immortal'

BananaBubbles Mon 31-Dec-12 00:47:28

Done. My Immortal.

<tries to resist the urge to read again... fails>

It's so, so bloody awful that it's addictive.. To whit... "And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

muffinino82 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:59:23

My Immortal is a work of terrifying genius grin

freddy05 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:02:24

There are some real bad ones that's for sure but there are some hot ones as well wink

I've never read tellytubby slash fic I have to admit but I might search the archive for some!

There are indeed some good ones and I've spent most of this evening on the sofa reading them

SirBoobAlot Mon 31-Dec-12 01:06:15

Oh God I'm going to be up for hours reading and PMSL now...

freddy05 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:11:59

Link Mrsdmitri? wink

BonkeyMollocks Mon 31-Dec-12 01:14:37

Shameless place marking to read tomorrow grin

soontobeburns Mon 31-Dec-12 01:16:12

Yes im not alone!! I love fanfics and no one I know does. So im normal.

Good thread. Hmm sorry continue.

Unless you have a particular yen for Teen Wolf slash fanfiction it probably wouldn't be that meaningful tbh, but have the link to the rather useful Archive Of Our Own (or AO3 as it's known) and you can find many many fandoms that may interest you...

blahblahblahyah Mon 31-Dec-12 01:20:29

Link to a hot one!!!

freddy05 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:22:15

so so not alone soontobeburns, smile

this would be my Sherlock favourite I think.

That would be my hang out of choice MrsDmitr Brilliant place you can find anything you need there and lots of things you never knew you wanted wink

soontobeburns Mon 31-Dec-12 01:27:16

Yeah just read my immortal. What the fuck lol.

And just to say liking GC, MCR and simple plan doesnt make you an emo. I love them. Silly author lol.

MrsMushroom Mon 31-Dec-12 01:41:40

"It was snowing and raining which I was happy about." grin My Immortal is frigging genius it's so bad it's good!

Tee2072Thing Mon 31-Dec-12 05:25:32

I was just going to suggest AO3. You might find a familiar author name there...

MardyArsedMidlander Mon 31-Dec-12 08:07:36

I bloody love fanfic- some of it is so well written and erotic (try nautibiz,com) - but the WORSE oy my worh. It reads like one of those Describing Twister exercises- including one where the couple were having missionary position sex and she was kissing him on the nape of his neck confused

Or any that uses the phrases 'manhood' or 'womanhood'..

EuphemiaInExcelsis Mon 31-Dec-12 08:19:09

Oh my goodness life is too short to read that trash! I feel my very life force draining away ...

FiftyShedsOfGrey Mon 31-Dec-12 08:21:35

"“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….


It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!


I can't stop laughing!

Nixea Mon 31-Dec-12 08:23:43

"Or any that uses the phrases 'manhood' or 'womanhood'.."

Or indeed 'elfhood' grin

does not admit to browsing through LOTR slash fanfiction, no not at all

Peevish Mon 31-Dec-12 10:49:41

Nixea, are you a former LOTR slasher? grin Oh, I remember the days of elfhood, and Boromir/Faramir, and highly anatomically unlikely couplings between hobbits and men....

Agreed that amidst the hilarious dross, there are some good fan fictions out there, though it's years since I even looked. For instance, the Harry Potter fandom was completely bonkers, but there's a rather good novel-length fanfic called 'Chaos is Come Again' set in a dystopian version of the HP future, in which there is forced marriage among Purebloods to stop them dying out. It's Snape/Hermione.

It's just having the patience (and time I guess) to work your way through the dross to find the nuggets of excellent storytelling and writing. Some fandoms are better than others, ditto websites ( <shudder>)

MrsFlibble Mon 31-Dec-12 11:21:14

I've read some real shocking ones, things that coulda been written by a child, awful.

Well I know my BFs 13yo daughter writes them (very much U/PG rated ones I hasten to add) so they might very well have been!

Nixea Mon 31-Dec-12 11:58:51

Peevish I may have been a little partial to, erm, a bit of Elladan/Elrohir blush

MrsFlibble Mon 31-Dec-12 12:17:06

Dmitri i mean the M ones, the truely adult ones, the more adolescent ones are much better written.

MyChemicalMummy Mon 31-Dec-12 13:01:57

I hate badly written fan fic, I wish some people wouldn't share their fantasy.

There are some brilliant written ones on livejournal, esp if you like a bit of MCR slash.

I am literally snorting laughing at My Immortal, thank you for sharing. It's perfect, the story, the txt spk comments at the end of each 'chapter'... grin

*“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.*

Brilliant. <<howling>>

LOL. I love badly written fanfiction. I used to read a hell of a lot of fanfiction, and badly written sex scenes made fics like My Immortal worth reading grin

Saying that, I read a really awesome fan version of Half Blood Prince before the book came out and it was 100% better than the real deal!

EuphemiaInExcelsis Mon 31-Dec-12 14:21:58

Voldemort = fucking bastard, now that's deep.


FobblyWoof Mon 31-Dec-12 14:35:09

I almost pissed myself when I read My Immortal for he first time. I don't even like HP but it was well worth it. It was Dumbledore's "motherfuckers" and his Avril Lavigne cape that did it for me.

FobblyWoof Mon 31-Dec-12 14:36:58

I've also been guilty of writing a dodgy sex scene myself. blush

I hate the ones that are actually really good stories and then they begin to be peppered with crap sex scenes. It makes me stop reading them

FiftyShedsOfGrey Mon 31-Dec-12 15:17:54

This made me roar.

Dammit. DC are in the room and I'm too comfortable to move laptop. I'll have to listen later...

Nixea Mon 31-Dec-12 15:37:36

Oh gods, that link made me cry!! That's one of the funniest things I've heard in a long while!

FiftyShedsOfGrey Mon 31-Dec-12 15:41:17

Oh I love dramatic readings, they really hit me where I live for some reason.

notquitenormal Mon 31-Dec-12 15:49:43

I read one years ago, decades ago even, that put me off all fan fiction and has never left me.

It was a Star Trek TNG scene with Guinan (i.e. Whoopie Goldberg) who was completely naked except for her usual extravagant hat...and equally etravagant bush.

I decided I just couldn't risk visuals like that again.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 31-Dec-12 15:52:49

I hate writing sex scenes and I'm not mad about reading them either. I'm 85000 words into a story and have managed to get away with only one sex scene so far. I was writing a shorter story over Christmas which has a hetro sex scene, which I find harder to write so I did it mainly as the woman looking back in a drunken haze of regret. Still cringeworthy.

MrsFlibble Mon 31-Dec-12 16:05:43

I wrote a kiss scene once, sadly i dont have the story now the only thing i remember was:

He traced an invisible line with kisses down her chest, breathing in her scent, her skin was soft and glowing with anticipation, he moved back her body, and looked into her eyes, she was perfect

Thats all i remember of that sadly.

freddy05 Mon 31-Dec-12 16:50:32

I'm not saying I'm good at writing sex scenes but I do enjoy trying, its sort of a mental workout of what could happen if real life things like kids knocking on the door at the wrong moment or mum coming home didn't happen wink

MardyArsedMidlander Mon 31-Dec-12 16:53:31

I love reading the really good sex scenes- and there are some. It's just if any start 'he crushed his lips to her' (which sounds bloody painful)- I know not to bother.

SugarPasteSnowflake Mon 31-Dec-12 17:21:34

That immortal thing was so bad, I had to stop reading. In other news I now know that it's steak that you kill a vampire with...

This article is awesome

*Disclaimer it's about fanfic not a dodgy link grin

FobblyWoof Mon 31-Dec-12 18:12:47


Thanks for that! I think number 5 is my favourite! grin

Dumbleydore only swore cos he had a headache y'all!

And yes, the Avril Lavigne cloak is priceless. grin

Thanks for the link to My Immortal - it's just genius!

PretzelTime Mon 31-Dec-12 19:40:08

I don't normally read fanfics, but My Immortal is a masterpiece grin I love how the author comes up with 100's of horribly bad ways to spell the characters names/words on purpose- Enoby, Cornelius Fuck, masticating etc

Best dramatic reading, he is so serious:

anonacfr Mon 31-Dec-12 19:54:07

FiftySheds at is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. I'm quietly crying next to now sleeping toddler.

Btw anyone saw the YouTube 'Mark reads 50 shades'? It's hilarious! As is his reading of the whole Twilight saga of course.
Watching his face as he reads selected passages of 50 Shades and his appalled reaction at Anastasia first ever sexual encounter is priceless.

Bonnefoi Mon 31-Dec-12 20:05:59

Crying, literally crying with laughter at this thread. grin

hiviolet Mon 31-Dec-12 20:13:14

I once read some Harry Potter mpreg (male pregnancy) fic. It was as hideous as you can imagine.

Iirc, Harry and Snape were a couple and were both pregnant at the same time.

Bonnefoi Mon 31-Dec-12 20:29:10

Now watching Mark Reads 50 Shades of Grey and laughing even harder. I'm going to end up with a hernia at this rate. Threads like this are why I love Mumsnet. Best New Year's Eve in ages...grin

50ShadesOfGreggs Mon 31-Dec-12 20:45:13

Still pmsl at "elfhood" grin

50ShadesOfGreggs Mon 31-Dec-12 20:52:17

Oh god, oh god, I just followed 50 Sheds's link, this is priceless!

Avril Lavigne cloak... Priceless! grin

MrsGeologist Mon 31-Dec-12 20:54:52

PMSL at the Avril Levigne cloak grin

Bad fanfic usually makes me squirm, but that is just fucking hilarious

FiftyShedsOfGrey Mon 31-Dec-12 21:06:50

I've watched that bloody thing about 6 times now and every time he gets to the Avril Lavine cloak I literally cannot stop laughing.

BananaBubbles Mon 31-Dec-12 21:14:05

'BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. - Chapter 11'

I think I may have died at "elfhood".

My Immortal is yeeeears old. It is a work of genius. grin

MrsGeologist Mon 31-Dec-12 21:34:08

I've never actually read it. Already laughing at GC playing Hogsmeade.

Number 4 on that list is brilliant! grin I will ask DP to link me to my favourite reading of 50 shades, it's brilliant grin


ArkadyRose Mon 31-Dec-12 22:12:25

Most embarassing experience of 2012: learning that Adam Howden, the voice actor for the character of Anders in the game Dragon Age 2, had read a slashfic I had written that was basically pure porn in which several male characters from DA2 did lots of naughty things to Anders. blush

That said, at least when I write slashfic I do remember the pertinent things - like lube.

Arkady: Ah ha! That's brilliant! How did you find out that he'd read it? I dread to think anybody involved reading my slash stuff blush

ArkadyRose Mon 31-Dec-12 22:22:16

ConfusedPixie Mutual friend introduced me to him on Twitter as "the one who wrote "Touched". His response showed he'd read it. Said friend has now threatened to introduce us at some point....

Then again, this is the guy who said if his fans made him a cloak of dicks, he'd wear it - and actually did when duly presented with it at MCM Expo last May, so he's probably just amused by it. Still, embarassing!

Stropzilla Mon 31-Dec-12 22:55:13

Archive of our own has some amazingly hot stuff on it. A friend told me, I would never read such filth. Or write it.

Arkady: He is quite an attractive fellow, I'm almost sad he doesn't act on screen! He sounds like a hilarious bloke too!

<<goes off to google Touched>> Which I totally didn't write a 'toughed' in my semi-drunken state. Or take three attempts to write that post...

ArkadyRose Mon 31-Dec-12 23:14:24

ConfusedPixie Actually, he does do some screen work - he had a couple of small parts in films this summer that should be released next year, and he did some filming for an episode of casualty or Holby City bor something like that I think. But not as much as Gideon Emory, who played Fenris in DA2 - and who is currently appearing in Teen Wolf I think. They both show up quite regularly on gaming panels together and have threatened to read aloud various Fenders (Fenris/Anders) slashfics. They seem to be quite good sports over the vast amount of pervery their voice acting has inspired, thankfully!

(And a little bird tweets that perhaps you should look on AO3....)

Nixea Mon 31-Dec-12 23:18:37

I've just lost about 3 hours watching Zenia's YouTube version of My Immortal

And am now crying! It's when Tom Riddle morphs into Tom Bombadil that I finally lost the plot completely!

MrsReiver Mon 31-Dec-12 23:42:03

I'm looking lovingly at my still from DA2 signed my Mr Emery. Sexiest damn elf I've ever encountered. Legolas who?

Enfyshedd Mon 31-Dec-12 23:49:35

I've just read the first half of My Immortal, and I'm torn between being stunned through pure hilarity and sheer pain of how bad the writing is...

I really shouldn't be putting my poor brain through reading that when I'm on antibiotics...

Nixea Mon 31-Dec-12 23:53:51

Persevere Enfyshedd - it keeps getting, erm, better snorts

Indith Wed 02-Jan-13 09:09:49

just marking a spot fir when I'm on computer later!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now