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To wrap a present up and pretend its from XP

(49 Posts)
OnlyWantsOne Sun 30-Dec-12 20:31:54

Dd is 6, her dad was THREE hours late picking her up last time he had her (last weekend) he's not seeing her again til mid Jan, but despite this - didn't give her any thing for Christmas.

I didn't think dd was too bothered but tonight she just burst into tears at bed time because "daddy doesn't like her" when I said "don't be daft he loves you!!" She said he doesn't, he loves * step siblings because he bought them lots of presents which were under the tree at his house but not for her.

She's very sad.

Shall I wrap some thing small and put it on our door or some thing?

He's such a douche.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 20:33:47

do not lie for him. ever.

do text him or send him a link to your post.

McPheastOfStephen Sun 30-Dec-12 20:34:45

I'd be letting him know the above.....

Isityouorme Sun 30-Dec-12 20:36:21

I agree. Don't bail him out as I think you will be doing it for years to come. Just be there for her, tell her you love her and she has done nothing wrong. He is a twat.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:36:54

Let him know she's upset, but don't lie to cover for him. It's hard she's got to learn this and it's hard that you have to live with the consequences of his actions (or lack thereof) but covering for him is not in her best interests long term.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:37:09

Yes - tell him. If he's a total shit he'll be unmoved. On the basis your post almost made cry I'd hope her own Dad would go out and buy her a great present and drop at your house tomorrow.

Nittynana Sun 30-Dec-12 20:37:33

Do not cover for him. Hold your daughter close and reassure her that you love her.
Let him know the effect he is having on her

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:37:41

made me cry that should be

Chubfuddler Sun 30-Dec-12 20:37:59

No daddy doesn't live her. He's a cunt who doesn't deserve her. She'll work this out soon enough.

Chubfuddler Sun 30-Dec-12 20:38:29

*love

MisForMumNotMaid Sun 30-Dec-12 20:40:27

Don't lie for him.

Hug her, love her, remind her of all the wonderful things she's had for Christmas.

It is tough that life isn't fair but don't build him a pedestal when frankly he's a ....

Those presents under his tree may have been brought by the other women and just labeled from him.

Just be there for her and try to build exciting future plans for the two of you to focus on.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 30-Dec-12 20:41:13

Don't know why the fuck he took me to court and cost me thousands just to get bored of her in 18 months sad

He sees her every other Saturday. That's it. And in a whole term hasn't taken her ONCE to her gymnastics activities which I pay for.

Adviceinscotland Sun 30-Dec-12 20:43:16

Oh god sad

I know it won't help in the long run but I would be wrapping a shit load of presents just now. Could not bear to think she has seen all the other children's presents.

Everyone else is right though, don't do it sad

OnlyWantsOne Sun 30-Dec-12 20:46:26

Really shit that she has to go through this. Luckily DP dotes on her and has done since she was 2, we had a really lovely day at the coast and I genuinely thought she had forgotten about Christmas already but it must really be playing on her mind sad

McPheastOfStephen Sun 30-Dec-12 20:52:52

I do think you should be letting him know

What sort of father forgets to buy his child something for Christmas

Or send him a text simply saying....'Dd says thank you for her Christmas present' , then wait for a reply..

cestlavielife Sun 30-Dec-12 20:55:57

No don't cover for him. Ask him if he will be giving her her Xmas presents when he sees her next ? If he says no well you know where you are and just need to support dd. does he show he cares at all?

I wouldn't lie for him.

If you start lieing for him, you will have to keep it up and when your DD is old enough to figure it all out, she will be crushed.

What a fucking arse he is. I am sorry for you and DD sad

OnlyWantsOne Sun 30-Dec-12 21:00:25

I don't know what he does to show he cares. Csa had to take him to court and get a liability order in order to get any money from him. He isn't exactly throwing himself to care for her.

IDontDoIroning Sun 30-Dec-12 21:00:29

What a shit he is.

I don't doubt Karma will get him in the end.

Don't bail him out, I know it's hard for her but you won't be doing her or you any favours in the long run.

If you've got a spare something you could wrap it and leave it as an extra from Santa who found out that her df didn't get her any thing.

Email him the link to this.

"I don't know what he does to show he cares. Csa had to take him to court and get a liability order in order to get any money from him. He isn't exactly throwing himself to care for her."

There you go then.

He doesn't care if he has to be dragged to court to contribute to the basic maintenance of his own daughter.

TBH, I would ban him from her life. She is young enough to recover from this. I am 32 and only just realising that my dad doesn't give a shit about me. I wish I had worked it out sooner.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 30-Dec-12 21:07:13

I can't ban him. He took me to court and demanded access. He was violent and a shit to me so I put up a fight but I can't break the court order. There is a penal notice attached.

ImperialSantaKnickers Sun 30-Dec-12 21:09:00

sad

HollyBerryBush Sun 30-Dec-12 21:15:59

Did the mother of the step siblings not buy their presents? not that you would know if she did, or they did, but I doubt heaps of presents were from him

no consolation to a poor we girl of course

You cant lie for him though.

on a more serious note - you want shot of him right? you need to start documenting this stuff at school, a word with teachers, ask for it to go on file, ask if there is access to councelling because he's playing with her mind ...... in a year or two you will be the one with the ultimatums.

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 21:20:46

Oh your poor little girl, and poor you, your heart must ache for her sad.

But no, don't cover for him.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Dec-12 21:20:54

He applied for contact to get under your skin.

He doesn't care about her, sadly.

Don't lie on his behalf though. That would end up causing problems down the road.

See if you can come up with some extra nice things to do together with her, you and your lovely DP -- don't replace love and care with things. She will get a far better start in life with loving parents spending time with her than she would with anyone lavishing stuff on her, and especially stuff that comes under false pretences.

See if you can get the order modified so there are penalties for him if he shows up more than half an hour late or refuses to allow her to take part in scheduled and paid for activities while she is in his 'care'. That would not be unreasonable.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Dec-12 21:21:34

Unfortunately no court can order him to be an adequate parent but a court can order him to honour his part of the order and to put her activities first.

FairyHanny Sun 30-Dec-12 21:25:28

What an utter C. U. N. T. It breaks my heart that the poor little mite has to learn such a huge life lesson at such a young age about a person who ought to be such an important person in her life and one of the only two people in the world who will are supposed to love her unconditionally for life, regardless.

And you can just see it happening to the other kids too, given time. (presuming that they are his?)

Verdict: CUNT of the highest order.

(Chin up OP, thinking of you both. wine )

OnlyWantsOne Sun 30-Dec-12 21:30:48

well ive been very lapse in documenting stuff, but all contact between him and I is via email or text so its all doctumented of sorts.

what do I do to protect myself and her for when he drags me back to court the next time he spits his dummy which he threatens me with all the time

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 21:37:39

just keep calm and keep your records, including of the distress he causes your daughter by his behaviour.

give her lots of love. she'll grow out of needing him in time. mine did.

and if you'd like a little present to arrive by post, pm me a name and address.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 30-Dec-12 21:38:49

I'm so sorry - your poor DD. I remember coming home from my dad's at 10 and crying because he didn't love me. sad

If it's any consolation at all, as an adult he and I have a distant relationship while my mum and I are pretty close.

Big hugs xxx

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Sun 30-Dec-12 21:46:52

It won't be long until she can make her own mind up about all this stuff. It is truly heart-breaking now but it will get better for her. She has people who love her dearly and that is the thing that she needs right now not fake presents from her 'D'F.

Emmielu Sun 30-Dec-12 21:58:25

Noo don't cover his arse. He's a grown man if he's capable of buying for his new family he can buy for his daughter. No excuse at all. Put your foot down on him.

MrsFlibble Sun 30-Dec-12 22:28:08

My daughter sees little of her dad, and i spoke to my hairdresser about how i felt sorry for her because of this.

She told me that i shouldnt feel sorry for her, because she had a great mum, who loves her and a great family.

So OP, tell your DD that you cant speak for her father, but you love her very much and she is a cherished child, and that you will always be around.4

Giving her the reassurance should help build her confidence.

ssaw2012 Sun 30-Dec-12 22:40:43

My sister bought presents meant to be from her x on a few occasions when her daughter was little. It happened that my niece would remind her mum about the nice expensive presents making him superior because of that. Eventually my sister had to tell her daughter the truth. She wanted to buy the presents because she felt sorry for her daughter but later it turned against her.

McNewPants2013 Sun 30-Dec-12 22:42:26

I would seek advice about the penalty attached, to me it seems like he has broken his own court order by turning up late

ssaw2012 Sun 30-Dec-12 22:57:17

I think you could lie that her father is not usually good at buying presents. He always relies on others. I am almost sure those presents under the tree were bought by the kids' mum and grand parents.
Poor DD.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Dec-12 23:53:10

OnlyWants -- I have been dragged back to court so many times I have now lost count. My tactic is to write such detailed responses to his motions of contempt that we all get completely bogged down in front of the judge. When we exchange emails (our only contact when arranging details of the DCs' lives that are different from the parenting agreement) I make sure mine are repeatable in polite company and very clear and can be printed off and used as exhibits alongside his tirades to me when I file a response with the court. I dress nicely and represent myself as I would go broke hiring a solicitor. So far the judge assigned to us has batted him away. I have an idea that if I got a solicitor and went after him more aggressively to stop bringing me back to the court and abide by the mediation provision in our agreement I would be able to put an end to it.

Don't be afraid of being dragged back to court. It is unjust and extremely frustrating that an abusive man can use the courts against a former partner essentially to continue the abuse, but you can use the courts too, argue your case, and count on a modicum of good sense and justice from the judge. Chin up and try to be brave about it. Trust that somewhere there is a judge who will see through your ex's BS and tell him off. Does your agreement have a provision for mediation instead of the prospect of wasting the judge's time every time he throws a tantrum? Not that it's foolproof, but it's something you could use to give the judge a chance to bat the ex away.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Dec-12 23:54:38

Keep detailed records of times, records of all communication, accounts of missing activities and reports from your DD of second class treatment compared to step family.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 31-Dec-12 09:37:56

He probably will end up getting her a present & giving it to her when he sees her next weekend and DD will be chuffed and instantly forget how crap he made her feel this week. That's normal operation for him. And he twists things onto me which is double shit.

Like phoning me 10 mins before he is meant to return her (I ignore call as I was driving to the mutual place we meet to do hand over - plus he should have left long before me) and he leaves me a message telling me how dd doesn't want to come home.

So when he does finally turn up at meeting point dd is beside herself - because mummy wouldn't let her stay at dads house horrid mummy but ExP KNOWS what the contact times are, and should prepare her for time to come back etc - dd is old enough to know that when an adult says "we are leaving in 10 minutes" etc but he manipulated it so I was the bad guy.

We won't mention him telling her that her gran had died on Christmas Eve. He did such a crap job of explaining to her about her being dead (she died in the movemer but he chose to tell her December 24th) that dd still thought she was Alive until I sat and explained death to her.

Oh and let's not mention him leaving her alone with a 13 year old while he took his GF and her kids to the ZOO!!

peaceandlovebunny Mon 31-Dec-12 09:44:18

i hope you've logged all the above, with dates and times, and names eg of the 13 year old.

don't worry. she'll see through him eventually.

CaptChaos Mon 31-Dec-12 09:58:24

Log everything, late pick ups, failing to attend classes and events, failing to get Christmas presents, emails, calls, everything. Record all calls with him on your mobile or answerphone.

Keep a diary of what dd has said regarding her visits. Make it clinical, no room for emotion here.

You can only start from today's episode, as what has happened up til now will be seen as being coloured with hindsight.

When he threatens to take you to court over some rubbish, smile sweetly and say 'fine' and leave it at that.

You are doing what is best for your DD. Don't buy presents for her, don't cover his shitty behaviour, but also don't embellish it to your DD.

Good luck with it all, he sounds like an utter git.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 31-Dec-12 09:59:18

But the judge / Cafcass etc don't see through it do they?

They haven't in my experience.

I have got things logged - but he does twisting stuff, like acuse me of things via text (like lying dd is poorly) or cancelling contact because he "want to save your little ones from catching the sick bug" then I find he's gone away for the weekend instead but he still looks like a great guy.

RedHelenB Mon 31-Dec-12 10:04:47

I would say love doesn't equal presents. And presents don't equal love. Just tell dd how much YOU love her, how special she is to you & she will forget.

Alligatorpie Mon 31-Dec-12 10:08:19

That is is sad, your poor dd.

I agree you should send him this link. What a shit. What kind of person doesn't take his dd to the zoo, but takes other children?

Please don't wrap up a present from him. Your dd needs to learn the truth about him, however painful that may be for her.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 31-Dec-12 10:18:50

I would probably make her feel better by saying that the presents under the tree were bought by the girlfriend, just like you bought her lots of presents. Or did they actually say they were from her dad? I would tell him exactly what your daughter said though. Surely he will buy her a present then. For future xmases and b'days I would remind him in advance of how upset she was in the hope he would remember in future.

QueenBOObread Mon 31-Dec-12 10:39:24

Could you buy her a present, and tell her that it is from Father Christmas who heard that she was sad but because she is such an amazing little girl, he made another toy especially for her?

Might cheer her up a bit?

OnlyWantsOne Mon 31-Dec-12 10:41:46

Queenboo that's a lovely idea smile think I will do that today ...

As some one said up thread ^ all my communication is businesslike & functional. Also very emotionally detached and I would be very happy to have it put in front of a judge. Unlike his ranting emails I get at 2am all in caps lock.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 31-Dec-12 10:56:42

It would be inappropriate to explain to a 6-year-old that Daddy only buys presents for his gf's offspring to impress gf (and that's the polite version), so don't; but if he has actually bought any, that'll be why. Not because he loves them better than his own DD, who he seems to regard in the light of a toy he can pick up and play with and then stuff back in a cupboard. When he gets bored, or the gf sees through him, he'll be breezing in and playing Superdad to yet another brood before you can say "happy ready-made families", betcha.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 31-Dec-12 11:15:31

Oh he already has kids with the OW his girlfriend.

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