To do exactly wat dm says?

(60 Posts)
kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:27:54

Dd is on an emotional day today... You no the one you say no nicely and they cry as If they've just seen all there toys thrown away. Was upstairs with dd an she has been in everything shes not supposed to so I've told her no which everytime has lead to a tantrum!! Dm came upstairs to bathroom and dd is having yet another tantrum so I told her to go to her room que dm yelling saying all she's heard is crying tried to take her from her room where I'd sent dd to calm down, so I Tom dd back to my room and said come on I'm
Obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you! Dm comes in shouting saying to dd "sit down just breathe dont do anything and you shouldn't get told off" and slammed my door! I feel that was so much of an exaggeration so I've told dm I will not tell dd off again no matter what she does which is currently banging on my wardrobe doors and jumping up and down on the floor ( soemthing dm would have gone ballistic About). Fed up of being told off for disciplining her or even just telling her no yet dm can whenever it suits her!! So I'm allowing dd to do what she wants ( providing she doesn't hurt herself) as I no dm will snap and the tell me off for not disciplining her Aibu ro be fed up and just do what dm thinks is right? Fed up of being told off for being A parent! It stems much further than this (I.e giving her crisps when she nos I'm making her dinner) but this has topped it!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 30-Dec-12 15:29:40

Do you live with your DM? Might be time to move on.

buggerama Sun 30-Dec-12 15:32:58

confusing post

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:35:36

Yes I do for a few reasons but have no choice really. Firstly financial, hen I split with exp I didn't have enough money to set me and dd up in a home together. Mum moved house so we can all fit if I was I move out she wouldn't t be able to afford the house on her own and I wouldn't be able to afford a house either . Secondly she has scoliosis, rheumatoid arthritis and disk disease in her spine when I was not living with her and she slipped discs (happens a lot) I was travelling back and forward 2-3 times a day to dress her wash her feed her etc. and lastly she is a massive help with dd ( apart from he pain in arse reasons above) I Have to attend to dd during the night due to medical reasons so she gets up with her in the morning as let's me sleep in. I'm am kinda stuck not for the last reason but more for the first and second

D0G Sun 30-Dec-12 15:35:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hegsy Sun 30-Dec-12 15:36:14

Do you live with dm or just visiting? Either way I'd be making plans to leave early/move out x

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:38:26

It is confusing and childish I agree! But when I am being told no for telling my child no so she doesn't cause harm to herself what ammo supposed to do!? I have this issue every day! I'm sick of it! I'm not sure what my dm did in terms of discipline with me but I don't go round spitting on mirrors or emptying bins which is currently wat dd is doing because dm thinks I shouldnt tell her off for hear things!hmm

FeckOffCup Sun 30-Dec-12 15:40:38

You both need to calm down (you and DM). Could you take your DD out somewhere for a while so that you and DM get a break from each other and a chance to cool down. Speak to your DM tonight when DD is in bed, calmly and reasonably about how it makes you feel when she undermines your disciplining of your DD and see if you can talk it through so you don't wind each other up so much in future.

oldpeculiar Sun 30-Dec-12 15:41:32

I think you have all been cooped up too long over xmas and the tiniest things are getting blown up out of all proportion.
Day out tomorrow?

Hegsy Sun 30-Dec-12 15:42:15

You need to discuss this with dm. You are the parent and she should not disagree with you about discipline in front of dd. No wonder dd is acting up if she knows granny will back her up.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:44:11

feck I have tried talking to her in the past to just get "fine I won't help you anymore" she's not someone who you can talk to. She nos how she undermines me as d dad does t to!! They both say "for goodness sake stop being stupid" but then the help they do give me is invaluable hmm

MammaTJ Sun 30-Dec-12 15:44:42

I think you need to sit and have a grown up conversation with your DM!

LittleBairn Sun 30-Dec-12 15:45:19

You really need to sit your mum down and go over some ground rules for living together. No.1 She does not interfer or undermine you disciplining your DC.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:45:39

Old peculiar it's day out everyday for us but dm didn't sleep last night and when she had dd this morning was not short of screaming at dd every 5 seconds. I was surprised neighbours didn't phone ss!

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:47:24

Hegsy ano! She used to be so well behaved when I lived wih ex p. I had a good
Routine and strict rules which included dint eat dinner no pudding or unhealthy snacks (I.e chocolate crisps) she gets them constantly now!
I've got up at 9am before and she's eating crisps!shock

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:49:49

I honestly wish I had t moved back with her but I just couldn't support me and dd at that time! We are joint tenants and put equally but I don't get a say in anything and discipline is just one things!! Anyone got a time machine ????hmm

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 16:04:52

I think it can be hard to live with your parent and not slip into parent / child mode yourselves.

You need to sit down with your mum and say that she has GOT to recognise that you are an adult now, with a child of your own and she has got to step back and allow you to be the parent to your own child.

Ask her how she would feel if she were being undermined by her mother when raising you.

and get cracking with finding a place of your own. It sounds like she sees herself as the Head of this little family and isn't seeing you as an adult here.

It may be financially very very tough, but it's got to be better for your child to grow up away from this?

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats Sun 30-Dec-12 16:24:08

Sounds like your mother needs to he sent to her room, too! Undermining a parent is a no-no.

If she won't go to her room when you send her, perhaps send DD, so she can trash the place?!

Seriously, is there anywhere else DM xan go for a few days, so you can calm thinfs down with DD? (sorting out bedtimes, sweets, etc)

yousmell Sun 30-Dec-12 16:59:14

buy the book toddler taming and both read it!

disasterous, toxic sounding situation. your dm still treats you like a child and by the sounds of it you act like one in response to her.

why can't you afford places separately? that doesn't make sense to me - we don't have a society like that. if you're working but not earning enough then there is housing benefit to top it up. you have one child - would only need a two bed flat.

i really think you need to get out on your own with dd - not good for her to be in the midst of this - not good for you either.

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 17:07:38

Don't make snippy childish remarks such as "I'm obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you".

I hate to say it, but if you want to be treated like an adult, you're going to have to start behaving like one.

You need to take control of this situation, sit down and discuss it with your mother.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 17:24:11

Yousmell I don't need a book on how to tame my toddler I know very well how to discipline her and what works!

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 17:27:13

Swallow I cannot afford to set myself up in a home I have no furniture and my mum wouldn't even allow me to take my bed when I moved out with exp. that's the only reason I did not get. House in the first place dm is in a lot of debt and only gets 100 a week plus housing benefit I'm covering most of the bills on the house and while im doing that I have no safe money to save up round her flats are about 450-500 and I'd need about 1000 to even get a place (have no chance)hmm

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 17:34:10

Folkelf I act more like an adult than my mum does if you exclude today's events! I shudnt make childish remarks but I have reached breaking point! If she wants to comment on my parent I don't no why she doesn't comment when she thinks I've down soemthjng good ..instead it's always a negative. Either I'm too harsh or shes playing with too many toys or I don't keep her in the bath long enough!! I wouldn't be like this with my daughter! I would offer support when she needed and backed off when she's doing ok!

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 17:36:46

Then you have power here.

Don't you see that?

You sit down with your mum and you point out to her that she needs you more than you need her.

If you are covering most of the bills already, then do your sums. You may find you can afford a place of your own. Even a one bed flat that is all yours would be better than living like this.

You may need to sacrifice and live in a less than ideal place, but you have to choose.

Stay like this or not.

Read what you're putting - your mum won't allow... your mum 'tells you off'... your mum yells at you... your mum yells at your child.

Your mum gets only £100 a week. has lots of debt. you cover the bills.

If you don't see the strength of your position, I don't think any of us here can help you to.

there are a zillion ways for a single mum to get help with buying basic furniture. you're making excuses. you moved out from mummy to partner and back from partner to mummy.

there are ways out and into independence if you want them.

how old are you btw?

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 17:43:34

Hecate and swallowed are right.

What area are you in?

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 17:43:45

Yes. Furniture projects, freecycle, ss grants, etc.

the SVP here has, according to my mother whose on it's board, furnished a whole housing estate and buys endless cookers, freezers, etc.

and yy to freecycle. there's a cot, a pushchair, a spare wardrobe and sofa here that anyone would be welcome to if everyone on freecycle here wasn't after flat screen tvs and laptops.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:07:18

Swallow? Making excuses? Nope I'm
Not ! I no what independence is when mod in with ex p I stored everything out viewed the house filled out the forms went and got the furniture etc delt with bills while Exp played on his xbox! I een have to help mum out in terms of phoning companies sorting her debts out and arranging payment plans etc. just because someone is bossy to me doesn't make them more independent than me!!! I wasn't aware of places that help with furniture. We have a scheme in this area that helps people with housing but I do not qualify for it I am also on the council list but at the bottom of the list on the lowest 'needing' band. I also have a small list of necessity furniture that I would need as I move in if it was not already provided in the property... I've got myself figured out! I would still struggle exceptionally financially! I would still like savings behind me before moving and like I said my mum has many debts and my money covers the bills (almost) I couldn't just stop paying them! As much as I hater her for how she is she is my mum and knowing how much debt she is in, how
Can I leave her knowing that she cannot afford one bill if I leave? She has 100 a week and 95 goes on set repayments! Believe me I am making no excuses! I really do want to move but that stops me! I check estate agents everyday to see what I can find. I am in Nottinghamshire but I don't want to disclose anymore than that and I'm 23 smile

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:14:13

You can take control and tell her straight that without you and your financial contribution, she would be up shit creek in a concrete canoe and these are the changes she needs to make, or you're walking.
But yes. You could leave her to it if you wanted to.
You are choosing not to.
That's your choice, but you have to accept that it is your choice.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:17:12

OP, I understand your frustration at being 'told' how to parent your child. It sounds very much like you 'give in' to what your mother wants to appease your mother.
Perhaps you begin with good intentions of doing things your own way with your DD, but then your mother steps in, and tells you where she thinks you are going wrong, or takes over completely, and you try to explain why you are doing what you are doing, but perhaps your mother doesn't take much notice so you take a step back because you are sick and tired of everyone being upset with you.

Is that kind of what it's like?

If it is, be very careful OP. If your mother pushes enough and you crumble and let your mother make the decisions wrt your DD, your DD will grow up to play you and your mother off against each other long after you have moved out. Your DD will see your mother as the person who is to be taken notice of, not you. Your DD will grow up to have less respect for you than she would have had if you had made it clear to your mother that it is your choice how you discipline your DD.

By standing up to your mother, you are clearly showing your DD that you are in charge AFA your DD is concerned, thus lessening considerably the chances of your DD playing you off against each other for years to come.

I also second what everyone else has said about moving out.

Also, when you let go of the reigns, and let your mother decide what will happen wrt your DD, does this make your mother realise her method of discipline doesn't work for you and your DD? I imagine not.

I don't think your mother is showing you much respect tbh, and what do you think it is showing your DD when someone who lacks respect for you is getting what they want, after showing you no respect?? hmm

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:17:24

How much are you managing to save while paying most of the bills?
How long will it take you to get together the money you feel you need?
If what's stopping you going is how your mum will cope-doesn't that mean you'll have to live with her forever?
If not, then what's the difference when you leave? At some point you'll have to hand responsibility for her life, debts, choices... back to her

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:23:27

Yes that is what it's like but I can't say anything because then we end up in a massive row. It gets more complicated by me saying I wudnt be living with her forever, as my dad plans to move here when he retired (3 Year ish) (yes there together ad life km different parts of the country... Very strange I know!) so I would get out . She knows she would be up shit creak but think it slips her mind every no and again.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:25:20

Oh and forgot to say my money doesn't cover all the bills so some have to be missed I.e quarterly bill has to go on payment card because we
Can't pay it straight off ... So my savings currently.... Well actually probably in the minus coz phone bill goes out tomorro!! shockBloody shockthing!

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:33:59

If you can't move out straightaway, you need to remind your mother quite firmly every time she does this that you are handling the situation, you will do things the way you think is right, you do not need her help with disciplining DD thank you very much.

This has too many far reaching consequences for you to just remain silent and do nothing.

If your mother has this effect on you, you really need to move out, regardless of your mothers debts etc.

Do you 'give in' to your mother a lot to prevent a massive row? When you have a massive row, are you usually the one to back down, even when you don't think you are wrong, to restore peace?

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:47:28

I don't give in to her as such we
Argue really bad so when we do like tonight I stay in my room! Baring in mind we argued about 3ish? I think I've been upstairs since and will stay up here til tomorrow . Otherwise we end up clashing. It happens this bad about once a week? Maybe once every 10days?? We disagree over stuff everyday though! I'm the se
With my dad I'm too ;(probably childish) to want to be told what to do! I argued with my dad the other day because we went into a restaurant and where the waitress had told us to go Dds pushchair wouldn't fit I told dad to tell her and he wouldn't he just walked away I was stood for ages before a couple actually picked there table up and moved it about 2 meters so I could get past! Then it was my fault for making a fuss :/ that's why I'm moving when dad moves in. My dad wants me to find someone and move out so when he does come back here he wouldn't let me go without if I told him I was moving he would help with things like a fridge etc.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:48:23

Well, you can say something but you choose not to because you prefer to not say anything over having a row.

That again, is your choice.

If it slips her mind, unslip it. Every. Single. Time.

Things will not change until you are living separately.

At the moment, you are choosing to stay and pay her bills. This is the price you are paying.

When you decide it is no longer worth the price you are paying - you will make a different choice.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:50:15

You honestly do read like a teenager.

I am nearly 40 and I feel like I'm 15 if I spend too long with my parents grin

It happens.

you have got to stop arguing with them. Change this weird dynamic you have with them where they are the authority and you are the child.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:59:24

Why didn't you mention it to the waitress yourself? hmm

Now that you have gone to your room, is your DD with you?
Is your mother in her room?


utter mess.

how does a mum sulk in her bedroom for half a day and all night when she has a young child to look after? and what the hell is your dd learning from all this madness?

i'm going to step away because i don't think you are at all ready to take any personal accountability for your life and it will be an endless sea of yeah buts.

i've lived on minimum benefits with a child to look after single handed before so i know it's perfectly doable if you pull your big girl's pants up and grow up and act responsibly. doesn't sound like you're ready to do that and tbh i feel really sorry for your dd that she's in the middle of this JK mess.

and last question is why on earth should your retiring father have to buy you a fridge?????

you're a grown woman who has brought a child into the world.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:09:20

I choose not to as it causes more tension, more arguments and it is easier to stay out the way! Swallow I am not sulking I am taking myself away from the ' mess' and Infact me and dd have had a great afternoon suing games and watching movies in 'mummies' room which she is non the wiser now about what happened earlier ! If it had been a week day I would have gone out for a few hours but shops shut a 4 and none of my friends were free. It is honestly just because we live together wen i lived away from home I had non of this.

sorry bit more - the idea that you would let your young child do whatever she likes and ignore her behaviour (ergo her) to make a point to your mother is shocking. think about it. you're actually saying you'll abdicate taking care of, guiding, ensuring the good emotional state and well being of your daughter to win a point in an argument with your mother.

i really think you need to have a good long straight think and get honest with yourself. i suspect you'll just throw a fit at me instead though.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:19:34

ok. I know I am wasting my time here, but just because something is easier does not mean it is the right or best thing.

Easier in the short term = harder in the long term.

You have to be a parent to your child independent of the relationship you have with your mother.

You don't seem able to achieve that under the same roof, yet you won't leave and you won't set boundaries with your mother and you appear to have convinced yourself that you are trapped in this situation or that you have some sort of obligation to be your mother's financial buffer.

Your daughter WILL come to pick up on how you live. It WILL come to affect her. She will see you being a child to your mother and will see your mother as the parent. Will this make her lose respect for you as her parent? Only time will tell. It WILL affect your relationship with her though and your relationship with your mother may well break down completely in time.

You really do need to think about how you want your life to be in 5 years, in 10 years.

It's not as far away as you probably think.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:20:41

Nope why would I throw a fit? I'm not a child? However I do feel your beig slightly rude! And could have been a bit nicer!! The whole idea of 'letting my child do as she pleases' was yes today so she didn't cry although I did tell her no when she was going to do
Something to Hurt herself but, he worst she did today was
Lick a mirror and jump up and down on the floor? The main question behind it was would it be easier of I just let my mum take over disciplining her because we clash at every point. I will say no she will
Say yes and it is getting confusing for dd. until I move this will not be resolved completely as I said that's a couple of years off yet but otherwise we are just going to continue like this. In fact after watching a film dd was very calm and the well behaved child I knew before unmoved back in with my mum! She used to be a child that didn't even need disciplining! She could be told no once and that was it! Excluding the rare tantrums she used to have thanks to the dreaded terrible
2s hmm

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:23:58

So you are actually asking if you should abdicate your parental responsibility to your mother because it's too hard to parent your daughter with your mother in your ear?

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:29:33

I didn't say it's too hard it's pretty easy to carry on arguing with her about it. I will tell her that it's not right and that I decide why happens and when and why but until I move out I'm stuck! Even if I plan to move now it would take me about 6months and ignoring a few bills to gather enough money for a deposits and first months rent. Wat til then? My mum is stubborn just like me! Neither will back down! I'm simply saying wat do I do? In the meantime? Your right in that dd will pick up and i don't want that to happen so If mum goes to discipline her and i don't agree should I Leave it that's what I'm
Saying. When my mum is around if she tells her off before me and I think it's wrong should I correct her coz that in itself will confuse dd.

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:29:55

Yes it would be easier to let your mother take over the disciplining/parenting of your child.

Destructive and absolutely the wrong thing to do, but definitely easier.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:32:46

How would she be parenting her completely? I don't get that if mum thinks she's making too much noise and she tells her off butbid think she's ok but don't say anything how is that in anyway abdicating my parental responsibilities or letting her take over parenting of my daughter?

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:34:52

Right you just need to tell your mum to butt out of disciplining her altogether!

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:35:47

Don't argue with her.

Have you heard of something called the Broken Record technique?

you choose a phrase, or a couple of phrases and you calmly repeat them.


X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"

click here

You do not have to get into arguments with her.

And you ignore your mother.

you don't argue with her. You don't walk away from what you are doing with your child. you don't sit back while your mother takes over.

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:39:21

^^ do that!!

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:41:37

hecate that is actually a
Good ideablush ..... Will try that tomorro and see what happens. I don't want to be so rude that she refuses to do
Anything at all
With dd coz like I said her help with Dds problems are invaluable it's just the discipline area, hopefully it will work Thankyou smile

apostropheuse Sun 30-Dec-12 19:49:02

If you can't get on with your mother, and she can't step back and realise that
she is the grandmother and not the parent, then you have to get your own accommodation, no matter how difficult you think it's going to be.

It's absolutely unfair on your child to live with this confusion and instability.

It's perfectly possible to have grandparents/parents/children living in the one household, but in order for this to be successful you need the adults concerned to be mature, sensible and reasonable.

When my grandson asks me for something I reply along the lines of..."Have you asked your mum? She's in charge"

When he says Mum won't give me/let me etc I reply..."She''s the boss, she decides what happens".

Obviously if I'm at home looking after him and my daughter's out then I make a decision - but always based on what I know/think my daughter would do were she there.

On the very odd occasion my daughter does something I don't necessarily agree with I shut my mouth and mind my own business - because I'm not the parent and obviously unless there was a serious issue of safety then it wouldn't be my place to voice my opinion. Thankfully that's never happened.

You also need to have your own space to retreat to within the home, even if it's just your own bedroom after you child has gone to bed. Turn it into a mini-sitting room with TV etc if you can. You can't be on top of one another all the time.

You also cannot abdicate responsibility for your own child's upbringing/discipline just to teach your mother a lesson. That's just daft.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:57:14

grin well, I was about due a good idea.

It's been a fair while grin

We aren't trying to be mean to you, or kick you while you're down, please believe that.

It's just that it's a lot clearer from out here than it appears to be from where you are and although it probably doesn't feel like it to you right now, we're on your side here and we're trying to help you.

so you're prepared to write off a couple of years of your dd's childhood living like this because you are 'stuck'?

what do you think other people do? what do other single parents do? what do other people who haven't got loads of money do? how do other people get a home? how do they get fridges and furniture?

are you extra special in some way that we are not aware of?

i know i'm being harsh - lots will hold your hand - but i don't think you're doing yourself any favours with this whole learned helplessness crap. it may have worked pre children but it is not a strategy you can have AND be a parent worth having.

i think you can step up. either to sort things out with your mother and get in control of your temper and ignore hers or to get on and out and on with your life. not by meeting the next man or daddy coming home and rescuing you but by finally doing the adult trip.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 20:03:34

Thankyou smile

i perhaps have been a bit too harsh. please know none of it was said to try and be mean or to make you feel bad. hope things are calm at home now.

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