To give DP hell when he gets home?

(129 Posts)
Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 19:51:08

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

CailinDana Sat 29-Dec-12 19:58:25

Rather than giving him hell I think you need to arrange a time to sit down and properly talk about what's going on. Some people react very badly to stress, and while that doesn't excuse your DP's actions at all, I think going at him about it all guns blazing won't help and it won't resolve anything. You need to lay your cards on the table - explain you understand he's upset and stressed but you need him to step up now and stop acting like a child. Let him talk a bit about how he feels and try to reach an understanding. You are going to need genuine, reliable support in the coming months and you need to find out pretty fast if your DP is going to give that or let you down. Now's not the time for fighting and sulking, it's the time to face what's ahead together. What you need to be prepared for is the possibility that he isn't prepared to support you.

So sorry to hear you're not well, and that you have to face the very hard prospect of not having biological children. Good luck with your treatment.

IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:00:25

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and what it means for you.

He certainly needs telling all of what you have said in your OP.

Probably pretty much the same as you have written it. He is being a self absorbed twat, but with reason. But that doesn't make it excusable, you just need to chat, maybe have a bit of a shout, calm down and re connect. Tell him you know it's hard for him, but it's also insanely hard for you. There's probably a lot that needs to be said and expressed, and I'm guessing, if this was my relationship, and my and my DP, we would have a row about the going out etc, he would say he is struggling, I'd say I need him, and then we would end up realising we need to come together to get through this.

I hope you get this all sorted out, and you will be able to support each other through it.

Doshusallie Sat 29-Dec-12 20:02:27

Gosh what a lot to cope with.

Firstly very sorry to hear about your diagnosis, excellent that you have a treatment plan and actions in place. Devastating about the ttc thing, and those two things in themselves are a lot for anyone to cope with. Your dP is clearly doing the head in the sand thing, which is how he is coping but that doesn't help you.

The new York thing, whilst disappointing, isn't, IMO, as impact full as the other life changes you are facing - ny isn't going anywhere, you can work there some other time?

IME having a go will only drive him further away. He is is being hurtful, immature and selfish. When the moment is right you need to get him to talk to you and explain how his behaviour is adding to our stress and whilst you know he is disappointed too, you need him, and rely on him and you need to face these issues together and talk. If you have been together so long, he must love you enough to get this eventually. Unfortunate that you are having to be the grown up here but not unusual in the male/female dynamic.

I am sorry for your troubles and wish you all the best.

IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:05:15

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and what it means for you.

He certainly needs telling all of what you have said in your OP.

Probably pretty much the same as you have written it. He is being a self absorbed twat, but with reason. But that doesn't make it excusable, you just need to chat, maybe have a bit of a shout, calm down and re connect. Tell him you know it's hard for him, but it's also insanely hard for you. There's probably a lot that needs to be said and expressed, and I'm guessing, if this was my relationship, and my and my DP, we would have a row about the going out etc, he would say he is struggling, I'd say I need him, and then we would end up realising we need to come together to get through this.

I hope you get this all sorted out, and you will be able to support each other through it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 29-Dec-12 20:07:08

I think the next time he goes on about New York i would just say "i have cancer you twat!"

Sorry to hear all that you are going through, that's really hard.

(I realise the other posts are much more helpful than mine)

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 29-Dec-12 20:07:59

I think the next time he goes on about New York i would just say "i have cancer you twat!"

Sorry to hear all that you are going through, that's really hard.

(I realise the other posts are much more helpful than mine)

McNewPants2013 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:14:42

Hope you recover quickly.

There is a chance to have children, there are people who will be a surrogate. Perhaps this is something to think about.

I bet you and DP are in shock ATM so you need to talk about it.

TalkativeJim Sat 29-Dec-12 20:14:47

I saw your other thread and I'm truly sorry to hear of your diagnosis - I wish you all the best for your treatment.

Have a go at him? In all honesty, if it were me there would be no way I'd be letting him back in the house right now.

Weak, selfish, whining, despicable, despicable, despicable behaviour. And you had your diagnosis before Xmas and news of the hysterectomy at least a short while ago, so it's not really as if you can excuse this with 'He's in shock'.

Have you faced anything really big together before? Because the saying that sprints to mind is '...when the chips are down.' The chips are down, and THIS is the level of support you get from your partner?

I can guarantee that anyone you tell the story of the last couple of days to would be disgusted with the spineless whining self-bag your P has shown himself to be.

I would be texting him to inform him that if these are his true colours, you are shocked and sad, but ultimately grateful to know what kind of a shit he is. That now you have been shown, very clearly, what level of support the likes of him are able to give, that you don't see any point in him coming home at any time of the morning. That the doors will be locked, so find somewhere else to go and have his pity party as the one in the relationship that, err, doesn't have cancer and isn't facing a huge operation in the coming weeks. Wish him good luck with explaining why he's out on his ear to his family and friends and warn him he'd best look away while he does it so as not to see the disgust in their faces.

Maybe he IS having some sort of breakdown about it all, but... No, sorry. Anyone who can indulge themselves like this while their partner is standing in front of them suffering and shocked is quite frankly a selfish, self-obsessed bastard.

I'm so glad you have your mum and family around you. Tell him to fuck off until he not only changes his tune but offers you a full explanation for his disgusting behaviour (don't hold your breath!) and spend your time with those who truly care for you.

I'm sorry that he's making this terrible time so much worse.

Good luck for a full recovery, and I have no doubt that in the future you will be a mother - and an excellent one to boot!

McNewPants2013 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:19:25

That assuming the overys can be saved

SugaricePlumFairy Sat 29-Dec-12 20:24:35

I'm so sorry about your dx and the hysterectomy.

Firstly I'd say he's in turmoil as you are and isn't able to cope with the operation you're going to have let alone the subsequent treatment.

He is frightened at the thought of losing you I think and is struggling to process his thoughts.

I have had a hysterectomy recently and without the added stresses you are undertaking it is hugely upsetting.

I think you should ask him if he is scared .

Apologies if I'm dead slow, I am a crap typer!.

I'd be inclined to pack an overnight bag and go to stay with friends or family who can support you right now.

Let him know where you are and that you are ready to talk when he's stopped thinking about himself.

Montybojangles Sat 29-Dec-12 20:25:28

I'm so sorry to hear your news, you must be going through hell.
I think you need to tell him straight to get a grip and start supporting you. Yes, it's having an effect on both your lives, but you have cancer, not him.
I think I would go with fuckadoodlepoopoos to the point way of telling him, might be what he needs.

Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 20:42:09

Still no sign of DP, I've texted him (again) but no reply sad my mum stayed the night last night but had to go home earlier as she's working tonight. Good suggestion to sit down and talk to him, the trouble is I need to made contact with him to talk to him [sigh]

The issue with the NY thing I think in his mind is that I might not he offered work out there again, in which case this wouldn't be a possibility again. But that isn't really the priority ATM, which is what he seems to be struggling to get his head around.

quoteunquote Sat 29-Dec-12 20:49:35

I wold be kind, and give some space for a conversation, if he can articulate what he is feeling,

Grief is different for everyone, He has gone from potentially a father, new life in NY, with the woman he loves, to no potential child, no new adventure, and his partner might die. and having to put a brave face on it with family over christmas.

If he was a nicer enough bloke to want to have babies with not very long ago then it might be that he is having difficulty processing the new possibilities.

It's very easy when you first have cancer to not realise how much it is effecting everyone else. It quite self consuming, as well as overwhelming.

Give him slack, he has a lot to get his head round, he will feel angry and helpless at the situation, he may be avoiding you as he doesn't want to burden you further,

try to keep communication, you have a long energy sapping time ahead, pace yourself.

SugaricePlumFairy Sat 29-Dec-12 21:15:20

I was just like your dh , it was me having the surgery and 3 children to think of but I just could not openly discuss it with my husband, I would cringe and change the subject.

I only felt happy openly talking with dh about it in a hospital setting, I don't know why but that was how it was. I think I was scared of discussing death.

We have been married 21 years and are very happy but I hated that period of stress and my ill health, I would brush off all talk at all costs.

EuroShagmore Sat 29-Dec-12 21:20:23

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, OP. I saw your other thread about the diagnosis.

Stress and feelings of helplessness can do strange things to people. When my grandad died a few years ago and my mum was being tested to see if her breast cancer had come back (it had), I went out drinking loads, texting stupid passive aggressive shyte to my ex (who turned out to be a great support and is now my husband). I can't articulate why I did it exactly. It was just my way of trying to block out the hurt.

He is being a twat and it's not helpful to you at the moment, but don't think for a moment he doesn't care. He's just having a bit of a freak out. My suggestion would be to lean on other people (friends, family) until he gets his head together enough to be the support you need.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 29-Dec-12 22:04:35

I also saw your other thread and I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. I'd have hoped your DP would have come round by now but it seems he's still behaving like a petulant child. No doubt he'll wake you up tonight at some godforsaken hour again, which is not what you need. I'd be tempted to text and tell him not to bother, then put the chain on. Alternatively, if he's so fond of notes, you could write him a letter explaining that you need to sit down and discuss the situation like adults and that you need his support - would he respond to a letter?

I know he's got a lot to get his head around but you are the priority right now. Not New York, or work, or even kids. You. I think you need to work out in your head how long you're willing to give him for self-indulgent wallowing before reading him the riot act. And stick to it. You don't need his shit right now, you really don't.

Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 22:39:14

sugarice no I completely understand what you're saying, good point, thanks. DP has been a bit useless as far as the hospital appointments go too actually though trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I do want him to stay sad

Contemplating my next move now, I'm going to see if he turns up before I go to bed, if not i might well end up locking the door. Tried calling and texting etc all evening, heard nothing so far sad

SugaricePlumFairy Sat 29-Dec-12 23:00:12

I don't wish to completely excuse your dp's lack of thought.

It's dreadful that he had buggered off and become unreachable when it's you who is needing support and love.

He has to want to support you especially when hospital dates come through, he must step up to the mark as a partner soon.

tinkletinklestar Sat 29-Dec-12 23:03:11

Has he ever done this kind of thing before op??

Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 23:18:15

He's honestly never done anything like this before, he's always been really supportive, it's quite a scary transformation actually sad still no sign, thinking of following advice and locking him out sad

milf90 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:26:10

I'm so sorry, he should be there supporting you, not abandoning you like this. Do you think counselling might help?its a huge thing to get his head round too, I think the family are so,entires forgotten (understandably!) and sometimes need that help too x

oldpeculiar Sun 30-Dec-12 00:21:06

I'm really really sorry to hear your news.
I don't think there is any point in giving him hell.He is in shock and frightened and trying to shut it all out I think.I know it seems harsh and callous and unfair, but people can only cope with what they can cope with, and getting cross isn't going to change that.I think he needs some counselling

BettySuarez Sun 30-Dec-12 00:25:36

I would be tempted to lock him out too to be honest sad

If nothing else, it might force him to start a dialogue with you so that you can eventually get to the bottom of this.

So sorry to hear your news sad

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Sun 30-Dec-12 02:39:17

I must be the only one feeling quite sorry for him, the life he fought he was having is now gone, his partner has cancer and he will never have a bio child with her.

His partner is also having major surgery and treatment for cancer.

It's a lot to cope with, he proberly just needs time to think and come to terms with his life.

Delayingtactic Sun 30-Dec-12 02:59:26

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hopefully he's home now and you can have a proper chat.

Whilst I get that this must be shocking for him and deeply upsetting too, now is not the time for him to get to grips with it. You need support and care for you whilst you undergo treatment for cancer. You need to feel like someone is stood next to you making sure at least your emotional needs are taken care of. Yes this will mean a rethink of future plans but this should at least be partly done together.

A proper chat may mean he sees how his behaviour is particularly hurtful.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 03:11:09

I'm so sorry to hear you have CC & are facing a H. Devastating news sad x

No matter how life changing and upsetting this is for him, it is worse for you. His feelings do not come first, yours do. Stupid, shirking, shit needs a good talking to and a kick up the backside. Jesus wept, he's supposed to be looking after you, protecting you, helping you, supporting you - not moping and whining about fucking New York...and then fucking vanishing. I am so angry at him for doing this to you - your Mum must be ready to kill him with her bare hands.

He needs to grow the fuck up - and fast. If he's going to bring you further down and not support you, he needs to fuck off and make room for people who will be there for you.


<Big Hugs>

Hope I hope you are getting some rest and are able to talk to your DP tomorrow. I've read this thread, alternating between fuming on your behalf, feeling so bad for you, feeling a bit sorry for your DP, and then back to fuming. What a shit time for him to be adding to your emotional quagmire. You have enough emotions and feelings of loss and likely fear to sort out without him adding extra layers if you ask me. But I also understand that this is happening "to him". I hope he has gotten whatever it is out of his system and can sit down with you and hold you and talk with you about your future together.

FWIW (not much really), my mum had a full hysterectomy following a cervical cancer dx and she has been cancer-free for coming up to 20 years now.

Have an un-MN {{{hug}}}

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Sun 30-Dec-12 03:15:57

I'm so sorry. Your lives couldn't really have been turned upside any more could they.

Is this the first time in hos life he's had to deal with something so serious? He does sound like he's struggling to cope. Do he have anyone to talk too? Either way he needs telling how out of order he is being. Yes he's got stuff to deal with but the first priority should be getting you through your surgery.

whatatwat Sun 30-Dec-12 08:15:04

hey, you are both going through hell, you both need to try to find a way to communicate, some people will find opening up really hard when they . are scared or feeling useless.
how are you this morning?

Ponyinthepool Sun 30-Dec-12 08:46:07

He's clearly terrified, as anyone in his shoes would be, and he's withdrawing so he can process things without you seeing how petrified he is. It's probably easier for him to focus on the NY side of things than the elephant in the room he has no idea how to confront.

That being said, absolutely give him hell. He knows his behaviour is unfair on you and will be expecting it.

yousmell Sun 30-Dec-12 08:52:52

You are both having a very tough time. Try and pull together and get through it. If he isn't there for you during this important time, can you go and stay with family/friends.

mummytime Sun 30-Dec-12 08:59:06

Do you have any contact with anyone like McMillan nurses? If not, do search them and talk o them. Then try to get your H to do the same. Does he have a good friend or parents who could contact him and let him know what an idiot he is being?

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 30-Dec-12 09:20:10

I feel bad for you both.

He's not being fair on you, but I also think he may get over this quicker if you give him the space he needs. No more calls and texts.

He obviously can't take it and needs to hibernate his thoughts. Some people process things by withdrawing and shutting down for a while.

This is something which does also significantly affect him and he needs time to grieve in his own way.

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 30-Dec-12 09:20:55

Morning Hope

How are things this morning?

diddl Sun 30-Dec-12 09:27:07

He´s struggling with it all??

How the fuck does he think OP feels?

And he´s not even there for her!

If he´s so keen on NY-he can look for a job out there himself!!

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sun 30-Dec-12 09:44:27

I second Binks' advice not to call or text again for now. Try to treat it as if he has gone away for say a week. Make plans for New Year's Eve for yourself, either at a friend's or go to a spa or something. You need time to process this too and I would focus on you now. It's what he is doing!

What would you do if he was not in the picture? Would you still adopt, try to Oslo in New York? You probably don't know yet but these are questions to think about.

MrsTomHardy Sun 30-Dec-12 11:27:28

I wouldn't be calling or texting him.

Sorry about your diagnosis but he is being an arse.

PessaryPam Sun 30-Dec-12 11:46:49

I would go home to your parents if possible. You need looking after at the moment, which should b his job but he has shown you what he is really like. So sad for you.

Autumnchill Sun 30-Dec-12 11:49:54

Really sorry about all the crap that has arrived at your doorstep.

I think I would be texting him and saying that if he doesn't acknowledge he is alive and well then I will be calling the Police. Without adding worry, are you confident that nothing has happened to him?

Jojobells1986 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:58:13

If my DH suddenly started avoiding me like that I think I'd pack a bag & go stay with my parents. I'd leave a note in an obvious place, since that's apparently now a valid way of communicating, explaining where I was & that I'd come home when he'd had sufficient time/space to sort his head out. I'd also write down important phone numbers for him 'just incase he's lost his phone...' but I do tend to be a little passive-aggressive at times!

Hope he sorts himself out & realises what's important soon! Look after yourself. smile

Hopeandbluebells Sun 30-Dec-12 13:15:12

An update: DP arrived home last night around 4am, stank of cigarettes and alcohol (he doesn't smoke). Turned all the lights on again, woke me up, I told him this couldn't go on and we needed to talk. He said he didn't see what there was to talk about among other things, it got fairly unpleasant so I said perhaps we needed to give each other some space. He packed a bag then and there and left his keys on the table, I'm assuming he's gone to his parents.

He's honestly never done anything like this before sad

Montybojangles Sun 30-Dec-12 13:20:35

I would imagine his mother will be making his life a living hell this morning if that's any consolation. Hope he comes to his senses ASAP
Do you have friends/family you can go and stay with for a day or 2 for some moral and emotional support? (hug)

Montybojangles Sun 30-Dec-12 13:20:47

I would imagine his mother will be making his life a living hell this morning if that's any consolation. Hope he comes to his senses ASAP
Do you have friends/family you can go and stay with for a day or 2 for some moral and emotional support? (hug)

Autumnchill Sun 30-Dec-12 13:40:05

sad I can't possibly understand what you are going through now but I think you need some RL comfort. Is there anywhere you can go?

quoteunquote Sun 30-Dec-12 13:43:04

He's honestly never done anything like this before

neither of you have been through anything like this before, give yourselves sometime,

I know it feels like an overwhelming wall of water, you will get through it, It's really frightening at the stage you are at, it gets better, more manageable.

get on with other things, keep busy.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 13:45:03

sounds to me like he was just waiting to be told he could go. sad so he isn't the bad guy who walked out on his partner when she was facing the toughest time of her entire life.

I am sure it's hard for him. But that doesn't give him the right to run away.

He's shown you that when you need him the very most - he won't be there.

I'm not sure how you move on from that.

Take care of yourself.

Maybe he'll realise what he's done and come back, with great apologies and talk and be there for you and with you. But if he doesn't - do you have other people you can lean on right now?

SantasHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 13:52:41

He needs to go away and take a long hard look at himself. So his plans for the future have been changed beyond his control but hey, that's life. You deserve love and support right now and if he doesn't come to that conclusion soon then I'm afraid you're better off without him.

I wish you all the best throughout your treatment and as well as support in real life, you'll always have your friends here on MN for support too.x

I think you need to stop thinking about him tbh

Go and stay with your family and put yourself first. All this stress is not going to do you any good. You need to be looked after.

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 30-Dec-12 13:59:34

How utterly selfish and nasty of him to treat you like this.

Initially I had some sympathy for him but not now after your last post, sounds like he couldn't get away quick enough.

Don't think about trying to contact him, let him come to you.

Thinking of you (((((((hugs)))))))).

cheekybaubles Sun 30-Dec-12 14:00:42

Is there anyone else other than your DM that you can rely on?

As far as he is concerned as a life partner he well and truly sucks. I know poor him he is in shock too but for god's sake it's YOU it's happening to and he should be supporting you. I am afraid I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, if a wife was acting like him she would be well and truly slated.

I hope to god you are not feeling any ill affects at the moment but you will when your treatment starts and he should be helping you face that and just give you someone to cry on when you are scared.

If I was his DM he would be out on his arse until he bloody well grew up.

Please let us know if you have any other, more reliable, suppoort?

Well wishes.

ZebraInHiding Sun 30-Dec-12 14:09:53

I don't have any advice, but couldn't read and not reply. Un mn hugs to you. X

He said he didn't see what there was to talk about

I am speechless at that. What? What????

OP how awful. I hope you have some solid RL support.

Hugs to you.

SantasENormaSnob Sun 30-Dec-12 15:02:30

Oh sweetheart sad

Go to your parents or friends. Someone that loves you and can look after you.

His behaviour is deplorable, there are no excuses.

He has shown his true colours.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 30-Dec-12 15:07:19

Defence mechanism? If he's angry and pissed off at you he doesn't have to sad and scared? I saw my df do something similar to my dm, it's shitty as hell. He's (uselessly) remorseful of it now. I think the fact he was absolutely helpless to do anything but be an emotional support made him take control of the only thing he could and be a bastard. It's cowardly, but i've see a couple of variations on the theme since.

I saw your other thread too op, and truly feel for you, you don't have to fix whatever it is he's struggling with and you don't have to forgive him should he face up to what a cunt he's currently been. You do have to concentrate on yourself and try to surround yourself with people who are supportive. I second going to your mums if you can.


Oh he's such a pig! Please gather your support network around you, you need them right now and concentrate on you. A previous poster is completely right, he is behaving like a petulant child- you do not need this at the moment.

<hugs and strength>

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 15:12:13

He's a worthless cunt.

I'm sorry you are finding that out at a time like this.

You can't expect anything from him.

All you can do is concentrate on what you need to get through your treatment.

oldpeculiar Sun 30-Dec-12 15:32:45

It is harder in a way for the partner than the one it's happening to.They have all the fears and devastation but are also expected to be the strong one to be leaned upon.
None of us know the OPs husband and I think it is impossible to say whether he won't or can't face up to his responsibilities at the moment.
However that doesn't help OP.I really hope she has some strong loving family to support her.

BettySuarez Sun 30-Dec-12 15:41:51

Old Peculiar - have you read the OP's latest update???? !!!!

NaokHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 15:48:00

Oh OP, you're having such an awful time of things sad I agree this sounds like a defense mechanism, but that doesn't make it excusable. I hope his parents are giving him hell for the way he's treated you. I don't know him so I don't know if this is the real him or a temporary insanity, if you will, brought on by extreme stress and sadness, so I'm not going to cast judgment on that. You can't do anything to make this better right now though, that has to come from him, so try and concentrate on taking care of yourself. Can you call your mum or a friend so you have some support?

For what it's worth, last year, my uncle had a heart attack. This was only a few months after his wife, my aunt, also nearly died of heart problems. He dealt very badly (he's an awful patient at the best of times) and treated my aunt and my cousins like dirt. Eventually she lost her temper, phoned him in hospital (he refused to let her visit) and told him that if he was going to be like that, not to turn up at the house when they let him off the ward. She didn't hear from him for 24 hours, then he had flowers delivered, asked her to come visit, apologised in full, and - most importantly - actually sorted his shit out. It wasn't just words, he made it deeds too. So your DP may yet sort himself out, my uncle is, like you're saying your DP is, a fundamentally decent man so it may be that a few nights at his parents and someone asking him 'wtf is wrong with you' is the shock he needs.

quoteunquote Sun 30-Dec-12 15:54:58


I think what oldpaculiar is trying to say, as I and a few others are, it's also something he is going through,

until you experience it you cannot possible know what you reactions will be, hugely overwhelming, the loveliest most emotionally mature people find anyone of the situation hard, when you experience them all at once, it's really hard,

I have a lovely husband, we have been together for over 20 years, we have some dead children, we were told we would never have any,we were then very lucky, I nearly died, our eldest had a brain tumour, I now have cancer on chemo my wonderful husband has been through everything, the feelings of helplessness are very difficult,

I would never judge a person on their reactions to such situations, it is a long process, and if you are going to work through the process then every feeling is valid and deserves the attention it needs.

I think to many people believe the life issues can be solved in the same way a sitcoms tackle them, it all takes careful time, adding to stressful situations, with demands can only increase the likelihood of something giving way.

LemonBreeland Sun 30-Dec-12 15:57:20

What an awful situation. He sounds like a completely selfish bastard.

It sounds like now he's realised you can't give him what he wants in life that he has just checked out of the relationship.

How can he be so awful when you are facing cancer and all the treatment. I'm angry on your behalf. Take care of yourself and forget about him for now.

ByTheWay1 Sun 30-Dec-12 16:13:53

He does sound selfish - perhaps he wants his own kids more than you think.... to stay with you he has to give it up... it is a big thing to give up - so he will probably "make you" tell him to leave.

Hopeandbluebells Sun 30-Dec-12 17:33:19

I'm at my mum's now, she's working tonight but my brother's come round to keep me company- I now feel awful as I'm almost certain he had plans for tonight. I hadn't told him about the cc so all annoy of a shock to the system!

I haven't texted DP, but have had a number of strange texts from him, things like 'I'm sorry it has to be this way' hmm not see whether to reply to those or not, although dont really know what to say.

MrsTomHardy Sun 30-Dec-12 17:35:03

I wouldn't reply to anything today....take care of yourself.

Nancy66 Sun 30-Dec-12 17:43:32

Sorry to say but this isn't a guy who is planning on sticking around and seeing you through your illness.

he sounds like a worthless shit to me.

Concentrate on getting yourself better and being around people who DO care about you.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 17:53:28

He's dumping you by text after 8 years when you have cancer.

What a prince of a man.

What a nasty vile person. I'm sorry he's turned out this way. Don't reply to him. Switch your phone off. How kind of your brother to cancel his plans to be with you, take care of yourself. x

5madthings Sun 30-Dec-12 18:11:14

Couldn't read and not post.

Op I am so sorry you are dealing with this and that your dh is being such a twat! Yes its hard for him but offs running away isn't going to solve anything, he needs to grow the fuck up!

Op I am glad you have family support, I hope you have good friends as well, look after yourself and try and forget about dh for a bit.

Delayingtactic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:11:47

Jesus Hope. I'm so very sorry. I do kind of get the idea that he was waiting for your permission to bolt rather than be the fucking prickly who walked our on his partner with cancer.

I wouldn't text back. Let it all settle down and then perhaps after a few days ask to speak to him. It may be that he apologises and knuckles down to be the supportive man you need and be just needed a blow out. If he still doesn't get what's there to talk about you genuinely are better off without him.

shesariver Sun 30-Dec-12 18:28:21

God I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and wish you well for your treatment, which sadly it looks like you will be facing without him. I can truly understand a lot of his behaviour without excusing it but generally the shock should have worn off by now and he should be showing that he's prepared to support you. He is not doing this so the warning signs are there about his ability to support you emotionally during your treatment and all the trials ahead.

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings Sun 30-Dec-12 18:33:06

Op - I feel so very sad for you at the moment. I cannot possibly understand how you feel & what you're going through, so can't offer anything more than sympathy that you're also having to deal with your DP being so twattish.

Whilst I can understand that he may be overwhelmed & struggling to cope and this is so out of character, that may explain it accurately BUT you're the one with cancer. You've had as much of a shock & you're not acting out in this petulant manner.

I totally agree that you should ignore his texts, look after yourself & then in a day or 2 have a face to face conversation with him. If he won't talk to you, could you speak to his parents? At least to get closure if necessary...

Good luck - hopefully 2013 will be a better year than the end of 2012.

He is a twat. There is no excuse.

Please take care of yourself op, and surround yourself with good people.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 30-Dec-12 18:39:26

Couldn't read and not post.

So sorry about your dx and what the ramifications are for you. Your DP is behaving very badly indeed,that is a given. Whether he is just having an emotional wobble because he is frightened at losing you,at your future together changing from as planned or just being the most spineless toad to grade the planet isn't yet clear.

I truly hope it is the former not the latter. I'd ignore him for now,at least until he manages to send normal,less cryptic texts.

Take care of yourself OP.

Downandoutnumbered Sun 30-Dec-12 18:44:00

I'm so sorry (for the diagnosis and that you're having to deal with him behaving like this too). I agree with posters above who say you should ignore him for a few days and focus on yourself with your family's support. I wouldn't reply to his text. ((((Hugs)))) and best wishes for your treatment.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 18:44:16

i wasn't able to post before because i could see which way this was likely to go. i'm sorry. stay close to your family.

put him out of your mind and focus on taking care of yourself.

jaabaar Sun 30-Dec-12 18:46:46

So sorry about all you are going through and have to face. I wish you all the best.

Regarding DP, before starting huge arguments (which I would be tremendously tempted to do) seat down and have one last open discussion.
Try and show understanding and say you are willing to listen to how he feels and that you are aware that this is difficult for him too. But make sure you are very clear also about what you should expect from a DP!

Take it from there..... my DH is also not a great talker when faced with problems..... tries to avoid and thinks only in his head - I am NOT telepathic yet!

Please try a serious conversation first, and try to do it not after a huge argument. Try and do it whne you are both "calm".

I pray and think of you.


SarahWarahWoo Sun 30-Dec-12 18:47:01

Don't lock him out, thinking of you. Talking is what you need and big hug x

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 30-Dec-12 18:54:47

I'm looking for updates hoping you're going to say he's now pleading for your forgiveness but that isn't the case.sad.

I'm also of the opinion he's not got the guts and love to be the partner you really deserve .

Lots and lots of support here. smile

You will come through this.

Convict224 Sun 30-Dec-12 19:08:32

I'm sorry about your health, sorry about your impending surgery and sorry about you having to rethink your future family. I hope it all works out for you and whatever your future brings , I hope it is all good.

Your DP however is not manning up to your current challenges (bit of an understatement there...) I don't know what advice to offer. How do you feel about him now that he has stepped back from you and your problems? Do you feel you could ever want him as your partner after this?

Good luck OP and hugs...

Writehand Sun 30-Dec-12 19:45:25

I wouldn't lock him out, I'd go elsewhere and leave a note.

Do people not read the whole thread before posting?

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 19:52:19

no, why should they? there is no obligation.

MrsFlibble Sun 30-Dec-12 19:54:39

OP, Im sorry about your health troubles, and the fact after 8 years your OH has gone just like that, i can understand if he was taking it hard.

But to me it sounds like, tough gets going, OH goes with it.

Dont reply, turn phone, and concentrate on getting better, you can kick cancers arse, and hopefully find a man truely deserving of someone as strong as you.

No obligation at all. But consideration to the op would be nice, especially under these circumstances.

Good luck op, thinking of you.

My sister is undergoing treatment for breast cancer and when I see the way her dh treats her, I'd tell you you deserve better.

Your dp isnt half the man you need or deserve.

I pray you get through chemotherapy/operation as complication free as possible and hope you get the support of family and friends xx

SugarPasteSnowflake Sun 30-Dec-12 20:11:55

You will get through this. Cancer is a horrible thing but it sounds as if there is as good treatment plan in place for you.

What you don't need is that arsehole dragging you down. So he's disappointed about not going to NY? Well boo fucking hoo. He needs to grow the hell up and adjust his attitude.

If he doesn't then sack him off pronto, because if you can't rely on him when you've just had a cancer dx, then when the hell will you be able to?

katiecubs Sun 30-Dec-12 20:27:30

Peaceandlovebunny are you for real?!

It saves you posting irrelevant, thoughtless comments for one. Plus is a situation like this it shows a real lack if respect for the poster.

OP thinking of you x

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:48:54

I'm so sorry you've have such devastating news and are now having to deal with this fuckwittery on top.

I would have given your DP the benefit of the doubt right up until he packed his bags and walked out the door at the first available opportunity.

My nephew was 22 years old and 6 months out of uni when his girlfriend of 18 months was diagnosed with cancer. He stood by her through every minute of her treatment, put his career on hold, agreed to give up their own flat and moved with her to her parents so they had all the support they could need. He proposed within a fortnight of her getting the news that she was in remission, regardless of the fact it may affect their chance to have children of their own. They have now bought a house and are getting married in a few months.

If a lad of 22 in his first and only serious relationship can show that level of maturity, then your DP has no excuse whatsoever for his appalling behaviour.

Hopeandbluebells Sun 30-Dec-12 21:07:46

My mum wants to call his mum, I've told her not to, I'm an adult, feels like I'm hiding behind her IYSWIM.

Whether or not I would want him back after this I don't know, some of the things he's said we're rather hurtful, but then if he seems to have just handled it the wrong way... I don't know sad

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Sun 30-Dec-12 21:26:04

Hopeandbluebells - I am so sorry about your diagnosis and that your "d"p is being such a prize twunt on top of it. I can appreciate that it's awful to have your future change so suddenly and to be so scared for your partner, but nothing nothing justifies running away and effectively breaking up via text after 8 sodding years together.

You need and deserve someone so much more reliable at this time of your life and I hope your friends and family rally round you. Do take a moment to enjoy the fact that his friends and family will be utterly repulsed by his behaviour and will never think of him as anything other than a spineless weasel again.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 21:31:41

Peaceandlovebunny are you for real?!

absolutely. the whole point of a message board is the original post - it is to that which people respond.

katiecubs Sun 30-Dec-12 21:41:17

Things move on, OP's update! What's the point posting an irrelevant message?! thoughtless and lazy.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sun 30-Dec-12 21:41:35

Peaceandlovebunny is being just as helpful hmm over on the AP thread.

OP, so sorry this has happened. Agree with those saying he wanted 'permission' to go. In that case I would not give him what he is looking for - which I am guessing is more 'permission' to behave this way. I think it's by far the better choice to not communicate with him at all at this point, so don't reply to any texts or calls - but my response to 'I'm sorry it has to be this way' if making one, would be 'It doesn't, it's you who's choosing to be an utter cock, you utter cock'. If your mum does end up speaking to his, make sure she sticks to this line - he has chosen to behave this way. It's not an inevitable drifting apart, it is someone being cowardly and don't let him get away with any different. He doesn't sound like he wants to face the unpleasant reality of what he is doing.

apostropheuse Sun 30-Dec-12 21:46:27

I'm so sorry to read of your illness and your partner's response to it.

I hate to say this, but him saying "I'm sorry it has to be this way" by text I think means he wants the break-up. I hope I'm wrong and that he's just reacting badly and in shock. It sounds to me as if he was doing things in the hope that you would break up with him to save him having to do it to you. I'm wondering if not being able to have his own biological children is behind this.

I agree with the previous posters who said you should get your support from your family at this awful time. Let your mum and brothers and close friends support you and ignore the partner issue for now.

Take care of yourself.

Delalakis Sun 30-Dec-12 22:52:49

I must say I'm curious about how he justifies this behaviour to himself or his friends. People normally like to find some sort of justification for their own bad behaviour, even if it is a bit cockeyed. Can you imagine telling your mates or work colleagues that you've split up with your partner and it's because she's got cancer and you can't handle it? I hope that 99% of them would at the very least tell him to stop being a bloody idiot, get back and sort himself out. If he has a good friend I'd be tempted to contact them to try to suss out how his mind is working.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 22:57:41

what is the 'AP' thread? and i am always helpful. i just don't see things the way you do.

shesariver Sun 30-Dec-12 23:06:26

8peace* you can highlight all OPs posts in your settings you know.

HollaAtMeSanta Sun 30-Dec-12 23:10:22

So sorry, Hope. I don't have any advice other than keep doing what you're doing, but couldn't read and not answer. You are better off without this manchild. thanks

Is it bad of me to hope that when you are better you will get another chance to work in New York and will swan off there to live the Sex and the City dream without him?

Norem Sun 30-Dec-12 23:26:07

Hi op I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
My mum got breast cancer 21 years ago, my dad was hopeless in the extreme.
They were living abroad working for uk government when diagnosed, I found out my mum had a lump and was being flown into london( where I was ) from a man at the foreign office. Mum came to London had op and radiotherapy, all lasted about 8 weeks.
Dads " support" was one bunch of tulips via inter flora, he is a GP and all his patients love him because he is so caring!
Mum is thankfully fine and they remain happily married.
Looking back I think he must have just frozen and couldn't bear to think about it AT ALL.
If this is a total departure in behaviour from your dp maybe that is what is happening, he is freezing all thought and feeling in order to insulate himself from pain.
Good luck with your treatment and I hope your dp gets his head together xxx

MudCity Sun 30-Dec-12 23:41:50

So sorry to read your posts. What a horrible catalogue of events. He may come round in time. People can take a long time to process stuff...we all deal with things differently (and not always constructively). It may seem unreasonable that he is thinking of himself at this time but I guess quite a few people would react in the same way. Doesn't excuse crap behaviour but he isn't thinking logically and therefore won't be behaving as normal. Give him time and see what happens. In the meantime, look after yourself and consider what you want and need to get you through the next few days. Take care.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 23:42:51

8peace* you can highlight all OPs posts in your settings you know.

i can what? grin i can? no. you can. i don't know how!

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 30-Dec-12 23:57:44

Peace&love - have a look under the mumsnet talk link where you'd go to see all the forum boards listed and it's under there in talk > customise

Morloth Mon 31-Dec-12 00:55:59

OK, don't do anything right now.

Just stay with your mum for a bit, have a rest and try not to worry too much.

Right now everything is explosive. He isn't acting very well, but that doesn't mean it is all over.

Give yourself time. You don't need to make any decisions right this moment.

BonkeyMollocks Mon 31-Dec-12 01:05:46

Im sorry to hear this op.

I agree that he has probably just been waiting to be told to leave so he doesn't look the bad guy.

Thinking of you. X

Hope you are ok, op, wishing you lots of strength and happiness.

All the very best for the New Year. Hope you are okay.

MTBMummy Wed 02-Jan-13 12:56:58

Hope you're ok OP - and so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the impending H.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 02-Jan-13 13:06:32

I am so sorry OP, he sounds as if he just cannot cope with what is happening and is looking for a get out clause but the guilt is getting to him. Hard for you I hope all goes well for you, with or without him by your side sad

Hopeandbluebells Wed 02-Jan-13 16:51:24

An update: got a text earlier from him saying he was sorry to have to do this but he thinks he wants his "own" children too much, can we have a proper talk about it? Not really sure what I think about that tbh sad

Sugarice Wed 02-Jan-13 16:54:40

Hope I'm so sorry he's treating you like this sad.

He's clearly a massive twat and you will be well shot of him, he is thinking of himself and not the hell you're going through.

If you can stand it, tell him to fuck off and give him a bloody great slap from me while you're at it, he's a tosser and a cowardly one at that!

Xales Wed 02-Jan-13 17:00:28

Really sorry to hear what you are going through.

If he wants his own children so much would a surrogate with eggs and his sperm be acceptable to you and to him?

Is there any chance you could actually get some of your own eggs asap so that it is biologically yours and his even if someone else carries it?

If that is really his only problem there may be ways around it, if you can forgive him for the really shitty way he has treated you when you have needed his help!

Oh hope. Take your time, no need to reply straight away.

And when you do I hope you tell him that he is the most massive disappointment/twat ever.

EuroShagmore Wed 02-Jan-13 17:04:43

So not just a freak out then? sad

He is being very self-centred, but this is obviously a big life-changer for both of you. His priorities are all wrong, but you do probably both need to think calmly about options (if you don't just want to tell him to get bent). Could you save some eggs before the surgery (or keep your ovaries if this is possible) and consider surrogacy? How would you feel if he wanted to use a surrogate who would use her own eggs and his sperm? Would he reconsider adoption? Does he realise they would quickly become his "own" children?

I'm so sorry he is not being more supportive. I'm glad that your family are. Stay close to them through the weeks ahead.

StuntGirl Wed 02-Jan-13 17:12:41

I'm so sorry he's being such an arse sad He doesn't deserve you, if a family member of mine treated their wife like this I'd read them the riot act. He sounds like an absolute twat sad

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 17:14:29

Hope, i think you should just ignore him, your going through something awful and all hes thinking about is making sure his balls work.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 02-Jan-13 17:20:07

He is being an incredible arse.

It could be that this is what he is focusing all his attention on rather than it being all he cares about. Perhaps in a few days a talk would him would be a good idea? You can both speak honestly about your fears for the future.

I really hope it is that he is being an idiot right now but will get a grip and support you properly.

If he is a world class cunt though...then I am sorry,truly sorry.

Make sure whatever happens that you have your family around to for support.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 17:21:34

Hope - any man who could do to me, what your partner has done to you, would not get another chance to do it. I could not live with someone knowing that when I really needed them, they let me down so badly. So, so badly. 'Sorry it has to be this way', 'I want my own children too much'... I'd just tell him that it's over - he's free to do as he pleases and there's nothing to talk about.

wordfactory Wed 02-Jan-13 17:31:49

Op what this man is doing to you, during your hour of need, is unforgiveable. Whatever his feelings about having his own DC, they should have been parked while you face your treatment.

The only upside, is that you now know that this man is utterly undependable and you are better off without him.

kotinka Wed 02-Jan-13 17:49:12

Sounds like he's in shock & having trouble adjusting, but no, YANBU.

Really sorry for your bad news, it's hitting so many areas of your life. Honestly makes me realise I don't appreciate things enough. I hope the treatment goes really well for you.

Might be too early to think about, but you could consider a surrogate perhaps?

LondonInHighHeeledBoots Wed 02-Jan-13 18:34:52

You poor poor thing OP, I've been watching these posts for a few days.

He's having trouble adjusting yes, but he has clearly chosen 'own children' over the OP - so he didn't want 'their' children, he wanted 'his'. That is NOT someone you want to have a family with, even if they weren't such an utter waste that they would walk out on their partner because she was diagnosed with cancer. This is not someone you want to speak to again, let alone

He might find it hard but that doesn't stop his actions from being incredibly, impossibly selfish. Illness hard on those around but he's completely ignoring the fact that it is happening to you, not him. You're not seeing your mum turn around and say 'Sorry, no dice, I want REAL grandchildren' do you - because people cope when the are not useless and care about the other person.

Sorry, that rambled a bit, this makes me livid.

Snazzynewyear Wed 02-Jan-13 20:41:12

What exactly is it he is 'having' to do? If anything I would ask him that. He is being awful, just awful, to hide behind such language. He is choosing to do this. And his attitude to children is awful too.

I would be inclined to say he needs to make himself clear in writing as you don't want to listen to waffly excuses. You are too busy sorting your life out! If you agree to meet him (and I would definitely think hard before agreeing to this) I would definitely take someone with you. Don't let him get you alone and upset you with his self-centred ideas.

Hopeandbluebells Wed 02-Jan-13 20:48:20

I haven't replied yet, tbh not sure if I want to see him again at all but obviously going to have to at some point. I have an appointment tomorrow at which I think I get the date for the op, not sure if I want to be leaving any talking until after that's over so going to have to crack on with it I think.

Personally I wouldn't go for surrogacy- I'm not anti it by any men's but for me personally I don't think it's the right decision for various reasons. Maybe that will change in the near future but at the moment I'm thinking more seriously about adoption. Although not looking into it until after the op or ill go mad.

I'm at my mums for now and she's had her neighbours little girl staying with her for a couple of days ( that's a whole separate issue) it's been lovely having her to take mind off things but painful at the same time IYSWIM sad

Hopeandbluebells Wed 02-Jan-13 20:50:29

And that will be means and I'll, sorry, having phone issues blush

CarlingBlackMabel Wed 02-Jan-13 20:54:32

Oh, Hope, how very distressing.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are a person, a living, loving, all round human being, not a breeding machine. He clearly wants someone to bear children rather than a partner and family sad.

Let your family take care of you.

All too tough. Good luck with the treatment.


MudCity Wed 02-Jan-13 23:14:56

I am so sorry to read your update. It is a real double whammy and that must be hard to bear.

It is good that he wants to talk. If your relationship does end then at least you can try to end it on a civil note rather than a 'he has disappeared without trace having stayed out all night' note.

In my experience, if he decides that the issue is a deal-breaker then there is nothing you can do. It is sad and hard and I really feel for you. However, better to get this out in the open now than later. I remember reading an article about a woman whose partner stayed with her during her cancer treatment out of pity and guilt rather than because he actually wanted to be with her. Personally I would rather be on my own than with someone who had one eye on the door.

As for the children issue, if it is a deal-breaker for him then so be it. Staying will only breed resentment which will be hugely damaging for you both. By letting him go, you will make way for a new relationship that is right on all levels. Someone who also would like to adopt or for whom having their own children is not important. There are plenty of men out there who will fit that description.

You know the bit in the 'Bridget Jones' movie where Mark Darcy says he wants to be with Bridget just the way she is? Well, do not stop until you find that person who wants to be with you just the way you are. He will be worth the wait.

I truly hope things go ok for you over the coming months. Take good care.

Delayingtactic Wed 02-Jan-13 23:54:29

Oh. Well he's a right royal prick isn't he? As hard as it is to believe now you are better off without this utter arse in your life. He's not worthy of your time and effort and once you've gotten better you can find a decent man who wants you for you, not just some breeding machine. I don't know how you can even be civil to him. I can't actually believe that he can be do short sighted.

Personally I'd be having nothing more to do with him. I'd pack his shit up, arrange a time for him to pick it up and wouldn't even let him try and assuage his guilt by coming out with excuses.

lunar1 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:01:13

Hope, ive been thinking of you and wondered how you are? i know you had another thread before your op but i cant find it. i really hope everything went well.

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