DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

(239 Posts)
BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:22:12

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.


difficultpickle Fri 28-Dec-12 21:24:02

Why would you expect the same? Do you parents spent the same on your dp as they do on you?

difficultpickle Fri 28-Dec-12 21:24:41

Sorry, the other point is do you combine your finances or keep them separate?

Cortana Fri 28-Dec-12 21:24:54

YANBU. But there may be more to it.

Is he usually secretive about cash or other things?

If not maybe it's for something special for the family?

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:25:14

I don't expect the same but I don't like the fact that he hasn't told me. It's the secrecy.

NoGoodAtHousework Fri 28-Dec-12 21:25:28

I dont think the OP is saying she wants the same....just that it would have been nice if he'd told her that he'd got that amount!

Cortana Fri 28-Dec-12 21:25:38

Bisjo, OP has said she does not expect the same. "Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me."

HecateQueenofWitches Fri 28-Dec-12 21:26:02

No. I mean its his gift so he can do what he likes with it, but youd expect a wow, look what my dad did.
But perhaps he doesn't want to tell you cos he feels guilty feels bad that his dad gave him such a fab gift and not the family as a whole?
Why don't you ask him what he's planning to do with his christmas money.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 21:26:50

Do you combine Finances?

Why did you feel it was ok to search through his things?

ihearsounds Fri 28-Dec-12 21:26:58

What is the problem really?
You knew he got a cheque. The amount isn't important really.
Will he be demanding that you spend some of your money on him?
Do you normally go snooping through his stuff, if so why?

Tweasels Fri 28-Dec-12 21:27:22

She clearly said she didn't expect the same, just that she was upset that he hadn't told her.

Is that a normal amount for DP to be given or does it seem excessive?

Could he have been owed it?

Maybe DP just wants to have a think about what he wants to do with it before you have your say.

Butkin Fri 28-Dec-12 21:27:30

I think in healthy relationship money is pooled for the family. Why can't you just ask him about the cheque in order to clear the air if it's concerning you. See what he has to say. If he doesn't admit to the 1,000 then something to be worried about.

NamingOfParts Fri 28-Dec-12 21:28:05

Has there been an opportunity for your DP to tell you?

How have you treated other windfalls? How would you expect to spend your £100?

In my relationship an individual windfall of up to £20-£30 would be happily spent individually. Above that we would tend to see it as family money.

I suppose what I am trying to get to is what is normal for your relationship?

shesariver Fri 28-Dec-12 21:29:08

Of course its the secrecy, that would bother me to!

DontmindifIdo Fri 28-Dec-12 21:29:50

do you share finances? i would ask him how much the cheque from his dad was for and does he have any ideas what he's going to spend it on. £100 in cash is very generous.

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:30:00

I admit I'm a nosey cow! When I remarked at how generous his DF had been to me and the DC's, he looked uncomfortable and it made me suspicious, so I started having a poke around.

We have a joint account, plus our own personal accounts so I shall have to wait and see if he pays it in.....

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 21:30:40

Of course its the secrecy, that would bother me to!

I don't see how people can moan about secrecy whilst snooping through their dps things.

Rhubarbgarden Fri 28-Dec-12 21:31:42

Could he have just forgotten to mention it? My dh could easily forget that he hadn't discussed it with me. Memory like a sieve. Why didn't you just ask him instead of being sneaky?

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:32:36

Nope, he's got a very sharp memory. This is deliberate.

DecAndAnt Fri 28-Dec-12 21:32:43

Yes I think it's deceitful, why didn't he just say, wow look what df gave me.
He should want to share, not hide it away.

TheSecondComing Fri 28-Dec-12 21:33:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

You went nosing through his stuff? Why would you do that? You have a nerve being pissed off with him when you have invaded his privacy like that.

BelleDameSousMistletoe Fri 28-Dec-12 21:33:49

Why don't you just ask him?

Molehillmountain Fri 28-Dec-12 21:34:44

In our family, both sets of parents treat dh and me exactly the same. And our finances are pooled. I would be really upset if dh had received that amount without telling me and he would too if in reverse. So to me, not u at all to feel upset. It dies depend on the circumstances and the financial state of the family. £1000 would be huge to us-and given that we'd not bought presents for us just the DC and our shoes and jeans are pretty worn out that would make it even worse. But over friends who have separate finances and healthier bank accounts might not care as much. And if you were worse off than us (who consider ourselves comfortable but with limited disposable income) it might be a deal breaker.

I don't know

perhaps he feels a bit awkward and is trying to find a way to tell you of his windfall

poking through his stuff is a bit off though, I wouldn't like it if my DH leafed through my particulars without permission

why suspicious? that kinda implies trust-type issues, no?

ihearsounds Fri 28-Dec-12 21:34:53

Double standards. Its ok for him to not say how much the cheque was for, but it is totally fine for you to snoop.
I get given cash and cheques. This is mine to spend how I wish. My partner respects me enough to not question the amount nor snoop. I would be very fucked off if I found out that he had been snooping. I am entitled to some privacy in my relationship.

Cortana Fri 28-Dec-12 21:35:41

It could be for something special though Bette, it could be deliberate in a nice way too.

AppleOgies Fri 28-Dec-12 21:37:20

If you have separate accounts and use a joint one for bills etc... I don't see why you feel he should have to tell you.

Are you expecting him to put a gift from his df into your joint account? Where we're you planning on putting yours?

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:37:56

I just don't like it as I'm an open book about everything with him. It really upsets me that he 'withholds' info.

greenplastictrees Fri 28-Dec-12 21:38:33

You need to ask him about it if it's annoying you. Either say you looked at this cheque when emptying his pockets or something and noticed the money. Comment on how nice it is and ask what he's thinking of doing on it.

Or just ask him how much the cheque was for and see what he says? I'd probably fair option 1 though.

Of course maybe he's planning on spending it on you as a surprise.

For what it's worth my DP would be subtle about any money he got as he would see announcing it as a bit vulgar so would tell me at a later date, probably when asked because he's forgetful and wouldn't think to mention.

what other info does he 'withhold', Bette?

You aren't 'an open book' though, instead of asking him a question you went snooping.

Casmama Fri 28-Dec-12 21:39:26

I would not dream of not telling my dh if I had been given £1000 and the fact that your DP has not mentioned it despite the opportunity would concern me.

Are you married, is it possible he wants to get you an engagement ring or something?

TheSecondComing Fri 28-Dec-12 21:40:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleOgies Fri 28-Dec-12 21:40:59

If you're an 'open book' I suggest you go and tell him that you have been digging around his personal items and gifts to try and find out how much money his df gave him.

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:41:06

Oh gosh, I just don't know what to think. I'm really upset though.

Viviennemary Fri 28-Dec-12 21:41:15

It depends how your relationship works. If your finances are separate then perhaps he is not absolutely obliged to tell you. But if you share things then yes you should be told. And if you think of yourself as a family then that's different.

greenplastictrees Fri 28-Dec-12 21:42:40

Op have you got other reasons not to trust him? Is this raising your suspicions about anything else? What I'm trying to say is I don't think it's a big deal unless there are other reasons to think so.

EnjoyResponsibly Fri 28-Dec-12 21:43:22

There could be umpteen reasons he didn't tell you the amount: good or bad.

Whatever his reasons you lost the high ground when you went prying.

I hope that, if you go on digging you don't spoil a really nice surprise he's planning.

LIG1979 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:43:32

I would give it a bit and see if he brings it up. Could it be he is planning a surprise? If not and he decides to spend/fritter it on himself then no yanbu.

apostrophethesnowman Fri 28-Dec-12 21:43:55

Maybe he's just embarrassed that he was given ten times the amount that you were. He may not know how to tell you in case it upsets you.

Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

difficultpickle Fri 28-Dec-12 21:45:40

How long have you been together? Do you have dcs together? I assume so if your dp's father gave them money too. Would you usually know what your dp's parents' give him?

DontmindifIdo Fri 28-Dec-12 21:47:48

Have you thought to ask him how much the cheque from his dad was for? He might be honest with you. You can ask him what he's planning on doing with it. Are you likely to want to spend it ASAP and he would want to save it?

cees Fri 28-Dec-12 21:50:51

Yanbu, that would piss me off too, why not ask him if his Dad gave him the same amount and wait for reply before taking further action like ripping his balls off

Incapinka Fri 28-Dec-12 21:53:24

Everyone deals with money differently and if money is particularly tight in your family then I can understand why you would be curious but that doesn't mean that snooping was the right thing to do. You should have asked... However due to my lovely grandparents I am lucky to have my own personal finances and as much as I love my DH he doesn't know how much they are worth. But then that's because we have enough to get by from day to day. He wouldn't dream of asking whether my DPs gave me any money for Christmas or expecting it to be paid into our joint account. He would respect the fact that my parents had given it to me to choose what to do with it , whether it was to buy something for myself, invest it or buy something for the family or kids. Everyone will have a different view on this but I know that my parents and grandparents want their children and subsequent grandchildren to have money for a rainy day and in an ideal world financial security...

apostrophethesnowman Fri 28-Dec-12 21:54:36

Is it definitely a Christmas present from his father? Perhaps he's borrowed it. Is there any hint of a forthcoming proposal? I'm presuming by you referring to him as your DP that you're not already married?

You really don't know what it is or what it's for, it could be entirely innocent.

stifnstav Fri 28-Dec-12 21:55:42

Offer to pay his cheque in when you're doing yours. Then see if he gives it to you to cash.

FredFredGeorge Fri 28-Dec-12 22:02:28

It's his gift, you have seperate finances, it's none of your business. YABU.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Fri 28-Dec-12 22:10:39

Are you saving for a big joint purchase like a house deposit or something? Perhaps he's squirreling for that.

scarletfestivefingernail Fri 28-Dec-12 22:11:03

Maybe he hasn't decided yet whether to cash the cheque. He may feel uncomfortable accepting that amount of money and is thinking that he might not pay it in? If he decides not to keep the money he may think it better if you knew nothing about it.

SantasENormaSnob Fri 28-Dec-12 22:48:03

Not sure on this tbh.

I can't imagine dh or myself keeping this secret. Even with seperate money.

2rebecca Fri 28-Dec-12 23:12:16

I would have asked my husband outright how much he got rather than go snooping.
I would think of an amount of £1000 as a donation to the "family" though not an individual, but maybe not being married means his father didn't think of it as a family donation. On the other hand if his father chose to buy him something costing £1000 like an expensive cycle it wouldn't have been a family present so maybe as it's a Christmas gift the money is his and nothing to do with you. Maybe he felt if he told you the amount you'd resent it rather than be pleased he had that much money to spend on stuff.

hatgirl Fri 28-Dec-12 23:41:38

perhaps he is planning to buy something nice for you (I notice he is DP and not DH)? He has informed DF of this and DF has given him more cash than usual to make it happen.

DP doesn't want you to know about the money as if you did know about it you would be wanting to spend it on the household stuff, and he wouldn't be able to say no without ruining the surprise.

Always look on the bright side grin secrecy isn't always bad you know people!

Do you know what amounts he has got in previous years? If this is unusually large and DP hasn't reacted in surprise maybe it is because he knew it was coming and as suggested above there is a good reason?

Mosman Fri 28-Dec-12 23:48:14

My DH would have held it up and gone wow what shall we spend it on there and then.

Damash12 Sat 29-Dec-12 01:16:47

I'd just ask him outright, no point in both of you being sneaky. It's the answer you get that should decide if there is a bigger issue here which I am likely to day there will be or why wouldn't he simply say wow look at this honey" ??? Mmmmm keep us updated ..,

okaynowitstheseason Sat 29-Dec-12 01:22:29

Are you normally this controlling OP? If so, it might be a deposit for his escape fund.

WelshMaenad Sat 29-Dec-12 01:23:25

My DH and I have separate bank accounts but aconmundl attitude up money, if that makes sense.

I was given £500 by my aunt at Christmas - a very one off gift, as she has given this amount to my cousin to help with a specific expense. It didn't occur to me that it was 'my' money, as far as I was concerned it was family money and is going towards next summer's holiday.

inabeautifulplace Sat 29-Dec-12 01:29:38

It's his Christmas present. Sounds a bit awkward to me because it's significantly more than you got. The easiest thing to do would have been a big family gift for you all. However, is it fair that if his dad wants to treat him alone he could be pressured into sharing the money? I guess if you also share any big gifts then that would be fair. That has been the way in my family.

smilingismyfavourite Sat 29-Dec-12 01:46:57

YANBU that is a huge amount of money to bring into a family and to not have it mentioned. Unless you find out it is for a secret something special I would be very very pissed off. If you have a family together and he gets £1000 out of the blue and fritters it away... words fail me.
I must have a very different relationship to other posters who have said that they think it is reasonable to not mention it. No, def not U at all.

Bogeyface Sat 29-Dec-12 01:58:13

Snooping, invading privacy, looking through his stuff and then the piece de resistance Are you normally this controlling OP? If so, it might be a deposit for his escape fund.

She had a look at his Xmas presents ffs! She didnt go through his email, phone, cc bills and underpants!

I would be pissed off too because anything over £50 is a windfall and would draw comment. When DH's grandma grandma gave him a similar sum as in the OP recently he came home like this shock and said "what should we do with it?" He could have banked it and spent and I would never have known, but he didnt.

OP you might want to get this moved to Relationships, you will get a much more understanding response regarding "vibes" there!

Bogeyface Sat 29-Dec-12 01:59:27

ooh two grandmas! IT was his grandma not his grannys grandma grin

munchkinmaster Sat 29-Dec-12 02:15:14

Am I just odd? but if you have been together a long time, have kids etc I think it's weird you got a cheque each. I'd expect a joint cheque. Unless of course his dad knows that he needs money specifically for something and is trying to help him out. But if it's just a spontaneous gift i'd expect a couples gift

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Sat 29-Dec-12 03:29:08

IMO weird that he didn't mention it. FWIW, DH got a similar cheque from his DF for his birthday. I consider that 'his' money. He took me out to dinner with it but spent the rest on crap personal stuff. I would have been majorly pissed off if he had hidden it from me.

yousmell Sat 29-Dec-12 06:33:27

1K would be a huge amount to us and would b spent on house things or spent through making joint decisions. Anything under 30 would be fine to squirrel away on your own.

But it depends, if you are loaded 1k might just be pennies?

yousmell Sat 29-Dec-12 06:34:41

agree all you did was sneak a wee peek at the cheque, it's hardly the crime of the century!

pigletmania Sat 29-Dec-12 08:36:28

Mabey he knew you would overreact. It was good you got £100. I am always recieving money from mum as she feels sorry for my stay at home mum situation. Dh has received money from his parents, I don't mind really

milf90 Sat 29-Dec-12 08:41:39

Do u think it might be for an engagement ring?

williaminajetfighter Sat 29-Dec-12 08:50:29

Cut him some slack. My dad gives me money every bday and Xmas and while I am thrilled to get it I can't help but feel a little bit of shame that he is still pitching in and I'm 43.

Maybe your DP is embarrassed or feels in some way a failure in receiving this money and talking about it and telling you just incurs these feelings. People's egos can be easily bruised especially men.

Isityouorme Sat 29-Dec-12 08:55:32

It's bizarre that he would not tell you the amount when DF left. I would just use hat money for family but it sounds like your DP will deposit it and say nothing, which if you are a family unit, is unacceptable. I think this whole ituation highlights that your relationship has problems. But YANBU.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 29-Dec-12 08:59:25

Another double standards i see, frequent posts about women having a secret nest egg but go forbid a man have a seperate account.

I would imagine he feels embarrassed and doesnt want to accept it. Even £100 each to children and his sons girlfriend is very generous without the extra amount on top. It was wrong to snoop, would you like it if he snooped on you behind your back?

Redstockingswillstopsanta Sat 29-Dec-12 08:59:38

Maybe £1,000 is wrong and it should say £100.

marriedandwreathedinholly Sat 29-Dec-12 09:02:58

If things are tight are you sure that your dh hasn't been really struggling to provide everything you need as a family and has confided in his dad who has "helped" out so things can carry on as they have been carrying on. I'm going against the grain here, and I think blood is thicker than water and that it's not that unusual for a parent to give their own child more than the child's partner.

We have always had separate bank accounts - never a joint bank account. I have no idea what's in DH's at present and he has no idea what's in mine. When our dc were tiny (mid 90s) DH was playing the stockmarkets hard - I didn't know at that time he was doing it with 0% credit cards and raking the +ve balances into another account. I would have gone berserk if I had known but I was quietly pleased with him when he announced we were several thousand pounds up at the end of the year.

I know his mum gives him cheques here and there usually because similar amounts have gone to his sisters. I know my mum gives me the odd cheque. We have been together for 25 years and neither of us has every gone without due to the behaviour of the other. Both of us like to have some control over our own money. I wouldn't go out and spend more than a 1000 on something for the house without consulting and neither would he. But we certainly wouldn't consult over smaller day to day purchases.

AuntieMaggie Sat 29-Dec-12 09:04:19

Have you asked him???

Lueji Sat 29-Dec-12 09:06:18

Actually it was HIS gift.
What if it had been a 1000£ watch? Would you expect to share it around?

He's very much entitled to fritter it away on things for him, or to put it in the bank.

On the other hand, are you hard up for money?

Or, as someone suggested, maybe he has it earmarked for something.

Crazy thought. Why don't you ask him directly how much he got?

okaynowitstheseason Sat 29-Dec-12 13:26:42

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ithaka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:31:16

YANBU, it would upset me as it would be so out of character for my husband not to say - 'yay - look what I got!' and we could have fun together deciding how to spend it.

It would be up to him how he spent it - it is his present, but he would want to share the fun and excitement of choosing with his family.

ViviPru Sat 29-Dec-12 13:36:40

God if this happened to me and DP I'd just assume that the £1000 would go into the pot. It wouldn't even cross my mind that it's HIS money to do with as he pleases.

I'd be like 'shit the bed, I just clocked that cheque - Hyacinth and Victor were generous this year!! Shall we fritter it or use it to fix the xxxxxx*?" (*Insert any number of dilapidated/broken items here)

ithaka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:41:27

I know what you mean ViviPru, my husband would probably put it towards a family holiday, but I didn't want to post that and sound too smug about my lovely husband (he is, though).

Oblomov Sat 29-Dec-12 14:00:56

Actually, I don't agree. Op does know that df gave the chq. It was done openly.So there is no secrecy. But she went looking. My lovely mil gives all her children a large amount, at christmas, every few years, for inheritence tax benefits. Dh and i always discuss it. But I see it as his money, from His mum, and he ultimately decides how it is spent. We save every month for holidays anyway, so I would never want him to spend it on, say a family holiday.

Salmotrutta Sat 29-Dec-12 14:05:54

This has maybe already been suggested but maybe he asked his dad for a loan for something and was uncomfortable because he hasn't told you?

Could he have money worries or be saving for something?

JumpingJackSprat Sat 29-Dec-12 14:10:27

why dont you just talk to him about it like an adult instead of "waiting to see if he puts it in the joint account". why the bloody hell should he do that?! its his gift! grow up and talk to him!

The more obvious answer is he has asked his dad for a loan. Or else why would he just glance at it and put it away? Would not the normal response be "Wow! Thanks Dad. That's so generous of you!"
[Unless of course his dad is Donald Trump.]

YANBU so you need to speak to him about it.

jessjessjess Sat 29-Dec-12 14:13:38

I don't understand. Why didn't you just ask him instead of snooping through his stuff?

You sound very passive-aggressive and controlling. I suppose it depends how you handle money anyway but my father recently gave me a larger sum than this as he offered to pay for some private dental treatment I have to have (long story). I tried to tell DH the amount and he waved me away saying it was none of his business.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 29-Dec-12 14:15:45

Why would you assume its family money anyway. You and the children were given your own presents, this was for your DH to spend as his christmas present.

I wouldnt be happy if i gave somebody a present and there OH believed it was theirs by default.

polkadotsrock Sat 29-Dec-12 14:29:38

Christ, people saying you hope that he leaves her. How awful to wish that on someone just for looking at a cheque. Has curiosity never once got the better of you?
OP I would find this very odd from my DH but I would just ask him outright. It's not nice to set him up for a fall by waiting to catch him out and might cause a bit of an atmosphere. Please just ask him then you can figure out what to do/say or can just relax as if he tells you the truth

ChristmasJubilee Sat 29-Dec-12 14:35:46

I gave my dsd £1000 for Christmas. She has recently had a baby and is not going back to work. Childcare would be far more than she earns. The only money she has is her child benefit and a small amount of tax credits. Her dh gives her money if she asks but I wanted her to have something for herself.

I gave her the check when we were on our own. I expect she will show it to her dh but I wanted her to have the option.

PessaryPam Sat 29-Dec-12 14:46:33

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foxache Sat 29-Dec-12 14:53:51

Yes, 'I hope he leaves you' wtaf??
Some people really will write anything.

Yanbu, OP, maybe just tell him you saw the cheque, or ask him about it. (I thought of the Royle Family too btw grin)

happyinherts Sat 29-Dec-12 15:02:44

Not sure I follow this...

You aren't married so he is in fact a single man receiving a gift from his parents as indeed you have received a gift from his parents.

If he had received £10 would you be upset about him not telling you? It is his business what he gets from his parents and it probably wouldn't enter his head to tell anyone because it's private - a gift from his parents to him. What he intends to do with that money is his business. Is it because it's a large amount you're unhappy? If so, think about what that conveys.

If he had been given an expensive gadget worth £1000 would you want a share in that too. I dont think it's unreasonable for an adult given a monetary gift from their parents to keep it for themselves or spend on family as they see fit without mentioning every last penny. Surely there's a limit on how much you're chained at the hip with a padlock and have something of an independent life. You aren't married but acting like you own him and his possessions.

PessaryPam Sat 29-Dec-12 15:04:37

happy I think there is some commitment expected as it seems they have DCs together.

happyinherts Sat 29-Dec-12 15:19:14

Okay, so once you have children it becomes unreasonable to keep a monetary gift given to you from your parents to yourself when your parents have also given an amount to your partner? I wouldnt even question it if my in laws gave my husband a sizeable amount, or indeed any amount I didnt' know about. Not my business and never will be. It's an extra. It's not the family wages to budget with- it's an extra, a personal gift for said individual to mention or not and to do whatever he wants with.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 29-Dec-12 15:21:54

PessaryPam, why does he have to share HIS christmas present just because he has children with the OP?

Has the OP had her own christmas presents, i see no mention of her selling them all so that she can share with her DP.

The present was given to him by his own father, she was also kindly given money off him too for herself. Its not her father and he doesnt have to treat them equally if he chooses not too.

The OP wouldnt even have known the amounts were different had she not snooped, thats very wrong and most adults would be livid if their OH went through their pockets or handbags etc.

PessaryPam Sat 29-Dec-12 15:29:28

It's the secrecy in a relationship that worries me. DH & I would tell each other.

FredFredGeorge Sat 29-Dec-12 15:31:26

PessaryPam So you're worried about the secrecy (not that there necessarily was any since it would be pretty vulgar to be showing off the cheque while DF was giving it and the OP was snooping just a little while later before they possibly had any opportunity to discuss it. But you're not worried about the snooping?

happyinherts Sat 29-Dec-12 15:32:18

Perhaps he's learnt his lesson before. Once you start saying, oh, look what my father just gave ME, partners start mentally spending it for you and you start getting resentful.

ZenNudist Sat 29-Dec-12 15:41:30

Why are you annoyed? It's not like he even had much chance to mention it casually before you pried through his things. What do your suspicions tell you he will spend it on? And what do you want to spend it on?

Binkybix Sat 29-Dec-12 15:57:16

I'd thnk it was odd if my DH didn't tell me at some point, but I would see it as his money, not mine.

If it was a huge amount we would probably discuss whether to do something joint, but I wouldn't expect it. And if I'd wanted to know I'd have asked. Why did you snoop instead of asking?

The way you told the story, it doesn't sound as though you gave him much time to talk to you a about it. Did you expect him to say in front of everyone how much it was? Might have been a bit odd?

yohohoho Sat 29-Dec-12 16:26:40

I bet he knows she had a look and that's why he isn't saying anything. He is probably wondering how long it will take before she snaps.

If she knows she is nosey, he does too.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Dec-12 16:28:56

It's a private gift to him from his dad.

Nobody else's business

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Dec-12 16:48:35

I've just read the whole thread and I'm gobsmacked at the amount of posters who think a cash gift given to one person is for sharing even if all members of the family have also been given a cash gift by the same person.

Note to self next year and in the future make sure I remember to stop giving cash gifts to my family unless I intend it to be for there gf/ bf as well.

Silly me I thought addressing each gift to each intended person was enough.

AmberLeaf Sat 29-Dec-12 16:52:49

Its his christmas present from his Dad?!!

Why is he the baddy for wanting to keep it and not share?

Are you going to share your £100 OP?

thegreylady Sat 29-Dec-12 16:53:27

I'd just ask him how much he got or even tell him you saw it and ask what he will spend it on.Say "Wow your Dad was very generous this year.How will you treat yourself with £1000?"

okaynowitstheseason Sat 29-Dec-12 16:53:46

I thought the advice on here was generally to leave overbearing controlling partners who think nothing of demanding your money?

Or do women get a free pass for that sort of behaviour?

thebody Sat 29-Dec-12 16:55:17

Lots of different relationship dynamics on here amongst posters so really interesting.

For us ( ANC I guess that says it all really me and dh are us not him and me) we share everything. Money, chores, child care everything.

My dh on receiving a gift like this would be A gob smacked and then B tell me immediately and we would spend it in the house/ family.

Hemlet Sat 29-Dec-12 23:30:49

I've not read the whole thread, but I know if my husband was given a large cheque I'd find it vulgar to whisper/exclaim about the amount while the giver was still there. Was he really being secretive or just waiting until there was a more appropriate time to discuss it?

BetteDavis01 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:57:46

Thanks for all your messages, some helpful, some downright nasty! grin

We've been together 5 years and two DC's. His DF, has a very old fashioned attitude towards money. DP's late DM never knew what DP'S Dad used to earn, just to give you an idea.

thenightsky Sun 30-Dec-12 00:01:17

Perhaps he doesn't intent to cash it. I know my mum has given me cheques of that same amount which I've just kept quiet about and shredded.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 30-Dec-12 00:25:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 08:31:54

So have you asked him yet? Honestly, best you do rahter than secretly seeth. You are assuming he'll lie without even bothering to check if he will actually tell you if you ask.

Isityouorme Sun 30-Dec-12 08:36:18

So he still hasn't told you about the £1k? Not very family orientated is he? I think it is very odd.

KittyFane1 Sun 30-Dec-12 08:57:56

YANBU. Squirrelling money away when you are a couple who usually share everything that is in the 'pot' is wrong.

fuzzpig Sun 30-Dec-12 09:12:43

It doesn't sound like he had much chance to tell you before you looked. Does he know that you looked? If not, why not just ask him "how much was the cheque for" and see what he says?

wannaBe Sun 30-Dec-12 09:12:50

why is a gift of money different to a material gift?

Me and dh always had joint finance and i have never got the "his money, my money" thing that exists within couples.

But if someone bought someone a gift that cost £1000 no-one would bat an eyelid at that (well people would say it was extravagant but there wouldn't be judgements). But someone gives £1000 as a gift, and suddenly it should become part of the joint finances? why? It's Christmas. A father has the right to give a gift of money to his son, and as it's his christmas present there is IMO no obligation to make it part of the family finances.

And snooping is out of order on every conceiveable level. If you make a habit of spying on your dp then it's no wonder that he's secretive.

LaLaGabby Sun 30-Dec-12 09:18:00

'Do you have shared finances' is missing the point a bit I think.

They have a shared CHILD. This implies a joint financial responsibility for the family and the household, regardless of what bank accounts you have. Unless you are both millionaires there is no way that DP should keep that sum of money without at least discussing it with you.

LaLaGabby Sun 30-Dec-12 09:20:50


KittyFane1 Sun 30-Dec-12 09:22:02

There are so many virtuous people on this thread.
I wonder how many really would not look!

wannaBe Sun 30-Dec-12 09:26:25

why? it was a gift. Not a random gift but his christmas present.

If someone gives your children money for their birthdays do you incorporate that into the family finance?

If someone gives you gift vouchers do you feel they are for the family even though they are given to you specifically? Even if say, for your birthday?

If someone buys you a box of chocolates do you feel that they are the family box of chocolates and not yours?

I get that people are in financial difficulties. But a gift is a gift. It's not a case of a gift being a gift unless it's money in which case it's part of the family finances. It shouldn't work like that.

If the dad was giving the dp random sums of money on an ad-hoc basis then yes, I would see the issue. But it was his Christmas present. The op has no right or entitlement to it, in the same way the dp has no entitlement to a part of her £100 or the children's money for that matter.

lollilou Sun 30-Dec-12 09:35:52

Well I think some of you are being a bit harsh on the op. She's not saying that he should spend the money on her or the family. She is upset because he is keeping it a secret and I would be too. If you put yourself in her husbands shoes would you really take a cheque from your parents in front of your dh and then hide it and say nothing? That is odd to me.
My advice would be to just mention it in a lighthearted way and then if he fesses up have a nice conversation about what he was going to spend it on, of course I would hope some would be spent on the family but I know my dh would love to get something for his hobby.

LaLaGabby Sun 30-Dec-12 09:44:44

If someone gives your children money for their birthdays do you incorporate that into the family finance?
No. Why not? Because children are not responsible for the family finances. Both parents are though.

If someone gives you gift vouchers do you feel they are for the family even though they are given to you specifically? Even if say, for your birthday?
Depends on how much, what for and how broke we are. £50+ of M&S vouchers when we are short will mean the recipient suggests getting food, the other partner suggesting the recipient gets something for themselves and the rest on food. £15 voucher for Lush or Maplin electronics? Of course not shared.

If someone buys you a box of chocolates do you feel that they are the family box of chocolates and not yours?


yohohoho Sun 30-Dec-12 09:47:51

She is upset because he is keeping it a secret and I would be too.

How can she moan about bring secretive when she sneaks round and goes through his stuff. Then carrys on all annoyed, because he hasn't said anything. But neither has she.

Maybe his DF knows your DH has debts to clear or something, so is helping out?

Fwiw my little.nanna gave me £150 for christmas - first thing I did was tell.DH in amazement of her generosity!

2rebecca Sun 30-Dec-12 09:52:53

re chocolates and vouchers i disagree with Lala. Yes I'll offer chocolates around but if it's a present for me then it's a present for me. I don't see why adult presents become "family" presents if they are vouchers or money.

2rebecca Sun 30-Dec-12 09:55:46

I agree with those who say it's rude and vulgar to discuss how much the cheque was for on immediately opening it. I'd just have said "oh thank you that's very generous" and maybe discussed the amount later. My dad gave me a cheque and I don't think I've discussed the amount with my husband yet. It will go into the joint account though, but he did intend me to spend it on myself. It was for under £50 though so not the same thing.

thebody Sun 30-Dec-12 09:57:17

Yes wannabe if I or dh gets gift vouchers, money or chocolates they are shared with our family because that's how we operate as a family.

Kids of course keep own gifts but usually my kids would share cash with each other. Last year ds2 got a big amount of gf for his 21st and he took ds1 out in the town with him and friends.

I couldn't love a selfish secretive man child who squirrelled away birthday money for himself.

fortyplus Sun 30-Dec-12 09:59:40

If the op has an open honest attitude to her relationship then I don't understand why she doesn't just ask him? This is being built up into something it's probably not. The guy would've hidden the cheque under the mattress if he wanted to keep the amount a secret! I'd be more bothered about the awkwardness/reluctance to ask him a simple question. 'Hey DP I see your dad gave you a cheque when the rest of us had cas - was it for a mega amount? Are we off to Florida for our holidays this year?! [joke]'

LaLaGabby Sun 30-Dec-12 10:01:35

Did people who don't share things with their partners get married just for the nice photos?

IShallCallYouSquishy Sun 30-Dec-12 10:15:13

If my DH was given £1000 I would see it as his gift, his money. I have no issue with that whatsoever. It would be his to do what he wanted with. If I found out he was given £1000 and kept it a secret I'd be annoyed but only because he felt he needed to hide it. Luckily, as far as I'm aware, DH had never needed to hide money from me and vice versa.

There is a possibility that he could have asked to borrow some money and his father trying to be discreet gave it as a cheque at Christmas so it didn't draw attention?

thebody Sun 30-Dec-12 10:21:59

Exactly LaLa.

thebody Sun 30-Dec-12 10:22:18

Exactly LaLa.

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 10:31:20

YANBU, others have already said why.

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 10:41:21

Goodness, I can't imagine dh getting a cheque for £1,000 and not telling me. That is very strange behaviour for an established couple who have a family together. If I got a cheque for £1,000 I'd certainly tell him and we'd discuss what to do with it together!

AuntieMaggie Sun 30-Dec-12 10:54:10

OP have you still not asked him about it?

Backtobedlam Sun 30-Dec-12 10:56:19

We have seperate accounts and dh has recently been given a lot of money by his parents. He told me about it and gave a small sum to me so I had a bit extra for christmas but kept the rest. I'm happy with that, as he's very generous, when he has more money he pays for holidays, nights out etc. if I have more then I'll pay. However, if he hadnt told me I'd find that sneaky, and a bit underhand. If he has money problems, its a loan or something similar I'd have expected him to discuss it with me, there's no reason to keep it a secret. Those people saying the OP shouldn't have looked through his things, come on they're married. I'd have no problems with my dh looking through anything of mine as I have nothing to hide...I can only see it being a problem if you're hiding something.

fuzzpig Sun 30-Dec-12 10:59:38

Same here panto, we share all money. If it was given specifically to one of us (as opposed to a general family gift which is what we tend to receive at Xmas) we would still discuss what to do with it together, even if we the larger portion of it went on the recipient. I think it depends how significant the money is to you though - to us a grand is fecking huge so there's no way we would fritter it all.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 11:02:18

"I couldn't love a selfish secretive man child who squirrelled away birthday money for himself."

Me neither.

I just can't imagine either of us being all "that's mine" about anything.

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 11:02:56

Lala - I find that insulting.

We have separate finances and did not get married for the photos. Just because people do things differently to you, doesn't make our marriage worth less than yours. It works well for us, and we're very happy.

Altough I can see that if we were struggling financially then it might be different in terms of sharing all money. As it is we earn almost exactly the same. Why should all money need to be shared because we're married? We're not the same person!

We will no doubt re-work our finances a bit when our first one is born, but I still can't imagine having to ask permission to spend a gift given to me. In fact, I'd think of my DH as very grabby if he expected it (even though I probably would share at least some of it in reality).

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 11:05:15

Although I do stand by the fact that it's odd not to tell your partner what you got - as odd as snooping around to find out rather than just asking!

2rebecca Sun 30-Dec-12 11:17:13

I didn't get married for the photos (we didn't have a photographer), but I didn't lose my indviduality and become Mrs family member when I got married either. I am the main wage earner and we have joint accounts. If someone gets ME a gift be it money or a present it is still my gift though as I exist as an independent person as well as being a family member. Never having individual gifts and feeling all your stuff has to be communal sounds a bit miserable and martyrish to me.

skullcandy Sun 30-Dec-12 11:20:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaLaGabby Sun 30-Dec-12 11:21:38

Sorry Binky, I realized it was judgey as I clicked 'Post'.

But tbh, I genuinely don't get it... What is marriage about if not about sharing? Why wouldn't you want to share, except for one of you feeling that you would 'lose out'? Why would you get married in that situation?

Don't say "we got married as a sign of our love". Many unmarried people love each other... you could have got tattoos as a sign of your love.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 11:22:07

"Never having individual gifts and feeling all your stuff has to be communal sounds a bit miserable and martyrish to me."

No, it's not miserable at all.

Sharing all my worldly goods with the man I love seems natural and easy.

Thinking that my individuality can only be expressed through having my own stuff seems very adolescent to me.

Shit, my 4 year old is fine with her 2 year old sister playing with her presents as long as she doesn't break them.

LaLaGabby Sun 30-Dec-12 11:22:36

Never having individual gifts and feeling all your stuff has to be communal
no-one has suggested this, ever.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 11:24:07

"i do not and would not be sharing any amount of money given to ME as a bday or xmas present by my family with my spouse."

I will be so ashamed if any of my children reach adulthood with such an ugly, selfish, childish attitude.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 11:25:57

It wouldn't occur to me that the money DH got for Christmas was equally mine to spend. In fact, the only people who gave my DH money this year was my parents (they find him impossible to buy for, they have a point), but that's his. It wasn't this amount, but the principle is the same. The £100 (massive amount, btw!) that FIL gave OP is hers to spend as she wishes, the money DP was given is also his to spend. Now, I would assume if he was going to buy something big for the house to consult me, but if he just wanted to put it in savings or buy lots of little things, I wouldn't think I would have a right to say "Actually, I want you to buy X with it instead"

OP - have you a) got round to asking him the value of the cheque yet and b) asked him what he'd like to spend your £100 from his dad on - or do you think it's not his choice?

FlojoHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 11:30:04

5 yrs and 2 DC should mean u can easily ask him how much it was for, then if he's evasive or lies, u have serious problems.

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 11:31:40

That's ok. But we do share lots of stuff - just not all of our money. You could equally say that you could share everything financially without getting married, so why bother to get married? Contrary to your last post, it does seem as though lots of people are saying that everything, including gifts should be shared.

I'm fine with other people wanting to pool everything, even though at this point I can't imagine wanting it for myself. It's good that it works for you. I just stand people thinking their marriage/partnership is more special. Because it isn't.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 11:31:54

It would never occur to me that a large sum of money given to me as a gift was MIIINE all MIIINE to be spent only on me.

I would want to use in the way that would be best for all of us.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 11:39:10

Also, is it the value that's the problem - if it was say £50, would you all think it was for the DP to buy himself a treat or should he put it in the commual pot?

Assuming the OP and her DP aren't in a bad financial position to have to spend all birthday/Christmas money on household bills/running, money gifts would come under the same heading as say, chocolate gifts. It would be nice if when DH opens the chocolates he was given at Christmas he would share them around, but I have no right to go open and eat them myself, they are his. If while I'm out he eats the lot, I have no right to complain.

It would be really kind and generous for him to say "actually, shall we get a new sofa/TV/pay for a holiday with my Christmas money for us all?" but if he wanted to say "I want to buy a new bike/some new suits/pay for gym membership for the year with it" then he's perfectly entitled to do that.

But as said, right now, the OP knows he got a cheque, she hasn't asked him how much for just snooped. She can't start a conversation at all about it until she asks him how much it was for.

If he lies, that's a different problem, but right now, he's not hidden the fact he's had a cheque, hasn't hidden the cheque itself and just not discussed it at all - I would say he's not really done anything wrong, although you might think the OP's FIL has done something wrong by giving a massively different value gift to his DS compared to his DIL. (I also have no problem with that, PIL spend far more on DH than they do on me)

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 11:43:32

Good for you. What makes both DH and I happy at the moment, in our current circs is some autonomy over what we spend our money on.

As I say, if we were in financial difficulty, or could not afford things as a family that would be different.

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 11:44:23

Sorry - good for you was addressed to sleigh bells.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 11:47:58

BTW - I've got a similar situation at the moment, I've been given £1k to buy something to remind me of my nana (long story short, she died after a few years in care and most of her money and posessions have gone, I didn't have my own home when she went in to the home so while other family members took some of her furniture I didn't). I'm in two minds what to get, I'm debating getting a new armchair for the living room, so as it'll be in DH's living room too, I took him with me to go sit in some, if I go for that, I'll ask his opinion on colours and styles etc as he'll have to live with it.

The other idea is to buy a piece of jewllery or a watch to remember her by. DH doesn't have a say if I decide to go with the chair or the jewllery options (although he could have vetoed chair all together if he didn't want one in the living room), and if I do decide to go with buying a watch then he doesn't get a say in which style. If we were financially struggling then I might put it in the pot, but I have been asked to get a 'thing' not 'put it in savings/pay for a holiday' with it, so I don't feel he has a right to say I should do that, even if when I got a bonus recently we discussed what we would do with it (it's gone in savings).

Gifts are not family money unless given communally, money earned/won is family money in our house.

skratta Sun 30-Dec-12 11:52:36

DH once got a cheque for £1500 as a shared gift from both his parents.

He didn't tell me. I found out, but didn't mention it.

Come my birthday he'd booked a great holiday for the whole family. It was a surprise and he didn't want me to say how he could have spent the money on something else etc;

Clutching at straws here, could it be something like that?

Or does he feel embarrassed?

If he looked at it and quickly put it in his pocket, then I might lean towards him being embarrassed about it?

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 11:54:33

I think the amount matters. My Dad gave me £50 for Christmas and that's definitely mine to spend. But if either dh or I got £1,000, that's something that could go towards family stuff - a holiday or a car or something really significant (probably not a whole car, but towards). The person who got the money would have the casting vote, of course, but the money is enough to give the recipient the chance of doing something that benefits the whole family, not just themselves (although I'd expect either of us to have some money for a treat for the recipient as well, unless they would really prefer it all to go on a holiday or whatever).

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:05:53

I think this thread has turned quite sad actually. Once married or in a stable partnership your Christmas gift from your father is communal knowledge. You have lost your identity, everything has to be shared or talked about or discussed. You are not allowed to have your own money as a gift from your parents to do exactly as you want with just for once because heck you have a partner. How very sad.

It's his Christmas present - amount irrelevant - it's his Christmas present. His and his alone.

jellybeans Sun 30-Dec-12 12:10:42

In my family parents spend roughly the same on us both. I think it is mean for them to give your DH £1000 and you ten times less. Why not give you both £1000? Mean! YANBU.

jellybeans Sun 30-Dec-12 12:11:55

'If he looked at it and quickly put it in his pocket, then I might lean towards him being embarrassed about it?'

I agree. It could be he feels bad his DF gave him all that and you much less? Most people would realise it was unfair/mean.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 12:13:51

"You have lost your identity, everything has to be shared or talked about or discussed."


What's tragic is that you think sharing your life with someone else means losing your identity.

Some of us are not so insubstantial.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:15:40

It's not unfair or mean. If I wished to give my son £1000 for Christmas to allow him some financial freedom OR to spend on family as his wish - I would do so. I would also hope my daughter in law would welcome a £100 gift for her to do the same with. A gift is a gift without all this analysing.

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 12:19:11

I think amount is relevant. For those saying that they wouldn't expect their dp to share, if your dp, by some miracle (think lottery) was given a gift of a huge amount, maybe a million of half pounds, you would still be saying that it was your dp's gift to do with as they wish, and none of your business?

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 12:19:39

million of half? A million or a half million lol

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 12:21:16

And i also agree that it was mean to give you substantially less than your dp.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:22:48

tittytittyhanghang - it was a Christmas present. Would you really feel obliged to share your Christmas presents. Lottery win is a different kettle of fish really which I think would be a bit selfish and unfair not to mention. I do feel sorry for people that have to share their Christmas gifts, don't you? It's the one time of year that something can be yours and yours alone.

ssd Sun 30-Dec-12 12:23:43

of course he should tell you about it, how weird to be married and have secrets like that

jellybeans Sun 30-Dec-12 12:24:40

I would give my future DILs the same as my sons. No wonder there are so many MIL/FIL issues! They are your family once they marry! Treat them equal! Even my meanie MIL gets us both something now of simelar expense. I wouldn't give MIL 1000 and FIL 100!

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 12:26:11

I agree that the more it is, the more likely it would be shared. For us, 1k, although extremely generous, would not be life changing. Half a million would, so we would discuss it because it would be difficult to change one person's life without the other. For example, I would probably put it towards a house, so clearly if we are to still live together I can't make that decision in isolation.

NamingOfParts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:26:29

I dont see that it is sad to share, talk about or discuss something like this with your partner. That is why you are partners, because you want to share, talk about or discuss things with your partner. If not, why have a partner? Might as well just take in lodgers.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:29:58

Aren't you allowed one day in the year, or even one day in your life (if you never got a financial gift again) to just be yourself, not a husband, a wife, a father, a mother - just you - and receive something from your parents for your Christmas present alone.

Yearly wages, budgets, outgoings, purchases of course should be shared discussed, but why a personal Christmas present from your dad.

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 12:33:57

What i meant was that if your pil won a life changing amount of money/was just really really rich and gifted a huge amount to your dp at Christmas, you still wouldn't expect them to share since it was a gift to them? Like i said, the amount is relative, £1000 may not be a lot to you but certainly for my family it would be treated as a huge amount.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:37:42

£1000 is a lot of money, it's nearly a tenth of our household income but I still see a gift as a gift and not anyone else's business apart from the giver and recipient especially as a Christmas gift.

bamboostalks Sun 30-Dec-12 12:51:06

I would have had a nose because I am like that. Also find it strange he didn't mention it. Would ask him though, I think. Really want you to ask him!

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 13:10:19

no, it's not like a lottery win, that I would treat like wages, and are communal. A gift is something different.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 13:14:34

"Aren't you allowed one day in the year, or even one day in your life (if you never got a financial gift again) to just be yourself, not a husband, a wife, a father, a mother - just you - and receive something from your parents for your Christmas present alone."

This makes no sense to me.

I'm always myself. Being a wife and mother is just a part of that, and not one I feel any need to switch off.

This is my life, that I chose, and I love it. I love the people in it, and having stuff that is mine and that I refuse to share is just totally alien to me.

If my Dad gave me a grand as a present and I kept it a secret from my family and spent it all on myself, he'd be shock

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 13:15:16

DMIID, i didnt mean if dp had won lottery, but if pil had won lottery, or had a very propserous endowment, or some other financial investment came up trumps, and then at christmas gifted to their son a huge amount. Would say a gift of half a million receive the same attitude that it is dp's to do as he wishes?

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 13:21:14

I am always myself too. Sometimes I decide to spend money on joint things like a holiday or towards the mortgage. Sometimes I don't. Same with DH.

Doesn't it come down to the fact that whatever arrangement a couple has is fine as long as they are both genuinely happy with it, and any children don't go without?

In the OP's case there's a possibility that they don't take the same view, and that's the issue, rather than one view being wrong or one right?

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 13:28:20

Just asked dh about this and he agreed, it's very odd behaviour for someone not to tell their dp or dh/w how much the cheque is for. He always tells me if MIL has given him some money, and I do the same if my parents have given me something. If it's a small amount (and this all relevant of course, £1k would be significant to us, may be mere pocket money to the wealthy) the recipient gets to spend/save it however they like, if it's a large amount we'd discuss it between us.

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 13:28:40

not relevant, relative!

Viviennemary Sun 30-Dec-12 13:30:26

I think it is pretty bad to be going through somebody's personal stuff. If a man had done this there would certainly be calls of controlling, abusive and so on. Still I might do it myself if I felt the need. Sorry if that sounds hypocritical!

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 13:32:17

Do parents really treat their adult children and their spouses that differently?

My DM sends us the same amount each for Xmas & birthdays as does MIL and I can't imagine giving my sons more than their partners when they are grown up.


Pendipidy Sun 30-Dec-12 13:32:38

Have you asked him how much his father gave him?

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 13:33:33

Yes, it is bad to go snooping BUT the OP only did that because her dp was secretive. Her dp was the first to do something wrong, the OP wouldn't have had to snoop if he had been open and honest.

Bette, when you say FIL gave you and the DCs £100, was that £100 between you or £100 each?

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 13:35:47

But it's not clear to me that he was secretive. From my reading, he put the cheque in his pocket and out it upstairs. Would you really ask/tell how much it was in front of the person who had gifted it?

Even if he was, surely the first call is to ask, not to snoop?

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 13:36:10

* then put

BertieBotts Sun 30-Dec-12 13:37:49

I would assume it might be to pay off a debt or something that OP did not know about.

Nancy66 Sun 30-Dec-12 13:38:19

it's his money to do what he wants with. I don't see the issue here at all.

ilovesooty Sun 30-Dec-12 13:46:48

The OP snooped without asking him how much the cheque was for and without even waiting for him to talk about it.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 30-Dec-12 13:51:18

From reading the amount of threads who say the money is communal not for the person intended I shall ensure when DS is grown up that I dont give him money but buy him something instead.

I was of the opinion that a gift to a person was just that, if i wanted the partner to have it it would have been a joint gift.

Its quite sad that an adult cannot be given money to treat themselves without being told well no actually we will spend it on x as its family money.

The OP is not married, why should her partners father give her the same amount. £100 is already extremely generous so wanting her partners money too is just greedy.

Being married or in a relationship doesnt mean you share everything, christmas and birthday gifts are not communal. The OP's partner is still a son to his father and most parents like to treat their children.

mum11970 Sun 30-Dec-12 13:51:29

I think it's more of an issue that op can't ask her dh about it.

FriendlyLadybird Sun 30-Dec-12 14:02:41

I've been thinking about this, and decided that the behaviour on both sides is actually quite odd. Why cannot the OP and her partner just talk to each other? And why did his father give such different amounts as gifts?

My mother has occasionally given me similar sums of money, but it has always been understood that she has given it to both of us. My DH has always been reluctant to act as if he is spending any of this money, though, so I generally spend it, though on something to benefit the family.

For my birthday, and some other unbirthday occasions, though, when smaller amounts are involved, it is always made clear by everyone that any money given to me is to be spent by me on myself. My DH would reject any attempt of mine to share it.

Did the OP's FIL want to give his son a major contribution to something he's been longing for, but not been able to buy because it would be selfish to take it out of family money? I could see my mother wanting to do that for me, or my wanting to do it for either of my children when they're grown up.

skullcandy Sun 30-Dec-12 14:26:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 30-Dec-12 14:32:09


wannaBe Sun 30-Dec-12 14:33:25

it wouldn't occur to me not to tell my dh how much but tbh the issue isn't one of money IMO it's that of the gift, and this belief that when it's money it's not a gift but a family entitlement.

Let's say that, for instance, a parent bought their child an expensive piece of jewellery, or a watch, or similar. Do you think that, if the family had financial issues, they should be expected to selll it in order to deal with those? And if not, why not? It's no different after all, parent gives child expensive gift vs parent gives child money as expensive gift...

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 14:49:40

"I shall ensure when DS is grown up that I dont give him money but buy him something instead."

Yeah, make sure to pick something his cunt of a wife can't use, or she might share a little bit of HIS gift that is just for him and nobody else oh no.

"Let's say that, for instance, a parent bought their child an expensive piece of jewellery, or a watch, or similar. Do you think that, if the family had financial issues, they should be expected to selll it in order to deal with those?"

Of course.

Are there people who would let their children go hungry rather than sell a watch?

"it is not selfish to keep money given TO you FOR you by YOUR parents to YOURSELF."



BoneyBackJefferson Sun 30-Dec-12 14:51:12

"Yes, it is bad to go snooping BUT the OP only did that because her dp was secretive. Her dp was the first to do something wrong, the OP wouldn't have had to snoop if he had been open and honest."

She never asked, and TBH if she can't trust him she shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Stop trying to justify something that is wrong.

jellybeans Sun 30-Dec-12 14:56:43

I can see some future nightmare MILs on this thread!

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 14:58:15

I think we're wandering a bit off track when we talk about selling a watch if the family had financial issues.

This is a CHRISTMAS gift from a father to a son - not wages, income, lottery win, etc. A Christmas gift. Very sad that one cannot have a Christmas gift without people thinking it should be discussed with everyone or shared. Amount doesn't matter a jot. A gift is a gift to be used as the recipient sees fit - amount immaterial. If it's okay to have £50 to yourself for Christmas and not £1000 that reeks of pure jealousy. Okay it is a lot of money but a personal gift is just that, personal between giver and recipient, no one else's business. The fact that you may have a partner and children is beside the point and just sad to think that you can never have anything to yourself ever again. I doubt the OP is starving and the children going without anything and I wouldn't imagine that if there were financial difficulties that either parent wouldn't sacrifice something, but that isn't the point here.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 30-Dec-12 14:58:46

On the brightside maybe its for his escape fund.

NamingOfParts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:02:16

wannaBe, that is an interesting point. I guess it would very much depend on how the family dealt with their financial situation. If they are of the 'his money/her money' then their approach might be different from if they were a communal fund family.

However, it might be an academic debate if the bailiffs call!

Whether it should or shouldnt be shared is only one part. What is strange in my opinion is not talking about it.

skullcandy Sun 30-Dec-12 15:05:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 15:10:23

But when your children marry or live in a partnership with someone you are gaining a son/daughter and so should treat them the same surely?
You wouldn't give one of your kids £100 and give the other £1000 would you??

Well, I wouldn't that's for sure!

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:15:37

Horsemad - that is up to the recipient to do what he wants with.

The OP's father didnt have to give her £100. He chose to. Should he have given her £1000 as well? He gave his son £1000 for whatever reason - it is the prerogative of the son do use that money as he wishes. If you take your argument further then the grandchildren should all get the same amount irrespective of age or need and that should also be shared out communally. Why can't parents help their children at christmas with a gift without all this analysing of it. A gift is a gift.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 15:17:14

I think what you should do with gifted money depends largely on the state of your finances.

Being secretive about it isn't on though.

One thing that has astounded me on this thread is how not being married means you are just a girlfriend/insignificant - even if you are living together, have children and are a family. Apparently, according to some posters, this means nothing unless you are married?! I thought that attitude died out years ago, seemingly not hmm

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 15:17:49

"i'd give it to the kids.. or are you also in the habit of taking their stuff to sell to benefit yourself too..."


Wow, you think a parent selling something valuable to make sure their children don't go hungry is "taking stuff to benefit themselves"?

Have you ever met any humans that like other humans?

Keep all your precious money to yourself.

I'm sure it will make you very happy.

ilovesooty Sun 30-Dec-12 15:19:34

I wonder if it would even have been an issue if the results of the OP's snooping had revealed the information that the cheque was for the same amount that she got in cash? She snooped as far as I can see because she expected it to be for more, so the fact that she took this course of action rather than ask him speaks volumes to me about their communication issues.

And I'm of the opinion that if it was a gift, rather than money earned or won, it's his to spend as he wishes, provided the family isn't in financial difficulties.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:21:05

Chipping - I think it's more to do with the fact this was a personal Christmas present.

If I got Chanel No 5 perfume for Christmas would i ensure every member of the family had to share it with me. No, of course not - but evidently a cash amount is different in some people's view.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 15:21:09

I don't agree that parents need to give their children and their children's partners the same amount. Yes they are part of the family, but they are not your son or daughter in the same way. Lovely gifts - of course, the same value - not essential at all.

happyinherts - jealousy? What a weird thing to say.

skullcandy Sun 30-Dec-12 15:21:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 15:22:13

Yes - a large amount of money is different, to deny that fact is ridiculous.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 15:24:05

But then, if I was given a box of chocolates for christmas I'd share - I wouldn't sit there and eat the lot without offering them around. It doesn't mean I feel they belong to the family though.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 15:25:20

I would also be fine with eating them on my own if I was home alone or the kids were in bed grin

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 15:25:27

Well happyinherts that is exactly how the GC are treated in this family. All get exactly the same amount whether the grown up children have spouses or cohabit and the GC get the same amount for Xmas & birthdays.

All I can say is I'm glad my kids' spouses/partners will have me & DH for inlaws!
At least they will be treated equally smile

strumpetpumpkin Sun 30-Dec-12 15:26:57

i think its incredibly generous that they gave you £100 and none of your business what they gave him. Dps grandparents give him a cheque each time we go to visit. he doesn't mention it or hide it, but they're not my gps and its meant for him. likewise if my parents give me money its nothing to do with dp. We don't pool our money and never have and probably never will

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:28:18

And would you expect the grandchildren's christmas money to be shared out? No, I didn't think so. It's personal.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 15:32:58

"If I got Chanel No 5 perfume for Christmas would i ensure every member of the family had to share it with me."

And if you got a nice Le Creuset casserole, I hope you would make your husband ask permission before using it.

Just imagine if he stole your individuality by putting some unwanted braising steak in a pot that was a present to only you, you, you.

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 15:33:16

Boney, I disagree. I'm entitled to disagree with you. Don't be so bossy!

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 15:33:40

happyinherts we ALL get the same amount so no sharing is needed smile.

It is totally alien to me that my parents & inlaws would treat any of us differently.

SaraBellumHertz Sun 30-Dec-12 15:36:35

Really surprised at the comments on this thread shock

I received a large sum of money recently and it wouldn't have occurred to me not to tell DH. As far as I was concerned it was family money and that's how it was spent, on the family.

If DH in a similar position hid a sum of money from me I'd be appalled, but fortunately I'm married to a generous, livy man who would put the needs of our DC and me before himself without hesitation

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:37:26

My husband wouldnt dream of touching kitchen utensils - he hasn't learnt where they are yet but that's a totally different matter !

Fact is we decide what we do with gifts, share, keep to oneself, discuss. Nothing should be expected. You should never be expected to share one's personal Christmas present. If you do, fair enough, but a Christmas gift is personal.

And Horse okay so everyone gets the same amount but would you want your grandchildren's money to be used communally for the benefit of all the family or just for them personally to choose what to do with. There is a difference there.

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 15:41:20

It would be their money to do with as they please happyinherts.

BUT, my point is that if everyone receives the same amount there is no huge disparity to cause friction or ill feeling.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:42:48

There wouldnt be any friction or ill feeling if everyone could accept the fact that it isnt anyone else's business who gives what to whom

XiCi Sun 30-Dec-12 15:43:05

I havent trawled through all 9 pages but my initial thought is that I cant believe people are on relationships, live together, have kids etc yet arent comfortable enough to ask a really basic question like 'what did your dad give you for Xmas'. Thats a bit sad!

XiCi Sun 30-Dec-12 15:44:46

in relationships

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 15:53:08

Sleigh. You seem so judgemental about how other people arrange their money and what it says about their relationship.

Of course I wouldn't care if he used my bowl, whether it was given as a gift or I brought it with gift money. What I would care about (and he would too) is if I was obliged to buy something that we both wanted, or to request a gift that we both wanted rather than something I myself wanted.

If every occasion where money is spent needs to be a joint decision, then I would feel stifled. I'm not saying you have to feel that way, but you seem very angry about people who look at things in a different way.

skullcandy Sun 30-Dec-12 15:55:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieMaggie Sun 30-Dec-12 16:05:07

What I think is more weird is that the OP has known about it since Christmas Day and posted here about two days ago but still hasn't spoken to her DH about it... I think that says more about their relationship than anything!

cricketballs Sun 30-Dec-12 16:18:15

I was gifted £1000 by my patents last year for no reason other than they felt guilty that they had been helping out my ds and I hadn't received anything no matter my objections they would not return it and insisted I was given it my dh never even considered that I used it for the 'family pot' even though we share all monies, I.e. both wages get paid into the same account and we don't have seperate accounts so all spending is from this one joint account.

I treated myself to little things that I couldn't normally afford and neither dh or I thought nothing of it. Similarly, dh has just received a small inheritance and at no point do I expect this to be added to family money, it was left to him, not us.

I agree with the many posters that have said it was a personal gift from a parent to their child and so not up for automatic family money

Bogeyface Sun 30-Dec-12 16:25:37

I wouldnt assume it was family money either if DH was given some (as he was recently, I mentioned it in a pp), it would be the fact that he didnt mention it and wouldnt talk about it that would bother me.

I would tell him if I had some money given to me and he has told me about the gift he recently got. It was spent on a new computer for the family, he bought himself a new phone and the rest went on paying the bills as a couple of weeks later he lost his job!

Darkesteyes Sun 30-Dec-12 16:41:27

ChristmasJubileeSat 29-Dec-12 14:35:46

I gave my dsd £1000 for Christmas. She has recently had a baby and is not going back to work. Childcare would be far more than she earns. The only money she has is her child benefit and a small amount of tax credits. Her dh gives her money if she asks

Wow Surely you mean childcare would cost far more than THEY earn.
And he gives her money if she asks?
Couple of red flags waving here.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sun 30-Dec-12 17:41:01

Yanbu to be upset that he did not tell you about the money.

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 19:53:38

cricket - fair enough but presumably you tell dh about any money you are given and vice versa. Which is not how it worked for the OP.

cricketballs Sun 30-Dec-12 21:33:48

But panto if the op expects gifts to go in the 'family pot' then no wonder he doesn't say anything!

He could though be planning a suprise...

TuppenceBeresford Sun 30-Dec-12 23:56:41

Wow, can I just remind people that the cheque is for, uh, £1000?! If the OP and her husbands are millionaires then sure, it's no big deal. But for most regular people surely that's a lot of money?? If I received a sudden windfall of a grand how on earth could I justify spending it on clothes and treats for myself while we are struggling to pay bills? That's not why we got married.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 31-Dec-12 01:43:34

Do those of you who expect a personal cash gift to be shared (even if you have been given your own cash gift by the same person) actually tell the person giving the gift?

Im not quite sure how I would react if my child's partner after receiving his/ her own personal gift from me also wanted my child's gift.

If my child decided without pressure to buy a family thing fair enough but to feel obliged to have to by there partner, I'm pretty sure I would consider that to possibly be financially abusive but grasping at the very least.

I may be coming from a different perspective as if any of my kids had financial difficulties I'm in a position to sort it out for them and any birthday/ Christmas gifts would be on top of any bailing out. I also would be highly unlikely to give such significantly different value gifts. But then again I do make it perfectly clear if a gift s a joint gift or a individuals gift.

cantspel Mon 31-Dec-12 02:02:26

Tuppence but the op has not said they are struggling to pay bills as we know nothing of their financial situation as it has not been given.

The simple fact is she snooped so loses any right to question him about the cheque. This place is full of double standards as no one would make any excuse for a man who snooped on his wife. If she wanted to know then she should have asked not snoop.

A personal gift is just that and is not for sharing unless the recipient wishes to. The giver clearly wanted to give separate gifts as he gave the op and dc,s their own present so why should they now think they have a share of his?

ebersneezer Mon 31-Dec-12 02:28:19

If the person opened the gift in public and didnt say anything, that's fine, it is a very large sum! I would think that they were being polite and discrete. I would expect my husband to mention something in private, the only nice reason not to say anything would be for a surprise.

If someone gave me £1000 I would find it hard to spend on myself. Ok I could;) but I wouldnt. At my meaness I would get myself some shoes and put the rest in savings under my name, for a rainy day. Other ideas would be an emergency family fund, holiday fund, TV fund, the list goes on.

I was given a £1500 2 years ago and I got a solid wood dining table and chairs for the family. I didn't keep it secret. If my husband had said that his parents had given him a gift of £10000 and he wanted to spend it on that bike or that laptop, then that would be fine. If we were not starving, of course ;)

However family expenses are organised it is a lot of money to go unmentioned.

Damash12 Mon 31-Dec-12 06:14:50

Any news yet in A) him telling you about or b) you asking? This is where the real debate will begin!

Pantomimedam Mon 31-Dec-12 10:20:25

Ask your dp. Say something like 'It was really generous of your father to give me £100 at Christmas, how much was your cheque?'

squeakytoy Mon 31-Dec-12 10:23:15

I would just be upfront and say "so what are you planning on spending your xmas present from your parents on?"

LettyAshton Mon 31-Dec-12 10:49:58


I think the dp should have told the OP about the cheque. BUT probably the dad wanted his son to have a bit of "mad" money rather than see it eaten up by the electricity bill or whatever. It would be really depressing to think that if you gave your dc some money (with the caveat that the family wasn't in dire difficulties) the spouse grabbed it and insisted it was spent on the council tax.

And the OP was given £100. As a dil who always received a box of Ferrero Rocher with one week left to the sell-by-date I would have been delirious with happiness with £10.

StuntGirl Thu 10-Jan-13 20:30:07

Did you ask him then OP?

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