Mumsnet Talk

... bang on the door, and shout 'Why on earth did you give my dd diet pills? Are you insane woman?' Because a) she's MUCH bigger than me and b) she is insane?

background: dd has been friends with girl since they were 3. They were at nursery together. Have never communicated that well with mum or felt I know her well - her Mum's English isn't great (she's French Algerian), and her life is quite chaotic - six kids, one of whom is brain damaged from a fall from a window a few years ago. Mum has physical and mental health problems.

DD came home from their house last week with 12 diet tablets in a blister pack. God knows what they contain - googled them and found very little information. I think they're the ones which absorb fat from food. But could be more than that. Whatever, they've gone in the bin, and we had to endure an evening of screaming and shouting from dd, who is slightly overweight (allergic to exercise and fond of eating crap), who had been persuaded by the friend's mum that these tablets could be the answer to her problems.

I mean really - it's bonkers isn't it? But I'm afraid of this girl's mum as she's a bit unstable and VERY outspoken. I was once witness to her screaming at another mother in the street over something to do with comments which had passed between their daughters. So I won't be saying anything to her. Just binning the tablets and telling dd she's NEVER to take anything without our say so, and that diet pills don't work.

I'd be scared too. Does DD not recognise that she is weird? Presumably she knew enough to tell you about / let you find the dodgy pills?

DD knows the mum is bonkers.

But she's desperate to lose weight. <not desperate enough to do any exercise mind>

The mum is unstable and you are scared of her but you let your child go round her house?

I can see why you are reluctant to confront her!

Could you and DDI not exercise together in.other ways, swimming, zumba wii fit or dance DVD's?

DDI!? Ignore me.

Yes.

DD has been friends with girl since nursery. Mum has bipolar disorder. But she's always been nice to dd, and as far as I'm aware there is no social services involvement with the family.

I would have a big talk about not accepting 'stuff' from people, even if they are known to her. I would take her and the pills to your GP or pharmacist and get them to impress on her how dangerous this woman's behaviour was. And give her as much praise and confidence as you can if she yold you about them rather than taking them behind your back.

DD would rather chuck herself off a cliff than do an exercise class. Especially with me.

Yep, YANBU the woman is clearly a lunatic. I'd be like you, really wanting to say something as what she has done is dangerous, as well as reinforcing an unhealthy mindset for your dd. However, from your description of her past antics, probably wouldn't make a positive difference in the long term!

I do hope your dd finds a better way to be happy with herself x

I'd also get them to spend their time at your house rather than the friend's as much as possible.

I only found out about the tablets because I saw them in dd's hand. She didn't come and tell me about them. She was FURIOUS with me when I told her she couldn't take them.

Point out to your DD that if the pills worked so well the mum would be skinny.

(I'm betting she's not, as I've never met a skinny Algerian with 6 DC).

I think you should go around to the "insane" mum and point out that it wasn't a good idea for her to give these to your DD. Like any normal to normal person would.

It's good to pretend we're normal, I find.

can't you tell the woman that you showed the diet pills to your GP who advised your dd not to take them? Then thank her for her concern and say you know she meant to be kind but ask her not to let dd have any more of them. You can express it in very simple English or go round and speak to her to her face so she can see you smile. Don't think she'll have a fit about it.

Lynette - I'm scared of the mum. She's an educated woman. Surely she KNOWS you shouldn't give diet pills to a 13 year old?

id let the girls round your house and not hers if she is thinking it is ok to get somebody elses child diet pills what else is she letting them do or take , keep your dd safe in he own house,

I wouldn't let my dd over there again, the friend could come to yours and cut out contact with the pill pushing mum.

Mind you I would eat the fucking head off her if she gave my child tablets like that, does it matter if she screams at you in the street as long as she gets the message that she is not to give your child pills?

Your dd needs help but not from her from you, maybe you could help her get more active and cut out the crap food before she finds a way to get more pills.

Oh and Lynette, you are right. She's built like a Sherman tank.

wh y are you scared of the mum you are showing your dd that it is ok to be scared of people go round take your dd round and say she must never give YOUR child any drugs again or you will go to the police,

As the mum is possibly volatile, I'd not go to her house.

But nor would my dd, ever again.

Like pp I would make an appointment with your GP. Speak to GP / receptionist beforehand and then let your daughter and GP talk alone. Then be as supportive as you can of DD and tell her you will support her in any healthy weight loss attempts.

Just go with the GP/pharmacist then. She may listen to another adult more readily than she'll listen to you. I would take the tack that she is very important and precious to you. This woman could have put her in danger re allergies etc. Also explain that a lot of these 'diet' pills contain stuff that makes you shit yourself uncontrollably if you eat any fat at all with them. You would be so unset for her if this happened to her in a public place and she'd never be able to live it down if seen by friends etc etc.

Illegal diet pills often contain amphetamines etc which can send you psychotic (lay it on thick) give you heart palpitations etc etc.

Let her see you love her and you're on her side.

OP can you phone her instead, these pills are more than likley give your dd the runs as she isnt eating correctly and if she took them she would be really ill,

Hmm. Tricky.

I was overweight as a teenager and tried several vastly unhealthy ways of losing weight.

But if my mother had offered explicit help I would have been mortified and more depressed. It is a very sensitive area.

Healthy eating and exercise for its own sake - healthy heart/liver/brain, not measured by bathroom scales or tape measure but by how you feel in yourself - is something the whole family can get into as a new year's resolution. "Ugh, I feel so lazy and bloated after all that rich Christmas food, how about you, DH? Let's improve our health for 2013" sort of thing. Would that work?

Diet pills are obviously hocum otherwise the NHS would obviously use them. That's the line I'd want to take. The only ones that even sort of work short term are amphetamines that make you energetic and not hungry ... and fucking loopy.

"maybe you could help her get more active and cut out the crap food before she finds a way to get more pills."

Short of locking the fridge and depriving dd of any pocket money, there is no way to stop her eating between meals. Nowt wrong with my cooking - it's all from scratch. I'm sensible with portion sizes as well. DD has only put on weight since she's had more autonomy. When I had control over what she spent her pocket money on, and where she went, she was slim. Sadly teenagers are fairly resistant to adults trying to control their eating.

Your DD should never, ever accept pills from anyone and that needs to be your main message. She shouldn't be going to that house any more. You need to speak to the mother.
At 13yo she should know not to accept pills, and as she did accept them and is now kicking off at you for getting rid of them I would think there is a very good chance she will be straight back round to her friends house for more. Next time she will do a much better job of concealing them from you.

I wouldn't ban your dd from going over there, simply because at 13 you can't actually stop her without a humungous row.

And you don't want to be in the position where your dd chooses to move in with them.

She needs to know about the liquid farts and the smell that the tablets cause, rather than the "health" aspects of it. She won't care what side effects there will be in 20 years' time, but she might mind being shown some of the information on "ally" (I think it's called) and other tablets that is available on the net.

perhaps best if you have a word with the mum, piprabbit talks sense.

...and while not giving DD an obsession with being an x-ray, help her to understand the simple obvious truth that if she eats too much and does too little, she gets fat. Turn it round and she loses weight.

if she is armed with the facts, and knows that pills are not the answer, then it is her call.

There are so many issues with this post, I don't know where to start...
Someone with more eloquence than me will be along any second. I hope.

"Ugh, I feel so lazy and bloated after all that rich Christmas food, how about you, DH? Let's improve our health for 2013" sort of thing."

DD's response to that would be 'pass the mayonnaise, and don't let the door bang shut on your arse when you go to the gym'.

I say black. She say white. And rolls her eyes.
It's like that.

wow, that is insane.

Are you sure your daughter and her friends didn't just take the pills from the mum's store of them.

Hard to imagine an adult actually giving diet pills to a kid. They're so dangerous! And I'm saying this as an anorexic mum with a mild form of bipolar disorder myself.

the side effects of those over the counter fat thingy tablets are v ery unpleasant apparently <eww>

So, this woman gave your daughter diet pills (and you have no idea of their effects), you are too scared to confront her, you can't stop your daughter overeating, and you don't seem to intend to stop her visiting the friend.

What do you intend to do?

Were they over the counter or prescribed ones? If prescribed the loony mother has broken the law, if over the counter she has been deeply irresponsible, what if your DD had underlying health issues/heart problems/whatever which you just hadn't told anyone about?

If she were my DD, she would never ever go to that woman's house again.

op what if the mother gave your dd speed what would you do ? you really need to do something tbh

Should I be able to stop her overeating?

Not keen on her going to friend's house again, but banning her and enforcing it would require a permanent grounding, which would be difficult to maintain in the medium and long term.

Don't think they are prescription, but it's hard to tell. They're a French brand and there's very little information on them online.

The amount of fat in dd's diet - if she'd taken them and carried on eating normally it would have been an oily diarrhea catastrophe within hours. <strokes chin hairs and looks crafty >

You might not be able to stop her overeating, but shrugging and doing absolutely nothing is simply abdicating your responsibilities.

Or have you got a cunning plan that you have just forgotten to mention so far?

Do you keep crap in the house?
Start off the NY with no biscuits, crisps, fizz etc.

I dunno shag you don't seem to want to take action and do something about your dd's weight, for every good suggestion posters have written you come back with an excuse for why it won't work.

What's autonomy?

Some things are worth the fight and your dd having a positive relationship with food is well worth a good row if she wants one.

Look - I cook sensible, good food. I watch the portion sizes. We don't buy junk food or takeaways. I don't keep sweet drinks or cake or crisps in the house. Not even squash! But dd WILL take food out of the fridge, and she WILL buy crap with her pocket money on the way back from school. She doesn't get much pocket money, but what with what she gets off my mum and ds's mum... We have tried stopping her pocket money, asking people not to give her money, and we've kept it up for months, (not to stop her buying crap, but in response to disrespectful behaviour), but she will still eat one way or another.

She needs to learn to control her eating. I can do my part by setting her a good example (I eat well and am not overweight), and by having healthy food in the house, but other than that there is nothing I can do to FORCE her to lose weight OR exercise.

I'd like to tackle dd's weight too, but I'm not sure where to start.

Any comment from me at all results in her storming out, and finding something to eat.

I cook healthy meals (ok Christmas is a bit shite, but generally they are healthy). But she will always choose the poorer choice - so extra potatoes/bread rather than veg or salad. She will fry eggs rather than poach or boil. She will eat anything she can find between meals.

And she hates all exercise.

So I'm a bit stumped.

have you tried having some treats in the house have you never had any or is this just recent because she is putting on weight? sometimes children rebel to 'healthy food' and will try and sneak what they are not allowed usually as they start puberty and getting their own money,

You could go out for regular family walks. Get a dog.
Definitely stop the pocket money.

Stop making excuses.

Tell other family members you don't want them to give money to her, and tell them why.
Is she happy being overweight?

how over weight is she sometimes girls grow out the way instead of up especially as an early teen as they take shape dd2 did and she is still a bit but loosing it as she grows into her shape of hips and boobs,

NannyOgg, we have a dog. We go out for walks. She refuses to come.

How long should I stop her having pocket money for? Until her BMI is within the healthy range? Or until she runs away from home because she hates us so much for punishing her for being a stone overweight?

The OP's daughter's weight is not relevant to this thread

Somebody gave a thirteen year old kid diet pills. That is the problem here.

OP - if this woman did give the children the pills rather than the children finding them themselves then you either need to have strong words or even take it further - this is (maybe? I think?) illegal and terribly dangerous.

I mean her weight is, obviously relevant. But solutions to it is not what the OP is asking for right now. That's what I meant.

I hear you about the overeating Shag.

Same here with good food at home.

My son in Yr 7 actually picks up coins from the school yard (can hardly believe it but it's the done thing to throw away coins of 5p or under). He then spends these on crap in the garage on his way home from school.

He will not take exercise unless it's bike riding with us away from traffic or walking up mountains or 'swimming' ie playing in the water with friends and eating chips from the cafe afterwards (why do they serve these in leisure centres ffs)

Watching for solutions with interest.

I mean her weight is, obviously relevant. But solutions to it is not what the OP is asking for right now. That's what I meant.

you are right we got sidetracked this woman gave a 13 yr old pills and it isn't ok

Mary - how old is your dd?

My dd has a toddler brain at the moment, combined with raging teenage hormones.

She wants what she wants (to stay up until 3am every night, go out with her friends every day, or if not go out, spend the entire day horizontal eating and texting). Any attempts to thwart her in her attempts to do what the hell she wants result in massive screaming outbursts, epic sulks, door kicking, etc.

If she reaches 18 without me killing her or running away from home myself, I'll consider it a huge parenting success.

you have posted about your dd before have you not? i agree with another poster that you do seem very woe is me and not proactive. however if she is only a stone over weight then perhaps its only puppy fat? i would be more concerned about the screaming and vandalising of your home.what are your punishments for such behaviour or do you just shrug your shoulders again?...

I just shrug my shoulders now. Not.

Because we've tried grounding her for months at a time.

Taking her phone away for months at a time.

Sending her to bed early for weeks on end.

Talking to her in an adult way, trying to be consistent, calm, hold the line.

But none of this has stopped the outbursts or defiance.

It must be that we is just crap parents.

Meant to add - I know I need to say something to dd's friend's mum.

I'm dreading doing it though.

dd is 16 now.

I'm a crap parent too [comforting].

Because I can't physically force her into a pair of runners and put her outside the door, making sure she doesn't come back in until she has been for a run.

Or should I?

With regard to the diet pills I would ring NHS direct/GP and the police for advice. I would perhaps get in touch with school (the mother may be giving these pills to her children).

I would suggest confiscating the phone, unplugging the wifi and trying to do some enjoyable together. Even shopping involves walking around. Also emphasise that the mother is not slim.

maybe if your dd sees your standing up to the mum she might tow the line better, teens are hard work but worth the effort

It's very easy to say " Do this, that and the other, but very very difficult to put into practise with teens.

I see this as two problems

1. The stupid woman who gave her the pills . . I would have a word with her. Even if she doesn't listen, I would feel obliged to tell her how wrong she is.

2. Dd's weight.. Very tricky to tackle without WW3 starting. Can you boost her self confidence so that it doesn't seem like you are criticizing her. I think getting the whole family into a bit more excersise is the best way. I was concerned that my DD was getting a bit rounded ( she has since grown into her curves) . I put some of her music on and started doing silly dancing to it. She couldn't stop laughing and did join in. We now do ' mad dancing' quite often.

"I would suggest confiscating the phone, unplugging the wifi and trying to do some enjoyable together"

<hollow laugh as remembers futile shit storms caused by taking above action on multiple occasions>

By the way, if you still have the tablets take them to your local pharmacists. They will identify them, and probably be able to refer you to a couple of scary websites with side effects.

If you can convince her that side effects include spots, greasy hair and skid marks, she might realise they aren't such a good idea.

The trouble with dealing with the mother is that if she is the type of person who thinks it's reasonable to give diet pills to a 13 year old, she is probably not the type of person to listen to reason. So you may have to treat her like a child too, and tell her a complete lie - such as that your dd is allergic to everything - rather than try to persuade her that she is wrong.

I dunno. I can cope with the kids, it's the parents I struggle with

You sound as though you have no say in what your dd eats, where she goes, who she sees and her life generally.
And worst than that you sound as if you have given up trying. I think diet pills are the least of your problems.

But Bobyan, by the time a child is 13, you don't control what they eat outside the house. Or who they are friends with. And if you are fighting a lot, sometimes you have to pick your battles and take a step back. Otherwise you would go mad.

[bitter]

i dont believe you have taken her phone away or grounded her for months either.sorry but i remember your other posts and it sounds like you let her away with murder.believe me its not that long.ago since i was a teenager so i know how much they push but you must be the parent here.starting by going round to see this woman.

Easier said than done though. I am also a rubbish mum. I've had a bit of counselling and have learnt that it's not just what I say to my teen but the tone in which I say it.

So what happens when you try all those things? She carries on regardless, even though she goes nowhere, speaks to no-one, watches nothing?
Really? Nothing makes a difference at all?

there really is only so much controlling you can do with a 13 yr old concerning eating tbh they are at high school have their pocket money blah blah, dd1 used to eat chips at school most days when she was that age,

Op have a read of MaryChristmasZEverybody other thread on teens. People are less judgemental and have some fab advice on there.

Yeah your right, she's reached the ripe old age of 13. Let her hang around with who she wants, eating crap and potentially taking drugs.

I think the suggestion of taking her and the pills to the doctors surgery might be a good way to shock her re the pills. Maybe check with the doc first? She needs to know that accepting random pills is NOT a good idea. Next step is drugs from some cool older boy...

I prob wouldn't confront the other mother both for my DD's sake and for my own!

Tough one, OP on the weight/healthy eating front. what about dance classes? Street dance is fairly cool (but then I am 33 so what do I know?!), or trapeze skills - something mad and different maybe?

I think people are being unfair to you, OP. I know that before my daughter hit the age of 12 I had no idea how rapidly someone could change and how much she would dislike me.

Some people have children who go through adolescence without a problem. That's just chance. Luck.

One of my children had an easy adolescence and the other didn't. It wasn't because of me. It's just the way the hormones hit them.

Suggesting the child acts in a way that a non-hormonal child might act just indicates people don't understand the actual problem.

nanny some teens really really really don't listen. nothing works in the end. Trust me, It just don't work like that with some. If you have a teen for whom punishment works, then count yourself very very lucky.

shit storm? i assume you are talking about your dds reaction to punishments? at 13 i was still getting a clip around the year....u

If she reaches 18 without me killing her or running away from home myself, I'll consider it a huge parenting success.

My DD is 18 in March!! I will breath a hugh sigh of relief.

It is easy as a parent of a 7 year old to offer parenting advice to a parent of a teen but totally irrelevant.

Maybe take her to the doctor and ask if they would prescribe these pills for someone with her BMI (they won't if she is 13 and only a stone overweight) and why they won't.

I personally would be on the phone to the police and SS. The police because you have no idea what is in those tablets and they may get more sense taked in to her than you ever could and SS because they may have concerns about her giving them to her own DD.

no phone,no money,no internet no anything until her behaviour improves.the problem with punishments is they need to be followed through and some parents prefer to try and be bezzie mates rather than parents...

Mary - great advice about the pharmacist. I'm going to do it tomorrow!

"You sound as though you have no say in what your dd eats, where she goes, who she sees and her life generally."

No - when she's out the house on her way to and from school, and when she goes out I don't have ANY control over what she does. Short of putting a lock on the fridge, what do you suggest I do to stop her eating between meals at home?

"And worst than that you sound as if you have given up trying"

I try to stop dd being violent to her siblings, try to get her up and off to school on time in the mornings, make sure she does her homework, and that I know where she is if she's out the house. I try to get her to do some chores at home, and go to bed at a reasonable time. I challenge her every time she uses bad language or is disrespectful to me or her father.

So you see, I pick my battles. If you have a very difficult child you HAVE to, or you'd go mad and end up destroying your family.

Doinmummy I know some teenagers are nice, some are hideous and some are beyond vile.

So what do you do? Roll over and accept it or dig your heels in and do something about it?

You (the parent) holds (or should) the power and the purse strings. I do not for one second, think it's easy or straightforward. It's painful, it's hard and it's very worrying.

But you can't just do nothing whilst they walk all over you.

And whilst my DCs weren't especially vile, it wasn't a walk in the park either.

Do you have perfect children then, amothersruin?

I'm totally with you Shag.

Should add, that punishments DON'T always work as a deterrent to bad behavior. Even severe punishments. NannyOgg, you clearly think that if you u punish enough you can change a child's behaviour and attitude. It doesn't work like that for everyone.

If it did did prisons would be empty.

why is she behaving like thos though shag? something is making her like this. where did she learn that it is ok to shout or swear at adults? i went off the rails a bit at 16 but that was due to issues surrounding my mum and sd.what has happened to your dd? please seek further help for her.sounds like she is crying out for it.

the no phone never works imo I tried with my dd and we are not bezzie mates <rolls eyes> I am not my childs friend you have to pick battles sometimes although rolling over and letting them take the piss isnt the answer either, teenagers have no reasoning sometimes their brains can not process adult reasoning they are like another species sometimes,

Shag - just wanted to give you a <hug>

if prisons were run.the way they should be then they would be a real deterrent but thats by the by. by being firm with your dd now she may shout she hates you but will thank you for it later.

"But you can't just do nothing whilst they walk all over you".

You don't do 'nothing'. You model good behavior. You pick them up each and every time they breach your rules. You use sanctions. You apply them consistently.

We have done all of these things.

YANBU on either count. How dare she give diet pills to a child - is she mad?

Well, yes, clearly.

And I find it is generally a good idea to steer clear of large, angry unstable people. I'm all for an easy, confrontation and violence-free life.

But I would be fuming.

Although if they were Xenical (sp?) the ones which turn all the fat you eat to a vile smelly orange liquid that seeps out of your bum then perhaps you should have let DD try them. It might have put her off.

DDs weight is a side issue.

An adult gave a child drugs. That is the issue.

Fags and speed make you lose weight too. If an adult gave a child these it would be illegal.

Dig them out of the bin, take them to the pharmacist and find out what the hell they are. Then formulate a plan depending on the drugs involving the school, SS or the police.

I'm trying to think of how I'd react if an adult gave my child drugs. Dangerously is the only answer I have so far.

"if prisons were run.the way they should be then they would be a real deterrent but thats by the by"

What - like in the States? Where people are kept in tiny bare cells in solitary confinement for decades, and only allowed to see the sun for an hour a day?

In countries where they have the death penalty?

You nob.

then you didnt take the phone away for.long enough did you? i dont know anu.teen who.isnt surgically.attached to their phone and wouldnt greet at this sanction.

now i see why your dd thinks its acceptable to swear at adults.....

I have taken phone/ Internet etc away from DD. Result = she runs away. Police involved etc. sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Well shag for a woman who isn't keen on confronting the other mum you are well able to give it here

Errrrrr you're scared of the mum but your dd is still ok to go round there. Picking your battles seems to mean abdicating responsibility. An adult gave your dd drugs, call the bloody police women, god forbid you should protect her. What if it is an amphetamine based drug? What if she's had it before? Doesn't sound as if you're sure about much in your daughters life to be honest. Poor dd, whilst your busy being best mates, who is her mother?

yep.nob? wow what a keyboard warrior.i wss trying to give genuine advice as your dd sounds like she is crying out for help.good luck.

Dig them out of the bin, take them to the pharmacist and find out what the hell they are. Then formulate a plan depending on the drugs involving the school, SS or the police

I agree - and the designated safeguarding contact at the school would probably be interested in the information too.

Having had a quick look at some of the OP's other posts, she seems to have done everything in her power to address her daughter's difficulties. I think the criticism she's getting is unfair.

Do you punish dd with food? If you don't have junk food in your house she still finds ways to eat it which shows she has an unhealthy relationship with food. Do you think you may have contributed to that? I

Fwiw, I went through a chubby stage aged 13-20. I would imagine its normal whilst growing up during puberty. Unless she's clinically obese for her age, I wouldn't worry about her weight and just ignore the weird pill giving mother.

I don't think she can ignore the pill giving mother's actions. If, for example, the pills are speed they are a controlled drug. Whatever they are she can't go around giving unidentified pills to minors. I think the best bet is to get medical advice first.

I think it's unfair to be so hard on the Op. I am speaking from very bitter experience. Some teens are very very difficult. Oh that it were that easy to dish out discipline and hey presto, perfect kids.

to be honest if it was me I'd be raising welfare concerns for the woman's DC!! sounds harsh but if she saw right to give your did diet pills at 13 can you imagine what she could be like with her own children!? that could very detrimental to there own insecurities about weight as they get older let's face it I bet the majority of girls have wanted to loose weight pre-1. I also speak from experience on this one my my, was anorexic when I was a toddler and I have grown up with am awful view of food. I'm not by no means skinny but my eating habits are awful, just like my mums. I think I'm like that because I witnessed her anorexia. if those DC see there mum dishing diet pills out or even taking them they will think its right and may be taking them younger than your did I would seriously consider flagging this up with someone perhaps gp

I'd fish the "evidence" back out of the bin.

You're right you don't know what these tablets are.

Short of locking the fridge and depriving dd of any pocket money, there is no way to stop her eating between meals.

Well if you only keep healthy stuff in the fridge there's no need to lock it.

And if my dd needed to lose weight and was buying junk with her pocket money, yes I would stop it. I would be happy to buy anything else she needed in place of the pocket money, bar the junk.

I wouldn't go around to the other mums house though, but dd wouldn't be allowed around there!

Love the way me calling someone a nob for taking the Daily Wail line that prisons are too soft, is taken as evidence of my poor parenting.

I don't use food as punishment btw. [although dd would disagree - the fact that I don't regularly buy massive multipacks of crisps and fill the shopping trolley with coke is clear evidence for her of my parental neglect of her needs]

Head first - no cheese? Pate? Bacon? Butter?

My fridge has these things in as well as fruit and veg. Sadly it's these things dd eats when she's on the rampage.

I really can't stop buying cheese because she eats it can I?

And even olives make you fat if you eat enough of them!

Do you have a Wii? The money to get one? Because Wii Fit is good, or those dancey ones are meant to be fun and you do actually shift some flab. That may be a way to get your DD moving.

Having had an overweight monstrous 13 year old DD some years ago I have bucketloads of sympathy. I was in absolute despair at times - it's so easy to say "you should do this, say that" but the reality is different. It lasted a good few years (sorry) but she's lovely now. Hang in there. Just make the most of the few moments of good times, and do what you can to engineer some - it keeps you going through the darkness.

a child needs a lot of what she is eating Shag tbh it maybe comforting eating I dont know but a stone over weight isn't that much is it she isn't obese

t lasted a good few years (sorry) but she's lovely now. Hang in there. Just make the most of the few moments of good times, and do what you can to engineer some - it keeps you going through the darkness.

^ ^ this keep at it even if you have to keep repeating the same things then thats what u do

Yep, no cheese, if that's the only way . Then only buy it when just about to use it (if you have a local shop). Or at least the half fat stuff.

I know it will only work in the short term though, what needs to tackling is the reason behind the over eating. I can't help much there I'm afraid, I'm 32 and only just working this out for myself

It does help though not to have the key binge foods in the house.

Mrsjay - it's probably more than a stone tbh. She's 5ft 3 and weighs 10 stone.

Anyway - at the moment it feels like her eating is the least of our worries.

I'm glad I started this thread though, because I'm going to take the tablets to a pharmacist tomorrow. I'm then going to return them to the mum with a letter - "returning your tablets. I've asked the advice of a pharmacist who said these are not safe for children so please don't give her any more. Apologies if dd took the tablets without asking."

I'm glad I started this thread though, because I'm going to take the tablets to a pharmacist tomorrow. I'm then going to return them to the mum with a letter - "returning your tablets. I've asked the advice of a pharmacist who said these are not safe for children so please don't give her any more. Apologies if dd took the tablets without asking."

good for you , you need to stand up for your dd she will thank you eventually,

I can't empty my house of food, because we have to eat.

And I have two teenage sons, one of whom is seriously underweight, and the other who plays sport seven days a week. Both need a lot of food.

And there is usually no junk food so she will make tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches, with loads of butter and mayo (or should I not have those in the house either) or eat soup, or baked beans or raid the freezer.

Or sit down and eat a loaf of bread. Or start baking. Shall I chuck out the flour?

When she is feeling sorry for herself she eats. Otherwise, she is absolutely lovely. But me trying to stop her eating makes her unhappy, so she eats more.

It's a vicious circle.

Sorry, Shag, this isn't really on topic.

But is in reply to the people who seem to think that permanently taking a phone and pocket money from a teenager is a suitable punishment for them being overweight . If you did that, it would surely lead to an eating disorder of some type.

And I think nob is polite

I think trying to stop someone over eating when their eating is driven by an emotional compulsion is like trying to stop an alcoholic drinking.

Obviously you don't fill the house with fattening sugary snacks, but beyond that they have to learn to manage their eating - not have it managed for them.

Yes exactly.

I have introduced dd to my fitness pal, and I think she is beginning to see that she will have to change.

But me saying anything at all definitely makes it worse.

I do feel sorry for her though, because the boys are bottomless pits and haven't a pick. But they do use up loads of energy, which she doesn't do.

What an awful situation OP.

I know it's probably too late now to suggest this, but we've always had a rule in this house that the kids have to ask if they want something to eat...just so we can keep track of what they're eating (and so they don't snaffle the packed lunch stuff!)

So DS might say, "Mum can I have a bag of crisps please?" and I might say, "No darling, you've just had some jaffa cakes and earlier on you had an ice cream...have some fruit this time".

My parents did the same with us and it really helps to keep track of who's eating what and when.

How are things at school/with friendships? Is she going through the teenage-girl-hell? My DD comfort-ate like it was going out of fashion, and although I was the punching-bag and it seemed like it was home that made her unhappy, it was pretty much girls being cows to each other (she dealt it out as well as took it) and the ridiculous academic pressure she put on herself. I wish now that I'd understood that then.

Man alive. I rue wrinkles, bingo wings and the onset if menopause, but I would never want to be a teenage girl again.

Sympathies OP.

Shag ... just that really

Good idea about the note etc - probably the best way to let her know you know & not put yourself in harms way.

<love the people saying 'don't let her go there then' - clearly they haven't had/known 'difficult or any teenagers!>

Thanks all.

<glugs wine>

Just wanted to lend a supportive ear/shoulder to MaryZ and Shag as I am also the mother of one rather plump teenager and two whippet young adults. These things are never as simplistic as they seem to people who have no experience of it, and you need to tread extremely carefully for fear of giving a fat child a complex and making things worse.

DS3 (13) - very chubby. We struggle to get trousers in his age that do up at the middle. Started off as a very skinny child and then became inexplicably chubby aged nine, and has got fatter and fatter each year he has got older. He hates sport and does very little exercise out of choice, and certain lifestyle restrictions make it hard for him to walk much unless walking for the sheer sake of walking, iyswim. He would always eat junk food and pizza given the option, is a fruit and veg refusnik, but he does not over-eat in terms of quantity as far as I can see. He does do a feast and famine thing though - can go all day without food then has his evening meal and is hungry again in an hour and will come downstairs at midnight and radio the cupboards for crap. I have all but given up buying anything remotely 'treat-like' for this reason, but then DH and the other two moan because there is no food in. Luckily the other two do not live with me all the time.

DS2 (17) - very thin, always has been. Very active, likes sport but doesn't really play any these days so he can hardly feel smug on that count, but always full of nervous energy, can't stay still in one place for long. He's always hungry, but a grazer - needs to eat little and often, gets full very easily and will vomit if he gets too full. (not intentionally) He will eat lots of salad and veg, and LOADS of high carb bland food like pasta, rice and bread, and covers everything in mayonnaise or cream, puts three or four sugars in his coffee. A combination that would ordinarily would make someone fat - but not him. Can take or leave meat. He still eats loads of takeaways and junk though.

DS1 (20) - Pretty much leads a sedentary and slug-like existence, hates sport and eats mostly crap. Will eat fruit and veg, to a point, but like most young men his age he has a massive appetite and would always choose meat, chips, fry-ups, takeaways etc. Is not a big fan of sugary things though. He is built like Tarzan; extremely muscular and lean. He likes to walk a lot, but that is it.

How do I explain to DS3 where he is going wrong when he looks at the other two and and sees little or no exercise going on, loads of junk food and takeaways (they buy them, not me) and a very mixed bag of both good and bad eating habits and preferences, and yet they are both thin?

That is a rhetorical question, btw, but just wanted to say it is not as simple as it sounds to change it, and it is not a simple as saying 'he eats crap so he is fat, he eats well so he is thin.'

anyway, back to the mad Algerian......

raid, not radio obviously. That would be weird.

Shag and Mary and anyone else dealing with tricky teens for whatever reason, you have my sympathy, and a at anyone here who thinks that it's easy to make a teen obey if you are draconic or sneaky enough.
I usually post about DS, but in these sorts of situations, he's easy. DD is the tricky one, but I'd rather cope and compromise and pick my fights than have her suicidal.
Or self-harming.
She's not overweight, but we have other issues to deal with that have been very challenging over the last couple of years. And glib, simplistic answers make me want to break things over heads sometimes.

One of the side effects from those don't absorb fat pills can be 'anal leakage', we all know they can cause worse than that but I wonder if the treat of the unpredicted leakage happening (especially at school) might help scare her away from them while you support her with the other issues