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to want to throttle DP over bf, co-sleeping and chores?

(97 Posts)
Betteranon Fri 28-Dec-12 17:53:59

DD is 19mo and she is still bf and co-sleeping. I didn’t start off with any idealistic crusades in mind, before she was born I had not even read any parenting books (either Gina Ford nor attachment parenting gurus), I just did the best I could and this is how things have ended up. I had read the WHO guidelines on bf so I did that, and I ended up co-sleeping as a survival technique (DD was and continues to be a very poor sleeper. I have now read every book on sleep training and the ideas either don’t work or involve CC which I am not happy about, so the default is to go with the flow and co-sleep).

The problem is that I am now very, very tired despite giving up everything I could give up in order to have more time for DD (I used to work, but I gave that up and I am SAHM, I used to spend quite a bit of time with my horses but that’s dwindled to almost nothing). DP works (from home) but he has also had time to go on holiday (during a 3 week business trip abroad he had a week’s quiet time and went on holiday), he sleeps in, watches TV, plays computer games, etc. All I do is look after DD 24/7 (DP does help look after DD in the evenings, but he wants to have family time so mainly we are all three together so I never get any ‘me time’) and gradually DP has left me with all household chores (I now do all shopping, cooking, paying bills, going to the post office, taking DD to docs, sorting out everything to do with the dogs and horses, etc.).

So I was trying to talk to DP today asking him for more help and he came up with this gem: he is frustrated because I don’t appreciate how much easier things have gotten for me compared to when DD was a newborn, and in any case it’s all my fault I have DD all the time because of my parenting style and my choice to bf and co-sleep. He is sure that if I stopped bf and co-sleeping my life would be easier and I would be able to cope without help from him.

I want to kill him…can anyone suggest anything more constructive or shall I just go ahead and do it?

(regular user but name changed as I don't want to out myself)

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 28-Dec-12 18:04:31

He is being selfish.

He can't help you with the bf obviously and it's unfair to expect him to help you during the day when he is working.

But...he should be able to understand that giving you an hour to yourself a couple of days a week/doing something around the house would make the world of difference!

3littlefrogs Fri 28-Dec-12 18:22:45

He sounds a bit insensitive. I think communication is your problem TBH.

If you are BF and co-sleeping because it is your choice and is what you reallty want to do, that is different to doing it in desperation because you haven't managed to wean/sleep train your child. I am not suggesting it isn't a valid choice BTW. But I wonder if you complain about it to him, and in his rather tactless way, he is trying to offer advice?

What do you really want to do?

Parenting is a joint effort and it is really important to decide what you want, how you want to divide up the work load, agree on it and be honest.

He does sound selfish, and I would really resent the computer games, TV, holiday and sleeping in.

How much of the cooking/post office/child care/horses etc can he realistically do, once he accounts for work committments? Maybe you could sit down and work out a reasonable timetable.

It sounds as if you have a huge workload. Maybe it just isn't manageable, even with two of you.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 28-Dec-12 19:25:48

you sound like a martyr. if youve willingly given up all your hobbies to dedicate yourself to dd maybe you need to get some of that time back for yourself and leave dd with her father for a few hours.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Fri 28-Dec-12 19:33:22

I don't think you sound like a martyr, you sound like a good attentive mother who is parenting in a child orientated way. And when it comes to bad sleeping, breastfeeding and co-sleeping are sanity savers.

He however sounds like a selfish arse who doesn't get hat 24/7 with a toddler is like at all. You need to give DD to him and go out. ExP was like this, and gave me similar lectures on how leaving DS to cry ''would be fine'' angry and that I should stop bitching about being so tired if I insisted on responding each time he cried. Grrr...

somewherewest Fri 28-Dec-12 19:58:55

Yes your DP is being selfish, but I can see his point to a degree too. It sounds like you're making some big parenting choices unilaterally, and then expecting DP to offer unquestioning support. Things like co-sleeping are actually his choice too [runs and hides].

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Fri 28-Dec-12 20:03:24

"I would be able to cope without help from him" - so, if your dd slept through the night and drank cow's milk, he would not expect to have any input into the work of the house at all? Not in evenings/weekends? So his job is during the day, and yours is 24/7? hmm

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Fri 28-Dec-12 20:07:31

The problem, IMO, isn't that you do everything with your DD because of your parenting choices but much more that he doesn't do enough and then blames the choices you've made. I wonder if he would have any more input if your DD slept in her own room and was bottlefed? I can't see how he would tbh.

I agree that a shift in communication would help. Ask him to try seeing all the household chores as a team effort, and that includes caring for your DD. There are certain things that only you can do (ie bf'ing and cosleeping) but he could pitch in with other things and the rest gets shared out fairly, so you both end up with the same amount of "time off" so to speak.

If he refuses, hand DD over to him and bugger off for a day or two R&R wink

Saltytomato Fri 28-Dec-12 20:37:49

I can totally empathise. My DS is only 7 months old (dont know if i could last as long as you have) and I asked my DH to grab me a nappy today and he didn't know where I kept them. ARGH. He is also on holiday at the moment which means he gets to sleep in and play video games all day whilst I continue to do the might feeds and when I ask him to do anything (dry our son after his bath/ feed him during the day etc) I am met with "Ok, if you go into the office for me next week" which I obviously can't do.

Just letting you know you are not alone! sad

yousmell Fri 28-Dec-12 20:39:07

I co-slept and BF for ages but DP has always supported me by having the kids for an hour or so when he gets in (so I can pop of to a gym class) and also spending half an hour cleaning/packing lunch boxes etc. We also have a weekly cleaner to take some pressure off.

He knows your DD's routine. Tell him as you are walking out the door that you are off out (to run an errand or go for a walk) and will be back at X time, then just leave in a rush without discussion. He will cope.

yousmell Fri 28-Dec-12 20:43:47

At 19 months your toddler will be able to have yogurt or a cup of breast milk needing something milky and your DH should really know how to settle her. He is her father after all. The fact that your toddler is BF and co-sleeping shouldn't be a problem bonding wise. Has he bonded with toddler? Is he frightened of being the responsible adult?

NellyBluth Fri 28-Dec-12 20:47:56

Your DP is being an arse, taking a week's holiday for himself and not helping out with housework etc is incredibly selfish.

However I do also agree with somewherewest that it really may seem to him that you have made a very big parenting decision by yourself, and I can certainly understand why he might feel as if he has been pushed out of 'parenting', so to speak. That's certainly how my DP finally explained things to me when we had some issues about childcare etc., I had just been making so many decisions by myself.

Could you perhaps talk to him about what he would like to do? 19m is a long time for you to have been sharing a bed with your DD. Co-sleeping really suits some families, but it sounds like it might not be suiting yours any more?

Betteranon Fri 28-Dec-12 20:50:06

The problem is that we have different versions of what needs to be done.

For example, we have 3 dogs which were acquired while we were together and one was entirely his choice (he chose the breed, the puppy, etc.) so getting them was a family decision. I do all the dog walking, DP thinks it's only fair because it's my choice to say that the dogs need walking. According to DP the dogs could just live in the house with toilet trips to the (small) garden and no walks, so since I am the one that thinks they need walking I should do the walking. He also thinks that by walking them I get them excited and they then need more walking. When he is in charge (pre DD I used to go away for work for the odd weekend) apparently the dogs are happy to stay in the house so it's my personality that generates the need in the dogs.

I think that is total bollocks from beginning to end but I can't make headway with this kind of reasoning in a discussion.

Now I think he is repeating the pattern. DD is quite a demanding child. As a baby she spent days when she needed to be held or she cried. I did what I could to respond to her (held her, stayed with her all day, etc.), my reaction to DD is not a choice but rather a response to how she is, the same way that walking the dogs is a response to their needs.

I think I may have to just take off every so often and let him cope his own way!

StrawberryMojito Fri 28-Dec-12 20:50:22

As someone who also breastfed for longer than I had intended and co slept out of necessary rather than choice, I would recommend you reconsider your parenting options if you are not completely happy with them. My DS started sleeping much better once I gave up co sleeping and then bf ing. Around the same time, I went back to work and reclaimed a bit of me. Your husband maybe right in that respect. However, I think being a SAHM is just as hard work as the average job and he needs to pull his finger out regardless.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 28-Dec-12 20:58:43

What? He wants dogs but doesn't want to walk them?

That, right there, sounds like a really odd way of thinking.

StrawberryMojito Fri 28-Dec-12 20:59:07

Having read your most recent post I wanted to add, I am not a dog lover but of course they need walking. Your husband is an idiot to get a dog if he didn't want to walk it.

Re your child, my DS was the same in re needing to be held ALL of the time when younger, I didn't create the behaviour, I responded to it. However, now he is older (14 months) I know that he can cope with more even if he is not always happy with it, I don't treat him like a newborn anymore.

But yes, I think your husband needs a reminder of what it is like to be the full time carer of a demanding baby.

Betteranon Fri 28-Dec-12 21:05:30

Regarding the decisions we decided together to give bf a go, didn't really set a time limit to it, I admit that I have kept going because it worked and it does settle her a lot so it's an easier solution than dealing with the crying some other way. Of course now she bfs a lot less than before and does half a day without bf even around me - if I was away I think she would do the whole day.

The co-sleeping we also originally decided together as we thought there was no point in both of us being up so he might as well sleep. Neither of us thought it would last this long and I'd happily wean her out of it but nothing I have tried seems to work so far (I have posted on this, gotten some good advice, tried out suggestions from books, but we're always back to square one. Things have not been helped by DD having to be in hospital this autumn which did stess her a lot and she took some steps back in terms of self-confidence and independence).

His argument was not so much that he can't take DD because I bf and co-sleep, he copes fine with her on the odd ocassions when he's given me a break, it's more that I am making a rod for my own back with the bf and co-sleeping and that if I gave those up I would be more rested, more able to take care of DD and less likely to therefore ask him for help with chores. A bit like the dogs I am inventing a need and fulfilling the need is tiring me out (according to DP).

He tends to have the same reasoning about loads of things: e.g. we need to clean the house, no that is my need so I should do it if I want to because he doesn't mind a dirty house; we need to shop/cook, no that is my need because he is happy with take away every day of the week, etc.

Joannezipan Fri 28-Dec-12 21:05:43

You can't expect him to be you and do what you do in the way you do it, but you can expect him to do his fair share. Dump DD with him and go out. No excuses, tell him to man up

Betteranon Fri 28-Dec-12 21:09:26

Fundamentally we disagree on this parenting issue:

I think attachment parenting was my reaction to what DD needs. I didn't know about attachment parenting in advance, had no intention of practicing it, just did what I think made DD feel better and this is how we have ended up being. I think it was her needs that provoked this way of parenting in me.

DP thinks attachment parenting is my choice that has made DD attached to me and more difficult as a result. That I made her too attached to me and are now finding it difficult to cope.

BertieBotts Fri 28-Dec-12 21:10:34

shock He is a total idiot, or at least, he's pretending to be because he's a lazy bastard hmm I suspect the latter. Everyone knows dogs need walking, FFS!

Funny, that, because up until the dog part I was going to say it sounds as though he's using the co-sleeping and breastfeeding thing as an excuse. He says that he thinks you could cope alone if you stopped these things is, really, beside the point. You shouldn't have to cope alone and he ought to be taking half the burden whether that burden is a large one or a small, easy one. It's not the point that you "could cope alone" FFS! That's made me really angry, who the hell does he think he is? With the dog thing added, that's just beyond belief TBH. I'm really tempted to just shout "Leave the cocklodging bastard", TBH.

BertieBotts Fri 28-Dec-12 21:14:40

So if he had his way, you'd be living in a filthy house, with bored, neglected dogs (and probably a bored, neglected child too, no need to take her to playgroups, buy her new clothes, take her to activities or anything), constantly skint because of the takeaways and video games or whatever other hobbies he dreams up... sounds utterly grim TBH. Do you think he'd really want to live like that too? If not he's totally taking you for a ride.

givemeaclue Fri 28-Dec-12 21:14:40

He doesn't do enough.

You've given up work, hobbies etc (why???). And are exhausted. Unfortunately you are painting yourself as a martyr to parenting and I can see wi. If is frustrated.The attachment parenting is not working he is right. There is a compromise here, gently start to moven away f approach. If should start doing more and helping more. Meet in the middle.

BertieBotts Fri 28-Dec-12 21:15:05

The attachment parenting is so, SO not the issue here.

drizzlecake Fri 28-Dec-12 21:15:42

But...he should be able to understand that giving you an hour to yourself a couple of days a week/doing something around the house would make the world of difference

He should -but he won't. Imo men assume things are as you want unless you state simply and clearly what you want to change.

Don't wait for him to notice how tired you are/ how much housework there is/ what you want to change, he can't mind read. You have to tell him.

And I"m not sure that trying to evenly share things out works too well because babies take 24/7 care and he is working from home so can claim to be busy when he is on the internet/skiving.

Tell him what you want him to do then leave him to do it.

Betteranon Fri 28-Dec-12 21:18:09

We have been together for a long time, I still love him a lot and he loves me but we have completely different characters and our relationship has always been one of ups and downs, hard work, compromise and massive efforts to understand each other.

He is lazy, I know he is lazy, I just can't seem to find an effective way to deal with it. His mum made him do household duties for pocket money, expected him to get a job in the summers, taught him to cook, clean, etc...and as a result he doesn't want to do any of these things as an adult! I try to compromise, I drop all the chores I think don't really need doing and he says that he does a lot more chores than he would chose to do all by himself, it's just that with DD there is a lot less room for maneuvre. There is so much more to do it's tough to get it done.

teacher123 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:19:19

That sort of twisted logic means that you are never able to discuss anything properly. How can you reason with someone who thinks that housework or food shopping is only a necessity because you make it so?! Of course, he doesn't really think that because he knows that you will sort them out for him. Has he always been like this? I have never heard of an attitude like this before. It must be absolutely infuriating.

TheSecondComing Fri 28-Dec-12 21:20:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teacher123 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:21:27

I've just seen your most recent post and I can't copy and paste on my phone but your comment about all the effort to make your relationship work made me so tired. Is he really worth it?!

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 21:22:38

my dh was similar to this. I started a weekly class, paid up front for 6 weeks so I had to go to it and he coped, first few weeks he kept calling me but after that was fine. also did things like said every Saturday morning he had to take ds out for several hours so I got I lie in and then spent a few hours doing house work. left to his own devices he would do nothing in the house I found life a lot easier when I stopped co sleeping, and the transition wasn't as bad as I expected.

BertieBotts Fri 28-Dec-12 21:23:03

He is lazy, I know he is lazy, I just can't seem to find an effective way to deal with it.

Because he doesn't give enough of a shit about you to want to change. I'm lazy, I'll freely admit it. I'm as lazy as they come. I let rubbish pile up on my desk because I can't be arsed to walk across the room to the bin blush. I would never sit around and say to my partner "Well I don't mind it being messy, so you can clean it up if you like." That's fucking disrespectful and doesn't take into account the fact I have a responsibility to my child. I know that I am not particularly bothered if the house is messy, but if it's so messy that DS can't get to his toys or move around safely, that isn't fair on him. Your DP is being a bit of a twat TBH. I bet you'd have far less work without him around.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 21:25:05

how many children do you have again ? ....

joanofarchitrave Fri 28-Dec-12 21:29:06

'His mum made him do household duties for pocket money, expected him to get a job in the summers, taught him to cook, clean, etc...and as a result he doesn't want to do any of these things as an adult!'

That is an excuse. Don't rise to it.

Betteranon Fri 28-Dec-12 21:31:14

OK I know he sounds really really bad. Sometimes I read post that people say LTB about and I think gosh imagine if MN heard about DP!!! I have to admit that I named changed for complete anonymity even in MN!!!

We do have ways of coping, e.g. areas where he can mess as much as he likes (his office), things that I completely led go of as issues and don't bother with, a cleaner and a dishwasher (without either of which we would be divorced!). We've always had tension around chores but it's always been manageable with compromise, the problem is that life is just so much busier with DD!

Ooops DD is crying, I shall check again tomorrow. Thank you for all your advice, I feel a bit better discussing it all with someone!

OxfordBags Fri 28-Dec-12 21:32:05

I attchment parent. I extBF, co-sleep, babywear, etc., etc., and my DP does 50% of the housework, looks after DS loads - because he wants to - and I get plenty of time to myself.

The attachment parenting is not the issue here at all. People are just jumping on that because it gets a bad press because people don't always properly get what it's about. This man admits that he still wouldn't do any more if she stopped doing things the way she's doing them. He wants the OP to drop any expectations of help, equality and respect from him, not try a new approach. He'd say just the same things if she was pissed off with him not helping her in her uber-Gina Ford regime. Attachment parenting is not making her have less and less time for herself, it's this arsehole doing less and less forcing her to ake on more and more.

I am disgusted at his bullshit about your child being too attached. He'd rather sacrifice your child's security and happiness than lift a fucking finger. Boohoo that Mummy made him do some bloody chores - he needs tostop punishing you for that! Sounds like now you are the mother, he's trying to get you to do everything and get out of it all, like he wished for in his own childhood. Well, diddums!

Not only will he be damaging and continue to damage your DD by not wanting to really be with her or do anything for her (which she will have started picking up on, believe me), witnessing this terribly unfair and sexist dynamic between her parents will not exactly set her up for healthy relationships as an adult.

I dunno what the answer is, OP. He sounds bloody awful. Saying he is lazy just minimises how shitty this is.

feekerry Fri 28-Dec-12 21:34:04

Hmm kick him up the back side. I co sleep and bf too and leave my dd with dp for time alone sat and sun so i can ride my horses. Regardless of tour parenting choices its only fair that you both get equal me time every week. We always try to spilt home time 50/50.

Betteranon, I feel for you.
I ended up cosleeping/sling wearing/EBFing as it's what suited DS, loads of people claimed I was making a rod for my own back - all that did was make me doubt myself and stress out unnecessarily! Attachment parenting simply suits some babies/families, and those that naysay it either had less high-need children, or cant see the wood for the trees. I never planned it either.

Sounds like your DP doesn't realise how diverse babies needs can be - some suit the Gina methods, some needs kangaroo care til they're 3! It's rarely the result of the parents choices -altho obv methods can improve/worsen a baby's natural tendencies--

It also doesn't sound like he actually spends much time with your DD, otherwise he'd realise the need for household cleanliness etc? 19mo means she's into everything surely?!
Is he happy for her to eat takeaway every day too? confused
Plus, unless your dogs are tiny little lapdogs I seriously doubt they'd be happy without daily exercise, he's mad!. They might enjoy a one off 'duvet day' when they're home with him, but......

It appears to me that your DP is a lazy bugger, and the only reason he has a house, three dogs, and a child is because you do everything. brew

Rosa Fri 28-Dec-12 21:39:59

Prepares to get flamed , but I actually tnink he could be concerned for you and he thinks that by stopping bf and co sleeping he might see a more rested and less stressed you. Ok maybe he doesn't realise how he can help more. You say he desn't mind a dirty house or take outs...Maybe he is accepting these things as he doesn't want to stress you out more as he sees you are shattered.
I am NOT saying he is correct in this attitude nor that what you are doing is wrong- you are doing what is right for you and your dd. I stopped bf at 20mths but we never co slept ( unless I gave in and kept her in my bed) Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

BertieBotts Fri 28-Dec-12 21:40:09

Sorry, I know LTB is a bit of a cliche grin

But seriously, is this sustainable? I don't think I could live like this. He sounds like an overgrown child. As someone above said, it sounds exhausting. You can't be happy and fulfilled, surely? sad

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 22:23:56

What you are discovering is what a lot of women discover when they have their first DC: a man who was always selfish and lazy doesn't improve when he becomes a father, he gets a lot worse. You were able to live with it when you put the man's needs first and indulged him all the time; now that you have a baby to look after the man is becoming lazier and more selfish - and he is on the slope towards becoming abusive.

When you're ready to kick him out, MN will be here with help and support.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 23:32:35

So until now you have been the one doing all the "compromising" ie. just doing it all because you lurve him and it makes life easier

now you have a child, you don't think you should

he thinks you should, because that is all the messages he has ever had

now you know this...what are you going to do about it ?

joanofarchitrave Fri 28-Dec-12 23:35:17

Help and support yes, but MN won't be there to do the chores either, or to help out at 4am tbh.

I think you need a hands-down full on discussion. This can't be how either of you saw your life or your marriage being. Can you leave your child with anyone at all - a parent? and have a serious talk for four hours, half a day or something? He needs to know just how unhappy you are.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 23:39:01

no, OP is the one who will be doing all the chores

until Kingdom Come

yousmell Sat 29-Dec-12 07:19:47

He sounds lazy and selfish. Not wanting to walk the dogs (basic need) and not wanting to do jobs in the house and not wanting to look after his own child. He is a man-child.

It's great his mother made him do chores/earn money. Why should she wait on him hand and foot? Why should you wait on him hand and foot?

Sit him down and discuss everything calmly and factually. Say that he needs to either man up and take on his responsibilities properly or leave. He can go to his mothers - even if it is just for a short time. He could take the dogs.

Can you talk to his mother also? Explain you are having real problems at home as he doesn't want to do jobs/look after (bond) with his child/walk the dogs even. Explain he is making lame excuses about BF/co-sleeping. Maybe she can talk som sense into him?

Betteranon Sat 29-Dec-12 07:20:08

I completely agree with the importance of communication, that is our only hope. I just find that with some subjects he turns things around so that it's impossible to make headway, like the weird response to the dog walking issue (dogs include a large breed dog he chose btw, so no reasonable person would ever think that not walking them is fine). I am now worried the bf/co-sleeping response will be his new excuse over chores.

We had a brief chat last night and he will do nights now. I will bf at 11pm and leave him to it till the morning. I hope it's win/win; it will either work and everyone will sleep, or it won't work and he will appreciate the need to bf/co-sleep (on the 3-4 nights he has taken DD before because I was at my wit's end he has ended up walking her around all night and not getting a wink of sleep so it's not as if he has had any amazing sleep training solutions so far!).

yousmell Sat 29-Dec-12 07:20:35

He wants to live like a teenager - so let him

yousmell Sat 29-Dec-12 07:37:32

When I was BF/Co-sleeping we managed to sleep together and not feed at night but it took stamina and time. Your DD is old enough to sleep through but you need to try and swing the night time feed times to the day time. I know this isn't easy but it can be done.

For a week I fed at 11pm ish and then slept in a different room till 4 or 5am. DH would co-sleep and keep my toddler in a dark room in the double bed. He would comfort toddler but not get up however upset he got.

When I started co-sleeping all night again, I slept with a bra on to make my boobs inaccessible. I also gave lots of comfort and cuddles. I oddly found that if he could hold my nipple/boob he was OK.

If you do continue to BF at night, your DH should be supporting you more and not less. He should be trying to make your life easier during the day so you can cope with daily life whilst being so exhausted.

EasilyBored Sat 29-Dec-12 07:38:38

The main problem here appears to be that you are married to a prick.

When we are both at home, we are both responsible for the baby and the house. That means we share jobs and share night time duty with the baby and we share lie ins at the weekend. I quite confident it took two of us to make a baby, he is 50% responsible for DS, because he's his father. He also lives in the house so does his share of housework. That is the bottom line - why do people put up with this shit? Is there anything less attractive in a man than this kind of 'oh I work, can't do anything doesn't attitude? Why would you voluntarily have sex with that kind of pathetic man-child?

Sorry, rant over.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 07:55:10

"now that you have a baby to look after the man is becoming lazier and more selfish - and he is on the slope towards becoming abusive."

^^ this

I can't believe you chose to have a child with a man who neglects his dogs.

That told you who he was, and you ignored it.

Don't have any more children with this lazy, stupid twat.

The way he controls you with his nonsense arguments about how he rejects all chores as necessary is so transparent and ridiculous.

How have you gone along with it instead of just telling him to fuck off and stop being a twat?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 29-Dec-12 08:07:03

Does he realise no-one wants to do chores, whether they were made to do them as a child or not? Does he also say he shouldn't have to have a job, because he prefers to be lazy? Or does he accept that's part of being an adult?

teacher123 Sat 29-Dec-12 08:42:25

We have been together for a long time, I still love him a lot and he loves me but we have completely different characters and our relationship has always been one of ups and downs, hard work, compromise and massive efforts to understand each other.

This is what I couldn't copy and paste last night, but it has been troubling me all night! Should a marriage really be THAT hard? I am really really struggling to see any positives in what you've told us. Attachment parenting is not a route we've gone down as a family, but I completely agree that you do what you have to do to get some sleep and to keep the baby happy. We have made some choices that haven't always made sense to other people, but work for us. However he is abdicating responsibility for EVERYTHING to you and saying that logical choices are your 'fault'. That's not how family life works.

A few times early on, I would spend hours getting DS to sleep and then DH would accidentally wake him up by not being considerate (crashing about upstairs etc) and would use the whole 'babies have to learn to sleep through things' line. It wasn't until I threw a major fit and invented the rule that whoever wakes the baby, settles the baby that he understood. Yes in an ideal world DS would sleep through noise, but he doesn't, so we have to adjust accordingly.

Currently you are doing ALL the adjusting. Where are his compromises?

I couldn't respect a man who behaved like that.

Tailtwister Sat 29-Dec-12 09:01:36

IME the attachment parenting approach does make things harder on the main care giver (usually the mother if she's bf). It's a general direction we also took with both our children, but it does make it harder to carve out time to myself and can sometimes give DH the impression he's 'off the hook' regarding parenting duties. I'm afraid I had to be quite clear with him that he needed to help and exactly what he was to do (on a daily basis). Once I started doing that, things got easier.

At 19 months, you can probably start to move to make a few small changes to make your life easier. Daytime activities are the easiest place to start ime, with your DH taking responsibility at the weekends for a few hours each day so you can get some time to yourself. Also, if he's not willing to help around the house then tell him he needs to get a cleaner. His choice.

I don't think you're a martyr, but I do think the AP approach can be all consuming and if you're not careful you can lose your sense of 'self' a bit. Now might be the time to turn the tide a bit in your direction.

LeBFG Sat 29-Dec-12 09:22:36

I'll second Tailwister's post.

My friend does AP and it is really tough on the father too - he was made to feel excluded really early on, from birth really (not on purpose of course). Now the children are older, he has become the main rule enforcer and I find it sad that such a kind, gentle man who is so committed to his family and really wanted to participate early on, has been 'set-up' in a family where comfort is sought for from mum and fairness is set by dad (but I digress).

It seems OP has chosen AP to survive rather than from deep-rooted convictions and I think the result is an overwhelming devotion to her child - I don't think she is happy in this role. OP, you need to do things you enjoy and find some independence from your child. At 19m, many toddlers are going off to childminders etc. Is this an option for you? You may be surprised how easy DD adapts. I agree your DP doesn't sound very helpful either but perhaps some of this is as a result of feeling excluded from your close tie to DD? I'm a great believer in talking through problems outside the heat of the moment - quality, adult conversations - and negotiating/compromising (even if you feel it's the other one that should do all the leg work). My DH and I have had to do this at times as with two independant and, at times, strong-willed people in one house, we inevitably come into conflict and it can be hard work.

formallyknownasloveydarling Sat 29-Dec-12 09:25:00

Oh god I have just posted about my dp verbally abiding my son and having to leave (on another thread) and I could have written this a few years back. Please nip it in the bud now for all your sakes. If not it will escalate and bring you all down.

Wrigglebum Sat 29-Dec-12 09:35:28

I'm not a dog person but I can imagine that an unexercised dog could become quite frustrated and aggressive, not what you want around a toddler! If he can't or won't walk them maybe it's time to think about whether you want the dogs or should rehome them.

My DH is rather lazy too but is making at least some effort

Betteranon Sat 29-Dec-12 09:55:41

Thank you for all your help, it really, really helps talking things through.

To be fair to my DP this is my version of events and I am sure he would present things differently! Also I have focused on this issue and not given a full picture of our relationship which has many positives, so LTB is a tough one to judge on any thread that present aspect of a set of problems. As far as his relationship with DD goes he does spend time with her and he can cope on his own, he can do diapers, feeds, bath time, etc., so he's not unwilling or incompetent. I was just hurt that he used what was a coping strategy for me as a critique and a way of making me responsible for the tiring aspects of parenting.

I think the tiredness comes from the fact that I have DD all night and then all day long (weekdays) without a break until the evenings, and then weekends DP wants us to spend time as a family (understandable), so again it's all without a break. I will make a conscious effort to take more time off for myself and DP is starting to do the middle part of night duties as of tonight so maybe that will work out well. DD was due to start nursery in autumn but this got pushed back due to the health problems, but we're due to give it a try again now so hopefully that will work out as well.

(I walk the dogs with DD, they are well trained, socialised and exercised, very good with people, children and DD smile)

Sorry, what exactly are you (or your child) getting out of this relationship? Remind me again?

The AP thing is not an excuse. Because you are BF/cosleeping etc, he should be taking up the slack elsewhere - cleaning and so on. When a relationship is 50/50 that doesn't necessarily mean that your both do nights or you both feed the baby. It means that you both do the same amount of work.
My OH often works 50-70 hour weeks and I am a SAHM, so I don't mind cleaning/washing/doing most of the child care, most of the time. But I do expect that when he's got a week off, that house duties are split evenly. It's not a chance for him to slob around the house, making a mess for me to tidy up. He is a grown man, with a child, and therefore has responsibilities.

He sounds like a selfish dick but I think you need to grow a backbone with both him and you child. Him because he seems to be inherently selfish and lazy and with your child because parenting is not just about keeping your child happy. It is about patenting in a way in which you are happy and content and not tired. For me a tired parent cannot parent to the best of their ability and so this impacts on your relationship with your partner and ultimately your child.

Controlled crying isn't great, seeing your child cry and wanting to sooth them and not doing so isn't great but the change in them and you when you start getting unbroken deep sleep is unbelievable.

So you need to get a cleaner, do Internet shopping when the baby is asleep, give him the baby for a couple of hours a day. This could be achieved, the time for yourself when the baby goes to bed if you did't co-sleep. And start thinking about your needs because a happy well rested mother is a much better mother than a frazzled resentful one and that I think is much better for a baby in the long run than all the co-sleeping in the world.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sat 29-Dec-12 10:44:16

Agree with advice so far. Who owns the house? If him and bills are in his name I would hand the job of bill paying straight back to him. Tell him he can get up earlier and do it instead of sleeping in the lazy git

DolomitesDonkey Sat 29-Dec-12 10:53:52

You have made yourself a martyr and you're not happy - how silly!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 29-Dec-12 11:00:25

Dolomites, have you read the posts where the DP thinks that dogs don't need walking, houses don't need cleaning and food doesn't need cooking?

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Sat 29-Dec-12 11:09:31

<Hands silliness stick back to Dolomites>

Onezerozero Sat 29-Dec-12 11:35:03

I am lazy when it comes to housework but not when it comes to caring for pets and children.
Your DH is getting away with being a prick because he knows you will do everything.
Attachment parenting is not the issue.

How dare he say he is happy to mistreat his dogs? Dogs need walks! How dare he say he is happy to mistreat his child? Children don't stay healthy if they eat takeaways very day and they need the home to be clean!
Would he really let them live so miserably? Really? How can you continue to love someone who thinks like that? sad
He is only thinking of himself.

Onezerozero Sat 29-Dec-12 11:40:06

And sallytomato, your DH sounds like an even worse prick. sad

DolomitesDonkey Sat 29-Dec-12 12:07:52

Nope, didn't need to read them. Read her first post where she says she gave up her life (and hobbies and horses and exercise and and and and) to become an AP martyr - and now she's not happy. Well tada!

DolomitesDonkey Sat 29-Dec-12 12:27:04

Fwiw, I don't have a whole lot of sympathy. The daughter is 19 months old, she's a SAHM and still can't find the time to push the hoover around? hmm

I have two under 2.6, work full-time, run 2 businesses aside of that, rode my horse 3 x a week (until she was PTS in August), go to the gym, cook, clean, iron and still manage to push a hoover around.

Honestly, wtf is she doing all day - a view I'm sure is shared with her husband.

rubyslippers Sat 29-Dec-12 12:32:49

i wouldn't feel inclined to clean or hoover if i hadn't slept for 19 months and had a DP who was fundamentally co-opting out of parenting, cleaning and caring for his house

The AP is a smoke screen - it's an easy way out for the partner

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX Sat 29-Dec-12 12:40:38

DolomitesDonkey who looks after your children when you are working, at the gym and riding your horse. As one who was a SAHM and now runs own business I can honestly say going to work is like a day at a holiday camp compared with looking after toddlers.

LeBFG Sat 29-Dec-12 12:57:46

Don't agree that AP is not an issue here. I've no idea if DH's behaviour has come about/got worse since the birth of DD, but I reckon that at least some of the reason he is a bit dissociated from his family is because he feels excluded from it. He must have seen his wife go through some wild changes since the birth - dropping job, hobbies etc. I recognise this in me and others, but this usually starts to get better after 6 months and by a year most sleeping and feeding issues have been ironed out, baby is mobile, less dependent etc. There is a natural distancing that happens in most mum/baby pairs and in the main this starts well before 18mo (ime). If you married a man who then jacked in his job and gave up his hobbies how would you react? OP's DP probably does need to grow up a bit but for heaven's sake, I know so many men like this, it's hardly crime of the century. Plus, imo, lazy husbands are often enabled in some way by their wives. I'm sure if OP stopped cooking and shopping for a week, he would soon get sick of eating out and the hole left in his pocket at the end of it.

HopAndSkip Sat 29-Dec-12 12:57:59

The attachment parenting is not the issue. Your daughter clearly needs this for now as like you've said nothing else works.

How about suggesting something little to start with- eg him doing tea a 1-3 days a week (depending on his lazyness level!) then gradually ask him to do slightly more once he's got used to that, as asking a lot at once straight off might make it an instant no.

Also is DD happy enough with DP to go to the shops with him etc? or go out without you? You could plan a few hours for daughter-dad time once a week or something.

I always find it strange how some men in a relationship think they don't have to spend any quality time with their DC, and yet if they weren't with the mum and were doing this they wouldn't even be considered a proper dad to the child. (not saying your DP necessarily doesn't spend any time with her, but i thought he does sound reluctant to from OP)

OxfordBags Sat 29-Dec-12 13:00:18

Strangely rude comments from someone who started a thread just the other day about how you have no room in your life for rude people, DolomitesDonkey hmm

Have also read some vicious stuff from you before that automatically lays into anyone going down a more 'gentle parenting' route, as well as some hateful anti-bfing crap. You say you didn't read the whole OP... well no, you clearly saw a few key words that triggered off your agenda and here you are, wading in with irrelevant insults that manage to big yourself up at the same time.

The issue is NOT how the OP fills her time, but how unsupportive and lazy her OH is. He'd be that bad if she lived exactly as you do. Personally, I am not at all impressed by the list of things you rattle off as proof of your infinite superiority in all matters maternal. Where do your children actually feature in this glossy lifestyle of yours? I am always confused and dismayed at people who act like life must go on totally as prechildren and the poor kids just have to scratch at the crumbs of attention and affection left over when the parent can stop thinking about themselves for a while. I'm more impressed by the OP choosing to happily temporarily sacrifice a small amount of her life to truly devote herself to parenting her child the way that works best for that child.

Also, your approach would actively worsen the problem, as he wants to offload more and more, so taking on more and more would just burden her even further, not spur him into action.

shockedtohell Sat 29-Dec-12 15:00:12

Hi Betteranon

I'm sorry to hear your going through this! It's was scary reading your original post as I swear this could / can be me writing it!

I totally understand what your going through and went through it myself! I'm still BF and partly CO sleeping :-( my DS is 16 months and I've got to the point where I want to stop.

My DS sounds like your DD and it wasn't easy! We tried alot to get him to sleep alone nothing worked! He won't take formula or milk so it's t

shockedtohell Sat 29-Dec-12 15:05:53

Hi Betteranon

I'm sorry to hear your going through this! It's was scary reading your original post as I swear this could / can be me writing it!

I totally understand what your going through and went through it myself! I'm still BF and partly CO sleeping :-( my DS is 16 months and I've got to the point where I want to stop.

My DS sounds like your DD and it wasn't easy! We tried alot to get him to sleep alone nothing worked! He won't take formula or milk so it's tough!

I've found the older he got the easier it was to get him to sheep in his own so that me and DH could have 3 hours to ourselves at night this took months to achieve and it's been a blessing! If you want any help your more then welcome to PM me!

As for the being alone I can't stress enough how much you need this! Just tell him your off out! Have the milk ready and just leave! You need to leave got your own sake! Yes it's great family time but you need your time! Your a mom, a partner and YOU!

Please arrange a coffee or a drink with a friend! Go out even if it only an hour it helps trust me! If your DP gets upset or annoyed just say that in order to have a happy mom / partner I need this and DD needs bonding time with dad!

I told my DH I need ME time once a week and he was understanding!

Please if you need to chat PM I'm here and know how you feel!

Ps I have 3 dogs too and 1 cat so know just how hard it is!


okaynowitstheseason Sat 29-Dec-12 15:07:50


chandellina Sat 29-Dec-12 15:23:05

I am in the martyr camp. You could take time away from the home but are choosing not to. It also sounds like you are enabling his laziness. It's not about houses not needing cleaning or dogs not needing walking, but about both agreeing what really does need doing and how often. You need to help each other feel better, and step out of the unsatisfying roles being played out.

Bobyan Sat 29-Dec-12 15:28:36

To a certain degree you have allowed this situation to develop and you do sound like a martyr.
Get a dog walker and a cleaner. If he doesn't like it, get rid of the dogs. If he doesn't like that get rid of him.
Or carry on moaning whilst allowing him to behave like a second child...

LuluMai Sat 29-Dec-12 15:46:07

You have two adults, one baby. I raised DS alone from birth- one adult, one baby, and my life with DS as a baby was easier than yours! My point is that your life shouldn't be this hard with two of you to share the load.

DolomitesDonkey Sat 29-Dec-12 16:17:18

oxfordbags I have no idea who you are but your personal vendetta is rather odd. I assume you were originally part of the quiche (BESH) but are now hiding behind anonymity. How strange of you. Perhaps you too need to rekindle a hobby or two rather than following me around mumsnet.

The fact remains the OP has allowed this situation to arise. There is only one personal responsible for her self-imposed imprisonment. If she is unhappy with her relationship with her partner then she, and only she, needs to deal with it. All the huffing, puffing and online sighing in the world won't change it.

drizzlecake Sat 29-Dec-12 19:36:45

Where do your children actually feature in this glossy lifestyle of yours? I am always confused and dismayed at people who act like life must go on totally as prechildren and the poor kids just have to scratch at the crumbs of attention and affection left over when the parent can stop thinking about themselves for a while

Brilliant oxfordbags I often think this too.

drizzlecake Sat 29-Dec-12 19:40:36

There is only one personal responsible for her self-imposed imprisonment

Don't be daft - she is a new mum, how can only you be responsible for everything once you have brought a new person into the world. Some babies sleep alot, some suckle well, some are grizzly and demanding.

It takes a lot of adjustment, especially if you have little support from family and a pia idle DP.

chandellina Sat 29-Dec-12 20:43:32

I think some people would have more sympathy if it were a tiny baby, but she's 19 mos old and I and many others may look at our own experiences and conclude that many poor sleepers have been raised into bad habits, and might do better in their own rooms, without nighttime attention. I personally accept some children are just poor sleepers, of course. But I can understand why the husband thinks alternatives might be worth a shot.

Leaving your DH aside for a moment, do you want to be a SAHM? I would find all week, all weekend and all night with DD way too much and even the few hours that DH has available to look after DD wouldn't make enough of a dent in it for me to cope. I partly go to work to have different, adult company and even on maternity leave I had DD in nursery for 2 mornings from 6 months to have some "me time". I have no idea of your financial situation, so I don't know if working or using a nursery a bit will work for you (though you do mention the nursery). But being at home full time would drive me nuts and would make me more tired than going out to work.

foreverondiet Sat 29-Dec-12 21:59:47

Difficult - DH discussed this today as one of our close friends has done similar also due to not agreeing with CC. He was if the view that he would not be happy with this (ie cosleeping) and such a decision needs to be made together and no unilaterally by the mother. So see your partners pov too. We did cc with each child at dh's insistence (at 6 months) and all have slept well since then.

OxfordBags Sat 29-Dec-12 22:25:23

Dolomites, I have no idea what a Besh is (are?). Is a quiche a clique? I've never joined any MN groups and only know 2 MNetters in RL. Have been using it for less than a year. And don't we all use anonymity on here? Am confused by your weird accusations. I have never actually addressed you until today, it's just that I have seen you posting similar stuff before and it also reminded me of something really nasty a poster with another name wrote ages ago which was so horrid it, and their name, stuck in my memory and when I read your earlier comments today, I suddenly realised that the name of that poster was a version of your current username. Hardly following you around!

If that's your attitude, it's no wonder you can think of posters who secretly have things against you, but I don't! I don't find you remotely interesting enough to have a vendetta, much less follow you about. Too busy with my hobbies (which I enjoy as well as being AP) to give a shit.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sat 29-Dec-12 22:27:58

Btw OP, requests for 'family time' at the weekends is usually man code for ' I don't want to look after the kids by myself'. I find that tag teaming Saturday and spending Sunday together is a much better arrangement, especially for you who otherwise gets no child free time at all.

LeBFG Sun 30-Dec-12 07:53:21

Why do people always assume it's a choice between AP or CC??? So annoying. I would never do CC (too soft) and yet I'm no AP martyr. My DS did cry when I tried to stop feeding him to sleep and after a 5min cry would just drop off (from about 7mo). No drawn out timings, going back, picking up, putting down nonsense. There was a thread on the Sleep board about sitting with your DC while they drift off to sleep - this is a great intermediate approach esp with older babies.

Betteranon Sun 30-Dec-12 08:06:11

Thank you for all the responses, I am still reading!

I won't respond to everything as I find some of the comments a bit aggravating, but it's AIBU so have at it people, my choice for posting here! smile

Regarding the sleeping issue, co-sleeping was a joint decision at first and I and DP have tried a number of sleep training methods however nothing seems to work. We always return to co-sleeping as the path of least resistance that allows us all the most sleep.

Regarding AP I am not treating her the same way as I was when she was a newborn. I can tell when she is crying because of a tantrum and I use a number of ways of trying to deal with that, e.g. tickling, distraction, as well as letting her cry and walking away. Up to 9 months old I went to her pretty much every time she cried, but I don't feel that need in the same way now, she cries for a number of different reasons not just pure need for comfort/food/contact.

I do find it difficult to deal with regressions because they are very demoralising and unfortunately she took huge steps back in confidence and independence this autumn because of the repeated visits to hospital. For example, in August she was managing to sleep through from 11pm to 5am, but we completely lost that and we've only just re-gained that ground. We are due to try nursery this week so maybe that will work out.

mummytime Sun 30-Dec-12 08:17:04

I am very tested to say LTB.

In you situation I would re home the dogs, if he won't look after them properly; but then I always admire people who have dogs and small children.
I would also leave him alone regularly to care for your DD; take an evening or exercise class.
If he won't do a holiday with you, then book one without him, preferably somewhere with some child care.

But then again my DH has never been this selfish, and he isn't a saint. He always regularly looked after our kids as babies, including a week alone with 2 tinies while I did an OU summer school. That is normal, you DH sounds awful.

oldraver Sun 30-Dec-12 19:08:00

So....he thinks as you choose to co-sleep, b/f your DD rather than it being a case of attending to her needs, you are making work for yourself

You choose to walk your dogs rather than it being one of their essential needs therefore making work for yourself

And the answer is for you not to choose to do this ?

Well I would tell him that you choose to do the cooking, shopping, paying bills washing his dirty pants, suck his cock that you will be no longer doing them

I'm gobsmacked he has found time to go on holiday, watch tv have downtime while you struggle

BillyBollyBrandy Sun 30-Dec-12 20:05:57

Look after dd, look after you, let dh fend for himself. Entirely. He can eat takeaways, sleep in the spare room in dirty bed linen and wear dirty clothes.

Cerealqueen Sun 30-Dec-12 21:45:07

We fell into Co-sleeping as it worked and bf because I believe in it. Until last week, that is when, exhausted and desperate, we tried CC. It has worked and DD2 (14 months) is in her cot and sleeps through. I am not suggesting you try it, but the point is I know how desperately tired you are. I too, was so exhausted. BUT, DP gave me a lie in every weekend morning, he gave me a lie in if he was working from home and got DD1 up. He shares all chores at weekends. He recognises that he has never had to do any night wakings, ever, as the breast was the feeder/comforter. Does your DP not recognise this, that if you were not doing all this he'd have been up night after night too?

His issue about the dogs is bizarre, don't all dogs need walking? If he can't be bothered to look after them, then maybe you need to re house them as they can't be your priority at the moment.

Re the 'needs' ie., all the caring and domestic issues are your needs, he sound like a teenage boy and its just excuses for his lazyness. Just don't respond to his needs so no cooking, washing cleaning etc. for him.
He needs to grow up. Would he treat his manager / work colleagues / clients the same? Appalling self centred behaviour. You have to wonder if you want your DD raised in that environment.

You do need to sort the sleep issue out though. Have you tried gradual retreat?

maraisfrance Mon 31-Dec-12 23:08:21

Oh, hell, he sounds very manipulative and tricky. He, of course, might say the same about you. Trouble is, you either choose to fight and resist, and try to change things and wear yourself out doing so; or just accept that you have different expectations and standards, and get on with doing things your way, and ignore his way of doing things. Perfectly possible, but you might find you fall out of love with your partner and begin to see him as a barrier to living your life as you want to, with your child. If that happens, I promise you, it could be a massive liberation for you....Cleaning up is generally a piece of piss; cleaning up around a perfectly fit adult who is not pulling his weight, and whom you therefore resent, is hard work.

ellee Mon 31-Dec-12 23:44:02

I'm afraid I'm with BBB, only I'd also say that if he's not willing to walk and mind the dogs they have to go cause you just cannot do it and minding them now is not your choice.

The arguments he's putting forward are like something from Kevin the teenager. You can't engage with that kind of shite. I would be inclined to think you can start to take back proper time for yourself with a 19mo baby. Surely she's not bfing that awful much anymore? (Didn't do this myself but 2 friends did and the babies seemed to be down to twice a day at this kind of stage?) And also, you dh does need time to himself with her to develop as a father. It's not just being competent with her, it's knowing her and knowing her WELL and being completely confident and enjoying her. That takes time. I'd agree "family time" is probably code for "bit scaared". Take Sat afternoons for yourself. It's as much necessary for him as you tbh.

BridgetBidet Mon 31-Dec-12 23:48:03

TBH I think the OP is talking more sense than a lot of people replying to her. She's said that in a lot of ways they have a good relationship and are happy.

OP, don't listen to all the people telling you he is an absolute bastard who does nothing etc, etc, etc.

Sounds like you're both in an essentially decent relationship but have had a really stressful time with a child who must have been pretty damn ill to be in hospital. You both sound knackered, you both sounds stressed.

You need a cleaner and a dog walker, assume you can afford if you have horses.

Also, can you get DD to have a bottle or drink from a cup overnight one day a week? My husband either Friday or Saturday does the night duty as necessary and having that one extra night uninterrupted sleep makes a big difference to me.

Try and sort this out between the two of you, it genuinely sounds as if you love each other and have a decent relationship, so don't listen to the usual suspects telling you to leave the bastard.

ellee Mon 31-Dec-12 23:52:17

Sorry this is a man who won't do a shop because he doesn't see the "need" since he is happy with takeaways????!

BridgetBidet Mon 31-Dec-12 23:57:12

Yes Ellee. This is a couple who have been together for a long time, the OP says they still really love each other, they've both been through a really stressful time with a little child who has been sick enough to be in hospital.

But he made a comment about getting takeaways if the OP didn't want to cook. Obviously she should leave the bastard. Even thought they've been together years, obviously care loads about each other and have a child together. He made that one comment so obviously she should leave him.

BridgetBidet Mon 31-Dec-12 23:59:19

Sometimes I read the posts a minority of people make on this forum and it makes me think there are some bitter and lonely people out there who are prepared to give bad advice just for the satisfaction of seeing other people as bitter and lonely as they are.

OP, don't listen. You're having a horrible time, you're exhausted and you need to work something out with your OH about how to deal with your domestic situation to take the stress off you.

Betteranon Tue 01-Jan-13 07:19:16

A little update

DP doing nights was a bit of a disaster. DD did not sleep at all, I did not sleep at all, DP of course did not sleep at all and even the dogs didn't sleep!

We had a long chat the next day and decided to continue with the bf/co-sleeping but percevere with trying to extend the time she does not bf in the middle of the night (she can go 11pm to 5am on nights when she is not teething/has a cold, etc.) as a way forward with that (DD still bfs a lot, maybe 3-4 times during the day and 3-4 times at night. If I am not there she copes fine without but being SAHM I am there all the time!).

We also decided that I will have half a day to a whole day a week completely to myself to do something different. I will try to get out of the house so there is no temptation to be 'pulled' back to family things. I have already booked a half day out with a friend for next week smile

DD is also starting at nursery this week so if that works out I might get 2 mornings a week free!

(we have a cleaner who also does DP's clothes, a dishwasher and we used to do online shopping but that is not available where we now live. After 10 years together we had found a balance around our different ideas over chores, which was then upset by the arrival of DD and the extra work a baby demands. From reading experiences on here and seeing other babies/toddlers I suspect DD is on the very demanding side of the baby scale and the health problems did not make things easier for anyone)

Anyway I hope our new plan of action works and thank you everyone for your thoughts.

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