To think this is a deal-breaker?

(43 Posts)
formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 14:54:08

Dp called our ds evil. To his face. And said he was sick in the head. And that he should go to a boarding school. Ds is a lively, challenging 4 yo. Dp is now refusing to go near ds: won't play with him, help him get dressed, nothing. This has been going on for 4 days.
It's the last straw isn't it.
My poor ds.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:55:54

It's a good way of getting out of parenting isn't it?

Would be a deal breaker for me.

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Dec-12 14:55:55

Yes, it is the last straw. What the hell is he doing?

Is there somewhere you can go to now, away from him?

What is your poor son's reaction to his bastard father?

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown Fri 28-Dec-12 14:56:01

What are you going to do?

Nancy66 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:58:04

it's a horrible thing to say to a little kid.

is your son particularly challenging? Depends what the back story is, how your DP is with him ordinarily etc.

If it was the culmination of days of stress then - maybe - it can be dealt with. If it was typical of how he is with your son then, no, it's not acceptable.

Is your dh ok? what he said is so out of order but if he's usually a loving Dad has he had a breakdown or something?

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 14:58:20

Get this moved to Relationships, where many wise ladies will advise you what you need to do now.
Because either he leaves or you do.

Numberlock Fri 28-Dec-12 14:58:20

Kick him out, never mind finding somewhere else for the OP to go. Then look forward to a great NY without the twat.

larks35 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:58:20

4 days!?! Yep my DP would be out on his ear until he grew up a bit and was prepared to eat a huge slice of humble pie dished up by DS. Your poor DS, is there history to this?

DozyDuck Fri 28-Dec-12 14:58:39

Yes. Leave. Now. I very rarely say leave, but that's extreme

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:13

get rid of the 'd' p.

DozyDuck Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:33

My son is extremely challenging (severe SN) but I would never act like that. Neither would his dad

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:34

And it's not what he said, it's the ignoring.


formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 15:01:23

I think dp has had some kind of breakdown (which he said was because of me and ds). Whilst I started out trying to be sympathetic, I am pretty sure this crosses a line, mental health issues or not.

quoteunquote Fri 28-Dec-12 15:02:46

Get him some parenting classes as a late christmas present, go with him if necessary, but please do not allow this to continue around your child.

This is the easy bit, if he he struggling at this point then it is only sensible to ask for help.

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 15:03:31

What has been happening? Can you give more detail?

lunar1 Fri 28-Dec-12 15:03:54

It would be a deal breaker for me, your poor ds

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 15:04:52

What's the back story?

Because if dh did this I would be worried about his mental health and how I could help him without damaging our children.

I would not be thinking in terms of a deal breaker.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. What a nasty bully, your poor son. Is there somewhere you & ds can go to get away from him?

valiumredhead Fri 28-Dec-12 15:06:03

I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to my child like that, no way. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Yes what yohoho said.

Get your dh some help. Now.

If he won't accept help it might be a deal breaker. But if he has had a breakdown he needs love and support and help to stop feeling like this not abandoning.

twinklesparkles Fri 28-Dec-12 15:17:46

Is he the father of your son?

formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 15:25:00

These are my thoughts:
Dp goes to doctor
Dp lives elsewhere whilst he has therapy/medication kicks in
I chat to doctor about effect on ds and implementation of possible therapy
Meanwhile I seek advice about separation and hope it doesn't come to that.

OnaPromise Fri 28-Dec-12 15:26:30

What are you thinking of doing OP?

yes it sounds as if dh is not behaving rationally and needs some help but you need to protect your child first and foremost.

Perhaps you need to speak to someone about this in real life, doctor or social work for instance? I really think you should do this asap and make some kind of plan because I'm concerned about the situation you're describing.

OnaPromise Fri 28-Dec-12 15:27:48

X post op.

formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 15:28:38

Yes ds is his son. His behavior can be challenging. He exhibits ADHD traits but who knows. And this can't be having a positive impact.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 15:28:43

If he thinks your child is evil, he needs to leave. You must ensure your child is safe. Physically and emotionally.

OnaPromise Fri 28-Dec-12 15:31:26

I think your plan sounds along the right lines. Perhaps phone doctor today? Would dp go to doctor willingly?

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 15:33:33

Would you have expected anything like this from your DP a year ago? If this is a relatively new change in his behaviour I think you need to get him seen by GP pronto, as likely to be mental health related. Sounds like he needs help/medication.
Have you spoken to him about how he feels? Has he explained why he can't go near your son right now? Perhaps he is scared he wil say nasty things to him again and is trying to avoid doing this as he knows it is wrong, but can't control himself.
I would be trying to get my OH some urgent help if I were in your situation. Has he got a history of mental illness?
Most important thing is to make sure your son is safe, so perhaps best for husband to keep away from him if he's feeling very angry.

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 15:35:19

Is this behaviour a new thing OP? I mean was he perfectly rational before your little boy was born?

What can't he cope with? Are you seeking help/advice for your sons challenges?

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 15:35:57

X with monty

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 15:38:08

i don't care how ill your partner is, or how nice he used to be. if you can't get him out, leave and take your son.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 28-Dec-12 15:44:50


I think your DP needs to leave whilst he receives help. If he won't go,take your Ds and live elsewhere for a time.

That's an awful thing to say. As is blaming you and DS for his breakdown. Very unhealthy environment to be living in for you as well as DS.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 22:25:46

Your plan sounds spot on.

I would support my dh, but not if it damaged the children. I would make clear that I would still support him if he doesn't live with us.

As awful as having a breakdown must be, the effects on your child coulod last into adulthood.

You have an excellent plan op. carry it out.

Cherylkerl Fri 28-Dec-12 22:33:39

This is heartbreaking.

Your plan sounds good.

You might want to get this moved to relationships and talk abit more about your DH to explore this a bit more incase it's a piece of a disturbing jigsaw puzzle. Read the stately homes thread and the red flags thread, if you recognise any behaviour as a parent or partner that hadn't seemed significant.

pigletmania Fri 28-Dec-12 22:46:34

Yes it is and I would. Not be with someone like that. Your ds comes first and your partners behaviour towards him is going to have a negatvimact n him

cumfy Fri 28-Dec-12 22:50:36

Yes and I would inform GP.

He still thinks DS is evil ?

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 22:53:24

Your plan is absolutely spot on. Sorry you are going through this. You are absolutely right to put your DS first

maddening Sat 29-Dec-12 00:00:43

What does dh say when you challenge his behaviour?

Agree with all the good advice on here, he needs to go,get some space,help and prof support.

The only saving grace is perhaps your ds is a bit too little to understand exactly everything that is going on at the moment. But it will give you time to repair the damage and spend time showering him with love and positive thoughts.

What on earth would possess him to say that!? I'm perplexed. However I look at pics of me and dbro as gorgeous little toddlers, and wonder how my dad could have picked us up by the hair and thrown us round the room.

Protect your ds. Sending you unMN hugs x

pictish Sat 29-Dec-12 00:12:00

Sounds like a plan.

He can't stay in his current frame of mind, I agree.

formallyknownasloveydarling Sat 29-Dec-12 08:33:12

Thanks for the support. It's of course more complex than this one comment. He hasn't taken too well to having kids generally I suppose. It is a bit like walking on eggshells sometimes. I have spent hours reading emotional abuse on relationships but never sure if it really applies to me and the kids. Sometimes it's hard to see clearly. But we are stating with friends atm so he is with the kids all day which is unusual as he normally works long hours.
I think I am beginning realize he has to go and I feel strangely calm about it like I have finally reached the right decision. I need a shit load of practical help though so yes I will post in relationships. Good idea.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 29-Dec-12 09:05:06

formally I wish you all the best. Ending a relationship is never simple when children are involved,but its easier when the adults act like adults.
Very unmumsnetty ((((hugs))))

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