to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

(229 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 13:55:09

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 13:58:30

Offered on what terms?

Santaslittlemisshelper Fri 28-Dec-12 13:58:51

I don't think they are being unreasonable to be honest, they just want to do a nice thing for their grandchild as its their sons baby too.

Just see it as a nice gesture on their behalf, I would take it if I was you!

strumpetpumpkin Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:28

id bite their hand off. Its not just you, its he 3 of you theyre thinking of

FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:39

Congratulations grin
Not sure what to suggest about the flat - I do see where you're coming from. But bear in mind you're having their grandchild!
Is it possible (i have no idea if this is legal/practical) for them to buy a flat to put in trust for their grandchildren? And you live ib it for as long as you need - moving on when you're more financially secure?

WipsGlitter Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:39

They are probably just trying to support their son. They barely know you but they are your BFs PARENTS. Take the chip off your shoulder about "backgrounds" and get to know them as people. Stop putting words in their mouth about being a gold digger.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 14:01:33

Yabu to assume there is a ulterior motive.

If they are rich they may have always planned on giving their son a flat when he set up his own home.

They sound like they have welcomed you into their family. It also sounds as though you are the one with an issue with the difference in your back grounds.

are they giving both of you a flat or will it be in his name?

What are your objections, exactly?
you don't have to accept

Whatdoiknowanyway Fri 28-Dec-12 14:01:35

I'd want to do the same for my children. Assume it's offered with love and accept.

WillYuleDoTheFandango Fri 28-Dec-12 14:02:32

He's their child and if they can afford it why shouldn't they want to do something for him. If you don't feel you can accept it then you need to discuss it with him but I think YWBU just to dismiss it out of hand for the sake of pride.

I would say though that you will need to set some ground rules first, to discuss what they will expect in return for giving you a flat (I.e. a key, unrestricted access to grandchild, free reign to let themselves in whenever they want). As you both sound like you have the potential to be high earners could you put a plan in place to pay them back in the future?

kinkyfuckery Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:18

Maybe they would have given their son a flat upon graduation anyway?

Where are you both living just now?

Saccrofolium Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:34

Is this for real???

GreatGardenstuff Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:43

Helping your DC when they need you is what parents do. It sounds like you have a bit of an issue accepting that your BF is from a clearly wealthy background. This doesn't mean his parents hate you. Unless they have added conditions, it seems like this is something that will massively help you out, that they want to do for their DS and his partner.

Don't let your nervousness about the differences in your background stop you taking up a v generous offer.

thegreylady Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:44

Of course you can accept.The flat isnt just for you it is also a gift to their son and their future grandchild.They are trying to make things easier for all of you.
Dont throw their generosity in their faces-insist the flat is in the bloke's name if you like or accept it as a long rentfree loan till you can afford something better.
You are no gold digger and I bet they know their son well enough to know he wouldnt take up with such a person.
Be generous spirited and accept with thanks.They may be in your lives for a long long time.
Their gesture is perfectly normal-they have it, they can afford it, take it smile
Congratulations flowers

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:46

I'd want to know whether you're expected to pay them back, what rights will they have regarding access to the flat, decisions over what you do to the flat, how you choose to parent, and importantly whose name will the flat be in? What happens if you split up? Are you out on your arse, entitled to half the proceeds of a sale, what?

I think the posters saying "Lovely, go for it!" are being rather naïve!

MimiSunshine Fri 28-Dec-12 14:04:18

Well assuming most people are nice, they may have just thought "wow what a pickle they're in, we can help them out".
However if it makes you feel uncomfortable then sit down with your BF and tell him so, he may be used to this kind of gesture so it's no big deal. Then ask him call his parents and ask if you can meet up for a chat about it.

Just be honest and say that your uncomfortable with that level of generosity which you really appreciate but worry that it's too big a gift.

mrslaughan Fri 28-Dec-12 14:05:16

I think it is a very generous offer - I would accept it graciously.
You are in for a big reality check when DBaby arrives, it will be harder than you think, don't add to it, by adding financial woes/stress to the mix.

Looking at it cooly and un-emotionally, they probably want there DS to finish med-school, and do well, having a baby is not necessarily conducive for that.

It is a very generous offer.

What would you have preferred, that they threw a wobbly, threatened to excommunicate there DS...........

They are wealthy - you need to get over it, they will be part of your life now for a long time, that is one of the many realities of having a baby.

orangerex Fri 28-Dec-12 14:05:42

I think people who have had frugal upbringings find it hard to understand generous gifts, maybe even feel they don't deserve them? But if BF is happy to accept and his parents happy to give (to provide a good home for their grandchild?) then you should accept - and not feel that you owe them, as long as it is genuinely unconditional. Presumably you have worked/studied hard to get to where you are. You are expecting their son's baby, you do deserve it. It will be a while before BF is earning. Don't make your life now harder than it needs to be. But I can understand it taking some time to adjust to the idea after your upbringing!

Take it in the goodwill it's given. It might be in their name, or your bf name until you are married.

It's normal behavior for them. My best friends parents are like this, his parents seem to send iPads, laptops etc on a monthly basis to him and his partner. His partner came from a fairly harsh upbringing and at first found it awkward, but his partner just says accept it. Last month they got a brand new BMW!

Put yourself in their shoes, you have money,and property to spare. Your ds comes home with the love of his life, you've never seen him so happy. They need somewhere to live.

You'd do it too I bet...

Icelollycraving Fri 28-Dec-12 14:07:14

Buying you a flat or paying the rent on it? Do they choose it or you & dp?
Accept it & enjoy being part of the family. Congratulations on the pregnancy!

MammaTJ Fri 28-Dec-12 14:07:17

How lovely of them and how ungrateful of you to suspect their motives.

They are being kind and accepting. Be grateful. Be nice and let them be nice to you!!

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:07:41

What would you have preferred, that they threw a wobbly, threatened to excommunicate there DS

There are miles and miles of middle ground between this and being given a flat!

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake Fri 28-Dec-12 14:09:05

Bf has been offered a flat by his parents, they are supporting his commitment to you and the baby, and the chances are bf will be paying back his parents when he is qualified. I think it is a very wise move on his parents part as it guarantees their investment in him he will finish med school.
Take the offer and think no more of it.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 14:09:25

They are just being nice but it's understandable you feel overwhelmed and unsure. Definitely get things agreed about who owns it, what happens if you split, etc.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 14:09:32

Are they offering to buy one for you, or do they own lots of property? If they are landlords (ie own several flats which they rent out) you could be doing them a bit of a favour in occupying a flat that currently isn't let. But I would advise having a clear understanding of the terms: do they want rent? Would you have to move suddenly if they needed to sell the flat or let it out to paying tenants?

EuroShagmore Fri 28-Dec-12 14:10:51

I think it is a very generous offer, but it is worth finding out what terms it is given on. Are they buying it but letting you live there rent free? Is it a gift to him or both of you? Just so you know where you stand if there is a relationship breakdown (between you and your partner or with his parents).

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 14:11:05

Also, some parents who would do this sort of thing are actually manipulative, controlling people who think that being financially generous entitles them to abject gratitude and obedience. This may not be the case, but it's not unreasonable of the OP to be a bit cautious at first.

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:12:23

They would like their first grandchild to have a nice, secure home and have the financial means to provide that, thus taking the pressure of thier son and you while you finish your studies. What's the problem? You are clearly working hard and I doubt they see you as a gold digger.
Be gracious and accept would be my advice, you can always arrange to pay them back in future when you are earning fully if that would make you feel better.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 28-Dec-12 14:12:52

I would so take it but that's me. If you are worried talk it through with your partner but like another poster said its for the 3 of you

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:27

I'm worried the OP will become financially dependent on these people, and make herself vulnerable.

OP, you don't say what your profession is. By "doctorate" do you mean PhD? Are you intending an academic career? Will you be financially independent?

I'm sorry if I sound like a harbinger of doom, but I was royally shafted by ex-DH's parents in similar circumstances, and I so wish I had checked the legal position at the time!

twentythirteen Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:59

I also see where you're coming from. I come from a different background to my xH and struggled with big gifts. However I think each one needs to be considered independently. This is a gift to your family and will presumably make things a lot easier. If you are worried that you look like you got pg on purpose then you can always suggest it's kept in his name.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:03

Bit harsh to call the op ungrateful.

MolehillAlchemy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:17

What lovely parents he has, and how lucky you both are that they offered. Accept with good grace, at least until you are both out of education and supporting yourselves. I don't think it's relevant that they don't 'know' you. You are their son's partner who is expecting their grandchild, reason enough to make the offer if they have the means to.

You must be a very determined and self-reliant person to have come through the care system and be doing so well. I imagine they think you're wonderful! Don't spoil it.

Adversecalendar Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:26

Well I get what your saying as DH and I are from incredibly different backgrounds. Three of my siblings spent time in care and DH is from a very privileged background. DH Mum has always wanted to help and I found it interfering, it took me a long time to realise that almost all of it was her just trying to be nice.

If they are wealthy enough to help let them, I think Mil would have preferred a jolly hockey sticks kind of a gel for her only DS but after 15 years she knows I love her son and that is enough for her.

valiumredhead Fri 28-Dec-12 14:15:06

When you have your baby - congrats btw! smile - you will come to realise that it's completely normal to offer your child and their family security if you can afford to do so, which is all they are doing.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:15:20

Take the offer and think no more of it.

I am genuinely gobsmacked by this. Really?!

cantspel Fri 28-Dec-12 14:17:43

It might not be normal in your background to have flats to give to adult children but it doesn't mean it is not normal from his background.

From your op you have posted nothing that they have said or done to you that should make you think they dont accept you or think there is anything wrong with you being the partner of their son and mother of their grandchild.

Accept it with grace and welcome them into your life as they are clearly trying to welcome you into their family.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 14:26:22

MimiSunshine 'Just be honest and say that your uncomfortable with that level of generosity which you really appreciate but worry that it's too big a gift.' - That is exactly what I said.

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake 'I think it is a very wise move on his parents part as it guarantees their investment in him he will finish med school.' - I would NEVER ever have asked him to quit uni.

EuphemiaInExcelsis, it's a doctorate in Clinical Psychology and fairly well paid and yes, it's a pretty financially secure career.

They own lots of property and suggested we 'have the flat', so we don't have to 'worry about rent and have a property of our own'. They have been nothing, but friendly and kind, even when we sprung our news on them. I do get that the whole 'chip on the shoulder' thing is my problem. BUT, it's not as if they are offering to buy us a crib. It's a flat!

Startail Fri 28-Dec-12 14:27:55

Accept and save all you can between you.

The best way to show you are responsible is to be responsible.

I have a very wealthy relative, who is irritated by her son and his wife because they just expect hand outs and do nothing to help themselves.

She has a way better relationship with her DD who behaves in a far less entitled manner.

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake Fri 28-Dec-12 14:29:48

I would NEVER ever have asked him to quit uni. you wouldn't, but his parents might have seen it as a posibility, that he would that is, not that you'd ask him. And maybe they would have given him the flat when he finished uni, and have just given it earlier?

IkissedSanta Fri 28-Dec-12 14:38:16

I think that's what parents do, we give what we can for our children your bf s dp are in the position it seems to be able to give you a home.

by all means check to see what if any the strings are. I suspect their sons education is uppermost in their minds at the moment and they just want to do what they can to make it easier for you all.

FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 14:38:59

But if they acept then there are certain restrictions. That they will spend or save their money in a certain way, that they will behave in a certain way. I'm not suggesting the parents have ulterior motives but in accepting, they are restricting themselves in how they choose to live their lives.

WipsGlitter Fri 28-Dec-12 14:42:04

What exactly is your problem with accepting? Is it just that you are un-used to this level of generosity? Or is there another reason. It's sounds like they are not actually giving it to you for perpetuity but just as a stopgap over this period.

GrimmaTheNome Fri 28-Dec-12 14:43:52

They're probably delighted their son has found a clever, non-gold-digging partner. They may well be pleased that they'll have grandchildren before they're ancient, which is what can happen with women with PhDs/career plans.

Do get your BF to sort out the terms and conditions properly - but if they want to make life easier for him, you and their grandchild I can't see why you shouldn't accept with joy.

From their POV, is there anything more important they could spend their wealth on? Bear in mind that if they may have been planning to help your BF with his housing when he graduated anyway - affluent families often do, makes much more sense than keeping their dosh themselves for the government to take 40% of when they die. With interest rates so low at the moment, money in the bank is just being eroded, putting some into property is sensible.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 14:44:57

So do they mean they will transfer ownership to you or live there rent free.

Because that's 2 very different things.

You need ground rules and something in place I case you split up. You don't want to end up out on your arse.

But living rent free whole you finish studying isn't such a bad thing. Why struggle if you don't have to?

They probably see you are not a gold digger and are working hard to secure your future and don't want want you to struggle. Its for their sons child as well.

McBalls Fri 28-Dec-12 14:45:03

So it's a flat they own already, how clear have the discussions about this been? They either mean (I assume)

A) move in rent free for now
B) move in and pay rent or
C) they will actually sign over ownership.

I guess if its C then it will be their son they'd be signing over to? Would be bonkers if they were gifting a property to someone they'd met a few weeks back.

I think you may be over thinking it.

ImperialSantaKnickers Fri 28-Dec-12 14:49:07

Thanks to inheritance we are in the fortunate position of having more than one house. We will be giving one to dds in due course. They don't know that yet, we don't want them or their partners to be to make assumptions. DP and I benefited this way from our grandparents and we'd like to pass it on.

I doubt they expect any sort of extra input into how you live your lives once you're in the flat they're either giving or lending you. Take it in the spirit in which it's meant and use the money you save on rent to save for your own place in the future.

Oh and congrats on the bump btw!

foreverondiet Fri 28-Dec-12 14:49:58

Don't freak out - they can afford it, want to help their son, future daughter in law and grandchild. Its not clear whether they are offering to lend flat or buy flat, but if they are buying it maybe they were planning to buy him flat eventually so figured he'd need it sooner rather than later.

Besides they know eventually he'll have a good salary - I would say their ulterior motive is ensuring that he finishes medical school - I'd do the same for my child if I could afford - and I think thats a reasonable ulterior motive.

Please just accept it - they mean well, its good they are being supportive.

sooperdooper Fri 28-Dec-12 15:00:07

I can totally see why it's a shock, but I think you should definitely accept - but find out more about exactly how it will work practically, just do you're aware of the facts, will it still be in their names or yours etc

You're actually in a very lucky position for them to be so generous, don't focus so much on backgrounds, it doesn't necessary matter

SarahWarahWoo Fri 28-Dec-12 15:25:47

Do they want me as a DIL too? Yes yes yes to the new home for DGC surely!

Congratulations on your baby and the lovely family

Glup Fri 28-Dec-12 15:36:50

Hmmm. I see your issue. I have similar PIL. They didn't buy us a flat, but they contributed financially towards our flat to such a high level that there is no way we would have been able to buy it without them. Several things:

1. The flat isn't for you, but for the grandchild.
2. If they appear lovely and you think the father is, 'the one', then you will need to tread very carefully, either in refusing the gift or accepting it, so that money will never get in the way of your relationship. I would look into legal situations....perhaps ask for them to put it in their son's name/ grandchild's name thus taking you out of the equation. I can understand that it could place you in an awkward position.
3. They wouldn't have given it at all if they didn't like you and, if you explain that you don't want to feel beholden/ a golddigger to them at such an early stage in your relationship, I think they would respect you for it.
4. If you think your background is likely to be an issue, perhaps explain the situation to them.

Blimey. Good luck with everything!

SCOTCHandWRY Fri 28-Dec-12 15:37:30

Our first DC was born a couple of months after BF (now DH) graduated medical school, I was undergrad scientist, similar difference in backgrounds (one side all Dr/PHd's, one side no education/profession) to your situation OP.

I would be wary about terms of this gift of a flat - agree with euroshagmores post of 14.10.51
Ime and imo, people make generous offers often to gain control, or "protect" someone... of course this may not be the case, your BF parents may be genuine and lovely people.

MerylStrop Fri 28-Dec-12 15:42:24

If it is within their means, and they offer it without strings, and as a gift for you as a family/your grandchild...then you'd be foolish to refuse.

Or why not say, ok great, we'll live there whilst DP finishes med school and I finish PhD, then we'll get on with it ourselves. Many parents provide a home for their student kds (wish that I would be in a position to do the same).

If you think it comes with the condition that they decide all sorts of things about the way you live then that might be different. But your DP will be in a good place to know that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 28-Dec-12 15:46:02

I expect it probably is a little to 'protect' their son. You might not ask him to quit medical school, but there would be nothing to stop him from deciding that he needed to provide for his family immediately and jack it all in.
The PILs are protecting their investment, but it is also a nice thing to do and if it comes with no strings then why not accept?

They were probably planning to give him a property anyway, but the pregnancy has given them a reason to bring that forward.

Ephiny Fri 28-Dec-12 15:54:36

I would feel a little uncomfortable about it too, but then I don't come from the kind of background where giving your child a house/flat would ever be a possibility either. And personally I've always preferred to be financially independent of parents as soon as possible, because there usually are 'strings' and obligations, especially when such large sums are involved, even if the giver doesn't intend it to be that way. I think it's a healthier relationship when you relate to each other as independent adults.

I agree with the advice to make sure you understand the legal situation, especially as you are unmarried, what happens if you separate etc.

hiddenhome Fri 28-Dec-12 15:55:42

You've done well with your studies and have a nice boyfriend and a baby on the way, you need to just relax and be happy smile don't worry about the flat. Enjoy your life. I also grew up in care and it's hard to allow yourself to be happy sometimes smile

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Dec-12 15:56:18

Never mind the flat for a moment. I'm worried that you thought they would be less than impressed with him bringing you home.

If you were brought home by my son I'd think you were amazing! You weren't lucky enough to have a family you could live with and you must have worked like mad to get to the point where you're studying for a PhD. Do you realise how few children who are fostered even get their GCSEs? You've done incredibly well and I'm sure they are overawed by how much you've achieved given your start in life.

I'd think my son was bloody lucky to have a child with someone like you. If you are uncomfortable with the flat then say so, but don't make any decision which will make your life more difficult. The next couple of years will be tough work-wise and it would be great not to have to worry about where to live.

CarpeJugulum Fri 28-Dec-12 16:04:17

Why not thank them for the offer - but ask to pay rent to ensure you have legal rights?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 28-Dec-12 16:05:59

I understand why you might not want to take it. It's a question of pride to make your own way in the world and that's fine, commendable even. BUT it sounds as though they already own the flat and will give the tenants notice so you can move in rent free. To be honest that doesn't stop you saving up to get your own place but just keeps you and your child comfortable while DH completes his studies.

So I guess they are not unreasonable to offer (assuming no strings attached and they are not putting themselves in financial jeopardy to do it) but you would not be unreasonable to say "no thanks it's too much" either. What about renting from them at a lower than normal rent as a middle ground?

whois Fri 28-Dec-12 16:10:28

You might prefer to live in a studio with BF and baby rather than accept the generous offer, but come on. Your BF has med school to finish, having the baby is going to be hard enough, his parents probably just want the best for their son, grandchild and most likely you!!!

Just because people have a beach house for weekends doesn't make them bad people. They are probably quite excited about having a grandchild even if they aren't super impressed with the timing (before finishing med school).

misterwife Fri 28-Dec-12 16:53:33

As a man from a poor background married to a woman from a relatively affluent background whose parents have offered to do the same for us, I say take it.

You are clearly flabbergasted at their generosity and that's not unreasonable, but you have an opportunity and should not turn it down on a point of principle.

OhDearNigel Fri 28-Dec-12 17:24:36

What would you prefer ? That they thought you weren't good enough for their expensively educated son, looked down on you, made snidey comments in your earshot, refused to make you part of the family ?

If they are rich and own a lot of property I doubt they would even think that you would think they were giving too much.

Get the chip off your shoulder and accept the fact that you seem to have fallen on your feet. Or fuck off and I'll go and live in their free flat

FairyChristmas Fri 28-Dec-12 17:34:36

Accept. It's not for ever and will really help you with finances when the new baby comes.

Congratulations btw!

MotherOfTheBritishEmpire Fri 28-Dec-12 17:42:57

These people will be your baby's grandparents.
Unless you have good evidence to the contrary don't bring your child up to assume that just because they are rich they are vile enough to consider an un-monied person a gold digger.

You never know, once you and your partner each have a consultant salary coming in you might well be in a position to give your own child a big helping hand. Because you love them, are proud of them, wnat them to have a great future and because you can afford it. Wouldn't any parent feel happy about that?

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus Fri 28-Dec-12 17:46:52

My father gave up his PhD three years in because a baby (not me) was on the way. He didn't have to, and I'm sure DM never asked him to, but he wanted to.

Assuming the conditions are fair I think it would not be unreasonable to accept their offer. Then repay the debt by providing an emotionally and intellectually well-rounded human being (or two, or three) to add to their family.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 17:47:44

Another thing I would suggest is: if they insist on you not paying rent while you live there, take the money you would have spent on rent and put it into a savings account. If they are as lovely as they seem, then you will simply have a little chunk of money, either to put towards a larger home for your family later on or to treat the generous GPs to a holiday or whatever. And if something does go wrong, you will have a chunk of savings to fall back on.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 18:39:18

ImperialBlether, thank you for that. smile

MotherOfTheBritishEmpire, I don't think I ever suggested that I would bring up my child to think their grandparent's were vile.

BF's parents did indeed suggest actually giving us the flat (as in to own). I presume it would be transferred to him. My BF pointed out that in my version of our plans, he would be 'sponging' (his word - not mine) of me until he starts work - so I do get why he thinks I am being unreasonable. His brother also agrees with him, so am feeling a bit outnumbered at the moment.

Uppermid Fri 28-Dec-12 18:46:42

You could always say thank you!

Corygal Fri 28-Dec-12 18:47:19

Take it. I know how hard it can be being offered something nice when you're used to getting the shitty end of the stick - you must not let that stop you.

Life's too short, love, and you, BF and babe deserve a break.

flippinada Fri 28-Dec-12 18:52:57

Some of these responses are uncalled for. The op isn't being rude or ungrateful.

If someone offers you a huge, life changing "gift" like this it's right to carefully consider what you want to do.

judefawley Fri 28-Dec-12 18:59:51

I would happily accept their kind offer, what a lovely start it will give you.

If they're fairly wealthy it's probably not that huge a deal to them. I am lucky to have generous parents, I hope we will be the same with our children when they're older.

redwellybluewelly Fri 28-Dec-12 19:27:05

I'm also doing a doctorate, have a toddler and a baby due in June. I worked before PhD and DH works as well, we live within our means, have a mortgage on a small semi and save a bit each month.

Accept the flat. Say thank you and save what you can for the future.

Nursery costs equal my stipend (15k
annual), our toddler was born brain
injured due to labour mismanagement and we do a huge amount of private therapy whoch is costly. I can buy new shoes without worrying too much, can buy her vitamins and lots of good food for nutrition.

Accept the flat. You never know what's round the corner.

Also. My lovely sibling married into a much wealthier family and was initially embarrassed to accept huge gifts such as a horse, an extension and part payment on a car. They did accept these but saved their money too as that's the way it's done between generations. Younger pennies, make investments and establish a firm financial base and older ones buy things. Also helps avoided inheritance tax.

Think about what you want for your child. That mobile everyone says helps babies sleep and you haven't slept in months and you are meant to be writing but the mobile costs £20 and that's half the food budget etc etc. They grow surprisingly fast, and they need clothes before they are worn out, nursery or childcare fees,

redwellybluewelly Fri 28-Dec-12 19:30:07

Do ensure you establish legally what you or you child is entitled to, and don't sign anything without getting it seen by your ow solicitor. I once lost ten thousand on a house after I'd paid three years rent, that was over ten years ago and would have been more now

Wheredidmyyouthgo Fri 28-Dec-12 19:39:24

Please take it. Focus on your baby, focus on your studies, then once you are in your careers which you have already worked so hard for, you can repay them then if you're in a situation to.

Try and save as much as you can along the way, to ensure you remain independent and confident that you have your own means to get by as well.

Flatbread Fri 28-Dec-12 19:49:40

Sorry to go against the trend here, but I wouldn't. I come from a fairly well-off family and I have not taken gifts from my parents, let alone in-laws

I might have, to pay for education, but luckily was on a full scholarship in the US. But no way would I take money/accommodation. I have paid my own way through life, and am beholden to no one.

There is no free lunch in life. You will pay for it one way or the other, no matter how nice PIL are.

My motto is to take no more than I can give back. My parents have huge respect for me, more than my sis who has taken a flat and other financial help from them ( they are lovely about it, but nonetheless she feels obliged to listen to them more than I do)

Nothing wrong with a studio flat and skimping. I have had friends who have had babies while doing their PhDs and have managed on their own.

KobayashiMaru Fri 28-Dec-12 20:01:04

If they want to give their son a flat, who are you to tell him he can't have it? If you don't want to accept, insist it is transferred only into his name.

It's a bit martyrish to insist on living in a studio with a baby and scrabbling for pennies when you could live in a rent free flat with no strings attached.

Flatbread Fri 28-Dec-12 20:02:03

Also, if you spend on dp, he would be sponging off you, in a manner of speaking. If he paid your way, you would be sponging off him. But that is how marriages/ relationships are - codependent.

If pil provide the house, both of you would be sponging off them. Big difference.

Don't start the relationship on an unequal footing and having to be obliged to pil for financial assistance.

Flatbread Fri 28-Dec-12 20:04:15

Kobaya, there are always strings attached. Not because pil are manipulative, but because that is the way it it.

youngermother1 Fri 28-Dec-12 20:06:22

Why fight it? Take the flat, as you are unmarried, you have no claim on it, so it is an early inheritance for their son from their POV.
If you are worried about the financial bit, put aside what rent would cost into a savings account and decide what to do with that in a few months/years - ie it would be a deposit or nest egg if you needed to move out and the PIL turned out to be evil.
If it all works nicely, then useful deposit/help for a move to a bigger house in a few years with DC2.

Kundry Fri 28-Dec-12 20:13:04

When I was at medical school, a lot of my friends had houses bought for them by their parents to share with friends as a student house. I thought this was appalling (and my parents were in no position to do this) but for a lot of people with the money, this will be the normal thing to do.

Make sure there are no strings but then I would accept it. I've grown up since I was appalled at medical school - it is a lovely thing to do, and if you have the money isn't this better than spending it on endless cruises?

Wealthy people are no different to poor people - most will accept you for who you are, regardless of where you are from if you look like you work hard and care for others. If met as many poor snobs and arses as wealthy ones.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 28-Dec-12 20:13:11

Yabu. Nice one for landing yourself a well off bloke. Definitely take the offer. If and when the in laws piss you off you can always move out and give it back to them. If you get offered a break in life then take it with both hands!

EmmaBemma Fri 28-Dec-12 20:14:40

Take the flat! Seriously, no point wearing a hair shirt when there's an alternative. I understand you not wanting to be indebted to them, but so long as you all see where each other is coming from, there needn't be a big problem. As others have said - think how much you'll be able to save for the baby with the money you would have spent on rent.

I was in a similar situation - my parents in law offered my husband and me a place to live rent free (with some conditions - they ran holiday accommodation and we lived on site, and were thus an out-of-hours contact) and it worked out brilliantly for us. We would have really struggled without their generosity.

McBalls Fri 28-Dec-12 20:14:55

Look, stop over thinking it.

They're not giving you a flat, they're giving it to their son. You're about to move in together - had he already owned his own home (mortgaged, outright due to inheritance, whatever) would you refuse to move in?

If you would and you want to feel the home belongs to you both then negotiate, agree rent.

Personally, I would just feel fortunate and the money saved would be put aside for (hopefully) buying a bigger house together in the future when he would have the money from the flat and you would have the money you've saved and it would be your first jointly owned home or (possibly) in case the relationship doesn't work out and you need to move out as the flat is his.

Flatbread Fri 28-Dec-12 20:16:58

And forgot to say, OP, congratulations! Both for your bump and your PhD field. Bet you will have amazing years ahead as a mum and a great career to boot smile

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 20:18:06

What a kind thing to do. I would love to have been able to do this for my DC. All that property/accommodation worry removed from their shoulders.
Just accept graciously.

Or, alternatively, cut your nose off to spite your face.

wonderstuff Fri 28-Dec-12 20:18:38

I would accept. I got a few generous gifts (admittedly nothing like a flat but in the context of my parents means generous) when dd was born - I didn't want to accept - it seemed to much - but then I considered would it be something I would do for my child if I could and the answer was yes.

If you were as secure as your bf's parents and your child came to you in your situation would you do the same? I would. Let you bf take the flat, save what you can, as others say you don't know what's round the corner. Pay it forward to you child in 20 odd years.

maddening Fri 28-Dec-12 20:20:14

They are giving it to their son and gc not to you. If they are giving you the flat outright and it makes you nervous have them sign it only in your bf's name - you would only have claim to it if you married him or he signed you on to it.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 20:23:56

If there was no baby on the way I woukd understand your reluctance but you would be very unreasonable to put your principles and pride above giving your child the best possible start in life.

yousmell Fri 28-Dec-12 20:28:59

Take it. It isn't about you. They want to support their son and grandchild. You will feel the same about your own child. As a parent I would want to move heaven and earth to support my kids.

allagory Fri 28-Dec-12 20:35:56

First babies are tough on relationships and med school is tough too - but not having to worry about the rent or not having another room where you can get some rest/head space will help it.

Sometimes you just get lucky, accept it gracefully. It's not irreversible anyway.

Flatbread Fri 28-Dec-12 20:37:29

If they put the flat in bf's name (as is most likely), op has the worst of both worlds.

How much is the rent on a studio flat (OP are you in London?). Say it is £1200 a month. So OP's share is £600 quid.

By living in pil's gifted flat op saves £600. But at what cost? Potentially pil dropping in frequently/unannounced to see grandchild. Expecting op to spend holidays with them and fitting into their lifestyle.

She hardly knows pil. Cannot assess what will be expected. Pil may not know themselves yet, till grandchild comes along and emotions run high.

OP, my advice is that for the sake of a measly £600 or so quid a month, don't put yourself on a potentially unequal situation.

Don't worry about saving £600 now, you have great earning potential in the near future. You and dp will have a joint income of £150k+ in the near future. Plenty to buy your own place. And if you need financial help with a deposit, take it then. You will be more confident and have established your relationship and boundaries by then.

oldpeculiar Fri 28-Dec-12 20:41:01

Living in a studio flat with a baby would be stressful enough , but trying to study for final exams too with a baby of 10-12m who may well be toddling and into everything by then, might be nigh on impossible.I think this is what your PILs are thinking.

flippinada Fri 28-Dec-12 20:48:40

Really - OP is not daft to have concerns about this. She doesn't know these people.

It could be (and hopefully is) that the parents are just lovely, kind and generous people who want to help out their son and his partner.

However, it's also not unknown for people to make excessively generous gifts as a means of controlling others and making them feel indebted. Considering this is not being awful, it's being sensible.

flippinada Fri 28-Dec-12 20:49:04

I mean to say she doesn't know them very well.

KobayashiMaru Fri 28-Dec-12 20:51:16

She might not know them. Their son does, however. Seriously, thay have been together 5 mins and already having a baby, but that doesn't mean she can control his relationship with his parents and what gifts he accepts from them.

EmmaBemma Fri 28-Dec-12 20:52:28

"OP, my advice is that for the sake of a measly £600 or so quid a month.."

Flatbread, you're a lucky woman indeed if you think £600 a month is "measly". It's not far off my total monthly income.

Of course (this to flippinada) OP is not daft to have concerns. But these can be allayed by ensuring that everyone understands each other from the start, and knows what is expected or not expected of them.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Fri 28-Dec-12 20:52:33

OP it may be with their kind of wealth a flat is nothing to them TBH. I would accept with good grace.

CaptainVonTrapp Fri 28-Dec-12 20:54:21

If I could do this for my dc I would. (sadly I can't)

Totally disagree with everything flatbread said.

Take the flat. If it doesn't work out, move out. No reason to think they have weird expectations of you or will be letting themselves in. In fact they sound absolutely right, the last thing you'll need to have to worry about is rent. I don't know many people who think £600 a month is 'measly'.

Lavenderhoney Fri 28-Dec-12 20:59:30

How lovely of them! To start married life in the best possible way without money worries. Say thank you and start thinking about decorating your baby's new room.

My dm bought my db a flat when he got married. Otherwise they would have been living with us or her mumssmile Probably still there now as well.

It doesn't matter who's name its in, it doesn't sound like its going to be rental and anyway, it's family. All will be shared out one day. Buy them some flowers, and chocs, say how happy you are and be happysmile congratulations btw.

flippinada Fri 28-Dec-12 20:59:40

That's true Emma.

Maybe if the OP would feel better about accepting if there were safeguards built in, such as a contract written up?

Otherwise it could get nasty if (god forbid) they split up or the parents suddenly changed their minds.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 21:10:09

I think it's nice of them.

And I agree with a written contract that it either belongs to both of you, or only to him.

For them it might not be such a big deal, financially. And maybe they always intended to give something big when he got married.

They probably don't want you all (including grandchild) to have to just get by.

BTW, I don't think they would offer a flat if they thought you were a gold digger.
You are doing a PhD (paid, so you certainly have the merit to do it) and have a career, FGS. smile

With that type of background they were probably planning to buy him a property at some point but possibly were holding back until he has got through medical school or the period after when he may have jobs all over the place. This probably just seemed to be a sensible time accelerate their plans to take the pressure off all of you, give him a bit more space to study and provided for their grandchild.

If you don't like the plan then you could suggest that they buy a flat in their names and you live in it rent free.

You won't be earning £150k between you in the near future and even with your salaries when he qualifies you may find things tough. In some ways a single big gift may be better for you than not taking it, struggling and being given a few £100 here and there.

If they seem like reasonable people then you could discuss your concerns about it with them. For example, their comments about the decor of your flat may feel proprietorial if they have paid for it, even if they are not intended that way.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 21:14:28

And the money saved on rent could be used for childcare, which will be needed at some point, with the PhD and the medical degree.

Booblesonthetree Fri 28-Dec-12 21:15:37

Congratulations and YABMostlyU!
Do you think that you might be a little too aware of the differences in your backgrounds? If you are only just getting to know them then you won't really know what is going on in their minds and might well be putting thoughts into their heads...
Maybe if your DP spoke to them about getting something down on paper to give you all a safeguard against the unexpected it would make you feel better?
I would accept on those terms and put away the equivalent rent or as much as you can as a cushion.

Morloth Fri 28-Dec-12 21:22:15

Why not accept the offer, but ask them to keep ownership of the flat with you paying a small amount of rent.

They are looking after their child/grandchild and that means looking after you.

We are in a position that if/when my boys decide to go to university we will buy them somewhere to live if necessary, them having a partner/baby would make that MORE likely, but we will be retaining ownership.

WineOhWhy Fri 28-Dec-12 21:37:28

fwiw, I am fortunate enough to hope to be in a position to do for my DC what your DP's parents are offering to do for him.i would be deeply upset if my motivations were doubted. I do, however, understand where you are coming from given that you do not really know them and would like to think that I would tread gently in your particular situation and maybe offer the place rent free for a period rather than an outright gift, at least at first. However, I think it can be hard for the parents to win. If, for example, they had already gifted a property to a sibling of your DP on the birth of a child, they might think you/ he would be offended if they did less for you ( that might be taken as an indication that they don't think you good enough). What you should also bear in mind is that in due course (and hopefully not for a long time), their money (or part of it) will come to your DP/DC anyway, and this offer may just (at east in part) simply be sensible inheritance tax planning on their part given the 7 year rule.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 28-Dec-12 21:38:21

I come from a family where there was never any possibility of being offered any financial support at all. It was very hard to know how to deal with my husband's family who are quite secure and often give us gifts. Freaks me right out because...why would someone give me money if there wasn't an ulterior motive?

But lovely wealthy people exist, who are just trying to be kind. Maybe this is the case.

You need to discuss it all with your BF, but with the understanding that you might be reacting in a particular way because of your background.

Morloth Fri 28-Dec-12 21:45:42

The money DH and I have is for our children, what is the point of it if you can't use it to smooth out life's bumps?

If DS came home and said he had got someone pregnant, we would offer to assist him in his responsibilities towards that baby, and as mums are pretty important, looking after baby usually means looking after the mum.

Babies are not the worst thing that can happen, and they do not need to mean the end of anyone's plans. Plans will need tweaking obviously, but hey what is money for if not to give the people you love a bit of help.

Pooka Fri 28-Dec-12 21:59:23

Why not accept the flat with the proviso that at present it is in your dp's ownership (draw up a legal agreement). You effectively move into your dp's flat and things are easier for you both. After all, what would you have been doing in current situation if they'd given dp a flat a year ago? Would you have refused to move in with him because his parents had previously gifted him property.

An example, when dh (then dp) were first together he was looking to buy and he parents gifted him money to cover 90% of flat purchase so he was starting off with minuscule mortgage. He bought the flat, was in his name.

When we bought next house, together, we were still umarried. We drew up a document with the solicitor setting out what we were each bringing to the property, taking into account that the large deposit was made up of the proceeds of the sale of his flat.

We subsequently married and started family and with next house purchase went in on an entirely equal footing to reflect change in circumstances/relationship/kids etc. the endowment from the originl flat I'd now in both our names. His parents have since laid off our mortgage. They are very wealthy. It makes them happy to be able to put us on a solid footing, and they are taking s long view of the tax implications of gifts/inheritance which their a courant advised them to do.

If the fat is at this stage in his name I think you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face and, to an extent, interfering in a generous offer from parents to their son and his future family. Why shouldn't they give him the flat simply because he is in a relationship with you?

Pooka Fri 28-Dec-12 22:02:59

When our dcs are old I would live to be able to do something similar for them. We won't be abe to afford a whole flat Each - but proportionately to our income a good deposit for us might be equivalent to a whole flat for your dp's parents.

Zipitydooda Fri 28-Dec-12 22:11:15

When you become a mum you will realise that you would do almost ANYTHING to make your child's world better and their life as happy and successful as it can be.
That is what your BF parents are trying to do for their son. They are fortunate in being able to do this for him. Help him to finish his training in comfort in a setting that will give him more chance of success than in a studio flat with a baby and financial worries.
They also sound like genuinely nice people from what you have said about them being nice and welcoming to you. They must also like you and want to see your relationship have the best chance of success and therefore their grandchild being bought up in a stable, loving home without the financial stresses that you would have faced otherwise.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 22:18:01

Ok to put this in perspective, I had never even had anyone give me something for Christmas until I was nine. And while I was psyched to be given a book, that's about the level of gift receiving I have experienced until now. For someone to give someone else (and yes, I know he is their son) a flat is completely incomprehensible to me.

And to all of you who said I was being ungrateful or am trying to control BF's relationship with his parents. That is ridiculous. I was so excited to meet them earlier this month (despite being nervous and feeling stupidly insecure) and think it's amazing that his family is so close (he also has two brothers who are fab). It's so nice to think that my baby will have two parents, two grandparents and two uncles to love it. That's pretty special.

It has been really helpful reading through the many responses though and has given me some other ways of thinking about things. Think BF and I will need to do some more talking. We've been volunteering over Christmas and have kind of had half conversations left right and centre.

greenplastictrees Fri 28-Dec-12 22:23:26

Oh op. honestly it sounds like they are nice people who want to do a nice thing but I can totally see why you are struggling with it. It feels weird if it's not what you are used to. But I think it is your insecurities and it does sound like they are just being helpful. Work on building a relationship with your new extended family and enjoying your

mynewpassion Fri 28-Dec-12 22:25:52

You might not be able to accept this but he surely can.

You sound like an amazing woman. Your BF parents could probably see this. And in no way would consider you a gold-digger. Talk with your BF - but try to ignore the "value" of the gift and look instead at the motivation behind it. To help out they son and his fabulous girlfriend - and to give their grandchild to be a home. Some grandparents will buy a moses basket. Some just a babygrow. If they can and want to offer a flat then they are incredibly luck be able to afford to.

I hope you work it out. Congratulations on your bump.

drcrab Fri 28-Dec-12 22:36:53

Accept it with good grace. I would. And dh and I have spoken about how when our kids are grown up, we hope to be able to give them significant deposits for their homes. We didn't get this and frankly if either of us did receive such a gift, we would have been so grateful.

ZebraInHiding Fri 28-Dec-12 22:48:56

What lovely people they sound. Congratulations on your pregnancy. smile

OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 22:59:53

FishfingersAreOK that sounds pretty much word for word like what BF keeps saying... are you sure you are not him? grin

cheeseandpineapple Fri 28-Dec-12 23:34:46

I can see why you might feel awkward about this and need to talk it through with bf.

My dh's family are very generous financially as they want to pass on some of their savings during their life time. I feel awkward about it as I've always strived to be financially independent but recognise it's something between DH and his parents and we're not dependant on them.

Moving into their flat could be a lovely start to your new life together with the baby but would say continue to aim to be financially secure in your own right, maybe the money you'd save in rent you can save towards buying your own place with your bf one day -even if they gift him the flat, ultimately you want a home that you own jointly.

Overall it's a nice problem to have, even if you do feel conflicted!

Lavenderhoney Sat 29-Dec-12 07:50:31

To add , I don't think who it belongs to is an issue. It's theirs, and they are willing to let you live in it. You might want to move after a year or so anyway, if you have more dc or want a garden. You can save up for a house or school fees or whatver- and perhaps another family member can take the flat after you. Or they have another property which you can stay in one day.

Perhaps you will be planning a wedding in the future toosmile

We hope to help our dc out, I was given money to help with my first house and although dh's parents can't do that, they help in other ways. Why struggle when you don't have to? Accept in the spirit it's given, to worry about ownership seems a bit odd to me if you will be saving anyway and it's a family property. Think of it as a spare roomsmile

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Sat 29-Dec-12 08:00:17

So his lovely family have thrown their arms open to you and want to make sure their son and grandchild have somewhere nice to live with no worries and this is a bad thing? You can always move out.

nilbyname Sat 29-Dec-12 08:00:49

Accept the flat.

Congratulations on the baby, how exciting!

whoneedssleepanyway Sat 29-Dec-12 08:07:45

I am not sure what the problem is here....

You say it isn't as if it is a crib it's a flat.....but they can clearly afford this and so maybe relatively it is the same as someone who has nothing giving the baby a crib or buggy....

If you are that uncomfortable with it why not say that is lovely you feel awkward so can you treat it as a loan until you and your BF are financially secure and able to buy a property of your own....

It seems to solve your financial worries.

ThreeWheelsGood Sat 29-Dec-12 08:11:06

just to reiterate what some other posters have said - you'll be so grateful when the baby comes. I have a two month old and it is exhausting, '. accept all the help you can get! we've had to accept some help with our rent from parents (we live in London). we did talk to them about "terms" to check expectations, but there were none - they just remembered how it feels to have a newborn AND they were so excited to be having a grandchild! I expect your DP's parents feel the same.

you sound great, all the best with the baby!

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 08:29:18

I am surprised by the very grabby advice you've received here.

It would be very foolish to make your new home with your child and a very recent boyfriend in a flat owned by his family.

You would be very vulnerable to people you basically don't know if you and your child's home belonged to them and they could make you homeless at the drop of a hat.

The only way you should accept this is if you have a proper, legal tenancy agreement that means you are legally entitled to stay if your relationship doesn't work out.

I think the simplest option would be for your boyfriend to accept a flat as an investment, rent it out, and use the rental income to cover some or all of the rent on a property you rent together.

Blindly moving in to a flat owned by a wealthy family you don't know when you are pregnant with their grandchild and ignoring everything valuable your life has taught you about money and power and how they intersect, woukd be doing yourself a disservice.

Their wealth doesn't make them better or more generous. Your background doesn't mean you know nothing of the world.

Lueji Sat 29-Dec-12 08:51:10

Sleigh has a point, but could you clarify who will actually own the flat and what the terms will be?
Who would choose the flat, etc?

cheeseandpineapple Sat 29-Dec-12 09:10:51

Sleigh, would your advice be the same if bf already had the flat when they got together and then OP moved in?

If bf accepts flat as investment and they use rent to rent somewhere else isn't it still more his contribution than hers even if she's named on tenancy? I understand your point but what you're suggesting sounds convoluted and doesn't negate that bf and his parents will be contributing more than OP in financial terms to their start as a family. Which I agree could make OP vulnerable if things don't work out but having legal right under tenancy to stay in a place she couldn't afford to run by herself if things don't work out won't be much good to OP either.

I think OP has to make sure she's financially secure in her own right going forward but that's not mutually exclusive with moving into the apartment at least to start with and having an understanding with bf of what their long term objective is (for me that would be somewhere they can own jointly in the future).

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 09:28:26

"having legal right under tenancy to stay in a place she couldn't afford to run by herself if things don't work out won't be much good to OP either."

I guess we disagree about how important it is that you can't be made homeless overnight if you have a row with your boyfriend.

If she needs to move out of a shared flat, that can be managed.

If the roof over her head that night depends on the generosity of a family she doesn't know very well, she (and her baby) are very vulnerable.

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Dec-12 09:36:43

There are other bits of info missing here, if your dp is still a student, are his parents currently supporting him? Would the loss of rent on the property be a similar sum each month to what they are currently giving him?

If the other brothers are happy with it, dies that mean they either have a similar expectation of same sized gifts in the future or have they already received similar help to start out if older? Is this effectively your dp getting his share of inheritance early?

If the property isn't currently tenanted, why do they own it? Is it for them to stay in when in that town? Therefore will part of the deal be that you put them up when visiting. (although I'd put up visiting family anyway even if i had paid for my own place)

I would say accept, insist its put in your dps name for now. If they turn out to be interfering types, you only have a year to suck it up before your dp graduates and then could move on. He will know his parents better than you, talk to him!

3littlefrogs Sat 29-Dec-12 09:39:52

If you love each other, are happy to have a child together, why don't you just get married? Then accept the flat with good grace.

They are rich and have property, want to help their son, you are going to be part of their family. I can't see the problem TBH.

It would be different if you didn't love each other and don't expect to stay together, but if that were the case you wouldn't be moving in together and having a child. Would you? Or am I missing something?

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sat 29-Dec-12 09:47:44

SleighbellsRingInYourLife, being suddenly homeless after a row with BF isn't a likely reality. Even if we ever did break up, he is an amazing person and that scenario would never happen. Also at present, I am the one with a fairly good and stable income and do have savings.

Dontmindifido, the flat is apparently empty because the current tenants had just moved out and they wanted to repaint, etc before renting out again. His parents are currently paying his rent, but the flat is in an area of town that we could never afford to rent in. His brothers are a twin and younger than BF, so have not received similar gifts.

gimmecakeandcandy Sat 29-Dec-12 09:50:05

I too think you should accept graciously - if I were your bf and you said no I would be very pissed off with YOU. If I could afford to do this for my kids I would and would be so happy to help lift some burden by doing so. Anyway, they are giving the flat to your bf really and it helps you all out by having it so don't start imposing silly sanctions on it. Later on, when you can afford to, you and your bf could always buy your own place and rent it out so you have something of your own iyswim.

Accept graciously and get that chip off your shoulder, if they are lovely people who are close to their son then join in and go with the flow.

juneau Sat 29-Dec-12 09:53:48

I haven't read all the replies, but I think you're over-reacting and just not used to the way people like his parents do things. From their POV they have a flat you can live in, you're both studying at the moment with no means of income until you qualify, and you're now pregnant with their GC. They're clearly well off and don't want you to struggle when they can help out and are happy to do so. End of story. So you can refuse their kind offer and struggle along, or you can accept with a gracious 'thank you' and have a much easier time of it. Given your background it's understandable that you're confused by such largesse, but I think you should take this offer at face value and not over-think it too much.

fluffygal Sat 29-Dec-12 09:59:46

The responses on here have surprised me. I once posted (on a different forum) about my parents paying the deposit for my house, and that now everything I bought was scrutinised, they had a key and would just let themselves in without knocking so I was always on edge. We got a dog and my mum wasn't happy about it, I was told by posters that she had every right to tell me to get rid of the dog as they had paid the deposit (we made the payments). I was basically told I deserved it all as I had accepted their gift of a deposit and that I shouldn't have taken it.

So basically OP, you do need to set ground rules on what this now means. I could never relax in that house, felt like I was back to living as a teenager by having to run everything past my parents!

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 10:02:05

"Even if we ever did break up, he is an amazing person and that scenario would never happen."


You've been dating this guy for 6 months.

How amazing a person he is is not something you should be betting your baby's security on.

How much money you earn is irrelevant to whether or not you can be out out on the street if you piss off the wrong person when you have no rights whatsoever to stay in your home.

You guys are optimistically trying to build a very committed life together based on not much in terms of a solid relationship.

Hopefully you are right about each other and it is a happily ever after.

But protecting yourself from the downsides of the risk you are taking here is important.

Moving into the family (not your family, his family, looking out for him) flat without any kind of legal protection would be incredibly foolhardy.

If these are good people, they will understand that and be happy to out an arrangement in place that protects all of you.

MavisG Sat 29-Dec-12 10:05:17

Ohtheplaces - congratulations on your pregnancy. When your child is born and you love it sooooo much I suspect that, as well as pain coming up for you about your own baby- and childhood, the shift of perspective to parent will help you recognise and accept the love your Bf's parents have for him and, crucially, by extension you and your child. My parents in law love me and look out for me, including gifts to us of money that my parents wouldn't think to give us even if they had it. It's weird at first. But they love their son and are so relieved/happy/excited he has someone who makes him happy. Even now, years on. And a grandchild! They are happy. You can choose to allow yourself to relax about this. Wishing you all the luck and happiness in the world.

Pantomimedam Sat 29-Dec-12 10:17:05

When dh and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend we were in a flatshare where, eventually, we really didn't get on with our housemates. I was moaning about this to my a family friend, while teasing dh that I was only with him for his money (he'd mentioned he'd inherited a few grand from his Granddad). My aunt pointed out we could use that money on a deposit for a flat. I was astonished as such a thing had never occurred to me, partly because we were only 20 and 21.

But it made sense. Dh's parents very sensibly asked dh to get it written into the contract that if we split up, dh would have equity in the flat equivalent to his investment, which I thought was fair enough. More than 20 years later we are still together... it was fine.

Dh's parents were just decent people who were happy to help their son out (turned out the money was legally his Dad's but his Granddad had said to give it to the grandkids). They would never have dreamed of asking for a key or any of the things some of the more suspicious posters have suggested - instead they gave us some odds and ends of furniture they didn't need any more and bought us the curtains (family friend pointed out 'you've got enough money for a double bed and a corkscrew, what more do you need at your age?'.) grin

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Dec-12 10:24:04

Well, then they can afford to sacrifice the rent, it's not like they are just going out and buying place from scratch. Do they currently give your DP money to live off/pay his rent/pay his fees? It could easily be he sees this as an extension of that.

The younger BILs may well be lead to expect a similar sized gift when they 'start out'. For some families, this is the norm. It might grate on your DP later on if he doesn't accept and they do. Money can cause problems in families, although mainly the problems are caused by parents not being consistant.

If it will be your DP's flat entirely, that he's sure it won't come with strings and is effectively just giving him his inheritance early when he needs it (rather than in 30 years time where by the sound of it with your joint career paths, you won't need it!), then accept. It might be worth asking DP if he knows if his parents also recieved help when they first started out from their parents, it could well be one of those family traditions, and the only "condition" placed on you is the understanding if you are able to, you do the same when the baby you are carrying reaches adulthood.

I personally see this as them trying to keep you both in education, I can easily see you both either dropping out or your DP taking on extra paid work and failing. Not being able to study in a studio flat and failing exams then not being able to afford to resit would be a fear. I know so many people who started PHDs and never finished them, they probably are terrified that you/their DS will just not finish.

I'd do this for my kids without a second thought. You are both obviously clever and wanting to get on in life and his parents can see thus and are giving you a helping hand. Stop second guessing their motives and be gracious when you accept.

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Dec-12 10:29:25

oh and BTW - if they really thought you were a gold digger, there's no way they would be doing this !!!! They might offer you to live in the flat rent free, but keep ownership so you can't have a claim on it. They might offer to pay for childcare directly etc. But if they thought you were only getting pregnant to 'snag a rich man due a big inheritance' they wouldn't be so generous at all.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sat 29-Dec-12 10:30:13

Sleighbells 'You guys are optimistically trying to build a very committed life together based on not much in terms of a solid relationship.

Hopefully you are right about each other and it is a happily ever after.'

We met volunteering with kids with disabilities, which we do every weekend and BF has for four years now. His dream was to work for MSF upon qualifying. He never, ever loses his temper over anything. He's the kind of guy who gives up his seat, helps carry buggies up stairs and visit his grandma. He is not the kind of person that would allow his ex partner and child to be homeless no matter how badly we fell out. So out of all my (partly irrational) worries, that really isn't one.

Erm, I'd have jumped at the chance! Some parent's just want to help their kids out if they can. Nothing wrong with that surely?
Did you expect them to be angry and shocked instead because they are posh?

Sorry YABU

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Dec-12 10:43:21

OP - The shortness of your relationship doesn't mean it won't last. It just means it's more of a risk than otherwise, but you are pregnant now and quite frankly, I'd be more concerned if he wasn't trying to build a committed life with the mother of his child.

You are having a child with his man, you are tied to him for the next 20+ years now regardless of how it works out between you as a couple.

HSMM Sat 29-Dec-12 10:49:50

Even if the flat comes with loads of 'strings attached', you can live there in relative comfort while you both finish your courses and save for your own place when you are both working.

During the time you are living there, you will establish whether it has been a kind and open gift, given out of love for their son/grandchild.

My mother gave me a pram when I had my DD, but if she could have given me a flat, I'm sure she would have done.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Sat 29-Dec-12 10:52:53

Op if in the future you were in the position to be able to do this for your child, would you?

Fairyegg Sat 29-Dec-12 11:02:35

Take it! It may seem like a huge thing to you but if they are that rich it won't seem like such a big deal to them. Your carrying their grandchild now, they are merely trying to support their son, and you and the baby are now part of that. Don't take to much notice of the shortest of your relationship, I was pregnant within 2 months, 5 years later we are married, have another child and a mortgage. Both of our parents have been very very supportive, both emotionally and financially which we are very grateful for as it has made our life's so much easier.

CecilyP Sat 29-Dec-12 11:04:37

Worries about lack of security if the relationship didn't work out seem ill-founded. The parents sound generous enough not to want to see their grandchild and his/her mother on the streets. Anyway, how much security would OP have with a short-assured tenancy on the studio flat that she romantically (if somewhat misguidely) imagined sharing with her partner and child. This way, even if things don't work out, she will at least be able to save the money she would have spent on rent for her and the DC's future.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 11:08:31

"We met volunteering with kids with disabilities, which we do every weekend and BF has for four years now. His dream was to work for MSF upon qualifying. He never, ever loses his temper over anything. He's the kind of guy who gives up his seat, helps carry buggies up stairs and visit his grandma."

So he's the kind of guy who if he turns out to be abusive, nobody would believe you?

You don't know him very well.

You don't know his family at all.

Go into this hopefully but with your eyes open and your arse covered.

"He is not the kind of person that would allow his ex partner and child to be homeless no matter how badly we fell out"

That's what everyone thinks.

And yet women with children find themselves in appalling situations because they think that if you are in love that means you should put your arse on the line (and your children's too).

These nice, kind, generous people will understand why you need a tenancy agreement.

All the people saying they would do this for their child are missing the bleeding obvious that you are not their chikd.

You are a woman their son has just started dating who is unexpectedly pregnant.

Their concern here (entirely understandably) is his welfare. Not yours.

Pantomimedam Sat 29-Dec-12 11:52:28

Do try to save the money you would have used for rent - even if you can't save the whole amount, put something aside for a rainy day. I hope you and dp will stay together - it can work - but equally given the relationship is so new it may not work and if that happens, you'll need a deposit for a flat. He may well be a lovely guy, may remain a lovely guy even if you split, but even apparently lovely people can get nasty when a relationship breaks down and they are hurting.

Btw, my sister got accidentally p/g within a few months of meeting someone. (She'd been told she was infertile after trying for years with her ex, including failed IVF.). They were together for six years, living in the house her ex already owned. Sadly split up - but are still co-parents, working together for their dd's best interests. By the time they split, my sister had returned to studying after mat. leave, qualified and established herself in a career. She was able to walk away and rent somewhere for herself and her dd. You need to do the same, build up some savings and continue your studies so that if it does all go wrong, you can look after yourself and your baby.

Hopefully none of this will come to pass and one day you'll be celebrating your ruby wedding anniversary but it's worth having a savings pot just in case.

Flatbread Sat 29-Dec-12 12:57:21

Sleigh is absolutely spot on. You need to know that the roof over your head is yours, not based on his family's goodwill.

I can see why you bf is happy with this plan, but cannot see how this is of benefit to you, given the risks and downsides involved.

Please find a neutral place, which does not obligate you to pil. You might find that pil, bf and your child are one unit, and you included only if you fit in, or out on the streets otherwise.

Do not give people you hardly know so much hold over you. No matter how nice they are.

CecilyP Sat 29-Dec-12 13:01:19

How will a neutral place be hers, though? Unless she qualifies for social housing or can become an owner occupier, that is. A short assured tenancy does not confer many rights. And she will definitely have more choices if she is able to save rather than wasting her money on unecessary rent.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 13:15:42

A tenancy confers all the rights she needs.

Paying rent is not a waste of money.

You are paying for the right to use a space as your home.

Which is entirely different from being a guest in somebody else's property.

As a guest you have zero rights.

That leaves you very, very vulnerable.

If there is a disagreement over any of the many kinds of domestic issues this couple have no experience of negotiating - finances, childcare, chores, parenting styles, free time, socialising, emotional support, the person living as a guest in the family home of the other is at a massive disadvantage.

How do you stand your ground when the ground you occupy is owned by the other person and you are only there as long as they allow it?

I'm amazed at how greedy people are that they are advising the OP make herself and her baby entirely beholden to a family she doesn't know, just because they are rich.

It explains a lot about how easy it is to totally screw people over if you have money at your disposal.

Flatbread Sat 29-Dec-12 13:26:09

It makes op less vulnerable, from a psychological and practical perspective. She can ask bf to leave, if they are living in a neutral place and take a roommate to cover rent, for example. She has money to pay her share of the rent, and in a neutral place she is not obligated to his family.

I didn't want to bring up the issue of the bf, earlier. But my first thought on reading this thread was, did he not wear a condom? If he didn't, that is incredibly selfish and would get my antennae up a bit. When we were married, in our early years, my dh would wear a condom and ejaculate outside, in conjunction with my bc. I was doing my PhD and he didn't want to mess that up. (sorry if that is TMI)

Sleigh is talking so much sense. It is great to hope for the best...but please make sure you are protecting your own interests during such a vulnerable time, when you have you AND a little one to look after.

OP you sound like a strong person. Wish you all the best.

Flatbread Sat 29-Dec-12 13:27:03

Xposted with sleigh

LaCiccolina Sat 29-Dec-12 13:32:12

I'd be very grateful if I were u that they are being so pleasant and supportive. This could so easily have been a different kind of thread.

My only thought is what I'd give for all un married couples, put yourselves together a list of who is bringing what in when u first move in together. You can get flat share agreements from whsmiths for a tenner. This way not just your items on arrival are protected but so are his. He has to also think of himself here. Then what u but together u can share 50/50. My dh and I did this at the start when I bought a flat and he moved in.

Both of us were worried of the what if scenario. I could've lost the flat and him his gear. This kind of took the worry away and we forgot about it and we got engaged. I think it just gave us confidence? Whatever we r married now 8 yrs and two dds.

His parents might also appreciate the concern from you as of course he might not be the one where an issues arises, it could be u....

Hopefully not and life is great. Good luck with everything

GrimmaTheNome Sat 29-Dec-12 13:36:56

You may not know your BF very well yet, OP, but you know him infinitely better than anyone else posting on this thread. While its wise to consider the thoughts of people who've had bad experiences which have maybe destroyed their ability to trust, that is not the norm. You're not a silly girl who can't fend for herself if things do go pearshape (and I don't see anything in what you've posted that suggests this is particularly likely). You've got work, you've got some savings, I don't see how this can in any way leave you more vulnerable than you would be otherwise (other than emotionally maybe, and you don't strike me as someone who couldn't cope). Letting your BF and yourself have a flat only gives his parents a 'hold over you' if (a) they're controlling types and (b) you're the sort who succumbs to being controlled. I think some posters are projecting their own past problems onto your situation - well, some of their points may be worth considering but for goodness sakes don't let their suspicions warp what seems to be the beginnings of good relationships

Aboutlastnight Sat 29-Dec-12 13:42:40


take the flat. enjoy it, congrats on your baby.

His parents obviously like you. You are financially independent, have a great career awaiting you and are starting a family. If they had doubts about your intentions they would not have offered you this flat - don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

we struggled financially for years. it's crap not having money when you have children, not having to pay for a mortgage allows you to get the best childcare for your baby (if that's what you want) you can afford a nanny which can easily equal or exceed the monthly cost of a mortgage.

really, just accept it, you will need all the help you can get with fledgling career and small baby, i think his parents can see this as they have been through it themselves and are offering some sensible help.

Flatbread Sat 29-Dec-12 13:44:58

Grimm, I am not projecting any bad experiences. DH and I just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I finished my PhD on time, with no mishaps. I got a great job and have independent assets. Plus I come from a wealthy family who will protect my interests.

I am just speaking sense. No agenda at all.

Aboutlastnight Sat 29-Dec-12 13:46:06

and yy to what grimma is saying - don't let other people project their bad experiences on to your relationship, grab this time and be happy, you have everything right now, enjoy it.

Rollmops Sat 29-Dec-12 13:51:55

I intend to the same for my DTs; given, of course, we like the future brides-to-be.
Accept it gracefully but if you feel the need, do talk to them about your concerns as you have done here. Honesty will always be appreciated.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 13:57:19

No bad experiences here either.

I'm happily married and from a well-off family.

I think it is extremely odd to say that it "warps" a relationship to take sensible precautions to protect yourself in the early stages.

There is a definite cultural bias towards women making themselves dependent on men, even where they don't know them well, in the name of love.

"If they had doubts about your intentions they would not have offered you this flat"


They don't know her at all.

This gift to their son says nothing about their feelings for the OP.

If they are decent people they are hoping (like the OP is hoping) for a happy ending.

But it's way too early in the relationship for anything other than hope.

And hope is great. I'm an eternal optimist.

But I am not a fool. And only a fool would take this offer without making sure the home they were making for their new baby was a home they could not be asked to leave on the whim of someone they had just met.

CecilyP Sat 29-Dec-12 14:12:38

sleighbells^A tenancy confers all the rights she needs.^

Does it? Are you sure about that? I thought that most modern private tenancies offered very few rights. But if that is the case, OP can go and get that tenancy if things do go wrong. She will then have a sizable deposit anyway. In OP's case, I think paying rent is a waste of money because I get the impression she will actually be using her savings in order to do so. She is earning - not sure how much but childcare costs will eat into that quite soon. Her BF is presumably being supported by his parents at the moment - and that won't change for another 18 months.

flatbread^She can ask bf to leave, if they are living in a neutral place and take a roommate to cover rent, for example.^

If, as OP implied, all they could afford was a studio, I don't think sharing with a mum and baby would be an attractive proposition for a roommate.

I don't get the impression that the parents are wanting control over OP - they are landlords; they own several properties, and obviously feel they can let one of them go for their DS, GF and potential DGC. Perhaps the best compromise might be to take their offer - but as tenants with a proper tenancy agreement but paying well below market rent.

Lueji Sat 29-Dec-12 14:45:59

they could not be asked to leave on the whim of someone they had just met.

It's not "they", though, is it? It's his parents.
It's the op that has just met them.

GrimmaTheNome Sat 29-Dec-12 14:49:23

>I think it is extremely odd to say that it "warps" a relationship to take sensible precautions to protect yourself in the early stages.

Would be, if that's what I'd meant. Sensible precautions is good - I'm worried about sowing the seeds of distrust uneccessarily. But not too worried because the OP sounds like she has lots of sense and can judge whether her BF is trustworthy.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Sat 29-Dec-12 14:58:57

given, of course, we like the future brides-to-be

This is exactly why the OP needs to protect herself!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sat 29-Dec-12 15:02:58

accept graciously, save for your own home for later when the studies are over, be kind to them, they want to help. I would love to be able to give my Ds and Gf a flat. hard as it is to accept, they want the best for you all. you need to learn that its ok to accept help and to be loved. good luck, happy future.

TidyDancer Sat 29-Dec-12 15:24:52

OP, you sound really nice and looks like you're about the bring a baby into the world with a lovely man who comes from a lovely family. I suspect you are worrying about nothing here, but I completely understand why.

I come from a family who (with the exception of my late father) are fantastic but we didn't have much growing up. There were times when it was touch and go whether we could buy food (sometimes we really couldn't). DP on the other hand comes from a wealthy family who wouldn't know poverty if it jumped up and bit them. They are the kindest, sweetest and loveliest people you could wish to know and I have never had a reason to doubt their nature. But when they offered DP and I a significant figure towards our house (they gave us over £100k) I still balked at it, and unconsciously wondered why and what was in it for them. I felt like crap for thinking like that because they are good people who were just being caring and helping us, but my background taught me to be suspicious of people who offer something like that with no return expected.

I would certainly find out exactly what the terms of this offer are, OP, and like I said I understand entirely why accepting it is difficult for you, but try to see it from a neutral perspective if you can. It's overwhelmingly likely they are just kind and generous people.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! smile

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 17:01:46

"It's the op that has just met them."

Yeah, and she's known him for half a year. These are all people she doesn't really know yet.

So the fact that they know each other is of no consequence when deciding to make herself entirely subject to their caprice.

"the OP sounds like she has lots of sense and can judge whether her BF is trustworthy."

If she has lots of sense she'll know that it's too soon to make judgements about trustworthiness that involve putting herself in a weak position.

Even if these people mean well and are not remotely controlling or bossy (and that's a big if) their generosity is for their son. If the relationship breaks down, she will not be able to rely on their generosity.

This offer suits them. It suits him.

But there's precious little in it for a woman who can afford to pay her own rent and will soon be earning a good salary.

Flatbread Sat 29-Dec-12 17:21:28

OP, leaving aside the housing situation for a moment, have you and bf discussed a plan on how you will finish your PhD and the timeframe?

If I were your mum, that is the first thing I would ask you.

Lueji Sat 29-Dec-12 17:29:43

If the op can save part of her salary that would go to rent, it can only be good for her.
Even if she was kicked out.

Slaving away to support a student and pay rent is likely to be much worse.

But I agree in asking what are your plans for when the baby comes. It will be at a crucial time of your studies. You'll need a lot of support.

MotherOfTheBritishEmpire Sat 29-Dec-12 17:39:35

"But there's precious little in it for a woman who can afford to pay her own rent and will soon be earning a good salary."

There's the opportunity to save that money that would have gone on rent. To use that money towards a deposit for a property in her own name. To use it towards childcare while she finished her PHd and works towards that great salary.... In short, many freedoms or opportunities. And perhaps most of all the freedom frpm the financial difficulty of managing a household and new baby on one student salary. That could cause the downfall of either or both their studies, and create friction and stress in their relationship at a time which makes many couples vulnerable.

ArthurandGeorge Sat 29-Dec-12 17:51:55

I would take up the offer but ask for a tenancy agreement paying a nominal amount of rent.

It is horrible to have a baby and feel stressed about money. This can put strain on the best of relationships and make it harder to concentrate on your studies.
It is difficult to have a baby relatively early on in a relationship.
It is hard to study and look after a baby.

Take up this offer and ease one of the burdens on yourself.

Flatbread Sat 29-Dec-12 18:07:21

If I was OP's mum (as opposed to bf's mum), these are the hard questions I would be asking to protect my daughter

A. What is the plan for OP to finish her PhD and the timeframe?

B. Will OP be expected to make all the sacrifices in delaying her studies, or will bf take time out of his medical degree to support their child?

C. If bf is not willing to delay his studies, will his parents be willing to contribute for childcare?

D. Where will OP and BF live? Will they have equal claim/rights over their accommodation? If there is any dispute, will OP have sufficient protection?

E. If Pil offer accommodation over and above childcare, I would suggest going with Sleigh's recommendation of renting pil property out and using the money towards a neutral rental. That will be inconvenient to pil and bf, but provide greater protection to OP

ProphetOfDoom Sat 29-Dec-12 19:25:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sat 29-Dec-12 20:49:29

So after lot's of talking we went over to his parents house this eve to say thank you and accept their very generous offer. Thanks to all of you, it really helped looking at things from different angles. We will move into 'soon to be BF's flat' the beginning of next year before exams and between placements for me.

Re: education - I am doing a clinical doctorate, so not the same as PhD. It's a bit more like FY1 for medics I suppose, in that I am working across different psych services and am paid a proper salary. It also means I qualify for maternity leave and pay and it just means that I will need to complete any placements I miss after my cohort finish. BF will finish med school as planned, though will not be able to do his elective abroad.

I am nervous and excited about the prospect of having our own home. Also strange as today for the first time a random stranger asked me how far along I was, so I guess I actually look pregnant now. Makes it all more real.

ThreeWheelsGood Sat 29-Dec-12 21:02:24

that's great news, so lovely to hear the conclusion - all the best with everything OP!

Pooka Sat 29-Dec-12 21:11:28

Oh good! Glad the thread helped.

Icelollycraving Sat 29-Dec-12 21:12:31

Ah lovely news! Good luck with your pregnancy smile

Uppermid Sat 29-Dec-12 21:29:39

Yay! Good for you.

Remember good things happen to good people!

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Sat 29-Dec-12 21:34:37

Fab news, congrats!

Aboutlastnight Sat 29-Dec-12 21:48:51

good for you

enjoy your baby and your new life together

foreverondiet Sat 29-Dec-12 21:49:48

I disagree with the the pessimistic on this thread. Her bf sounds like a very selfless person, no reason to think he'll become selfish and and abusive... But best thing to do us to accept flat and safe the money saved on living rent free for future financial security. This will mean op is not left vulnerable in the event of the relationship breaking down....

buildingmycorestrength Sat 29-Dec-12 22:20:53

Good news! Hope it is smooth sailing in every sense.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 00:06:56

"Remember good things happen to good people!"


"Her bf sounds like a very selfless person, no reason to think he'll become selfish and and abusive..."


Is this what passes for thought in some parts of the Internet?


Good luck, OP. I hope you gamble works out for you and your baby.

pigletpower Sun 30-Dec-12 00:29:41

You've been together for 6 months and you've only just met his parents? Why so?

Uppermid Sun 30-Dec-12 08:23:29

Not everyone's a cynic

Lavenderhoney Sun 30-Dec-12 08:57:58

Congratulations on getting a decision made and all sorted outsmile good luck with you pregnancy and lovely new startsmile

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 09:14:35

Piglet - when at Uni I dated one bloke for 6 months and never met his parents (our dating didn't cover a summer so he only went home for a few weekends then a week in that time, I didn't go with him) then after we split up I started dating DH, again, we didn't meet each other's parents until 8 months later, at Christmas. but then DH didn't see his parents more than 3 times a year (although would go to stay for some time). It's not like dating someone normally where they probably live within an hour of their parents and see them regularly.

OP- it sounds like a good outcome - if you are working and getting maternity leave it will help that you don't have to try to study and be a new mum. I'm sure it means more to your DP to be with his child than an overseas placement. And by the sounds of it, you will both have good career prospects so if you wanted to work overseas and travel with your careers in the future, it'll be possible.

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 10:44:13

Glad you've got it sorted, OhThePlaces, hope you have a great future together.

EmmaBemma Sun 30-Dec-12 11:31:54

Great news, OhThePlaces. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

Good choice. Congrats on the pregnancy too!

Flatbread Sun 30-Dec-12 12:15:46

Best of luck, OP.

I would urge you to make sure bf gets life insurance, with you as the beneficiary and a will. You do need to take some steps to protect yourself and the baby.

countrykitten Sun 30-Dec-12 13:10:07

Be gracious and accept this lovely gift for your little family. I think it's a lovely thing for them to do and that you both would be nutty not to accept.

countrykitten Sun 30-Dec-12 13:11:48

sigh missed the posts again! Well done you. You have done the right thing.

Nancy66 Sun 30-Dec-12 13:20:06

Good luck OP and congrats on the baby.

From your posts if sounds like you had a very sad upbringing and never really knew how it felt to be part of a close, loving and supportive family.

Now you do. Enjoy it!!

ohfunnyFRANKENface Sun 30-Dec-12 13:22:28

great outcome, OP.

Keep looking forward to the excitement- it will be tough, but it's going to be exciting too.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 13:30:30

"I would urge you to make sure bf gets life insurance, with you as the beneficiary and a will. You do need to take some steps to protect yourself and the baby."

Worth saying twice.

Flatbread Sun 30-Dec-12 13:36:03

I will need to complete any placements I miss after my cohort finish. BF will finish med school as planned

I assume this means you will not get you PhD till you finish your placements?

Your graduation will be delayed (for how long?) while bf finishes in time.

I guess I am reading a different thread than others.

I see two people who are having a baby.

Boy gets a flat from his parents, finishes his studies on time.

I see a girl delaying her graduation, moving in her bf/ pil flat. Losing independence, rather than gaining it.

If anything boy should be immensely grateful to girl for making the sacrifices. Instead we are told he is 'selfless' and she should be so thankful about the situation

Nanny0gg Sun 30-Dec-12 17:36:38

Blimey Flatbread - your glass half-empty is it?

The OP is pregnant. no-one can help the fact that her PhD is delayed. However, it is going to be hugely helpful to both of them to not have to worry about accommodation whilst her DP finishes his studies and they both adjust to parenthood.
And I think the OP has sufficient confidence in her partner to trust that he will be fully supportive of her when she returns to her own studies/work.

And they both should be grateful to his parents, not just the OP. But then we don't know that he isn't!

Jojobells1986 Sun 30-Dec-12 17:57:51

Hi places! <waves> Do pop onto the antenatal thread sometimes - I've been wondering how you're getting on! I'm glad things are going so well for you now. smile

I totally understand the dilemmas created by having financially generous in-laws. My PIL bought DH a flat before we met to get him on the property ladder. It's always made me feel a little uncomfortable that we've now got a house that we could never have afforded without that. I don't quite know why I feel odd about it though - I'd do the same for my kids in a heartbeat if I could afford it! It does bother me that they often offer to lend us money if things are a little tight though. I'd like us to be able stand on our own four feet! I guess it is nice to have a safety net & know that they're always able to help if we were to get into financial difficulties!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Dec-12 18:13:10

Flatbread - the OP is only taking maternity leave. What do you propose that she do? Rush back to work and leave her baby - albeit with it's father?

This is what happens when you have a baby, there is a hiatus, unless you decide to take no maternity leave. She is not giving up her job or anything like that - so should the worst happen and the relationship break down then she still has her career path.

She could have chosen to have an abortion and them both complete their studies on time - would that be more palatable to you?

I do agree that the BF needs to have a decent sized life insurance policy, that would enable the OP to buy the PILs out of the flat if she chose to - unless ownership is to pass to the BF in which case his will needs to leave it to the OP entirely - and then the insurance policy is there for childcare, education and so on.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 30-Dec-12 19:33:03

Flatbread, as I get paid, I am entitled to maternity pay. BF is not. So if I went back to work straight after giving birth and BF stayed home, that would not necessarily make a lot of sense for us. Also I did not see this earlier 'I didn't want to bring up the issue of the bf, earlier. But my first thought on reading this thread was, did he not wear a condom? If he didn't, that is incredibly selfish and would get my antennae up a bit.' - Come on give BF a break. He is/was not the issue. We not only used condoms, but I was also on the pill. Big shock for everyone, trust me.

Re pigletpower: While we've been together for six months, I have known him for closer to nine and his brother for a couple of years. I did not meet his parents before now, because they both have very busy careers and it wasn't exactly a priority for either BF or I.

RillaBlythe Sun 30-Dec-12 19:40:03

I got pregnant with dd1 when I was doing an MA. DP had just started medical school. My parents let us live rent free in their flat till DP finished medical school. It sounds okay to me but I didn't read all 200 posts so no doubt I've missed something!

Wheredidmyyouthgo Sun 30-Dec-12 19:59:48

Really glad to read your update OP! Good choice.

SoldeInvierno Sun 30-Dec-12 20:02:25

Gifts don't always come with strings attached. DH and I certainly have received many from our respective parents, including large deposit for first flat, white goods, furniture and nowadays help with school fees. They like to help and they can afford it, so why not? They have never expected any thing in return and they certainly don't pop in unexpectedly or come on holidays with us. I hope I'll be able to do the same for my DS one day.

OP, just accept it graciously and enjoy it. They are doing what they think is best for their grandchild.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:10:43

flatbread - there's three options when you get pregnant during study time - 1) don't keep the baby (either abort or adopt) 2) keep the baby and study at the same time as trying to deal with a newborn/breast feeding or 3) delay studying while taking a maternity leave. As the OP gets paid maternity leave, it would be silly to try to cope with a newborn and study/work when she doesnt have too, and she doesn't want to get rid either way of the baby.

They are in a committed, albeit short relationship, she is in a secure job, he has a free flat for them to live in, she can cover the bills until he graduates and then he is pretty much garenteed to have a well paying secure job for the rest of his life, they are in a very good position for a young couple with a baby!

Flatbread Sun 30-Dec-12 20:20:06


If your bf was taking contraception, that's great. It is one indication that he acting responsibly. That is a good sign.

Are you planning to go back to your placements after maternity leave, and if so, have bf/you/his parents discussed childcare arrangements?

I know of very bright, talented friends who got pregnant, delayed their PhD because they supported their dh through law/medicine/Phd. Then when they could afford childcare, a second one came along. And/or they got posted abroad. And there was never a good time for her to finish her degree. And a good many of these marriages have not lasted, and while the men are at the peak of their careers, the women are doing very average jobs, with nowhere near the earning potential or career prospects they once had.

They could have managed having babies and a career, if they had prioritised their own careers (men do this all the time). And they could have protected themselves better financially. But very few women seem to think about this in the starry-eyed stage of a relationship.

Of course, there are many who make it. But while you hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Has bf talked about taking out insurance/a will to protect you and the baby? Especially since the flat is not in your name, and you will have no legal right to stay (I assume you guys haven't drawn up a legal contract, stating your rights, if any...?)

In this exciting stage of your life, I know you want you think in terms of a 'family unit' that will last for ever and ever. But it is key to keep your independence as well.

foreverondiet Sun 30-Dec-12 20:28:01

flatbread aside from the fact that the OP gets maternity pay and her bf wouldn't the facts are that its usually the mother who takes time off work after having a baby. Yes this often has the effects of delaying qualification and limiting career options... I don't see this changing any times soon even with the recent change in legislation to allow dads to take the maternity leave. Similarly its the woman alone who can decide whether the pregnancy continues. Can't see why you are being so obnoxious.

Flatbread Sun 30-Dec-12 20:29:37

she can cover the bills

Why? They should both contribute equally to the bills.

If the expectation is that OP should pay the bills in lieu of rent, what exactly is the freebie that OP is getting that she should be grateful for?

Flatbread Sun 30-Dec-12 20:35:53

Can't see why you are being so obnoxious

I was trying to be helpful, didn't think I was being obnoxious at all.

OP, I wish you all the best.

<backs out of thread>

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:46:44

Flatbread - erm, because they are going to be a family, one will be the main earner while the other is studying, if DH was studying and not working I would assume my wage would cover the bills rather than say i'm only paying half and he can get into debt covering his share. In fact, while I was on extended maternity leave and earning nothing we went from me paying 50% of the bills to none. OK, I was raising DS, but studying so that they can earn a good wage to ensure the long term security for the family is not being a cocklodger...

Plus he should have graduated by the time she is ready to go back to do her placements, so she'll be being paid for those plus they'll have his wage coming in - that's easily going to cover any childcare bills. (If I've got this right, he's in his 4th year now so will do his final year next year while the OP is off or at most they will only have a couple of months when he's still studying and she's back to work)

cantreachmytoes Sun 30-Dec-12 20:47:49

Just wanted to pass on my congratulations. I remembered your first post before you'd told BF and am very happy to hear that things are going well.
Congratulations and enjoy the life you have and ate building for yourself. You sound quite inspirational.

RillaBlythe Sun 30-Dec-12 20:58:05

I actually agree with Flatbread. I wasn't in quite the same position, but I can see how the OP could end up where I am - I have two kids, my partner is a doctor, & I haven't worked in nearly 5 years. It made sense for us to prioritise his degree because he had a guaranteed job at the end of it, & then it made sense for us to move for his foundation years because he had to do them, & next it will probably make sense for us to move for his specialist training... & then he wants to work overseas... hmm

Ephiny Sun 30-Dec-12 21:17:08

I agree with Flatbread too, it is always worth getting the legal paperwork sorted out when moving in together and starting a family, and while no one wants to think about worst-case scenarios, they can and do happen, so it's worth being prepared. And when things do go wrong, it is very often the woman who's left literally holding the baby and in a poorer position career-wise and financially.

A lot of those women would have told you beforehand that their partner was 'amazing' and that the scenario would 'never happen.' Love and trust are great, but no substitute for legal obligations. Which is why marriage is a legal framework as well as a declaration of love.

Obviously I hope it all works out well, and it probably will! But I don't think it's fair to call someone obnoxious for advising caution in a situation like this instead of just gushing congratulations and encouragement.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 30-Dec-12 22:05:09

Funnily enough I was thinking about this thread during the day and had life insurance and wills in mind and can see others were thinking the same.

In the event anything happened to bf after the baby is born, from my rusty recollection of intestacy rules in absence of a will, everything is split between parents and children so definitely worth discussing wills even if it seems morbid and awkward once baby is born. Life insurance is important to have too, for both of you. While you're young it won't cost much.

Just been on chocoreturn's blog and reminded that she was living in MIL and BF's place when married and after she discovered he was having an affair whilst she was pregnant with second child she had to move out so I think the caution on this thread is understandable.

Agree OP should be practical going forward to ensure she is protected in what will hopefully be unlikely situation and sounds like she is in a good position to support herself if things don't pan out.

Good to have a decent pad to start off married life but don't take anything for granted, always expect the unexpected and enjoy life in the meantime!

cheeseandpineapple Sun 30-Dec-12 22:06:33

Sorry not married life but family life.

Curious what name your child will have, just BF's or yours too or instead -but that's a whole other thread!

nilbyname Sun 30-Dec-12 22:37:41

Really pleased for you op

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 22:57:12

"*she can cover the bills*

Why? They should both contribute equally to the bills.

If the expectation is that OP should pay the bills in lieu of rent, what exactly is the freebie that OP is getting that she should be grateful for?"

I totally agree with Flatbread here (again).

Earlier she put the list of questions she would ask of her own daughter.

You could do worse for an online Mammy, OP. smile

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 30-Dec-12 23:00:48

RillaBlythe That does sound pretty similar. smile But I also have a guaranteed job at the end of my doctorate and have worked incredibly hard to get where I am. There is NO WAY, I will not go back to finishing and then working in my field as soon as reasonably possible. As an aside, even though I don't (at all) know her well, I am pretty sure his mum would lose it if I were to 'give up my career', given that she is pretty much at the top of her field and has three children.

Ephiny, just to stress that I did not call Flatbread obnoxious at any point and found her points very useful.

cheeseandpineapple, we were joking about the name thing as if we went for a mix of our names the poor baby would end up with a triple-barrelled surname which seems a bit mean.

Lavenderhoney Mon 31-Dec-12 02:54:22

If you are not married and have no plans to be then you your bf should see a lawyer with you to arrange who should get care of your child should anything happen to you or both of you. He or his parents are unlikely to get automatic custody, after all your parents may want that. You cannot second guess what would happen. You might nt be there.

The will should state how any assets are shared out should anything happen to you or your by or both how your child will inherit. Laws are different for illegitimate children. If you registered your baby, married and had another, and did not reregister the first, the second can challenge the will.

Also, if you are unmarried for years and you split up/ your partner dies, you will have no claim over property etc even cars in his name. Common law wife is not a legal status. Don't be an old lady with nothing and unable to work, and no legal status.

Really, it's better to marry ( awaits flaming) but you would still need a will.
I don't see why your baby should have his fathers name automatically. Its nt a right of fatherhood. You are not married and what's wrong with your name? You won't be having his name so why your baby?

Make a plan after maternity for your continued studies, dont assume how people will react and do what's best for you and your baby. You can change your mind about anything btw, study,volunteering, anything. After a baby your viewpoints and mindset might change. Its natural. You will only let yourself down if you continue with a path you don't want to just to please others or appear strong.

Still like the sound of your pil thoughsmile

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 31-Dec-12 08:47:30

"I am pretty sure his mum would lose it if I were to 'give up my career', given that she is pretty much at the top of her field and has three children."


That really does not follow.

You just met this woman.

I doubt she is remotely invested in whether you work or not.

sarahtigh Mon 31-Dec-12 09:26:37

you have to also think that if it were my DD or DS and I could buy give them flat, I would not be putting the new partner on the deeds in case relationship broke up and then then half my hard earned cash would go to someone else

most people if they buy a flat for DS /DD would have it in child's name and also get another flatmate to sign agreement whether for mortgage or not that they would move out if required without claiming on flat, this is pretty much standard practice

I would see GF initially as son's sub tenant and later if things went well then that is the time to put both on deeds or agreement

I think to take flat and share it is absolutely fine; asking to go on deeds would make OP look more like a gold-digger rather than accepting it is her BF flat,

very few people moving into a partners flat ( as opposed to getting place together) would expect to be put on tenancy/ deeds immediately but would expect trial period possibly keeping their place for a while to see how it went

if you are unmarried but he is named as father on birth certificate he has parental rights and birth would not need to be registered if you subsequently got married this has applied since 2001 before that it was different

the only disadvantage still to not being married is your child can not inherit titles etc if your parents were not married at birth ( marrying after would not alter this) so unless BF is heir to dukedom it will not matter too much

even if I had only just met my child's partner once and they were expecting child I would be interested in whether they worked etc

most people are decent and I suspect Bf's parents do care about their DS their GC and their possible future DIL

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 31-Dec-12 10:28:38

I'm sure they do care, as much as you can care about anyone you've met once.

But I think the advice that say "this is what it's like to be part of a living family" are way premature.

You don't become family overnight.

Finding out that your medical student son has knocked up his recent girlfriend is probably not the best news they've ever had.

Helping him out with a flat and keeping their fingers crossed it all works out well for him is sensible.

And being kind to the new pregnant girlfriend is part of that.

But there is no way they don't have worries and reservations.

Where your interests align with their son's, they will be right behind you.

When they don't (and they won't always) they will not be on your side.

If you are going to live in their flat, on their goodwill, at least be aware of that.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 31-Dec-12 10:29:41

I'm sure they do care, as much as you can care about anyone you've met once.

But I think the advice that say "this is what it's like to be part of a living family" are way premature.

You don't become family overnight.

Finding out that your medical student son has knocked up his recent girlfriend is probably not the best news they've ever had.

Helping him out with a flat and keeping their fingers crossed it all works out well for him is sensible.

And being kind to the new pregnant girlfriend is part of that.

But there is no way they don't have worries and reservations.

Where your interests align with their son's, they will be right behind you.

When they don't (and they won't always) they will not be on your side.

If you are going to live in their flat, on their goodwill, at least be aware of that.

BartletForTeamGB Mon 31-Dec-12 12:42:02

"The will should state how any assets are shared out should anything happen to you or your by or both how your child will inherit. Laws are different for illegitimate children. If you registered your baby, married and had another, and did not reregister the first, the second can challenge the will."

This is wrong. 'Illegitimate' and 'legitimate' children have the same rights now, although it wasn't always the case. Any child not sufficiently provided for in a will can contest it and if the will says all children will inherit, than all children will.

However, the rights of unmarried partners are very, very limited. I think there is a lot of scaremongering going on throughout this thread, but I'd really, really encourage you to get life insurance & wills, including guardians, sorted. This goes for both parties in any unmarried family to protect you both.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Mon 31-Dec-12 18:07:38

sarahtigh haha no BF is not a duke or anything of the like. His dad has an MBE, but that's not quite the same thing. :D

SleighbellsRingInYourLife, agreed.

Have spoken to BF re: wills, etc and we will look into this shortly.

sarahtigh Mon 31-Dec-12 18:07:40

yes illegimate children do have the same rights now, except as regards inheritance of titles etc, also some farms/ estates will have something called an entail which protects the land for the blood family for themselves, so it would not be sold or split up, so generally eldest son inherits it all

so technically if Kate had a child with Prince William before they married he/she would not be heir to the throne, to be heir they would have to marry before the birth not after

Take it, be grateful and suitably thankful without grovelling. If it were me
I would consider putting all or part of what you were expecting to pay in rent into a savings account so that you have a cushion should you need it.

forehead Mon 31-Dec-12 20:25:14

My advice is simple. Don't be tempted to give up work and save as much money as you can.
I know many women who have married a 'kind, generous man' and have been left in the lurch when the 'kind, generous man' abandoned them. Just protect yourself.
Sleigh and Flatbread are not being pessimistic, they are being realistic.

Lavenderhoney Tue 01-Jan-13 04:50:53

That law must have been put in place quite recently about illegitimate children? My cousin had a baby just before she married in 2007 and they told her to make sure she re registered after the marriage, due to potiential problems with inheritance and the child was issued with new paperwork.

Thanks for telling mesmile I don't want to say things and get it wrong.

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