AIB ungrateful?

(176 Posts)
Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 19:49:52

I would never have thought I would be posting this, I am easy to please!

Me and DP have been together for 3 years, we have had a really crap year together. We relocated for his new (well paid) job and I have struggled to find one. I got a christmas job in retail and worked my butt off to be able to afford presents for him. He wasn't short of expensive suggestions for himself and I got him some really lovely presents. I spent about £100 overall from my wages- which has been a lot for me. I havn't bought anything for myself for a good 6 months- even crippled myself in heels for work as I couldn't afford flat shoes.

He is working today so I am at my parents. I have opened his presents:
-2 bottles of mulled cider
-a box of tea
-a single electric blanket

I am 23 not 83. We live in a mild area of the country, I just dont NEED one. I also know his mother paid for it as he said "he couldnt afford all of it by himself" (that got my hopes up it was a nice treat for me!!

He wrapped it up click and collect packaging and all. Hadnt even bothered to open it to make sure it was the right thing. Price was left on, £39.95. A couple of months ago he thought nothing of buying a £300 leather jacket for himself.

AIBU to just have wanted something pretty and nice for myself?

BillyBollyBrandy Tue 25-Dec-12 19:53:53

In light of his "expensive" suggestions that is shit. What did you get him?

Tell him you want to return the single electric blanket, couldn't he have splashed out on a double!

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Dec-12 19:54:44

My daughter is 23 and I'd be having a quiet word with her, not only about the crap presents but about relocating when there's no chance of a good job for yourself and then again about being in a relationship where the man has money and the woman doesn't have a pair of shoes.

You do realise the world is full of lovely, lovely men, don't you? I have a son who's 20 and he would NEVER treat a girl like that. (He's single too, so let me know if you're interested!!)

whois Tue 25-Dec-12 19:54:45

Did you give him any suggestions?

SayMama Tue 25-Dec-12 19:59:24

not only about the crap presents but about relocating when there's no chance of a good job for yourself and then again about being in a relationship where the man has money and the woman doesn't have a pair of shoes.

^^ This

notnowImreading Tue 25-Dec-12 20:01:04

That really does sound rubbish. However, electric blankets are marvellous and you will come to love it.

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 20:02:24

Billy-He became obsessed with an expensive wool throw. To the point that he got stroppy when I pretended I hadn't got it (as you do at christmas), he threatened to go down there and buy it for himself. I thought it was hideous and a waste of money, but I coughed up more for it that his presents to me all together. He also guilt tripped me into doing him a stocking, which I filled with lovely thoughtful things.

It just says something to me that he couldn't think of anything to get his young girlfriend, surely I'm supposed to be getting sexy underwear or something!! Primark would've been fine.

MagicHouse Tue 25-Dec-12 20:03:47

Rubbish presents - very thoughtless. Red flags here (with the spending on himself) I would think hard about whether you want to stay with a man like this.

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Dec-12 20:11:36

Now you can add poor taste to the other red flags that are hurtling around! Think of the hideous throw - can you imagine buying a house together and choosing furnishings?

BillyBollyBrandy Tue 25-Dec-12 20:13:36

I agree with magic

Doesn't sound good to me

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake Tue 25-Dec-12 20:15:22

He sounds like a selfish, spoilt brat.

What will you do?

Splatt34 Tue 25-Dec-12 20:16:29

If he's working today is there a chance there may be more gifts which he wants to be there when you open?

Earlybird Tue 25-Dec-12 20:17:01

Oh no, no, no.

Agree with others. Big Red flags. Pay attention to them. Do not ignore or justify.

Do not waste more time or energy. Move on. Immediately.

Onezerozero Tue 25-Dec-12 20:17:26

Hmm, could he have kept some presents back to give you in person?

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 20:20:49

Ducks- I've sent him a message thanking him but saying "I can't believe you couldn't think of anything more exciting for a young girlfriend than an electric blanket. I'm 23 not 83".

God, I know I sound so horrible right now. In previous years he has got me beautiful (not expensive) jewellery and lovely clothes. This just adds to the feeling I've had for a while that he just doesn't give a crap about me...

I have felt so rough for the past couple of days, I've slept most of today. I'm already feeling sorry for myself and this has made it worse.

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 20:21:35

Definitely nothing at home!

Pozzled Tue 25-Dec-12 20:22:05

You say he is working- any chance that your 'real' present is something that you can open together later, not something to open with your parents?

If not, then I would be pretty annoyed, some people aren't great at buying presents but he is showing real double standards if he wants his expensive gifts from you.

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Dec-12 20:26:04

I'm sorry, but some people here resemble Pollyanna! Of course there isn't anything else for the OP! He's given her his (crap) presents; it's obvious there's nothing else.

OP, 2013 is a new year. Why not make it the year you get away from this man?

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown Tue 25-Dec-12 20:28:03

As you put effort into selecting lovely thoughtful gifts for a stocking for him, any of those you can subtly reclaim as time goes on? He can keep yucky throw all to himself. It does sound one-sided. The trouble is some people are good at getting what they like in life and making you feel honoured and special for giving.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 25-Dec-12 20:32:07

Dump him. Before the New Year.

catgirl1976geesealaying Tue 25-Dec-12 20:32:47

YANBU-Greatful

I am really laid back and easy to please but WTAF?

Sorry but I'm just shock at the lack of thought and him getting you a joint present (shite) from his DM

He should be keeping you warm at night, not a sodding electric blanket

My very first LTB

hugoagogo Tue 25-Dec-12 20:35:04

How old is dp?

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 20:39:06

Hugo- 10 years older, but I'm mature and he seems younger.

His mother even ordered it to our local Waitrose for him to pick up. She had to nag him to get that as he forgot. So his grand sum of effort for me for christmas was buying a box of tea and bottles of cider. I feel so loved.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 25-Dec-12 20:45:33

What.the.fuck?!

No you are not being unreasonable. You are not being ungrateful either.

He is a thoughtless,selfish,self centred, dickhead mummy's boy.

I would be crushed if my DP did that. though he came close the year he bought me a clothes rail as a birthday present amongst other more normal presents

hugoagogo Tue 25-Dec-12 20:47:02

Not surprised-Older man who acts younger, it's a bit of a cliche.

Sorry to say, you need to start taking care of yourself find a job that you like, where you like to live and get on with your life with or without him, but on your own terms.

Try and enjoy the rest of christmas.

flaggybannel Tue 25-Dec-12 20:47:39

Yanbu.
This has reminded me of a few years ago when i was still in love with my exp. 6 years together, he earned at least double what i did yet ate my food and stayed at my place year round even though i am a struggling sp on part-time minimum wage, there were lots of red flags i chose to ignore but i think i started to wise up when one christmas day he presented me with-
a bag of jelly fizzy fish.
Admittedly, they are were my favorite sweets but i think him making a song and dance about disappearing to fish out a piece of my ds discarded wrapping paper out of the bin to put them in really started to open my eyes.
His family didnt bother asking me later that day what he had give me for christmas, which was odd, as they usually would and i was looking forward to showing him up around thier festive dinner table- turns out they knew he was playing away and this was apparently his way of letting me know he felt nothing for me anymore. Silly me. Didnt mind rubbing in my face all the lovely things he had treated them to though. Wanker. And wanker family too.

Did he reply to yr text?

Leverette Tue 25-Dec-12 21:01:22

LTB. Find someone who does deserve your thought, care and hard work.

FredFredGeorge Tue 25-Dec-12 21:15:04

Do you know if he really couldn't afford it or not?

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 21:25:09

No response yet!

Fred- If he couldn't afford it, it's because he is bad with his money not because he doesn't have it.

I can't even lool at the sodding thing. He usually keeps me warm at night, what is he suggesting?

BodyOfEeyore Tue 25-Dec-12 21:30:21

Crap selection of gifts.

Leave him!

He's selfish and clearly doesn't think much of you. You can do so much better!

FredFredGeorge Tue 25-Dec-12 21:37:25

A single electric blanket is extremely crap and weird present for a couple who live together - you're young though, shouldn't be hard to find someone better if he has no other redeeming features...

Go and find yourself a nice young man (I sound like my mother now grin ) who will appreciate you and buy you sexy undies from primark but who cares and be all over you and treat you well. Leave ThrowBoy to his mummy to sort out!
Move back where you were before, or anywhere else you please, and find a job and never look back other than to laugh at this man-boy and be pleased you got out while the going was good and take the throw and the electric blanket with you!

SavoyCabbage Tue 25-Dec-12 21:45:34

You should go 'home' op before you end up stuck with this fool forever.

Even if you don't want to break up with him (which you should if you want to be treated nicely) go home and live your life.

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Dec-12 21:46:20

His mum will think he's a twat, too, you know. I'd be ashamed of my son if he couldn't buy his girlfriend a decent present when he was spending money on himself.

butterfingerz Tue 25-Dec-12 21:52:36

It is in no way appropriate for a girl of your age to be receiving an electric blanket, what was he thinking? Be as ungrateful as you like, go wild!

Please, have you still got the receipt for the throw? Retrieve it, return it and buy yourself something nice. And trade your pathetic excuse for bf in for a newer improved model.

Jux Tue 25-Dec-12 22:15:42

When he returns, take the expensive blanket and return to shop for refund. At the same time, give all tthe shit he gave you to him to return for a refund. Then you each spend on yourselves. Maybe next time he'll think it worth spending more.

SavoyCabbage Tue 25-Dec-12 22:17:47

Good idea Jax.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake Tue 25-Dec-12 22:20:43

Any reply?

Speedos Tue 25-Dec-12 22:24:10

FFS some men are pricks! Sorry he does not sound like a keeper, lucky you are only 23, you have years to find someone better, think I was still clubbing and travelling the world that age.

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 22:31:16

Well as he gave it to me still in the click and collect packaging, I have the delivery receipt. My mum lives in a town with a John Lewis so I will be getting gift receipts in exchange and buying myself a handbag.

Have heard from him. According to him it took a long time to sort out- because click and collect where your mother puts in all the details is so taxing!

missrlr Tue 25-Dec-12 22:32:36

It's crap

Go home to a friends house, in fact anywhere but with him tonight and say goodbye with all your stuff, presents you bought for him included tomorrow pronto. Return to shop, use the money for something more interesting and productive like a deposit on a new house

Hydrophilic Tue 25-Dec-12 22:38:17

I'm at my mums 5 hours drive away missrlr, luckily!

StuntGirl Tue 25-Dec-12 22:41:39

Anyone who hands out expensive Christmas lists gets on my goat, especially when the person they're giving the list to is financially worse off.

cees Tue 25-Dec-12 22:42:25

YANBU

Your boyfriend is a dick, what a thoughtless load of shit he bought you. A box of tea seriously what the feck was he thinking.

MyLittleAprilSunshine Tue 25-Dec-12 22:43:30

What a selfish SOAB.

I am 22 and would be sad if my partner put such little effort and care into my gifts. He might get me an electric blanket if I asked for one and he might even get me tea as a smaller, quirkier present but he's much more likely to buy me perfume, a new music player or something similar.

I wouldn't put up with it. If you had kids, he'd be thinking of himself no doubt. If you got married, it would be all about him. It's a sign of how much your happiness means to him.

If he was that broke he could've done something very customised and made it from the heart and at very least picked, ordered and collected it himself. Wouldn't surprise me if his Mum selected the presents for him.

Fairylea Tue 25-Dec-12 22:45:11

For me if I was relocating with someone and they had a well paid job and we were partners then I would expect a joint account or at the very least for money to be equal - so the same amount of spending money regardless of who earns more.

But maybe that's just me.

The rest would be all downhill from there!

LemonBreeland Tue 25-Dec-12 22:48:51

That is seriously shit present giving. I would be devestated to get that at your age.

It really is the most bizarre gift for any partner anyway. I'd be telling him you are getting your own single bed to put it on.

Take the blanket back (ahve you got the reseipt?), and buy yourself some lovely shoes.

Oh, and leave the bastard.

No YANBU.

Those sound like presents his mother bought. It's not about the cost, it's about the thought. Getting you something he may have heard you saying you really liked earlier in the year etc

If this is just a Blip and he's usually caring and thoughtful then spend far less next year - if it isn't i'd be thinking after just three years it's pretty crap actually.

MummytoKatie Tue 25-Dec-12 23:06:34

When I was 19 my boyfriend bought me a very unsexy present. It wasn't tight - just unsexy. Two months later I finished with him. Two days blush after that I started going out with someone new. Within 18 months we were married. We have now been married for over a decade, have a toddler and a bump. We are happy.

There is better out there for you.

Hydrophilic Wed 26-Dec-12 13:19:58

Am going to take the blanket back and buy a handbag or something today. he's told his mother I don't like the present, so that's going to be awkward next time I meet her.

He said "it was quite expensive" which is rich considering when telling me about the throw pre-christmas he used the phrase "only £35!". They were the same price.

I can't believe he would ask his girlfriend, who has been unemployed for 3 months and not able to claim JSA, for something the same price as a gift he has to split with his mother.... And he practically begged for a stocking again too, I asked him how much he thinks even little things to fill a stocking add up to!

He is genuinely shocked. He can't understand why I would have preferred something to wear. He says he usually buys me jewellerey or clothes that I wear once, but he used to buy me lovely dresses and bits I save for special occassions.

ZebraInHiding Wed 26-Dec-12 13:23:25

sad yanbu

Madlizzy Wed 26-Dec-12 13:37:06

You don't need to see his mother again cos he needs the elbow quick smart. You can do far better than this. xxx

susanann Wed 26-Dec-12 13:43:22

yeah I agree with all the above. Very thoughtless. I would be fuming. Seems like youre doing all the giving (in both senses of the word) in this relationship! You deserve so much better. What does your mum think?

RooneyMara Wed 26-Dec-12 13:47:24

He's a twat. I think you would be happier without him.

He is a mummy's boy with huge issues, from what yuo have described.

I'm so sorry.

HollaAtMeSanta Wed 26-Dec-12 13:48:30

YANBU and he is an arse.

In 10 years time, you will not be with this man, and you will look back and laugh at your 23-year-old foolishness! Bin him and get on with your life.

snowtunesgirl Wed 26-Dec-12 13:49:24

I agree with everyone else. You've given up far too much for far too little.

SugaricePlumFairy Wed 26-Dec-12 13:54:25

What an arse he is and so selfish.

Give serious thought to how he perceives you, the gifts are an odd choice for a girlfriend.

Hydrophilic Wed 26-Dec-12 13:56:37

Susanann- My mum doesn't know how bad our relationship has been for a good 6 months. So all she can see is a practical present. I can see the difference from how I have been treated in previous years. And I see the v.expensive bike, the expensive gym membership, expensive clothes and in the past few weeks the large amount of sports kit he has bought.

susanann Wed 26-Dec-12 14:22:12

maybe you should tell her?

LineRunner Wed 26-Dec-12 14:34:41

My dad is 83 and I got him more exciting presents than that.

CailinDana Wed 26-Dec-12 16:12:13

Why are you suffering with inappropriate shoes when he has an expensive bike etc? In a relationship you should help each other out - he should have bought you a pair of suitable shoes long before now.

Jux Wed 26-Dec-12 17:07:30

The best Xmas present you can give yourself is a life without the twat. Dump him. Seriously. You can do much, much better.

Hydrophilic Wed 26-Dec-12 17:57:08

I have just spilled my heart out to my mum about what is going on. She was shocked but now understands why I was so upset to open the blanket.

She had said she will help in whatever way I need it. I have told her I am planning a slow, calculated retreat.

Madlizzy Wed 26-Dec-12 18:01:24

Good on you. Good luck x

TurnipCake Wed 26-Dec-12 18:02:29

Good for you OP, best gift you could give yourself and glad to hear your mum is being supportive

CwtchesAndCuddles Wed 26-Dec-12 19:50:03

Keep the blanket and LTB.

Fast................

ZebraInHiding Wed 26-Dec-12 20:04:20

Glad to hear you have told your mum.

Adversecalendar Wed 26-Dec-12 20:57:23

My ex was mean with money but loved to spoil himself, your BF is vile. Glad you have confided in your Mum.

Jux Wed 26-Dec-12 22:08:56

Well done, Hydro. Believe us, you'll meet someone who loves you, and you'll look back with your mouth agape.

Good on your mum, too. Happy Christmas!

catsmother Wed 26-Dec-12 23:46:54

Awww, that's so horrid and thoughtless. There's no rhyme or reason to it ... it's not as if you suffer from the cold, nor is it equivalent to you saying, for example, that you'd like a coat, and him getting you a coat - which would at least show he'd listened - even if it wasn't a style you liked or something. Quite clearly he couldn't be bothered - the blanket (plus the very weird tea and cider - which his mum probably had knocking about at the back of her cupboard) was a "that'll do" thing - and he got his bloody mum to buy it - both literally, as in sharing the cost, and practically, because she did all the ever so "hard work" of ordering it online!

There's no way any thought went into that sorry to say.

And all of that would be bad enough but the spoilt entitled bastard more or less insisted (e.g. he had a near strop when he thought he wasn't going to get what he wanted poor diddums) that you buy him exactly what he demanded regardless of your financial situation. He clearly thinks he's far far more important than you ..... so much so that he, with a good steady income can't be arsed for you, yet you, with hardly any money is expected to spend far more on him. That's truly disgusting and insensitive - nasty in fact.

You're only 23 - you don't want or need to waste any more time on this specimen of arrogance.

Hydrophilic Fri 28-Dec-12 19:46:18

I've just got home. He's bought new curtains for the living room from laura ashley.There are blinds up already and the window is huge, I've always put my foot down because we can't afford them and I don't see the point of buying curtains unless necessary in a rented house. I could weep right now. What happened to him "having no money"?.

We have spoken on the phone whilst I am away and I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't want this for my future. He is trying to manipulate me and saying things will get better. They won't.

hugoagogo Fri 28-Dec-12 19:49:57

You're right they won't.

Are you there to get your things?

Hydrophilic Fri 28-Dec-12 19:56:05

It's about to get very complicated Hugo. I have a new job here to start after xmas. I am not in a position to be turning down jobs so will start. Neither of us could afford to live on our own so one of us will move into the spare room.

I will be working Mon-Sat and he has put down for any spare shifts on top of his normal long hours. Hopefully we won't see each other too much.

I have interviews to go back to uni in September so, if all goes to plan, I will be moving out then. I just need to save like crazy.

hugoagogo Fri 28-Dec-12 20:39:41

That sounds really stressful, you sound really strong, but if I was you I would start looking for a flatshare.

Great news on the new job. grin

pinkyredrose Fri 28-Dec-12 20:53:00

Well done OP you sound like you've turned a corner.

Jux Sat 29-Dec-12 11:36:24

Try to think of yourself as single now. This will help you find somewhere else to live.

Twatface will cheat financially one way or another, it may be bills, it may be rent or food, but he will find a way to ensure that he pays less for living there and you pay more. If you find a flatshare or houseshare with someone else you are more likely to live on a financially equitable basis, therefore more likely to save more for September, and more likely to enjoy your time both before then and after.

Please move out asap.

Hydrophilic Sat 29-Dec-12 19:45:22

Jux- Thanks for the advice. I've had a bolt of reality today. I have spent the past 2 evenings alone and have been informed that DP will be driving to where he grew up 2 hours away. Oh and the mutual friends we have whose house we were going to on NYE are going to one of their (and DPs) colleagues party for NYE instead.

I know no one here. I have no friends left who I can talk to. All I have is my mum 5 hours away, who will worry too much about me. She is going through health and job issues at the moment so I don't want her to worry about me.

Bless you, it may look bleak now, but you will be amazed how happy you are when you get on your feet, what a total twat, bollocks to him, and new year, raise a glass to yourself and your much brighter future smile

flow4 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:09:07

Oh Hydro that sounds rubbish. You really do need to get out asap. And make some new friends. And Alien is right: you will feel much happier again when you so. smile

This is a really long shot, and is going to sound a bit mad if my guess is totally wrong, but... I'm wondering whether your nickname means you're a swimmer? If so, this group might help you find some bonkers lovely people (all over the country) and cake something to do that is free/cheap and fun! grin

https://www.facebook.com/groups/outdoorswimmingsociety/

truandrakni Sat 29-Dec-12 20:35:56

Is this a one off? Have birthdays and other Christmas been as bad? If so, it's down hill all the way

Kalisi Sat 29-Dec-12 20:54:38

Op I really feel for you and think you deserve a big clap on the back for your reaction. However Please,please, please reconsider your options. Moving in with him but living seperately will NOT be a good decision for you no matter how practical it may seem.
This is not just about a crap thoughtless Christmas present, there is a control issue here and at the heart of it is a very selfish and manipulative man who ,although you seem to have opened your eyes a little to, still seems to have convinced you that you need him and makes it seem like you have no choice but to keep him in your life.
Just tread carefully.

Jux Sat 29-Dec-12 22:45:25

That is horrid, isn't it? But it is only one NYE, and you will see many more. No comfort, I know.

When you start work, you will almost certainly get a better social life.

Are you in a city, village, small town? You don't have to stay in the exact area you're in now. You can move somewhere that is still close to work, but is new and different with other people about.

You don't need to know anyone to flatshare. You just need to look at adverts in local papers, gumtree, etc. sharing with a stranger(s) could be just what you need right now.

CoolaYuleA Sat 29-Dec-12 23:29:44

Well done for making the decision, could you start looking for a job in your home town? I appreciate that you can't turn jobs down, but that doesn't mean you can't leave one soon after starting if you find one near your Mum.

As for him not being able to afford to live there on his own.... Not your problem. He chose to move for work, without real thought for you, maybe he'd be better able to afford it if he didn't buy Laura Ashley curtains. He's selfish, so you can be too.

upstart68 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:49:58

Hydro - i've seen a few threads in the past couple of days where I thought people were unreasonable (i'd have liked some gold but he bought me a jumper) but tbh I think he's a dead loss. sorry. you deserve better.

I went out with someone for a while and I thought it was going somewhere - we seemed to get on and have a good time - then it came to valentines day. He bought me this kind of jokey card that was in hindsight just horrible. I walked out the next day. He was never going to love me the way I loved him - or would have loved him.

I then met the most gorgeous, lovely man I've ever met. I married him and we have a beautiful dd. i won't say we've not had any problems in life. we have. but I still look at him 17 years later and he is still the nicest man I ever met. He and my dd bought me a necklace this xmas. it wasn't expensive but it's lovely and it means so much to me that they went out together and he let her choose the one she thought was prettiest. it's not gold, it's not valuable but it's exactly right for me in terms of style.

There is something very much better out there for you is what I'm trying to say. Be brave and take the plunge.

HildaOgden Sun 30-Dec-12 00:04:33

Get a refund for his gifts,spend the money on a decent pair of comfortable shoes and use them to walk away from him as quickly as possible.

Do not stay with him until September.Rent a room somewhere,enter a houseshare with someone....do not stay living with him.

ShellyBoobs Sun 30-Dec-12 01:00:00

Things will be much better in the future, OP.

You're doing the right thing in making plans for a new life without your 'DP'. Before you know it, you'll have some new friends and a more positive outlook. You sound really lovely; generous and caring (especially about your mum).

I'm a little surprised he's seemingly so short of money though in that you say neither of you could afford to live alone, given that the move you both made was due to his 'well paid' new job.

Do you think perhaps he was using you to help pay for his choice of where to live rather than the new job being the main reason for moving?

Hydrophilic Mon 31-Dec-12 08:25:41

Well, things have got nasty. We have some lovely paintings I bought from the artist. He had always wanted a painting by the artist and promised to pay me back. Except he didn't and I paid for them all.

He is now arguing that I wouldn't have known they existed without him (maybe...so what?) and that because I havn't paid rent the past couple of months these paintings belong to him hmm. This is the man who told me, if I couldn't get a job, that he'd look after me and pay for the flat.

His mother was only concerned about the paintings, and he's turned all of our once mutual friends against me over the past week by only telling them his side of the story.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Mon 31-Dec-12 09:09:19

You cannot stay with this man. Screw your new job - if you got this job, you can get another.

Can you move in with your mum?

Seriously - the stress of a new job and Himself punishing you for dumping him will be unbearable. Don't put yourself through that.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Mon 31-Dec-12 09:10:07

Oh and take the paintings away NOW!

Montybojangles Mon 31-Dec-12 10:08:34

If he's away tonight then pack all your stuff (including the paintings you paid for, you can always leave him the electric blanket as a consolation prize if you feel generous) and go.
He is just going to wear you down otherwise and you will end up leaving with nothing at all and no self esteem. Go to your mums today and then find a room to rent locally if you really want to start your new job.
Good luck, you deserve better than this .

gettingeasier Mon 31-Dec-12 10:42:52

Did you post a while ago and moving to a new area with him and him being on your case about not working ?

Anyway pack and go taking the paintings et al. Go to your Mums and start looking for a job back there.

You are only 23 smile and this will soon be a blip

manicbmc Mon 31-Dec-12 10:50:07

Think of this as a lucky escape. At least you're not just putting up with it and then get pregnant.

Definitely look into a flat share and get away as soon as you can.

hydro, hoping by now, you and your paintings (cheeky swine) are at your Mums, you can't go on like this, it's death by a thousand cuts, cut your losses and go home.

Jux Mon 31-Dec-12 11:17:13

Please, please pack up your stuff and get out of there. Please.

Osmiornica Mon 31-Dec-12 11:32:45

You need to get out of there. Don't stay there until September - it'll chip away at your confidence and sanity.

TheWheelies Mon 31-Dec-12 11:41:36

Please please leave. With the paintings too. Just get out.

snowtunesgirl Mon 31-Dec-12 11:47:16

Leave. Now.

ImperialSantaKnickers Mon 31-Dec-12 11:52:14

Hire a van now, and get back to your mum's, with the paintings, and anything else that's yours. You can sort out the job stuff later. Your mum will worry about you anyway whether you like it or not, and if you're nearer her you'll be able to support her better.

Hydrophilic Mon 31-Dec-12 11:56:40

I can't believe he thinks he can start taking my possessions because I wasn't able to pay any rent for a couple of months. How fucked up is that? The deal was that he would support me until I found a job.

I don't get his argument either about me not having known about the artist until I met him? How could he possibly know that.... You can't just all of a sudden decide you want something after two years of ne owning it.

I need to get a bigger car to borrow so will speak to my mum, mine is too small to fit everything in and if I took his precious paintings he would seek revenge.

He's also come home from the christmas sales with a £100 ("only" according to him!) pair of curtains. What happened to having no money?

harrietlichman Mon 31-Dec-12 11:56:54

Defnately go - it sounds like a nightmare situation with no redeeming features whatsoever - you can get another job, this time will pass and you'll look back and thank God you got away from this mess...take your stuff and go to your mum's - wise mumsnetters are all giving you the same advice!

or you could hire a van, for about £40 for a day, put the lot in, it's gone sour sweet heart, and it's no holds barred, so don't look for any logic in his reasoning, he wants to take anything he can (selfish fucking twat) he's not bothered about fair, so don't you be. What sort of revenge? They are not his paintings, possesion is 9/10 of the law,do you think the pokice will care that he told you about the artist hmm
get out now, and take what's yours.

Cutiecat Mon 31-Dec-12 12:13:34

This is not going to end well. You need to go home to your mum. A van is a good idea but if you can't do that then just pack up what you really need. It would be good to take the painting for a piece of mind but really when it boils down to it you are best just getting yourself out of their ASAP.

Cutiecat Mon 31-Dec-12 12:16:35

'A piece of mind' is what my 6 year old says. I meant 'peace of mind' obviously.

ImperialSantaKnickers Mon 31-Dec-12 12:23:33

I think I'd be happier to hear that you're on your way home by now. How big are the paintings/other biggish stuff? Could you DHL them to your mums and drive off with the rest? Or get them into one of those self store units, like Big Yellow, together with the rest of your kit?

nightowlmostly Mon 31-Dec-12 12:36:59

So sorry to hear you're going through all this shit at this time of year OP. I am echoing what other posters have said, get out while he's away, it sounds like he will turn even nastier. You simply can't stay there any longer.

When will he return from his NYE jollies? Maybe think about packing up all your most important things today and going to your mum's. Leave whatever you don't really want to keep, I know it's crap, but there's a good chance you'll be able to get it later. Or go back tomorrow and pick up the rest?

Good luck with it all, you'll look back one day and be so proud of yourself that you didn't put up with his crap.

northlight Mon 31-Dec-12 13:34:44

He's very into interior decoration, isn't he - curtains, throw, paintings. Almost like nesting behaviour except that its all for him, him, him.

Get out. You have your future planned and very soon he will just be that terrible mistake you made in your early twenties. There is better life for you out there.

northlight Mon 31-Dec-12 13:37:09

a better life

LemonBreeland Mon 31-Dec-12 13:45:20

You need to get you and all of your posessions out of there. Move bakc with your Mum, you will get another job. You really can't stay until September.

ImperialSantaKnickers Mon 31-Dec-12 13:55:15

I'm hoping the reason you've not been back is that you're driving home now. Will check in later for an update. unmnetty hugz.

nickelbabylyinginamanger Mon 31-Dec-12 14:14:03

take what you can while he's out. the paintings and anything essential. leave what "doesn't matter for now".

if you told your mum to come now can you get everything in her car and yours together and get away tonight?
you don't need your new job if you move back with your mum and you can look for another one where she lives. plus you'll be able to get jsa when you live with your mum.

ZenNudist Mon 31-Dec-12 14:22:43

I think make a point of spiriting the paintings away. Just hire a rental van. Get your stuff and leave ASAP. Leave while you have the element of surprise. Credit card it if need be, you can sell the paintings to pay the bill. If you are worried about retaliation get away from him.

babybarrister Mon 31-Dec-12 14:47:46

The paintings are yours. If he wants to pursue you for the rent then he can but he has no right just to take what he likes of yours - otherwise you could leave him some used undies and loo paper as part payment grin
I think you can see clearly now that you have made the right decision - you are so young, just think of this as a learning experience not to be repeated ....smile

Jux Mon 31-Dec-12 17:58:45

As far as I know, the only people who can legitimately take goods in place of sums owed are bailiffs, and the dispute has to have gone through the courts first.

The paintings are yours. Take them. Get your mum down asap, or hire something, or freight them. Then get out. But get out.

SugaricePlumFairy Mon 31-Dec-12 18:08:41

I echo what the others all say.

Get the paintings and leave, he is going to become even more unbearable with each day.

Stay strong and remember your self worth and what life would be like if you stayed any longer with this no-mark of a man.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Mon 31-Dec-12 18:31:18

You poor love sad

Take the fucking paintings, first of all. They are not his in lieu of rent. That's not how it works! I cannot agree strongly enough with other posters saying you should leave now. This is how nasty he's gotten in a few days, how much worse could he get over the space of weeks or months? At the best he sounds like a thoughtless dick, at worst a manipulative user.

Start the new year well shot of him and patting yourself on the back for having the cajones to run a mile.

ImperialSantaKnickers Mon 31-Dec-12 20:29:10

Hydro you ok?

ImperialBlether Mon 31-Dec-12 20:38:33

Where are you, OP and where is your mum? I want to start a chain of Mumsnetters who can take you from your house to your mum's house.

Give us something to plan for tomorrow!

MikeOxardInTheSnow Mon 31-Dec-12 20:48:34

Good idea Imperial. Several good ideas on this thread in fact. How handsome did you say your son was, again? ;)

can you not just get a job, any job and live with your mum until September?

MudCity Mon 31-Dec-12 21:16:54

He's living the life he wants isn't he? Job he wants in location he wants. Jacket he wants, throw he wants and curtains he wants. He hasn't really thought about what you want has he?

Whatever you decide to do, TAKE THE PAINTINGS! They are yours. And he has his Laura Ashley curtains to look at.

ImperialBlether Mon 31-Dec-12 21:35:21

Mike, I think you're the wrong gender for my son!

MikeOxardInTheSnow Mon 31-Dec-12 22:08:00

Not for me Imperial, for the OP! Also, I'm a woman (but too old and too married for your son), thanks though. grin

therewearethen Mon 31-Dec-12 22:12:06

Well this will teach him for buying shit Christmas presents won't it! Lol in all seriousness I think your doing the right thing. I'd rather have something homemade or costing £10 that my dp had put lots of thought into than getting something I hadn't asked for/need that my mil had half paid for and ordered!

I'm in Wales if that's any good to you op, for moving stuff etc.

ImperialBlether Mon 31-Dec-12 22:17:25

grin @ Mike. That's a relief - you write like a woman!

hugoagogo Mon 31-Dec-12 23:43:32

I hope Hydro is somewhere safe tonight.

take all of your stuff... it is not his, its yours and he has no right to claim it against anything.

please let us know whats happening... you have us all worried. we want to know you're safe and away from this guy. sod the job... you getting away is so much more important

where abouts are you? if you're struggling to move back with your mum then im hoping someone here lives near you that is willing to help.

Hydrophilic Tue 01-Jan-13 00:27:57

I'm ok, sorry for being quiet I was at work today. He is away for a few days, I will get my arse out of here but just need to get some energy. I am on antibiotics so hopefully this kidney infection will be gone soon.

Thank you for the support. Let's hope 2013 is less crappy.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Tue 01-Jan-13 00:41:07

Wow! Ive just found this thread. what a dick head he is! Good for you seeing sense and dropping the twunt!

hugoagogo Tue 01-Jan-13 00:53:17

Really, am glad to hear you're ok. Happy new year! grin

ImperialSantaKnickers Tue 01-Jan-13 08:59:53

Happy New Year Hydro - get well soon and keep in touch.

Hydrophilic Thu 03-Jan-13 13:15:48

I've started looking for flat shares down here. Have had a horrible few days. Yesterday I made the mistake of agreeing to go to a local city (40 mins away). He drove so offered me a lift. Once there he marched me to his bank and ordered me to give him my bank details so he can put an (undisclosed and not discussed) amount in my account and then own the paintings. Obviously I said I wasn't being bullied in this way.

I don't even care so much about the paintings. Thy are lovely and I have paid for them in good times. It's the principle.

I have also just been shouted at for taking down the christmas tree. You can't walk past it without a whole branch dropping all its needles. Apparently he wants to wait until saturday as he wants it to feel christmassy "ive hardly felt christmassy at all this year" he whined.

When I pointed out I work saturdays he changed it to sunday. Because of course he cant manage to do it alone. He is always like this. Expects me to do housework and then when it comes to his turn he expects me to do half. If I dare to sit down I get called lazy.

I don't know if people remember me from many namechanges ago but he suffers from OCD and it's making my life hell. He suffers with intrusive thoughts and his response is to jump (imagine an 18st man jumping in a first floor flat, and often doing it in the kitchen and bathroom which are lino, my poor neighbours), shout and squeal like a pig. Last night it was every minute a squeal. I have always been sensitive to noises and it's driving me crazy.

I have had two years of living with him with constant noise. Every month he had a different excuse "job stress" "exam stress" but it never stops. He will suddenly stop in an evening and then its like living with 2 different people.

Euphemia Thu 03-Jan-13 13:17:24

Does he know you're leaving?

Sooner the better, you poor woman. sad

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 13:29:09

Dear God. The jumping, shouting and squealing like a pig would be a dealbreaker for me, never mind all the other fuckwittery!

Well done for standing your ground yesterday.

hugoagogo Thu 03-Jan-13 17:13:58

Good luck flat hunting. grin

He sounds awful.

You sound like you are handling it all very well.

MmeGuillotine Thu 03-Jan-13 22:47:55

Christ alive, I hope you escape his clutches soon. You poor thing!

flow4 Thu 03-Jan-13 22:53:10

Hydro, can't you move out NOW and stay with your mum while you look for a flat-share? This situation don't sound healthy. Actually, are you sure you're safe? sad

flow4 Thu 03-Jan-13 22:53:59

don't *doesn't hmm

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats Thu 03-Jan-13 23:00:27

At least he's incompetent to do anything himself! You may yet get away with this! Go, go, Hydro! grin

Dozer Thu 03-Jan-13 23:01:28

Bloody hell, leave now!

Cutiecat Fri 04-Jan-13 01:35:45

Get out. He sounds a nightmare. It will not get better - ever. There is no future for you with this man. He is not displaying any love or care for you. God I would have you come and stay, there must be someone to put you up for a few weeks. Could you sleep on your mum's sofa?

NewYearNewNN Fri 04-Jan-13 04:19:18

Hydro If you are still there, why? You haven't told us any redeeming features about this man, and some of what he's doing sounds really scary.

SantaWearsBlueSuedeStilettos Fri 04-Jan-13 05:01:44

He sounds truly awful. I have been through a very similar situation. (My horrid thoughtless Xmas prezzie was a perfume that he saw me try in the shop and knew I thought smelled like cat piss but he bought anyway because it was advertised by Sienna Miller hmm. He also tried to keep artwork I'd paid for. Tis now hanginh in my hall smile)

I know it's hard to leave a life behind and I know you truly loved him once, but you know what you want now and you CAN move out and move on. Go to your mums for now and sort the rest from there.

It'll all work out, it'll just be a stressy couple of months. But once it's all over you'll look at your sparkly new life and think "HELL YEAH! I did that!" It's a great feeling. Promise grin

My only problem now is that I'm so much happier by myself I don't want another bloke. Ever!

Hydro, I remember your previous posts - I look out for threads about living with OCD because we have a family member who suffers very badly with this.

Listen love, you've been posting here for nearly two years about your relationship problems with this man. Many posters have told you that he is selfish and controlling for not seeking therapy or medication and for expecting you to enable his rituals etc and put up with ludicrous restrictions on your domestic life because of his phobias.

You have told us that you've been supporting him while he qualifies as a doctor, and have relocated for his career. In return, he jeers at the jobs you are applying for and taunts you that your friends are no longer interested in you. He has reneged on his promise to support you financially until you find work. He is too mean to buy you a decent Xmas present or put fuel in your car (which he insists on using himself). He is trying to take away your posessions. He is bullying you.

You are only 23, you have a good degree and are hoping to go back to uni soon. Why on earth are you putting up with this nonsense? Please move back to your family and friends and make a new start for yourself. There are very few jobs available in the South-West. He has made it very clear he won't support you and is blackening your reputation amongst his social circle. You have nothing left to lose. Make this the year you get your life back on track! smile.

AmberSocks Fri 04-Jan-13 19:52:42

just read the whole thread,hydro where are you and how are you?

FelicityWasSanta Fri 04-Jan-13 23:43:00

OP are you ok?

Dryjuice25 Sat 05-Jan-13 02:27:57

Got a feeling his mum got the presents, not him?

Astelia Sat 05-Jan-13 06:44:10

I have just read you thread OP and am aghast at what you have put up with. Lapsed's summary is chilling- I hope you can move on and get closure soon from this man.

Hydrophilic Sat 05-Jan-13 08:20:59

I am ok, just going out to work. Will check in properly later.

WhySoSirius Sat 05-Jan-13 18:13:16

Read whole thread. Hydro I will personally come and pick you up and drive you to your mums if it means getting you away from this lunatic. I'm genuinely concerned about your safety!

flow4 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:02:38

WhySo has just said what I have been thinking but haven't said, for fear of sounding melodramatic.

Hydro, you have known you want to leave this man for a couple of months now, at least - but you are still there. Sorry if this is a blunt question but are you afraid of how he'll react if you say you'll leave?

If you get the merest whiff of violence from this man, get out immediately. You can sort everything else afterwards.

You can make a Safety Plan to help you leave. (That's a link to info about Safety Plans on the Women's Aid Website - this second link is to their homepage).

Here is the website for the domestic abuse service in your area (and if you're not in this area, you can find local support by searching the directory on the Women's Aid website): www.domesticviolenceandabuseservice.org.uk/ They will help you get away if you need help. So will any organisation in the Woman's Aid network.

Sorry if I'm way off the mark here, but I wanted to say it aloud and make sure you have some info, just in case I'm not.

WhySoSirius Sat 05-Jan-13 20:08:01

He is displaying extremely concerning signs of someone who could become abusive. I think there is nothing to gain by staying in that house. As others have said you need to just leave and go to your mums. There will be other jobs, it's not worth the suffering (and nagging from us MNrs)

OhCobblers Sat 05-Jan-13 20:32:04

Op did you have a thread about him back in Sep under a different name?
I thought you were going to come back from your parents, pack your things and leave. Wasn't your dad going to help?
What made you stay?

Hydrophilic Sat 05-Jan-13 22:03:27

I am here. I'm, hand on heart, the illest I have ever been. I had to lay down quickly at work today as I was going to faint. I will come back and explain myself more when I feel better. This is 2 weeks this has veen going on for. I've lost half a stone and have no energy.

I'll be back, promise.

hugoagogo Sat 05-Jan-13 22:04:59

Hoping you're taking care of yourself hydro. [hug]

OhCobblers Sat 05-Jan-13 22:16:24

You don't need to explain yourself. just concentrate on getting better you poor thing. Get well and get out of there sad

Jux Sat 05-Jan-13 23:28:35

Could your mum, say, come and look after you? (and pack the important things and take you away?).

Jux Sat 05-Jan-13 23:30:00

Hope your recover quickly. There're some nasty bugs going around atm, apart from your exp! I had my first meal since Sunday this evening!

flow4 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:31:08

Oh hydro, poor you. And like Cobb says, you don't have to explain yourself... Just look after yourself...

HildaOgden Sat 05-Jan-13 23:36:22

Take time off work and go home to your mums to recover.Staying there in a stressful situation won't help.Mind youself x

KRITIQ Sun 06-Jan-13 00:00:13

His behaviour sounds worrying, very worrying. I don't know the backstory as others seem to, but it sound like the present situ is part of an overall pattern of controlling, emotionally abusive behaviour. Staying in a stressful situation won't help you to recover physically or emotionally, and I'm concerned about your personal safety.

Paintings, property, money, none of that stuff matters as much as your health, your sanity and your life. Please, find some way to get out, get away as soon as possible. Could your mother call on a neighbour, friend, relative, anyone who could come collect you and as much of our stuff as possible? Resign from work, but be upfront about your reasons - they will then be more likely to give a good reference (or is there an opportunity for a transfer if it's a big firm?)

Seriously, you do need to get away from this man, as quickly as you possibly can.

Hydro, have you told your parents how ill you are? You need to go back home to recover. Why are you trying to work when you are so poorly?

This so-called DP is a doctor ? - yet you are fainting at work with a kidney infection? Please, please get yourself looked after. Your partner has neglected your well-being to the point you are collapsing in public. He is disgrace to his profession. You deserve better than this! shock

StuntGirl Mon 07-Jan-13 00:16:53

Oh Hydro, I think I remember that thread. You relocated for his work to some beach town if I remember rightly, and he was supposed to support you while you job hunted, but the job market wasn't particularly brilliant there?

Please get away from this man, he is absolutely draining you. You deserve much, much better than him. I hope you are feeling better soon. x

Hydrophilic Mon 07-Jan-13 14:11:48

I have found a dr who is taking me seriously. Have an appointment this afternoon and will have bloods taken urgently.

He is looking after me. He is the one who has kept pushing me to go back to the drs. My mum has offered to come down but she won't be able to do anything. I am just sleeping all day.

Things are a bit more amicable. We are going to sit down and calculate how much he owes me when I get better and he will put money in my account.

I can't afford to not take up this job. I want to go to uni in september and need every penny I can get, I have already been unemployed for 3 months and I can't afford to waste another 3. I will be away training for a month so will be away in the week. I work one day on the weekend and will fill the other with new hobbies.

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats Mon 07-Jan-13 17:50:24

Can you take on any tutoring work instead of spending all your non-work time at leisure?

Hydrophilic Mon 07-Jan-13 22:30:07

Christmas, I like your way of thinking!

I have finally found a decent gp down here .He rushed me in at short notice, took blood and has put me on strong antibiotics. He says if I havn't improved in 24 hours he will admit me to hospital. It's only taken 2 weeks and 4 different drs...

Jux Tue 08-Jan-13 00:42:35

Eat live yoghurt every day while you're on the abs, and for a week after at least.

Hope you start feeling better.

ZillionChocolate Tue 08-Jan-13 08:28:28

You poor thing Hydro. It must be overwhelming being isolated with a lot to do while you're feeling rough.

From what you've posted, I'd imagine that the improvement in his behaviour is temporary. Don't drop your guard!

Op I'm going to work now but wanted to suggest a seasonal job. They are min wage but give you cheap accommodation and food most of the time! I used them to escape my parents house when things got bad and they are very good for saving if you can get extra working hours!

Hydrophilic Tue 08-Jan-13 17:04:04

Thanks ConfusedPixie. I have just had it confirmed that I will be the other side of the country for 4 weeks, so will be away mon-fri. Even the money just from that month would be more than I could earn in a min wage job for 3 months.

I have started packing bits up that I can drop into my parents house on the way north. Having less stuff will make it easier to get out quickly. I am in no state to do much, keep forgetting what I'm doing!

ExP told me, before we split up, that he thought I could do with going through my stuff and getting rid of bits. I do this regularly anyway but it's pretty rich coming from a hoarder. I have just taken out all of my DVDs. All 7 of them and all well watched, from a pile of 200 that are all his. FFS.

Wow, well that's something! Is there a way you could stay over the weekend too or is it a job local to you on weekends?

Jux Tue 08-Jan-13 17:20:52

Don't forget to pack up the pictures and see if your mum can pick them up (I don't trust him with them for a month on his own).

Good luck. Are you beginning to feel better?

Hydrophilic Tue 08-Jan-13 17:49:22

It's all very confusing! I have a weekend job locally so need to be down here.

Oh, definitely look for a weekend houseshare where you are for the month and a month-long houseshare for the other place to get away from him if you can. You can always look for a longer houseshare in either location if you want, they're really easy to get into. Are you near a city? Easier still then.

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