Massive Mil Birthday row.

(60 Posts)
sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:23:07

Dp has organised a meal for mil's birthday on Monday. I wasn't invited and neither are his 3 pre-schoolers as we will 'add £50 to the bill and it will be a faff to get out of the house'

Other reasons he has given are: he wanted to just spend some time with just his dm, dbro and dsis. And he just wants it to be a get in and out type meal (rather than a lengthy all day affair, implying it will be, if we go.)

However his dsis is bringing her pre-schooler as she has no-one to look after him (unlike my dp who has muggins here to look after his!)

Today I find out that his dm invited her BF along, but now she can't go,so dp has rung up dbro and said 'you might as well bring your girlfriend as the table is booked for 5 people'

Anyone need a Cinderella for their panto- i'm right here!

I'm beyond fuming. We have been arguing/not speaking for over 24 hrs. AIBU?

dishwashervodkaanddietirnbru Sat 22-Dec-12 15:25:42

No you are not BU - why not take yourself and the kids out for your own meal and spend the £50 he thinks he is saving by not inviting you to the other meal!

donnie Sat 22-Dec-12 15:26:07

no IMO you are definitely NOT BU. To be frank your ds sounds like a selfish knob, if I may use such language grin.

You keep saying 'his' pre-schoolers - are they his kids from a previous or are they your kids with him?

Christmashasarrived Sat 22-Dec-12 15:27:03

YANBU I wouldn't be happy his reasons seem abit flimsy do you think it's just due to the cost?

Dogsmom Sat 22-Dec-12 15:28:10

He's an arsehole. Sorry.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Sat 22-Dec-12 15:29:00

So he wants you to babysit his three kids, while he has a relaxed meal?


sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:29:34

no they are 'our' pre-schoolers.

Well i told him he was a fucking arsehole myself last night- so knob is quite polite in comparison. grin

I feel a bit like he may have just have been trying to spend some quality time with his family-which is perfectly acceptable-but he managed to fail miserably at going about it the wrong way. iyswim.?

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sat 22-Dec-12 15:29:38

Are these your kids together, or are they his kids? Either way it's rude and thoughtless. Doesn't your MIL want to see her grandkids on her birthday? Both my mum and my MIL would want to.

Does he do stuff like this a lot? If it's an isolated thing, I would be booking my own night out very soon and expecting him to hold the fort. If more common, it needs more serious thinking about.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sat 22-Dec-12 15:31:16

Ah have seen your second post now. Book yourself a ladies night out and make it clear he will be in charge of the kids.

Does your MIL know he's said this or has he just told her you don't want to come? My MIL would not have this.

naturalbaby Sat 22-Dec-12 15:32:03

'you might as well bring your gf' ?!? charming.

I'm surprised he hasn't asked you to look after his dsis's dc as well.


sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:33:11

I get on with mil and go out on nights out with her occasionally. First thing she asked is 'is sassy not coming' I told him, if she asks, i will tell her i wasn't invited.

No worries about me staying in, i have already told him i will be going out.

MummyDuckAndDuckling Sat 22-Dec-12 15:33:27

Oh no sassy angry

pigletmania Sat 22-Dec-12 15:42:43

What a knob end you are family. Yes book somewhere nice to go with friends fir £50+. My dh would not want to go to these family functions withut me as we are family

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 22-Dec-12 15:48:06

I would be highly fucked off if DH went out with his mum/dad (both dead so probably no chance that would happen!) and left me alone with our DS.

YANBU. He is a fucking arsehole for doing that. Definitely let your MIL know when she asks!

Stupid thing to do. Your DP, not you or MIL.

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:48:59

piglet he has thrown at me that 'we're not joined at the hip' and ' we don't have to do everything together' during the arguments when i have tried to tell him how left out i feel.

he has since said i can come. hmm Told him i wouldn't go now, if i had a gun to my head. And he has also said he won't go.

these are his attempts at trying to make it better. hmm

naturalbaby Sat 22-Dec-12 16:00:39

What?! so his mother wants you to go but now because of his silliness neither of you are going?!

Don't make his mother miss out because your dp is being an idiot.

TheCrackFox Sat 22-Dec-12 16:04:54

I would feel very upset at being excluded like that.

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 16:10:36

natural he is still going. It was just a flippant thing to say because i was giving him grief.

I'm not going cos, lets face it, i'm not really wanted, (by dp) and l would prefer to go somewhere else with the kids now.

Yama Sat 22-Dec-12 16:11:52

YANBU. Not nice being left out. Do tell Mil.

naturalbaby Sat 22-Dec-12 16:14:23

Oh o.k. Does he feel guilty now? Have you booked somewhere nice for yourself on Monday?
We're going to the cinema to watch a Christmas movie and stuff ourselves with sweets. Can't wait! It's only £2 each, but is at 10am.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 22-Dec-12 16:22:47

Kicking off before Christmas because he wants a few hours alone with his family?

What a lovely, understanding, and not in any way controlling partner you sound like...

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 16:26:41

tis grin

I was waiting for a back lash!

natural I thought about taking my eldest to the pics when he gets back to watch something pi. He can watch the 3 under 3's!

fedupofnamechanging Sat 22-Dec-12 16:30:37

It's not controlling to want your partner to want to invite you. And if he's going to say to his brother that he can bring his gf, then it's hardly time alone with his mum and siblings is it? That was the time when he should have invited sassy.

SantasENormaSnob Sat 22-Dec-12 16:33:03


I can't comprehend doing this to dh, nor him to me.

MrsMelons Sat 22-Dec-12 16:42:43

YANBU at all! I would be really hurt if DH did this to me..

It is in no way controlling, when you are a family I can't see that he should want to have alone time with his siblings and mum. I go away with my mum just the two of us but would never consider to not invite DH if out with DM, DF and DB same goes for DB's wife - we are all family.

DontmindifIdo Sat 22-Dec-12 16:43:35

yep, now he's not going, make plans and go out before he will have to leave for the meal in case he changes his mind at the last minute (at least 1 hour before he'd have to leave). He then can go, take the younger DCs without you (ha ha ha, if he thought it would be a 'faff' to get you all out of the house with you there, bet your life he's not going to cope well tryng to do that without you!), or sort a last minute childminder on Christmas eve (oh good luck, that's not going to be tricky or pricy) or not go like he said.

Honestly, once his DSis was taking her DCs, it should have been clear this was going to be a child centred event again so changed the booking to avoid upset.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Sat 22-Dec-12 16:46:39

YANBU it's a family do and you actually get along with your MIL, no reason not to be invited. If it were the works Christmas do then he'd be being reasonable.
Definitely take the else to the pictures and leave him with the rest. I hope his Mum sets him straight when he turns up without you.

badguider Sat 22-Dec-12 16:47:00

I totally understand him wanting an adult meal with MIL and his siblings, but as soon as the other children were coming along he should have changed the plan and invited you all.

frankinsensible Sat 22-Dec-12 16:55:55

Don't understand why he wouldn't include you as well - you get on well with the MIL and you are all part of the same family aren't you? YANBU - very hurtful.

MrsMelons Sat 22-Dec-12 17:04:00

BTW I understand about the DCs not being there but not you!

hugoagogo Sat 22-Dec-12 17:07:24

hmm, dh goes out with his parents without me and dc. It doesn't bother me.

I understand why you are somewhat peeved though; but I don't think it's worth falling out over.

<sits on fence>

MrsFlibble Sat 22-Dec-12 17:16:20

Jeez, translate what he really means Sorry Love, but your just gonna get in the way

Take the kids out and spend that 50 quid.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Sat 22-Dec-12 17:17:53

Yanbu, sounds like mil is centre of attention and you are second best and left to slave at home with the kids whilst he has a slap up meal.

Just aswell he is just a dp rather than a dh as she isn't technically your mil thank your lucky stars.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 17:20:52

I would be really fuming about this too. It's one thing if it's a friend's birthday or something, but it's a family thing - you ARE family. It doesn't matter if you're married, the fact you have 3 DC together, and even if you didn't have the DC, you presumably live together and must have been together for at least a few years if you have 3 DC? Even if they're triplets you describe them as preschoolers so must be 2/3+?

Wanting to spend quiet time with his family is totally different to a family event such as a birthday meal.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 17:21:33

It just comes across like you and the DC are an inconvenience, that would make me feel really hurt.

AndrewD Sat 22-Dec-12 17:24:19

Just wondering, is the Mother in Law going to be the "centre of attention" for 3 hours and you are the "centre of attention" for the rest of the 8,757 hours of the year and those 3 hours are too much for you to handle. What if you need to ask him to look after the kids whilst you see a friend/relative for a couple of hours? Is he going to throw a fit about it? Guess he probably will now. You've given him an excuse.

(ducks into bunker and prepares to be shelled)

asleb Sat 22-Dec-12 17:28:23

shock that is beyond rude. I would flip if my dh did that - in fact I wouldn't want to be with someone who would think that's acceptable!

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 17:36:04

Obviously i am more complex than just this one post (i hope) so trying to get across what i am like is not possible completely. But there is no-one in the whole world who knows me, who would call me controlling, wanting to be the centre of attention. I couldn't be further from them two points if i actually tried. grin

even if i went to the meal, i would not be the centre of attention. I would be looking after 28 month old twins and a 14 month old, with no help what so ever from mil and little help from dp (unless i ask)

It's not about control or centre of attention ( i cringe at getting married as all focus would be on me) its about being left out/excluded/not loved/ etc.

We have been together 10 yrs.

Doha Sat 22-Dec-12 17:40:17

Tell your (D)P i he doesn't get his finger out and stop acting like a knob you won't make it to 11 years.

Inertia Sat 22-Dec-12 17:45:06

Your DH is being ridiculous , of course you are all family. He just wants to shirk responsibility for an evening.

Your children are still quite little - could you put them to bed early and invite friends round for wine and a takeaway delivery , rather than taking them out by yourself to spend the 50 pounds ?

DecAndAnt Sat 22-Dec-12 17:52:19

So he wouldn't help out with his kids unless you asked? Wow !

Doneinagain Sat 22-Dec-12 18:06:46

Will try to be gentle because you sound lovely OP and like you have a lot on your plate. I don't think it's crazy that he wants a quiet day out with his mum and siblings without worrying about looking after the DC's. it's just one day. He could however have explained it better so as not to make you feel bad. If you feel unloved then he should be working on that!!

frankinsensible Sat 22-Dec-12 18:14:12

The dp doesn't have to worry about looking after the dc's doneinagain because the OP will be doing that. What he's saying is that he doesn't want them there because it will be 'a faff' which is really unfeeling. Not sure how he could have explained it better - op has listed his various reasons and they are all equally hurtful.

captainmummy Sat 22-Dec-12 18:19:22

It's not about DP having a quiet day with his DM and family - but the fact that almost everyone else (sis dc, Bro's GF) is included, when his own dc and partner is not. (exept as an afterthought.)

Sounds like he doesn't really want to be part of your family, OP. Or consider you to be part of his.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 18:25:48

Maybe it's differences between different families etc, but I would never arrange a family "do" and not invite long term partners. I find it weird that people would do this.

Yes I would go round to visit my mother or sister in the evening and not expect DP to tag along. A family meal for a birthday or similar - no way.

Oh sassy sorry your Christmas is off to a bad start you can tell 'D'P from me that he's being an arse if you like especially after what you've been through with your ex this year. Hope you enjoy the cinema x

cees Sat 22-Dec-12 18:27:19

YANBU, your partner is. How horrible of him to leave his own children and their mother out especially when there will be another child attending.

I'd be very annoyed too, bloody cheek of him.

ToffeeCaramel Sat 22-Dec-12 18:30:13

Just make sure you go out for a meal soon and leave the kids with him.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Sat 22-Dec-12 18:34:54

Wrangling 28 mo twins and a 14 mo in a fancy restaurant in the company of my mil sounds like hell on wheels to me, I would be waving him off with a cheery grin if that were the only issue.


He should have been much nicer about the way he presented it to you, and offered to let you have the same amount of toddler free time and generally been sweet about it.

And much more importantly than that, it shouldn't always just be you who is inconvenienced whenever you take your small dc anywhere. Do you ever say anything sarky like 'feel free to help' (this used to be my personal favourite btw wink) How does he react if so?

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 18:37:55

sassy I don't think YAB entirely U. But, his bro's GF wasn't initially invited, by all accounts, just got told she 'might as well come' since someone dropped out, so it's not like it was only you that wasn't going.

Also, four kids, 3 under 3, is that right? They will seriously change the dinner! Maybe he just wanted a calm, adult meal for his Mums birthday, TBH I wouldn't mind if my DP did that, obviously he looks after our kids when I want to do something without them.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 18:38:43

Sorry X-post with artex

hanette Sat 22-Dec-12 18:40:43

Agree with Artex - you've been thrown a gift! Avoiding family bash in adult restaurant with small kids, having the moral highground and instantly justified to go out and treat yourself. What's not to like? :-)

LemonBreeland Sat 22-Dec-12 18:47:11

I think it is perfectly reasonable that he wanted a lunch with his Mum and siblings. However he should have spoken to you before he booked it and explained what he wanted to do and why.

I also agree that once his sisters toddler was coming he should have changed plans. It sounds like he can't be bothered with the effort of having his dc around.

Idocrazythings Sat 22-Dec-12 18:51:32

I wouldn't have a problem to be honest if it was just the siblings taking mum out for an adult dinner for her birthday- I think it's quite nice actually.

The fact Dsis couldn't get a babysitter would change the night though- but what can you do (unless you watched her for them grin); but I would have got annoyed with the boyfriend coming along (unless they had been together a very long time and was a father figure to the siblings)

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 19:02:45

artex I can be quite sarky. grin

I have had to fight to get him to not just see them as my responsibility! But that would be a whole new thread.

Yes 4 kids, 3 under 2 and a half and one pre-teen from a previous relationship.

I am definately going out. The restaurant faces my street shock and i will feel really uncomfortable if they decide to come afterward for a quick visit- like the poor relation.

Then when i get back, i will be taking my dd1 out to the pics. He has said that after the meal he will come back to be with us, as this is tradition that we spend xmas eve in, drinking, watching only fools and horses and i wrap the presents, but i intend to go out. Or am i just biting my nose off to spite my face? I could go anytime.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Sat 22-Dec-12 19:15:16

I'm laughing at the thought of a mother of 3 very small children ever being the centre of attention, AndrewD.

oldraver Sat 22-Dec-12 19:19:41

I think I would drop the three younger ones with him at the restaurant and take older DD to the cinema

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 19:20:32

Yeah, don't do that sass you don't want to spoil the whole of Christmas over one poxy meal. Go out when you want, but don't make yourself miserable to prove a point

TheCatIsEatingIt Sun 23-Dec-12 11:04:38

I get it. DH sometimes sees his DParents and DB without partners - I'm fine with that, but would be put out if SIL was invited and I wasn't.

DontmindifIdo Sun 23-Dec-12 11:52:38

Don't go out with the DCS, walk out half an hour before he has to leave without them - leave the nappy bags made up and any milk the DCs need available, but then go out as he said he wasn't going now. [evil]

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