To LOVE whoppers, kidders and deliberately lying to children....

(70 Posts)
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:19:04

The Santa myth is frankly, small potatoes. Our family has a grand tradition of mad rellies that tell the smaller generation the biggest, fattest, pants-on-fire lies which are swallowed whole and with huge delight. One uncle convinced us for years that he'd done backing vocals for 'his mate' Bob Marley.

AIBU? Anyone else's family love a whopper? Care to share?

cory Thu 20-Dec-12 10:25:08

We had a Big Troll living in our bathroom wall for a long time; he called out to sympathise with dd whenever she had to do something nasty that trolls don't see the point of, like washing her hair. He had 50 troll cubs who came out to play from time to time and what a rumpus that was! I quite miss him...

My mother otoh told me I was a troll that she had found in the forest, but she did it in such a fun, sympathetic way that it never felt oppressive; more like a way of recognising the troll-like aspects of my character and letting me know that she wasn't terribly worried about them.

Basically, if you have the kind of parent who is going to use the myth of Santa, or any other myth, to bully you or exercise controlling behaviour, then the tall story itself is the least of your problems.

For us, tall stories have always been a way of telling each other as a family that we don't take life terribly seriously. It's all about how you tell them.

GreenyEyes Thu 20-Dec-12 10:27:46

Uncle XXXXX (crohns sufferer) has a MASSIVE scar on his belly from a Great White shark attack.

shewhowines Thu 20-Dec-12 10:35:57

My Great Aunt was 101 every single birthday for years and we told everyone we knew that she was 101 and we were very proud of it. This myth went on for years we weren't very intelligent!

fluffyanimal Thu 20-Dec-12 10:37:34

I don't know if this counts but my DH once told me that Linford Christie was Agatha Christie's grandson, and for 10 whole minutes I believed him.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:42:32

I had another uncle who lost an ear to cancer and had a prosthetic one that would come detached occasionally. Brilliant. The story circulated among the kids of the family was that he actually lost it by walking along Fleetwood prom without a hat on and it was pecked off by a seagull .... Feathery bastards!!!!

I made my sister believe the burdock from the dandelion and burdock drink was a creature that lived in the woods. Its bones were crushed to make burdock. My stepdad backed me up and told her he used to work as a burdock catcher.

Sallster Thu 20-Dec-12 10:45:40

My lovely Dad had scars on the back of his hand from when he was mauled by a Tiger as a child in SriLanka (Moped Accident) and train track scars on his back from where he had to be operated on because he bit his fingernails (back surgery...) Sadly he's no longer with us to pass his tall tales onto his grandchildren!!

goldenlula Thu 20-Dec-12 10:50:45

Dh has the top of one of his fingers missing from the nail bed upwards after an accident with a folding chair as a small child. As an adult he had his nieces and nephews convinced that it was bitten off while wrestling a lion back into it's cage when it escaped, with him saving the lives of many school children. One nephew, now in his teens, had great pleasure repeating this 'lie' to ds2 at the weekend. It was lovely to watch ds2 starring intently at his big cousin and listening to the story, only problem was that ds2 then decided it didn't matter about daddy's finger as the finger fairy would fix it! Dh also convinced the same children that he ate 3 weeatbix for breakfast every morning and then swam to France and back before going to work.

squeakytoy Thu 20-Dec-12 10:51:29

I am still convinced that the Haggis does really exist and roams free on scottish moorlands... grin

ToriaHosannaHeadacheChelsea Thu 20-Dec-12 10:53:44

DH, my aunt and I managed to convince my cousin that haggis are creatures who run around hills with wonky legs and that they have a close relation who looks similar but can fly.

Snugabugz Thu 20-Dec-12 10:54:01

DH tells our four year old that he is part dolphin and that's why he is so hot (he wears shorts all year round)

We also told him that blocks of flats are castles which was sweet when he was a toddler but he'll be starting school soon. I keep telling him they are not really castles but he won't believe me

goldenlula Thu 20-Dec-12 10:54:32

And as a child my mum had me convinced that I would go down the plug hole if I didn't get onto the bath quickly when she pulled the plug out, that people would see my knickers in the reflection of patent shoes (she didn't want me having them) and that seagulls on the sea front would swoop down and take me away if I stood still for too long grin

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Thu 20-Dec-12 10:57:10

I've convinced 5yo dnephew that kiwi fruit is really bogies

DSIL is hmm

Dn now eats kiwi occasionally

<naughty Aunty Pidjie>

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:58:36

Loving burdock and haggis catchers. Yet more rellies lived in a town that had a big windmill on the outskirts. My parents had us convinced that it was Auntie Barbara's Windmill... actually belonged to her... and thus it was so. No problem until about 20 years later when I'm with an important business contact driving through the same town, see the landmark and announce 'Oh look, it's Auntie Barbara's Windmill!' blush

WinklyVersusTheZombies Thu 20-Dec-12 10:58:57

My friend's dad told her the ICI plant in Teesside was a cloud factory

Huge lies obviously run in her family - she almost managed to convince me her parents named her Beatrice when she was born and she changed it by deed poll just before uni to her 'ordinary' name.

We don't have any big ones but we always do if the alarm sensor goes red it means father Christmas is watching you and its how he sees if you are being naughty.
Also, I used to have an uncle who would tells us every year that he works for westlife.

almapudden Thu 20-Dec-12 10:59:31

I tell the children I teach that I am 42 (I'm 27). It's hilarious because they're never quite sure if I'm lying!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:01:17

Someone ... <looks furiously at DB> ... told DS that fizzy drinks were beer. The time I've wasted explaining to cafe staff that no, the little boy getting slightly cross doesn't actually want a beer, he means lemonade.

fluffyanimal Thu 20-Dec-12 11:04:20

Almapudden I do the opposite! grin

When I was about 3 I ran out on the road just as a police car came in the other direction, my mum told me that the siren was an alarm going off because I had gone out on the road without an adult. When I was about 5/6 my friends and I wandered off when our parents found us I was sitting at the side of the road waiting on my friends coming back because I couldn't cross over grin

My mum has also told her grandchildren that the scar on her leg car accident is actually a zip so she can take her old bones out to clean them grin

Bearandcub Thu 20-Dec-12 11:10:43

Ooh yes... Happy memories.

I told my sister all kinds of crap for instance, cracks in dry clay are made by dragons being woken up underground so you have to be quiet.

Kebab meat is actually elephant thigh- what other animal would fit on the spit?

Our neighbour was the child-catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang after her sex change, she was also a witch.

And many many more.

My younger cousins are still nervous about my Dads pond as for years I convinced them it had a crocodile in it.

TinselTwister Thu 20-Dec-12 11:12:00

My Dad told me some massive ones, mostly in response to quite intelligent questions for a small child! Examples include:

Guerilla warfare: where one army dresses up apes in army uniforms and send them out to face the enemy. The enemy use up all their bullets shooting the gorillas then the real soldiers run out and win the war. I believed it till I was about 14, and looked a right wally when we covered animal cruelty in English and I pointed out it wasn't just foxes and badgers that had a rough time.

In response to "what is mohair made of Dad?" A Mo is a rodent, bit like a mink, but smaller and far rarer. That summer there happened to be an outbreak of Mo's in the lake district while we were there on holiday. I spent a whole fucking week looking for the little buggers - I was 7!

Garibaldi bicuits have dead flies in them

The ice cream man plays music when he's sold out.

Loads more, but these spring to mind!

nokidshere Thu 20-Dec-12 11:14:53

We told my little sister that rapeseed fields were custard plantations - she believed it long into adulthood hahahaha.

We also got told as children that if you fiddle with your belly button it would unscrew the bottom half of you and your bum/legs would fall off grin

Bearandcub Thu 20-Dec-12 11:15:50

YY to fly biscuits, ice cream van tune means out of stock, patent shoes reflect knickers, etc

Love this thread.

TinselTwister Thu 20-Dec-12 11:18:43

Ah, just remembered the Barnado's lady. She used to knock at the door every month or so and say "I'm collecting for Barnado's". My dad told me she was collecting children! [shocked]

Mandy2003 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:18:53

That Brussels Sprouts are the food of the Gods and how lucky DS is to be able to indulge in them! I must have caught him with this at just the right time because he's loved them ever since.

Or maybe he's like me and born without the "bitter taste" gene smile

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:19:53

I want my own Mo now.... ROFL!

TinselTwister Thu 20-Dec-12 11:22:30

Brussel sprouts are fairy cabbages.

Nanny is a witch, have you not noticed her black cat? And that broomstick in the larder? Thats why she doesn't drive you know ( about his Mil)

ILoveMimislabel Thu 20-Dec-12 11:23:39

My grandad convinced me as a child that the fag burn holes in his clothes were actually bullet holes from the cowboys whilst he had been helping the Indians!
I managed to fool my sister (11 yrs younger ) that I was father Christmas! I went to the pub on Christmas eve but she was fooled into thinking I flew to the north pole and got on my sleigh !

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:24:35

Way before the words 'health' and 'safety' ever appeared in the same sentence my old primary school headmistress used to turn up in class pre any school trips with a bottle of 'Anti Car-sickness Medicine' and a very large spoon. We'd line up obediently, swallow the medicine and make a face. It was years later I found out it was just water with a drop of colouring in it. Then again..... no-one was ever sick on our trips. Oh yes.

meddie Thu 20-Dec-12 11:24:53

Haha yep we used the ice cream van one too.

There was also THE MONSTER in the cellar who ate children who posted lego down between the skirting boards. My dad had the scars on his arm to prove a close shave he had had as a child.

Billy the pasta shell an uncle who would only eat pasta and eventually turned into a pasta shell (he lived in my brothers shirt pocket and my son would have long conversations with him, good job my brother was a good ventriloquist)

Street lights were actually scanners that could look into cars and see children hitting their sisters.

In Wales on seeing a sheep kneeling my dad told my kids they were special mountain sheep with short front legs so they could climb mountains while staying level.

Only a little fib, but I told ds last year that father christmas's favourite song in jingle bells, if he ever hears anyone singing jingle bells batman smells, he gets so upset that he takes a present out of their stocking; but mum I sang that today, oh whoops I wonder what present he took out, hope it wasn't x??

I knows it's mean, but I never ever hear him sing that version!

ToriaHosannaHeadacheChelsea Thu 20-Dec-12 11:27:32

Oh yes, the Norbord factory just outside Inverness is also a cloud factory grin

TinselTwister Thu 20-Dec-12 11:29:06

You only grow bigger until you reach 21, then you start to shrink. Eventually you get so small you disappear up your own bum. (I asked why old people were so small and was very worried about my nans for quite some time afterwards!)

Oh and if you have a dummy outside the birds pinch them - very effective!!

When I was little there was a castle like building near my nans, which actually has a water tower in it, it was always the giants house, and I've loved showing my children the giants house!

hurricanewyn Thu 20-Dec-12 11:37:30

My dm told us that the maternity hospital phoned her to collect us when they'd found perfect baby matches for her.
I was a beautiful lovely placid baby
Dsis & Dbro were both very naughty & they needed a great mum to look after them.
Wasn't the happiest family ever growing up, but we lived those stories grin

hurricanewyn Thu 20-Dec-12 11:51:55

Oh & my uncle would tell us about the crocodiles he had to wrestle to get to school everyday. Lived in the pond in the local park apparently

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga Thu 20-Dec-12 12:18:18

I tell The Cub that:

Wind comes from wind farms
Alcohol is clever juice for grown ups
If you listen VERY carefully fruit and veg squeek just as you pick them.

I'mSureI'llThinkOfOthersAsEvilIsAGiftTiggaxx

BerryChristmas Thu 20-Dec-12 12:26:07

My Uncle had his hand and lower arm blown off by a bomb in the War. He had a false arm and hand. He used to take the arm off and tell children that that was what happened if you bit your nails and didn't stop!!

BerryChristmas Thu 20-Dec-12 12:27:55

Toria - now I know what the Norbord factory just outside South Molton in Devon does!!! I often wondered.

I told a lie to A group of 5/6 year old in the park in the summer.

I have have scars on my leg from been run over at 11 and needing pins and muscle removing. A boy of about 5 was starring at it as I was in shorts. His mate was pointing saying look go ask!.

So he came over all shy and nicely asked what happened to my leg. I told him it was a shark bite as I was a shark wrestler. He thought it was the greatest thing ever and shouted to his mates grin

The parents in the park were laughing.

My mum and her colleagues once had a coach load of (secondary) school kids convinced that all the cobbles on Mont St Michel were on hydraulics as they'd had to level them for when the Tour de France went round it, the kids were jumping up and down on them saying that they could feel the movement gringringrin

My parents also have a photo of me holding up a lamppost that was in the corner of our front garden, they were digging a flower bed and told me that unless I held it up, it would fall over and squash my dad shock. I was about 5 years old.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:46:16

Had lots of fun with a car alarm remote one afternoon convincing nephews that the new Ford Escort could do mental arithmetic. "What's six minus five car?".... <flash>.... "The square root of four?".... <flash flash>.

letsgomaths Thu 20-Dec-12 12:48:22

I was once showing a group of school kids the organ at our church, and inviting them to sit on the bench and press the keys. But as kids do, they were pressing every button they could see, including ones that make it sound very loud. So I told them:

"Be careful, you might press the self-destruct button!"

(I was also making good use of a button which silences the organ. One of the buttons is also jokingly labelled "pulpit trapdoor".)

almapudden Thu 20-Dec-12 12:52:47

fluffy grin do they believe you?

FuriousRox Thu 20-Dec-12 12:52:52

Dh has an enlarged hole in one hear from surgery when he was younger. He likes to wind children up by telling a tall tall tale involving an accident with a spear gun while diving. Sometimes adults believe it too!

SweetMingePie Thu 20-Dec-12 12:55:29

My nana told us our surname was actually Mactavish but was changed to Ward when our great nan moved from Scotland to England to fit in.

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 20-Dec-12 13:01:24

I have told my children about the invisible cows - that one came from Mumsnet! They have fallen for it completely...

(fields with no visible cows in are where the invisible cows are kept).

fluffyanimal Thu 20-Dec-12 13:10:01

alma I bloody wish! (Especially hard to pull off as I teach uni students...)

My gran, through my teenage years, used either touch or to take any gift a boyfriend had given me and pretend to have a physic link to them through it and tell me if they were any good for me.

You know what...she wasn't ever wrong. She told me that now DH was the one after shaking his hand.

<now wondering if gran is actually a bit woo>

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 13:28:17

For budding vegetarians everywhere..... DF informed us that chicken meat comes from chickens, beef from cows, pork from pigs and.... lion chops from lions.

Thistledew Thu 20-Dec-12 13:36:06

I have no DCs yet but am already planning the lies and misinformation I shall feed them. I reckon that telling them to look out for wild animals whenever the Satnav says "bear left" will be a good one.

freddiefrog Thu 20-Dec-12 13:50:19

My grandad was missing a finger which he told me happened wrestling tigers in the jungle

That sheep have 2 legs longer than the other so they don't roll down hills

That the icecream van only played music when it had run out of icecream

That cats eyes in the road were real cats in little boxes under the road and we had to be very careful not to drive over them

That you should never press your belly button in case your legs fell off

We had loads of tall stories, but I can't think of anymore

I can't believe I fell for it all blush

My dad told me the sheep thing too Freddie! grin He said the longer, fatter legs cost more in the supermarket too....

He also told me that if you dont 'buy someone out' on The Crystal Maze that they get left in there to die, and that the dust on the floor in the challenge rooms was dead people.

He told me 'Blow Jobs' was the name of a famour hairdresser, believed him until i started secondary school.

Jins Thu 20-Dec-12 14:06:39

My brother and I have promised to back each other up in any story that we tell in the future grin

Snugabugz Thu 20-Dec-12 14:07:32

Everyone knows if you unscrew your belly button your bum falls off don't they?

OhlimpPricks Thu 20-Dec-12 14:30:04

Wind is caused by trees waving to each other.....or so I tell my DN's grin

yaimee Thu 20-Dec-12 14:40:30

Convinced my sister that Spam is a mixture of spiders and ham, told her that they had to eat it during the war because of rationing etc but people had developed at taste for it so they've continued to make it ever since. She believed be until she was at least 12! Heeheehee!

Naomi7 Fri 21-Dec-12 14:51:05

My children think that before we had children DH wrestled crocodiles and I was a super hero. Of course it goes without saying all mums are superheroes anyway! I often have to explain what good deeds I did to save the universe

TheCortanaThatStoleChristmas Fri 21-Dec-12 14:56:54

squeakytoy
"I am still convinced that the Haggis does really exist and roams free on scottish moorlands..."

Just this morning DP regaled DS with the story of his Haggis hunting days and how he made is fortune selling "Haggis Mating Call Whistles* to English tourists.

He also has scars from a tiger.....

INeedThatForkOff Fri 21-Dec-12 15:35:10

My grandad once gave me baby duck's eggs. For years I thought that sugared almonds were laid by ducklings blush

I've told both boys Bob Marleys Buffalo Soldier is Gruffalo Soldier, just so I can stop listening to Justin Fletcher.

WigglyBraddins Fri 21-Dec-12 19:39:27

When we used to drive up & down the country my dad convinced my Fawsley Gated Road was the name of a village. I only realised it wasn't 2 years ago when I met a colleague from that bit of Northants & asked him if he lived near Fawsley Gated Road. He laughed til he cried. My dad also convinced me something dreadful about the lady that ram the corner shop but it may be too awful to share!

TiredofZombies Fri 21-Dec-12 21:38:01

Not mine I'm afraid but one my friend told me. As a child she hung on her grandad's every word, and one day he told her that a spoonful of vinegar every day would help her grow big and strong. She managed about a week until her mum caught her climbing on the worktop to get at the vinegar.

Gabbyell Sat 22-Dec-12 08:28:20

My oh decided to tell our 5 year old that if you cut your head off it would grow back, I had to break that lie as I felt she believed it to much he then said it would happen to any parts just like a starfish.

He told our older girls that Dick ( from Dick and Dom ) surname was head I was not impressed a few weeks later when I hear them call him his so called name lol

He also told them one school holiday that it was school the next day they went to bed really well got up all excited got ready to leave for bus till he then said actually its tomorrow you go back, they now ask me if anything he says is true lol

No long term family deciets though

sashh Sat 22-Dec-12 11:03:04

Ah, just remembered the Barnado's lady. She used to knock at the door every month or so and say "I'm collecting for Barnado's". My dad told me she was collecting children!

My mum actually grabben me and my brother by the collar and said "here you are, take these".

My grandad had a dalek that lived in the top cuboard in the kitchen (actually a water tank).

At Halloween I was in the pub at lunchtime, a little girl and her gran came in, she looked at all the decorations and thought they were nice but was scared to eat in that part of the pub.

We convinced her that beacuse she was wearing a special halloween costume she would be safe from monsters and mitches.

pepperrabbitanddesultorytinsel Sat 22-Dec-12 11:07:48

My dad told me that in the FA Cup Final it wasn't the team that scored the most goals that won, it was whoever could get their whole team up to the grandstand first at the end of the match.
For YEARS I vaguely pondered the injustice of it, but had no actual interest in football at all.
I was 18, yes 18, when I discovered the lie blush

monkeysbignuts Sat 22-Dec-12 14:38:18

my dad told me for years that he was "Jason" in the film "Jason & the argonaughts" I was convinced he was a famous actor lol ( Todd Armstrong) in all fairness to me he does look a lot like my dad when he was younger.

fidol Sat 22-Dec-12 15:15:03

My DH's bum will fall off if I go near his belly button...he's convinced.
I remember the shampoo boat that sank... That's why the sea goes all white when boats go fast. Isn't it?

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