To not want to go out with my pretty friend

(54 Posts)
guccigirl666 Thu 13-Dec-12 22:36:48

I know I ABU, but I can't help but dread nights out with my close friend. She is lovely, and very attractive. I am rather plain, and every time we go out I feel like a prized idiot as men swarm to her, one even asked if he could have a photo taken with her recently!

Meanwhile I'm stood there, feeling awkward and ugly. I now dread going out with her, even though she is a v good friend. We don't have any mutual friends so we tend to go out just us 2. We are due to be having some drinks tomorrow night and I just don't want to, I always come home feeling shit, last time we went out the guy she was talking to referred to me as a "grower" hmm.

WorraLorraTurkey Thu 13-Dec-12 22:38:54

Does it matter if men 'flock' to her?

I mean does she spend all night talking to them and ignoring you?

squeakytoy Thu 13-Dec-12 22:40:51

Attractive is not just stunning beauty, it is personality. Not every bloke in the world is drop dead gorgeous either. The world is not full of beautiful people.

Stop being so critical of yourself and putting yourself down. If you stand at your mates side with nothing to say and a miserable face then you are right, nobody will make any effort to talk to you.

Minshu Thu 13-Dec-12 22:43:20

I have been in that situation, so understand the feelings you describe. But, over the years nights out have tended to become focused around food and there are fewer opportunities for being chatted up in restaurants. Also, we're all getting older and plainer, so less to worry about grin how much do you value her company?

tetleymel Thu 13-Dec-12 22:44:35

what's a grower?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 22:45:33

You need to boost your confidence. I have a friend who is 6 foot of blonde, slim, tanned, white-toothed gorgeous. On my hen night she confided drunkenly that she was so pleased me and my friends liked her because she never had female friends. She was bullied at school and had a miserable time. Because we are all convinced of our own awesomeness confident, she had people to hang out with. Very touching.

Also, go to gay clubs with her if you are straight. That way, she will only get hit on by girls and you won't be jealous, well not as much.

PickledInAPearTree Thu 13-Dec-12 22:46:28

Are you both single and hoping to chat to nice men when your out?

guccigirl666 Thu 13-Dec-12 22:47:51

I greatly value her company, we have known each other since we were 7! She is very into nights out and does enjoy the attention (as I'm sure most would!) so men often end up staying with us for prolonged periods. I have made efforts to join in but end up feeling stupid as they are only interested in talking with her.

I took a 'grower' to mean not attractive at first but warms to you as you speak, but it was said in quite an insulting way. Felt utterly shit after that!

Morloth Thu 13-Dec-12 22:48:34

It isn't her fault she is beautiful. Why should she be judged on the actions of others?

What MrsTerry says is true, one of my friends is quite astonishingly beautiful, like stop traffic sort of level. She has been treated like shit over the years because people make assumptions based on what she looks like.

Judge your friend on her actions, not on those around her.

guccigirl666 Thu 13-Dec-12 22:50:43

Haha, love the gay club idea! No, I have a dp and she has one as of last week! I guess the main issue is my own confidence or lack of, I just find I only feel this way after going out with her as my other friends are as plain as me don't get the same attention.

guccigirl666 Thu 13-Dec-12 22:52:17

I'm not judging my friend at all, I tried to make it clear I greatly value her friendship and we are very close. But I can't help how the reactions of other people make me feel

maddening Thu 13-Dec-12 22:57:02

It's boring to sit their while your friend flirts with men all night so Yanbu - maybe go somewhere like a restaurant where you won't have ramdoms coming up to chat then back to yours/her's for coffees /wine and a DVD smile

Ps it would be fine in a group of you as you wouldn't be left sat talking to no-one but just the 2 of you it's a bit rude on her part.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 23:03:38

Morloth you and I should start a charity for the stunning beautiful who can't make friends.

gucci you can't help how you feel but you can boost your own confidence.

StuntGirl Thu 13-Dec-12 23:04:29

I'm sure everyone will come on to tell you what a horrible cow you are but YANBU to not feel like going on a night out with a beautiful friend. You would be unreasonable if you actually didn't go out with her for that reason, but you're not doing that so its ok!

I have been in your position and its hard to feel that blow to your self esteem every week, but try and focus on the reasons she's such an amazing friend to you, and the reasons why YOU are awesome too!

Since you both have partners now maybe use that as a good excuse to get rid of men trying to talk to you both all night too. Hope you enjoy your night out OP!

Morloth Thu 13-Dec-12 23:09:18

Extremes are always a problem MrsTerry.

Luckily, I was not cursed so. On the good side of average works for me.

If your friend is flirting and excluding you OP, then YANBU. If however she is literally fending them off and trying to have a night out with you then YABU.

BluelightsAndSirens Thu 13-Dec-12 23:09:45

You should arrange your nights out around food in a resturant so you get to catch up, eat lovely food and share some wine.

I'm happily married and only go out every now and then and find men that will approach a complete stranger are odd and kind of egged on by friends, it all feels quite pretend and vom so we now stick to a table and food, less chance of being bothered.

Or is it that your friend enjoys the attention and is using you as her chaperon whilst she flirts?

Ahh now I understand why no one wants to come out with me. I'm obviously way too attractive. grin

There's me thinking it was because I'm the only single person and the only one with a child.

I have a glam friend like this grin Honestly OP just let it flow past you. Men on night's out are incredibly shallow, let them flock and just ignore it.

Please though dont tell her how you feel. My friend did when i was in the opposite situation to you (i am not saying i am gorgeous or anything but my friend has a "look" sort of gothicy that guys round here dont go for and so tend to chat me up and not her) and it made me feel shitty. I dont want to be chatted up- i am very happily married and my friend was single until v recently- but it made me not want to go out with her because i didnt want to upset her. like it was my fault which it wasnt because it didnt make those men fancy me instead of her. I know it cant be nice to feel outshone but it isnt her fault and she probably would do without the attention if she had the choice.

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 13-Dec-12 23:20:46

Ah, I know this one. As an awkward gangly teenager, with a friend who was absolutely beautiful, talented, intelligent, great personality etc. etc. Doesn't do much for the confidence.

Your friend doesn't sound great though, as a friend - if she is spending time flirting with random drunk men and ignoring you when you have gone out together.

guccigirl666 Thu 13-Dec-12 23:21:59

My friend is lovely and I'm sure if she knew how I felt she'd be horrified. But I'd never want to put her in a position where I know she'd feel bad. She is very sociable and likes the attention so is happy for them to continue to buy her drinks which involves them sticking around us usually, I feel embarrassed when they ask to get her a drink and then either don't get me one or feel they have to get me one, I just find the whole thing very awkward.

I have tried to make our nights more about eating nice food etc but she loves to go out and that's her preference. I'm thinking I may just have to get too drunk to care/notice tomorrow shock

Yes knocking back the alcohol sounds good.

I think you just have to be comfortable in your own skin OP. I'll never be as pretty, attractive or glam as my friend but I'm happy with who I am, I have enough friends, a husband who loves me, kids, even a ruddy dog who adores me (and tbh all that attention looks pretty tiresome as well).

PickledInAPearTree Thu 13-Dec-12 23:28:29

Yes to being comfortable. There is always someone better looking than everyone else, but you got to believe in yourself a bit more.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Thu 13-Dec-12 23:31:55

I don't think YABU at all, in fact your friend is quite rude to do this.

squeakytoy Fri 14-Dec-12 00:00:28

"She is very sociable and likes the attention so is happy for them to continue to buy her drinks"

She cant help her looks, but using them to get mugs to buy her drinks is cheap.

WayneDeer Fri 14-Dec-12 00:15:04

I was a grim skelly weirdy child who was really bullied at primary and terrified at the bigness of big school
By the time I realised I wasn't terrifying I'd spent years thinking
I was.

It doesn't matter how you friend looks...it all changes over time
Yabu ( vvvvv)

UndercatWorldStrike Fri 14-Dec-12 00:58:47

OMG. Please be yourself. There is only one you in the world so please be delighted being you. Looks and stuff are lovely, but be yourself. You, yourself are beautiful.All of us are. We can't help it. 'you will have a great life, wether or not you are conventionally beautiful. Nightclubs are not the best place for finding any truth in life. Just a good place to dance and enjoy yourself.

HairyGrotter Fri 14-Dec-12 07:08:25

I bet your friend finds the attention a little tiring after a while, if she were honest. I used to be VERY overweight, always told 'Oh, it's a shame as you have such a pretty face' and I always used to be the 'fat one' of the group when we went out.

I lost 4st, (still need to shift a few but I'm tall so carry it off well), and now I'm the 'pretty one' of the group and it's quite alarming and disconcerting sometimes.

Work on yourself, so what if she's pretty? She's the one having to tell blokes to nob off (she's probably polite, I've yet to learn the polite way). I really hope you go out, and more importantly, enjoy yourself!

drizzlecake Fri 14-Dec-12 07:55:40

I remember having a v good looking pal - she would get the good looking guy and I got the other - who most of the time turned out to be much better fun, much wittier and a better catch.

Tell her you want her to flirt only with blokes with a mate, you don't want to sit like a stooge beside her and her smarmy admirers.

MoomieAndFreddie Fri 14-Dec-12 07:58:19

thats sad OP

i don't think its your friend thats the problem, or your perceived plain looks, i am sure there is nothing wrong with you, you just need to boost your self esteem

why do we women beat ourselves up so much? sad

EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree Fri 14-Dec-12 08:08:47

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask her to turn blokes away that offer to buy drinks and explain why; this does create a real barrier to your enjoyment of each others' company.

Otherwise, remember the Twits: 'You can have a crooked nose, wonky mouth and double chin, but if you think nice thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look beautiful.'

smile

If she's a good friend i don't see why you can't speak some truth. Tell her you sometimes feel uncomfortable because of all the male attention she gets when it seems to be negative to you, that you know it's not her fault but it affects your confidence in yourself . What did she say about the Grower comment, because i would have told the person in question to go away and stop being rude.

Maybe suggest new places to go to? Tell her that you don't like a certain place and don't want to go in it if you know it attracts this. Hopefully you can compromise.

blueemerald Fri 14-Dec-12 08:37:44

If a friend of mine had a partner and let/encouraged strangers to buy her drinks in a bar I'd definitely say something about it to her!

DancingInTheMoonlight Fri 14-Dec-12 08:43:24

Turn the grower comment on its head and take it as a compliment. I would see it as meaning that your personality won him over and made you more attractive to him. That's a much bigger deal than being physically attractive!

megandraper Fri 14-Dec-12 08:44:59

It sounds really boring to hang out with someone who is spending their evening flirting with strangers and getting them to buy her drinks.

Is your friend using you as a wingman? (i.e. someone to accompany her on her flirty-fishing trips?) That would annoy me too. Nights out with a friend should be about enjoying their company - esp when you are coupled up (whether or not your friend is). Perhaps she needs to find someone else to go with her on her flirty nights out, and to see you when she wants to spend time with you.

purrpurr Fri 14-Dec-12 08:56:44

Methinks those that are saying you are being unreasonable have not had to suffer this kind of night out or this kind of friendship. Those saying to stop beating herself up are nice, but be realistic, we can't all be beautiful. I'm as plain as an old suitcase and I'm very comfortable with my lot these days. I have good self esteem and the OP could well have good self esteem too. Good self esteem is not dependent upon telling yourself you're beautiful when you're not. It's appreciating yourself through and through with a realistic respect of your own values.

That said, when I was younger I went out for nights out with a gorgeous woman for a couple of years and my self esteem ended up in tatters. Men would flock to her and buy her drinks and she always entertained them, she loved the positive attention - despite being gorgeous, her self esteem wasn't the best. Unfortunately mine was actually OK at the start but always being given a cursory nod before being ignored ruined my self perception. Nobody would choose to stand beside a more beautiful person forever. You want to feel beautiful sometimes too. And if you can't feel beautiful, you still want to feel good - I'm plain but I'm warm and nice and funny and I know stuff. Beside my beautiful friend, I was plain and not able to really contribute to conversation because there was zero interest in what I was going to say. That wasn't me being boring and cats-bum-faced, that was just how it was.

Helltotheno Fri 14-Dec-12 08:56:56

She is very sociable and likes the attention so is happy for them to continue to buy her drinks which involves them sticking around us usually,

Don't like the sound of her OP. She sounds shallow tbh. If she's all about the male attention, you shouldn't go out with her just the two of you. Is there a gang you could organise to go with you so that it's not all focussed on her?
What about in future just meeting her on nights in, restaurants, coffee etc?
If she had any sensitivity, she'd know you're not comfortable with it and wouldn't tolerate insulting comments being made by men towards you... if she was a real friend that is.

Hopefully Fri 14-Dec-12 09:40:26

I had a friend like this (I think everyone has had a friend like this at some point? Except maybe Miranda Kerr). I realised eventually that (a) her idea of a good night out (being bought drinks, getting attention) was not my idea of a good night out, and (b) the problem was mine to solve, not hers. She was getting everything she wanted.

I started only doing things like meals out in restaurants (fewer chat up oops) or takeaway together. Initially that worked fine but actually we grew apart as she simply wanted that attention more than she wanted me. Fair enough! Showed me that the friendship was different for both of us.

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 14-Dec-12 09:50:31

I'm not liking the sound of your friend very much.

Does she want to go out and socialise with you, catch up on the last couple of weeks and spend time in your company.

Or does she want to go out, pretend she is single accepting drinks from strangers and have them hanging around you all night only taking to her whilst you are standing around wishing you had stayed in and finished your ironing?

If it was me I would try changing the dynamic, tell her you are past being her side kick and would next time prefer a table in Nando's for a catch up.

Sorry, but your posts make it sound like you are tagging along so she doesn't have to go out caging free drinks off men on her own sad

alwayswashingup Fri 14-Dec-12 10:01:12

I had this in my teenage, early adult life. When I used to go out with girls and even ladies later on, they would make comments about how a dress didn't look nice on me, or my hair was too long, just comments that would put my confidence down, wheareas the boys/men always paid me alot of attention. I had such a low self esteem due to these females putting me down, and honestly never did I get a compliment from a female. It wasn't really till my adult life that I realised that they were just jealous, it was my then boyfriend, now husband that made me look in the mirror and love myself. My daughter is going through something similar, where her friends often put her down, she actually is starting to think she is unattractive ( she is 9 ) and calls herself ugly. I am biased but she is stunning, a mini jessica alba smile

SherbetVodka Fri 14-Dec-12 10:08:01

alwayswashingup with respect, that's not what's happening here. OP is not complaining that her friend is putting her down. She's saying that she is being ignored and insulted by men on nights out, who are only interested in talking to her prettier friend. Quite different from the situation you've described, awful as it must be for you and your daughter.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 14-Dec-12 10:11:22

YANBU

I don't think your friend sounds lovely, I think she sounds shallow and cheap - and perhaps as if she enjoys the contrast between the two of you. She should be waving these blokes away, not accepting drinks and having a fun evening with you, rather than using you as some company while she has her ego massaged.

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 14-Dec-12 10:26:27

Out of interest how old are you and your friend op?

DazedAndVeryConfused Fri 14-Dec-12 11:12:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer Fri 14-Dec-12 11:32:47

Your friend sounds like a pita, chatting to randoms and flirting when out with just one other friend. Rude, needy and shallow.

I had friends like this when we were 18, but they grew up! And beautiful friends who get attention politely decline to talk to men, because they're out with friends!

guccigirl666 Fri 14-Dec-12 11:58:44

We are 23, she is very sociable and loves to meet new people. Without giving away too much info and 'outing' myself, she is new to the area and misses her hometown very much so I think that accounts for some of her eagerness at striking conversation etc with these men. The problem is the guys are not interested in even talking to me in the slightest, I will make effort and kind of laugh at jokes being told etc but just feel like I look ridiculous even trying to make conversation in the end as they just want to talk to my friend.

I think she doesn't notice me fading away into the background and genuinely think she'd be upset to realise. We have had a few meals and quiet drinks in family pubs recently but I can't keep putting off a night out and feel I just seem so boring constantly suggesting lower key things. She has travelled a lot and met many interesting people and likes to party!

SherbetVodka Fri 14-Dec-12 12:22:51

Maybe if you invited her out with some of your other friends, you'd feel less uncomfortable when she got chatted up as you'd still have other people to talk to and she'd possibly feel less needy of this kind of attention if her social circle expanded?

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 14-Dec-12 12:33:26

Yes! Let her meet your friends, she isn't going to widen her own social circle this way, these men arnt buying her drinks all night to be her friend wink

I'm ancient compared to you but have always been hmm when it comes to going out and being bought for company with expectations attached to it.

I lost contact with a really nice lady because her idea of a Saturday night out was only taking a tenner which wasn't intended for drinks or her taxi home hmm so degrading watching her hang around the bar fluttering her eye lashes and pushing her tits further towards her chin.

Not my idea of a fun night out at all!

PeppermintPasty Fri 14-Dec-12 13:21:01

Well, she doesn't sound like a great friend to you. In my 20s I had an absolutely gob smackingly beautiful colleague/friend who was funny and clever to boot. Now I'm not bad but only my dad ever said I was beautiful (aaah darling dad grin ).

She would literally stop traffic when we went out, and stupid idiots
men would run across the road to try to talk to her. She was always polite unless they got too much (they were ALWAYS too much), and she would never ever make us feel like lesser mortals. In fact I used to seethe at these men on her behalf and sometimes tell them to eff orf -she could never let her hair down and relax as she was always fending them off.

She did find it tiresome, and quite liked going out with a gang of good friends, both male and female, for obvious reasons. But she never made us feel like crap. Perhaps you should have a word?

Lavenderhoney Fri 14-Dec-12 14:01:53

I used to go out with a friend, we both had dp, and men used to send over bottles of champagne to our table for me and a request to join me for a drink. ( we used to work together) I always smiled and sent them back with a nice wave and a sorry, I'm here with my friend and we want to chat to each other, plus we have dp) my friend was always upset as she said no one had ever offered to buy her drinks. She was lovely but with no self confidence.

I had another friend, not classically beautiful, who was very confident and if any man came over would stick her hand out with a " hi, I'm x" and monopolise the conversation! One said to me 'I came to talk to you, but your mate has something" I just laughed and said that would be why I was her friendsmile

Invite someone else with you when you go out. Sounds like you are her wingman for nights out she wouldn't normally have. Or go to a restaurant and meet there.. Not in a bar first.

MooncupGoddess Fri 14-Dec-12 14:06:14

I have a friend like this. I once went to the loo and came back to find her surrounded by about eight men!

But it doesn't sound much fun for you, so stick to your guns and only agree to go to restaurants with a drink before/after but not as the main event.

LaQueen Fri 14-Dec-12 14:11:42

Very few people are physically beautiful - that's why they're so (supposedly) valued by society, because what they have is quite rare.

So, bit pointless stressing about it. Just focus on being chatty and open, and keep smiling. If you're stood there feeling awkward - then you will be giving out an awkward vibe which men will pick up on.

My ex was a stunning'y beautiful bloke, he looked like an Armani model - girls would virtually trample over me to get to him. So I know a bit how you feel.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Fri 14-Dec-12 14:30:45

I agree she doesn't sound like much of a friend. True, she has something rare and special and she can't help that - but she can act appropriately in the circumstances.
To me, acting appropriately would be graciously smiling and making it clear she's there to talk to her friend and doesn't need drinks bought or the rapt attention of an unknown male to make her evening. Bat them away rather than beckon them in.
And if she insists on going to to pick-up joints rather than the more low-key options you suggest, you'll know she's agyer an ego-boostand puts that above your comfort and enjoyment of the evening.

samandi Fri 14-Dec-12 19:37:49

Sorry, but if she values random men buying her drinks over catching up with a close friend (and at that friend's expense) she doesn't seem much of a friend to me.

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