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To want to have a clumsy tantrum

(52 Posts)
Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:17:10

Hi... just wanted to ask a wwyd? and would IBU....

Was invited to my lovely MIL for dinner last night - shes very thoughtful, it was my birthday, my husband is away and she knew I would be on my own. She had invited some of the family and generally made a fuss.

All was going well, left 4 year old DD on sofa with blanket whilst i went to nappy change the little one, i realised that I had left the sudocream in the change bag downstairs and heard an exchange between MIL and SIL's... I know eavesdropping always end in trouble but I have to admit I am very nosey. It appears that my SIL's are trying to persuade my MIL to "uninvite" me to xmas day dinner. Apparently the kids are too much of a hand full and it will take away the kind of xmas they want. They suggested they all come to clumsys early morning with a picnic breakfast to watch the kids open presents but leave it at that.

I am actually really really hurt by this, I have no family nearby and whilst I am meeting new people through the children i dont know anyone well enough outside the family with who i can share xmas day with. My mil sounded like she was on the verge of tears- which i feel horrible about. MIL said she will speak with me.

My SIL's although not close, are friendly enough. They always make effort on birthdays and fuss over the children... I cant think of anything that the children may have said or done to make them uninvitable...

I really can't understand why a day thats (in my opinion) all about the children means excluding mine at a family xmas day dinner. Btw, DH has a very big family, they have always come to MILand everyone chips in and its always lovely.. but my children are the youngest (my DH is the youngest of the family with a 12 year age gap between him and youngest SIL).

So, what do i do? WWYD? a part of me wants to save myself and MIL the humiliation by pulling out on my own accord... offer to come to MIL/FIL for breakfast or them come to mine but say dinner may be too much for the children. OR Do I sit it out and wait to see what is said? Or, do I raid the rainy day fund and fly out to my family and not tell any of them where I am (thats not even an option ...really ... wish it was).

I have really no one else that I can talk to ...Thanks if you have managed to stay awake this long...

FivesGoldNorks Thu 13-Dec-12 14:20:35

What a selfish bunch! Can you invite mil to yours nd make it clear they don't fit in with your idea of a perfect Christmas?

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:32

First of all ((hugs)). Your MiL does sound lovely and I feel so sorry for you and her sad

What do you want to do? If you do go, it will be tainted as you'll know SiL--is a nasty bitch face cow-- doesn't want you or her brother there.

Is it too late to organise a nice family Xmas for you guys and tell them to go fuck themselves if they think they are coming for breakfast?

Sounds like your SiL wants all the joy of the youngsters opening their presents and then a meal for grown ups - with no excited dcs. In which case tough tits to her.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:34

I don't have any suggestions, that sounds awful and hurtful. You and your poor DC. Will your DH away at Christmas too?

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:58

strike out fail

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 14:24:50

Clumsy I don't know what to say, if the celebrations are under MIL's roof I don't see why SILs get to dictate who gets (un)invited. Have you told DH? Won't he be sad at being excluded?!

If your own family is far away it's lovely that MIL has been at pains to make you welcome. The SILs presumably enjoyed Grandma being hostess when their DCs were little. I'd run it by DH see what he reckons.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Thu 13-Dec-12 14:26:42

I would have a quiet, polite word with MIL, when I'd had a chance to clam down, and say that I'd overheard what was said, that i understood that it put her in an awkward position and would she prefer you to make other arrangements.

Your SILs are bitches to try and make her choose between them and her youngest grand children angry

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:27:07

Yes DH isnt due back until at least April ...

The thing i dont understand is.. its my first xmas on my own without him and i now have 2 kids... by SIL are so not bitchy, it just seems so weird that they would want this.

I hate confrontation - i may just suggest it to MIL that we go to them for breakfast (I really dont have the space to accomadate everyone at mine as family start turning up on the 23rd onwards) at least then i can choose to end it when i want to by walking out.

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:28:07

Purples right. You were hardly eavesdropping, SiL knew you were there and your MiL will appreciate you for it.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:29:41

Purple, thank you i think thats what rationale me thinks. My DH would absolutely hit the roof.. hes fiercly protective of the kids, we skyped last week and him and DD excitedly chatting away about xmas and how nom nom(thats what she calls grandma) will be making sprouts for granda...

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:27

Firthermore FIL might feel swamped by womenfolk he might like his son and family to come over.

You'll probably want to establish your own traditions at some point and maybe next year plan ahead to be with your family but this is short notice and why should SILs take charge let alone swan over like Ladies Bountiful to yours then exit for a dinner excluding their brother and younger more beautiful accomplished SIL...

SugaricePlumFairy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:28

That is so sad that SiL's is being such bitches! I'm angry on your behalf angry

You and dd's on your own on Christmas day while close family are nearby having the day without you, it's unthinkable really.

What would your dh think I wonder?

TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:33

Oh Love. Didn't realise this was your first Xmas without dh too sad.

SugaricePlumFairy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:31:05

x posts , I am a slow typer. grin

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 14:32:01

Sorry just read your DH will be absent, even more reason not to isolate you!

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Thu 13-Dec-12 14:34:36

So they want you to spend Christmas day on your own with your kids, because they think your kids are too young.

What was mils response? Are you sure she didn't say she finds having the kids round hard. I just can't think of a reason they think this is ok.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Thu 13-Dec-12 14:35:03

That's so sad. I'm not surprised you're hurt by it, I would be too. It's hard enough having your first Christmas with your DH (is he in the forces?) but to then be made to feel that you're intruding on a "grown-up" Christmas is unthinkably rude behaviour by your SIL.

I agree that a gentle chat with MIL would be the way forward. She needs to know that you're aware of her being in an awkward position thanks to her daughter and that you'd like to know what to do.


I'd speak to mil, tell her you overheard what sil said. It's bloody mean when your sil knows dh is away and you will be on your own.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Thu 13-Dec-12 14:36:20

This is awful.

By the way I would have told them all I heard and then gone and sobbed to dh about it.

I would have also told sils to not bother coming to see kids open presents.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:38:28

Im going to call my MIL, I dont really think I can leave it any longer. I left yesterday quite quickly after that even though my SIL inisisted that she would pay for a taxi and FIL would drop car round early next morning so that I could enjoy my birthday.

I have this angry tone in my voice at the moment though that I need to shift, Im not angry MIL... or SIL but just dont understand why.

My SILs are treated like royalty in my IL's home.. as actually am I. They are all very close, for example youngest SIL moved in with her DH and three kids for nearly 7 months last year whilst they were waiting for their new home to be built. They told MIL one week before they were due to move in. She took them in and never said a word! DH and i stayed with them for 3 months when i was pregnant second time around as I had to take a long period of bed rest and found it impossible to run around after DD. I was waited on hand and foot and didnt want to leave!

roseamongstthorns Thu 13-Dec-12 14:38:44

Poor you! What horrible SILs - hopefully karma will get them one day.

I think you should think about the most important players in this scenario - your children (and you) who will be spending Christmas without their daddy. If you and they would be happiest at your MIL's house, then forget you heard what you did and go there and have a lovely time and try to ignore the SILs as best you can.

If you let your SILs get their way they have won their selfish battle and the majority of you, including your MIL will be sad.

Good luck - and hugs x

wineandroses Thu 13-Dec-12 14:39:45

If I was in your position, I would be feeling pretty upset and I would make damned sure they knew I'd overheard their conversation. I feel sorry for MIL being in the middle of this, but really, knowing that you are alone with the children as DH is away, why didn't she just so No to their mean-spirited request?

Anyway, MIL might not even say anything to you, if she doesn't want to rescind the invitation, but you may feel that you really wouldn't enjoy yourself now that you know how SILs really feel. In which case, don't go, but tell everyone why. And no invites for breakfast either!

Sorry, you may not want to spoil Christmas lunch for them, but why should they get away with pushing you out and still have a lovely time?

Bet DH won't be happy when he hears about it either.

Fakebook Thu 13-Dec-12 14:41:08

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TheHoneyDragonsDrunkInTheIvy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:41:59

I think your SiL is used to bring spoilt. And that your dcs will ruin and Xmas where she is looked after.

Nyancat Thu 13-Dec-12 14:44:15

Good luck with the phone call, I would gently tell her that you overheard and ask if she wants to change plans. Hopefully this would help her to maybe say why sil's are saying this. I would do that rather than changing plans with no explanation to your mil.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:45:36

I try not to go into to tell DH too much when hes on deployment as I dont like him to be worrying about whats going on here. Also he has the sort of temper that he would be very likely say something out of turn to MIL, and not really think about the position that she is in.

youarewinning Thu 13-Dec-12 14:49:17

Oh love, that sounds awful situation to be in. Your MIL sounds marvelous though!

I agree a compromise may be needed but not the breakfast one. If you really don't want to feel uncomfortable after overhearing the conversation how about sugessting they have an adult morning whilst the DC's open pressies at home from you and DH and then go to MIL in the afternoon for lunch.

I use to go to mums all day on Christmas day but as LP with a young DS (the only child) I always felt out of place.Now we do the afternoon thing. My brother is forces and is always home over christmas at mum and dads whilst his girlfriend is at her mums. My sister now has a DS who's just turned 1 and they do her DP's parents on xmas morning!
Basically they have an adult morning, child centered afternoon and then I drop my brother at his girlfirends on the way home and mum and dad have lots a few drinks in peace!

Personally I agree your SIL is being a cow to discuss it whilst your present - my solution is only if YOU decide to make it shorter after hearing it.

Right you need to get on the phone to your SIL and tell her what you heard.

You need to be calm and say how you're feeling and how surprised you are.

Christmas is all about kids isn't it? What sort of Christmas do they want?

It doesn't have to be a confrontation

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 14:52:18

I literally can't believe that your SILs want you to eat Christmas dinner alone with the DC while their DB is deployed. What bitches.

I really think you should communicate calmly and truthfully with MIL. Say what you heard, say that you understand she is in a difficult position and say what you want. Don't sweep it under the rug, it will fester.

EldritchCleavage Thu 13-Dec-12 14:54:46

By all means have your PIL over to Xmas breakfast, but not your SIL, after what they've cooked up. It really does smack of selfishness.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 14:59:17

I know I can't let it be swept under the carpet.

I'm jut trying to think of my MIL and her position, she is really the only person I have here for me right now, I dont want her to feel bad or awakward..

I think Eldrith it is selfish, i know there have been times when the older GC have wanted to watch something and DD and DS have spoilt it for them but they are young...

Im also glad I had overheard, how humiliating would it have been if MIL says nothing and I was there at xmas dinner not knowing that they all felt we were spoiling their xmas

Lemonylemon Thu 13-Dec-12 15:03:00

"I'm jut trying to think of my MIL and her position, she is really the only person I have here for me right now, I dont want her to feel bad or awakward.. "

Actually, that's too bad. Her daughter has behaved appallingly and your MIL should be pulling her up on it.

I'd maybe have the PIL over for breakfast and you and your DCs spend the day by yourselves doing lovely things.

SugaricePlumFairy Thu 13-Dec-12 15:08:03

I understand why you wouldn't want your dh upset isn't he going to question you if he finds out that you won't be at MiL's on Christmas Day?

Hopefully MiL will insist that you and dc's are there.

I can't believe they'd be comfortable knowing there's the three of you at Home Christmas Day while they celebrate together.

BridgetBidet Thu 13-Dec-12 15:32:58

Doesn't your brother live nearby? He wassupposed to be helping set up at your daughters birthday party remember? The shared one with the twins and the pirate bouncy castle all the fuss was over?

maddening Thu 13-Dec-12 15:34:20

Where do your parents live? Is it to late for you to arrange to visit them? Go down the Monday and come back on the Thursday.

Tbh I would have to tell her that I had overheard and that it had hurt me to hear their discussion.

wineandroses Thu 13-Dec-12 15:49:54

I think this all needs to come out into the open, and that can only happen once you've talked to MIL. It also gives SILs an opportunity to apologise and explain why they said what they said. If that happened, it might smooth everything over prior to Christmas.

Once you've had conversations, you should probably update DH so he knows what's going on. He will be furious with everyone, including you, if you don't go and no-one's tried to resolve it.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 16:38:42

Thank you Bridget, I do know my own family hmm my brother went home to our family for thanksgiving and wont be back until 15th January, after which time he is only here until mid march when he returns home for good. But thanks for the reminder.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 16:39:29

Maddening, my parents are in the states. I moved here 12 years ago to be with DH..

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 17:17:33

This thread is making my blood boil. The SILs know that your family are in a different country and your DH is deployed and they don't want you at Christmas dinner. I am angry.

Even if your DC were, in order; Damien; Chucky; that girl from The Ring I would still not have you alone in this situation on Christmas.

Fakebook Thu 13-Dec-12 17:27:33

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ourmaninthenorth Thu 13-Dec-12 17:43:04

What a dreadful situation to be in.

I think you should call your MIL and explain how you feel to her, and how you don;t want her to find herself in this position. Then ask what she really wants. Go along with it, and (even if you don't like it) don't hold it against her.

Then straight away, call the relevant SIL(s). Explain the conversaiton you've just had, and explain you're doing as agreed with your MIL. Tell them that, when their brother is back home from his duties, you'll spend Christmas in the US or just at home as a little family unit and leave them to explain that to their parents and brother.

Oh, and don't forget to wish everyone a very merry Christmas!

So sad and angry that your SILs are being so heartless. Although it will no doubt be an awkward phone call, if I were in your shoes, I would have to let MIL know I'd heard the exchange as that will relieve some of the burden she feels about knowing your SILs' views. Hope you manage to smooth everything over in time for Christmas...

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 13-Dec-12 17:51:07

12 years is a big age gap but I just can't fathom why the SILs are so unkind. Surely a decent person reaches out to incomers especially on their own at this time of year, and it's not as if you only met DH a week ago!

If you do phone your MIL whatever the outcome I wouldn't bother contacting SILs and I'd hold off mentioning to DH until you have decided what to do. Could you even get flights to visit your family this close to 25th?

StinkyWicket Thu 13-Dec-12 18:25:02

I feel really sad that this has happened. Have you called your MIL yet?

Rudolphstolemycarrots Thu 13-Dec-12 19:50:58

In your shoes ..... text her

'Hi SIL. I over heard you talking to MIL the other day, wanting to uninvite us. You said you wouldn't get the Xmas you want due to my children being badly behaved'

Then leave her to reply

Rudolphstolemycarrots Thu 13-Dec-12 19:52:58

Or ring and say how hurt you are and relay what you heard to MIL.

Plan A: talk to MIL about it in a nice sensible grown-up fashion

Plan B: phone the SIL and gush to her about how lonely you are without dh and how hard it is to look after your little children on your own and how much you're looking forward to Christmas at MIL's and how kind it is of her (SIL) to want to include you and your children and [breathe] how her general awesome loveliness is making a difficult time so much easier to bear. What with your dh being deployed and your family in another country and you on your own with small children and all that. And it is so hard. And she is sooooo kind. Then listen to her squirm.

It is possible that your MIL has no intention of either telling you or changing any plans, of course, and has told SIL off for being selfish, and no one was going to hurt you by telling you.

MammaTJ Thu 13-Dec-12 20:12:16

Clumsy, just wanted to say, the things you have said on here have dispelled any teeny tiny doubts I had about your previous thread.

This is an awful position to be in. I would say have a good hard look at your DCs behaviour. ANY doubt that what the SIL said may be true?

No? Then have a word with MIL and tell her what you heard. She is the hostess, it is up to her who she invites.

IWishIWasSheRa Thu 13-Dec-12 20:15:42

You poor thing, you sound lovely! I would ring mil and say " I overheard what sil said and just wanted to ask you honestly if the kids really are a handful or if she is just not used to kids behaviour generally? I'll leave it with you to decide about what she said as I am not going to put any of us in a situation where it's awkward. I think the world of you and we will absolutely not fall out" then see what she says, good luck!

Sexolette Thu 13-Dec-12 21:23:42

Fakebook- just stop reading the thread if it bothers you so much.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 21:29:49

I don't care about coffees or dogs... Maybe I do need to objectively stand back and think about how my DCs are perceived by others. For me they are my world, but they are my only source of human contact the majority of the time... I need to think about this, maybe talk to some RL friends .. I would never tell DH, where he is, what his life is ... In comparison this a storm in a plastic child's tea cup.

Clumsyoaf Thu 13-Dec-12 21:33:32

Or child's plastic even. Going to bed, the heating has broken down nice to cuddle up to the body heat of the children!

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