To think it's not normal to regularly call your teenage daughter a 'fucking little slut'

(55 Posts)
Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:40:31

And that it's verging on abusive.

AIBU?

Cherylkerl Thu 13-Dec-12 09:43:02

That's not verging on. That is abusive. Not normal.

ImperialSantaKnickers Thu 13-Dec-12 09:43:49

No, it is not normal.

MrsKeithRichards Thu 13-Dec-12 09:43:51

That's vile.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:45:09

I was that teenager. It was my dad that called me it, amongst other things. He seems to think it was ok

caramelwaffle Thu 13-Dec-12 09:46:36

It is abusive.

MrsKeithRichards Thu 13-Dec-12 09:47:00

God no, what an awful way to grow up. Have you tried talking about it with his I take it? I hope you can get some support to deal with this.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 13-Dec-12 09:47:32

Verging on abusive? How about very, very abusive shock

What a horrible man. I bet you were nothing of the sort anyway, but even if you shagged the Brigade of Guards in the hallway on a nightly basis no parent should even think, let alone use, terms like that about their own child.

littlewhitebag Thu 13-Dec-12 09:47:45

That is not right and is emotionally abusive. Who is doing this? Is any of it justified in the eyes of the person saying it? Is the teenager going out late, wearing provocative clothing/make up, seeing boys? Normal teen behaviour which they are not liking? This parent needs help!

monal Thu 13-Dec-12 09:48:01

My mum did that, bless her. I was such a little shrinking violet as well at the time. She would deny it now though. Good times.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:48:09

My parents were both what I deem to be emotionally abusive to me. I've tried to tackle them both but they've always made out I'm the awkward one, I was difficult to get on with, they were good parents etc etc etc. Apparently it was all my fault and if I behaved like other children did it wouldnt' have happened. I also used to get hit regularly, last time was when I was about 20 and living at home.

helpyourself Thu 13-Dec-12 09:48:42

It's abusive. Are you ok crumpetlover?

littlewhitebag Thu 13-Dec-12 09:48:51

Okay - i now see it was you that was called this. I assume you are older now? Does it still rankle? How is he with you now?

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:48:57

No, no slut like behaviour at all from me. I was just a normal teenager.

MayaAngelCool Thu 13-Dec-12 09:50:05

What a horrible man he must have been to live with, you poor thing Crumpet. And the fact that he refuses to see it from your perspective now shows that he has very little, if any, integrity.

I would seriously question a parent's love for their child if they spoke to them like that, repeatedly.

Have you ever sought counselling for the emotional abuse? Presumably this was not an isolated insult.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:50:31

My parents are both ok with me now, but have this sort of attitude towards me like I'm difficult and I'm the black sheep of the family. I grew up thinking I was a terrible person but couldn't understand why I was this terrible person when I didn't say/do terrible things. I think they brainwashed me tbh.

I'm ok helpyourself, just feel hatred towards my parents really

littlewhitebag Thu 13-Dec-12 09:50:41

I keep x posting - sorry. It sounds like you have been both physically and emotionally abused. Is this having an ongoing effect on you? Maybe counselling would help?

My dad used to regularly call me 'dickhead' when I was a teenager. He meant it in an amusing way as it was never "fucking dickhead" or said in an argument or with hate. However, one day when I was 15, I obviously decided I'd had enough and when he called it me again I told him to "fuck off". I've never seen my dad go red and he kicked me in the leg. I ran upstairs to my room. My mum came in and started to have a go and I screamed at her that I was fed up of being called 'dickhead' and dad was lucky I hadn't told him to fuck off before. I slept for 24 straight hours and was hauled off to the doctors where I was diagnosed with depression.

He never called me anything remotely derogatory ever again.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:53:22

I've been having counselling for around a year, but I feel I can't move on from how my parents were. I limit contact with them but feel I can't move on totally unless I cut them off.

MayaAngelCool Thu 13-Dec-12 10:00:37

Crumpet, well done for taking positive steps to rid yourself of the legacy of emotional abuse. It took many years of continual put-downs to make you feel this bad about yourself; it's going to take a long time to put things right again. But you canget there. Be gentle on yourself.

Cherylkerl Thu 13-Dec-12 10:00:44

It's hard crumpet but sometimes has to be done in order to save yourself. It's a very personal decision. I've gone no-contact on my not so dear mother, it works for me. It's not easy all the time, but it's preferable to the alternative.

Counselling sounds like you're being proactive to get over a horrible time though. Hugs x

Definitely not normal crumpetlover. It was one of my mothers favourite insults too. Shortish skirt? Fucking slut. Buying anything other than poundstretchers underwear? Fucking slut. Meeting friends? Fucking slut. Messy bedroom? Fucking slut.

My mother also likes to rewrite history and claim I was an awful teen too. I have now not had contact with her for two years. Best decision ever- I have a daughter and I refuse to allow my mother to treat her like she treated me.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 10:05:24

Thank you everyone for the lovely replies smile

Statistically I too have daughters and I've noticed my parents are starting to treat them like they treated me.

With my parents, one of the main things was that I wasn't allowed to have friends. If I went to a friend's house for tea, I wouldn't get spoken to for days afterwards. Or if I said anyone else's mum or dad was nice, my mum would tell me to go and live with them and start packing a holdall of my stuff.....

Cherylkerl Thu 13-Dec-12 10:08:10

More abusive behaviour there. Normal parents want their daughter to have friends and enjoy meeting other people. Normal nice parents don't sulk and freeze out their children - even if they've done something genuinely 'bad' they still talk to them.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 13-Dec-12 10:12:47

OP, you seriously need to think about cutting contact once and for all, otherwise their behaviour will damage and hurt your DDs as it has you.

MayaAngelCool Thu 13-Dec-12 10:14:19

My dad was a sulker/ freezer-outer. It used to make me glad I'd have peace and quiet for a couple of days, so it never had the desired impact! I just thought he was acting like a child and gleefully ignored him. grin

magoosmom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:14:37

I had abusive parents too crumpetlover, emotional and physical abuse. I've been to counselling over the years and am now in therapy with a psychotherapist, I had a huge amount of hatred towards them but when I saw them recently I realised that I felt indifferent towards them. I still feel sad for having missed out on a happy childhood but I'm surprised that I can deal with them without getting in a rage. Keep going to the counselling, it really helps.

MrsHuxtable Thu 13-Dec-12 10:16:21

Crumpetlover, I could have written your post. Word for word. In fact, I did write a very similar one about a year ago about my mum. You can search my name if you like.

I'm glad you're getting therapy. You'll be a stronger person for it. Do you have DC? I found that having DD early this year changed my perspective so much and I'm not taking any crap anymore now.

TeWisBeenNargledByTheMistletoe Thu 13-Dec-12 10:17:05

They were abusive OP.

My sister used to get called slut. I was selfish.hmm

You deserve to be happy. You don't owe them anything. If you want to cut contact your therapist and MN will be right there behind you.

I got it too - favourite was "fucking selfish bitch" - it was abusive and it took me some time & lots of therapy (which replaced the consumption of lots of alcohol) to get over how badly I was treated in my teenage years.

I don't think I started to 'come right' until mid 30's. What a bloody waste!

Conflugenglugen Thu 13-Dec-12 10:20:41

Oh, crumpetlover - my heart goes out to you. Keep up with the counselling - clarity can take some time. It can take time to realise that you are not the person your parents said you were, even if you know it consciously. Un-MNetty hugs.

It's OK to cut them off. I have a nice relationship with Mum now - aided by living on the other side of the world. grin

But I didn't have contact with her for 4 years or so after I tried to talk with her about stuff (supported by my time living in a therapy based ward in early 20's after emotional breakdown) but she wasn't interested - she couldn't deal with it or take it on board. So I walked away & didn't speak to her for years. It helped.

I'm glad we are on better terms now - she never would deal with everything though - what changed is I started to see her as a flawed, damaged person who was unsupported in her own life and who had very low expectations and standards, as opposed to the all powerful dominating mother.

My friend's having a hard time with her extremely judgemental and homophobic mother too.....every text from her on certain subjects is like a slap in the face, it actually stings for me too, the way she's so uncaring and predjudiced. Sorry OP sad

My best friend calls me various names jokingly, affectionately- I've told him to cut it out so many times and he's gradually getting better. He's young so he learns.....I guess people in the 40s/50s+ are harder to change. You're better just limiting contact as much as you can.

EldritchCleavage Thu 13-Dec-12 12:15:54

Crumpet, they were horribly abusive. Whatever happens, don't let them do the same to your DDs.

Some parents take things out on their children. Especially if they don't adjust to having a child, or are having a hard time generally. Then I think they avoid feeling guilty for doing that by stigmatising the kid. So it's not that they were inadequate/couldn't control themselves/resentful/going through marital problems and not dealing with it/jealous/selfish/whatever, it's just that the child was uniquely awful and difficult.

That's what I think my PIL did to DH. They ignore the strains in their marriage, FIL not lifting a finger and leaving MIL overwhelmed, PND, failure to adjust to having two children, regrets about having another child, weirdy obsessive bonding with their pfb, SIL. No, EVERYTHING that happened was DHs' fault. He was a terrible baby, awful child, dreadful teenager, moody sod. And they will never deviate from that script.

My grandfather (who everyone in the family agreed was a 'difficult' character to say the least) used to tell my cousin that she "Looked like a bloody whore" when she went out dressed up.
This was in the 1980s.
Luckily it hasn't filtered down the generations.

angry sad

LemonBreeland Thu 13-Dec-12 12:21:47

Crumpet they were really awful and it must be very hard for you to be starting to realise that it isn't you. You weren't a bad child/teenager it was all them.

DOn't let them do this to your DC, you can't let them suffer the way you did. Hopefully you will have the strength to cut them out for the sake of your DC, and yourself so you no longer have to suffer it all.

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:24:34

My Mum did this too. She was very screwed up because of her own background. She effectively did not know how to parent in a lot of ways. She's great now though but it took a lot of rows and long silences to get here. I actually admire her now because I have been able to tell her what I expect for myself and my dc from her and she tries to meet it. No one ever really showed her a different way but I wouldn't accept it once my dc were here.

BrevilleTron Thu 13-Dec-12 12:32:21

Crumpet.
They were not good parents
They failed
You didn't fail and you won't fail as a mother because of how they didn't parent you properly.

It is not your fault

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:33:11

For some reason I accepted it for myself but could not for my dc. I remember my Dad grabbing and running my 1 year old across the room because he touched the playstation lights, really gently, just curious AND AGED ONE!angry I still get angry about it now. I said to him "it's funny that the ONLY people who think ds is being brought up badly and is naughty are you and Mum, everyone else thinks he's a lovely little boy, I won't be bringing him here again till you treat him better". It took two years for them to stop sulking.

Then they did similar with dd, that took a year of sulks. I wouldn't back down though. I was quite happy to cut them off for my dc.

Actually this was the very first thing I posted about on MN about 5 years ago.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 12:38:31

Now funnily enough EmmaFrost, my mum and dad seem to have decided my 3 year old is 'naughty' too. Even though like in your case everyone else thinks he's pretty good. Also DD1 is apparently 'difficult' just like me.

BrevilleTron Thu 13-Dec-12 12:45:26

Tell them to get stuffed
If your children are so 'difficult' then why would you want to 'impose' them on your parents
Rude miserable never satisfied gits!
Fuck them and all who sail in them

Sorry just so angry on your behalf

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:45:51

sad You need to stop this now. But you know this. It's classic what they're are doing. Transferring their toxic behaviour from you to your dc. Stamp on it strenuously. You may find yourself surprised by the results.

No one had ever told my parents before, they were furious tbh but they came round. Shame they had to miss nearly 3 years of the dc's early years before they did though. They are not perfect, especially my Dad, he can still be a right sulky chops but he'd get his head bitten off he tries anything so he keeps out of the way a lot grin.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 12:49:54

Thank you again everyone, it's great to read such supportive comments.

EmmaFrost, I remember once my mum had a big go at me in front of my DH an started insulting me. DH stepped in and told my mum there was no need for that and my mum turned to him all sugary sweet and nicely and said "I know there wouldn't normally be any excuse for this but this is how SHE makes her father and I act"

All it was that I'd asked her to feed our cat whilst we had a night away and she turned up to collect the key and was in a bad mood, then suddenly me asking her to do that was the ultimate in cheek, I was a user etc etc

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:52:52

It seems to me that many of that generation thought they OWNED their children and forgot that one day they'd be grown up, damaged adults because if that treatment. Probably not their fault a lot of the time just filtered down the generations. Times have changed, parenting is much different and much more sympathetic and thank goodness for that! So they need telling firmly and have it made quite clear to them that it will not be tolerated.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 12:54:51

Yes I think that's very true emmafrost.

I remember once as a teenager my dad making me do something and I said 'It's my life' and he said 'No it's not, it's mine, whilst you live under this roof you don't have a life' Says it all really doesn't it?

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:59:35

Sounds familiar crumpet my parents used to treat and talk to me and dsis like complete shit but couldn't do enough for other extended family members and friends. Going back to them thinking they owned us really. Honestly the only to deal with it is put your armour on and tell them quite categorically it will no longer be tolerated.

Unsurprisingly I married an abusive man. A few days after our wedding (I hadn't know him for long and he'd only just met my parents) my Mum had a long talk with him about how "difficult" I was, such "hard work" the "hardest one you could have picked" "you'll have to work hard to keep her happy". He treated me like shut and abused me on the back of it for the next 10 years. Hardly a day went by when a sentence didn't start with "well your own mother warned me about you". It was an excuse for everything, every row, every unacceptable abusive behaviour from him.

The damage is terrifyingly far reaching sad. Forty years on I am still struggling under it.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 13:03:48

I too married an abusive man, EmmaFrost. He was very physically and emotionally abusive but my parents sided with him and seemed to think his treatment of me was ok. It was all me being difficult once again and apparently I 'had to understand it's harder for him' as he worked and I didn't (he'd forced me to give up my job)

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 13:07:41

That's weird because my parents hated mine, couldn't understand why I put up with it as apparently I'd never been treated like that at home, only with kindness and respect hmm so why was I accepting it from him?! Apparently I was unable to extricate myself because I was so used to being treated well that I was too soft confused.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 13:10:38

It's almost laughable isn't it? I think we both must have totally deluded, narcissistic parents.

trumpalot Thu 13-Dec-12 13:11:36

sad post hope u ok x

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 13:15:54

Yep grin. It's funny now I am past it. Thing is once you stick up for yourself they will probably cut you off for a while. You need to be able to handle that and be ready for it. And it will probably take more than once. PM me if you want to talk more smile.

TalkativeJim Thu 13-Dec-12 13:37:45

CUT THEM OUT.

Don't let them do this to your children.

Walk away.

You sound as if you have a lovely family now - a proper family, and that you are a great mum. They're not your family and never have been! - family is about more than blood ties.

You don't need them.

You certainly don't owe them anything but contempt

You certainly don't need to appease them in any way.

You're 'difficult', are you? Really? That would be the opinion of two blinkered, nasty, controlling abusers, right? Yes, I'll totally make time for their fair and just observations...

You have all the tools within you to move on and not waste one moment more of your precious life allowing them to sully it. You can do it x

susanann Thu 13-Dec-12 16:15:05

I agree with Talkative Jim. They are awful. Sure all parents make mistakes but bloody hell! You have come out of this and are moving on. Good for you! I would say cut them out, they are poisonous! Have a great Christmas with your own little family.

peaceandlovebunny Thu 13-Dec-12 18:07:52

its not that easy to walk away.

my mother, from my earliest days, told me i wanted to have sex with my father and was trying to take her place. i had no idea what she was on about.

she's started it up again recently. i'm 55. my dad is 80. he's a surprisingly handsome man for his age, but he's my dad. she's told the nurses on her hospital ward that i want sex with him. she is mentally ill, by the way, and was probably abused as a child. but its very wearing. daughter describes my relationship with my dad as 'cordial but distant', which i think is fair.

i'll probably go and see her this weekend, have the nurses snigger at me, have her tell me i'm ugly and after my father, and listen to how much she loves other members of the family.

walk away if you can, crumpetlover, but if you don't, i will understand. the counselling, the family, will help you heal, over time.

SarahWarahWoo Sat 15-Dec-12 09:50:51

Crumpet can you ask your counsellor to help you move on without getting your parents to admit anything? You may have been encouraged to face up to them and ask them for answers but in my experience they will just deny everything and you will be left even more frustrated. If you can be the better person, not dwell on them not being able to be honest with themselves then you could continue a relationship with them, do really well in your life as a silent statement and move on safe in the knowledge that you are a good person.

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