Cut and run or suck it up?

(72 Posts)
fackinell Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:28

There's my tether and there's me a mile down the road! Brief background: involved with a man 9yrs separated who has 16yr old DD. ex shagged another guy and pissed off with all 4 of her kids (3 of whom he raised as his own) and took half his house with her in payout. In the past 18mths I have had nothing but shit for being with him. Bitchy texts to work colleagues slagging me off, nasty fb comments, listening to slanging matches about me while I <respect privacy> in another room and hear about how horrible I am for stealing him from his DD (from his DD). Tantrums about me moving in my much loved pet (now dead so not an issue to 'anyone') and for having the nerve to fall pregnant. (Died at 8wks pg so now not an issue to 'anyone').
Basically after months of shit and now feeling angry and resentful about it all, we had an argument about his Disney parenting/unsupportive attitude towards the issues I've had and his drop everything attitude when his DD decides to come hang out for the evening. It's her second home and I totally get she should be welcome anytime and this is not my AIBU question!
But I want space. I want to know if I can slob in my jamas and not expect company. I would be happy to have every other night a potential 'family night' or 'couples only night'. no exclusion, just to know!! on the other hand I am almost 40 and in the voice of Glenn Close 'it may be my last chance to have a baby!'
I am aware this sounds garbled but I've had wine and adrenaline is making my thumbs go funny!! It's not an angry angst ridden thread and most of me wants to laugh <hysteria> but seriously!! WTF? I love kids!! I have great visions of us shopping together and laughing at silly 'daddy' but I'm seriously thinking fuckit, get a flat for selfish ole meeeeee!!!!!!

expatinscotland Tue 11-Dec-12 22:44:17

I'd have a child on my own in your position.

fackinell Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:17

Well you're braver than me Expat!! grin I don't think he'd agree to another split family as I know it breaks his heart not raising his own daughter full time. I'm the child of a single mother too and I know how hard she worked! Love her to bits for it but jeez it was tough for her!!

fackinell Tue 11-Dec-12 23:53:46

Bump!! C'mon MN'ers!! I'm Christmas shopping tomorrow and could halve my expenses here with your words of wisdom!

WorraLorraTurkey Tue 11-Dec-12 23:57:58

I don't really understand the OP sorry [thick emoticon]

Who is slagging you off? His 16yr old DD?

Why can't you wear PJs when she comes round?

squeakytoy Wed 12-Dec-12 00:00:58

I dont really understand.. however if you are saying his daughter should make an appointment to visit her dads house, then that is wrong. She isnt "company" she is a main part of the family, or should be. So what if you are in your pyjamas.. she doesnt sleep in your bedroom does she?

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 12-Dec-12 00:01:24

Cut and run,the relationship is not for you

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:03:09

Worra, the 16yo, her brother, his wife and her mother. But mostly DP's DD and the exes D in L. The eldest boy belonging to his ExW has turned up drunk in the middle of the night hammering on the window too and shouting abuse.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:07:56

No Squeaky, not saying she should visit 'by appointment' but the fact that things get reported home means I can't relax when his DD is around and I don't feel comfortable in the home I pay half of everything in. I'd just like 'some' couple time instead of these impromptu visits. Maybe 2 out of 7 nights of just us. This is not acceptable to DP which is why I will be seeking my own space.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 12-Dec-12 00:10:01

OK perhaps we need to take this more slowly.

Why don't they like you? what has gone on to make them come to that conclusion?

How have they got your work colleague's phone numbers?

Why do you have them on your Facebook?

What was wrong with your pet that upset his DD so much?

Why can't you relax in your pyjamas when his DD comes home? (It's not a visit or 'company' btw)

And I hate to be pedantic but if his ex was paid out, she didn't take half of his house...she took her half. I know that's neither here nor there but it grates on me a bit blush

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:11:19

No it is not, Sock. You're right. I could have easily embraced the situation without any abuse but I tried hard and took it slow in the beginning and it hasn't got me anywhere. I tried 100% in the beginning but now it's been thrown in my face I can't be bothered..

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:34:07

from what I can gather there is no known reason why they don't like me. He has been part of this extended family unit all these yrs: christmas dinners with ex and new partner, socialising with her older kids, which I did not discourage. Hence why they were on my FB.

One of my colleagues was a mutual friend of the exW's DinL so had her no. anyway and has now deleted it as felt disloyal to me having been used as a stooge to say say where I was and when.

There was nothing wrong with my pet other than she wasn't 'consulted' about him moving in (her words). She has her own pet at her Dad's and I think it was simply a turf wars issue.

I can't relax in my pjs as I know everything I say and do is reported back to her DM/dSINl AND DB. I have evidence of this through various arguments I've overheard. Therefore I am not comfortable 'relaxing' in a home I pay half of.

RE. the visitors/company thing: I don't have an issue moving out as she has every right to be here over me. I'm just sick of being hated for no reason other than getting together with a single man and paying towards a household I feel watched in/no say on what goes on. I am not some kind of bitch but I will not feel bullied or intimidated by a teenage girl??

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:38:50

Also re the house, he paid everything while she raised three kids that were not his, for the full time they were together she did not work and he paid for food, clothing and holidays. That's why I feel she had no entitlement although legally of course she did. She left when their own child was very young and he has supported them ever since....

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 01:08:31

Anyway I'm probably being over sensitive because my baby should have been born in a couple of wks so it could be just general pissed offness and I AB totally U. I'm also super angry because his ex aborted several of his children as she couldn't be 'arsed' with any more! <bitter old hag emoticon> and probably a good helping of envy thanks for listening.

TinyDancingHoofer Wed 12-Dec-12 01:11:41

I don't understand the pj thing. Why does it matter if the ex and co. know you where pyjamas? I am sure they have all worn them at some point. Unless you are dancing around in ann summers pjs or going to work in them them i really don't understand the issue. And why do you care what the ex thinks of you anyway?

TinyDancingHoofer Wed 12-Dec-12 01:12:14


fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 01:40:46

Tiny, it's not that I care what the ex thinks, it's more that I don't feel relaxed enough to be seen at my scuzziest. The fact that they all dislike me makes me subconsciously want to be seen at my best (fot what it is). I don't think anyone could feel relaxed in a home when you know things are reported back, (face pack and all). This is not an AIBU to not want his daughter around thread it's an AIBU to want to leave because of my treatment thread. No matter how much I embrace the situation I don't see us ever in a place that I will feel comfortable. I know he's a father but we are also a couple. I just want an occasional evening where there's no will she/won't she be around. In my own space I know it's a no!! He is a father 100% to her and I would never discourage that. But what's wrong with wanting to be a couple sometimes?

squeakytoy Wed 12-Dec-12 01:56:46

do you never go out together as a couple?

how would you cope if the 16yo was living at your house fulltime?

my husbands ex hates me (we got together 10yrs after they split and a year after she had remarried so I was not involved in their split).

He had 3 teens when I met him, and they moved in with us.

If you are in a relationship with a man who has a child/children then you take on the full package..

GothAnneGeddes Wed 12-Dec-12 02:04:49

If he's letting everyone walk all over you, then he's no prize catch and if he hasn't intervened by now things are unlikely to get better no matter what you say to him.

You're only 18months in, I would bail out now, as things are unlikely to improve, or indeed how much longer do you want to sit around waiting for them to improve?

I'm very sorry to hear about your baby, however, I would think very hard indeed about bringing a child into such a disharmonious situation.

Cut and run. You've persevered for 18 months, it is not going to change.

I completely get the unable-to-relax-in-my-own-home - and it is no way to live. Let him get on with his Disney-dadding, but for your own sanity and peace of mind, move out to your own space. You will feel so much better by the time a week is out.

You posted "I don't see us ever in a place that I will feel comfortable." So sorry, but neither do I sad.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 08:05:11

Squeaky, we rarely go out as a couple and if we do he always asks if he can ask his DD along (which does infuriate me as its a date ffs!!) he mostly claims to be broke (and isn't flush tbh) but has said no to me and yes to her in the space of one wk re a trip we both independently suggested. He's asked if she can come on holiday with us next year but we haven't had one on our own yet so I suggested a wk away for us and maybe a separate long wknd for all or just him and her (if she'd prefer it).

Re her staying permanently, that has been talked about and yes, I'd suck it up, but I did make it clear that Stropping to one's bedroom when asked to help tidy the kitchen after I've prepared a meal would not be acceptable (he asked, not me). Nor would interrupting a dinner party (he actually got up from the meal) to be driven a 10 minute walking distance with no notice. Disrespectful behaviour permanently would be unbearable.
She rarely can even sit in the same room as me alone and will often get up and leave the room if he does. I always greet her, ask after her family and make conversation but I generally get one word replies. She has asked to switch seats with her dad so she doesn't have to sit next to me. It's not full on rows all the time. More a steady stream of letting me know I'm a cuckoo in her nest.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 08:13:47

Thanks Goth. It was very sad and to make it worse, my cramps started during listening to a complete screaming match from the DD, doors slamming and both DP and I being ripped to bits verbally. Total coincidence,I know, but it made me angry that it happened at the same time (and on DPs birthday.)

He says I brought a lot of it on myself by blocking DD's family from FB after I heard they were bitching about me. Sorry, but I ain't giving anyone more bullets to fire at me. He completely avoids confrontation and just tells me to ignore it all.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 08:22:11

Where, I'm tending towards your way of thinking but I really am not a quitter, hence looking for advice. I know she will be off to Uni soon but it's not about getting rid, it's about having a situation we all can live in and one where I feel welcome. I basically told him I was looking into a flat and he said if that's the way I feel it's probably best. All this because I came home knackered at 7pm to no tea made and a tip of a house. It was the 'I can't do anything for you but watch me put my coat on and run because DD wants picked up immediately) that tipped me overt the edge!! Yes that is BU on my part, but expecting some support and partnership isn't IMO.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 12-Dec-12 08:48:05

I say cut and run - he doesn't support you, or ever put your needs first and is actively allowing other people to walk all over you. You can do better. Don't stay with a man just to have a baby - you will be miserable in the long run and will feel even more trapped.

I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself the chance to meet someone who really makes you happy, not this kind of half arsed affair.

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga Wed 12-Dec-12 09:09:10

Run, run for the hills now, he isn't going to change and you can't live with a steady stream of abuse as it will ruin your self esteem.


RaspberrySchnapps Wed 12-Dec-12 09:18:20

cut and run. for all the reasons others have given you. His DD is his family and is not a visitor, when you are in a relationship with someone who already has DCs you have to want them to be a part of your life too, but if they treat you like crap in return then only you can say if he is worth the grief. His DD may not like you but its how he responds that makes the difference. And after only 18 months? why are you waiting for his DD to go to college, why do your choices hinge on what she may do in a couple of years, after being with him such a short time? His DD is trouncing you, he is letting her. You suggested moving yourself into a flat and he said 'probably best'. Find someone worthy of you.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 09:49:59

Yep I reckon you are all right. Just wanted confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Unfortunately we have been at this crisis stage before and things got 'sorted'. Told exes DinL he knew about the bitching. She has since broken contact which has upset him as this was once his family. He told DD he deserved to be happy and if she didn't like it, tough!! That's when things settled into a casual displeasure of my living and breathing instead of full on strops. I know he has balls and does loveme. He doesn't want me to leave but if I'm unhappy he says its for the best. I swing between really trying to make an effort and heading off for an early night/ 2hr bath when his DD is around. He finds it rude if I do the latter but if she wants to come around (as is her right) and I want some space (same) we both get what we want. I'm not in a financial position to leave immediately as splitting half costs and taking on full costs requires some planning. Best get saving before I lace up the reeboks then!! Cheers all.

humptydidit Wed 12-Dec-12 10:08:09

fackinhell I really feel for you.

I am in a similar position myself and feel myself having to make a similar choice.

So far I don't know what the right thing to do is. It's very very hard.

One thing is for sure that u can't continue in that situation. [Sad] for u

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 10:28:58

Thanks Hunpty, and sorry you're in a similar situation. Fancy a flat share? grin

I'm going to see how last night's discussion pans out over the rest of the wk. I really don't want to dump him over Christmas. God knows he's been through enough shit with his ex. He gave me a kiss this am and said he loved me. He looked v sad and I got a huge attack of the guilts. All I'd like is some us time. He's texting his DD to come round every night and if he maybe just left it a couple of those nights it'd make a difference to us having some us time. Of course if she asks to come round there is no problem but he has to appreciate that we are a couple too. I'm not just some cash cow to foot half the mortgage and bills. It's my home too. I fully expect to take second place in his life but I don't expect to be disrespected. It's been a long time trying to compromise but I'm not sure she will ever forgive me for 'ruining her life' unquote!

humptydidit Wed 12-Dec-12 10:43:42

Sending v un-mumsnet hug and Will start checking the papers for a flat for us grin

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 12-Dec-12 10:46:38

Run away. He doesn't want to have a baby, and you do. That alone is enough to make a break.

Second, if things are as you say, his spoilt DD takes priority over everything, and even if you did manage to have a baby with him, would you want the baby around that?

You can do better. He sounds like a twat, sorry. sad

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 10:50:46

grin Hunpty!!

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 11:02:07

Green, thanks for your comment but it was actually the other way round. I felt I was too old but he was really keen for a baby. He still is. I am too but not till things are more stable. I wrote his DD a lovely letter when I was pg letting her know I knew it would be a shock but I really hoped for her input and part in her sibling's life. I said that she was no1 in her Dad's life and that I would never come between them. I know she got it but I got no reply. Just a smile next time she was round. She seems v uncomfortable around me and I don't like that she feels that way. She did get drunk at her friend's party one night and told me she loved me when she got home, I said it back and that gave me hope. So bloody confused! I feel she gets pulled in so many directions and I genuinely do feel bad for her. This is why I have such a dilemma. I don't want them all (exes family) sitting back smugly saying 'we did it' but I don't want to upset us both by breaking up the relationship and further wrecking his trust! Gahhhh! hmm

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 12-Dec-12 11:30:40

Oh sorry, in the OP I thought he was the one annoyed that you'd had the nerve to fall pregnant.

Well. Don't worry about his trust issues, I'm sorry to say that just about every male (probably females, too, but I've only experience with males!) in that age range who has had a long term relationship failure will cite "trust issues." Please don't stay with him because of that. smile

If you have had a one on one discussion with him, detailing why you'd like alone time with him, and not having him text his DD every time to come over, and he's ignored that, that's a big problem. If you haven't had this discussion (again, calmly, a discussion, saying it in the middle of an argument about something else doesn't count!) then you should. Give him time to either do it, or ignore it.

Don't worry too much about the smug exes. Do what's best for you.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 11:45:55

Oh I see, Green. No he was delighted! It was his DD and exes family. DD said her mum was so angry with him for what he'd 'done' and so was the rest of the family. She said he KNEW what he'd done was wrong. This is what I heard when my cramps started and I thought, be careful what you wish for, dear!! I know stress doesn't cause a MC but it doesn't bloody help my BP either!! I was already waiting on a prescription for baby aspirin. She was extremely sheepish when I lost the baby the next day. The day after giving him a happy birthday daddy card from his baby to be, Which she was also scornful about. I'm talking myself in circles here, aren't I? Happy pissing Christmas huh? grin

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 11:47:57

And yes, Green, that's exactly what I intend to do!

"I'm tending towards your way of thinking but I really am not a quitter"
It's not about quitting sad. Being with him should be a relationship, but instead it's an endurance test. And it's not just his DD's and Ex-ILs dreadful behaviour that you are having to endure - it's the lack of support from him, the sheer disrepect FROM HIM in standing by and letting this happen. The constant downgrading of your needs and feelings.

I'm sorry to say that he is just not worth it. sad

Think about it as impassively as you can manage - would you really want to bring a baby into this situation? And have that baby treated as you are now?

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 12:03:36

Where, I totally get what you're saying. It's difficult to voice my needs without sounding like a total bitch. I have upset the status quo with my arrival but you're right that he doesn't have my back in all this. It is nice to see a father caring so much for his daughter. I hope she cares as much when he's sat in on his own every night hoping for her to come home and see him to break the monotony of being alone! grin

"It is nice to see a father caring so much for his daughter."
Sorry again blush but I think he's a bit of a shit father. How exactly is his dancing attendance 'care' helping her to become a good and happy adult? He's facilitating her poor behaviour and turning out a brat. He is not, in my opinion, a good father.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 12:36:14

She is very dissatisfied, Where, she has on a couple of occasions threatened to kill herself (as someone she knows did). Kids with no boundaries feel awfully insecure IMO!! I hear ya!!

Dahlen Wed 12-Dec-12 12:46:03

Cut and run. This man has no spine.

You could put the pressure on so he bows to your wants rather than his XW/DD's. And you could have a baby with him. But if you do that, I can almost guarantee it will all turn to shit and you'll end up a single parent anyway.

Becoming a parent will expose the cracks in your relationship. You will be tired and vulnerable and unable to keep exerting the pressure to make yourself his main priority, so he will revert to type and you'll find yourself in the exact same position you're in now but with a newborn to boot.

Don't do it.

grapelovingweirdo Wed 12-Dec-12 12:53:38

I think the OP is entitled to some couple time in her own home. Surely if she never knows when the DSD is going to be there then that's a bit rude? I sure as fuck would want to know who was going to be in my house and when. Yes, I get the "it's her home too" but it's also the OP's home. She pays half the rent, she pays half the bills. She is entitled to some relaxation in her own home away from a spoilt child who disrespects her, aided and abetted by Daddy. The couple should have a couple of nights a week to themselves.

The DSD has to learn it's not all about her. Some of your responses to this woman have made me extremely angry for her. OP, your husband is not putting your feelings and needs first or even second. Much as you love him, you cannot be expected to live your life in a home filled with tension where you are treated so badly.

Why does sanity always go out of the window when a stepchild is involved?

grapelovingweirdo Wed 12-Dec-12 12:54:22

GAAAAAH!!! angry

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 12:57:49

Words of wisdom, Dahlen. Big talk scheduled for tonight. Last chance saloon!

grapelovingweirdo Wed 12-Dec-12 13:03:41

Go for it Fackinell, I'm behind you.

CremeEggThief Wed 12-Dec-12 13:12:38

You are getting nothing positive out of this relationship at all. Cut your losses and go.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it seems as if you have had nothing but grief and trouble from his family (even if you were the OW, you don't deserve how you have been treated, and that takes a lot for me to say, as I was left for an OW 6 months ago) and no support from him.

Please put yourself first and leave. Surely things couldn't be any worse than they are now?

grapelovingweirdo Wed 12-Dec-12 13:19:17

You deserve to be able to get home from work and relax in your own home without all the crap you have been suffering. You owe them nothing. They have no claim on your time and energy. All those posters saying that OP should have known what she was getting into have clearly never had to experience blatant hostility in their own home with no support.

Home is the one place you should be able to kick back and be yourself. It's supposed to be a haven from the world. If your ungrateful, poisonous SC are constantly reporting on OP to their mother then this does not a happy environment make. OP, your DP has no spine, cut him loose and find someone who is worthy of you, someone who is worthy of fathering your children.

grapelovingweirdo Wed 12-Dec-12 16:38:38


fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 17:21:32

Thanks so much, Grape!! I was totally feeling like the evil stepmother for a bit!! I know it's a sensitive subject with a lot of people but I thought I'd be completely flamed for this! Home now and having tea made for me (wtf?) and then a compromise chat in which he says he will discuss set days with his DD. I found a flat online I liked and it shook him up. Watch this space.....xx

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 17:24:29

Creme, His wife left him for another man years ago and I've only been on the scene 18mths. I would never go after another woman's man because I have a strong sense of sisterhood and I also know if they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I know you weren't accusing me of that but wanted to clear that up for anyone who hasn't read the full thread. wink

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 12-Dec-12 17:34:57

Good god it sounds likes never ending, particularly shouty version of Eastenders.

Life really needn't be such hard work or so utterly unrewarding.

What exactly is in this for you OP? Honestly, I'd be calling a taxi to the nearest hotel.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 17:39:27

grin Enjoy, the evening isn't over yet! I'm going to let him try to meet me halfway on this as I don't want to be U about it. I do love him but I'm no pushover. I've ironed out a few difficulties (for example he shouted at me once and I told him in my best teacher voice that this is NOT and never will be acceptable to me). Hasn't happened again.

HildaOgden Wed 12-Dec-12 17:42:50

I got stressed just reading your posts.

You're 40,you want a baby,you don't have time to hang around waiting for this to turn into a happy family scenario.Sorry to be so blunt,but you don't.

I'm another recommending you cut your losses and go out on your own.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 18:08:58

Thanks, Hilda. I'm feeling more and more this is the way forward. I know most people his age have more bloody baggage than Gatwick but I really admired his attentiveness to his DD in the beginning.

Creme egg I also meant to say I'm sorry to hear about your recent troubles with your ex/ow. That must have been hard for you sad

CremeEggThief Wed 12-Dec-12 18:19:43

Thanks, OP. It is awful.

I can see why you wanted to point out you weren't the OW, from rereading my earlier post, so sorry if I caused any confusion to anyone about that!

Hope things work out for you. thanks.

ENormaSnob Wed 12-Dec-12 18:38:07

Cut and run.

He sounds spineless.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 18:43:17

No not at all CremeEgg. I wouldn't be surprised if your recent events have made you see things a bit differently. Personally I think an OW or an OM deserves all they bloody well get! (And even really blistery fanny/cock warts would be too good them IMO!! )grin xx

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 18:44:22

Cheers ElNorma. You join the majority vote!! smile

captainmummy Wed 12-Dec-12 19:02:38

Part of me says ' you're getting up everyones nose - do it, but more! ' because they are trying to bully you into leaving. But the other part says' its your life, you should be able to sit on your own sofa with your dp, in pjs, without tension or atmosphere.

Your dp should not be texting dd to come over everyday. If she wants to come over that's fine, but she should not be invited every day. He is being disrespectful to you, knowing that you and dd dont get on, to put you together all the time.

I think I'd look for a small flat, and he could visit you. If you wanted the relationship to continue.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 19:28:15

Yes that's the idea, Captain. Knowing what to expect would be a Godsend. ExW has even asked for an increase in maintenance now that he has my income towards the house too. Bloody cheek! He already pays over what the CSS suggests. I think he thinks the more time DD and I spend together the more we will like each other. It actually creates the opposite effect as there's no breathing space. A bit like - how can I miss you if you won't go away! It did cross my mind it could be a tactic. He probably would hardly see her if I was gone off the scene.

" I really admired his attentiveness to his DD in the beginning."
Is it attentiveness? Really? Because I really cannot see it as that. Nor is it 'care'. It is dancing attendance. It is complying. It is allowing himself to be manipulated by a child (what age was she when all this started?). And for what?

If he were genuinely attentive, genuinely caring, he'd have pulled her up short years ago and told her that strops to get her own way were childish tantrums, and she should be past that at her age. He is failing to parent, failing HER. Failing you. Just plain failing.

Cut and run. You do not owe him, or his DD, or his deeply dysfunctional ex and her family, ANYTHING. He has somehow persuaded you to accept his and their shit, and being bombarded by it day in day out has affected you. I can see no other reason for you to say "I'm going to let him try to meet me halfway on this as I don't want to be U about it." Because, I have to ask, on what fucking planet could you be considered unreasonable in this matter? Hmm?

Oh, and I forgot to add after my "And for what?" - For an easy life. In other words, for selfish rather than selfless reasons.

MammaTJ Wed 12-Dec-12 21:06:50

My view here, yes it is hard but she is 16, she will very soon be busy with her own life and have less time for her Dad.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 21:09:17

Where, I think it's for popularity reasons. I have no idea when it all started but way before my time. And trust me, if she was my kid things would be a whole lot different! She has said on several occasions that she doesn't want to see him any more. When she found out I was pg for example. She never follows it through but it does scare him. She is rather baby'd. Her mum still has to go with her to the dentist and hairdresser etc. she is incapable of even basic culinary skills like putting pre-packed goods in the microwave. I'm concerned for her future, really!

But we have had our chat, I'm saving for a deposit anyway. I won't rock the boat over Christmas and he has registered that I ain't shitting taking this no more! I am completely serious about moving on and he knows it. Christmas presents from my family will be Argos vouchers grin in case I need to suddenly furnish a flat soon. We have agreed on 2 complete couple days (no negotiations unless v special occasions like her birthday) and more household chore input for her. He has got to have my back, I have told him, and I will not tolerate her refusal to sit next to me etc (shyness apparently. My arse!)
I won't ruin Christmas but he has till new year to sort this shit out or I'm off with my exhumed cat (joke!!grin ) and the other one and trotting off happily into the sunset.
Thank you for all your support. I have considered all your replies and fully expect to be on some 'tits up' type thread in the new year. Now pass me the microgynon and a wine!!!!!! Xxxxx

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 21:14:19

Mamma, that's his fear. He's enjoying the 'last few months' she will want to hang out with him. Unfortunately for her, she hasn't got many close friends although the usual 500+ on FB.
One good sign is he's in the wine tonight! A rarity in case he's 'required' to drive. That in itself is a tiny ray of sunshine through the clouds!! grin

MammaTJ Wed 12-Dec-12 23:54:39

I have spoken before about my DSD, and how she was a little madam. She lived with us for some time. Her mum hated me, even though I met my (now ex)H four years after she had left him for someone else. This influenced her greatly.

There was loads of negativity around my first pregnancy (which ended in MC) and even more about the next one,my DD. But the girls are very close now and I am even close to my DSD.

fackinell Thu 13-Dec-12 00:43:40

Mamma that is lovely to hear! smile
I hope it's the same for me but I'm not convinced my body is able to carry a child anyway. It just doesn't 'feel' possible IYSWIM no medical reason other than my own suspicions: age, high BP. Don't think I need to worry about any pregnancy, somehow. I can be a mad old cat lady, however! Won't have SS issues if I fancy going out.

Who knows how this will pan out, but I don't feel I will be a mother now. I shall plan lots of fun things anyway. I'm not a brooder, every cloud n that! smile xx

fackinell Thu 13-Dec-12 00:46:05

PS Mamma, I am sorry about your MC. I know how emotionally painful it is. Xx

BridgetBidet Thu 13-Dec-12 00:57:08

Sorry to go against the grain, but if you really, really want a baby are you seriously expecting you will find someone else who will commit and agree to get you pregnant before you run out of time for it to be a possibility? I'm not being nasty, I'm just being a realist.

The devil in me is saying stay long enough to get pregnant and then at least if you split then you know you'll be able to bully him into doing what you want and giving you money cos he's too spineless to say no.

shock That's not just against the grain, BridgetBidet, that's against sanity IMO!

Consider the consequences. He would be the father, with contact and parental influence. He would make as much of a mess of OP's child as he has already made of his DD. Would you really wish that on the OP and her child?

fackinell Thu 13-Dec-12 08:52:33

I'd only have a baby in a stable relationship. If it means I miss the boat then so be it. Yes it would be lovely to have a child but there are so many other exciting paths I could choose too smile. I am completely aware that if it gets to this stage with DP it will be a good cop/bad cop scenario. I would in no way pander to a child as I believe in boundaries and being firm but fair. I was raised with good values and would continue that on. But I won't get pg just for the sake of having a baby, Bridget. That wouldn't be fair on anyone concerned. His ex is very money focused but I prefer to make my own. I'd only want support for the child, and I wouldn't be looking for half his house as I haven't paid much into it.

humptydidit Thu 13-Dec-12 09:35:06

fackin check yr inbox

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now