..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!(299 Posts)
I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..
Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.
If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.
So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)
and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too
Will take on board all comments
YANBU. in your shoes, I wouldn't be talking to her at all.
You should resist all calls to leave your baby alone with anyone at 5 weeks. Surely they, as mothers, must understand that the bond is too strong to be broken just yet. Are you breaks feeding? That provides a good excuse. If not, just say you are not comfortable yet.
The baby is far too young to be separated from you overnight. She has the dogs. Just keep saying no and don't feel pressurised to visit.
I'm sorry she is putting this pressure on you but what you say goes, so stay firm!
At 5 weeks, YANBU to not want to leave your baby anywhere, with anyone.
Absolutely no way. I know it's easy to say from here but you don't need excuses. Just a simple "sorry, I'm not ready to be away from her yet." should suffice. And repeat as often as required.
It's perfectly acceptable and normal not to leave your 5 week old baby.
Just say "I'm sorry but I don't want to be apart from him until he is much older thank you" I wonder if she left hers that young.
My baby is 22 months and I wouldn't dream if leaving her anywhere overnight we have babysitters in our home so she's in her own bed and I'm here in the morning even if slightly hungover grin
YANBU to not want to leave your DD with anyone else right now. Certainly not overnight.
Practice saying, 'No, I am not comfortable leaving DD alone overnight at the moment'.
Don't expand on that.
And don't ever argue with the fact that your mum is your mum and she is not, cause that weakens your case. Your MIL has the exact same relationship to your DD as your mum does, and presumably your DH knows her well.
What does your DH say:?
Nope, you don't have to leave your baby and especially not at a house with 'big dogs' (I know dogs and babies can co-exist but it's OK not to be happy with it).
Dd is 5 and ds is 1. I still don't like leaving them with anyone else and rarely have. I think the fact that she's pressurising you speaks volumes. Just don't do it. Have you got dh's support?
It is difficult because you can't help how you feel but I do think you are B a bit U just because of this
If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum!
Your MIL is your DH's mum so should have the same rights as yours.
If you were not comfortable having your LO away from you at all then I would say you were not at all BU but what you are really saying is you don't trust your DH's Mum, how does he feel about that?
I think no one should be pressured into having their LO away from them for overnights until they are ready but the 'my mum is different' argument doesn't sit right with me I'm afraid and won't help your relationship with MIL
Overnight stay at 5 weeks! She's having a laugh! Are you feeding her ( baby, not MIL ) yourself? If you are there's your way out and if she's on the bottle it's still way too soon for the two of you to be apart for so long.
To be honest, badly controlled big dogs and a tiny baby are a dodgy prospect too. Keep saying no.
You leave your baby with your Dh and your mum - your baby is also your DHs baby? what does he have to say about it?
Although, for the sake of a sleepover, no I wouldnt be leaving a 5 week old anywhere. Babysitting for a night out, yes, babysitting for the sake of it, no.
YANBU Your baby is 5 weeks, you're not ready to leave her, end of.
YADNBU! My twins are two years old and I wouldn't leave them with anyone other than my husband overnight yet.
I have a 6 month old who I don't even let my own mum look after overnight, and she doesn't even have a dog....
I found it difficult being separated from my baby for 1 hour at 5 weeks. There is no way I could have done an overnight. Tell her to piss off and get your DH in your corner.
Of course you shouldn't. I wouldn't have. Far far too little.
JUST SAY NO...
She doesn't just have the dogs, she has a 4 month old grandson! (from her daughter) who practically lives with her.
I actually lied to her we haven't told her that I've stopped breastfeeding, as I thought using that as an excuse would stop her. It hasn't. She just keeps saying I should express enough to keep her going and send her with milk!
I would rather they came here to visit but she says it's too far to come for the day (2 hr drive). Personally I think it's a bit off making us drive down with the baby!
She really made me feel awful tonight - going on and on again about why on earth we won't stay over, why won't I let her have her on her own, why can't she take her on her own etc etc.
I just hope it doesn't cause massive rows with my DH cos I really feel his mother is a nutcase, and 5 wks post pregnancy hormones are still racing and I've become a lot more vocal than normal!!!
What on earth does she want a 5 week old baby for an overnight stay for?
She is mad to want to separate an infant from his mum.
I am having my first sleepover with dgs this weekend-he is 3.9! It will be his first without mum or dad.If you did leave dd at 5 weeks then YWBU imho
5 weeks and she wants baby overnight - is she mad? A baby isn't a bloody toy to be passed about for people to have a go with. At that age the baby needs to be with you as much as possible. Just say no. Not until much older, and even then not at all if you aren't satisfied that dd will be kept safe from the dogs.
Just say no, sorry - it's crazy. You're not going to send your 5 week old to stay 2 hours away. Maybe you have to be blunt and say, not now, maybe in 6 months, so please stop asking as it is stressing you out.
She expects you to drive for two hours with a 5-week-old! No, no and no. (OK my husband drove our boys for two hours at the same age to see his mum, but that was because she was days away from death. )
She is being ridiculous. Tell her to ask again when your little one is five years, not five weeks.
YANBU. I've never left mine overnight and the youngest is 2 now. "Alone" time for GPs must be pretty unusual at 5 weeks!
And I don't buy into the exactly equal treatment of GPs either. What if your parents lived really far away or you hated them or for some other reason they rarely saw the GC - she wouldn't be clamouring for parity then. All parent-grandparent etc relationships are different, different circs, locations, emotions. There's no rule or specific entitlement. Do what you and DH find reasonable.
What wfy said. If you didn' leave your baby with anyone other than dh then YWNBU, but if you are willing to leave baby with your mum, then YABU.
yanbu. I had a mil who had looked after other dgs overnight from
one week old (!) and expected to do the same with ds - luckily I was breastfeeding, so had a good excuse, but there was still a bit of pressure (couldn't he have formula for that one night etc).
She also smoked. Used to think I was making a big fuss about it.
The big dogs that they refuse to put away would be an issue, too. If they don't separate them when you are there, they won't bother when you aren't there, will they? My 2 and a half year old ds has never spent a night with either dm or mil - my own mother's lack of disciplined control over her dogs is one reason why not.
whatsforyou I do totally totally take your point, but i don't know how to get round it. My mum is my mum - I feel like DD is a mini extension of me and therefore of course it's ok for my mum to be left with her, because I totally trust her. Mind you, I did only leave her for 2 hrs whilst I had my hair done!
I know MIL has same relationship to my DD, but honestly, no, I don't trust her. I don't know her. Not really. I'm probably closer to my work colleagues than my MIL!
Is it really so odd that I feel happier leaving my DD with my own mum than DH's mum?
Oh. DH also thinks his mother is a fruitloop! He just tells me to ignore her. She is very controlling.
YANBU If it was my MIL (and I loved her to bits) she would have been told a straight NO, no excuses, my child stays with me, final.
Dd1 is 3.5 and has only ever spent three nights away from me with my DH and my mum when I was in hospital after having dd2 who at 9 months has never been apart from me for more than 2 hours!
I've never understood this obsession some DMs and MILs have with wanting a young baby over for the night. I can't see how it benefits anyone involved especially when you aren't keen!
It's not on that she's pressuring you and at 5 weeks I wouldn't be leaving her with anyone but DH and certainly wouldn't want to be away for a whole night.
Had a similar situation with my MIL who badmouthed me to all and sundry for not letting her have the DC over at about 8 weeks old and because I was very selfish for EBFing them.
She continued in that vein, getting worse, including being nasty to my face and contacting my family members on facebook (!) and the upshot is that she gets to see them about once a month, during the day with their dad in tow. (There are other issues too)
Bottom line is, you and DH decide what you're happy with.
5 weeks is so so young and there is no way I would have ever have left either of mine overnight with either grandparents.
My parents are a similar distance away and, now my DC are a bit older and I would feel comfortable leaving them, why would me and DH drive 2 hours to drop them off and then either pick a random hotel near my parent's to spend the night in or drive 2 hours back and then do the same 4-hour round trip the next day? Where does she expect you to go for the night?
Have just realised I've been dishonest - have left my eldest overnight at the age of 2, well in fact for a week, because I was admitted to hospital. Unavoidable. Wouldn't have done it otherwise. And DS was with DH, which cut into his visits to me in hospital but them's the breaks!
YANBU. I would never have left any of mine overnight with anyone else at 5 weeks, not even dh tbh! Not that I don't trust dh implicitly but I wasn't ready to be separate from them for that long.
I remember FIL trying to force us to let them babysit so we could go out for our wedding anniversary when ds1 was 2 weeks old - at that stage we were still all over the place with feeding and really didn't want to - so you have my sincere sympathies OP. Just keep saying no.
YANBU. My DD is 5 weeks old and I wouldn't leave her with anyone. Newborn babies belong with their mums IMO.
I think she wants to play mum if I'm honest. She has (apparently) now kitted out the spare room as a nursery so that DD will have everything she needs therefore I have 'no reason' not to let her stay (her words)
DD is 2 and she has had one overnight stay away from me in her life, with a person of DH and my choosing. Your MIL is wrong to pressure you. What does your DH think.
btw - totally reasonable for you to have different attitudes to differing family members. They are different people with different personalities. If your mother was bullying you about leaving your 5 week old baby with her, using emotional blackmail and not controlling animals you were allergic to in her home, no one would be saying you should be letting her have her own way.
my dm and mil have a very good relationship and regular contact with ds. ds has not at 2 and a half had an overnight alone with either of them.
She is nuts. I would never have let my 5 wk old stay with anyone else. Soz but NO.
I would stick my foot right down on this one. Write her a letter if needs be. But I would make it abundantly clear that there is NO WAY my teeny tiny baby would be leaving my side overnight (or at all). I wouldn't care what my dh had to say either. I got all ANIMAL about protecting my babies when they were tiny, which imo is a good think - 's all bonding innit.
If she's going on and on about it, repeat no, no chance, not until s/he's older. Then put the phone down if necessary. You don't need the stress 5 weeks post birth.
Would your dh support you if you asked him to talk to his mum?
5 weeks old? Absolutely would not leave my baby with MIL. The fact she has dogs also rules out toddlers staying with her too.
Trust your gut. 90% of gut instinct is correct.
Just say no and say you will not discuss it further. Ignore any comments.
Don't do it. YAmostdefinitelyNBU!
First time I left my PFB with MIL (and i love her) was at 13 or 14 weeks and that was "to go out for dinner" with DH. I think we left in the middle of our main courses because I couldn't handle it, and we were just down the road
can you laugh when she nags 'oh not a chance DD is only 5 weeks! har har'
That's different if your DH agrees with you that she is a bit mental and can't be trusted.
Of course you are going to trust your mum more but while you feel like your DD is an extension of you she is also an extension of DH. I just had a bit of a problem with the fact it initially read like your mum had more rights to your DD because she was 'your mum'
I haven't seen your earlier threads but from your later posts she does sound very pushy and I also thought perhaps your Mum had overnights so could see why she would be a bit annoyed.
Personally I agree with the other posters who think that 5 weeks is way to early for any overnights, we just managed our first at 14 months!
If DH feels the same as you then don't let her steam roller you
DS is 16mo and the only time I've left him overnight was when DH was bluelighted to hospital two weeks ago. I was only away for a few hours (and had to call a friend in the middle of the night to come sit with sleeping DS) but spent the whole time being a hormonal mess.
I have to admit to hoiking my judgy pants up everytime I see FB statuses from a cousin who seems to leave her (much younger) DS most weekends.
I have never left my daughter with anyone other than my husband overnight and she's five! You need to be assertive. Something to the effect of, 'I've already said no, and I'm not going to change my mind, so please don't ask me again.' Broken record technique.
Also I totally agree about feeling more confident in your mum looking after your baby rather than your mil. ITS YOUR MUM - it's natural to feel more secure with her
than bullying nutcase dog loving mil.
Your MIL is being utterly ridiculous and leaving DD for 2 hours with your mum is not remotely similar to leaving her overnight at that age. Just say you're not comfortable leaving her yet.
Plus I'd say overnight stays (even for older kids) only really work here the parents live very near the grandparents. If you have to travel 2 hours each way you will also need to stay with MIL so there would not be an overnight stay. Evening babysitting while you and DH go out yes but not an overnight stay without you.
oh, I am not saying that it is abnormal to feel more comfortable leaving your DD with your mum than your MIL.
Does your DH think that you should leave your DD with his mum?
Tbh i think fuck off is a pretty reasonable response to someone who is trying to ride roughshod over you. Why are you the one telling her, why isn't your partner shielding you from the extra stress?
I've had 2 hrs away from her since she was born and was all jittery LOL. I can relate to the feeling all 'animal' about her.
We're just now (obviously) getting into the whole Christmas thing now - why aren't you coming down, you have to stay overnight or else how will you see all the family, coming for the day is not good enough blah blah blah.
Why can't they just come for the bloody DAY?! If they came here, then we wouldn't have to put up with dogs and I would feel much more comfortable in my own surroundings. Dh thinks we should compromise and tell them to come here but say they can stay for the weekend...Hmm...I can see his point...but the thought!
BTW I left my pfb daughter at 6 months with my parents to go to Italy for the weekend (ooh get me). But I left her with sheets and sheets of A4 instructions on when she liked a biscuit, how to wind her etc etc . And I totally trusted my parents to take care of her. It's VERY hard to leave our precious babies even when they are big.
Expecting to have your child overnight at 5 weeks is beyond mad. Ipso facto she cannot be allowed to have her.
Yadnbu - I have a 5 week old and have only left her for at the very longest 1 hour whilst getting my hair done, and then with her full of milk, fast asleep and 5 mins away. I would only leave her with dh or my mum - I would feel wrong leaving her with anyone else and she would go bananas if I wasn't around.
Also your mil is very different to your own mum. I feel like I can tell mum what I want and be completely honest without ruining our relationship - and just couldn't say the same things to mil without hurting her feelings.
Yep, broken record technique.
"No, I'm sorry, I don't want to."
Or a similar phrase.
To make it completely effective you have to repeat the exact same phrase, any deviation you start to get drawn into arguments. Don't justify, don't reason, don't explain.
Congratulations on your lovely new baby
Dh, whilst lovely, finds confrontation with his mother hard, so basically just ignores her. This is obviously maddening and I'm trying to get him to get some balls and bloody tell her the score rather than just pretend it's not happening.
Oh. and No, I haven't left DD overnight with anyone! Not even my own parents! Really really not ready to be apart from her!
Yanbu, my Mil has had her other grandchildren over night since they were.a few months old, including dp's daughter from a previous relationship. Still no chance that my ds will be going. My children have their own beds in their own home and no reason to sleep anywhere else.
God she sounds ridiculously broody,wanting your baby for herself.
You are perfectly normal,and well within your rights,to not want to loan your baby out.
Just keep saying 'thanks,but no'.She'll still keep pestering you but she'll eventually cop on. (What age group is she,btw?Part of me is wondering has she just passed the age of having babies herself and is being hormonally pulled.Although that might be just a random theory,I often have them )
Just take your dh's advice & ignore her. At least he's not trying to support your MIL. I'm interested to know if you'd be happy to be separated overnight from your dd if your dm looked after her? I wasnt away overnight from ds til he was 9mo, and then he was with dh. Now I very occasionally leave him with ILs for the odd wedding. I don't want to be separated from my child any more than I have to be. I have a baby sitter for the odd Saturday night out wuth dh. That's it.
HildaO She's 54. Had four kids herself. Apparently an 'expert' (well she has told me I'm wrong about everything so far, had this all the way through the pregnancy and then the first time she held baby spent the entire time saying 'Don't listen to your mum she doesn't know what she's talking about' (and words to that effect) !!
It's the 'when am I going to see my baby' that really gets me.
Erm. No, she's our baby! Not yours!
Urgh, I dread my fiances mother being like this when our baby is really young and I will too, have to put my foot down. I just couldn't part with her and she's not even born yet, so imagine my feelings will be even stronger.
Surely she doesn't want to upset your baby. A baby knows when her Mum is stressed and she'll be awkward all night because of it.
Driving 2 hours just to drop her off too seems really ridiculous!
Just say: "When she's old enough to travel to you on the train you can have her on her own overnight. For as long as we have to drive 2 hours to bring her to you then you get at least one of her parents with her."
I'm with NutellaNutter - time to use the broken record approach. Whatever you do, don't try and mollify her by suggesting you'll think about it in perhaps 6 months or so - just put your foot down and say "No, that is not going to happen, please change the subject." And if she pushes it, either hang up the phone or, if it's in person, get up and leave the room. Make sure your DH is onside - if MIL is getting too pushy, agree between the two of you that that is the signal to get up and leave.
And it's completely not on that she expects you to do all the visiting but won't make an effort to visit you. I'd cut the visits right back if I were you until she starts shifting her lazy-arse behind and reciprocating visits.
Zen No, wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her overnight with my mum, even though totally totally trust her obviously. Just far too soon.
You are absolutely in the right here. But you shouldn't be having this conversation with her.
Your husband should. And firmly.
It doesn't matter she's set up a room.
It doesn't matter she wants to do it.
It doesn't matter about her grandson.
You are the child's mother and father and you say no. And that is the end of the discussion. There will be no more discussion. If she wants to talk about something else the call can continue. If not? Phone goes down.
It would be lunacy to leave a 5 week old OVERNIGHT without its mum!! WTF MIL!!!! . Imagine how upset the poor thing would get, different smells, noises, it's mum missing
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving mums a break and a night out but she is being incredibly unreasonable even asking at this stage.
There's no need for a scene; just say politely but assertively - thanks so much for the offer. Right now it will be best for me and LO to stay at home with him being so small and me only 5 weeks post birth. We'll visit when we can.
Having a baby isn't a community activity where everyone gets to have a go feeding etc. nice to have the offer of help, it really is, but v surprised at her asking tbh. My (nice) MIL asks permission to pick my daughter up at 16 wks, completely trust her but think she's trying to be polite.
I haven't read the whole thread but my first reaction to the title was that I would laugh in the face of anyone who suggested I leave my five week old baby overnight!!
'MY baby??? She calls your baby my baby???
Run girl,run.Do not give in to this,you'll have a lifetime of power struggles with her if you do.
Invite her for an overnight visit to yours,and let her settle for that
or sit at home sulking
I have a six year old that I wouldn't leave with my MIL for an hour, never mind overnight. I wouldn't have left a five week old baby with anyone, no matter how capable they were. I just wouldn't have wanted to leave them. Just say no. Repeatedly if necessary.
Your MIL is insane! Baby needs her mum with her and you need her! Over my dead body would I have left my DD overnight with anybody at that age. She is 16mths now, and the only night she spent away from me (or DH) was when she was looked after by my parents on our wedding night at 8 months (and even then we were only 5min away, and with her first thing in the morning).
Just say no, it isn't going to happen for several months yet. You are her mother, you do not need any reason to say no. You need to stick up for your DD, if she could communicate I am sure she would only want to be with you. She needs you.
And even when she is older, I'd be worried about those dogs. No way would I leave even a toddler in anybody's care for longer periods of time in those circumstances. I am a dog lover, and am hence well aware that animals can be unpredictable, especially with toddlers in the mix.
You don't get on with MIL so why would you leave your baby with her?
You trust your mum more than MIL which is understandable given circumstances.
Just tell her (if you're brave enough- totally understand if not!) 'the baby is not staying over night. I'll let you know when she is' then you decide. She is your baby, not MIL's. You set the rules. Glad to hear DH is on board.
It's only now that DS is 7 1/2 months old that I'm even close to considering leaving him overnight with anyone else. Even though the Inlaws only live 15 mins away, we stay with them fairly regularly so that we can have nice dinners with them etc and so that DS gets used to staying at their house. We've been invited to a child free wedding in August when DS will be nearly 18 months old, and I will be going on a hen do just after his first birthday (leaving him with DH) but I think that will be the first time we leave him. At 5 weeks I couldn't BEAR to be apart from him. DH used to take him out for a walk so I could rest and I'd be frantic. Just keep saying no. And laugh and say 'of course I won't be leaving him overnight!'
As an aside, who would VOLUNTARILY put themselves through the non sleeping hell that is a 5 week old baby if they didn't have to???!
Of course op's mil insisting on a 5 wk old stating overnight with mil is truelt ridiculous.
BUT I also think its ridiculous that many people on the thread didn't let their children stay overnight as toddlers - 2 or 3.9 seems very old to not be able to stay overnight with someone they trust. It seems so PFB. Why would you not? Do you think harm is going to come to them. It is something I do have trouble understanding.
*You are absolutely in the right here. But you shouldn't be having this conversation with her.
Your husband should. And firmly.
It doesn't matter she's set up a room.
It doesn't matter she wants to do it.
It doesn't matter about her grandson.
You are the child's mother and father and you say no. And that is the end of the discussion. There will be no more discussion. If she wants to talk about something else the call can continue. If not? Phone goes down.*
That's exactly what I was going to say ^
If you are feeling pressured, your DH MUST step in.It's NO. It stays NO, and no argument that she will come up will change that. She needs to be told that not only is it NO, but to stop asking. You really do need to get your DH to take teh pressure and it needs to come from him.
She is crazy. At five weeks I didn't even like people HOLDING my baby for very long, let alone having him overnight- he was 3yo before we did that!
why doesn't bold ever work when you cut and paste? maddening.
You don't need reasons either. Just 'no' is enough.
I couldn't bear to be apart from my babies for more than a few minutes at 5 weeks. DD wad 18m when she first stayed away overnight, and that was with MIL who I trust completely.
Wow... my DC were over 4 years old before they stayed overnight without me. I wouldn't bow down to her pushiness. She's being completely bonkers about it. a 5 week old wouldn't understand that you were coming back, I imagine it could be stressful for everyone involved, I expect you're still doing night feeds, night nappy changes etc. Why would she want that ?!
YANBU, your MIL sounds dreadful and deluded tbh.
I would struggle to leave my 16 week old with anyone except DH. My 3 year old wasn't left overnight until he was 2 (in his own home, with my parents).
I was going to say yabu but now I have read the thread and seen this
Oh. and No, I haven't left DD overnight with anyone! Not even my own parents! Really really not ready to be apart from her!
I have changed my mind and decided YANBU that is also reinforced by knowing your dh agrees with you and thinks she has issues.
May I advise that if the broken record approach fails and she keeps on just rant and rave whilst yelling
"Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you fucking get there just fuck off a bit more you bullying fucking cunt"
If you try that you probably need to give dh the heads up and warn him in advance.
I think leaving a baby with a grandparent for a two hour hair appointment is entirely different from leaving a baby overnight. YANBU. How about you suggest to her that next time you have a hair appointment she comes and looks after your baby at your house for the two hours, then she will have entirely equal treatment and bog all to complain about.
I would warn her that continued pestering would turn "no not for now she's too young and I'm not ready" to "no never" very easily and either she backs off quite a bit or she is in danger of permanently damaging the relationship.
When the right time is is unique to each mother and baby and their families - we will all have our own right age - some straight away others never and most of us in between. For the op it is not yet and mil is in danger of really damaging what relationship she has left with the op - which is likely to influence her relationship with the op's dc.
To be fair, my (very normal, very nice, very unpushy) mum calls DS " my baby" but even she would never, ever ask to have him overnight (and she has a room set up for him and everything too)
If I asked her, she would jump at the chance to help me, not because she wanted her grandson to herself.
...just say no, kind offer, but I'm not comfortable with that, and won't be for a long time. I would be quite straight to avoid further nagging.
YANBU far from it. Dd hasn't stayed away from me in 2 yrs. certainly wouldn't be doing it in first 6 mths and to a person I was unsure of!
Ps she might be a situation that needs bringing to a head - and if that happens you may have a chance of setting boundaries. Your dh should doing the main part of the discussions with his mother - he needs to put himself between her and you and let her know his position in no uncertain terms.
Actually thinking about it my 2 older ones stayed overnight with my parents when oldest was 11 and 10 and I felt the younger ones were too young.
5 WEEKS... She's crackers.. Please out foot down now.. She won't like it but tough. Your baby your rules..
Pps the only reason you give is " I am not ready" don't offer excuses.
Five weeks?! I have yogurts in my fridge older than that!
Tell her the truth, she's too little and you don't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone, now or in the foreseeable future. Perhaps add something like "I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from, as a mother" or something equally unarguable.
If she starts griping about your mum having better access gently tell her that she is always welcome in your home. And then pray she doesn't turn up with an overnight bag.
There is no need for you or your DH to leave your baby. I mean, to be cold about it where/what is the benefit? To anyone other than your MIL.
She's 2hours away so she expects you/DH to drive 2hours, leave baby drive 2 hours home and then the same to pick him up???
So in 24-48 hours a 5week old would spend 4 hours in a car and possible one or both of you spends 8 hours. .
Hugely different if you (I'm using that to mean both you and DH) had to go somewhere that it was dangerous for your baby, and even then surely you'd get someone to stay in your house in surroundings familiar in smell to LO.
Say no and just keep saying it, and if she nags hang up, or walk away, I know this sound easier than it actually is, so good luck.
actually i understand the "my mum is my mum and she's not"
just because she's dh's mum means nothing.
op has known her mum all her life; lived with her and knows everything about her.
she has known mil as long as dh at most and has never lived with her. that means she just can't know her as well.
dh she knows well enough because she has lived with him, has become privy to all his deep thoughts and habits.
and that's before we get into the fact that mil has big dogs.
i wouldn't leave a baby with dogs that the baby doesn't know. i would even be cautious leaving a baby with any dogs known or not.
i was careful with our Cats until dd was four months ish
YANBU. 5 weeks!
Weird that she's so desperate to have the baby to stay but wont get in the car to come and visit?
The sooner someone stands up to her the better. Then she can feign hurt for a bit then realise that she can't pressure you anymore. Of course your dh should be the one to do this. But if she approaches you be ready. Don't let her pin you down to a time scale either.
Theres loads of good suggestions on this thread of things you could say. Practice actually saying them out loud. It will make it easier when you do it for real.
NO, don't invite them for Xmas. You want your first Xmas with your DD to be relaxing and fun.
'Sorry, we don't feel up to travelling about the country with the baby, so we have decided to stay home for Christmas'
and don't give in to emotional blackmail.
I totally get why you'd consider leaving the baby with your mum, rather than your MIL.
So much of our parenting style is taken from our parents: I interact with DD in a very similar way to my mother, but differently to my MIL. Arguably neither is intrinsically 'better', but I feel very comfortable with the former and not so with the latter. So I 'trust' my mother with DD more than my MIL: I know that she (my mother) will continue with my style of parenting.
And there is no way the baby should be apart from you overnight, regardless of with whom.
"I have youghurts in my fridge older than that"
Ha ha ha.
I think the Mum / MIL thing is a bit of a red herring. I am hesitant to let my Mum have my 8yo DS overnight (because she has previously bad mouthed me to him, told him I favour DS2, and generally undermines me), but my PIL have all 3DC for a couple of nights a couple of times a year and I trust them completely.
I wouldn't have left my DC overnight with anyone apart from DH before they were about a year old though, and even an hour or two in the pub was a stretch when they were 5 weeks.
Some lovely helpful advice thank you all
Oh. Should have explained properly - alone without me, but DH to go with baby. So I won't be affected by the dogs and she can still have her time with 'her baby'!
Much as i trust DH implicitly, no way is he going 2 hrs away with her for 2 days!!! Without me!! Just so that she gets to spend time with her.
Will invite up for the weekend - like suggested, and just
bite my tongue be polite and try not to fly off the handle everytime she does/says something ridiculous!
maximus yes, that's exactly how I feel.
YANBU 5 weeks is way to young just be firm and say no and that's the end if if. My DD is 7 weeks old and I wouldn't leave her eith anyone yet not even DP
YANBU. Way too young. How dare she put you down like that too - to YOUR baby, infront of you. Keep well away and get some good boundaries set up, otherwise she'll never stop harassing you and criticising your parenting.
Very different relationship with the two mums. I adore my MIL, but was fascinated that my DS1 snuggled into my Mum for hugs - there must be a smell that is more similar and comforting, which makes sense really. Actually, my DS's have equally good relationships with all the grandparents, but they spend different amounts of time with them - that is the reality of where everyone lives.
If I were you, I would simply not answer the phone to her. You don't need stress right now. Relax and enjoy your baby. Good luck.
She's had her own children, she bloody knows this is a fucking stupid suggestion. YANBU.
captain Weird that she's so desperate to have the baby to stay but wont get in the car to come and visit? YES! This is the bit that totally totally throws me all the bloody time too!!!! She basically wants us to make all the effort.
Incidently, I gave birth on the Weds and she was insisting on coming to stay for 4 (!!) days commencing on the Friday so that she could 'bond' with her GD. I just couldn't stand the thought (milk would just be in, long difficult labour, forceps, episiotomy, in pain etc).....DH put his foot down and said no, but please do come and visit and see the baby whilst we're in hospital and she point blank refused and got a massive strop on!!
Said I was deliberately stopping her from seeing her GD.
Said it was too far to drive unless she was staying over. (I don't think it is personally, particularly to see your new gd, but hey that's her opinion)
So baby was 8 days old before she saw her, and that was only because WE had to drive down to see them!!
MIL sounds deluded to be honest
DD was 10 the first time she stayed overnight at MIL's
Leave a DC overnight at 5 weeks! No way! I love my parents, my MIL and my DP but I wouldn't have left either of mine with them and without me at that stage. They would've created a storm anyway considering they tended to spend approximately 50% of their time on the boob.
Now they are 3 and 8months I would love it if mine or my DP's folks would offer their baby-sitting services but considering we live over 100 miles away from them and that my MIL is the youngest and fitest at 67 with 2 knee-cap replacements, then I think I need to find alternative respite care.
I don't think it's recommended to have such a young baby in a car seat for too long. Maybe use that as an excuse. It saved us a big journey for nearly a year
Yabu for driving for 2 hours to take your baby to visit mil 8 days after a forceps delivery. When she couldn't be fucked to drive for 2 hours to visit. Just what sort of arse expects this?
YANBU to say no to the overnight visit. I do think it's slightly different that your dh will be there too but the bottom line is she is your (you and dh) baby and what you say goes. 'no' is a complete sentence.
Please start putting yout foot down here and setting some ground rules.
If you don't want to visit for Xmas, then this is ideal opportunity to have your first Xmas together as a family.
Quite frankly your MIL's behaviour is weird. No sane person would make demands like this.
DD stayed overnight a couple of times with PIL before she did with my mum, but that was when DD was two and a half! Plenty of mums would feel uncomfortable being away from their baby at five weeks old, it's completely normal and your MIL shouldn't hassle you about it.
I am so shocked by your last post. Does she really think this is all about her? It is just bizzare. I think there is some issue going on here which is nothing to do with you- it is not her time to bond with the baby two days after the birth! That is one of the craziest things I have ever read on Mumsnet.
Please don't let her self centered and deluded behaviour affect you any more than it already has. Be polite but firm.
Your 5 week old should not be in a car seat for 2 hours. Neither should you be making long car journeys at this stage - it isn't good for you or your baby.
I would never leave a 5 week old in a house with 2 big dogs, and I would not trust anyone who thought that was ok.
She is bonkers. Put your foot down now and get your DH to support you. Otherwise this will only get worse.
Say no. no explaining, no justifying just no. weird mil.
I concur wholey with whoever said "dcs have own beds in own home" i would add, "with own. parents. whuywould they need to stay anywhere else?"
I also remember a. similar thread where a grandma had written "what is to be gained from a dgp having an overnight stay - baby is asleep for most of the so called quality time together" this is true.
my opinion = weird selfish totally deluded and wannabe controller. thank goodness you have a two hour buffer.
HOWEVER....... if this is the norm with other dcs I can see why she mighy see you as unreasonable (i most definitely 100'/, do not). if she had another dgc at 1wk, then she obviously thinks this is ok and normal. she may be paranoid that someone might say she favours het other dgc over yours because yours doesnt stay. some people are keen to be seen by others, to be doing the right thing. if she travels to yours noone (her friends neighbours family etc) see what she is doing - hence she doesnt bother coming. maybe that is all part of it. best friends. mum is the same. doesnt see dgc from one week to the next even though they live 5mins drive away. as soon as friends or family visit my friend, her mother is there like a shot playing the doting gp.
the "my baby" thing is fairly common with gps i think.
i wouldnt read too much in to a hopefully flippant comment.
and now ba k to my original stance - say NO!
Not read the full thread but I had pretty much the same thing happen with my MIL.
She had gotten a Moses basket, babygro's, a breast pump???!!!, bottles, dummies etc...
a breast pump for fucks sake! I wasn't able to breastfeed so how on earth she thought she's be able to I don't know!
She wanted my son to go there immediately after we came home from the hospital, be dropped there so he could stay a few days, so I could recover in peace!
Needless to say I didn't take him there and he has never once stayed there, infact she hasn't seen him since he was about 6 months old as she told my DH not to bother anymore, stay away from her house etc...
She has seen us in town and out and about, my DH has gone over and tried to talk to her but she gave him a look and walked off, we haven't bothered since! Some people are a little crazy!
Another twatty mil who thinks she has a right to play mum! Barmy! Keep saying no and leave her to her rants the silly cow!
Actually visiting with Dad and not you seems even more weird . . .
I mean what are you going to do for 2days 5 weeks post birth??
All very odd.
For me seems very odd,
personal stuff here, DN and partner are pregnant. BIL is ridiculously excited. When both DNs were born he worked really long hours, was a really hands on Dad when he was off work.
But he clearly feels he missed out, so first grandchild wahhhhhhhhhhh.DSis is also excited as well of course but keeping him in check.
But even him as nutty as he's being and he is, and we're all taking the piss hugely, even he thinks this is nuts.
His exact words, emmm well emm at that time well wouldn't the baby still need to be getting feeding sorted? And stuff, I remember DW had a lot of 'stuff' going on and the , you know the, thingie, hormones, wouldn't that be bad for both of them? .
I said he was nice not articulate.
Really, just say no
YANBU AT ALL.
DON'T DO IT - REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR THINKS.
5 week old baby needs its mother/father full stop
5 week old baby plus your Mum with no dog = ok for a couple of hours maybe at your house if you are desperate for a break although personally I wouldn't bother this early in the day.
5 week old baby plus MIL who is besotted with big dogs in her house = NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
Pfft to anyone saying it is not fair on MIL. Your baby, therefore you are responsible for its well-being, you will suffer if anything goes wrong not them. There is no need to justify your decision, no need to 'play fair' , it's your baby.
My MIL was a lovely lady who would keep her dog out of the room but like a lot of dog owners thought her dog could do no harm. My OH was allergic to her (grubby) house because of the dog so it was never an issue for him not to leave them - kids were never left.
My Mum babysat occasionally at my child-proofed house when kids much older. If you create a babysafe environment it is easier for others to help out long-term.
It is entirely normal and appropriate to trust your own mother more, assuming they were kind to you.
Ok, plan of action:
1) Laugh loudly when the mere hint of baby staying away from you overnight is mentioned. Make sure you stress what a ridiculous suggestion that is and how much of a hoot your MIL is for making that joke.
2.) Invent a fake allergy to dogs for your dd. Yes just lie
3.) Make alternative plans on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day therefore forcefully squeezing the Christmas holiday into just one day.
4.) Helpfully send her a list of local travelodges.
5.) Don't give her any ammo to moan and actively make plans to allow her to spend time with her GC on your terms. Bite the bullet and allow her to stay or arrange a family weekend away for the three of you near where she lives in the Summer for example.
6.) Sod politeness & do what you need to do for your daughter!
Don't even make excuses. I would just say "ha Hha ha ha noooo way," and refuse to even engage on the matter. I wouldn't even respond to the suggestion tbh I would just change the subject.
I had to leave my DS for about six hours when he was six weeks old to go to a family funeral. I left him with my sister and I knew my mum was on hand too and I just couldn't wait to get home.
As for her insisting you drive to them I wouldn't entertain that either. If you had a close relationship with them and wanted to see them it's one thing, but given it seems you don't you are under no obligations to visit. Just tell her "oh sorry we've been busy being a famiy and frankly we drove to you x weeks ago and we're tired, feel free too visit though," and leave it in her court.
There is only one way to deal with people like this. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Oh dear god what a nightmare of a woman!
Right, she is your DH's mother, so this is HIS problem! I don't give a stuff if he "finds confrontation with his mother hard" - by ignoring her he is not making her go away, just shifting the problem on to you. Not good enough, you have a new baby to contend with, so it is down to him to shield you from a woman he thinks is a fruitloop.
Discuss it with him and agree between yourselves what you want to do. Might I suggest for starters :
1. You/DH/DD NEVER go to theirs. You are allergic to the dogs and it is a two hour drive. If it is too far for MIL to drive, it is too far for you. End of.
2. She is told to button it (yes, it should be put that harshly) about overnight stays. It isn't going to happen.
3. All the aggro she is giving you must take place over the phone or on your visits to her, right? So, she is told by DH that the phone will be put down on her if she continues to push for something she has already been told 'no' for.
4. You do not answer the phone to her, DH does. And he take all her moans, not you.
If your DH thinks you should ignore her, take him at his word. DO not take her calls. Do not visit her. Behave as if she does not exist. She can have as big a strop as she wants, she's two hours away and doesn't want to make the drive, does she?
It is not on for your DH to "just pretend it's not happening". It is, and if he isn't going to deal with it, then it would be absolutely reasonable to hang up on her or even to tell her to go fuck herself.
don't even consider it. what a crock of it, really. your baby can stay overnight without you when she can reach for a phone and make her own call to the emergency services, stating clearly her name and current whereabouts.
and she can go into town alone when she's taller than you or sixteen.
just be clear about your boundaries. and say no.
STILL NO No no - with the extra info that your OH would be staying there with baby. Yes DHs are good with 5 week old babies but not for 48 hours on the trot and no reason for you to be deprived of your baby. Also DH may not be as vigilant as you re the dogs even if you did fancy a break which of course you don't. Why would you it's your gorgeous newborn baby?
We had the dog allergy thing - it's tough - it means you make short visits and you control the frequency.
Haven't read all the posts but while I agree with some posters that the baby in theory should have the same relationship with both grannies, sometimes it doesn't work out like that.
My MIL is the sort who interferes and undermines. My Mum isn't. When I left the boys with my Mum, I knew she wouldn't try to push a bottle of formula down their throat, when I was trying to exclusively bf, that she wouldn't put salt all over their food, when they were older, and that she would actually watch them! MIL and FIL once let ds3 flood the bathroom to the extent that we had to redecorate the room underneath it and they also had a habit of locking the children out in the garden.
MIL has also driven some of her dgcs in the car after having drunk a few glasses of wine.
My Mum reads with them, lets them do art and bakes with them
she is much better than me.
As a mother of four sons and only one daughter who sadly died, I am very aware of being "the other granny" and if MIL were even half-OK I would probably let the boys stay with her more. But she isn't.
Just say "No, I don't want to."
the future that's priceless - give me the baby so you can recover in peace! WTF
Barmy no fing way!!! Not read all the thread but your so not pfb! DD1 is 2.9 never stayed over night with pil only ever stayed at home of with my mum (4 times ever) DD2 9 mo never stayed out wont be for some time! Why is it some people think young children are some kind of property babies and young children should be at home with their mums IMO!
Babies and young children should be with their parents surely? Besides breast feeding there is no difference between mothers and fathers so this 'mum knows best' stuff is bollocks.
I came on to say YABU but after reading your subsequent posts have changed my mind. YANBU to not want to leave your baby with a pushy, manipulative person. YWBU if your sole reasoning was the fact she is your MIL.
Besides she can't be that bad she raised your husband and you like him enough.
Babies aren't dolls to be carted around and dressed up and played with. You said she's only 54 - she has years and years and years ahead of her to be a grandmother.
Creepy and weird. God knows why anyone would want a newborn baby other than their own overnight as a recreational activity.
My DD was 6 when she had her first sleepover. Sorry OP, you're just going to have to upset this madwoman. Say no. Keep saying no. If she wants to see her Grandchild, she'll come and see you. If it's too far, then it's tough, isn't it?
God, I hope I'm never like that.
Just say 'thank you for the offer but I'm not ready to leave baby overnight yet, when I am I will let you know'
he/she may be 23 when that is but she doesn't need to know that
YADNBU. Is the woman mad? For fuck's sake! Who wants a 5 week old baby for the night, anyway? I'm not a granny yet, but I'd be damned reluctant to take a 5 week old granddaughter overnight, and I've got 5 kids of my own. Babies aren't toys, and they need to be with their mother at this stage. I would laugh loudly if she brought it up again and say, 'Are you mad? No way. Not for a long time. I'm night feeding, so that's an insane suggestion. Don't ask again or we will seriously fall out'.
LoisLane she's a nutter honestly! It didn't matter that I had two other children in the house anyway and she didn't even offer to have them for hubby to be with me whist I was having our baby! Never mind have them so we could have a little bit of quiet time.
And you should have seen her face when she found out he was a 'he' and not a 'she' as she wanted! Moaned about not being able to buy nice frilly dresses and
threw passed me Adams bag with a suit in it, from the sale in size 6-9months for him! Weirdo
I was going to say that! I stayed with my Mum when my DS was about 7 weeks old and I was knackered so I asked if she'd have him in her room for the night.
She came into mine at 2:30am and said, "sorry, I just can't, I'm exhausted"!!!
Fair enough, she's done her time!
Absolutely who wants a 5 week old baby for the night anyway!?! The woman clearly is nuts!
Defo say "no".
YANBU, but do remember what others have said; the way you feel about your mum is the way your DH feels about his mum.
She's probably expecting the same thing to happen with your DD that is happening with her DGS. We had the exact same thing as MIL had regularly had her two older GS's for up to a week at a time from a very young age. EBF and sleepovers don't mix however.
My DS1 was 2 before he stayed over with them & now at 4.6 has spent 4 nights away from me in his entire life; one of those being when I has DS2. My 16mo DS2 has never spent a night away from me.
ok i'm on to baby number 3. I wouldn't leave 5 week old with anyone unless I was dying in hospital.
my lovely mil did get slightly ott when I had ds1 but I set ground rules with dh so we managed. Everything calmed down, my 2 and 4 year olds stay once a month or so.
If they are causing you stress speak to the midwife, Dr or hv they will back you up. It wouldn't be the first time they had to speak to a new dad about supporting a new mum... in the nicest way.
although this is a mil in this case, mum's aren't automatically trusted. I would never have left my dc with my mum but I have no problem now with my mil.
Think of issues that may cause problems and discuss with your dh what you will and won't find acceptable, this makes it harder for things to be twisted to make you out as being unreasonable.
Remember you are not unreasonable, you and only you will know when you are ready and with whom you want to leave your dc with.
Gp relationship is really important but parents are more important
Ds's GF asked me to have DGs at 4 weeks so she could go to a 21st.
I said no. It was too soon. I was scared for some reason. A big responsibility.
There's no reason for her to have him.
I wouldn't leave any small children in a household where there are large dogs. Full stop.
My DD stayed with my MIL at 5, almost 6 weeks .... however, I was very very ill with food poisoning (I was almost hospitalised) and DH was away on an unavoidable work trip (came home early, but couldn't leave immediately). I only handed her over because I had fainted several times with exhaustion and unable to function as I was constantly vomiting, even water. That's a good reason to have a 5 week old away from their mum; the granny wanting to play mummy isn't.
Even without the vomiting, it was a horrendous night - I sobbed for hours, I swear I was physically in pain to be away from her (my breasts definitely were!). And I absolutely trusted MIL with her (nursery nurse for almost 30 years). It's just unnatural to separate a mother and child at that age.
I have the exact same problem and I feel really bad about it as mine DS is now a little bit older and my mum has had him a few times during the day. She has had him once overnight but I didn't feel comfy and I got less sleep when he wasn't there not more lol. As your DD gets older you will be comfy letting people mind her for a little bit (you may be asking them by then) but don't let her pressure you into anything.
YANBU but you already know that by now!
I can really sympathise with your MIL/DH situation as mine is similar. Fortunately my IL's and parents both live within a few miles so short visits were always an option.
I am really surprised at the number of people who feel it is unreasonable for you to more comfortable with your own mum looking after your DD. Assuming you have a good relationship with your mother, you will have inherently learnt some of your parenting skills from them as you grew up, which is bound to make you feel more relaxed/confident with leaving your child in their care rather than with MIL who is, in theory, a kind of 'unknown quantity' for want of a better way of putting it.
Obviously for most people this is something that needs to be 'gotten over' in time, as of course IL's do have the same biological relationship - but at 5 weeks old there's plenty of time for that, and it should always depend to some degree on the people involved.
My DD is now 8 and my relationship with MIL is pretty tempestuous at times, but whilst I may go and occasionally even a bit about some of MIL's ideas - I know that she loves DD and wouldn't let any harm come to her. But that has come over time - my mum had her overnight at 6 weeks, MIL probably not until she was about 18 months (although they shared daytime care when I went back to work).
You can't simply say that because the biological relationship is the same, both GP's should be treated exactly the same.
I'm someone else who has had a similar situation. I think the only way is to set your boundaries as to what you find acceptable and what you don't from the start otherwise it will just escalate.
From personal experience it did cause a huge row but it was worth it.
Mine bought car seats, push chairs, cot beds, high chairs and was truely getting on my nerves. They live 4 hours from us and expected us to stay there even though I don't get on with her at all. Its much better now. I am in control and my DCs have never stayed overnight with anyone (they are 2 and a half and 8 months) even though there was alot of pressure for me to bend to her wishes. I was even told I was being unreasonable!
As long as you are on Mumsnet and speaking to other mums you will know who is being unreasonable and it certainly isn't you!
No and especially not at so young. They should be snuggling with you.
My eldest was 5 1/2 when he went to stay with his gps for two nights. His request and has fantastic relationship with them. They all found it very stressful and it's not been repeated. He's now 9, still adores them but is quite certain he doesn't want to stay with them. It's just the way he is. Home's where he's happiest. Other two (6 and 3) haven't stayed anywhere else either.
A 5 week old baby should not be away from it's mother unless there are medical reasons. Your MIL is wrong to pressure you like this. You should not be spending time in her house if you are not comfortable (and are allergic) around her dogs. Where did MIL get the idea that baby was there to keep her company? If she wants better access then she should visit at a convienient time for you.
Tell her now that you do not intend to leave DD until she is at least 2. you will not discuss it, it is your and dh decision. you will review when she is 2.
dont answer the phone to her.
No, do not even go there, especially when she has two large dogs. Who's to say she will be extra vigilant with leaving the baby with them?
I left my 5 week old DC5 with my mum over night so I could go to a wedding evening do.
The world didn't come to an end!
I have never left my 6 month old for more than 2 hours and even then it was with MY mum.
She's had her children.
Tell you DH what is and isn't acceptable and let him deal with it.
Of course you don't need to leave your 5 week old baby with anyone you don't want to. You don't need to leave your 5 month old baby with anyone you don't want to either. Say no and don't engage with her any further than that. Ridiculous.
Thank you everyone Does help a still somewhat hormonal/tired/physically wrecked new mum feel somewhat better to know that it's not me!!
Mytimewillcome Omg, are you sure we don't have the same MIL!? Same here. She's bought moses basket, cot, car seat, playmat, nappies (as in TEN boxes so that DD can stay as long as she likes?!) ALL for my DD, or 'her baby' as she calls her!
I have been told now 4 times I am unreasonable. Or being ridiculous. I had to put her straight a few times (I've posted before, this is the same MIL who went nuts because 2 days after giving birth, we registered her name and gave her my maiden name as a middle name, and she demanded that we went back and change it because DD was nothing to do with my family anymore!!!) and am getting more confident in confronting her.
However, she is a bully. Very pushy. DH has spent all his life just being walked over by her - he finds it easier just to say nothing/ignore. I have said he needs to step up more now
get some balls and put her in her place, but he finds it hard.
She won't phone me, or the house phone in case I pick up I guess. She rings DH on his mobile.
For Christmas, I think we will go down for just one day. If she refuses to put the dogs in a different room, then we'll just ask that she does again and if not, then just leave. DH says he's got my back. At least if we go to her, we control how long we stay etc? I think if we keep insisting that they make the effort to come here she'll just sulk more and give DH more grief.
I also have no clue why she would want to have such a young baby overnight and look after her. My own mum said no way! Too much responsibility and she wouldn't be up to being up all night.
Just had my 6 week check up today - have been put on antibiotics, still suffering/sore post birth (forceps/episiotomy). The more I think about it, the more BLOODY UNREASONABLE I think she is - not ONCE has she asked how I am, or how I'm feeling.
Oh. DH isn't that close to his mum, more his Dad (who is lovely actually), and I have a fab relationship with my parents, very loving upbringing, we're very very close.
YANBU. But I think you know that already. You're not even supposed to separate puppies from their mothers before 8 weeks, so why on earth she would think its OK for a child to be separated from you at 5 weeks is beyond me.
I would screen her calls, tbh. She's been told no, and that should be an end to it. I wouldn't even go over Xmas. I agree with whoever suggested saying that your DD has an allergy to dogs. If MIL won't visit you, it can't be that important to her. You shouldn't really go for a day - a 4 hour round trip is a long time in the car for a baby. And for you I imagine!
Is she the
mad MIL who insisted on buying all pink stuff too?
havingastress, have you and your DH considered just cutting her out of your lives completely? She's not going to change, do you really want your DD to have to put up with this shit too?
And suggest to your DH that he gets another phone for everyday use. Keep the one she has the number for in a drawer. Switched off, checked weekly.
We have a 7 week old. Parents in law are a 2.5 hour drive away and happily came to visit for the day (not overnight) at around 5 weeks. In the end because of traffic their journey took nearly 5 hours but they were still happy! We said before baby was born that we are not travelling anywhere for xmas, we didn't need the hassle. Our families completely get it. Basically what I'm saying is that your MIL is being massively unreasonable.
Even if your MIL was the best MIL in the world you do not want to. And why should a mum with a 5 week old baby be made to do something she doesn't want to do?
If you want to go a Christmas then go. If you don't then don't! Seriously, just say it doesn't work for you. Your baby is tiny there'll be plenty of time later for spending Christmas with MIL.
I would also be wary of exposing my baby to dogs a) for safety and b) because of allergies.
My MIL is seriously allergic to dogs (she's been in a coma because of them) and until I know if DS is allergic or not (he's 14 months) I won't let him go to houses with dogs. (DH and I are also allergic to animals so there's a high chance he will be).
Poor you, if she wants to just speak to your dh could you just let her and try to have the least amount of dealing with her. It's very hard to speak to someone like her when they think you're the one being unreasonable. I think she's going to find fault no matter what you do so you may as well be a bit rude, you've tried to say no a lot of times now and she's dismissed your wishes.
Can you say something like 'I've already told you why I don't want to do that and I'm getting insulted that you won't accept that, can we just leave the subject now before it creates tension between us'.
My mil was the same and tbh, I was slightly afraid of her and the way she gave out about me and everyone else but she's going to anyway. Try and accept you're not going to have a great relationship with her & leave most of it to dh, try to get him to tell her to lay off a bit.
havingastress - am so sorry you are being put through this. Hope I am not repeating anything anyone else has said because haven't read entire thread. You are quite within your rights to say calmly and firmly that you don't want to be separated from your baby. She is being totally unreasonable. As someone who is 20 years down the line with a difficult m-in-law, think it is a very good idea to put your foot flat down, early. Give in this time and she'll make her demands even more unreasonable and expect you to jump to attention and do what she wants.
If it's any comfort, men always seem to side with their mothers and want to avoid confrontation, which is horrible for you. But eventually they seem to see a bit more how unreasonable their mother is being!
Also I have never bought, "she's his mother so she should have equal rights to yours". Sure, if she behaves reasonably. If she doesn't, she hasn't earned your trust. And with two large over-indulged dogs, no way would I risk it. Looking back, I ended up travelling a lot with a very young baby and it wore me out. She should make the effort when you have just had a baby and are really tired. I guess I think some things you let go, but you pick your battles and this is one really worth fighting. The people around these types often give in to them and they get even more despotic. One day I'll have to stand up to my m-in-law over something really important. I'm not looking forward to it, but if I have to I have to.
Suggestions about the broken record repetition are a really good idea. And not buying any of her emotional blackmail. How about "I'm feeling really tired, perhaps you could come and see us in a month or two (or three or four or more!!!)
Hope all this helps.
whocan yes, this is pinkgate MIL!
you know, i really don't want to go down. maybe i shouldn't and should put myself and my family first. i am actually worried that dd might be allergic too and she's just recovering from bronchiolitus.
but is it worth the absolute hoo ha that would cause??!!
So sorry that she is causing you so much stress. This should be a magical time for you, enjoying your first DC, and getting over the physical stresses of it all - hope you're feeling better soon.
Just ignore. I really wouldn't go down at Christmas either - it will spoil your next couple of weeks just dreading the trip, you'll have a horrible and stressful day, why put yourself, your DD, and DH through that. If she really wants to play at being mum, she can come up for a visit.
Sounds like she is trying to get between you and DH too, wanting him to stay there with DD but not you. Your DH has his own family unit now - you and DD. Extended family are hugely important, but their role is to support you, not cause you stress, and certainly not to try and divide you. Crazy woman.
'but is it worth the absolute hoo ha that would cause??!!'
Yes it is. Because it sets the scene and rules for the future. And that is that YOU are the baby's mother and YOU call the shots wrt the baby. You're still getting to know one another and adjust to motherhood, you do not need a pushy psychopath getting in the way.
This is probably the only time it is fair to give people this kind of ultimatum. Either do things the way I want and be nice to me or you don't get to see the baby. Because even if you don't do it intentionally, you're dreading of the visits will mean they see less of the baby one way or another. Better you tell them how to behave and the conditions that will make you WANT them in your child's life.
I'm baffled as to why anyone would expect to have their 5 week old gc overnight without their mother. I'd have been astonished (and probably rather worried) if my ddil had been willing to do this and I cannot imagine asking her. Dgd is nearly 2 now and we'd still be far more likely to stay at her house to look after her overnight than we'd expect her to come to ours.
YANBU. Your MIL, on the other hand, is being massively U.
YANBU! Your baby is 5 weeks old! If you don't want to leave her then don't.and as for those posters calling you unreasonable for leaving her with your mother and not MIL, as you said, you know your mother, and you don't know your MIL that well. If you refused to leave her wih a friend you didn't know well, nobody would call you unreasonable! It is your prerogative to leave your baby with whoever you feel comfortable!
My baby is 3 months and I've never left her without me. I couldn't bare to be without her. UANBU. You may have to consider seeing the mother in law with your baby more to try to ease resentment towards you, so it's a bit more fair. Esp if she knows your mum has the baby a lot/overnight. But I wouldn't leave my baby alone with anyone I wasn't comfortable with. Does your partner agree with you?
staroflight thank you for also validating that it's ok that I can call the shots so to speak. Literally she bangs on about how ridiculous and possessive I'm being over the baby! (ERM...she is my child! ? ) Told me it wasn't normal to monopolise her so much??!
YOu know what, the more I think about it, the more i don't want to be the bigger person and make the effort to go down. I hate going. I'm miserable whilst I'm there. I can't breathe whilst I'm there. Like people have said, lots of time in the future for her to have time with her. I'm still not 100% recovered from the birth.
She managed to make the trip to our neck of the woods to pick up a bloody shed she won off ebay (ONLY time she's actually visited our house) - yet continually bangs on that it's too far to expect them to travel for the day.
She can come here and see her, or she can continue to strop away! Anyways, it's not like I have to deal with her - like I said, she won't ring me or the house phone!!! I'm just going to keep repeating to DH, we're not going!!!
Oh sweetheart - you're not well enough to travel 4 hours in one day with a recently poorly very new baby to somewhere you will be uncomfortable both emotionally and physically.
This is madness.
TELL DH to just tell them that you've seen the doctor and you're not well enough to travel. If you both decide you'd like to, maybe invite them over for Christmas / boxing day / another day but explain that you're not able to have them to stay in your house, they can stay in a B&B/hotel nearby.
It is his job to protect you and help you recover. It is your job to take enough care of yourself so that you an recover and be a good mum to your DD. NOTHING else is as important as this. Certainly not the feelings of people neither of you particularly like.
lovely mumsnetters, you are really helping me get the confidence to really put my foot down about all this.
If you feel uncomfortable then you don't have to have a reason, just say 'no, I don't want to leave her overnight at all until she is much older' and that is all. If she keeps asking say 'I really did mean it, I am not going to leave her with you until she is much older' then refuse to engage.
Just thinking about it, but I'm sure I read in one of my numerous baby books that while babies are newborn that you should try to avoid exposing them to things you're allergic to in case they are too. In my case it's cats hair You could use that as a good excuse. She should come to you. My parters mum is the same, she thinks we have to visit and doesn't bother coming to us. I've gone round once since my girl was born, (I try to avoid it because they smoke so much in the house, although she didn't while we actually there) But I've made a big show of having her over for dinner and things and plan to keep having dinner occasions so that it's more they have contact at mine.
i have only ever left my 14m DD once at night..... when i was in hospital.
I have rarely left her in the day either, though i did give her to her grandparents for a few hours a day for a few days when we were moving house.
Exclusively breastfeeding made it very very easy for me to not need "excuses" though
YANBU in the slightest
I didn't want any of my 3 stay overnight away from me until they were 3 or so. I wouldn't leave them, even for a couple of hours, even with people who love them, in a house with big dogs. (I know a little girl who is scarred for life and almost lost her eye because of her own family dog)
But being supercharitable, I'd say she wants to help, she wants to have a close relationship with her grandchild, and she doesn't mean harm. Obviously it's all about her. The "my baby" stuff must be irritating but it doesn't really matter.
I think you just have to dismiss it with total politeness. "Oh it's so so sweet of you but a baby needs to be with it's mother at this age" etc I'd be proactive in inviting them to have contact with her on your terms. Having them to stay (you and DH could nip to the pub for an hour) and meeting them half way for pub lunches etc.
"Told me it wasn't normal to monopolise her so much??!"
Mad. It's not called 'monopolising', it's called 'parenting'. And it's at its most intense in the early weeks. The woman is batshit crazy, I think I said as much on your last thread.
OP I agree that it is worth putting your foot down firmly and asap.
If your fil is lovely would it work to get your dh to have a quiet word with him? Maybe he could temper some of MIL's excesses?
Is your dd the first grandchild? My PILs were also rather OTT when ds1 was born and I think had got rather carried away with their fantasies about what amazing grandparents they were going to be.
We used to get terrible phone calls from the PILs but our strategy for dealing with them/difficult conversations (FIL's latest was berating dh for not sending the dcs to a Catholic school) is we politely refuse the first time, then cut them short if they don't stop.
God if only Mumsnet had been around when DS was a little baby..... I did leave him with ex-DP's mum, at around 11 weeks. I did drive 2 hours to take him there for a 2 night sleepover. And I didn't really know her from Adam! I didn't really know what I was doing, to be honest - partly from lack of knowledge and partly from total and utter lack of sleep (and bugger all support from my own DM with whom I was staying at the time).
With the benefit of hindsight (and more sleep), I wouldn't do it again. I remember it felt very weird being without him. But I thought that was what you did, you see. Silly, eh?
havingastress you just stick to your guns. You've got Mumsnet behind you all the way, and thank God for that, or you'd be ground down into giving in.
"No. She's too young to have any kind of sleepover. She needs her Mum, and I know best". (and you do, so just trust those Mummy feelings).
I remember pinkgate thread!
So sorry you are still being bullied by her like this. I wouldn't bother trying to be the bigger person either. Start now to do what you want, and what is best for you and your 5 week old baby! She is barking! Am angry you have had all these MIL issues clouding your DD's arrival. If you put her straight NOW you might actually get to enjoy your baby's first year rather than being hounded and put down by your MIL.
and she's 2 hours away? Definitely no then.
You need to make your husband tell her no. If you can't do it yourself.
My son is almost 2 years old and has never stayed the night with anyone but me and my DH!
"Told me it wasn't normal to monopolise her so much??!"
Aaah, tell her to fuck off!
She's an interfering old cow,
I remember pink gate too! and you don't need the stress!
Oh dear oh dear. I really feel for you. I didn't know my late MIL that well, but we talked a lot and I knew I could trust her to look after DS. She still wouldn't have got overnight visits at 5 weeks though-madness.
Don't go to MIL's for Xmas. Or until you and DD feel better, actually (bronchiolitis is horrible). She probably always wants you to go there to have home advantage, feel more in charge of things. Which is mean when (i) you're still recovering from birth; and (ii) you are allergic to her dogs.
I second the advice to keep a bit more distance. If she won't speak to you on the phone, good. Please tell your DH not to pass on any messages about DD staying over (or any other MIL complaints, actually). Say it's a closed topic, you don't want to hear what MIL has to say about it for, ooh, another 3 years at least!
I am pleased you are planning to stay away from her house! DS is 13wks old and cries inconsolably if I try to leave him with Daddy and run a bath. I couldn't even have him sleep in another room, let alone a different house, let alone 2 actual bloody HOURS away! I'd probably cry all night.
It's awful that I'm thinking I wish I didn't have a MIL because yes, she is making me bloody stressed. (such a shame my work colleague isn't my mil because she's been bloody fantastic, such a support, so it's not the mil thing as such, it's the fact she's a bloody pain in the arse!)
I don't think she actually believes I am allergic to the dogs despite having seen me struggling to breathe, sneezing and wheezing every single time we have ever been. She just breezily brushes it off with 'ohh just don't be silly, breathe normally!' Last time we went (8 months pg) I was a mess, took me 6 hours to recover.
Pinkgate (lol!) was one thing..on the face of it, rather petty on my behalf and I took on board the yes i was being unreasonable comments. DD has had plenty of pink on that has been pooed on and vomited on LOL! Fair points made all round. But all this pressure post birth is just getting too much for me.
I'm DREADING to think how this will progress over the years (especially once DD can talk etc, what kind of rubbish will she be filling her head with and her stomach ...she's just made the decision to wean her grandson at 4 months...she made it...not her daughter..mind you..daughter incapable..but I don't want her to be forcing food into DD's mouth at 4 months..i want to wait til the 6 month mark)
DH has read some of the comments from last night but I am definitely going to let him read all of the thread. think it will help him massively too.
I remember your previous threads and you're definitely not BU.
You just need to stay firm and do things the way that's best for dd and you.
And if you're at all bothered by the thought that she's telling people you're not letting her be involved with the baby, just make sure every card or photo you send has written across it 'i do hope you can visit us again soon' or somesuch.
Best of luck
Meet at a mutual neutral place, like a child-friendly pub perhaps?
TBH if my MIL (or even my own DM) had bought cot, nappies etc. before she had established and developmed a relationship with any of my children it would freak me out and have me running for the hills. It is NOT a normal way to behave.
If you HAVE to give a reason you can say that when you eventually leave your baby it will be becuse she has developed a good secure and attached relationship with the person you are leaving her with.
Forget about YOUR distress atm, what about the distress to your baby? At that age she doesn't know you are coming back. You are out of sight and she thinks it is forever. It's different for people who leave their babies in regular childcare, although it is very rare that a 5 week old would be left.
She's nuts your MIL. You do know that right?
I banned my MIL from babysitting after I came home and found an empty brandy bottle in my kitchen. I didn't enter into a discussion with her, she's DPs mother, he dealt with it. You have to do what you have to do. AND you need your DH on board. You both need to sit down and decide what is acceptable and what isnt, and then you BOTH need to stick to it!
It's horrible now, and your MIL may well continue to be a PITA, but don't waste your energy worrying about too far ahead.
My MIL has got much easier to cope with in relation to DD over the years. First nursery & then school minimised any involvement with childcare, and DD has always been a fluent talker, so she simply can't bad mouth me or my family, or fill DD's head with crap as DD will come straight home and tell me all about it !
I did write on their christmas card...'Don't forget, we're only a 2 hr drive away, do please come up and visit soon' lol.
I also remember pink gate and name gate,I'm not certain but I think your pink thread was the only pink one that I agreed with and dint just say clothes are clothes,if I remember correctly she was intentionally buying everything pink and making snide comments when she did just to try and wind you up.
And the name thing she actually came out and said she wanted to exclude your entire family and your dh was also upset about both things?
Don't go up at Christmas there is no real reason why you have to.
Sorry haven't read all replies but in answer to your original question...no you are definitely not BU.
No, no, no, no, and no again.
sock yep, that's the one. The name thing still upsets me now. Actually, upsets me more because now I'm thinking OMG she said that when the baby was TWO days old and my hormones were raging after a 30+hr labour and stitches etc. Blood boils!
Am I correct in thinking that sometimes your dh has spoken to you about his upset about some of her more controlling and manipulative parenting failures over the time you have been together and that other people tiptoe around her and fall into line to prevent upsetting her because they can't deal with the fallout from her.
And that dh rather likes your mother has no issues with her?
I apologise if I'm mixing you up with another poster.
sock...no no that's me. DH gets on great with my mum and dad. DH's dad is lovely, I really like him, but feel sorry for him. Feel like he gets railroaded!
People like your MIL can only be managed by putting your foot down very firmly indeed. After all, what's the worst thing she can do? Even if she throws the most massive strop in the history of all strops, it has to be better in the long run because tiptoeing round her won't make her any easier to deal with. Sometimes I think that people like her need someone to take control and just refuse to play controlling games. It's like they don't have an off switch and the more they are pandered to the worse they get.
I think she doesn't like me because I will stand up to her (to some extent!) and far far more than DH will. She definitely thinks I wear the trousers in this household that's for sure.
Well at least she's 2 hours away
I think there's something about becoming a gran, in particular when it's their son rather than daughter who's become a parent, that turns some women into 'pushy psychopaths' as someone said above.
My MIL went nuts when my daughter was born. When my daughter was 4 DAYS old my MIL was pushing me to "go out for dinner, I'll stay here and look after her"!! She'd come into the room and tell me that the baby "has wind" when I was trying to latch her on to the boob (very very early days of breastfeeding) and would literally grab her off me and start whacking her on the back.
She (along with my FIL and my partner) got drunk and broke down about her own postnatal depression and what an awful mum she had been when her kids were babies, before running out of the room.
I ended up comforting her and reassuring her that she hadn't been a terrible mum.
She's chilled out to some extent now, but it's been a constant battle for 2+ years with her wanting my daughter to herself, wanting everyone else out of the way so that she can have the baby all to herself. Pressuring us to go out and leave the baby with her long before we were ready.
Sorry I don't have any very helpful advice beyond saying "you're not alone", as nothing has seemed to work for us, other than the passage of time. In our case, subtle hints have had no effect while anything more blatant has led to massive hurt, she is very oversensitive and reacts very badly to any perceived criticism.
However, your MIL sounds really full on and I do agree that you need to put your foot down. YANBU!
Just caught up!
OP, your MIL is about 4 miles past the line of 'fucking crazy'. I remember the original thread and see that her terrible behaviour is continuing. Stay away from her. You cannot win with her. Any attempt to pacify her will be seen as weakness. She is a bully and is intent on spoiling your early days with your child. She is out to cause trouble as she is not the centre of attention.
If your DH wants to see his mum over Xmas, suggest meeting them halfway for lunch. Whatever you do, she will be unpleasant, so minimise your time with her. Don't let her spoil your time with you gorgeous baby.
I have two sons. God I hope I'm not like this! Reading threads like this makes me resolve never to be like this!
Why do these women get so possessive? A baby needs its mother. Plenty of time for Grandma later.
I'm thinking when ds has kidsif he's moved away I'll be booking in to the local travelodge to give space while being available to do useful things around the house and hopefully get the odd squidge of newborn...
I have two sons. God I hope I'm not like this! Reading threads like this makes me resolve never to be like this!
I have 3 sons and feel the same way! But my MIL also has 3 sons and is a lovely person and great MIL, so I am not too worried - I have her good example to follow.
Even I didn't leave my little horror overnight till he was 18 months old.
I have two sons and one dgd. I promise you I am not like this and neither are any of my friends who are also the mothers of sons.
Sometimes, on MN, I read things and I feel really alien to it. Like I am on a different planet. This is how i feel about this thread.
I left ds2 (and ds1) with one of my lovely sil's, when he was only 7 wks old. i had had 7 weeks of a non sleeping child at night and was past collapsing.
One if my sil's is a nurse. She is the person you would want caring for you in hospital. The other is a Sn teacher. The other is truely lovely.
I'll leave my kids with anyone , Me. But that is because i have been blessed with truely outstanding people whoo are in the top 1%.
So, I just don't 'get ' people who can't leave their children. But I do appreciate that OP's Mil is on the scale of nutter that most of us do not have to endure!
I think it would be completely U to leave a 5 week old baby for a night full stop. I left my DS2 overnight with GPs for the first time recently and he's 2.5.
But have you left your baby with your own mum? If so then your MIL has a point that you are treating them unequally - she is just as much a part of the family as your DM. If you can say honestly you are just not ready to leave her for the forseeable future then get DH to tell MIL that and the subject is then closed for discussion.
It's silly to say both grandmothers have equal "rights" to the baby - if one is more competent/trustworthy and sees the baby more often than it is obvious that they will see the baby more. Children aren't toys that you have to share equally!
Nobody has a "right" to have someone else's baby overnight. It doesn't matter whether you are the mother of the mother of the baby or the MIL.
Bakingtins "But have you left your baby with your own mum? If so then your MIL has a point that you are treating them unequally"
There is no rule that says you have to treat everyone exactly equally according to their relationship to you/your children.
You might have one sister you're very close to and another you can't stand. You might be much closer to your step-dad than your biological father.
The OP is 100% entitled to entrust the baby to her own mother more than her MIL if she so wishes. People are individuals, with specific qualities and relationships, not just abstract ideas, and a baby is a very small and vulnerable human being, not a commodity to be shared out equally.
I think you need to put your foot down about this now. Your husband also needs to learn to stand up to his mother too.
My MIL was similar, not nasty but a little bit 'sad' about it and tried to guilt trip us into letting DD stay/ go out at a v.young age. We just laughed it off 'Are you kidding, she's only two weeks old..Ha,ha,ha'.
I think in your shoes I may have found it easier to be more abrupt. You need to show this bully that you are not intimidated by her.
Said it was too far to drive unless she was staying over. (I don't think it is personally, particularly to see your new gd, but hey that's her opinion)
My dad drove over 2hrs to see me in hospital for all of 10mins (he missed most of the visiting hrs because of traffic). People who care about you make the effort.
My son's 6 weeks and my heart skipped a beat when MIL said she was going to take him to her work. Apparently one of her friends bought in her two week old grandson! DH shut that down quickly.
When he was about a week old, my mum took him out of his basket to show family on Skype while I slept. I almost had a heart attack when I woke up! Was really angry with my mum. Being a new mum with animal instincts is something few people seem to understand. Both my mum and MIL have three kids but have seemingly forgotten what being a new mum is like.
I wonder if the poster who mentioned menopause having an effect is right! MIL often refers to DS as "our baby" too. I often wonder if she'll be as interested when he's a teenager.
yanbu, my DS was 35 months and DD 19 months when I allowed them to stay at the mil's the first time, like you I don't have a great relationship with her, wouldn't have dreamt of allowing them to stay over at 5 weeks
You werent BU on your other threads and you arent now.
Of course you are wobbly about leaving her with anyone, let alone bonkers MIL. My DS is five weeks and I just went to the hairdressers for a couple of hours leaving him with DH. Its not at all that I dont trust DH, but I was very jittery about leaving him and practically ran home. Leaving him with someone I cant trust would be horrendous.
I had been a bit sad that five weeks on, we have yet to have as much as a card or a phone call from PIL (DH called them on the day), but looking at your situation has made me think twice.
My mil badgers me to leave ds with her . It's not happening ever ,not in a million years . We haven't fallen out yet but we will if he doesn't shut up!! I just say I'm sorry I'm not ready to leave him overnight and then change the subject . Stand up for yourself ( I appreciate its tricky when you are tired etc ) if not get dh to tell her .
having DS is 2 and we've never left him overnight before. Heck, DH wouldn't leave him with babysitters until he was nearly 18 months, and I think the first one was my Mum (I used to go out to parties and things, but DH couldn't do it, so ended up staying in. win! )
Your MIL is bonkers. A control freak. A bully. I was reading the whole 'decided to wean her grandson at 4months" thing with an open mouth of horror and !
I agree with ALL the posters saying put your foot down HARD, NOW, and start setting out some ground rules for what kind of access she will have to YOUR (yes, that is right, YOUR) daughter. Like: She can come and visit in your house. Nice and simple, right?
the idea of an overnight separation from a 5 week old gives me the heebiejeebies, frankly. She isn't doing this for YOUR good or your daughter's good - it's all about her. Don't give in!
(and yes, I am the mother of a son (soon to be 2 sons!) and I will be someone's MIL some day, and by god I'll never come between a mother and her newborn, that's just outrageous!)
BUT WHY wouldn't you dh leave your child with someone. It doesn't make any logical sense.
Haven't read the whole thread. just wanted to say 5 weeks is too young to be away with anyone overnight in my opinion. But then DD is 2 & has never spent a night not with either me or DH (not for want of trying DPs have never offered and ILs are not well)
YANBU. But then if you did want to that wouldn't BU either. Just tell her no.
Get your DH to tell her once and for all to stop asking.
There is no reason a 5 week old baby needs to be away from it's mother overnight.
For everyone saying your mil should have equal rights to seeing the baby what a load of crap.
My mil is an alcoholic who injures herself on a regular basis,she has never been allowed to look after my twins and will never be left with them alone.my parents however regularly look after them because I know they won't bloody injure themselves or my children.DH is in total agreement.my mil does not have equal rights in looking after them because of the fact that she chooses to prioritise alcohol over everything else including her precious dc and dgc.
Op you must not feel pressured,your baby is the priority here.
Good luck x
Why wouldn't you leave your child with someone? Why would you, if you didn't want or need to
At 5 weeks I wouldn't have left DS for more than a couple of hours with DH, as it would have been distressing for both of us. I didn't want or need to leave him until he was 6 months old, and then just one night occasionally with my mum. Have never left him with MIL as he doesn't know her well enough.
So annoying when op's don't come back even though so many people take the time to post...
The OP last posted at 2pm today She might actually be busy with her baby...
Have been very busy with the baby - she's suffering from reflux bless her. Every feed takes an hour and then more with winding, then trying to comfort her!
gimme sorry, what did you want me to update on? I'll just have a quick read through what I've missed.
gimme the OP has a 5 week old baby and is not well herself, still recovering from birth.
Just to confirm, no, I haven't left baby with my mum overnight. We have stayed overnight at mums, but hey, it's my mum!
But other than taking her for 2 hrs whilst I went to the hairdressers, she has not spent any alone time with her. I might add the whole time i was in the hairdressers I was texting mum checking she was ok!! (the baby, not my mum ha)
My mum also hasn't demanded to take her out on her own in the pram (MIL has purchased her OWN pram so that I have no excuse not to let her ) and basically hasn't presumed or assumed anything. Bless her, she evens checks is it ok to pick her up! MIL literally grabbed DD off me
YANBU at all.
i was a bit nervous having to leave my PSB 8 month old with my PIL. for an hour.
PFB is 3 and has never been away overnight, my parents came round while I went into hospital to have no 2 and even that stressed me out! was glad to get out quickly.
congratulations on your wee baby, sorry about your MIL!
Op. why don't you send her a leaflet for one of those real lifelike doll things.
There is no way I would have left my DS at that age with anyone!! Not even DH! My MIL was going on about taking DS on holiday to Wales before we even got home from hospital, making plans for taking him away from his mum in the future for holidays. I was so and . I don't think they realise, it'll have been a long time since they had their DC so they must forget. I just didn't entertain my MIL when she said anything. My DS stayed with her overnight for one night when DH and I got married. I wouldn't do it for no reason though, that's just ridiculous
This thread is very interesting to me as I was very distressed by my MIL in the summer. She sounds similar. I posted a thread called MIL Meltdown in late July/early August.
Anyway, I'm getting on fine with her now. The meltdown happened because I refused to be bullied by her. It was quite cathartic in the end - she recognises now that DH and I are in charge. She has just done a bit of emergency babysitting for us, which I appreciate, and she was happy to do. We had a lovely chat before she left, and I'm glad we are getting on better - it's a good situation for everyone. DD is 18 months old now, and things have been tense since she was a newborn, but I can finally say that it's all going well, so it was worth sticking to my guns.
I think if I had let her bully me, I would still be quietly seething, and miserable. It was a power struggle, but now that's in the past (I think - til next time....)
seoladair your story gives me hope thank you!
I'm a mother-in-law - but I was a mother first. I wouldn't have considered leaving my tiny baby with anyone; nor would I have wanted to have my grandson overnight at that age. In fact, I'd have been pretty shocked if his parents had suggested it.
I don't understand this belief that grandparents are somehow owed time alone with a grandchild. I now mind my toddler grandson two days a week, but I don't think it's my "right". His parents (I assume) trust me enough to ask me to care for him while they work, and I'm happy to help them.
However, I don't blur the boundaries - his daddy is my child. I had my turn of nursing my babies, seeing them through sleepless nights and rearing them to adulthood. I enjoyed it hugely, but I have no desire to start again - and while I adore my grandson, I wave him off happily at the end of the day. I suspect that many grandmothers want to play mummy again with their grandchildren - I'd nip any sign of this in the bud.
You're the parents; your baby is not a new toy to be shared around the family. It's completely natural that you want to keep her close at this stage - enjoy her.
Babyboomer- you sound completely normal and sane. I feel reassured now that becoming a grandma won't turn me into a frothing possessive lunatic.
I was a bit scared reading the horror stories on this thread, but I think if you weren't a mad control freak before you had grandchildren, you are not likely to suddenly become one the day they are born.
I'm a gran. I looked after my DGS a couple of times over night when he was tiny (he's only just coming up to six months now so still not exactly large lol). But I looked after him at my DD's home, and the only reason was to enable my DD and her DP to get some much needed sleep. Him being more than a room away from his parents was as unthinkable to me as it was to them.
I will never understand these self centered grannies-who-see-themselves-as-mums. I simply cannot get my head round the lack of empathy and zero respect they show their children and their partners, let alone their grandchildren.
An idea occurred to me when reading this thread. It might not be appropriate in this case but it might help someone else. If one of these crazed grans want to have their DGC over night suggest they take over the care at the parents' home for a night rather than at their own. That would soon weed them out, and calling their bluff might get them to back off a bit.
Good luck to all trying to deal with these women. My heart goes out to you.
There are some lovely MILS/grannies on this thread.
fish good plan actually for my mil, thank you for idea!
Mil and granny here too (even though my dd is younger than dgs) when dgs was born I never imagined I'd ever do anything unless asked by dil.
Around 6 weeks they were very tired so I tentatively suggested I would do some night feeds whilst either staying at mine or theirs. They were grateful and enjoyed the break.
On another note I wasn't able to breast feed my last baby so mil also thought she could massively overstep the mark. I felt annoyed that just because I wasn't breast feeding it was assumed that I didn't have a bond with my baby
babyboomersrock and Fishlaar If only all MILs had the same attitude as you. It would let DILs enjoy their time with their babies instead of having to stress with MILs who want to be mothers again. I for one had no idea this dynamic existed. I knew that there were problems between MILs and DILs but didn't know why and never thought it would happen to me. It has been a real eye opener.
babyboomer That was a wonderful, articulate and sane post to read on this thread! As one of the many who suffers with a MIL who wants to play mummy, but my own mother is more like you, I think a lot of it has to do with how happy and satisfied you were with your own experience of bringing up babies.
My mother had 3 daughters and was (is) an amazing mum. She took to motherhood easily (including 3 relatively easy births) and clearly enjoyed and loved being a mum.
My MIL has 2 sons, was deeply traumatised by her first experience of pregnancy and childbirth (not that I think it was any worse than my mum's, it doesn't seem to have been objectively terrible - nothing bad happened - but I think she was traumatised by the loss of control as she's a total control freak - her own words) and then suffered bad postnatal depression with her first baby (my partner).
I think this has a lot to do with how different they are as grans. In two ways - firstly my MIL sees being a new mum as really terrible and difficult, so she thought any "help" (like rearranging everything in my kitchen) would be appreciated, whereas my mum understood that I wanted time and space to chill out with my partner and baby.
Secondly, and maybe more importantly, for my MIL becoming a gran was like a chance to repair/erase/make up for the terrible experience she had of PND. She actually said to me when my daughter was 5 days old "this is what I always wanted, a perfect little girl" and I thought "but you don't have one, she's mine!"
Whereas my mum has happy memories of her own early experiences of motherhood, so she doesn't need/want to try to replay it by being a gran.
Not saying that evryone who has PND turns into a nightmare grandma, or that it all comes from the same root, but I think it might explain it with a lot of the MILs described on this thread.
YANBU at all. I think at 5 weeks I hadnt been apart from my baby other than to go to the loo or bath/shower.
I was going to say YABU about your original comment about it being different if it were your mum, but reading on, the issue clearly isnt that its your MIL per se, but just that shes a pure nutter. If you had a sane lovely mil like I do you would probably feel different!
eccentrica that is an interesting theory and makes sense to me. In lots of areas of life our experiences influence future behaviour. Your theory could explain why some gps kit out an entire nursery for their dgc - perhaps when they first became parents they didn't have the money to do buy all the lovely things they saw, and now they can.
I think it is worth re-stating your last sentence: 'not everyone who has PND turns into a nightmare grandma'. If anyone with PND is reading this, the last thing they need is something else to worry about, and chances are they will be lovely grannies one day.
How wonderful to hear that there are sane grannys out there!! I am sure you have a brilliant relationship with your own DC as well as thier off spring....woe beditide any dils who complain about you - they dont know how lukcy they are!!
Op - dont waver - dont dilly dally or be wishy washy.
very clear " no, its not right for us or me - her mother right now"
seoladiair - i remeber you !! BRILLIANT that you can all get on - you had that painful volcanoe part but it seems that now you are on the other side it was worth it all round and i bet she reallly respects you too for standing your ground.
I was thinking how lovely these grannies are - my Mum is a granny like that - VERY tactful, adores her Dgcs but never overbearing - and I hope to be one like that, too!
I'm going to reply to Elizaregina but hopefully without thread hijacking, as I think my story is quite relevant to the OP.
Yes, I stood my ground, without ever saying anything she could throw back at me (although I said some quite strong things to poor old DH!). I was always polite to her.
I haven't stayed at their house overnight since the meltdown, though we will be spending 2 nights there after Xmas. We have been to their house for dinner a couple of times, and they have been to our flat. I much prefer short visits - she doesn't have time to get too overbearing, and I can cope better.
The other thing I have noticed is that she is much much less bossy when she is at our place. I think she is territorial, and has to feel she is in charge when she is at home. So the suggestion made by Fish that your MIL might come to yours now and again might be a good one - although this might not work for everyone!
She has realised that everyone is happier if we all get on, so she has made a big effort. I think the meltdown helped us to get to this point, but it's a rather drastic strategy that I wouldn't really recommend!
Best of luck.
seoldair I can relate to how you think she's territorial at her own house ie. giving her more control.
My MIL is now throwing a strop (she does this everytime I do put my foot down about something) because DH has now said repeatedly, No we have no need to stay over and won't be staying over - and has now not rung/spoken to DH in the last 3 days. Her latest was telling DH I was obviously feeding daughter incorrectly if she has reflux and she would 'take baby off my hands' when we visit and show me how to do it properly.
I'm now trying to work out how the hell I will keep hold of DD the whole way through the visit!!
obviously realise I can't do this and it would be mean to not let her hold her own gd but this is how she makes me feel
Actually suits me just fine ..although I realise it won't last and she'll be back to her nagging/annoying ways very soon given Christmas is round the corner and she'll be wanting to bully us to stay longer than we want to.
Yanbu!!!! Op I feel so sorry for you!please ensure dh helps you with this and deals with mil so you can bond and rest with dd. In my case I had to stop answering the phone in case it was crazy mil and another attempt to make me leave dd with her.stand your ground but be polite, try to distance yourself and eventually she will get the hint...
And look after yourself!
Can you get a sling? Reflux babies often like being carried in a sling. A wrap around stretchy Moby wrap or similar is good and then she won't be able to grab baby because she will be strapped to you, semi upright which is good for reflux!
Look on YouTube for how to tie a Moby wrap videos.
She sounds a pain, keep being a tigress.
YANBU. Even my own mother didn't have mine overnight until about 3-4 years. Didn't leave young baby unless had hospital etc. Don't let her pressure you. She can see the baby with you. And don't do extended visits either. Just say she is welcome to see baby with you there but not on own till you are ready. Keep repeating as needed.
So throwing a strop = not calling DH for three days? Sounds like you need to put your foot down more often and benefit from the strops!
Seriously, how often does she normally call him? Because more than every three days seems like a lot.
Sorry, I could be clearer, wear the baby in a sling
My MIL is totally domineering in her house too - why do all these problem MILS sound the same!!
Have they all been to Horrid MIL training camp????
A friend said to me - my mils house stuff is about " attention" - her bossyness is just a way of diverting attention to herself....
Instead of just letting people " be" in her house - its " dont touch this - dont step on that - SHOES OFF....your doing this to my house - your doing that...."
A friend said - its attention seeking behaviour - as well as control freakness.
I couldnt bear to go there for a good six months before fell preggers - then decided to give it all another shot for everyones sake - then as you say having a stress....she went mad getting stuff - the most basic cheap crappy wrong size car seat - they had brought on cheap for visitng friends - a second hand cot - very old - from a neighbour etc - offered to get a pram but not with me!!!! With her own mother abroad!!!!
Was very very negative when I brought the smallest things - like some nice body suits...kept telling me " I" shouldnt buy......
Told me i should buy a cellular blanket because she had already brought us a blanket ( thin cotton for summer!!!!NOT cellular!!)..
Then after the baby was born she totally freaked out - went MAD...whilst i was in hospital rearranged the whole house!!! Threw things out - moved stuff - made rude comments about my cleaning!!!
I used to think DD would benefit from seeing them - but years on I have to ask myself - why am I letting her go there - to a house that has driven DH nearly mad - me mad - alone?
Having - the dog thing really is a gift from god - use it! Say your allergy has got alot worse - MUST be the hormones- cant possibly risk it!!!
so rude and nasty and selfish.....not to even ask how you are for goodness sake -
I always think - do unto others as you would have done to yourself -
ask yourself what you would have to think of your DIL or even SIL to treat them like this!
I think your being very very kind about all this - she is treating you with such utter contempt and like total shit....
Incidently, I gave birth on the Weds and she was insisting on coming to stay for 4 (!!) days commencing on the Friday so that she could 'bond' with her GD. I just couldn't stand the thought (milk would just be in, long difficult labour, forceps, episiotomy, in pain etc).....DH put his foot down and said no, but please do come and visit and see the baby whilst we're in hospital and she point blank refused and got a massive strop on!!
OMFG. Run. To. The. Hills.
take the baby off your hands and show you how to do it properly
Keep away from her till she's learnt how to respect some boundaries.
you are being a inconsistent and unfair allowing your Baby to stay with your DM but not your DMIL, however, I would be unhappy to leave a baby in a house with 'big dogs'.
<sits on the fence>
CaHo, the baby has not stayed overnight with DM, just for two hours inday while OP had hair cut. In any case the baby is not a doll to be shared out with GPs taking turns to have a go. The new mother and new baby come as a package in the early days and should be cared for supportively by the family with respect and love. There is precious little respect and support from one family member - MIL - who is instead upsetting the mother with unreasonable and selfish demands that are upsetting to the mother and hence upsetting to the baby too.
Schnapps took the words out of my mouth, almost exactly. I was going to say "a baby is not a commodity to be parcelled out equally." Grandparents do not have automatic rights over a child. If they can't be nice to the mother, then they shouldn't expect to be regarded as a positive influence on the child.
Don't talk daft! Inconsistent!! It's a baby, not a cake to share out evenly! OP doesn't have to leave her baby with anyone she isn't comfortable with. If her mother is the only person she trusts, then that's fair enough! My mil could also be a nightmare. She also could also have bleated about it not being fair that my mum got to have him and she didn't! Mil is a smoking, housework shy, smelly dog owner with alcoholic tendencies. My mother isn't!
eliza I think your MIL and mine went to the same finishing school that's for sure! Almost identical story really! My MIL told us to take our brand new playmat back because she'd already bought one for 'her baby' and we therefore didn't need ours! (i actually screamed 'NO! You take YOURS back!! but then I was a few days before being induced due to OC and rather hormonal lol)
She buys all sorts and has not once checked before buying if it's ok/we need it/we would like her to buy it - basically wants DD to have all stuff she wants rather than what I would like. Most of it is bought off car boots/second hand which perse I don't have an issue with (all the clothes I've bought DD have been second hand off ebay because we are skint) but she buys CRAP! I, at least, buy decent stuff just at a cheap price! (e.g my gorgeous John Lewis £300 cot for £32!!)
Not looking forward to seeing just how much
crapshe has bought for 'her baby' for Christmas. She has already hinted. Much as I realise I should be grateful that she wants to spoil her GD I really don't think she takes into account our feelings at all (for eg where the hell we will be expected to keep all this stuff which the baby doesn't need/appreciate/even know she's got it!)
Dog allergy - you're right. TBH it's pretty bad anyways, but I'm willing to suck it up just for one day so I don't look like the
bitch unreasonable DIL she thinks I am..but I think it will have to have got significantly worse so that we can only stay the 6 hrs or so!!
schnapps thanks for the idea, will have a look at the link. Could be a godsend.
Interesting. The same issues crop up again and again with the bad MILs.
Our meltdown was kicked off because of MIL foisting nasty looking second-hand things on us inc. old car seat and stained old loo-seat cover and potty.
MIL also talks about "my baby" and "my precious" which is a bit irritating but not worth arguing about.
We have also had issues with the dog, but they have finally got the message, and are much more vigilant around the dog now, thank goodness.
It was all quite tense for the first year but I think things have settled down satisfactorily for everyone now. PILs have finally understood that DH and I are in charge, even when we visit them. Crucially, they have understood that if they are disrespectful to me, they will see less of their GD. I want everyone to get on, so it's a huge relief that MIL is now being less domineering.
However, I don't blur the boundaries - his daddy is my child. I had my turn of nursing my babies, seeing them through sleepless nights and rearing them to adulthood. I enjoyed it hugely, but I have no desire to start again - and while I adore my grandson, I wave him off happily at the end of the day. I suspect that many grandmothers want to play mummy again with their grandchildren - I'd nip any sign of this in the bud.
I second this. I adore my dgd and feel very privileged to have spent so much time over the last nearly 2 years watching her grow from a tiny baby into an increasingly independent (and very conversational!) little girl. But I take my lead from her parents because they are her parents. Not me. Instead, I have the joy of grandparenthood which brings its own huge delights. There's truly nothing to beat a beaming welcome, a kiss and an "Uv Yoo, Nanny!" to make your day.
I don't believe that grandparents should be delegated into first and second class depending on whether they are paternal or maternal but I do believe that every parent should make their own decisions about who looks after their child and when.
I also know that while I'm always happy to childmind or babysit, you really don't have quite the stamina you had back in the days when you had a baby. Something I was reminded of when pushing a sleepy toddler up a very steep hill in her buggy. 30 years ago I could positively fly up those hills!
OP, I just wanted to add my sympathies and a resounding YANBU. Also, I'd second what Schnapps said about the sling: my DS had horrible reflux when he was little and a sling was a godsend. We used a Moby first, then a Manduca which I still use occasionally now (he's nearly 2!). They made all our lives so much better!
Good luck, and stick to your guns.
"Not looking forward to seeing just how much
crap she has bought for 'her baby' for Christmas. She has already hinted. Much as I realise I should be grateful that she wants to spoil her GD I really don't think she takes into account our feelings at all (for eg where the hell we will be expected to keep all this stuff which the baby doesn't need/appreciate/even know she's got it!)"
So just don't keep it! Donate if it's good enough, ditch if it isn't. And feel no guilt. She doesn't.
I agree with every word!
I showed this to my DH and he says no way should she expect/demand an overnight stay and to get your DH to man up, stand up to her, he is the gate keeper to your family. Our 8 week year old is snoozing next to us and we agree that other than a dire medical emergency (us not her) we wouldn't leave her with anyone. Don't let your MIL bully you. Good luck and enjoy your little one
Never left mine overnight , youngest three, just say no, i couldn't be parted sorry.
I felt forced into leaving ds1 with MIL at an early age because my mum had looked after him they said it was only fair. I wish I'd have followed my heart. Nothing ever happened to him but it definitely did not help my pnd at all and I regret allowing them to pressure me. Follow your heart, when you're ready it'll be easier
stained old loo-seat cover
I have to say my MIL would be wearing a nuclear suit and having chemical showers if she had to handle a stained old loo seat cover!!
I didnt mind the fact the stuff was second hand either - we got loads of stuff from freecyle, car boots , ebay BUT it was the attitude it came with - almost like i wasnt capable of getting good bargins myself and that by buying two small vests i was being extravagant and wasting money....also of course old cots might not conform to safety standards with bar width - and she did buy us a lolvey trendy expensive pram, but not " with " me - she didnt want to share that with me - knowing my own DM is not with us anymore - i thought for a number of reasons she could have offered to take me with her - as i would be using it, - then Fil went on and on and on about how he was
" saving us pennies" with this stupid basic car seat...it was a toddler one anyway!!!
Then we got given loads of rubbish from when DH cousins were babies about 19 years ago - a creaky - jerky sort of baby swing thats loud and horrid - other rubbish and THEN THEY TELL US OUR HOUSE IS FULL OF JUNK!!!and too much stuff!!!!
Again all the attitudes that we were somehow ungrateful, in capable etc etc.....
As I have said repeatedly before about MILS - if mine could have just " asked" me what we were after - what kind of thing etc.....i would have happily gone with her to track stuff down - looked on line - included her in what i was looking for - i really wanted to have that DM and DD connection that is gone for me, for us both to share the joy of this amazing thing....but that was my biggest mistake - she isnt interested - she is in competition with me - agaisnt me - not with me at all!!! There is no two way dialogue she is in control and thats it.
Have been reading through this thread and am stunned by the crazy possessiveness of the OP's MIL! In no way AYBU! I am due any day now with first DD and already cannot imagine handing her over at 5 weeks! I was appalled enough at the suggestion made by friends of my DP that we meet up in a couple of months after the birth and their MIL could look after the baby while we went out..... She may be a lovely woman, but I dont know her at all and really resent the assumption that I will be prepared to palm my dd off on just anyone, let alone someone who is a total stranger to me. I have made it quite clear to DP that this will never happen. I seem to recall as it was suggested my hands automatically started forming little claws!
Stand your ground OP, just say NO. And if she continues to insist - tell her that to be honest her obsession is really weird and creepy and the more fuss she makes the more unlikely it is that she will ever have the opportunity to look after GD. Failing that buy her one of those creepy lifelike dolls she can obsess over instead of your precious bundle.
And I've been stressing over visiting family all sitting around watching me & waiting for me to pop... I thought that was pressure enough! I think you have it worse OP, good luck!
I think mine sees herself generally as the " family buyer" thats her sort of self given role....she still expects to buy my DH clothes!!!! She tried to dress him for a funeral recently!! I had already taken a suit to the dry cleaners and hell broke loose because " she" had brought him a new suit and wanted him to wear it!!!
we are v tight on £ too - and had to stock up on some witner stuff for DD, a dressing gown, vests - knickers - socks - the next week DH went to mils and came back with a bag of exaclty the same stuff!! it was a nice gesture but it was al double - such a waste and such a shame! and yet we still need slippers - wellies and other bits....now we have tons of knickers and two dressing gowns!!
5 weeks? What is she going to do? Breastfeed the kid with her ancient, saggy, milk-free boobs?
Cripes. And big dogs slobbering around the house too.
I think you need to be honest with her - no pussy-footing about with this one. Don't cut her any slack. Or get your DP to have a stern word with her himself.
OP, have you got your 6 week check booked in some time soon?
You could always ask your GP about whether he/she thinks it's a good idea for a newborn recovering from bronchiolitis, plus her unwell , severely allergic mother, to stay in a house with dogs who shed lots of hair. It's likely that the doctor would agree that meeting in your home ( or a dog free pub in the middle ) would be better for the health of you and the baby. And if you've been medically advised to avoid MIL's house, your argument becomes stronger.
Of course, even without medical advice, you are completely reasonable in wanting to stay away from allergy-causing, large dogs.
If MIL wants to see DD, she can come to you. Sounds more like she wants to make sure DH still comes running to jump to her demands when she snaps her fingers. It seems to be all about wresting control away from you rather then genuinely wanting what's best for her grandchild.
Just had my 6 week check. Also, just got back out of hospital yesterday. Been suffering from stomach pains - turns out is all connected with nerve damage suffered from the birth ( lovely forceps and episiotomy!). Actually been physically a bit of a mess from the birth, starting to see the light now as the weeks pass by.
We skyped his mother last night. You'll all love this.
We agreed we'd skype at 8pm. We were a little late (8.15) but that was because DD bless her puked up and I had to change her. Anyways, logged on - there was DH's youngest sibling (18) who still lives at home - no sign of MIL.
We asked where she was and were told she's gone to bed! Thought sibling was lying, because obviously she's been going on and on about not seeing DD..but no! She had!
Anyway, probably unreasonable of me, but I insisted sibling went to tell her we were online as agreed. She did get out of bed, said she'd 'forgotten' about us.
Then spent the next 20 mins going on about how 'fat' baby has become (erm..8 lb 12 at 6 weeks check so hardly big!) whilst sibling kept saying 'why haven't you been bothered to come down and visit'
So..I let rip and firmly said 'Erm, no excuse me, I've just given birth, you should be making the effort to come and see the baby, I shouldn't have to be racing around the country when the baby is so small'
Sibling obviously got this opinion from MIL! So I made sure i repeated on a couple of occasions, well I am still recovering from a rather difficult birth and no, I"m still not well (DH mentioned I'd been in hospital all day and MIL didn't react at all, didn't ask what was up/how was I, just changed the subject!!!!)
There is definitely now a sense of a power struggle between myself and MIL - I'm now getting some balls and standing up to up much more firmly than I have in the past. She really really doesn't like this. I"m going to keep doing it until she gets the message.
sigh wish I could insist we won't go for the day at Christmas. DH feels torn, feels we should at least make the effort for a day, given that it's been agreed now that we are spending 3 days with my family (they live 5+ hrs away) so makes sense we can visit on the way back. She doesn't know yet that we're spending christmas with my mum - she's going to go ballistic when she finds out
Goodness. In your position I'd be sat resting on my sofa and not driving around to see everyone! Couldn't your parents come to you? All sounds a bit much in your situation. Let your MIL go ballistic. The more reasonable you are (eg. pointing out you are recovering from giving birth), the more unreasonable she will look. Well done for standing up to her!
Yes, well done! The more I hear of this woman the more I am astounded by how she is. Remember, YANBU!
bookfairy at the risk of outing myself in RL (if you know me, please don't say anything!) ......my mum had a life saving major operation the week before I was induced. Obviously fairly traumatic for her and me. She is now in recovery, and I have been down once since baby was born to both see her and so that she could see the baby.
I'm very very close to my parents. They would definitely come up here if mum was well, and at no point has mum said we have to go down for Christmas. Indeed, she actually said don't come, have a rest etc. but I want to see her, I want to cheer her up with the baby (she's been desperate for grandkids for years!)
Both my mum and dad are quietly annoyed (though far too polite to say anything out loud!) that mil has been so bloody pressurising with me, and can't believe that she'll happily travel 2 hrs in a car to pick up something for her but won't do it to come and visit! Especially given I'm still recovering.
I've seen my mum once and my MIL once since giving birth. My mother for 3 days (2 overnight, baby in with me and being dealt with by me!! ) and MIL for one day. Before we knew my mum had to have surgery, she was going to come up and stay with us for the first two weeks after DH went back to work to help me with the baby. She feels awful that she hasn't been able to support.
I think every parents different and will know when they feel comfortable for overnight stays
my mum stays a while away and takes our 3dd for the weekend when she can she works shifts
my dmil takes our 3dd 2 nights a week and dd loves this time with her my dh has very close family who enjoy taking our 3dd overnight every week usually at different times it gives me and dh a free night aweek together. Granted what works for us wouldnt suit everyone, and we never ask them to have any of our DDs. It really is down towhen you and dh are comfortable to spend some time away from you precious bundle as the baby stage goes in way to quickly
I'm sorry I don't agree with the she's DHs mum argument. When DS was small mil would quite often pass comment on my parenting and how I could do things better, I'm not saying my mum always agreed with the way I did things but I knew I could trust her to do as I asked, I couldn't trust mil as far as I could throw her and she quite often did things I'd expressly asked her not to.
Regardless of all that 5 weeks is IMO much to little for an overnight, speak to DH, decide what you both feel comfortable with and work from that
There's so much in your story that's similar to mine. When my baby was 6 weeks old, MIL said "That baby's very fat, are you feeding her too much? She needs to go on a diet." I told my health visitor who said it wasn't just a silly thing to say, it was actually dangerous, as babies need a layer of fat to sustain them if they get sick.
I think you need a frank discussion with mil - with dh and sibling there (over Skype so you can hang up) explain in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is out of order - she is rude to you, dismissive of you and obsessive in all the wrong ways about your dd. That her behaviour is in danger of damaging this relationship. End with - are you prepared to deal with your issues mil? and how will you do this. She should be under no illusions that if she doesn't sort it out then contact will be minimal and always supervised.
She will probably kick off - but maybe you need to just bring it all out in the open rather than power play - don't shout and stick to the facts.
Really good advice from maddening - but I don't think you should imply that if she does sort out her issues, that she will then get unsupervised contact, otherwise she will behave moderately well then demand unsupervised contact and say that you promised it.
seoladair ridiculous isn't it! I wouldn't mind, aren't babies supposed to have little double chins bless em, it's the way their head hangs forward squishing it!
Bought a baby magazine today, and every single baby in there looked like mine! So she is being stupid.
It was just her way in to ask (again) 'How much are you feeding her?'
My answer - ENOUGH!
(although she then asked again, so I said, "why are you so interested as to how many mls she's getting a day?! She's getting enough. HV and MW both delighted with her and me)
FTR This is exactly how I feel. I know if I left baby with my mum she would only feed her (for eg) the 5oz bottle. MIL would probably try and force feed her solids! (well maybe not at the minute, but given she's taken the decision to wean her own grandson at 4 months and not her daughter, I wouldn't put it past her later down the line)
She also said last night, 'Oh when you come don't forget you don't need to bring anything, I have everything and anyway, I'll be feeding and changing her when you're here'
I replied with, Well that's lovely of you to offer, but we'll be coming for the day, and we will bring our own milk and we have a changing mat. You won't need to do anything except give her a cuddle.
I may be being paranoid, but the more she says, the more I think she does want to play 'mum' ....it would be totally different if I handed her over and said yes please I'd love you to feed and change her for the next few hours, give me a rest - but to just presume I'm going to be fine with that?!
(I know i know, it's ridiculous I should let her change some pooey nappies lol but I know it means more than that to her)
It is a power struggle, but I would advise you to let the small things go, because your life will just be better that way. Let her change some dirty nappies, (and see if she wants to launder the clothes which have been soiled by exploding nappies!)
Oh bless you, what a stressful and traumatic time.
Stick to your guns and keep repeating "I am not being unreasonable"
Really feel for u OP....your story is so familiar to how I felt ...only it was my DM that was pressuring me not mil about most of the same sort of things.
Even now my DM says she is hurt I didn't want her to take dd out for the day at 6weeks old...she has always pressured me about 'alone time' with dd while she was a baby and it hurts me sometimes as I always wonder why it's so important not to have her own dd about to bond with her dgd.
Also my DM used to make comment about my dd's weight and I always knew it was just baby chub and now at 18 months old she is perfectly healthy and my DM was been ridiculous. DM is a heavy smoker so my dd has never stopped over at her house and this also causes arguments but I am just not comfortable with it...Infact dd has never stopped out yet as we co sleep.
I stuck to my guns but my relationship with DM has suffered...it hurts so much that she was so determined to be in control she allowed our relationship to suffer so much rather than letting me take the lead as a parent myself now.
All I can say is yanbu......I just wish it was my mil I had the problem with rather than my DM :-(
Congratulations on your baby!
YA soooo NBU!
My baby is nearly 4 months old and MIL loves having her and has looked after her on a couple of occasions for a couple of hours.
My mum had her over night for the first time and I trust her 100%. I have an older DS and as I was on my own when I had him my mum was more like a second parent to him so she knows how I like things to be done, she knows the bedtime routine etc, I just trust her and feel totally happy with leaving her with her but the mil is different.
I know it sounds stupid but I don't like the fact that before she was even born she bought a stash of stuff for her, she's got her own little drawer full of nappies, clothes etc, she's even got her own buggy for her! It was like an assumption that she's going to be looking after her all the time. I don't like the fact that we leave her for a couple of hours and when I pick her up she's in different clothes, ones which I haven't bought or ever even seen before. I know I'm probably a bit of a control freak but I just don't like it, it freaks me out a bit.
I know that eventually I'm going to have to leave her over night, well I don't have to but my DS is 3 and will still only stay at my mums over night because I would never let anybody else have him so I think it is best for them to get used to staying at different places but not just yet! Omg I'm getting all panicky just at the thought!
dinky It is weird isn't it though that it's exactly the same? Why oh why do they do it without a thought as to how it makes us feel?
poppy Yep, same here. I said earlier back in the thread..MIL has own room set up for 'her baby' and same as you, nappies, clothes, buggy etc! Bloody freaky if you ask me! That would totally freak me out her thinking it's ok to change her outfit - moreso because I know my own mum would never dream of changing dd's outfit unless she'd had an accident, and I know it would be the first thing she told me when I got back in (as in, oh sorry she's in different clothes but she had a little accident)..
I can see MIL just changing her for the bloody sake of it and putting her in pink
(my mum I also feel the same about as you)
So understand where you are coming from. It must be the animal instinct in us to keep our children close. It must be there for a reason as its a natural instinct! Don't go against your instincts. I can't believe they can't remember what it was like. They just seem to put their own needs before ours.
Just an example of mother's instinct. I always thought the same as you about my MIL. But of course she denied it and her family denied it so in turn made me doubt myself. She said when it looked like I might have to go back to work when DS1 was 6 months (I didn't in the end luckily) to leave him with them indefinitely. They live 4 hours away! She denied saying this afterwards (gaslighting). Fast forward a year and I saw on Gransnet that she had written 'Some children prefer their grandparents to their parents' and then used my son to illustrate her point! It was at his birthday party and I was breastfeeding DS2 every 2 hours so I wasn't spending as much time 'at the party' and so he spent alot of time with them.
Mother's instinct is there for us to protect our children and our relationship with our children above anyone else. Just think of yourself as a lioness! If you leave your baby with her I would think you would feel incredibly guilty later. Its just not worth it for someone like her. Wait until you are ready.
I definitely think its an animal instinct, I HATE it when another woman has been holding my baby and then she smells of the woman's perfume. I have to give her a bath! when MIL has changed dd's clothes she washes them and then I have to wash them again so they smell of my detergent and my house. That's just like animals rubbing their own scent on their babies.
I think in my case I know that she had wanted a little girl but got 2 boys so I think it's nice for her to have a baby girl to look after and I think most women love dressing little girls up. Maybe if we'd had a boy she wouldn't be so OTT.
OP, I haven't read the entire thread, but just wanted to add that what your MiL is asking you to do is not normal. Even if she was the nicest, most reliable woman with a safe home and no dogs, it would still not be normal to drive for 2 hours, leave your baby, drive 2 hours back home, drive 2 hours back the next day, collect your baby, and drive baby 2 hours back home. You do not need to give reasons or excuses or put her off for the time being, it is perfectly alright for it not to happen at all - ever!
In fairness to your MiL, she may inhabit a world where girls have babies very young, often while still living at home, or as far away as the next street and, in these cases, the line between Mum and Gran can become a little blurred. Your circumstances are entirely different, and your MiL does not seem bright enough to realise the difference.
My 9 mo has not been left without me for one night yet, not even with dh. I'm fine with that and you can be too!
Just don't go to her over Xmas. Send dh on his own. Its just going to be really stressful for you, especially as you're still recovering. I do agree with whoever suggested upthread about having an 'intervention' on Skype with your DH and telling her to back off.
And make sure when you Skype dd is wearing something that MIL bought. Dyed blue.
I think your DH needs to really stand up the plate here and let his DM know - that her behaviour is absolutly not acceptable.
Its NOT to late to cancel a visit there.
Isnt he really upset that she has been so rude and dismissve your condtiion and well being>? He tells her you have been to hospital - should she - as well as sending her love to you - also be " comnforting" and supporting him??????????And reasurring him?>>
Or does he just realise that she doesnt seem keen on you or that she is selfish - either - or any way - you have been through an ordeal - and you dont need this extra stress.
HE should be shielding you from all this - in light of her personality she should have been knocked out of the xmas equation as soon as it was apparent you had a tough delivery....you dont need this hanging over you! someone like that shoving her greedy wants on you!
He should simply tell her - its too much for you - your very sorry but you thought you could make it - but you are physically not up to it and you need to be supported and cared for.....
If she finds out you are going to your mums - the WOMAN WHO CARES TRUELLY FOR YOU - tell her that!!
Yes - Having needs to be in an environment where she is cared for and thats with her parents - THEY didnt make any demands on her - THEY understood she had been through a nasty delivery and the demands of a new born AND THEY are also going through A TOUGH TIME.
YET they were also able to still put having and the baby FIRST.
why oh why oh why put yurself thorugh this - as a matter of principle i really dont think you shoudl go!
IF she said " nonsense of course i care about having" you have a whole LIST of times/examples of how she doesnt give a shit about you!!!
just say no you dont want toleave her yet,shes too young.say it nicely,as if its no big deal and wouldnt crossyour mind toleave her with anyone else.
I'm not leaving my house on Christmas Day, if anybody wants to see us then our front door will be open all day and they will be greeted with a hug and a glass of champagne. But I am spending my day
cooking, drinking wine, tripping over boxes, trying to calm a hyper toddler relaxing in my own home.
I'd be tempted to say your car has broken down and you can't go anywhere but they're welcome to visit you, there's even a travelodge down the road! Don't let them stay over at yours, that would be even worse!
I wonder if you would benefit from a " relate" session to help your DH see that he now has to unlatch from his mum - a very difficult task if he has been bullied and cajoled and controlled his whole life by her - how to deal with her - and how to put up boundaries to protect your family unit ....
He says " ignore" her but she is pretty hard to ignore and it sounds like she is alwas in touch and sulking and calling and skyping,,,she is still very much controlling things.
A relate counsillor may hhelp him get her in persepective and how to support you more as wlel...
Mil had ds for a couple of hours twice when he was tiny. Both times I came back to find her changing him out of outfits she'd kept from when her youngest dd was a baby. His clothes were clean, there was a full outfit in the change bag.
Turns out it was a symptom ofhuge problems with boundaries and appropriateness, and ds at nearly 9 years doesn't spend time with her alone till he's old enough to be told why.
My friend's mil looks after her DC a couple of days a week whilst she works and one day she had dd's (about 18 months old) hair chopped off! Didn't ask, didn't even mention she was thinking about, just thought she would get her shoulder length hair cut really short like a boy. My friend is devastated! I could imagine my mil doing something like that. She's even booked foreign holidays for her other DGC without thinking to run it past their mum first!
I think she means well but I do think there's some boundary issues.
It's incredibly supportive to know that I"m not alone here and that people do get/understand where I am coming from.
DH said today it's just tough if his mother kicks off that we are spending christmas with my mum and dad. His SIL and husband are spending christmas with mil and their 5 month old baby (so mils first grandchild) so as DH said, well her daughter has gone to hers for Christmas, so she should understand that you want to spend dd's first christmas with your mum.
Ironically, we quizzed MIL the other day about SIL's husbands mother - i.e. does nephew stay overnight with her. And MIL replied (legendary!!) with ,
No, I don't trust his mother to have him. I'm 'Sarah's mother therefore 'Joshua' is more my child than hers' (names changed!!!)
In other words, she thinks that herself, but then doesn't see why I'm closer to my own mum than her and happy to leave DD with my mum and not her!
Laughable really! I'm actually storing this one up to use as ammo!
poppy I actually think i would kill MIL if she cut DD's hair! Hence why she is never ever ever having time alone with her! (for the foreseeable future!)
(I remember my own mum telling me that her MIL had cut my brother's hair, first haircut when he was two! So obviously, this type of thing happens a lot, and seemingly some crazy crazy grandmas don't realise it's not their decision to make!)
havingastress Dog allergy - you're right. TBH it's pretty bad anyways, but I'm willing to suck it up just for one day so I don't look like the bitch unreasonable DIL she thinks I am..but I think it will have to have got significantly worse so that we can only stay the 6 hrs or so!!
Why does it matter if you do look like an unreasonable DIL? Your DH knows you aren't. So who cares what she thinks?
hello havingastress I posted near the top and have been following your thread. A couple of examples you and others have posted would be quite funny if they weren't so awful.
I think elizaregina makes some interesting points. From what you've said, your MIL does seem to have boundary issues... a few times I've though she sounds a bit narcissistic. Growing up with a mother like this is likely to have affected your DH to at least some extent - even if he rejects the idea of counselling maybe reading a bit about this subject might help. I know a lot of people who recommend reading 'toxic parents' and personally I found 'when you and your mother can't be friends' to be helpful.
I agree I think I would kill anybody if they went near a hair on either of my children's heads (apart from a hairdresser of course), DS is 3 and if even his dad took him for a haircut without my say so I'd be upset. Me a control freak? Never! Lol
It was the little girl's first haircut btw, if she'd maybe just had it trimmed she could maybe be forgiven but not chopping it all off! Criminal. I am quite precious about hair though so I think that's why it would bother me so much.
DP and I were even pissed off when his ex cut his dd's hair short without asking him first and she pierced his DS's ear (by herself). It looked dreadful but surely before you put holes in a child both parents should consent to it? Oh and she did his dd's ears when she was a baby when DP had firmly said not a chance in hell. Very common in my opinion and I think it's just tight on the baby, I don't think as adults we have the right to put holes in them, scar them and cause them pain when they're not old enough to make a decision for themselves.
Anyway that's not about mil's, but just more a point that I think both parents should have control over what happens to their kids body/hair etc
lime thanks lime, I'll have a look I agree...some of the points ppl have made, you wouldn't believe them would you!
poppy omg, ear piercing? That is truly dreadful. Aside from the fact not her place to do it, and aside from how chavvy/otherwise it can look, jeezz...it bloody hurts! Why would you put a baby through that especially when the mother knows nothing about it. WORSE didn't even get a professional to do it! Blazing wouldn't be the word.
Oh. I wouldn't say you were precious about hair, even if you are. I think the first haircut is a milestone moment, one that surely should be reserved for mum imo.
pessarypam I know I know..I shouldn't care...I've spent far too much of my adult life caring what people think. I've actually made her a lovely Christmas present, a photo album with some b+w photos in of DD..far too bloody nice for how crap she's been to me actually!
Sorry I didn't make it clear, the ear piercing was my DP's ex with his kids. Sorry that didn't involve the mil but its the same principle, I think both parents need to give permission to things not just a mother
Sooo...a little update. We survived Christmas. Spent a day with the IL's which was actually not that bad, The dogs were put away and she held her tongue! However, now that Christmas is over, she is at it again!!
She's telling me that I'm feeding DD too often and too much. Also that there must be something wrong with her because she goes 3-4 days between poops.
So wise, MNetters...is she right?! She has 5oz of milk (formula) every 3-4 hours in the day, but will sleep from her 11pm feed until 6am most nights.
HV told me not to worry about going every 3-4 days as this is obviously just what's right for DD, but MIL is insistent something is wrong with her!
Jeezzz...this woman ;)
Just be honest and say that you couldn't even contemplate leaving your baby overnight with anyone at the moment. You are just getting into the swing of being a new mum and you want to be with the baby. There will be plenty of time for overnight visits with grandma when she is older. When my dd was 8 weeks old my hubby contracted a vomiting bug. Terrified that my PFB would get it I went to my mums house to get away from him. It was a Friday night and I was completely shattered - my dd had colic so screamed all day, and only slept for 1-2 hours at night at a time. My mum convinced me to leave my dd with her overnight and to go home and get some sleep. I did so, but still didnt sleep. It was hell, I just watched the clock until I could go and get her again. Even though I trust my mum more than anyone else in the world, I needed to be with my baby. My MIL didnt look after dd overnight until she was 11 1/2 months, and that was only because we went to a wedding 100 miles away and hubby was adamant we were going. I get on really well with my MIL and trust her completely, but still didnt want to leave dd. There is no logic to it, but she is your baby and your MIL needs to respect that
If I were you I'd just say no and I have done when my 'control freak' in laws asked me to leave my DD with them soon after she was born. I just said she is too young to be left with anyone and the next time they asked I just said no sorry I don't feel comfortable leaving her.
It's your baby so your say. Your mil has no right in pressurising you. As much as I love dogs I wouldn't leave my child in a house with them without me present.
I'm a MiL who's had her grandson to stay from 2 weeks old. He's bottle fed so feeding wasn't a problem. I offered to have him from when he was born, but I was still surprised that I was allowed to look after him from such an early age. I can only assume my DiL was reassured with how I looked after him anyway from daytime visits, but to be honest she was just so knackered I think she appreciated the fact there was someone with the baby's best interests at heart who could look after him as well as she can. She missed him terribly at first, but now gets on with whatever she needs to do in the time I have him. I'm not saying you should give your MiL your baby to look after overnight. You should only do it if you have complete faith in her ability to look after her as well as you do.
It might be an idea for her to have her GD for a couple of hours during the day, but it doesn't sound as tho she's prepared to do the leg work. If that's the case then it's unlikely you'll ever feel comfortable. Listen to your heart; she's your baby.
Glad you survived Christmas. If the medical pros are happy with DD then all well. My baby used to go and long time between poos, he was BF so I don't know about FF babies but obviously your HV does.
Quite honestly I wouldn't tell MIL details of how much/when she feeds, poos etc. It is not something she needs to know and if she is going to undermine you as parents by offering her negative opinion and tuppence worth when she is not a medical professional or the baby's parent then it is just asking for trouble giving her information. Just say the HV and you, her parents are happy the baby is feeding, sleeping well with no cause for concern and if you did have any concerns you would of course go straight to the baby clinic. Calmly refuse to go into details of her poo and feeding and just repeat that it's fine, broken record technique.
schnapps - it's my silly DH who tells his mother! Basically, she demands to know on the phone and he gets all tongue tired and doesn't know what to say to her! Other than tell her.
She still hasn't made the effort to come up and visit.
They were due to come up last weekend, but she didn't want to leave her dog because he is poorly.
So she just barks from afar! ( I know right, easier to deal with her from a distance than up close )
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