Mumsnet Talk

We have:

While shepherds washed their socks
Good King Wenceslas falling out of the bedroom window
We three kings, one in a taxi etc

Any more?

Oh, and AIBU to encourage this? I think it is as much part of our cultural heritage as the carols themselves... but I am VERY juvenile...

rude lyrics or the wrong words?

eh?

I assume that you wouldnt teach them to sing "while shepherds washed their cocks by night"... which is rude...

No, that might be a bit much... I wouldn't teach them anything that would actually get them excluded from school

mind you ds2 would roar with laughter at "washed their cocks"

Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away.
Father Christmas lost his knickers on the motorway

Am also rather juvenile

Not really a Christmas carol but:

Jingle Bells
Batman Smells
Robin flew away
Mr Silly lost his willy
on the motorway
Hey!

Very juvenile

star of wonder, star of night
sat on a box of dynamite

I love Christmas

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Only tuppence a pair

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On a cabbage garden
Bumped into a Brussels sprout
And said "I beg your pardon"
These are all the words we know
Can't learn any more
Give us tuppence now to go
Or we'll kick the doo-oo-or!

We three kings of orient are wearing ladies underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Only 3p a pair

O star of wonder, star of bright
50 cops on a motorbike
Westward leading, still they're speeding
(Can't recall the last line)

While shepherds washed their socks by night all seated by the tub
The angel of the Lord came down and said "rub a dub dub"

Probably a bit old for them, but my favourite as a teenager was:
While shepherds watched their flocks by night

By the river deep
The RSPCA came round
And said 'don't shag the sheep'

(I lived in Suffolk)

<toes wiggling with delight>

these are great!

Santa Claus you cunt where's my fucking bike.

Actually no just no that's far to rude

Or

While Shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated round the tub
A bar of Sunlight soap came down
And they began to scrub

The version I know from school:

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching BBC,
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to ITV.

We three kings of Orient are, Two in a taxi, one in a car. (It does go on, not sure how)

isn't it

We 3 kings of Orient are
1 in a taxi, 1 in a car
1 on a scooter
beeping his hooter
smoking a long cigar

The original tune for While Shepherd watched is the one now more commonly known as "Ilkley Moor bar tat".

Dh has persuaded the church organist to play this tune for the Christmas service. I think some of the older generation might spontaniously combust.

We had the three Kings from Leamington Spa.

We also had "Yonder peasant it's JC" which was the nickname of the head. Sung with special gusto at the Carol service in front of all tha parents.

We four Beatles of Liverpool are
Paul in a taxi,George in a car,
John on a scooter beeping his hooter
Following Ringo Starr.

Yes,I know that one really shows my age.....

Good King Senseless last looked out
On the Feast of Stephen
A snowball gave his ear a clout
He cried 'I will get even'

I've brought these gifts for you they're up in my bum.

Our music teacher at primary school was responsible for teaching us the rude versions 35 years ago. He was also the Deputy Head

We three kings of leicester square
selling ladies underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Why don't you buy a pair?

O star of wonder, star of bright
Sit on a box of dynamite
light the fuse and you will see
the quickest way to the cemetary!

Very recently I heard DS and his classmates singing:

Jingle bells, batman smells, robin flew away
uncle billy lost his willy on the motorway.

DS can't tell me where that came from

We three kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a rubber cigar.
It was loaded,
It exploded.
That's how we traveled so far.

I thought you meant rude, but I guess you may want to wait a few years before teaching "Faunus the Roman Goat God" (to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer"

Faunus the Roman Goat-God
Had a very shiny prick
And if you ever saw it
You would say it is quite thick

All of the other deities
Used to leer suggestively
They.. always wanted Faunus
To Join in the revelry

Then one frosty Saturnal
Juno made this call
"Faunus since.. you're hung so well,
Won't you ring my solstice bell?"

Then all the others pouted
And they muttered jealously
"Faunus, the Roman goat-god
Better save a turn for me!"

Tramp 'O' Claus with lyrics

Do not...I repeat not teach it to the kids

O, star of wonder, star of might
Fill your pants with dynamite
Light the fuse and off you go
All the way to Mexico !

Hark the herald angels sing
'Beechams Pills are just the thing
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
Two for a man and one for a child.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
in his pink pyjamas,
sliding down the banisters,
eating bad bananas.
Brightly shone the moon last night
over Marks and Spencers
da da da da da da (I can't remember the bit that goes here_
and he knocked him senseless.

We had (and I foolishly taught dd it the night before her carol concert )

O Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O It was the perfect flight.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
in his pink pyjamas,
sliding down the banisters,
eating bad bananas.

Brightly shone the moon last night
over Marks and Spencers
(next line is hazy - anyone know ?)
and he knocked him se -enseless.

I also like this version of a classic

This may date me:

Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin flew away.
Kojak lost his lollipop
On the M1 motorway.

Only one line, but I remember my music teacher making the mistake of telling us how her father was kicked out of his church choir as a boy for singing the alternative refrain in "The angel Gabriel":

Most highly flavoured gravy.

I now find it impossible to sing the correct version. Thanks, Miss S!

Good king Wenceslas looked out
Out his bedroom window
Silly bugger he fell out
On a red hot poker.

Brightly shone his arse that night
though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel.

NOT for the children. To the tune of Deck The Halls:

Feel me balls they're just like holly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Suck me dick it makes me jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Uncle Don is gay like Harold
Fa la la, fa la la, la la la
You fuck June & I'll fuck Carol
Fa la la la la la la la la

We always sang:

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells,
Robin flew away
Lost his pants in the middle of France
and found them in Bombay.

Made the mistake of teaching the kids it a couple of years ago.

at sockreturningpixie. I had completely forgotten about that song!

<dusts off the Kevin Wilson CD>

Really don't think it's one for the OP's kids though...!

Dd sings

Jingle bells Batman smells robin flew away
Uncle Billy lost his Willy on the motorway hey

Taught kindly by a year six when she was three!

KateB, we sang:

Kojak lost his lollipop
So he bought a milky way

presumably same vintage

My dad's version:

While shepherd watched their turnip tops
All bubbling in the pot
A lump of soot came tumbling down
And spoilt the bloody lot!

Ex-choirboy as well

On a side note about Ilkley moor bow tat mentioned below, when I was a child teen I had never heard of Ilkley and believed that line was in Latin thanks dad

keep em coming! Fab

I like the turnip tops...

We three kings of Orient are
Trying to light a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Blowing them all afar.

Jingle bells, Santa smells
Rudolphs run away
Mrs Claus
has dropped her drawers
And the elves all say "way-hay!"

Or

Jingle bells, Santa smells
Rudolph's run away
The elves got pissed
And lost the list
So they canna come today!!

<disclaimer, am Scottish, it rhymes in my accent!>

Not a carol, but a favourite here:

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows. LIKE A LIGHTBULB

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names. LIKE PINOCCHIO
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games. LIKE MONOPOLY

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say: HO HO HO
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history! LIKE ATTILLA THE HUN

Little donkey, little donkey
On the M25
Got run over
By a rover
And did not survive

Ring out the bells tonight
Casualty casualty
Follow the flashing lights
Ambulance ambulance? (It doesn't rhyme, I may have made the last but up!)

I agree - it is absolutely part of our heritage

I heard that apparently back in the 1930s, when King Edward wanted to marry Wallis Simpson, the lyrics 'Hark the Herald angels sing, Mrs Simpson's pinched our king' spread throughout Britain. They were never broadcast of course, but they were everywhere - see how fast these things travel!

I don't know good ones but we did bet a mate a lot of money to sing the solo first line 'Personent Hodie' 'We present whores today, crotches all a-splay'.



Not what you want for your kids, but do I get a prize for the rudest (and most dodgy)?

LRD

I know two different versions of the 1930s take on HTHA & it's likely there were heaps more:

"Hark the herald angels sing,
Mrs Simpson's pinched our King.
Peace on Earth & mercy mild,
The heir to the throne is now a child."

"Hark the herald angels sing,
Mrs Simpson's pinched our King.
She's been married twice before,
Now she knocks on Edward's door."

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC

Star of Wonder star of light
Jesus caught his pants alight

When I was 11 my friends very highly strung devout christian mum threw me out of the car for singing that. It was a Reliant Robin so I was quite relieved.

It's a bit dated. Think it was the one my mum sang at school...

Hark, the herald angels sing,
Beachams pills are just the thing
they are gentle, meek and mild
Two for an adult, one for a child
If you want to go to heaven
You must take a dose of seven
If you want to go to hell,
Eat the ruddy box as well...
Hark the herald angels sing
Beechams pills are just the thing.

Actually, the ruddy suggests it was my mum's 1950s version. My Fran wouldn't have been as polite!

Also have you come across Joe Difie's leroy the redneck reindeer? That's fab.
It's hard to get a YouTube link on the phone but its there...

My gran.

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin ran away,
He lost his pants down in France,
And found them on eBay, hey!

Repeat.

And repeat. And repeat. And repeat...

<rocks>

I don't need to teach them, the same old stuff is going round the playground as 35 years ago.

I'm crying here

It's a lone YABUI from me. I'm currently trying to teach DS a few carols and dread him coming home with different versions from pre-school. I think it is fair enough for them to make up their own lyrics and feel a bit cool/naughty for doing it, but teaching them our dated versions seems a bit silly really. Sorry to be a bit of a party pooper but I really like proper christmas carols.

But Larks, there wouldn't be half as much fun to be got from teaching the alternative if they didn't know the original - it would just be a silly song to a random tune. I think the alternatives are more for kids who are past preschool stage, know the carols, and will get a giggle from them. Eg I wouldn't sing 'one in a taxi, one in a car' to my 6 year old as he doesn't know We Three Kings...

And I heard several of these as a child, some from schoolfriends, some from adults - and still love a lot of the original carols

Not a rude version, but we used to get a great deal of innocent pleasure from singing the wrong tune to whatever Christmas carol was put up on the board at the end of term -- so the Ilkley Moor tune to Shepherds Watched, or the American version of Away an a manger'.

Sounded 'orrible when sung through the piano plinking out the usual version and the headmistress could only glare impotently at us.

God we were tearaways at that age...

As shepherds washed their socks by night,
Whilst sitting on a bank,
The angel of the lord came down,
And taught them how to.........

Sorry too rude for the kids

It's not exactly a carol but how about this ( to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory ... )

Bowl of soapy water, wash your stinky feet, Father's cutting his toe-nails, give them to Baby to eat ...

Or ...
We three kings of Leicester Square,
Selling Ladies underware,
Quite fantastic, no elastic
Very unsafe to wear ...

" we wish you a willy Christmas." Any toddler will fall over laughing!

I am crying with laughter at Faunus the Roman Goat God

Lancelottie we used to do that with All Things Bright and Beautiful and (our particular favourite) the three different tunes to Oh Jesus I Have Promised. We'd been taught all three in choir, but always sang the same one in assembly. It seemed a shame not to use the others occasionally

Rude Rolph the bare arsed reindeer
Had a very shiny ring
When he'd been on the curry
His fecking hole would sting & sting
All of the other reindeer
Used to hide the toilet roll
And Rude Rolph the bare arsed reindeer
Went round with a smelly hole

Marking this to read during late night feed - love it!

Well <hoiks bosom> I think we have found the MN level of humour this evening.....! squeals with delight

ahem...

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows. LIKE A LIGHTBULB

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names. LIKE PINOCCHIO
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games. LIKE MONOPOLY

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say: HO HO HO
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

He said "Fuck off you big fat bastard"
"Put the reigns back on the shelf"
"Go find another reindeer....."
"Or pull the fucking sleigh yourself"

I have to stop myself from singing the rude version (learned off-heart by me aged about 9) each time my DD (aged....9) is belting out the naice version.

We got stuck in a really bad traffic jam on the M5 last Friday night.

To entertain DD, I we made up the following ('we' being me, my mum and dad)

To the Power of Love by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

The power of poo,
As it plops in the loo,
Wetting my bum,.
I flush it away,
But it wants to stay,
Deep in the bowl.

It took about 20 minutes to come up with the words and I did start out on my own but mum and dad can proudly claim the last 2 lines.

Cue lots of giggling, DD in fits of laughter and my mum pretending to be disgusted (but ultimately joining in)

I do love silly poo/bum/wee related songs!

<tumbleweed>

So, it appears, my level of humour is about 5 fathoms filthier than anybody prior to my posts

Another Good King Wenceslas here:

Good King Wenceslas had a fight
With his brother, Stephen
Brother Stephen knocked him out
& laid him flat & even
Brightly shone the bruise that night
Though the pain was cruel
When the Ambulance came in sight
It ran out of fu-e-l

Ha ha, ridiculous thread, but especially funny after a glass of the Christmas sherry

These are BRILLIANT! Marking place so I can share with DD tomorrow (she's at secondary school so don't need to censor too heavily!)

Scatter -- your school didn't begin with a C, did it??

Nope sorry. It must happen all over the place

Jingle bells batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The batmobile lost its wheel
And the joker got away

Hey!

Deck the halls with poo and wee wee
Falalalalalallalaa
'tis the season to be smelly
Falalalalalalalalaaa