to teach my kids rude lyrics to Christmas carols? And can you expand my repertoire?

(87 Posts)
HughFearnlyShittingFuck Mon 10-Dec-12 12:11:34

We have:

While shepherds washed their socks
Good King Wenceslas falling out of the bedroom window
We three kings, one in a taxi etc

Any more?

Oh, and AIBU to encourage this? I think it is as much part of our cultural heritage as the carols themselves... but I am VERY juvenile...

RedHelenB Mon 10-Dec-12 12:12:11

rude lyrics or the wrong words?

HughFearnlyShittingFuck Mon 10-Dec-12 12:13:41

eh?

squeakytoy Mon 10-Dec-12 12:14:40

I assume that you wouldnt teach them to sing "while shepherds washed their cocks by night"... which is rude...

HughFearnlyShittingFuck Mon 10-Dec-12 12:16:20

No, that might be a bit much... I wouldn't teach them anything that would actually get them excluded from school

mind you ds2 would roar with laughter at "washed their cocks" grin

ChantandbeHappy Mon 10-Dec-12 12:17:31

Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away.
Father Christmas lost his knickers on the motorway

Am also rather juvenile grin

manicinsomniac Mon 10-Dec-12 12:18:48

Not really a Christmas carol but:

Jingle Bells
Batman Smells
Robin flew away
Mr Silly lost his willy
on the motorway
Hey!

Very juvenile grin

HughFearnlyShittingFuck Mon 10-Dec-12 12:19:07

star of wonder, star of night
sat on a box of dynamite

I love Christmas grin

ChantandbeHappy Mon 10-Dec-12 12:22:43

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Only tuppence a pair

SnowMuchToBits Mon 10-Dec-12 12:22:44

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On a cabbage garden
Bumped into a Brussels sprout
And said "I beg your pardon"
These are all the words we know
Can't learn any more
Give us tuppence now to go
Or we'll kick the doo-oo-or!

We three kings of orient are wearing ladies underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Only 3p a pair

O star of wonder, star of bright
50 cops on a motorbike
Westward leading, still they're speeding
(Can't recall the last line)

While shepherds washed their socks by night all seated by the tub
The angel of the Lord came down and said "rub a dub dub"

QuacksForDoughnuts Mon 10-Dec-12 12:23:04

Probably a bit old for them, but my favourite as a teenager was:
While shepherds watched their flocks by night

By the river deep
The RSPCA came round
And said 'don't shag the sheep'

(I lived in Suffolk)

HughFearnlyShittingFuck Mon 10-Dec-12 12:23:31

<toes wiggling with delight>

these are great!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 10-Dec-12 12:25:12

Santa Claus you cunt where's my fucking bike.

Actually no just no that's far to rude

SnowMuchToBits Mon 10-Dec-12 12:31:19

Or

While Shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated round the tub
A bar of Sunlight soap came down
And they began to scrub

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 10-Dec-12 13:07:53

The version I know from school:

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching BBC,
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to ITV.

We three kings of Orient are, Two in a taxi, one in a car. (It does go on, not sure how)

AphraBehn Mon 10-Dec-12 13:20:18

isn't it

We 3 kings of Orient are
1 in a taxi, 1 in a car
1 on a scooter
beeping his hooter
smoking a long cigar

DeWe Mon 10-Dec-12 13:52:01

The original tune for While Shepherd watched is the one now more commonly known as "Ilkley Moor bar tat".

Dh has persuaded the church organist to play this tune for the Christmas service. I think some of the older generation might spontaniously combust. grin

We had the three Kings from Leamington Spa.

We also had "Yonder peasant it's JC" which was the nickname of the head. Sung with special gusto at the Carol service in front of all tha parents.

Clawdy Mon 10-Dec-12 14:52:49

We four Beatles of Liverpool are
Paul in a taxi,George in a car,
John on a scooter beeping his hooter
Following Ringo Starr.

Yes,I know that one really shows my age.....smile

manicinsomniac Mon 10-Dec-12 15:09:40

Good King Senseless last looked out
On the Feast of Stephen
A snowball gave his ear a clout
He cried 'I will get even'

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 10-Dec-12 15:13:01

I've brought these gifts for you they're up in my bum.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey Mon 10-Dec-12 15:36:41

Our music teacher at primary school was responsible for teaching us the rude versions 35 years ago. He was also the Deputy Head grin

We three kings of leicester square
selling ladies underwear
So fantastic, no elastic
Why don't you buy a pair?

O star of wonder, star of bright
Sit on a box of dynamite
light the fuse and you will see
the quickest way to the cemetary!

Very recently I heard DS and his classmates singing:

Jingle bells, batman smells, robin flew away
uncle billy lost his willy on the motorway. confused

DS can't tell me where that came from

KitchenandJumble Mon 10-Dec-12 16:47:21

We three kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a rubber cigar.
It was loaded,
It exploded.
That's how we traveled so far.

I thought you meant rude, but I guess you may want to wait a few years before teaching "Faunus the Roman Goat God" (to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer"

Faunus the Roman Goat-God
Had a very shiny prick
And if you ever saw it
You would say it is quite thick

All of the other deities
Used to leer suggestively
They.. always wanted Faunus
To Join in the revelry

Then one frosty Saturnal
Juno made this call
"Faunus since.. you're hung so well,
Won't you ring my solstice bell?"

Then all the others pouted
And they muttered jealously
"Faunus, the Roman goat-god
Better save a turn for me!"

WorraLorraTurkey Mon 10-Dec-12 16:55:05

Tramp 'O' Claus with lyrics

Do not...I repeat not teach it to the kids grin

freddiefrog Mon 10-Dec-12 17:02:59

O, star of wonder, star of might
Fill your pants with dynamite
Light the fuse and off you go
All the way to Mexico !

Hark the herald angels sing
'Beechams Pills are just the thing
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
Two for a man and one for a child.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
in his pink pyjamas,
sliding down the banisters,
eating bad bananas.
Brightly shone the moon last night
over Marks and Spencers
da da da da da da (I can't remember the bit that goes here_
and he knocked him senseless.

We had (and I foolishly taught dd it the night before her carol concert blush )

O Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O It was the perfect flight.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
in his pink pyjamas,
sliding down the banisters,
eating bad bananas.

Brightly shone the moon last night
over Marks and Spencers
(next line is hazy - anyone know ?)
and he knocked him se -enseless.

I also like this version of a classic

KateB74 Mon 10-Dec-12 17:38:14

This may date me:

Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin flew away.
Kojak lost his lollipop
On the M1 motorway.

Only one line, but I remember my music teacher making the mistake of telling us how her father was kicked out of his church choir as a boy for singing the alternative refrain in "The angel Gabriel":

Most highly flavoured gravy.

I now find it impossible to sing the correct version. Thanks, Miss S!

Rowgtfc72 Mon 10-Dec-12 17:43:53

Good king Wenceslas looked out
Out his bedroom window
Silly bugger he fell out
On a red hot poker.

Brightly shone his arse that night
though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel.

ikltownofboothlehem Mon 10-Dec-12 17:46:08

NOT for the children. To the tune of Deck The Halls:

Feel me balls they're just like holly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Suck me dick it makes me jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Uncle Don is gay like Harold
Fa la la, fa la la, la la la
You fuck June & I'll fuck Carol
Fa la la la la la la la la

MuddlingMackem Mon 10-Dec-12 18:39:11

We always sang:

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells,
Robin flew away
Lost his pants in the middle of France
and found them in Bombay.

Made the mistake of teaching the kids it a couple of years ago. hmm grin

RainbowRabbit33 Mon 10-Dec-12 18:50:52

grin at sockreturningpixie. I had completely forgotten about that song!

<dusts off the Kevin Wilson CD>

Really don't think it's one for the OP's kids though...!

Dd sings

Jingle bells Batman smells robin flew away
Uncle Billy lost his Willy on the motorway hey

Taught kindly by a year six when she was three!

desertgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 18:59:00

KateB, we sang:

Kojak lost his lollipop
So he bought a milky way

presumably same vintage smile

Tanith Mon 10-Dec-12 18:59:16

My dad's version:

While shepherd watched their turnip tops
All bubbling in the pot
A lump of soot came tumbling down
And spoilt the bloody lot!

Ex-choirboy as well smile

On a side note about Ilkley moor bow tat mentioned below, when I was a child teen I had never heard of Ilkley and believed that line was in Latin thanks dad blush

Greensleeves Mon 10-Dec-12 19:01:14

keep em coming! Fabgrin

I like the turnip tops...

DaPrincessBride Mon 10-Dec-12 19:05:54

We three kings of Orient are
Trying to light a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Blowing them all afar.

toomuchturkeyatendofthedinner Mon 10-Dec-12 19:08:23

Jingle bells, Santa smells
Rudolphs run away
Mrs Claus
has dropped her drawers
And the elves all say "way-hay!"

Or

Jingle bells, Santa smells
Rudolph's run away
The elves got pissed
And lost the list
So they canna come today!!

<disclaimer, am Scottish, it rhymes in my accent!>
grin

PeppermintonCandyCane Mon 10-Dec-12 19:12:35

Not a carol, but a favourite here:

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows. LIKE A LIGHTBULB

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names. LIKE PINOCCHIO
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games. LIKE MONOPOLY

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say: HO HO HO
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history! LIKE ATTILLA THE HUN

Merrycuckingfistmas Mon 10-Dec-12 19:17:03

Little donkey, little donkey
On the M25
Got run over
By a rover
And did not survive

Ring out the bells tonight
Casualty casualty
Follow the flashing lights
Ambulance ambulance? (It doesn't rhyme, I may have made the last but up!)

LRDtheFeministDude Mon 10-Dec-12 19:25:13

I agree - it is absolutely part of our heritage grin

I heard that apparently back in the 1930s, when King Edward wanted to marry Wallis Simpson, the lyrics 'Hark the Herald angels sing, Mrs Simpson's pinched our king' spread throughout Britain. They were never broadcast of course, but they were everywhere - see how fast these things travel!

I don't know good ones but we did bet a mate a lot of money to sing the solo first line 'Personent Hodie' 'We present whores today, crotches all a-splay'.

blush

Not what you want for your kids, but do I get a prize for the rudest (and most dodgy)?

ImperfectPirouette Mon 10-Dec-12 20:33:07

LRD

I know two different versions of the 1930s take on HTHA & it's likely there were heaps more:

"Hark the herald angels sing,
Mrs Simpson's pinched our King.
Peace on Earth & mercy mild,
The heir to the throne is now a child."

"Hark the herald angels sing,
Mrs Simpson's pinched our King.
She's been married twice before,
Now she knocks on Edward's door."

vladthedisorganised Mon 10-Dec-12 23:00:53

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC

SinisterBuggyMonth Mon 10-Dec-12 23:04:38

Star of Wonder star of light
Jesus caught his pants alight

When I was 11 my friends very highly strung devout christian mum threw me out of the car for singing that. It was a Reliant Robin so I was quite relieved.

golemmings Mon 10-Dec-12 23:10:45

It's a bit dated. Think it was the one my mum sang at school...

Hark, the herald angels sing,
Beachams pills are just the thing
they are gentle, meek and mild
Two for an adult, one for a child
If you want to go to heaven
You must take a dose of seven
If you want to go to hell,
Eat the ruddy box as well...
Hark the herald angels sing
Beechams pills are just the thing.

Actually, the ruddy suggests it was my mum's 1950s version. My Fran wouldn't have been as polite!

Also have you come across Joe Difie's leroy the redneck reindeer? That's fab.
It's hard to get a YouTube link on the phone but its there...

golemmings Mon 10-Dec-12 23:11:34

My gran.

FlouryWhiteBaps Mon 10-Dec-12 23:17:04

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin ran away,
He lost his pants down in France,
And found them on eBay, hey!

Repeat.

And repeat. And repeat. And repeat...

<rocks>

fossil97 Mon 10-Dec-12 23:42:41

I don't need to teach them, the same old stuff is going round the playground as 35 years ago.

I'm crying here

larks35 Mon 10-Dec-12 23:49:56

It's a lone YABUI from me. I'm currently trying to teach DS a few carols and dread him coming home with different versions from pre-school. I think it is fair enough for them to make up their own lyrics and feel a bit cool/naughty for doing it, but teaching them our dated versions seems a bit silly really. Sorry to be a bit of a party pooper but I really like proper christmas carols.

desertgirl Tue 11-Dec-12 10:43:22

But Larks, there wouldn't be half as much fun to be got from teaching the alternative if they didn't know the original - it would just be a silly song to a random tune. I think the alternatives are more for kids who are past preschool stage, know the carols, and will get a giggle from them. Eg I wouldn't sing 'one in a taxi, one in a car' to my 6 year old as he doesn't know We Three Kings...

And I heard several of these as a child, some from schoolfriends, some from adults - and still love a lot of the original carols smile

Lancelottie Tue 11-Dec-12 11:05:03

Not a rude version, but we used to get a great deal of innocent pleasure from singing the wrong tune to whatever Christmas carol was put up on the board at the end of term -- so the Ilkley Moor tune to Shepherds Watched, or the American version of Away an a manger'.

Sounded 'orrible when sung through the piano plinking out the usual version and the headmistress could only glare impotently at us.

God we were tearaways at that age...

BonVoyageCharlieBrown Tue 11-Dec-12 12:00:00

As shepherds washed their socks by night,
Whilst sitting on a bank,
The angel of the lord came down,
And taught them how to......... wink

Sorry too rude for the kids grin

Fecklessdizzy Tue 11-Dec-12 12:58:28

It's not exactly a carol but how about this ( to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory ... )

Bowl of soapy water, wash your stinky feet, Father's cutting his toe-nails, give them to Baby to eat ... grin

Or ...
We three kings of Leicester Square,
Selling Ladies underware,
Quite fantastic, no elastic
Very unsafe to wear ...

saccrofolium Tue 11-Dec-12 13:07:33

" we wish you a willy Christmas." Any toddler will fall over laughing!

ScatterGotStuckUpTheChimney Tue 11-Dec-12 13:26:25

I am crying with laughter at Faunus the Roman Goat God grin

Lancelottie we used to do that with All Things Bright and Beautiful and (our particular favourite) the three different tunes to Oh Jesus I Have Promised. We'd been taught all three in choir, but always sang the same one in assembly. It seemed a shame not to use the others occasionally grin

ikltownofboothlehem Tue 11-Dec-12 19:56:53

Rude Rolph the bare arsed reindeer
Had a very shiny ring
When he'd been on the curry
His fecking hole would sting & sting
All of the other reindeer
Used to hide the toilet roll
And Rude Rolph the bare arsed reindeer
Went round with a smelly hole

chocolatetester1 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:31:54

Marking this to read during late night feed - love it!

BrianCoxIsAChristmasPud Tue 11-Dec-12 21:36:57

Well <hoiks bosom> I think we have found the MN level of humour this evening.....! squeals with delight

ahem...

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows. LIKE A LIGHTBULB

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names. LIKE PINOCCHIO
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games. LIKE MONOPOLY

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say: HO HO HO
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

He said "Fuck off you big fat bastard"
"Put the reigns back on the shelf"
"Go find another reindeer....."
"Or pull the fucking sleigh yourself"

I have to stop myself from singing the rude version (learned off-heart by me aged about 9) each time my DD (aged....9) is belting out the naice version.

grin

BrianCoxIsAChristmasPud Tue 11-Dec-12 21:40:48

We got stuck in a really bad traffic jam on the M5 last Friday night.

To entertain DD, I we made up the following ('we' being me, my mum and dad)

To the Power of Love by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

The power of poo,
As it plops in the loo,
Wetting my bum,.
I flush it away,
But it wants to stay,
Deep in the bowl.

It took about 20 minutes to come up with the words and I did start out on my own but mum and dad can proudly claim the last 2 lines.

Cue lots of giggling, DD in fits of laughter and my mum pretending to be disgusted (but ultimately joining in)

I do love silly poo/bum/wee related songs!

BrianCoxIsAChristmasPud Tue 11-Dec-12 21:53:58

<tumbleweed>

So, it appears, my level of humour is about 5 fathoms filthier than anybody prior to my posts blush

grin

Milliways Tue 11-Dec-12 21:54:55

Another Good King Wenceslas here:

Good King Wenceslas had a fight
With his brother, Stephen
Brother Stephen knocked him out
& laid him flat & even
Brightly shone the bruise that night
Though the pain was cruel
When the Ambulance came in sight
It ran out of fu-e-l

TeentheBean Tue 11-Dec-12 22:01:52

Ha ha, ridiculous thread, but especially funny after a glass of the Christmas sherry smile

FreckledLeopard Tue 11-Dec-12 22:14:26

These are BRILLIANT! Marking place so I can share with DD tomorrow (she's at secondary school so don't need to censor too heavily!)

Lancelottie Wed 12-Dec-12 09:57:39

Scatter -- your school didn't begin with a C, did it??

ScatterGotStuckUpTheChimney Wed 12-Dec-12 13:04:29

Nope sorry. It must happen all over the place grin

Fakebook Wed 12-Dec-12 13:13:09

Jingle bells batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The batmobile lost its wheel
And the joker got away

Hey!

Deck the halls with poo and wee wee
Falalalalalallalaa
'tis the season to be smelly
Falalalalalalalalaaa

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 24-Dec-13 19:23:25

I feel that this needs reviving, if only for the joy that is Faunus the Roman Goat God.

ProudAS Tue 24-Dec-13 19:41:07

Whilst shepherds washed their socks by night all hanging on the line
The angel of the lord came down and said "Those socks are mine"

IhaveNoOpinion Tue 24-Dec-13 21:38:32

I have one. It is not a carol, but an old Cliff classic.

Christmas time
Get pissed drunk on wine
Children singing way out of time
With dogs on the fire and
cats up the tree,
We couldn't afford a turkey
So we ate the budgie

Made my DD giggle when I taught it to her last night!
fgrin

pixiepotter Tue 24-Dec-13 22:07:53

Tanith my dad's version
:

While shepherd watched their turnip tops
All bubbling in the pot
The angel of the Lord came down
and scoffed the blooming lot!

Jellypoppingcandy Wed 25-Dec-13 00:48:34

Good King Wenceslas last looked out
Of his bedroom window
Silly bugg&r he fell out
On a red hot cinder
Brightly shone his bum that night
Though the frost was cruel
Till the doctor came in sight
Riding on a mule

Jellypoppingcandy Wed 25-Dec-13 00:52:19

Good King Wenceslas last looked out
In his kitchen garden
Bumped into a brussel sprout
And said I beg your pardon
Sliding down the banister
Eating ripe bananas
Where d'you think he put the skins?
Down his best pyjamas

JadziaSnax Wed 25-Dec-13 00:53:40

One from DS(7)
We're walking in the air, without our underwear.

He thinks it's really rude fgrin

ComposHat Wed 25-Dec-13 01:01:48

As a teenager I used to enjoy singing

'oh tidings of cum fart and joy, great tidings of cum fart and joy'

We 3 kings of Orient are
1 in a taxi, 1 in a car
1 on a scooter
beeping his hooter,
going to Perry Barr.

I grew up in the midlands and it only just struck me, what did non-midlanders (poor wretches) who were presumably not acquainted with Birmingham's inner suburbs sing for the last line?

skinoncustard Wed 25-Dec-13 06:36:12

Good King Wenceslas last looked out
On his cabbage garden
Bumped into a brussel sprout
And said I beg your pardon.

Theodorous Wed 25-Dec-13 06:48:42

Briancox the poo goes to Hollywood is inspired, I have been humming it all morning and have now had to share with everyone else and now they are all singing it. The sandy desert landscape of Qatar is alive with the poo song. Happy Christmas!

DalekInAFestiveJumper Wed 25-Dec-13 07:47:09

To the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

The restroom door said gentleman so I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
The restroom door said gentleman it must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace and smacked me with her bag,
I could tell this wouldn't be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
The restroom door said gentleman and I'd would like to find,
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the signs.
Cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind,
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy.
Boy oh boy.
Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

DalekInAFestiveJumper Wed 25-Dec-13 07:51:24

And performed! ;) youtu.be/hl0Ku3UHinc

Chocovore Wed 25-Dec-13 08:03:51

When H was a Chorister, he used to sing Most Highly Favoured Lady but changed the lyrics to...

Most highly flavoured gravy, Biiiiiiiiiiiiisto!

OwlinaTree Wed 25-Dec-13 08:07:51

Another God test ye Merry gentlemen one. Not mine, can't remember where from tho.

God send a Merry Gentleman
And let him not be gay
Or married with 3 children
And baby on the way
And let him drive a big fast car
And think that men should pay
Oh, that would be comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Oh that would be comfort and joy.

intheland Wed 25-Dec-13 08:12:41

Not for kids and no need to change lyrics - Santa baby 'coming down the chimney tonight' just needs a wink

Jbck Wed 25-Dec-13 08:27:59

DD's sing Mariah Carey as 'All I want for Christmas is poooo-oooooooo'.

Ive never heard of the 'trad' ones, neither's DH, we were clearly angels.

DD and friend have composed:

Dashing through the snow
On a pair of broken skis
Over hills we go
Bashing into trees!

The snow is turning red
I think I'm nearly dead
I woke up in the hospital
With stitches in my head!

I am VERY proud. grin

chateauferret Thu 26-Dec-13 13:09:48

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Just like the ones we used to know,
With my father wasted,
The goose cremated,
And hardly any fucking snow.

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Without to eat a sodding bite
And that balding tree
That's smaller than me
Says "May all your Christmasses be shite".

mlplover Sun 12-Jan-14 22:51:37

biscuit

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