DH smacked his friends wifes bum.

(120 Posts)
Jelly15 Sun 09-Dec-12 17:56:19

We were in a crowded pub last night and his friends wife pushed passed him on her way to the loo, he then smacked her firmly on her bum. I saw this and I was sitting a few tables away. I was fuming and I didn't want to make a scene and gave him a filthy look. Half an hour later we left.

I told him (shouted) I was shocked and upset. He apololgised but thinks I am over reacting. I told him it was completely inappropriate behaviour for a married man and I would have been upset if a male friend did that to me too. He replied, " It's only J for heavens sake."

I am sure as anyone can be that he wouldn't cheat on me but I think that flirty behaviour is wrong and I am upsest. Do you think I am being unreasonable about it?

It's sexist apart from anything else. I would be more concerned on that front than on the flirting front. I would be furious if any bloke slapped me on the bum in the pub,including my own husband

BuntysFestiveCollocks Sun 09-Dec-12 17:58:42

Not something that would bother me personally, but everyone has their own limits.

MammaTJ Sun 09-Dec-12 18:00:04

Wouldn't bother me at all.

TidyDancer Sun 09-Dec-12 18:00:09

It really depends on the dynamic of the friendship I suppose. To some people this would be a huge deal, to others it would be nothing.

I have a very huggy relationship with my BIL (also one of my best friends) and DP has a female friend the same. If either of us did as you describe with them, it wouldn't be a big deal, it would just be silly and funny.

Pumpster Sun 09-Dec-12 18:01:28

What did the friend's wife think?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 18:02:19

I don't think it sounds bad but it isn't my relationship

I think flirtation is hilarious and then home as normal but those are my rules.

It's not for me to say but if I behaved in this way it would e accepted as normal

ladyfirenze Sun 09-Dec-12 18:02:43

aah you've lost the moral high ground... you're allowed to feel shocked and upset, but shouting about it won't help your situation, it just means your dp has to get all defensive and minimise what he did. If you can try a calmer approach (even though you want to go atomic, which I totally get) you'll get your point across better... good luck

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 18:02:43

OMG I would be mortified if DH slapped a woman on the arse like that.

The shame!

How did the woman react to being physically chastised like that by a male friend?

Most women I know would not be amused.

Is he normally a sexist, gropey twat?

Sounds like you two might be getting fewer invitations in future...

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 18:04:56

It's not only disrespectful to you but also the other woman. What the fuck was he thinking?

And LadyFirenze - give over. Women don't have to be all demure and not show anger, it's not losing the moral high ground at all.

LadyWidmerpool Sun 09-Dec-12 18:06:56

Agree with GhostShip

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Dec-12 18:07:04

I don't know, my feeling is that you sound awfully strict and a bit Victorian. It sounds like a laugh if neither party were offended.

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 18:08:13

Its not strict and victorian to not want your partner spanking another woman on the arse.

gettingeasier Sun 09-Dec-12 18:09:46

I would have hated that too

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 18:10:12

Neither party?

What on earth does a man who goes around touching women's arses in crowded pubs have to be offended about?


sarahseashell Sun 09-Dec-12 18:10:59

YANBU I wouldn't like it

defineme Sun 09-Dec-12 18:13:59

It's not the kind of thing that happens in my social circle or my home. Sounds a bit grubby and sexist. Dh and I aren't flirty types either so in the unlikely event he'd done it I'd assume there was more to it- but I realise it probably means nothing in groups where sexist stuff or flirting is the norm.

Weissdorn Sun 09-Dec-12 18:14:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 09-Dec-12 18:15:37

Does depend on the friendship

I have friends who could do this to me and it would be fine. Others it would be way out of line

DH is always smacking my arse though

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Sun 09-Dec-12 18:15:43

Sleazy, sexist, nasty behaviour. I'd be horrified if DH did something like that to me or any other female. YANBU.

LynetteScavo Sun 09-Dec-12 18:17:18

Wel, I really wouln't want my DH's freind to slap me on the bum.--I may well slap him round the face--.

It would be so out of character for DH that I would just be shock at let it go as one of those things. If he were generally flirty, I wouldn't like it.

jendot Sun 09-Dec-12 18:19:07

Wouldn't bother me at all.. Infact I am normally the one doing things like that wink I tend to wink at random people in pubs and am very fond of my best mates husbands bum ( ohh it's just so perfect!)
I think as long as she was ok with it...I would be fine with it.

GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob Sun 09-Dec-12 18:19:54

Wouldn't bother me at all, among close friends I am happy to be both the slapper and the slappee grin

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 18:22:02

It would bother me, mainly because I am not a dog to be slapped or petted. I would be more concerned about how my partner viewed women if he behaved in such a manner

amillionyears Sun 09-Dec-12 18:22:15

I personally wouldnt like it, and would tell my DH so afterwards at home.
He would know [having lived with me long enough, and knowing each other as well as we do, not to do it again].

ChocHobNob Sun 09-Dec-12 18:22:23

I wouldn't be very happy if my husband smacked another woman on the backside. But we do smack each other on the backside a lot though and it is flirty behaviour for us, which is why I wouldn't like him to do it to other women. I don't see why it is sexist to smack your own partner on the bottom playfully though confused

I would also not be happy if someone else smacked me on the backside.

thebody Sun 09-Dec-12 18:24:16

Totally depends on the dynamics if the friendship/relationship.

If it bothered you then it does so your dh should respect that.

It personally wouldn't bother me with certain male friends.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo Sun 09-Dec-12 18:26:43

I'd think DH was being a bit of a prat, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it personally.

HildaOgden Sun 09-Dec-12 18:30:04

I wouldn't see that as flirtatious,I'd see it as him being an embarrassing dickhead,myself.But that's just me smile.

What did she think about it?

AngryBeaver Sun 09-Dec-12 18:35:07

sleighbells, I think "physically chastised" is a bit extreme!
Totally depends on the dynamic/relationship of all involved.
I have known my best friends dh since we were about 14. He often slaps my bum, to which I reply "oi!" or somesuch. It's just a joke.
nce when we were all at a wedding, he walked past me and dh, came back, dipped me and gave me a 5 second kiss.
I think that was a bit much, and made me feel a bit uncomfortable,plus dh wasn't pleased! But he had had a few, and he was enjoying the wedding and is a bit of an extrovert.
Dh doesn't have any close female friends though, and if he did it to my bf (he never would) she would be unamused.
Can't imagine him doing it to anyone actually.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 09-Dec-12 18:44:40

If any man other than my husband touched me anywhere, let alone my arse, , they would be on the floor after a swift knee to the balls, it's completely innapropriate and if my husband smacked any woman but me on the arse, he wouldn't be my husband much longer!

nochipsthanks Sun 09-Dec-12 18:46:52

Seriously, are we in a Carry on movie? Who the fuck thinks it is appropriate to physically smack someone on the ass who is not their partner? Really?

And people are defending this?


Hobbitation Sun 09-Dec-12 18:52:14

Sounds very Abigail's Party. Bleurgh.

Some years ago a friend of mine died (aged 35) suddenly. His wife, who was a closer friend of mine, asked me to speak at the funeral. At the wake at a hotel immediately afterwards I was talking to the vicar when I felt someone pinch my bum. It was my friend. My partner didn't mind. I think she just needed to do something, anything, to escape the pain and just do something silly.

Point being, women do the same things. It doesn't necessarily mean anything but if a partner is uncomfortable, then their feelings need to be considered. However, I wouldn't launch straight into a slanging match about it. Just tell them you don't like it. Slanging match if they then ignore you.

usualsocksprezzie Sun 09-Dec-12 18:54:06

I would think he was a twat.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:54:16

It would totally depend on who where, why and what. a lot of variables, It's not something my current DP would ever do though.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:55:14

Oh yes voiceofunreason I do it to my girl friends!

ladyfirenze Sun 09-Dec-12 18:55:55

ghost ship There are better ways to communicate. Fuck demure, I can be furious without raising my voice...

OrangeLily Sun 09-Dec-12 18:56:43

Wouldn't bother me but it would probably be me doing the smacking and inappropriate type touching of DH's pals

Bigwuss Sun 09-Dec-12 19:00:14

It wouldn't bother me.
I'm a bit shock that touching people is wrong. I do it all the time. Maybe I need to stop.

Overreactionoftheweek Sun 09-Dec-12 19:02:04

I've done this to a male friend completely without thinking in front of his gf blush

Dh and I were going through a stage of smacking each other on the arse as we passed each other, so I did it to my friend as he arrived for dinner, oops.

We were all a bit surprised and embarrassed by it!

I would be pissed off if dh did it cos he's just not a flirty man...luckily he realised I had an absent moment and wasn't really trying to cop a feel, ha. I've been invited to the couple's wedding so they obviously weren't that bothered either

thebody Sun 09-Dec-12 19:02:23

Noch, Really depends on the situation and dynamics of the relationship.

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 09-Dec-12 19:04:21

I have both male and female friends whose bottoms I am free to slap / pinch / squoosh and vice versa

It's all about the relationship

squeakytoy Sun 09-Dec-12 19:05:21

Wouldnt bother me at all if it were one of my mates.. we would all do it to each other and not think twice about it. If it were a grope that would be different though.

A playful slap on the arse is something that all of us do to each other when we are out and squeezing past to get to our seat.

If someone I didnt know did it to me, then I would be offended.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 09-Dec-12 19:06:17

Sort of thing I do to my friends, I can't resist a bent over arse blush

It is purely messing around tho. << hides gimp mask and nipple clamps >>

BigShinyBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 19:07:10

Would not bother me in the slightest. I personally think you overreacted.

WinkyWinkola Sun 09-Dec-12 19:07:23

I wouldn't be comfortable with it as its very flirty and the other woman might have hated it too.

Mind you, I was at a kids b'day party today and one of the mothers there, who I barely know, pinched my rump as I was leaning over pouring juice. I squeaked and didn't really know what to say. blush

piglettsmummy Sun 09-Dec-12 19:09:57

I'd have hated that my ex was a massive flirt and on our part it was a major reason why we split up I hated it he almost put himself out there. I know that's not what ur dh is doing but I still wouldn't be happy and think a tellin off was going easy on him!!hmm

scottishmummy Sun 09-Dec-12 19:23:43

do you think they're having it off?
is it the smack or do you think it indicative of something else
is your dh like thus to all women or just her

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 09-Dec-12 19:28:43

What if it were another part of the body? She pushed in and in retaliation he slapped her on her arm or back? I'd thoughtbtjat would be agresdivevteat's behaviour and would feel assaulted. Yes, even by a friend. I think the arse us a bit of avred herring. For me it's the context of the slap.

I used to mock about with friends like this, which was a joke. I did enjoy it though... blush

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 09-Dec-12 19:29:45

Erm... Aggressive twat it was supposed to be.

If my DH slapped anyone I would want to know what the hell he thought he was doing. He isn't someone that would ever lay hands on anyone without the most extreme provocation though. Slapping someone isn't flirting, it's a slap, and the part of their body it lands on is immaterial. (And we are "into" the D/s scene for want of a better phrase, and would still not dream of slapping someone, or each other, in public like that) Who on earth thinks striking someone is funny/amusing/flirtatious? hmm It's weird, and if he's trying to make out that you OP are somehow in the wrong for calling him on it, then that's even weirder - sounds like he knows he was wrong and is ashamed of himself, which I guess is a good thing if it stops him making an arse of himself and assaulting your friends in future.

dementedma Sun 09-Dec-12 20:39:53

Bloody hell, some very uptight people on here.wouldn't bother me in the slightest if it was an old friend who I loved and trusted.

zoomy81 Sun 09-Dec-12 20:44:09

If my dp slapped another women's bum id slap him round the face! What would he do if you slapped some bloke arse ?

SundaeGirl Sun 09-Dec-12 20:47:16

This is less about your relationship with your DH than his relationship with her. Did she take it OK? What did she think?

Bubblegum78 Sun 09-Dec-12 20:51:52

Ordinarily I would say it depends on your social circle, but as you are upset this is clearly not normal behaviour between you DH and friends?

I personally do not find this acceptable.

How owuld your DH feel if some bloke smacked you on the bum?

We all have boundries and your hubby has upset you, bottom line, he needs to acknoweledge that and appologise (and not do it again).


FelicityWasSanta Sun 09-Dec-12 20:53:29

If my dp slapped another women's bum id slap him round the face! What would he do if you slapped some bloke arse ?

I honestly don't know how my DH would react, but I'm damn sure he wouldn't slap me round the face! And can you imagine the MN reaction if he did?

....Back to the OP, I'd have been pissed off too... But we need more context to know how bad it was IMO.

NervousAt20 Sun 09-Dec-12 21:01:48

I wouldn't be happy either. YANBU

quesadilla Sun 09-Dec-12 21:03:26

Totally depends on the nature of the relationship between your DH and the woman and the way you feel about it. For me, if it was in the context of their friendship it wouldn't bother me. But it obviously does bother you and I think you need to figure out why...

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sun 09-Dec-12 21:07:23

I bet she is mortified, hurt and upset at being treated with such disrespect.

What does her husband think, you reckon?

Inertia Sun 09-Dec-12 21:08:04

I am really taken aback by the number of people who think it's acceptable for a man to smack any woman on any part of her body without her permission, especially a woman who is not his sexual partner.

OP, YANBU. It's certainly not normal behaviour in all social circles. I wouldn't accept that from my friends or my husband's friends, and DH wouldn't do it to other women.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 09-Dec-12 21:09:43

Im amazed that anybody thinks its ok!

TheCortanaThatStoleChristmas Sun 09-Dec-12 21:11:05

Nicely said Felicity.

DP and I slap each other on the arse. We also play fight. Part of the dynamics of our relationship. Not even a sexual thing, just playful.

I asked DP if he would slap someones arse in front of me and his response was "depends on our relationship with that person". I asked how he would feel if I slapped his best friend's arse, he said it wouldn't bother him but again that was down to the relationship his buddy and I have (brother and sister like).

I think if you're upset then it's obviously not part of your relationship dynamic and he was BU though.

Redbindy Sun 09-Dec-12 21:13:54

Does he spank you? He might have a bit of a fetish.

WitchOfEndor Sun 09-Dec-12 21:23:30

I wouldn't be happy, but that's probably because I would hate any of DHs friends to slap me on the arse!

squeakytoy Sun 09-Dec-12 21:25:53

A playful gentle slap on the arse is not in any way shape or form the same thing as slapping someone across the face..

onedev Sun 09-Dec-12 21:27:19

I wouldn't like it at all.

OnwardBound Sun 09-Dec-12 21:41:14

It does depend on the context of the relationship between your DH and your friend imo.

If they are old friends, or have a brother/sister type relationship it might be okay.

Similarly it depends on your DHs general attitude towards flirting and his history of relating to women who are not his partner.

If he is not generally a flirt, nor has a wandering eye, or previous history for inappropriate behaviour... if you feel securely loved by him and you trust him implicitly... then I guess a playful smack on the bum of a female friend [who is also comfortable with this and not upset] is okay.

But I think it can be risky behaviour [as evidenced by so many posters saying they dislike it] and thus shouldn't really be encouraged imo.

And the real issue of course is if it upset YOU OP.

In that instance your DH should be promising to never do it again, not just justifying and minimising it.

Adversecalendar Sun 09-Dec-12 22:01:49

Regardless of others saying they wouldn't mind, you did mind and it has obviously really hurt your feelings. I would not like it at all eithe

peaceandlovebunny Sun 09-Dec-12 22:55:50

he has expressed a level of intimacy with her which isn't acceptable to you.

note it. start gathering evidence of his income etc. find all important documents and photographs and lodge them somewhere safe, where he can't get at them and where they are available if you leave. not with a friend - they tell. keep your eyes and ears open for further evidence of inappropriate behaviour. it may be that you have to ltb.


scottishmummy Mon 10-Dec-12 07:02:04

bemused amount of folk think it's ok to smack female pal on arse
I think op has reason to be aggrieved
it's disrespectful and bit grubby frankly

SilentSplendidSun Mon 10-Dec-12 07:20:01

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Whatever happened to boundaries? I cant even get my head around the fact, close pals pat each other around the bums. But a pal's wife? Don't men have formal relationships with friends wives, sister in laws etc? However jokey and close the relationship, why touch someone's bum?

Don't understand the people ok with it. Is this an unfortunate side effect of the porn culture?

Morloth Mon 10-Dec-12 07:24:25

Women are not property. They are not there to provide amusement to other people.

I would be unhappy if DH had the sort of relationship with someone else that he could smack them on the arse without it being weird.

sashh Mon 10-Dec-12 07:31:43

I told him it was completely inappropriate behaviour for a married man

It's unacceptable for any man.

It is sexual assault. Why on earth does he think that is OK?

A playful gentle slap on the arse is not in any way shape or form the same thing as slapping someone across the face.

No a slap accross the face is assault. A slap on the bum is sexual assault.

HollyBerryBush Mon 10-Dec-12 07:35:13

Why do the OPs never come back to these threads?

Because they like setting off moral indignation thats why.

Laughing @ sexual assault.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 10-Dec-12 07:36:17


jamdonut Mon 10-Dec-12 08:12:09

Sorry, but in my eyes YABU.
lol at "sexual assault".
For goodness sake! He knew you were there, presumably his friend was there.I call that playfulness between friends. Did she or her husband complain? Would there have been a scene if her husband did that to you?
If she was a complete stranger I might be a bit more hmm but I personally think you are making a huge mountain out of a molehill.

Jelly15 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:13:03

This is the first chance I have had to get back on line this weekend. Thank you for your replies. DP once slapped another friends arse about twenty years ago and a big row followed. I have not seen any behaviour from him like this until now.

Both women just rolled their eyes in a dismissive way to DH and I don't think he is attracted to either woman but I feel his behaviour is disrespectfull to me and them.

diddl Mon 10-Dec-12 08:23:36

Well to me it´s either intimate of aggressive.

Neither of which I would deem acceptable.

unacceptable in my book.

i wouldn't be happy if someone did this to me, nor my dh did it to someone.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 08:40:46

I'm fascinated by the fact that the posters saying this is acceptable are not remotely concerned with how the slapped woman feels about having her arse.

Like it's just something she should have to put up with.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 08:44:43

About having her arse touched by her husband's friend.

HullyEastergully Mon 10-Dec-12 08:48:20

I smack my friends' arses (male and female) all the time.

I'm not sure if that helps or not.

Morloth Mon 10-Dec-12 08:49:37

diddl just said exactly what I was trying to say.

Morloth Mon 10-Dec-12 08:50:30

I would be pretty pissed off if anyone other than my husband slapped my arse.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 10-Dec-12 08:52:17

If they rolled their eyes, they presumably aren't happy with this. So why does your DH do it?

It makes it worse that he has done it before, because he knows you aren't happy with it.

It makes no difference whether me, and the other people here, would cut our DH's hands off or encourage him to slap every arse he can. It's your relationship, and your friends. Your friend was not happy with him slapping her arse, your DH knows you don't like it, and yet he did it anyway.

The fact that she rolled her eyes rather than said anything rather suggests that he's known for this type of creepy behaviour, IMO.

My DH smacks my sisters bum all the time.

Doesn't bother me.

Morloth Mon 10-Dec-12 08:57:18

God, my sisters would floor my DH if he did that.

diddl Mon 10-Dec-12 08:58:36

"My DH smacks my sisters bum all the time."

Presumably it doesn´t bother her either?

But why does he do it?

Can´t he just hug her instead??

Am I odd in thinking it´s an intimate thing to do?

Blimey. I know women round these parts in their 20s who regularly shove their male friends faces in their cleavage. Even the ones who aren't single. It seems to be what passes for playful these days.

Mind you, I work in the theatre, and all sorts of things go on there.

I was recently in a show where I had to have a load of women - of assorted ages - grab me, pull me on the floor and surround me. As the curtains closed, you saw a shirt go up, as if they had ripped it off me (they hadn't). Several of them took the opportunity throughout the run at this point to pinch my bum - the audience couldn't see it, but they felt it was "in character" to do so. I should obviously have them all arrested for sexual assault.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 10-Dec-12 09:13:12

VoiceOfUnreason - with respect, your experience is very different to the OPs. For a start, more flirtatious behaviour goes on in the theatre than anywhere else.

Secondly, you are clearly all okay with that kind of behaviour.

It doesn't sound like the woman here was. And the OP definitely wasn't.

diddl Mon 10-Dec-12 09:17:39

"I should obviously have them all arrested for sexual assault."

Not necessarily-but if you weren´t OK with it, & they didn´t need to do it-why wouldn´t you tell them not to?

Caja - ah, so it depends WHERE it takes place and in what setting as to whether it is acceptable or not? Why am I clearly OK with that behaviour? Based on the original posting, we didn't know whether the other woman had a problem or not.

I actually asked them NOT to do this but as the run progressed it started up again. I asked them to stop again and they did, but not without one or two of them saying "oh it's only fun". But had one of them done it again, I'd have had words, but I wouldn't be calling it a sexual assault.

diddl Mon 10-Dec-12 09:18:52

"Mind you, I work in the theatre, and all sorts of things go on there."

That sounds horrible close to excusing stuff that shouldn´t be happening.

The point is, in my case, we're talking about people I barely know. In the original case, we're talking about friends who have known each other (presumably) for some time and know what boundaries there are. I have female friends who were flirty with me when they were single - but only in jest - and continued after they were married. Even in front of their husbands. No one batted an eyelid because it was never anything more.

There is a BIG difference between what is acceptable between friends and strangers and IF people don't mind it, then that is their choice and to basically say ANYONE who does this type of thing has a problem or is committing sexual assault is going way overboard. People are posting on here as if it is NEVER OK, which is nonsense.

In the OP's case, she didn't like it, she should have words and if the DH takes no heed of that, then that's a problem and I back her 100%. It's some of the follow-ups that I find bizarre.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 09:25:50

"Several of them took the opportunity throughout the run at this point to pinch my bum - the audience couldn't see it, but they felt it was "in character" to do so. I should obviously have them all arrested for sexual assault."

That sounds very unpleasant.

I'm sure you don't feel able to make a complaint of sexual harassment, but that is certainly what it was.

diddl - I'm making no excuses. But I'd say more affairs go on in the theatre than in other work places. The close proximity of actors out on the road and being away from partners for weeks, often months on end, happens a heck of a lot. I am not saying this is right, of course, just an observation. These women I mentioned earlier who happily shove blokes' faces in their cleavage - no one bats an eyelid in the theatre but they damn well would in an office or school or middle of Tesco!

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 09:30:45

"we're talking about friends who have known each other (presumably) for some time and know what boundaries there are."

Sorry, but that doesn't follow.

People can be friends for a long time (do we even know how long this man has been friends with the husband of the woman he smacked?) and not understand boundaries.

Women, in particular, often feel under a lot of pressure not to complain about this kind of boundary crossing.

Because it is apparently "just a joke", women are not allowed to complain.

A lot of sexual assault goes on under the "it's only a bit if a laugh" cloak.

Sleigh - really? I know what the boundaries are with my friends.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 10-Dec-12 09:46:10

I can understand why you're upset OP, especially if it's happened before.

My DH got drunk once and smacked my friend's arse. She gave him a proper telling off, and told me about it later. I was mortified, and so was he - he realised he'd been hugely inappropriate. He's never done anything like it again.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 10-Dec-12 09:46:51


It is not a respectful act and it does have a sexual connotation.

Otherwise men would be happily slapping each others' bum firmly to show that they are friendly.

donnie Mon 10-Dec-12 09:49:58

if a 'friend' of my dh slapped my arse I would punch him in the face. Truly.

Kendodd Mon 10-Dec-12 10:01:31


Also shock that so many think it's ok.

I would be fuming, shocked and humiliated if somebody did that to me. I can't imagine in a million years my DH would ever do anything like that, I would be speechless if he did. Maybe that's just my social circle though.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 10-Dec-12 10:01:55

So would I donnie. My friend has more restraint than I do!

Kendodd Mon 10-Dec-12 10:08:31

Does he not realise that there are parts of other peoples bodies that it's just not appropriate to touch, unless you have to.

MrsBethel Mon 10-Dec-12 10:18:00

Yeah, bit of a twattish thing to do, and he probably knows it. He knows you didn't like it. With benefit of hindsight I suspect he wouldn't do it again.

Now let it go.

My sister laughs.

It's a long running joke.

She does it to him too.

Latara Mon 10-Dec-12 11:11:21

I would have smacked his face, or better still thrown my drink at his groin so it looked like he'd had a slight accident. That's a reasonable response IMO.


Pendeen Mon 10-Dec-12 12:00:37

OP, YANBU because that is the relationship you have with your DH I cannot argue, however I personally would not be offended if I had been the friend's wife.

I wouldn't consider that act, in those circumstances, to be "sexual assault."

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 12:03:22


"Sleigh - really? I know what the boundaries are with my friends."

You (think) you know what the boundaries are with your friends, but you can't seriously be arguing that everyone does, or that those boundaries are never overstepped?

I'm sure most of us have met more than one individual in our lives that either don't understand or don't respect expected social boundaries.


"With benefit of hindsight I suspect he wouldn't do it again."

You suspect wrong.

Even with the benefit of hindsight of the row he caused last time he did this, he still did it again.

Sleigh - "he still did it again". TWENTY YEARS LATER!! We're not talking regular occurrence here. You'd probably advocate leaving the bastard if he left the toilet set up again when it was the first time he'd done it in 20 years.

I think it completely depends on the context and the friendship. I have a group of very close friends I share with my dp and none of us are adverse to a cheeky slap on the arse smile

ENormaSnob Mon 10-Dec-12 12:16:22

I wouldn't be best pleased tbh.

It's sleazy.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 12:24:00


I was just countering the argument that the benefit of hindsight would stop him next time.

He had the benefit of hindsight this time and it didn't help.

I didn't say she should LTB, just that I would be beyond embarrassed if my husband behaved in this way.

Given that the OP says the first incident was 20 or so years ago, it's probably reasonable the her DH had forgotten all about the row after the first incident. But she's still not unreasonable to be annoyed that he did it (especially if the woman whose arse he slapped wasn't impressed). He should definitely have apologised. First to the woman and then to the OP for embarrassing her.

Some people do have very odd ideas about personal boundaries though. I was in a John Lewis cafe once with DH and the kids. We were getting ready to go. I was standing putting on my scarf and DH was herding the kids away from the table. Some totally random man put his hands on my waist as he squeezed through the gap between tables. I nearly jumped out of my skin and must have looked totally mortified. I didn't say anything to DH because I didn't want to cause a scene. But, in hindsight, I probably should have caused a scene. I just can't understand how anyone could think that was alright, but clearly that man felt it was ok (or perhaps that he is entitled to touch any women any way he pleases). Horrible.

I've also had my arse grabbed by strange, letcherous men as I tried to walk through a crowded pub to go to the toilet. I was not impressed and got the bouncers to chuck the bastard out.

That said, I can see how it's fine within the boundaries of some personal relationships. I'm just not sure how you ever get to the point of knowing its fine to slap someone's arse (when you're not in a sexual relationship with them).

jessjessjess Wed 19-Dec-12 15:36:30

YANBU. That is intruding on someone's personal space to an unacceptable degree, even if she finds it sexy or flirty when her own partner does it it's not okay for a married man to do it.

If my H did this, I would be livid.

Spuddybean Wed 19-Dec-12 15:42:04

i would say it depends on the dynamics of the friendship. It wouldn't bother me with someone DP knew really well. i would do it to some of my male friends and not others.

LalyRawr Wed 19-Dec-12 15:55:38

I spoke to DH and in our group of friends it would be more likely for DH to slap the husbands arse!

I really wouldn't be cool with him slapping my best friends backside. To me it would be like groping her tits or me grabbing her husbands dick.

(Just to reiterate, to ME it would be the same, not saying it would be for everyone.)

SantasNaughtySack Wed 19-Dec-12 17:45:50

Both DH and I are bum smackers, but only to friends who are also the same way inclined grin
But if it's something that bothers you, then your DH should not do it, or argue once you've told him you're upset.

diabolo Wed 19-Dec-12 18:01:52

My BIL does it to me. I don't like it.

I don't understand why he does it.

I might kick him in the balls next time wink

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