to feel unhappy about my best friend going after my ex boyfriend..

(92 Posts)
welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 13:45:44

I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while.

I have 2 DC's & have been with my partner for 12 years. There are issues but generally we are Ok I think although I have always wondered if it was a re-bound relationship as we got together 6 months after the ex. This ex reappearing has brought up a few old feelings.

What I am not dealing with is my best friend told me that she thought my ex was hot and would quite like to be with him and I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel sick. I couldnt bear it.

So what does this say about me? Am I jealous? Do I still have feelings? Its all rocked me and made me question stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to not want my best friend to have anything to do with my ex? There arent enough words to describe how much I would hate it!

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 13:47:42

Speak to your friend about it. Tell her no, she'll understand
See a therapist about the rest

Is it just your best friend you feel like this about or is it any woman with him?

Tbh if they become attracted to each other there is nothing you can do about it and you dont really have a right to after 12 years.

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Sun 09-Dec-12 13:54:26

Tell her no, she'll understand

If I were her I'd tell you to fuck right off. Who are you to be telling anyone who they may or may not have a relationship with?

thornrose Sun 09-Dec-12 13:54:36

Did you think about him much before he reappeared?

I don't think it's that unusual for you not to want your best friend to have a relationship with this ex.

I think your feelings have been stirred up by him reappearing. How did the relationship end?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 14:03:29

I think it rather odd and grim when friends fish from within the same catch and release pool
That's why I said she'd understand Snowballs..shurley most wouldn't be arsed, especially if your friend requesteded

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 14:06:37

Yabu, 13 years is a long time, let it go.

WorraLorraTurkey Sun 09-Dec-12 14:08:51

Catch and release pool?

These are human beings you are talking about ffs.

OP, after 13yrs I'm sorry but I think your friend has every right to date him and you're just going to have to try your best to get over it.

I'm sure it'll be tough at first though.

Aspiemum2 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:10:36

I understand why you find it strange but it really isn't any if your business, though you may feel it is.

We have no ownership rights over who are ex's choose to date. You are in a long term relationship yourself, you have children. Let your old flame go and date who he chooses but remember that just because she finds him attractive doesn't mean it's mutual, you may be worrying over nothing

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:13:32

I have had some amazing exes, but I tend to go for serial relationships.
Not this is mine, and this is mine and this is also mine.
Are you really saying that you have a partner and two children, and you still want your ex as well?
You sound jealous and possessive to me, let it go or destroy your current relationship, and your friendship with your ex and your friendship with your best friend.

FestiveDigestive Sun 09-Dec-12 14:17:41

If she was your best friend at the time & she remembers the relationship, then of course she shouldn't and you shouldn't be put in the position where you have to say anything. A man you'd briefly dated in the past would be different but I don't think that close friends should go after your serious ex-boyfriends. I would never do that to a friend - there are plenty of other men out there to choose from!

HildaOgden Sun 09-Dec-12 14:19:31

I think you like to feel that the option of being with him is still open to you (even if you don't act on it) and if he hooks up with her,that door closes.

I'd say nothing to either of them yet....he might not be even interested in her anyway...but I'd try to get my head around still seeing your husband as a 'second prize' even after all these years.That can't be healthy.

Well I can understand you feeling bad about it, a bit, but I don't think you have any right to tell her to back off him especially after well over a decade. I think this is one of those occasions where you just acknowledge your negative feelings to yourself and move on, sister.

What happens if they fall in love and turn out to be a great match? Do you have the right to stop that happening? But then as a previous poster mentioned, he might not even want to start anything with her.

Also, you have a DP and kids. Do you really want to be daydreaming about coulda shoulda woulda and the grass being greener...where will it end?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 14:22:51

yeah, catch and release

I think very few of you would be feeling differently from the OP regarding a mate dating your ex in RL
I know she has married etc but as there are billions of men on the planet why must make a move or accept a move from this one?

Friend's relationship is with OP. OP says it would make her uncomfortable.
That should be the end of the musing over how hot he is or is not.
Otherwise she's a pretty poor friend

fuzzywuzzy Sun 09-Dec-12 14:25:11

You really can't do anything without looking a bit crazy.

And if they get together, you risk losing both their friendship & the respect of mutual friends if you try to stop them.

Take a step back & work on your own relationship.

welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 14:29:31

I am definately not jealous and possesive nebulous- just extremely wierded out by the whole scenario. My friend was about when I wad in the original relationship & knew my ex well- I had no idea she felt this way about him.
Its just rocked me. I love my husband- i have 2 kids with him. The ex turning up has just put the cat amongst the pigeons for me as it ended when he left to live overseas & we never had a 'proper ending' if there is such a thing.
Its all been very unexpected thats all- i dont want to umreasonable, hence asking the question on here!

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:30:53

I dunno, the whole mates and ex thing doesn't sit right with me. If there is an u deniable spark between them, then not much one can do but accept it, but I personally value my friendships and wouldn't wish to cause distress to my friends.

You do need to get over it though, they are both available, but some lines, for me, need not be crossed

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 09-Dec-12 14:33:56

She may not have felt this way when you were together. It was years ago as you have said.

I think you would be very unreasonable to tell her she cannot date him. You feeling weird about it is your problem, not hers. You are married with kids, your friend i assume is single and likes this man. Who are you to stop her from dating him? If you ask me, you sound like a pretty shitty friend.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:36:45

Thirteen years and you are still weirded out?
Have you talked to your current partner about how you feel?
Of course not. He'd either think you were very odd or start recognising that you see him as a rebound second prize.

welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 14:38:16

Thanks for that judgement puds- not. Part of me asking the question was about trying not to be a shitty friend

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:40:44

Look at your thread title, it sounds like breaking news, hot off the press. Not something dead and buried for over a decade that you have a hidden shrine to,
How many other relationships has he had between then and now? Hopefully a lot.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 14:43:38

It isn't normal to be happy seeing ex partners date your friends
Some people may tolerate it but really it's odd and awkward all round
It's also unnecessary

No matter what your feelings for him I'd question the motives and self esteem of anyone of my friends who wanted to feed on my leftovers. No matter how cold they were

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:44:32

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time. I can see where you're coming from OP. Your friend and your ex are both single and eligible to date, but the fact your friend would want to date an 'ex' of yours creeps me out a little.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:44:59

I'm going to leave this thread now, bunny-boilers are a bit weird.
If you feel unsupported, post in relationships.

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:46:56

Hardly bunny boiling...nice bit of hatred towards women again

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:49:15

No, I don't hate the best friend or the OP. I just think that to remain possessive over so many years, to have married someone else and had children and still want to feel ownership of another man is unhinged.
How is that a generalised hatred of women?

simplesusan Sun 09-Dec-12 14:50:10

I think yabu.
I would stop ringing the ex and taking his calls.
Was your relationship with your current dp fine until the ex came along or are there any underlying problems?
Can you strive to make your current relationship better. can you make a fuss over your partner and in turn start to feel more sensual around him.

I think it is a case of the grass appearing greener and you fantasising about how it could have been, when the reality is it ended and there was a good reason for that.

You will appear insane if you ask your friend not to go after your ex. What if she tells your partner?
Put it to the back of your mind, try and do some fun activities with your dp, or at the very least get out with friends and have some me time.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:50:31

But as I said, the OP will be far better off posting in Relationships with people there who will understand and empathise. I think SIBU.

HairyGrotter Sun 09-Dec-12 14:53:35

It's not bunny boiling, despite what sort of relationship she shared with him or how many years ago it was, why would a friend want to even 'go there'? However, some folk see it as perfectly reasonable, others find it icky and weird

I agree that the OP needs to lose all feelings towards him, and needs to focus on her partner and kids

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 09-Dec-12 14:54:30

It's AIBU, you are asking for judgement. I stand by mine. Its been 13 years. It's not your friends fault you never got over him, so why should she be stopped from seeing him?

Also you really need to look at the issues with your marriage if a man from 13 years ago really has this big of an impact.

Does the man even like your friend? If not, then there is no issue.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 09-Dec-12 14:56:04

you can't tell your friend not to go after a man you split with thirteen years ago! don't be ridiculous!

get over yourself. you don't own him. you have a partner and children - focus!

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:00:34

I think you are being reasonable regarding your friend
Nothing to say he'd be interested but that's by the by
If it would make you uncomfortable, tell her. State the reasons you've given...or don't. Just say you don't like it and ask her to stop
If she's a friend she will... If she's a Jeremy Kyle wannabe she won't

If she persists in trying to start a relationship with him after you have made it clear how uncomfortable it makes you..ditch her. She has no interest in your feelings.

I think it is worthwhile seeing a therapist about how this has made you feel regarding your own relationship.
I don't mean that there is a problem as sometimes seeing exs make us long for our youth or freedom...but talking it through mad sorting out your feelings will help you and your current relationship

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 15:02:31

Yabu.

You were only together for a year over a decade ago. I feel a bit sorry for your partner/husband.

If I was your friend I wouldn't have even mentioned it unless they were actually getting together in all honesty,it was more than courteous of her to tell you how she feels. She doesn't have to ask your permission and is unlikely to take you,married with children,telling her she can't date a particular man very well.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:04:02

Since when did friends date other friends exs?

Shallow end of the pool here

Numberlock Sun 09-Dec-12 15:04:29

OP- You say there are issues in your current relationship. What are they?

quesadilla Sun 09-Dec-12 15:04:44

I've been in a similar situation: someone I was with for about 18 months a long long time ago has married one of my best friends. I did feel quite odd about it initially... It just felt strange because it seemed in a way to negate my relationship with him. At the end of the day though there is nothing you can do - they are independent adults and can choose their own partners and trying to stop it will just get your friends back up and guarantee a sticky situation if they do get together. You have to make tout peace with it. You will probably find it they do get together - which isn't a given at all - you will get used to it quicker then you think.

GreenPetals Sun 09-Dec-12 15:06:23

I have just read the OP's posts.

What stands out for me is that, in effect, this relationship with her ex isn't finished in her eyes. He left to work abroad, it was 13 years ago. It can be easy to look at the relationship with rose tinted glasses and start feeling those 'old feelings again' (and doubts. Could we have had a great relationship if he had stayed in the UK and we had stayed together).

OP I really think you need to look at that old relationship and realize that what ever the reasons you have moved on. You have settled down with your DH, you have 2 dcs. Looking at the past with regrets and 'what if' will only bring misery to all concerned (you of course, but also your DH, your dcs, your ex and your friend).

This guy left and he did so because your relationship with him wasn't important enough for him not to go. If it had been, he would have stayed in touch, would have gone back to the Uk etc... But he didn't.
On the other side, it was clearly an important time for you.
But you need to turn the page. As other have said, you might want to talk through your feelings with a counsellor (please don't do that with your DH or your friend).

And let your friend be. 13 years is a long time.
And she isn't the problem anyway. What is the problem is that you see her trying to go out with him and you think 'it could be me' or rather 'it should be me'. The issue here is your own feelings regarding the relationship and it ending (eg you think there was nothing wrong about it and it would have carried on if he hadn't been 'forced' to move away because of work).

Hope you will find some peace.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 09-Dec-12 15:07:29

Since when did friends date other friends exs?

since we all became adults?
going out with someone doesn't give you dibs on him for life. what a ridiculous idea.
your friend will understand? why should she have to? she might be missing out on some fun or a life partner because someone went out with him in 1999. laughable.

GreenPetals Sun 09-Dec-12 15:07:38

Oh btw, I also agree that the relationship board would be a better place for this thread.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 15:09:03

Wayne so if the love of your life had briefly dated your friend for 5 minutes in the past...you wouldn't date him now?

It's a completely made up rule. I've had a friend try to set me up with her ex previously. You can't claim ownership of people just because you've had sex with them.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 15:12:06

This happened to me, I was the friend, rather than the OP.

She has been with someone else for years, and me and this guy (I had no idea she had such strong feelings for him mind you), this was this massive instant attraction when we met.

We shared a drunken snog a few weeks later somewhere else, and she literally went BESERK.

She sent me vile emails and texts and posted about me all over the web, how dreadful a mother I was etc, (I was a single parent), it was insane.

She went onto to try to get me sacked from my job.

I have never known anything like it - she terrified me. But, she also pushed us together, I mean no-one likes being told what to do and she was also sending him vile emails, so of course we got together to talk about it - whereas chances are it would of gone no-where, it ended up going further.

I know OP, you aren't thinking of behaving like that, but she had no reason to be like it, he and I were consenting adults, she was in a committed relationship with someone else and I had no idea what was coming.

It was truly awful.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 09-Dec-12 15:15:12

I think if it's your ex husband, then it would be acceptable to say no, however if it was a brief relationship 13 years ago (regardless of how 'intense' it was), its ridiculous to be bothered by it now.

You had your chance then, you ended it for a reason.

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 15:15:13

This friends not dating exes was a 'thing' when I was probably about 16. I think its a bit immature to lay claim on someone you had a fairly brief fling with years ago. The issue here isn't your friend at all, but your feelings for a very old brief flame

SantasBitch Sun 09-Dec-12 15:18:37

I find this really odd. A friend of mine asked me if I would mind if she went out with ex DP about a month after we split up. Why on earth would I have minded? We'd split up - I had no claim on him! If he could have a happy relationship with someone else after we had split up, why would I want to stop it? hmm

MummytoKatie Sun 09-Dec-12 15:18:38

I went out with someone for a year about 13 years ago. I finished it. (For my now husband actually.)

I definitely don't want him back.

But I would still feel very "icky" if my (then and now) best friend started going out with him.

Not really sure why. Probably because he knows what turns me on. And how I like to be touched. And has touched me in that way. And would he use the things I told him I liked on her?

Eewwwww. Just icky really.

The only thing more icky would be to go out with one of her exes. Wondering if what he was doing is what she liked would be the ultimate turn off!

Luckily we are both happily married so our sex lives remain ick free!

HollyBerryBush Sun 09-Dec-12 15:20:53

The OP has unfinished business with her Ex. In her words, it ended when one went overseas - it wasn't a natural end to the relationship.

So many, if, but, maybe's - no wonder she's a bit freaked out by her mate dating this chap.

My DH is a (now ex) friends ex, she dated him for about three weeks a year before he and I got together and when he and I started seeing each other she called me in bits saying she couldn't bear it as he finished with her blah blah blah, despite the fact she had a partner and was pregnant.

What was I suposed to do? Sacrifice my happiness so her and her partner could get on with their lives? She ended up falling out with me about it, but to be honest if someone is going to be so selfish they aren't worth bothering about anyway.

I was out in my hometown 2 years ago and she saw me in the pub and came marching u demanding to know why I went out with her ex, her poor DH was with her and was mortified, despite 13 years passing she was still harping on about my 'betrayal'.

You need to let it go or you will lose your friend.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:24:53

I honestly think that you must all inhabit other planets

The OPs friend knew them when they were a couple.
The OP is weirded out by meeting him again.
The friend thinks he's hot.

There are lots of hot men in the world ask her to direct her gaze elsewhere.

This thread reminds me of all the friends who fuck their friend's husbands and boyfriends. All in the name of love or lust

Well what about dignity or loyalty or even empathy.

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 15:25:38

Holly, after 13 years a new dp and 2 kids, the business isn't just finished, its gone into administration and been sold off!!!

I would never ever 'fuck' someones husband or boyfriend thanks very much wayne hmm I fell in love with my husband, we now have 4 children and have been together for 13 years. Should I not have fallen in love with him because of a 3 week fling with someone?

Where was my 'friends' dignity, loyalty and empathy to me, and her partner for that matter?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:29:51

Please excuse me if you have all grown up and remained in the same one horse town
Then it makes more sense that you would bath in your friends old bath water ... No other options makes sense

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 15:33:41

Wayne are you 16? biscuit

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 15:33:45

Maybe op could ask her ex of 13 years to avert his gaze from this temptress hmm

ivanapoo Sun 09-Dec-12 15:35:26

YABU. You need to focus on what you have.

In my circle of friends there's been a fair bit of overlap. I like to think because we're all reasonable people who generally stayed friendly with exes after splitting up.

One friend dated the best mate and the brother of the man she went on to marry - a man incidentally I'd dated a few years before.

Generally there's been at least a few years between these relationships which would naturally lessen any weirdness, but not always.

I would assume, given you are long term married and have kids with someone else, that you wouldn't care now who dated your ex partners.

So I wouldn't expect it even to occur to your friend that you might hate the idea.

I have a "one that got away" too - he's a great guy and we get on really well when we catch up. In fact I like him enough that I would want him to be happy and if he found that in a relationship with one of my close friends, good luck to them both.

Have you introduced this ex to your husband? Perhaps you should, if you want to stay friendly. If not I would just avoid contact for a while.

atacareercrossroads Sun 09-Dec-12 15:36:59

Nah Wayne, I'm just all grown up ;)

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 15:43:43

I don't think it's immature to expect grown women to have some level of respect for each other.
If the Op is uncomfortable and lets her friend know. The friend has clear knowledge that pursuing the ex will cause her some troubles
To do so would then show a lack of respect to the OP and their friendship

I would never date a friends ex as I have more options. I understand not everyone does. I am happy you can relabel these limitations

FestiveDigestive Sun 09-Dec-12 15:46:42

I agree with wayne. It's not about the ex, it's about the friendship.

A friend who tries to dictate who you can and can't see based on something that happened years ago and despite being married herself, isn't a friend worth having anyway.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 16:12:34

Actually I don't think it's about the friend at all. It's all about the ex. OP feels there is unfinished business there,it's all about the fact she still wants him despite her long term relationship and two children with another man.

So friend or indeed any woman can't have him because OP wants to have her cake and eat it.

Do we know if the ex even slightly reciprocates these feelings or is just being friendly now he's back in the country and they have mutual friends?

BOFingSanta Sun 09-Dec-12 16:23:16

You're very pleased with your pool metaphor, aren't you, Welsh? grin

OP, you don't get to call shotgun after thirteen bloody years, how ridiculous! I agree though that the issue is how happy you are generally in your life. Why are you giving this man so much power?

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 16:23:39

For me, I think men come and go but strong female relationships remain.

OP, If you can't explain your discomfort over a situation, have your feelings respected and listened to, well then I think you simply don't have a friendship.

There are lots of women who betray the trust and friendship of other women as soon as a man glances their way. Their what might become is worth more than the friendship they already have.
Personally I've always felt sorry for those women.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 16:31:13

But men aren't coming and going...the OP is in a long term relationship with another man!

And I don't think my friendships are more important than my relationship with my DP actually. They are of course important,but not more important. I am choosing to spend my life with my DP not just be pals!

Aspiemum2 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:41:25

I agree. My relationship with dh is my top priority and comes above anything else. Yes my friendships are important but my family is more so. As pp said, I intend to spend the rest of my life with dh.

Men come and go?? I might be doing it wrong but I've not got a revolving door here! One man + one women - works well for me thanks!

quoteunquote Sun 09-Dec-12 17:30:41

So your very good friend fancy an available man who you know to be lovely, and you don't want them to see if there is a spark because you once had a relationship with him over a decade ago, and you are in a relationship that you want to continue? Anything I've misunderstood.

manger in dog the, rearrange

I would be careful about letting your friend know this, as usually friends want their friends to be happy.

AmberLeaf Sun 09-Dec-12 17:32:56

It isn't something Id do and I wouldn't be over the moon if a close friend of mine got together with my ex.

If a friend of mine did date my ex, I probably wouldn't say anything though.

madas Sun 09-Dec-12 17:36:24

Does your OH know you talk on the phone to this guy ?

Annakin31 Sun 09-Dec-12 17:39:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Dec-12 17:47:12

YANBU OP, I'm with you. You might not have the right to dictate who your ex dates, but equally no-one has the right to dictate your feelings. You can't stop them dating, but you can choose how to deal with it, and personally I'd be bloody tempted to cut off contact with both of them, unless they were falling over themselves to placate me.

Its kind of happened to me, but worse - I was dating a guy I really liked and my best friend got off with him at my birthday party, he stopped contacting me and started going out with her. He has apologised multiple times and gone out of his way to be a friend since; she has never spoken to me again. So I know what competitive bitches women can turn into. Ironically he has tried it on several times with me since they both got married, and I rebuffed him. I doubt she'll ever thank me though.

I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention.

I find the views that your life should be over and you should become a Stepford Wife as soon as you have kids a bit unrealistic.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sun 09-Dec-12 17:52:16

YANBU to feel the way you feel, OP.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 18:12:43

OP, YABU, anything you had was 13 years ago.

WayneDeer
“If you can't explain your discomfort over a situation, have your feelings respected and listened to, well then I think you simply don't have a friendship.”

So the friends feelings mean nothing? Very selfish of you.

LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP’s first paragraph.

StickEmUp Sun 09-Dec-12 18:28:15

I married my best mates cast off ... Its been 11 years now ....
Haha i just called my beloved a cast off.
You know what i mean.
If you didnt want a mate to go out with an ex that beat you up, but claims to hae changed etc, id understand the feelings but even then would say you cant pass comment.

WayneDeer Sun 09-Dec-12 18:42:48

The OP had a relationship with the man and rightly or wrongly has feelings she needs to work through surrounding him and the ending of their relationship

The OP has a friend who has said she thinks the ex is hot

Telling the friend she doesn't want her to try anything on with the ex isn't selfish. The friend doesn't have feelings for him. If she's a friend she will have respect for her friend, their friendship, her feelings and her wishes. If she doesn't the OP has lost nothing in her

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:50:15

One of my very best friends slept with my ex, we had been split up about 4 months, and I wasn't with anyone else. It was a one off and mutual friends told me about it. I never said anything to her, even though it made me feel a tiny bit sick, we got back together about 2 years later and have been together 12 years now, I've spoke to him about it, in a jokey way, but never said anything to her, because I wouldn't want her to feel she betrayed me, she didn't! We were split up, they got together, briefly! Not my business.
Maybe it will help you to move on OP, you need to.

Megatron Sun 09-Dec-12 18:59:32

Sorry but YABU. You are all adults and this is ancient history, though I accept that it may not be for you. My friend got together with my ex 15 years after we split up and although I found it slightly strange being in his company again, that quickly passed and it's fine.

We split up because we didn't want to be together and I want my friend to be happy. I have no 'dibs' on him and I'm afraid neither do you with your ex (I mean that kindly, not in a horrible way). Think of the things that are important to you, like your DH and your children, the rest really doesn't matter.

Softlysoftly Sun 09-Dec-12 19:07:45

I just feel sorry for your DP, 12 years, 2 babies and you're not sure of he's a rebound shock I would be utterly destroyed if I thought my DH felt that way about me.

Cut contact with X, don't try and keep a foot on the dock and one on the boat, it's utterly self indulgent and childish.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 19:20:57

Unfortunately wayneDeer they are the OP's feelings and her issues, frankly its all very "teenage crush" and nothing to do with her friend.

If the OP's friend has a chance at a good relationship with this man then the OP (after 13 years) should be happy for her.

bottleofbeer Sun 09-Dec-12 19:43:06

If anybody wanted my ex I'd feel sorry for her. He's an arse. I dunno, it's kind of an unwritten rule isn't it? but logically it's a stupid one.

Two girls from my group of friends who had been the very best of friends for years no longer speak after a similar situation. I understand it to a degree. There's a man in my past that I couldn't bear to go out with anyone I know much less a friend.

I want to tell you to suck it up and move on but I can't because I see both sides. Toughie. On the whole if it's been an intense relationship that you've not really got over (we can still hurt from past relationships even if we've moved on) then I personally wouldn't consider it. If you'd had a three week fling that neither of you had felt strongly about then that's different.

It's all relative I suppose.

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Dec-12 20:18:34

*BoneyBackJefferson LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP’s first paragraph*

Yes. The ex is still single, still looking for a woman, has kept the OP in some way dangling enough to ensure she has feelings for him after 13 years and is married, and is quite possibly flirting with her best friend while knowing this.

Thats quite a player to me.

But of course, I may be wrong, and the man may be a latter day saint, and its just a coincidence he keeps exs on the back boiler and flirts with their friends...

chocoluvva Sun 09-Dec-12 20:25:23

I'd hate it. It would be weird.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 20:52:50

"has kept the OP in some way dangling enough to ensure she has feelings for him after 13 years and is married, and is quite possibly flirting with her best friend while knowing this."

Thats a huge amount of assumption.

Junebugjr Sun 09-Dec-12 20:58:08

From your OP, it suggests that it's not your friend going out with one of your ex's thats the problem. Its that it involves this particular man. I think it's understandable that you feel like this OP, I know I have one ex who I would feel a little like this about.

BUT, I think YABU if you were to put any restrictions on your friend or him. They would be doing nothing wrong if it did go further, and you would look like a nutter grin. You need to let it go. Fwiw I am with one of my friends ex partners, they had been finished a few years before we got together, I never thought to ask her 'permission', they were over, we were very happy together and still are 12 years and 2 kids on. Maybe your friend just assumes its over, it's been years, your not bothered. Don't let it affect the relationship you have with your friend.

welshinexile Sun 09-Dec-12 21:59:27

Wow, jesus, didnt expect so many responses! Um, feel a bit of a twat now! I am not a bunny boiler, childish or a shit friend/ wife! Just happen to have some feelings that I didnt expect or plan for for a man that has turned up in my life again. Didnt expect it to happen and certainly wouldnt shit on my husband. Nor would i tell anyone who to be with or what to do. My unexpected feelings have just made me feel weird at the thought of them together but I wouldnt get in anyones way or interfere in anyones life.

cumfy Sun 09-Dec-12 22:46:09

Sounds like deep down you have strong feelings for him.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 23:33:27

My advice is you are playing with fire and should cut contact with hi
.

MyCannyBairn Mon 10-Dec-12 03:05:08

It's not ideal, I'd be feeling unreasonably hacked off too.

NervousAt20 Mon 10-Dec-12 03:13:49

Normally I would say YANBU but 13 years is alot time it hasn't recently ended and you've been with your DP for 12 years and have 2 kids so I think YABU

It does sound like that by him reappearing has dug up old feelings but that will pass.

DoingItOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Mon 10-Dec-12 03:16:06

Tell her how you feel, I personally would not mess around with an ex of a friend if I thought it would upset with them. I mean there are several billion men to go around,

Wheresmypopcorn Mon 10-Dec-12 03:19:35

obviously you still have feelings for him. Why do you need him in your life?

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Mon 10-Dec-12 03:23:04

Welsh - you aren't a bunnyboiler/weird/childish/shit friend etc Several of us can see where you are coming from. If she really was a good friend she wouldn't even consider it - you just don't do you, especially if you know your friend is feeling weird about him anyway (I presume you had the sense to tell her that?! If not, you should.

badgeroncaffeine Mon 10-Dec-12 04:37:19

Definite bunny boiler tendencies. Not 13 days, weeks or even months after the relationship ended, but 13 YEARS.

Wow..just wow.

BadLad Mon 10-Dec-12 04:59:23

"*BoneyBackJefferson LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP’s first paragraph*

Yes. The ex is still single, still looking for a woman, has kept the OP in some way dangling enough to ensure she has feelings for him after 13 years and is married, and is quite possibly flirting with her best friend while knowing this.

Thats quite a player to me.

But of course, I may be wrong, and the man may be a latter day saint, and its just a coincidence he keeps exs on the back boiler and flirts with their friends... "

Even if by sheer coincidence you turn out to be correct, that is probably the most unreasonable assumption I have read on here. Here is the first paragraph again for you:

"
I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while."

Absolutely nothing to suggest he is looking for a woman or flirting with the best friend, and nothing other than the fact than they broke up amicably and kept in touch to suggest that he kept her dangling.

You also criticize him for still being single - are all unmarried people therefore players?

I like the way you convince yourself further as your post continues, going as far as to say he does keep exs on the back boiler and flirt with their friends.

Anyway, OP, you are being a bit unreasonable, although your feelings are understandable to anyone with some empathy.

JenaiMathis Mon 10-Dec-12 05:03:30

Good grief, what's with the bunny boiler calling? It's a dreadful expression, as misogynistic as the vile film from which it originates.

I can think of someone I last saw over twenty years ago who'd have a similar impact if he were to return and I'd hate it if a friend started seeing him. You can't just turn these feelings on and off; unless you're some kind of sociopath maybe. It's how you handle them that marks you out as a grown woman rather than a possessive adolescent.

I'm not sure you should talk to your friend about this now though. It would be awful if she reacted badly, or heaven forbid told your husband.

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