to give this to dd for Christmas?

(155 Posts)
We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 11:33:02

I had bought something for the kitchen, the company sent the wrong item, I was going to send it back (all agreed with company). Now I have discovered that someone has taken it out of it's packet, I don't think I can return it now. The place that I put it is one where I think it unlikely that anyone other than dd1 did it - she is nearly 8 but prone to fiddling with things which aren't hers. Ds couldn't get it and dd2 wouldn't be likely to do it, it is also right by where she sits. It costs about 5 pounds. It will not be her only present, but is it unreasonable to tell her that as it is because she opened it, it will now become hers and she might have less other things as a result?

SaintNiChaolas Sun 09-Dec-12 11:35:54

WHAT IS IT?

MissCellania Sun 09-Dec-12 11:36:56

Seems a bit OTT to me. She's just a curious kid. Is it of any use to her?

TanteRose Sun 09-Dec-12 11:38:10

Bit harsh.
I bet you can still return it

Yes, need to know what it is

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 11:39:52

Harsh.

BoyMeetsWorld Sun 09-Dec-12 11:40:24

Lol visions of poor child getting an egg timer or something for Christmas!

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Dec-12 11:43:08

It cost a fiver?? shock. What would you do if she dropped a cup or plate, sell her presents to replace it? What a complete over reaction.

BeaWheesht Sun 09-Dec-12 11:43:45

Lighten up yabu

nellyjelly Sun 09-Dec-12 11:44:00

Agree. Harsh.

Good Lord.
Lighten up, she's a child. And if she's naturally curious maybe you should have put it somewhere she couldn't get to it.

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 11:46:09

It costs a fiver, and you don't even know if it was her.

BigShinyBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 11:46:13

Seems completely OTT to me.
What is it?!
I think we all want to know now.

MerylStrop Sun 09-Dec-12 11:46:53

Bit cruel

I'd tell her she needs to do £5 of jobs round the house to pay for it

BonVoyageCharlieBrown Sun 09-Dec-12 11:53:24

You think it was her but don't actually know for certain.

Even if it was her, I agree with others, you are being OTT! It was a five pound item confused

Why not just try selling it on ebay or something? Yes,it is a bit annoying but you really are making a mountain out of a molehill!

wonderingsoul Sun 09-Dec-12 11:55:56

what is it? cant you just wrap it back up. long as it hasnt been used it should be fine.

i think you are being a bit ott really. you should have put it some where out of her reach, but i still think its just a kid thing. i woudlnt give it to her for her pressie.
just send it back

also what is it?

SantaFrontPaws Sun 09-Dec-12 11:57:49

Ahhh she is only 8! My friend dismantled her mums phone at that age to see how it worked - I suppose it's an age thing.

Is it something remotely useful? Did she say she did it? I would probably keep and use it anyway but give her a telling off for touching things that don't belong to her or things she doesn't know what they are (could be dangerous in the kitchen!).

Dinosaurhunter Sun 09-Dec-12 11:58:47

Words fail me ...

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 11:58:49

It is a purple 'mini scraper' I would use it in baking, so yes she could use it when she does baking with me. I already have sufficient scrapers or equivalent, and don't need one which cost 5 pounds. It was the company's original mistake, but it is not the first time she has fiddled with things which aren't hers. There was no need for her to open it as it was in see though plastic bag so she could clearly see it without opening the packaging. The packet is nowhere to be seen. She is out at the moment. I would talk to her about it first before wrapping it up for her, and it would be from us, not FC. Maybe it is a bit much to wrap it up for her and remind her on Christmas day, but I need some way of stopping her messing with other people's things. She has no SN to excuse it, she just seems to find it impossible not to fiddle with things she finds.

She is the same with food - if dd2 hasn't eaten something dd1 likes the look of, dd1 will try to munch it - Easter drives her crazy as dd2 will have a small amount of chocolate each day, whereas dd1 eats hers straight away and spends the next 2 weeks pestering dd2.

I guess also I am a bit annoyed as I thought I would like the original item as part of my Christmas present, now I'm not sure I can justify going and getting another one (have seen the correct item in a nearby shop - original company not sure that they still have it in stock).

Floralnomad Sun 09-Dec-12 12:00:13

TBH i think you need to reread your post because you sound really nasty , why don't you just ask her if she took it out of its packet?

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 12:00:41

Sounds like something that would happen here, pesky meddling kidswink. For the sake of a fiver I'd let it go tbh.

wonderingsoul Sun 09-Dec-12 12:01:25

find a different bag to put it in honestly.
i would give it to her just to teach her alesson on christmas day. unless your going to make a big deal of it it wont make any effect. and it would be cruel to make a standing point on christmas day over a five pound cutter.

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Dec-12 12:01:28

Oh, it's a mini scraper!!!! Why didn't you say, just what every kid wants to find in their stocking. hmm

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 12:01:49

Oh FFS all this over a sodding baking scraper?

Look I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'd just get over it. Have a quick word with her about it, then drop it. Keep the scraper if you like. Go buy the other item if you still want to.

Seriously overthinking this OP I'm afraid.

and this: I would talk to her about it first before wrapping it up for her, and it would be from us, not FC is just daft.

toomuch2young Sun 09-Dec-12 12:03:08

My very first biscuit
Very unseasonable op, children fiddle it's not like she's causing mayhem and being out of control.

You don't have to do it but it's not that harsh. So she gets one present less. In the scheme of things is it a huge deal? No. Presumably she'll have lots of other presents. £5 is a lot to some people, and it should seem like a lot to everyone IMHO.

OP doesn't sound "really nasty" in the slightest. Jesus christ.

Oh but don't wrap it up, that's just weird and could put a downer on the present opening.

BigShinyBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 12:04:39

I just can't see the point of wrapping it up for her sorry.

All seems abit weird to me.

confused

wonderingsoul Sun 09-Dec-12 12:04:48

wouldnt even

icovetthee Sun 09-Dec-12 12:06:39

I honestly can't get over how unreasonable and vindictive this post is coming across. Fine, tell her again but it's a fiver, not fifty quid. She's also 8 and you're her mother.

Just thoroughly unreasonable.

AngelGabrielWreakinHavoc Sun 09-Dec-12 12:06:49

How bizzare you would even think of that.

She is a child and children fiddle with stuff.

My ds opened a big pot of yoghurt the other day which belonged to me, I wasnt ready to open it yet, maybe I should have saved it and put it in his stocking confused

Yea do it and prove the point

Your DD will look back at this with fond memories and a misty eye at the kindness shown to her by her mummy that Christmas where she received a scraper

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 12:07:30

Five pounds is not an insignificant amount for us, we are not poor, but give up a lot so they can do things like ballet, piano, so there isn't loads left over at the end of the month. The original item (slotted fish spatula) is to replace the one which I have been using for years which is half melted. I don't need a fancy purple one, but thought it might be nice. My other Christmas presents are some wooden spoons and some scissors which are also broken. Plus dh will probably get a dress necklace or something.

Pantofino Sun 09-Dec-12 12:08:28

Complete overreaction I think. Ask her if she opened it and remind her not to meddle with stuff that is not hers. <<remembers time dd chopped my birthday money into small pieces with scissors....>>

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 12:08:29

This is just getting stranger...

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Dec-12 12:08:30

How would you feel, op, if whenever you accidentally broke something in the house your OH kept a running tally and deducted the value from whatever he intended to spend on your Christmas / Birthday presents?
Imagine the sinking feeling you'd get when the vacuum cleaner breathed it's last and you just knew what you'd be getting for Christmas that year?
She's 8.

kitbit Sun 09-Dec-12 12:09:17

She's 8, fgs just talk to her hmm

Totally unrelated to Xmas, and it would be very mean to make a point using her Xmas excitement and spoil Xmas gift giving.

Deal with it separately and don't be mean.

KellyMarieTunstall Sun 09-Dec-12 12:09:37

I would never have thought about giving the item as a present but i can see where you are coming from.

It is only £5 but its not about the money is it? It could have been any item ,costing £100s belonging to anyone and she would still meddle with it.

It is still early enough before Christmas to introduce the idea of this item replacing one of her real presents without causing major trauma.

Sometimes painful lessons have to be learned and she is old enough to start learning self control.

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Dec-12 12:10:06

Oh Dear God, ex posted. He already does shock

TidyDancer Sun 09-Dec-12 12:12:16

OMG what is wrong with you?! This is one of the weirdest posts I have ever seen.

You can't prove your DD opened a packet, and even if you could, in what realm would it be acceptable to connect this with Christmas?!

Just suck up the £5 loss and find another one to stop her from fiddling with stuff. IME, this is actually quite normal. Children do fiddle.

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 12:13:18

OP, I will send you £5 if it means you not making this effect your DD's christmas.

ShyWombat Sun 09-Dec-12 12:15:24

Isn't giving her something that she's messed about with potentially a bit risky? What if there was a gift for another child on the table and she quite fancied owning said item? All she has to do is unpack it, mess with it and suddenly it's hers...

TidyDancer Sun 09-Dec-12 12:15:45

What GhostShip said. I'll chip in.

BigShinyBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 12:18:40

Either my hangover is causing me to hallucinate or I am actually seeing what I'm reading...

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 12:19:03

Dh has just got back and decided I have a high temperature and sent me to bed, still feel really upset about it though, I haven't spoken to her about it, but she could see that I was upset. Dh says not to worry about it.

HyvaPaiva Sun 09-Dec-12 12:19:20

Sitting your DD down and explaining why it's important to respect others and their property is good. It seems weirdly passive aggressive to wrap a scraper as a gift. Just communicate with her to address her issues around 'fiddling' and pestering people. Wrapping up the 'problem' and gifting it makes no sense at all: when she tries to take her sister's easter eggs, would you gift her the chocolate too? No! It's both defeating the purpose and passive aggressive.

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 12:21:02

I don't understand confused You're cross dd fiddled with something, so the punishment is that she gets it for Christmas..? Um..confused

Aspiemum2 Sun 09-Dec-12 12:21:21

Christmas is 2 weeks away! If you want to punish her then do (I probably would) but she's 8, you can't punish her 2 weeks later - children just don't work like that.

I'm not sure what your Christmas presents have to do with it or why you're mentioning the sacrifices you make - totally irrelevant.

She's prone to fiddling with stuff that isn't hers, that's fine - totally age appropriate. You want to teach her not to, also fine - I would to. But there's no need to demonise her and make yourself a martyr

Very confused as to what you are hoping to gain?

BerryChristmas Sun 09-Dec-12 12:21:29

Why don't you all read the posts properly? OP's DD fiddles with lots of things that aren't hers, she pesters for Easter Eggs that aren't hers - OP wants to try and stop her.

Well I don't think you are overreacting at all. Ask her if she opened it, then wrap it up and tell her she's lost another present as a result.

Lesson, hopefully, learned.

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Dec-12 12:21:34

Ah, bunnies, if you're coming down with something it's easy to get things a bit out of proportion. Take it easy and Happy Christmas smile

TrinityRhino Sun 09-Dec-12 12:24:55

decided you have a high temo and sent you to bed hmm

hmm I think you must be feeling ill

chill out

BigShinyBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 12:25:07

Why couldn't you have talked to your DD the minute she got home, before you were 'sent to bed' if it is that important to you?
I totally understand you want her to realise that she can't go messing around with things that aren't hers but I do think your idea of wrapping it up is odd.
I've got a 10 and 8 year old DSs and if they touch anything that's not theirs I simply tell them hands off..it usually works.

Floralnomad Sun 09-Dec-12 12:26:05

berry surely the way you deal with that is just to tell her to stop doing it ! You don't need to drag Christmas into it . Added to which the OP hasn't even asked her daughter if she opened it yet she is just making an assumption. Maybe it was one of the other children just because they've never been known to fiddle with things before doesn't mean they never will.

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 12:28:10

Dh doesn't decide to replace things which have broken at Christmas etc - it's not him who has told me that I need to wait, we both know that sometimes we have to wait for things we want, it is not essential that I have one, but I would like one, and yes it was me who melted the original one, hence why I would like another one now. I don't need anyone's money, though thank you for the offer. Dh will talk to dd about not messing with things which aren't hers.

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 12:29:34

I can understand being cross about the fiddling. It's the wrapping it up as a present part that loses me.

On that basis I'm off to Tiffany's to have a fiddle with stuff that's not mine<hopeful> grin

ifancyashandy Sun 09-Dec-12 12:30:58

You're upset over an 8 yr old opening the packaging of a £5 spatula?

I think your DH is right - you need a long lie down.

squeakytoy Sun 09-Dec-12 12:31:07

Wow, you sound weird... and OTT.

Its a bloody spatula.. not a faberge egg!

teenybluemoon Sun 09-Dec-12 12:38:13

Am I the only one that senses a little bit of favoritism here towards the OP's DD2?....

NatashaBee Sun 09-Dec-12 12:39:24

She's 8 - if you're going to punish her, do it now, not in 2 weeks time when she won't even remember what she did.

Mutt Sun 09-Dec-12 12:40:29

Thsi is a complete wind up.

Unless you were a complete bitch, or a nutcase, you'd wouldn't even consider wrapping up a baking scraper (whatever the hell that is) and giving it to your daughter as a lesson on Christmas Day.

But what convinced me was you getting wooden spoons and a pair of scissors grin

Are you Mrs Cratchit?

You lot are seriously overreacting. Calling her a bitch? makes me wonder how you treat unreasonable people you actually know.

It's the principle of the thing. Who cares whether it's £100 or £5, the kid doesn't know anything except she wasn't supposed to touch it and yet she did. Her DD does this kind of thing all the time. Getting one less present because of it is not a drama.

valiumredhead Sun 09-Dec-12 12:51:44

It doesn't sound like you like her very much tbh sad

Hope it's because you are going down with something and are blowing things out of proportion.

McChristmasPants2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 12:54:57

Why can't you use this spatula.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sun 09-Dec-12 12:57:14

you have a temperature? and are 'upset'?? Is this because of the flaming spatula?? 'she knows I'm upset' ?! you haven't even determined whether she did it yet?! And yet you're planning your revenge, and making her feel guilty?

Talk to the kids fgs.

Then,forget it, and if anything is that important in future, put it out of reach.

bedmonster Sun 09-Dec-12 13:06:52

Dp will talk to dd why won't YOU talk to her?

3b1g Sun 09-Dec-12 13:10:58

If she did open it so that it can't be returned, then I certainly think that some of the consequence should fall on her shoulders.
However, I would go about this by making her lose part of her pocket money, doing some extra jobs or going without a small treat. Whatever it is, do it soon, before she loses the association with the misdemeanour and the consequence.
I am one of the strictest parents around when it comes to expecting my children to take responsibility for their actions, but I think that giving her the item for Christmas would be a little extreme and could become more about making you feel vindicated than about modifying her behaviour.

teenybluemoon Sun 09-Dec-12 13:11:52

What ever happened to innocent into proven guilty? You haven't even spoken to her or found any proof that even links her to the 'crime', and you're already planning your revenge? On an 8 year old, none the less.

3b1g Sun 09-Dec-12 13:15:59

OP, reading your other comments, it seems as though one of the things that's bothering you is that your DD1 has a bit of trouble with impulse control. Learning delayed gratification does take some children longer than others. Perhaps you can encourage her by praising her when she does manage to wait or remembers to save something for later.

It sounds like she's trying to educate her kid. Which would indicate that she does like her, very much so.

It's not "revenge", it's trying to teach her child something hmm all the aggressive replies on this thread prove much more about the people who wrote them rather than helping the OP.

LoopsInHoops Sun 09-Dec-12 13:20:36

Issues.

MrsDeVere Sun 09-Dec-12 13:28:01

Sad.
Very sad.

ll31 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:29:36

hope all of this was to do with your temp. and not a real image of who you are... she's 8, it was purple, pretty maybe.. does it matter really? If you left it where she could get it why wouldn't she- it is her house too... hope you're feeling better.

by the way I'd also reconsider what sounds like her being blamed first as a matter of course

yummumto3girls Sun 09-Dec-12 13:46:25

Also agree you are being way too precious about this, it's £5. Talk to her (YOU not DH as you are so upset about it) and end of. Also can't believe that DH has decided you have a temperature and sent you to bed, how old are you?? Are you not able to decide if you feel unwell? Perhaps a lie down might make you see sense.

riskit4abiskit Sun 09-Dec-12 13:46:25

Your poor child!
This is the strangest thing I have ever read here and I'm wondering if its a wind up.

If its not, please reread all the responses here and please see your response is disproportionate. Its surely your fault for leaving something attractive looking out and unless I'm mistaken it doesn't sound like you told anyone NOT to touch it. It's abit like if I left a dog and a cooked chicken.in close proximity!

Anyways, in our house all kitchen based implements are communally owned and can be fiddled about by anyone. Your daughter would be more to blame if it was a teddy, iPod or something more obviously belonging to someone. As said further up thread kids fiddle, its not the end of the world!

MordecaiAndTheRigbys Sun 09-Dec-12 14:10:30

If you want to teach her not to do this that's fine. But please do not use Christmas morning to make your point. It is horrible, nasty and vindictive. Www heart is breaking for the poor child who will be so excited Christmas morning, only to feel the horrible disappointment and sadness when she opens her present. And she will remember that even if you get her 50 other presents. All to make a point.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 09-Dec-12 14:27:21

Poor DD, automatically gets the blame and gets taught a lesson on xmas morning. Do you deduct a present every time any of them do something wrong?

Given you burnt the old one, would your husband have punished you by buying you another instead of a real christmas present?

Teaching children right from wrong is what we do but to drag it out and bring christmas into it over a £5 item is just mean. If money is that tight then give up the dance lessons which are a luxury.

OxfordBags Sun 09-Dec-12 14:55:45

The Distance Selling Act means that you can return goods that have been opened, tried on, whatever, if they have been sent to you, ie not bought in person. If your DD has just had a look at it and it is perfectly fine apart from having been unpackaged and touched then you can send it back. If it's manky now then...

But whichever the situation, YABU. She is a CHILD and it's a fiver (and I say that as someone skint). If you know you have a child who is a fiddler, keep things like that out of their reach!

Alarielle Sun 09-Dec-12 15:06:09

your dh comes home and tells you that you have a high temp and sends you to bed. what are you a child?

MulledTurkey Sun 09-Dec-12 15:12:00

If I wrapped up and gave my dd's all the things they shouldn't have broken, fiddled with, opened- for Xmas,they would have a pile of random assorted stuff!
Just speak to her and ask her not to do it again. If indeed it was her.

usualsocksprezzie Sun 09-Dec-12 15:12:40

I think your high temperature has sent you a bit delirious

Startail Sun 09-Dec-12 15:20:26

OP I feel your pain.

DD1 has spent the last 14.5 years fiddling.
Ever since she learnt to roll over and get in the TV wires she has been fiddling with things that aren't hers.

I would be very tempted. I don't think I'd have been that mean when she was 8, but by the time she was 11, I might have.

The only consolation I can give you is that from around 12 she has got a lot better and I now dare let her go in a shop on her own without dreading her messing with absolutely everything, including things balanced precariously on the till and not for sale.

bakingaddict Sun 09-Dec-12 15:26:16

Fuck me have I just stumbled into some parallel universe where it's Victorian England circa 1890 and people are getting spoons and scissors for Christmas and kids baking utensils.

It will take a lot lot more than £5 to sort out your DD's therapy in later years if you persist in doing this

ChristmasIsAcumenin Sun 09-Dec-12 15:37:34

Do not give presents as punishments. They are separate things. This is how lifelong neuroses are formed!

fuzzpig Sun 09-Dec-12 15:39:11

Please don't wrap it up for her. It's mean.

By all means tell her off and think of some punishment (I think somebody mentioned giving her extra chores to 'work off' the expense?) because she does need to try not to fiddle with stuff. But don't use Xmas to teach a lesson FFS especially when it is more than 2 weeks after the 'crime'.

<mops OP's fevered brow>

comfyclothes Sun 09-Dec-12 15:41:17

oh my, words fail me also. Is this a joke?

For £5.00 I would let it go. I really feel for your child.

FlorIxora Sun 09-Dec-12 15:44:19

I don't understand your need to humiliate her on Christmas Day of all days.

You should not give her the spatula at all, try and return it. If you give her the spatula she will learn that she just has to "fiddle" with things for them to become her property.

I think your proposed punishment is completely inappropriate and would ruin Christmas for her and probably make her feel inadequate.

She could help you clean out the cupboard she found the item in, if you can actually prove/know it's her. It seems odd that you are so convinced she is at fault.

PrincessScrumpy Sun 09-Dec-12 15:53:50

So you are teaching her that if she wants something she just has to fiddle with it and then she gets it?! I don't think this will achieve what you want it to achieve.

You also don't know it was her and if it was, by Christmas she won't even remember.

If it's a continued behaviour issue you need to deal with it, but not like this.

Mumofthreeteens Sun 09-Dec-12 16:44:52

This has to be a wind up. If not.....
You need to learn to put things well out of reach if you have a curious fiddler in the house. My ds18 will still pinch sweets not belonging to him if he sniffs them out! He has also pinched my knitted hat and we have over a metre of snow here at home....
I feel very sorry for your dd if she really does have such a vindictive mother. She maybe your eldest but believe me at 8 years old she is still very little. Talk to her now, find out the truth and deal with it immediately and do not leave it until Christmas.

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 17:11:35

I'm not vindictive, still a bit feverish, and when I say 'sent to bed' I meant that he was taking over lunch, children etc, as he doesn't want me to be ill.

We have asked them all, calmly obviously, they have all denied, I explained why I was upset, dd1 has been acting guilty, but we are letting it lie. I have no proof, I thought she might own up, ds couldn't reach it, and it is just something dd2 would never do (she has her own other quirks), and it is exactly the sort of thing dd1 would do.

I will try to return it, thanks Oxford it is still unused. Hopefully it will be ok. I think it is more the principal of her constantly fiddling, even when we ask her not to which is annoying us, this is just the latest thing.

She does seem to almost be incapable of not fiddling with something, even over lunch she three times had to be told not to fiddle with stuff, when her 3 + 5 yr old siblings manage to get through meals without it. I hope like Startall 's dd she grows out of it. I can totally sympathise with the shop thing, thank goodness for online shopping.

I do try to hide things, but I honestly didn't think that a spatula in a bag would have that much appeal to an 8yr old!

MrsDeVere Sun 09-Dec-12 17:17:26

My eldest boy is like this. He is nearly 19 and he hasn't grown out of it.
He cannot pass a toy without pressing a button hmm

Get her some fiddle toys to occupy her. Squoosh balls and worry beads.
Explain to her that you understand that she finds it hard not to touch, acknowledge her issue and give her an alternative.

I felt sad reading early because I was somewhere today that reminded me how unimportant these things really are.
But I know it is frustrating for you

TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 09-Dec-12 17:46:19

I have an 8 year old DS and I am shock at this!

OP is it really worth upsetting your DD on Christmas Day for the sake of a £5 spatula?

I certainly don't!

MissPants Sun 09-Dec-12 17:51:36

Tbh I'm more concerned that you made it clear to her you are upset and instead of explaining why just left her to wonder what she had done until you saw fit to accuse her.

I used to play that game with DH when I was 15, it's called "guess why I'm pissed off this time, I'll give you a clue, it's your fault" thankfully I grew out of that before I was 18 hmm

Not something I would do to any of my children.

HildaOgden Sun 09-Dec-12 17:59:23

Sort that temperature....you most definitely need to chill out.

MerryMarigold Sun 09-Dec-12 18:01:17

MissPants. I don't think the OP accused her. She said she talked to all of them and no-one is confessing, so they are letting it lie, but she believes it is dd1.

Stop being so horrible to someone with a temperature! And saying her kid's gonna end up in therapy. Purlease. There's a lot of totally entitled kids who are going to be spending ££££'s on therapy because their parents never taught them they are not the centre of the universe, and doing wrong things will have a consequence.

apostrophethesnowman Sun 09-Dec-12 18:04:50

Your OP makes you sound petty, cruel and vindictive. You sound like you're picking on your child. You've blamed her for something that you have no proof that she did, even after she denied it. Poor child.

I seriously hope that it's you being not well that makes you come across this way. You do need to get things into perspective.

All that grief for £5. Beggars belief actaully.

laptopdancer Sun 09-Dec-12 18:08:01

I don't understand why you would save the punishment up for 3 weeks that way. For any sort of lesson, it has to be addressed near the "point of sale" so to speak. Can't you just take £5 from her if she has savings/pocket money or whatever or say she can't do/have something more immediate?

Saving it up for Christmas seems a bit "Mommie Dearest" to me

PurpleRayne Sun 09-Dec-12 18:21:49

Mean-spirited.

HildaOgden Sun 09-Dec-12 18:22:45

'Saving it up for Christmas seems a bit "Mommie Dearest" to me'

I'm glad you said that laptopdancer,I knew this reminded me of something.That's it exactly.

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Sun 09-Dec-12 18:24:53

I have not singled her out in accusing her - it wasn't me or dh, no one else has been here since, no pets so unless it was a cheeky elf it must have been one of them. We asked them to confess, no one has, but she has since then been in a grumpy mood, which is how she acts when she has done something wrong. I explained to all of them why I was upset that someone had fiddled with something which wasn't theirs. I really don't think that is unreasonable, they do need to learn not to mess with things which aren't theirs. They need to know the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

I asked for some opinions, which were useful, and took some medicine, which also helped. I will look into some things to occupy her hands more - she often plays the piano, but can't do that all day. She is fine when she has something to focus on, but I can't occupy her every minute of the day and she needs to find some solutions for other times. Off to have an early night once the dc are in bed.

I'm sorry for whatever you are going through MrsDeVere I hope you find some peace tonight.

FierySmaug Sun 09-Dec-12 18:28:01

Sorry, but you sound a bit mad. Your poor DD.
I have an 8 year old DD and couldn't imagine making such a huge issue of something so minor.

fluffiphlox Sun 09-Dec-12 18:35:18

What a funny family...(as indeed all families are, of course)

WitchCrafter Sun 09-Dec-12 18:40:01

I think you have money issues which is making you oversensitive.
Dd is inquisitive and its a quirk of hers- albeit one that bugs you. She must sense how annoyed you are so get the refund, have a chat with her and tell her you're sorry you are cross, and you'd like to have a fresh start.

MerryChristmasEverybody Sun 09-Dec-12 18:45:03

Wait a second, hold on hold on. If the COMPANY sent the wrong thing then it's up to them to send the correct item. They shouldn't expect you to send the wrong thing back to them first.

WitchCrafter Sun 09-Dec-12 18:51:20

OP will get refund as wrong item was sent. It is dd that is being discussed- methinks.

BarceyDussell Sun 09-Dec-12 18:54:04

Bloody hell.

At that age, in the run up to christmas my teacher mum used to receive tons of boxes of quality street and the likefrom her pupils.

I used to open the boxes from the bottom, pinch some sweets then glue the bottom of the box back together.

My mum got so many of them she used to re-gift them, not always realising they were half empty blush

Id love to know what you would have done to me!

ll31 Sun 09-Dec-12 19:13:17

So you lined them up and asked them to confess. .. and they didn't... but you know it's her cos she was grumpy ... I'd be grumpy living in your house to tbh. .. agree with mrs dev its annoying, I know, but Not really bad. .

spoonsspoonsspoons Sun 09-Dec-12 19:13:30

"My mum got so many of them she used to re-gift them, not always realising they were half empty"

Suddenly those 'what's the worst Christmas present you ever received' threads start to make sense grin

fuzzpig Sun 09-Dec-12 19:14:46

Barcey that is GENIUS!

Pantofino Sun 09-Dec-12 19:17:03

Barcey grin

StinkyWicket Sun 09-Dec-12 19:19:28

My DSS is very like this. Fiddles with something then tells me it's broken hmm like I didn't just see him pull the loose bit off.

It is annoying, but I don't tally them up. I would explain to her again, and tell her that next time, she will lose a privilege or something. Don't just spring it on her now, although I totally understand why you would want to.

Pantofino Sun 09-Dec-12 19:22:05

As I alluded to earlier. My nan sent me £20 for my birthday. It was on the side. Dd got some scissors and chopped it in to little pieces. She was about 5 at the time. To her it was just paper. I never punished her - though I might have shouted a bit, and learnt the lesson that if it is precious you put it out of the way.

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 19:22:12

Wait a second, hold on hold on. If the COMPANY sent the wrong thing then it's up to them to send the correct item. They shouldn't expect you to send the wrong thing back to them first

The company I work for do. It ensures we actually get our product back. Postage is always refunded of course.

Pandemoniaa Sun 09-Dec-12 19:29:00

You don't break the habits of a "fiddly" child by using Christmas as a rather cruel opportunity to teach them the error of their ways. Ds2 was another child who had to touch/explore/experiment with everything. But I'd never have waited 2 weeks to present him with the consequences of his actions either. Let alone choose Christmas to do so.

There's nothing wrong in expecting an 8 year old to try and curb their lack of impulse control but there's a time and a place. This isn't either.

MollyMurphy Sun 09-Dec-12 19:29:33

hmm...I had a mum who would over-react to such a thing as fiddling with this and that, minor accidents etc. I resent her pettiness to this day. Your child might not recall the stupid spatula thing down the years but she'll remember how you made her feel about meaningless nothing's if this OTT thing is an on running issue.

NumericalMum Sun 09-Dec-12 19:34:32

I would feel humiliated if I was the child. On Christmas Day. Lovely.

WitchCrafter Sun 09-Dec-12 19:37:30

Xmas is a magical time for kids. DO NOT ruin her chidhood.

WitchCrafter Sun 09-Dec-12 19:38:30

Please let her have a sleepover at mine over Xmas if its too much trouble

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 09-Dec-12 19:54:49

I hope you feel better soon why don't you get a few books from the library on positive parenting you may find them helpful

KitchenandJumble Sun 09-Dec-12 20:03:56

Please do not use this incident to punish your DD on Xmas Day. Really, please do not do that. She may be "guilty" of this crime. Or she may not be. It could have been one of the other children. It would be wrong to single her out in this way (even if she is to blame, and you don't even know that) and cruel to use a lovely holiday like Xmas which should be a magical time for a 7-year-old.

Remind all the children to keep their hands off things that don't belong to them. Give your DD something to fiddle with. And forget about it. It's not worth all this over-thinking and fury.

Try to see it from her POV. You really don't want her looking back on her childhood and thinking, "I could never do anything right. My mother made such an issue out of a cheap kitchen tool. I had innocently played with it [or worse: my sister was the one who played with it but I was blamed for it] and my mother was furious about it for weeks. On Xmas morning, when I thought it would be forgotten, she actually wrapped up the scraper as though it were a gift. I was humiliated and hurt and didn't know what I had done that was so wrong."

PearlyWhites Mon 10-Dec-12 07:41:32

Is this a joke ? If not yabvu she is a child and it cost a fiver, regardless of cost is cruel to deduct Xmas presents

givemeaclue Mon 10-Dec-12 09:53:32

A pack of wooden spoons is £1 in poundland.

Please don't give yourself wooden spoons for Christmas, just buy a pack.

givemeaclue Mon 10-Dec-12 09:55:56

I don't understand about the melted fish slice?

Floggingmolly Mon 10-Dec-12 10:11:15

It was op's fault it melted, therefore she can only have a replacement as one of her Christmas presents apparently. It's family wide sad. Time it bloody stopped now, though.

imaginethat Mon 10-Dec-12 10:15:49

No no no... it's just wrong to mix punishment with Christmas.

Christmas is about loving and giving, not punishment.

givemeaclue Mon 10-Dec-12 10:37:58

Op, are you in an abusive relationship? Do you need help?

YouCanBe Mon 10-Dec-12 11:48:38

You seem to want to be cruel to your daughter to change something about her that irritates you. I don't think cruelty is a great parenting tool to employ.

1.
You don't know whether she even did it.

2.
Why is it such a crime for a child to open a new scraper in the kitchen of her own home if she was interested to see it? How would anyone else know you planned to return it?

3.
The idea to partially spoil her Christmas as part of the punishment is plain nasty. Why would you want to take away something special for a child, something that should be a happy time for her, over a poxy £5 kitchen item misunderstanding a fortnight earlier?

It's not fucking cruelty.
Do you know what actual cruelty is?
Doesn't seem like you do.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 10-Dec-12 12:59:03

I'm fiddly. I'm not a child. I'm 22.

I was hit for fiddling at home. Then humiliated. I quickly learnt to keep my hands to myself, and never ask for anything. I started biting my nails, right down to the bottom. My fingers would bleed and bleed but it'd stop me touching anything.

I had that habit for years. I went through phases of plaiting my hair, playing with my belt, flipping my phone case.

Now I fiddle with things I'm wearing. My necklace, my bracelets. It's very much an anxiety response in me, and no amount of therapy has helped yet. Sometimes I know I'm doing it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it drives people mad.

My point is, you won't stop her from fiddling through telling her off, or punishments. She didn't steal it, she just touched it. Try giving her other things to touch. It'll make life a lot less stressful for all of you.

TeaJunky Mon 10-Dec-12 13:25:11

Jesus. You sound awful.

Your poor dd. sad

valiumredhead Mon 10-Dec-12 13:31:36

Fast forward to when she has left home, do you think any of this really matters?

Kids fiddle. Sometimes they fiddle with stuff they shouldn't. That's what kids do.

This is not something she needs to learn a lesson over.

It's worth a fiver ffs - honestly! You haven't even tried to send it back yet!

Move anything precious out of the way and tell the children it is OUT OF BOUNDS. Then if they fiddle that's the time to go off the deep end.

Save punishments for things that matter and don't use Chistmas as a way of punishment unless you want to store up a lifetime of resentment.

MrsDeVere Mon 10-Dec-12 13:39:06

I know the OP's response has been OTT but I do sympathise.

As well as the fiddler King (DS1) I have 3 other boys. DS2 has ASD and I have to literally lock things away and the little ones tend to copy him.

I cannot leave anything lying about and DS2 is physically very able to can get in to most places. Last night he broke my beloved camera.

The younger ones are beginning to learn the rules but I doubt DS2 ever will and it is very, very wearing.

I have been left close to tears many times because one of them has broken or lost something I value.

Perhaps this reaction is due to a accumulation of things rather than just Spatulagate.

Seriously, this sort of behaviour is enough to drive you to the brink.

TeaJunky Mon 10-Dec-12 13:40:17

Just remembered something.

Once I came home from university to find dd happily playing with my 24 carot (asian gold) anklet, (alongside other toy necklaces and toy bits in a bag) which was a wedding present from my sister in law.

It was squashed badly out of shape and most of the stones had fallen out. I had left it on the coffee table the night before.

It was my fault.

When she wasn't looking, I took it and hid it.

DH got a telling off for not being attentive.

We all had dinner and forgot about it.

valiumredhead Mon 10-Dec-12 13:41:42

Oh I know mrs D but to wrap it up for Christmas is just horrible imo and completely unnecessary.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 10-Dec-12 13:43:30

I get that it would be annoying, but I worry you seem to want to 'stamp out' her natural fiddliness which can only end in an upset child sad

I had a mother who took everything very personally & was very cruel with punishments, never letting anything go, making me feel humiliated & constantly wrong footed. She over stretched her finances doing different classes for us & I was always supposed to be grateful about it, & any breakages or accidents were met with unsuppressed fury as they were so over stretched financially I guess they were terrible.

I spent years in a constant state of anxiety & have an incredibly bad relationship with her now.

I've got no idea about your situation but I'd hate to think of you inadvertently setting up the same dynamic.

MrsDeVere Mon 10-Dec-12 13:55:31

Yes valium it is but I can understand the frustration. It is not something I would do (but I might think it)
My DS2 will still get all his presents even though he broke my camera. Because like double says he is naturally fiddly and he really cannot control his impulses in the way you would expect a 9 year old to.

Apart from anything else a punishment two weeks down the line will not work for any child.

It does upset me a lot though. I am really not precious but I keep my things for years. I feel under siege sometimes.

I have noticed some improvement in the 2 and 4 year old so there is hope smile

GhostShip Tue 11-Dec-12 07:54:02

^It's not fucking cruelty.
Do you know what actual cruelty is?
Doesn't seem like you do^

Cruelty comes in different forms. This is cruel.

Floralnomad Tue 11-Dec-12 15:14:50

I think the way it's been presented here by the OP it could be seen as a kind of emotional abuse.

nannyl Tue 11-Dec-12 15:36:09

if you thought you might want it for christmas why dont YOU just have it

seems a massive over reaction to make a big issue about it, especially on Christmas day

I suggest you dont leave things lieing around in future

Cruelty involves a total lack of empathy or the absence of any sort of positive or warm emotion towards the victim.....OP's daughter is not a victim and the OP is clearly not doing this for herself, more for her daughter's education. I did say upthread it's not good idea at all. But when people start flinging around words like "cruel" (and putting them in bold to make an impact- jeez) I just wonder- when do words just become words, instead of really having meaning. Also when the OP is looking for opinions and isn't sure about what to do, very very harsh criticism like this is totally undeserved.

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss Tue 11-Dec-12 18:31:06

I've hot 3 dc with ASD and I never find anything where I put it, things get lost, broken and wasted and it drives me potty. Sometimes it builds up and I overreact, so I understand where OP is coming from.

I think if the spatula is unreturnable, she should get extra chores to pay it off, explain calmly and clearly why.

The Christmas thing I think is (unintentionally) cruel.

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss Tue 11-Dec-12 18:34:52

I still shudder when I think of the day I'd had a load of Avon stuff arrive, it was the first "nice" stuff I'd bought myself in years (bubble baths, lotions, face cream, shampoo, conditioner etc), and I caught dd2 emptying the very last bottle down the sink, watching it glug down in fascination.

I had to bite my lip and go and hide in the bedroom for a long time before the red mist cleared grin

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss Tue 11-Dec-12 18:35:37

* I say "nice" but I'm normally a supermarkets own kind of person grin

YouCanBe Tue 11-Dec-12 18:53:59

Hmm, quirrel, I do still think the plan was cruel, to give the item for Christmas.
It isn't on a par with, er, Pinochet or anything. I wasn't suggesting it was.

But, still a bit cruel, and unnecessary.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Tue 11-Dec-12 20:24:45

I nearly didn't comment on this thread as it is a complete over reaction to a spatula that was in a bag and now isn't.
But seeing the title again about giving it to your daughter for Christmas...^really^, are you serious? You would do it to teach her a lesson two weeks after the event and create a scene on Christmas Day - words absolutely fail me. Your poor DD.

SarahStratton Tue 11-Dec-12 20:55:30

Weird thread.

Really, really weird thread.

Do people really and truly do this sort of thing?

confused

Mimstar Tue 11-Dec-12 21:12:12

sad

Poor kid. Please don't wrap it up for christmas, the thought of a little girl all excited to open a present on christmas morning and then realising it was a punishment is so sad sad please don't.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Tue 11-Dec-12 22:17:09

If you can't return it how about she does some jobs to make up the 5 pounds cost.

pingu2209 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:18:36

Do you have PMT

Oh Mimstar when you put it like that.
Tugs at your heartstrings.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Wed 12-Dec-12 00:01:00

OP I think our Dd's were separated at birth! Mine is nearly 8 (new year) and I'm ready to do something like you suggest in the first post. But after thinking about it I don't think she would really understand it. I know my Dd is full of good intentions and still she fiddles, she pulls and presses and breaks things, and opens things that aren't hers and is a general meddler, it's like she intentionally breaks them, then gets upset it's broken <head banging Mum icon here>

LucieMay Wed 12-Dec-12 00:39:45

Jesus Christ talk about milking it! Why prolong her punishment over weeks? There is an oddly cruel element to such a premeditated punishment. Can't you just get her some sort of gadget or fiddle toy to keep her hands occupied? I have one for when I quit smoking. Just let it go already and move on. If ds broke something of that value I would tell him off there and then and just let it go. I wouldn't spend weeks mulling it over and then surprise a punishment on him a few weeks down the line!

StuntGirl Wed 12-Dec-12 07:35:59

What a total over reaction...from other posters!

I agree giving it to her on Christmas Day isn't a good idea, punishments need to be given close to the time of the incident. Even an 8 year old will struggle to compute this incident and a random Christmas present 2 weeks later.

If the company doesn't take it back and if she admits it was her I would however make her pay for the item, either by docking pocket money or getting her to do extra chores. And it would go alongside a(nother) talk about respecting other people's property. And perhaps looking into something to distract her attention from constant fiddling.

But it's hardly fucking abusive to want your children not to touch things that aren't theirs hmm

Floggingmolly Wed 12-Dec-12 09:11:47

No, Stuntgirl, but it's fairly mean minded to consider wrapping the broken item in fancy wrapping paper, and letting the child unwrap her 'present' on Christmas morning.

Rollmops Wed 12-Dec-12 09:51:28

OP you are truly over reacting. Get a grip and stop being so mean.

Floralnomad Wed 12-Dec-12 10:18:37

Stuntgirl I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't deal with the touching stuff that isn't hers issue ,its the way it's being dealt with and the way that the OP is behaving towards the child when there is actually no proof she touched it.

Op can I just add, my cousin was raised in a home where "it wasn't something dd2 would do" dd2 actually did loads and she took the blame.

She would then act grumpy because she was the family scapegoat.

She grew up hating her younger two siblings and they have no relationship.

My dd fiddles, she has been spoken to, she's done iagain and broke a necklace.

I was cross and spoke to her but I wouldn't dream of wrapping it up on Christmas day and making her feel guilty for something that happened 3 weeks before!

That's ott and awful.

How would you feel if you made her feel upset on Christmas day and she had not done it.

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