To be jealous...(54 Posts)
Ok so I kinda know I'm BU and very very selfish, but this is my first post so don't flame me too badly!
Me and DH really want to start ttc but for various (sensible) reasons we've decided to hold off for about a year. I'm bored of being sensible!! We're still fairly young (late 20's) but have been together for the best part of 10 years, and we've always had sensible ideas that we'd wait until we were financially stable, in a suitable home, enjoy grown up holidays whilst we can etc etc.
Originally we were going to start this year, pretty much now, but have now decided to postpone (again) until this time next year due to plans for a big family holiday to Australia (lots of saving, very expensive etc) and I was getting used to this, and trying to control my baby fever (which is sky high right now!) when it's announced that BIL has accidentally "knocked up" the girl he was seeing! I feel like I could cry!! I obviously wouldn't say anything out loud and I am happy for him, but at the same time I'm really selfishly jealous!
We've tried so hard to be careful over the years, and to ttc when it would be right rather than because we just want to and I feel like BIL is getting what I want without trying! I would never say this to anyone in RL as I know how hurt I would be if anyone felt like this about me, so I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
I'm trying to remember there is a lot more terrible things going on in the world and I'm being a selfish cow because this is clearly not a big problem in comparison, so please feel free to tell me to get a grip
Think you should come off contraception now and just get going. Life's too short for all this fucking about.
This probably doesn't help but I don't think a holiday is a reason not to ttc. There will always be something going on!
If you want a baby why let a holiday stop you. Im sure Australia is great but it will still be there when you are older and your kids are old enough to go too.
I think you need to just get on with it. With dh's consent as well of course. Unless there are other reasons?? Life is too short and the pp is right... There will be other reasons why next year may not be right. Lots of things happening all the time!
What if someone wants you to be a bridesmaid? Or you get promoted and need to work more hours? Or...?
There won't ever be a right time.
Me and DH have very recently realised this and despite being a bit on the skint side have just decided to get cracking. Scary but feels amazing (in more ways than one ..... baboom Ching!)
At least get ready.... Folic acid, come off any hormonal contraceptive and use condoms until you get your cycle back, gut the house, etc!
I have friends who waited for ten years, bought the house, got married, saved money etc etc then couldn't get pregnant.
Five years later they are still TTC. I know they wished they hadn't waited as their options are now limited because of local guidelines re fertility treatment and age.
So, get cracking.
< disclaimer: I am also waiting to TTC for similar reasons! Easy to give advice though isn't it? Not so easy to just do it >
What everyone else said. there is never, ever a "right" time. Just get on with it, love. I mean that with kindness and vehemenence x
Theres bever a right time. Every year you will be able to think of one more thing to do before starting to conceive. Just get on with it, you may still be trying this time next year anyway.
*never not bever!
Surely if its 'baby or holiday' and you are as desperate to have a baby as you say, you would be better choosing the baby.
You may be bored of being sensible, but after trying to ttc for our second dc 2 years we booked a holiday.
Then I got pregnant and we had to cancel as he was due 4 days after we should have flown. He ended up being born on the day we should have flown.
A if you want to ttc, a holiday shouldn't stop you.
I upset someone at work with this advice. But I stand by it: if both of you want children, just get on with it. Fertility is such an unknown, you really can't expect to have the luxury of scheduling in a pregnancy exactly when it suits you. You may be lucky, and be able to conceive immediately and have a normal, healthy pregnancy. But there are so many unknowns in there, and declining fertility once you get into your 30s, that I believe very strongly that the earlier you start the better.
I'm with all the others, there will always be something else you can spend the money on.
There is never a perfect time.
If you both really want a baby a holiday is no reason to stop you.
I'm with everyone else, life and fertility is too short, if you want a baby......get cracking
Really, there is never a right time to have a baby. If my DH and I had planned things, we'd still be childless now.
Babies aren't really that expensive. You can buy cheap cots these days, cheap supermarket nappies that are better than pampers (ime), cheap clothes thanks to various sales and asda. If you breast feed that's free food for the baby for about 6-9 months. Pushchairs and carseats can be bought in sales too.
Then think of all the gifts that people will buy you. Your family may offer to buy the pushchair or cot. Mine did. You'll have a massive pile of clothes that you will get as gifts. You can exchange the extra clothes for bigger sizes so you'll have his/her wardrobe sorted for a year at least. I had DS last January and he's just run out of clothes we were given at birth. I'm waiting for Christmas sales to buy his wardrobe for the next year.
Just do it!
Get on with it! Sounds like you are in as good a position to have a baby as it gets, there is never a perfect time.
My DH and his ex went on holiday to Australia when DSD was just 3 months old. Having a baby doesnt have to stop you doing anything as long as you plan right.
YANBU to feel a little jealous but I agree with the others posters, there is never a perfect time to try and not everyone gets pregnant straight away.
I think you should just start trying now, it sounds like you are already in a great position to just do it!
I think it's fair enough to wait until you have a bit of money and stability (although tbh we had little of either when I got pregnant!) But to delay for the sake of a holiday -- obviously that's totally fine if you both agree, but it's totally valid for you to feel differently.
I don't think you will really enjoy the holiday knowing it's the reason for delaying TTC.
What would happen if you told your DH you wanted to start TTC now instead of going on holiday?
I wonder if jealousy is the right word for what you feel? Perhaps it's more displaced anger/frustration with your DH, that you don't feel you can express.
Your feelings sound pretty natral, so dont beat yourself up.
I agree with everyone else, though. Putting off TTC for a holiday a year away is madness. Is it genuinely a joint decision to delay TTC? It doesnt sound like it....sounds like your DP is the one calling the shots, possibly?
There is never a right time to try IME.
There always seems to be room for a wee one though, if the unexpected happens.
Fingers crossed, thati t turns out well for you x
If it's a once if a lifetime kind of holiday then I think it's perfectly sensible to delay ttc. At least it would be to me.
Get cracking OP! (With DH agreement of course).
And I understand about the jealousy. I'm the oldest cousin in my family and the only one married etc. I was in the early days of PG when my cousin announced that he and his GF (of 6 months!) were PG and due a month before me. I was jealous that they would get all the attention of having first baby etc. As it turns out, me and the GF get on like a house in fire and exchange baby tips all the time.
It will work out with BIL and GF one way or another. But get cracking on TTC!!
Just hurry up as as soon as these problems are dealt with you will be facing another set of obstacles. In short- no such thing as the right time. ESP as you're married and have been together nearly ten years!!! Also it's easy going on holiday when preg or with a tiny infant. Good luck!!
I waited for DS. We were married, we both had good jobs, we had a house. We were all prepared. Then DS was born. There were major complications. He was premature, I took another year of surgery for me to be 'fixed', DS was deaf and had lots of problems, the stress made DH ill, he lost his job, we had to move in with the in-laws. My marriage crumbled under the strain. We got divorced.
Move on 5 years. I am living on my own with DS. I meet someone and accidentally get pregnant within 6 months. On paper, a complete disaster. In reality, I have a one year old daughter with a brilliant man and am as happy as can be.
The moral: you can't plan everything. Sometimes the things that happen accidentally are the best things - and the things we plan, not so good.
Have a baby!
Do it! Ttc I mean. I had an implant in. Decided this jan that we wanted to ttc but took a further 5 months before I could get my implant out. (followed medical advice re rubella. Had to have mmr jab and wait for blood tests etc)
It being the first time either of us would try for a baby we had no idea how long it would take And other relatives had taken one year so far (still trying) and 3 years to conceive.
I was prepared for the wait. We were going use the time to save some money. It took us two weeks of trying to get pregnant. A lot sooner than we were expecting and without any money saved. But, we will cope. You always do apparently!
It could take you two weeks, it could take you two years. No one knows. There will never be a perfect time. There will always be that holiday you want or that new car or the threat of job cuts etc etc etc.
Aw, life that is a sweet story, glad you have a happy ending
Actually in thinking about what samandi said, it's true that I did need to get a lot of crazy travelling out of my system before being ready to have DC.
But, I don't think I would have made DH wait a whole year to ttc, if I knew he felt differently.
So it goes back to, does your DH know how you feel about this?
And also, can you compromise? Perhaps go for a shorter time so you don't need to save as much money? Can the dates be pushed forward so you don't have to wait a whole year?
What everyone else said.
You have the holiday then the car will need replacing, or one of you might not be happy at work and want to wait until you've moved job, or while you were all having fun in Aus some said how great it would be to go to South America or maybe have your dream holiday seeing the Northern Lights before you have a baby. After all a lot of women wait until their late 30s don't they?
If you want a baby have a baby.
I am the only one of my university peers to have children. Most people are still with/married to the same person they were with at uni. Most of them want children. But all are way too used to the lifestyle they have without children. The 2 incomes, the holidays, teh freedom to all meet down the pub on a Sunday night without having to take it in turns/book a babysitter/bring a baby along. Many are volunteers in various organisations too and do a LOT of even planning, trips away and so on which they love and woul have to cut back on if they had kids. None seems ready to take that leap yet. I understand it but sometimes I do worry that when they are ready it will be too late.
So if you are married, stable, both want children. What are you doing putting it off?
I agree with the consensus.
Also, what I never considered before having children (I have two) was timings if you might want more than one child.
My focus was on when I would have a baby and it didn't really occur to me that that is just the beginning of the years of having babies. (Though am fully prepared to concede this may just be me being spectacularly dopey).
So I had my first at 35 but it didn't occur to me that that meant I would be having a second child in my late thirties and, if I wanted a third, it would have meant having a baby in my forties (nothing wrong with this, though obviously you are more likely to have fertility issues).
Someone wrote, in a blog i think, that they thought about how many children in theory they might want (it was 4) and what was the oldest they would want to be when they had their 4th NOT their 1st then planned backwards from that. The maths was that they should start trying for their first well, pretty much immediately!
I was with my DH for 10 years before we started TTC. Very stable relationship and we knew all along we wanted children. I honestly have no idea now why we waited so long.
If you have met the right person, you both want DC and there are no serious reasons for delaying, I now think - just do it!
Also it's easy going on holiday when preg or with a tiny infant.
What, to Australia? When you've got morning sickness or aren't even allowed to fly because you're too far along? Or when you're recovering from the birth? For everyone?
Originally we were going to start this year, pretty much now, but have now decided to postpone (again) until this time next year due to plans for a big family holiday to Australia
If you were originally going to start now then you're not postponing again, surely?
I took postpone (again) to mean that they have discussed delaying previously due to their other reasons for waiting (home, job, etc.) In which case, this holiday might just be a bridge too far for the OP.
I agree with you though, if I definitely wanted to take a big trip across the world, I would do it before DC. Obviously you can do it with DC but in my experience anyway it's just not the same.
Thank you all for your replies! Was expecting a lot of "pull yourself together" " get over yourself" comments and you've all been lovely to me on my first post
dreaming and totes DH does feel the same as me, sometimes I forget and think my baby fever will scare him and then I'll catch him looking in a catalogue at nursery stuff or whatever and realise he's a good 'un haha!
We've looked into taking kids on holiday and we actually think it would be easier with a tiny baby than with older kids (less likely to leg it, less stuff if breast feeding etc) so it's not necessarily that we don't ever want to go with children, it's more what happens if I'm pregnant and can't fly and that kind of thing.
dreaming as its DH's family that's planning this we can't really move the dates, I think I'm just over thinking it all a bit too much! I'm so tempted to take all of your advice and chuck the pills in the bin
I'm also a bit paranoid that if we started now and stopped ttc closer to the time, trying to 'co ordinate' with flights....I know I sound a wee bit mental trying to 'co ordinate' a pregnancy haha! But if for any reason we had to stop before I got pregnant I think I'd go insane worrying if we had fertility issues!
I have just read back through both my posts and can see how I'm over thinking everything already....wow I'm gonna get worse when ttc...then pregnancy and then actually raising kids! Thank god for mumsnet haha!
Cancel Australia and go for ttc
Put your savings for mat leave and baby.
I'm also saying you should get cracking with the ttc
When it comes to babies late twenties is not young at all (though it's not old either)
Best of luck for when you do start trying
If everyone waited until the "Perfect" time to have a baby, there'd be far fewer people in the world. Just get cracking.
Good god woman you sound about 12. Just get on with it. In a few years time you will read your reasons for delaying and be so
A holiday is a crap reason to wait, you are being very blasé about ttc.
I think people actually have said "pull yourself together" etc. They've told you that you are being ridiculous to wait!
Just make sure you have damn good travel insurance which will pay out if you can't go due to pregnancy, and get cracking!
Sorry Flour I read it more as a bit of supportive advice than 'stop being such a selfish idiot', not so blunt i guess, but I do appreciate everyone's thoughts think me and DH need to sit down and have another chat.
Thank you all for your help and letting me rant!
I don't think you are being selfish at all (there is nothing selfish about not having kids IMO) but what others have said is that you may be being foolish.
Have a bit of unprotected sex rather than a chat eh
Don't wait there will never be a right time.
Years ago I had a lovely teacher everyone adored her, she would have made a brilliant mum so one day we asked why she didn't have children her reply they had been waiting for the right time - 1st buying a house, furnishing it nicely, getting a new car as they wouldn't be able to afford new with a baby, visiting elderly relatives abroad all this took some years. They then ttc and when they eventually realised there was a problem they were too old to get help.
I have never forgotten this lovely lady and would always tell anyone have a baby when you are ready emotionally not financially. I took my own advise and yes there have been times we struggled for money but holding my gorgeous dd's watching them grow into the beautiful women they have become has been wonderful.
Flour I do hope that's a joke about unprotected sex rather than a chat?
OP you do need to chat and find out what both your priorities really are.
I totally agree with Flourface. I too have had many friends that waited until all settled and could not get pregnant, Once you have one you want the second, I was 29 when I had my DD, Still trying for 2nd 4years later xx
I think I just mean I was worried about being 'flamed' (I think that's what I mean) being my first post, was worried I'd come across wrong. I'm starting to get the impression I worry too much! I think it was all said rather nicely, firm and get on with it I guess but not having a go at me iyswimm?
Flour I think that's probably a more productive idea haha! Will shut gob more, open legs more
I know how you are feeling! I really want second now but am about to start a new job and DH definitely against it. We had discussed waiting until DS was school age for financial reasons, still saving for deposit for first house buy. Suddenly 2.5 years seems a long way to go.
I plan to try my best to change his mind over the next 12 months....
I of course do not recommend duping your DH into getting you knocked up but if you are an over thinker and someone who makes decisions based on logic and reason you may never decide to have kids!
As a wise friend once said to me, 'Stop thinking and start drinking, it's what I did.' she is now a very happy mum!!
Keep saving your money. Book the holiday at the last minute and don't be pressurised to sort it all out a year in advance
But get shagging with intent now
Seriously, go for it
You and your H both want the same thing...there is no other reason required
If it hasn't happened by the time the holiday comes around...then great, go on the holiday
If it has, then if you will work it out
There will never be a right time, something will always come up.
I had a girls holiday to New York booked when i found out i was pregnant with DS2, it didnt stop me going. I flew at 34 weeks with a "fit to fly" letter from my midwife.
Go and make babies!
Flour I know you didn't mean duping! I like that saying tho...off to find me some
You can't plan these things that rigorously. I had three miscarriages before eldest dd came along. It took 3 years to conceive her. Then another miscarriage and 6 years to conceive youngest dd.
sod the holidays you will come to regret every holiday you took if you can't get pregnant.
Australia is a long way from the UK but we don't live in the 18th century. We have wonderful hospitals if anything goes wrong while you are here and expecting. Break your journey up. My parents have done a 2 or 3 night stay at Singapore/ Hong Kong/ Bangkok and KL both ways.
My first DS was unplanned and we had to move our wedding ( I was due 15 Dec and wedding planned for 22 Nov!! Glad we did as ds came 28/11!!!) DS 2 was planned for and I fell really quickly and he's my nightmare!!
Good luck on what ever you decide and can't remember who else wrote that you do get loads of stuff for the kid you'll really not have to get in the first 6 mths
I agree with everyone who says there will always be a reason to delay, and also those who have pointed out that ttc does not always lead to an immediate successful pregnancy. But I think you know these things, that's why you want to get on with it.
Go for it and good luck.
As for being pregnant on holidays or family events, most of us have done this and it works out.
But you might consider whether you really want to go on this particular trip.
I assume BIL and his GF are also invited on holiday? You need to think about how you are going to feel about being there with their baby if you are already feeling jealous. Not sure when the holiday is, but if you have not managed to conceive by then, how will you cope with that? Wanting a baby is an extraordinarily powerful instinct, particularly if you are feeling anxious about whether/ when it will all work out. You might find that spending so much time with relatives with a small baby is tortuous when you want one so badly yourself. The holiday might not be enjoyable for you or the people around you if it gets too much.
Maybe ttc should be your focus for the year and go to Australia another time?
I agree with everyone else - get on with it!
However, just to add an extra perspective. If you DO decide to get cracking on the TTC, please don't put the rest of your life on hold. We have close friends who have been TTC for a couple of years now who have forgone several holidays, weddings abroad, etc "just in case" she was pregnant. I know they have said that this has only added to the pressure and they wish they'd been.more relaxed about the timing as it really is outside of your control,
So my advice would be start TTC now but also plan to go to Australia. At the most, maybe just avoid TTC for the couple of months that would mean the baby's birth would coincide with your trip!
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