Partners ex refuses to buy dsd a new bra....

(128 Posts)
humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:23:28

Briefly... Dp's ex recently made a payment of £1000 through CSA for arrears accrued over the last 5 years. His regular payments from CSA have been £50 per month so this was a great unexpected windfall.

Dp went out and bought dsd and dss christmas presents (an x box and a tablet computer thing), took dsd to a martial arts competition (costing approx £100 in total), paid dsd's martial arts training fees for the month (£50) and generally stocked up the cupboards ready for christmas etc etc.

As you can imagine, it has mostly gone now.

Cut to today, dsd is out shopping with her mum. We are being bombarded by dsd and ex-wife by texts demanding that dp pays for a new bra for dsd (15). Dp said no based on the fact that he is off work at the moment and money is tight and also that dsd has at least 3 other bras in the correct size in her drawer which she refuses to wear because they are not padded enough hmm

dp eventually agreed to go halves on the bra but that wasn't good enough and is now getting it in the neck because of the £1000 payout.

AIBU to think that if ex-wife agreed to take dsd shopping, then she should at least go halves on it? Especially since it is an extra, not an essential.

givemeaclue Sat 08-Dec-12 12:25:10

Confused re who all the people are, can someone clarify?

Witchety Sat 08-Dec-12 12:26:24

How old is dsd?
They grow and she may feel too embarrassed to tell her dad

As far as money is concerned, what was he going to use to get Xmas presents before he knew of this windfall?

givemeaclue Sat 08-Dec-12 12:26:28

Ok I have got it now.

It's just a bra, just pay half for it and move on. Ex sounds a bit hopeless.

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Dec-12 12:26:38

Does your stepdaughter live with you and your partner?

Frankly, I wouldn't have mentioned the word 'bra' to my father, never mind expected him to pay for it. I don't think it's up to him to decide whether her bras are suitable for her and probably would've given her the money for it if she'd asked. His ex has a nerve, though.

Bonsoir Sat 08-Dec-12 12:26:45

They fight about paying for bras? shock No wonder their marriage ended...

Words fail me.

Witchety Sat 08-Dec-12 12:27:00

And who gets tax credits/child benefit for her?

MammaTJ Sat 08-Dec-12 12:27:42

No idea!!

What she said ^

FestiveWench Sat 08-Dec-12 12:28:18

No idea.
Depends who lives where and who makes what usual financial contributions.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 12:29:22

Poor girl.
Ridiculous thing for the adults to be squabbling over.

pinkyredrose Sat 08-Dec-12 12:30:21

Why did he spend the £1000 on unessential things if he's off work and money is tight?

HoolioHallio Sat 08-Dec-12 12:30:56

That poor child. Tell your DP to buy the bloody bra and stop playing games. It's up to someone else to set the Ex straight.

Poor DSD if her parents can't even agree on who is paying for a bra. Both of her parents need to grow up and stop fighting about minor issues imo.

So your DP's ex wife made finally paid the arrears that had accrued over 5 years and is now expecting your DP to use that money on a shopping trip that she's taken their DD on?

No, that doesn't sound fair, but it also sounds like a pretty minor thing to get in an argument over.

Thumbwitch Sat 08-Dec-12 12:32:25

I wouldn't ever have mentioned the word "bra" to my Dad either, Imperial!
Bras were between mother and daughter in our house, no male involvement at all.
As such, I think her mum should have just paid for it (I'm assuming it's not a La Perla type and therefore in the normal realms of cost?)

NatashaBee Sat 08-Dec-12 12:33:24

Sounds like she's trying to claw back the CSA money whichever way she can. YANBU, but the girl must be mortified at her bras being discussed with her father. Who normally pays for her clothes, can you give her an allowance to buy her own and tell her that once that's gone, no more?

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 12:33:33

Oh, and a padded bra stops your nipples showing through, as well as perhaps giving her a bit of confidence in her shape if she needs it.

Witchety Sat 08-Dec-12 12:33:35

A bra is an essential.... Xbox, tablet and Christmas food ( this early??) are not!

So you get maintenance, child benefit tax credits and a £1000 on top and you fail to check she is ok for the basics???

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 12:34:49

I'm completely lost.

Either way its just a bra.

RedHelenB Sat 08-Dec-12 12:41:11

Most non residence parents would expect the resident parent to provide clothing I think. And a bra is an essential.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 08-Dec-12 12:41:37

Ok I'm guessing you are a man whose partner has two DC and a pricky ex.
Your Dp should quit whining and buy the bra.

Montybojangles Sat 08-Dec-12 12:44:24

Who's living with who, I'm confused (or blond)

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:45:50

So DD has 4 bras in total, the 3 in her drawer and the one she was wearing.

They are the correct size and I am presuming some what padded as you said she wants one that is more padded.

I think some people are being too harsh on you OP.

DD has enough essentials and doesn't need another bra but wants another bra.

DD's Mum has taken her shopping for the day and is now demanding your dp pays for what dd wants (I suspect it wouldn't have mattered whether it was a bra or knickers or a bloody ipod she would have still expected dp to cough up because she finally paid the maintenance she owed)

I think your dp has been good enough to offer to pay for half and he should stick to his guns and refuse to pay any more.

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 12:48:31

i wasnt confused until I read the other posts.. surely the person who paid the £1000 is the ex wife, and the daughter is resident with her father..

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 12:49:11

and at 15, if she wants a new bra because she wants rather than needs, she should buy it out of her own money..

givemeaclue Sat 08-Dec-12 12:50:21

Yes I thought same as squeaky

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:52:32

Just to clarify....
Dsd and dss both live full time with dp who claims child benefit and tax credits etc for them.
I realise that xbox and tablet are non-essential but at the time windfall came, dp was working and is currently sick.
It was actually me who took dsd to buy the last lot of bras and dp pays for all clothes, activities etc etc usually.

I guess, the point is though, that is it fair to take a teenager for a day round the shops and then say that she can't afford to buy her anything... I personally wouldn't have taken her.
Is it fair to throw the £1000 back in your ex#s face everytine the topic of money comes up? Dp has not argued, he stated from the start that he would go halves, and ex-w and dsd are the ones demanding and saying he is being completely unfair.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells Sat 08-Dec-12 12:53:04

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 12:53:41

poor girl.

how does he know her breasts haven't grown and her mum has just had her measured whilst out. she is 15. it isn't beyond the realms of possibility. and it isn't for her father to decide she cant still fit in the other ones. i wouldn't think twice about paying for essential clothing for my child. and yes, i would consider child support payments to be exactly for things like this. essentials!

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 12:54:50

i feel very sorry for this girl who will have to ask for lots of essential things from either parent over the next few years if it's going to be this much of a row everytime.

Witchety Sat 08-Dec-12 12:56:17

She has likely outgrown what she has!

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 12:57:35

I cant understand all the angst though over a bloody bra. They are a fiver or less in sainsburys.

Aspiemum2 Sat 08-Dec-12 12:59:18

Has the ex told dsd about the £1000 then? I bet she has!
My ex avoided paying maintenance for as long as possible and when finally made to pay told the dc's "I pay her to look after you"

Either way though dc's stuck in the middle is my pet hate. I would pay for the bra and be done with it just to save any issues. Being 15 is a tough age without your parents bickering over something so personal. Somebody has to be the adult here and as a bra isn't stupidly expensive I don't see the need to make it an issue

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:00:11

Humpty I think you and yoru dp are in the right here.

You have ensured that DD has all the essentials she needs (despite her dm never paying the correct maintenance) DD now wants an extra bra that she doesn't need and dm is using it as a way to try and make your dp out to be the bad guy.

Stick to your guns and when dd comes back just check with her to see if her size has changed since you last took her shopping.

Can either side not afford an £8 bra? H&M do nice padded ones for £7.99.
I don't think that five bras is unreasonable for a teenager.
And I can't believe there wasn't a simple yes or no to the girl. If you're not willing to pay, say no, and don't drag it into a big issue (directed towards her mum, not you).

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:04:34

If it is a cheap bra then the DM should have just got it for her daughter and not rung up her dad demanding he pays for it after all it is a shopping trip she has taken her daughter on.

Why on earth should her dad have to pay for a shopping trip her mum has taken her on regardless of what it is dd wants!

Inertia Sat 08-Dec-12 13:07:00

Whichever parent gets the child benefit for her should buy her clothes.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:09:02

It is a Bra poor girl must be mortified get her a bloody bra FGS pay half and stop bickering over it I cant believe you are putting this girl through this for underwear i feel sorry for her,

bedmonster Sat 08-Dec-12 13:09:51

Blimey, I only have 3 bras that I wear regularly confused

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 13:13:58

Ringing up to go halves on a BRA??!! Yes, a PC, a pony, but a BRA??? The DM is obviously pissed at having to finally fork out maintenance, but this is ridiculous, the only one she's hurting is her DD

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:14:37

jaqueline thank you, that's what I was trying to get at.

AT the end of the day, it's not about the money, it's throwing the bloody £1000 back in dp's face all the time like it's some kind of special favour, when he has struggled for the last 5 years to bring up his dc's with little financial support. For example, he has only just recently paid back £200 he had to borrow in order to buy dsd and dss new school uniforms over the summer which ex-w point blank refused to contribute to. and prior to that, he had to borrow another £200 towards a year 6 residential trip to an outdoor centre for dss, which ex-w said dss shouldn't go on because she refused to contribute to.

So you are right ladies, the bra really is irrelevant, it's the principle!!!! grin

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 13:14:54

Tell her to shove it, you will buy the girl a bra. Money can't be that tight, you can get quite nice bras from primark for £4

HildaOgden Sat 08-Dec-12 13:16:03

I don't care which adult is right or wrong about this,legally or morally.

The last thing I would argue with a troublesome ex over is underwear for the child who is at the centre of the break-up.

I suggest that at least one of the adults shows some dignity and just pays for the underwear on this occasion.

In future,set aside a budget for clothing for her (to include essentials such as underwear) and put her in charge of spending it wisely (with adult supervision,if necessary).Set down some ground rules for the next time this happens...(and it will,except next time it will be about tampons)

This is such a petty,point scoring squabble that need never have happened.I'd suggest also that dsd has picked up on the nastiness between the 2 parents and learned how to manipulate both of them.

gettingeasier Sat 08-Dec-12 13:19:27

God the XW sounds like a typical bastard XH we hear about

This will sound rude but why havent you kept some of the back maintenance for a rainy day ? Just dont get that

bedmonster but you're not a sweaty teenager who has to change for PE.....

I'm assuming!

Hegsy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:20:31

Sounds like dsd is possibly playing both sides against the middle! Either way you don't take your child on a shopping trip then say you can't buy them anything. This gives me such rage! My brothers dad does similar ie last month they were out and my brother asked for a computer game got told no 'cant afford it. Ask your mum I give her money for you' the next week brother goes to his dads and he's bought the fucking game for himself! What kind of person does that?

Oh and if dsd mother is only paying £50 a month maintenance the least she can do is buy her daughter a £5 bra!

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 08-Dec-12 13:20:48

tell her you will happily pay for a bra when she moves up a size.

thebody Sat 08-Dec-12 13:23:16

But bras are £4.00 from primark... What the actual fuck?

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 13:26:14

Have the adults always played games with the children as counters?
For at least the last 5 years?

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:47

hegsy that is exactly it.


VivaLeBeaver Sat 08-Dec-12 13:29:02

The title of this post could easily be that your partner refuses to buy his dd a bra that she feels she needs.

Poor kid.

humptydidit Sat 08-Dec-12 13:34:39

viva she has got 4 fucking bras in the drawer that fit her perfectly, she is making a fuss over getting a new super dooper fancy one. Dp cannot afford it this week but ex-w is throwing it back in dp's face that she paid extra maintanacne and he should cough up.

Of course he will provide underwear and clothing for her. That is not the point, it is an extra which he cannot afford today. Suppose dsd was demanding her dad paid for a cd or make up, an extra, and he said no, would that be wrong too just because her mum finally paid her dues with CSA?

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:37:10

Does she not have spending money?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 13:38:07

humpty how do you know she hasn't just been measured and has gone up a size?

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:38:53

4 Bras that fit her but she would like a new 1 it is a bra Ffs

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 13:41:40

Teenagers can be very difficult, even if they come from a stable, harmonious home.
You have teenage attitude combined with a difficult family situation, so yes, she is probably manipulating you.
Have you asked yourselves why? And what the next situation will look like?
Is she generally an easy-going, non-demanding child, or have you had problems like this in the past and this is just one more incident?

HildaOgden Sat 08-Dec-12 13:41:51

Playing devils advocate here....the ex could well argue that instead of spending the CSA money (albeit paid in arrears) on essentials such as underwear,the childs father decided to be a flash git and spend it on a computer tablet and an X box to sway the kid in his favour.

Set a monthly budget for clothes including essentials,bring the dsd out every 3 months to spend it (alternate with the mother so that each parent brings her twice a year).If she (dsd) doesn't spend it wisely,she will have to make do with whatever she has bought until the next shopping trip 3 months later.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:09

There is nothing weird about going shopping for essentials at the weekend even if you have your children due to contact.

There is something weird if nrp has said " let me take you shopping for xyz" then told child they cannot have xyz unless pwc pays for it.

But if they just happen to be in town for other stuff and its been asked for its a bit different because all the nrp HAS to pay is what the csa tell them to and as shitty as it sounds that's the bottom line.

A bra is an essential item it is down to the pwc to decide if its needed and then pay for it.

And the need may very well be needed even if she has 4 already,I would never wear a lightly padded bra due to nipples poking through I also go through bras quickly I have large boobs.

Your dp has just received £1000 maintenance she should have used it for the basics and when those were sorted then done the luxurys.

Of course it would be nice if the nrp did buy it but if the nrp has always been a twat then its safe to assume they will remain a twat and twatness should be accounted for.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:14

I agree with Hilda you were both quick to go out and buy nice things did you not think to keep some back to buy clothes for her,

Viviennemary Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:29

I've read the opening post twice and can't work out who is who. Does it really matter who buys the bra. If you can't agree then each person buys her a bra. Honestly!!

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 13:47:17

3 pages of buy the bra most parents would just buy their daughter a new bra as an essential not as an excuse to bicker and bitch and 1 another very sad

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 13:47:30

viva she has got 4 fucking bras in the drawer that fit her perfectly, she is making a fuss over getting a new super dooper fancy one. Dp cannot afford it this week but ex-w is throwing it back in dp's face that she paid extra maintanacne and he should cough up.

Of course he will provide underwear and clothing for her. That is not the point, it is an extra which he cannot afford today. Suppose dsd was demanding her dad paid for a cd or make up, an extra, and he said no, would that be wrong too just because her mum finally paid her dues with CSA?

But He's had an extra £1000 this week.

Oh and I'm not a nrp I'm a pwc.

LoopsInHoops Sat 08-Dec-12 13:53:25

Totally don't get what's going on or who is who, but can you just buy her a bra for xmas? Or does she get pocket money?

Hegsy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:59:45

sock I thought op said it was recently the payment was received not this week? Also that her dp was working then but is now off sick? So her dp is ill enough to be on sick leave from work so probably needs to be resting/taking things easy and he's getting grief over a bra?!? TBH ex wife sounds like a shit stirrer and I'm struggling to understand why the OP and her DP are getting such a bad reaction on here?

the 1000 is neither here nor there, it's arrears for the last 5 years. Presumably the DC have had to go without things over that time. Why shouldn't their dad buy them treats with it! the DD has adequate clothing, the new bra isn't a need it's a want, the DF offered to pay half. He shouldn't be expected to do more than that!

McChristmasPants2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 14:02:38

I wouldn't be giving her the money for a bra she DOES NOT need, she has bras.

TBH £1000 for 5 years of maintence for 2 children is not alot.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 14:23:52

Yes the nrp is being twattish that's obvious to anybody reading, but it looks like its been many years of being twattish about money related stuff,

The £1000 is relevant as the pwc should have accounted for this twattery when he was in a position to do so as its a known thing.

But it all does hinge on if the bra is a need or a want.

If the bras fit and they are ones with pockets where the padding sits could you double up on padding until another can be brought.

And yep £1000 is not a huge amount but its pretty much what most users of the csa get over the same time period.

According to gingerbread the majority of pwc who use the csa get either nil or £5 per week that's £260 a year so 5 years of that is £1300. Unfortunately that means there is a huge amount of very twattish nrp's whose twattish ness does need to be accounted for and expected by the pwc's.

But all this is compleatly moot if the bra is a want and not a need.

squeakytoy Sat 08-Dec-12 14:24:33

a bra is only an essential if you dont have one, or dont have one that fits. OP has said the girl has at least 3 which do. This is more of a fashion want than a basic need.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 08-Dec-12 14:35:27

It's nothing to do with the item being a bra. DSD mum has taken her shopping but expects your DP to foot the bill. So she would get the fun of a shopping trip but none of the cost.

YANBU to not want to fund this but maybe you should give some money for a bra or two because 4 isn't that many. But not some £30 wonderbra, which won't fit in 6 months if money is tight.

It was a shopping trip though, presumably for having a bit of fun. If the mum really can't afford to fund the other half, is it really such a huge deal to ask for the other half?

It's not about the bra I don't think, more about the mum stirring things.

timeforachangebaby Sat 08-Dec-12 14:39:03

This is because the mum has taken her shopping and wants to play the big I AM I bet it's not a £4 primark bra. I wouldn't dream of taking dc shopping and demanding ex paid half - nor would my ex - if we had arranged in advance different.

It isn't about a bra - it's about whether an NRP can take a child shopping and then demand half of the RP wIthout prior discussion - regardless of what the shopping is for

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 14:54:38

again, how does anyone here or the OP know that she hasn't just been measured and found to have grown a size?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 14:57:52

OP in your dp@s shoes i would text back saying " i am out of work siCK right now and Can@t afford to but new Clothes> i will get dp to take dd and get her Measured> if she needs new underwear we will buy it when we Can afford it. IN THE MEANTIme if you wish to buy her new things that is no problem."

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 08-Dec-12 14:58:34

apologies for crap typing, i spilt tea on my laptop.

piprabbit Sat 08-Dec-12 15:04:29

If you can't afford a whole bra, don't go on a shopping trip with your child and tell them they can have a bra.

And definitely don't start a row about who is paying for said bra.

I can think of nothing more guaranteed to humiliate and upset the child than having at least 3 adults bickering about the contents of her underwear drawer.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 08-Dec-12 16:03:14

Despite getting child tax credits and child benefit, you struggled to provide essential school uniform. Rather than be sensible with the maintainance it was blown on non essesntials and poor dsd has adults arguing over who should pay for her underwear! Poor thing. Who cares if she has a couple already, im willing to bet you buy yourself non essential items.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 16:30:18

I'm sure that if the NRP were male there would be cries of controlling bastard.

No if my exp took the dc shopping for non essential items I would not be going halfs

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 16:43:20

Add message | Report | Message poster BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 16:30:18
I'm sure that if the NRP were male there would be cries of controlling bastard.

Unlikely I've seen many a thread in aibu where the sexes of the nrp and pwc are reversed and most of the time they say the same thing pwc who receives the maintenance is responsible for the essential buys.

Fwiw I once asked my none maintenance paying ex to put a tenner towards a disability aid for our child as I had taken the wrong card out and he was parked outside the shop and got called a money grabbing cunt.

Yes it would be nice if the nrp brought something that's needed but you can't make them.equally as such the nrp should not have offered to buy it if she depended on the pwc paying half.because that's not really on. But if the child needs a bra it's down to the pwc to get it

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 16:49:35


But in this case the NRP is using the child to against the RP, you can't have it unless RP pays.

Sounds like the NRP is forcing the issue, especially as she is throwing maintence (and owed maintence at that) back at them.

The NRP shouldn't have gone shopping with the DSD if she was not going to pay.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 16:50:02

None of this makes any sense at all. The girl's mother should buy her a bra. And whoever has no job and just blew £1K on Christmas needs their head seeing to.

ChocHobNob Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:02

I can see where you're coming from Sock, but a bra? It'll cost a few quid. Mum could have just seen it as a nice bonding exercise with DD and bought it. Ringing Dad and demanding he buys DD a bra or refunds money she pays for one is not great for the DD is it? Especially if she witnesses it. It seems incredibly petty of Mum. If DD needs a lot of essentials and doesn't feel able to speak to Dad about them then Mum should approach him and discuss it. But one measly bra on a shopping trip? She should have just bought it for her daughter.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:24

And padded? Seriously?

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 17:22:07

nfk if you had read the thread you would have realised that the DP had a job when the money that was owed was paid back and so used it to buy some extra special Xmas presents. This was a little while ago. He is now unable to work as he is ill.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 17:29:07

In all fairness the op has not said that the nrp took the child on a fun shopping trip. For all we know they were in town doing normal grocery shopping and the dc just asked for a bra.

For all we know the pwc is one who sends the dc to the nrp dressed in rags to try and guilt them.

For all we know the nrp thinks the dc's needs are not being met by the pwc and its pissed them off because they recently paid up.

The only things we do know are the nrp is a twat who had arrears and the pwc cannot budget well and blew a grand on Christmas.

nfk padded bras are very helpful if you have prominent nipple issues and feel uncomfortable with people seeing them

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 17:29:48

Ok. I get that. But there was a whole post about borrowing money for this that and the other. I think the mother is in the wrong (the OP's question) but the father sounds as if he shows bad judgemeent. You could do a lot better with £1k than an xbox.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 17:30:46

Which wasn't the OP's question. Just my twopence.

Arisbottle Sat 08-Dec-12 17:36:22

The mother sounds a nightmare taking the daughter for a shopping trip she can't afford .

Your partner sounds like an irresponsible twit for blowing the maintenance on silly luxuries .

A poor child is caught in the middle of this.

Arisbottle Sat 08-Dec-12 17:38:26

My daughters both wear slightly padded bras, shields their nipples. For young girls in particular budding breasts can be painful and uneven and a slight layer of padding covers that.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 08-Dec-12 17:55:47


We do know that the NRP has form for not paying maintence and we do know that the NRP is using the payout against the op and her DP.

She doesn't sound very nice to me and she does sound controlling.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:11:48

And padded? Seriously?

girls wear padded bras for modesty mostly well my daughters do and it is difficult to get a bra with no padding anyway

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:13:55

I am still reading this , shock at the adults in this kids life I know it took many years to get the back money but for crying out loud is this how it goes non stop , you pay half of this or that, hmm

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 19:19:25

If it's difficult to get a bra with no padding, it's because a market has been created for it and young girls are made to look bigger than they are. I don't buy this modesty argument. When did this idea start? It's like the shaving pubes for hygiene purposes. Just one more thing young girls and women are made to purchase/buy into.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:21:03

My dd said you could see right through her bra when she first got 1 and felt uncomfortable they wear t shirt bras not wonder bras confused do you have daughters nfk ?

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 19:21:55

Yes. I have daughters.

simplesusan Sat 08-Dec-12 19:22:51

I have not read every post but here is my two pennerth worth.

At 15 I would be concerned about a child wanting a very padded bra- not good.
It should be the mum who buys the bra.
Buy an inexpensive bra.
Have a serious chat about body image and feeling confident about your changing body.

Stop arguing/being petty around children. They didn't ask for all this hostility. And before you say we don't argue infront of them, they can still sense hostility.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:25:51

are they bra wearing age ? when you have girls who are growing and changing sometimes you do what you can for them And if they are comfortable in a t shirt bra then that is what they will get it maybe all well and good saying it is just a nipple but then you may get other kids /boys commenting , meh it is just a bra no under wire if that makes it any better nfk

lovebunny Sat 08-Dec-12 19:36:32

it seems really creepy to me that anyone would post about their daughter's bras. and ridiculous to argue about who pays for them.

Jingleallthejay Sat 08-Dec-12 19:37:42

It is mumsnet love people post about every little detail hmm

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Sat 08-Dec-12 20:00:21

lovebunny why exactly do you find it creepy?

I am struggling to understand how on earth anything the op has said could be creepy! Unless of course you are some kind of creep yourself whose mind works in rather disturbing ways.

diaimchlo Sat 08-Dec-12 20:12:54

YADNBU.... You and your DP have provided the finances to provide everything your DSS over the last 5 years for god's sake..... The NRP has not..... She has made an arrears payment of £1000, which IMHO would only cover a small amount of what you have spent.... So buying the xbox etc and getting Christmas ready with it was a nice choice especially as it benefits your DSS in a lovely way.

A mother takes her daughter shopping..... and the daughter asks for a bra?
She should pay for it and not kick up a stink, but please not from somewhere like Primark, I am sure she does want a disposable one, as most of their clothing appears to fall apart very quickly.....

To those of you who have slated the OP stop making judgements as said before if the NRP was male then oh what a stink you would kick up..... With NRP being female in this instance I think it makes it worse as thing such as your daughter's under wear is normally a very Mother Daughter issue, She should be ashamed of herself!!!!!!

I hope you have a lovely Christmas xx

Solola Sun 09-Dec-12 08:31:13

What I don't understand is why, if money has previously been that tight that your DP had to borrow some to buy school uniform, would he just blow £1000 on non essentials? Even if he was working when it came, surely previous experience would mean he'd be sensible to put some aside for a rainy day? Treats for the DC don't have to be and X box?

DingDongKethryverilyonHigh Sun 09-Dec-12 09:28:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Sun 09-Dec-12 10:10:36

At 15ish my daughter refused to wear the properly fitting bras I'd bought her as she wanted ones with more padding too. Although it appeared to be an unnecessary 'want'. I'm not sure that was the case. The problem you see is that at this age their breasts are frequently uneven and noticeably different sizes. Padded bras even this difference out and so made them feel more comfortable with their shape.

HeathRobinson Sun 09-Dec-12 10:14:54

Do you generally spend more on dss than dsd?

Thumbwitch Sun 09-Dec-12 11:06:35

As an aside, this business of t-shirt/slightly padded/formed cup bras makes me a bit angry as I have just been to buy a nursing bra and the fecking thing has a formed cup! WHHYYY? No choice available (in that shop anyway) of getting one in plain cotton - they all had the formed cup. hmm

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 11:13:18

"Do you generally spend more on dss than dsd?"

Looks pretty even to me.

LessMissAbs Sun 09-Dec-12 11:29:32

I can't believe adults getting themselves in such a state over such an embarrasing issue for a child. Grow up and sort it out - take the noble line and spend the whole £15 bloody pounds!

As for the ex, he has paid his dues, which are more than many do, and you didn't spend it that wisely and treated it like "an unexpected windfall".

Therefore the ex comes out of this looking a lot better than you.

GhostShip Sun 09-Dec-12 11:55:06

LessMissAbs -they were owed that money. I assume that because there were no payments previously they had to use money that they might have used to save for christmas presents etc, so telling them they should have 'spent it wisely' is irrelevant. £1000 is nothing compared to what they will have spent.

The ex comes across as looking like a complete and utter fool. Taking her daughter on a shopping trip then 'bombarding' them with texts about paying for a sodding bra? What sort of person does that? She should have just bought her one like any mother would and thats that. If she really had a problem with it she should have had a quiet word later on and asked for half - although even that to me is unreasonable.

Bloody hell. I'll buy the bra...

nkf Sun 09-Dec-12 12:11:19

Gwendolin, I'll chip in.

ethelb Sun 09-Dec-12 12:12:39

why oh why do sdivorced parents (and step parents) on MN chose to make their step daughters puberty a point of contention?

How is the poor girl going to prove she needs a different bra size? Get them out in front of everyone with a tape measure ffs?

This reminds me of the blood stained knickers thread a bit tbh.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 12:16:04

FFS Its not about the bra is it, its the principle, it could be shoes, and ipad or a new CD, if the NRP has taken their own child shopping, then they should be spending their own money.

nkf Sun 09-Dec-12 12:16:59

Yes. The OP's husband could have ignored the texts. Why did he have to have a fight over it?

nkf Sun 09-Dec-12 12:17:47

Personally, if I were the NRP, I would buy both essentials and treats if I could.

timeforachangebaby Sun 09-Dec-12 12:18:24

I can just imagine ringing exh from town and demanding he pay for half of anything, he would rightly tell me to sod off.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 09-Dec-12 12:31:00

For everyone getting at tho op imagine the fuss if a male exp took their dcs on a shopping trip then phoned the op demanding money........the double standards on here really piss me off hmm

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 09-Dec-12 12:40:25

"Yes. The OP's husband could have ignored the texts. Why did he have to have a fight over it?"

I'm hoping that that is an ironic statement.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sun 09-Dec-12 12:48:09

Creepy lovebunny? That's a weird POV

nkf Sun 09-Dec-12 13:07:29

What double standards? Most people say the mother shouldn't have asked for the money. A few say the father should pay but only to keep the peace. Or have I missed something?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 13:26:43

This is ridiculous. It's a bra. £15 or £4 it's just a bra hmm

She's 15,unless given pocket money how exactly is she meant to buy her own? Most employers don't take on people under 16 (or indeed anyone at all currently). Yes it may be a case of want over need,but She didn't need an Xbox or a tablet and yet those were bought and at much higher cost.

The mum is being very petty imo. But really,it's a non issue and I can't believe grown adults are arguing about it. Poor girl.

But "the mum should buy the bra" / "it's a mother and daughter thing" eh? What an odd outlook. It's just clothing hmm

VivaLeBeaver Sun 09-Dec-12 16:08:14

Can I also comment about the fact she apparently has decent bras but wants one that's more padded?

I read an interesting article about teens and padded bras a while ago. Teens don't wear padded bras in an attempt to make their breasts look bigger as I'd assumed. According to the article teens who are self conscious about their breasts prefer padded bras as they perceive their breasts to be more hidden/under a thicker layer.

It may be that this girl is wanting a more padded bra for this reason. Due to that I'd buy her one.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 09-Dec-12 16:11:01

It says in the op that the nrp was paying £50 a month but obviously that was not what they should have paid because arrears where built up.

humptydidit Sun 09-Dec-12 16:12:55

Thank you for all your comments. Even the ones saying me and dp were in the wrong are helpful to see things from a different side! grin

To clarify, dsd currently has 3 padded bras, including 1 super dooper ultra padded one.

Dp has basically disengaged from ex-wife and ignores her mostly beyond basic contact regarding the kids, but when she keeps throwing the £1000 arrears payment back in his face it makes my blood boil.

In response to those who said it was foolish to buy kids expensive christmas presents, perhaps it was... Dp paid back the money for the school uniforms and the school trip, he borrowed it from family before he got the £1000. The payout from ex=wife meant that christmas has been paid for without getting into debt which is the first year ever, and I'm sure we are not alone in that situation!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 09-Dec-12 16:17:16

Of course you are not alone in that.

Unfortunately your dp is experiencing what loads of pwc do. The whole I've paid csa bah blah blah it's crap but he will know in future to account for it happening

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 16:18:12

Throwing the arrears back in your face is ridiculous...she should have paid it when she was supposed to! Stupid woman.

I don't think having 5 bras is that excessive. She's a teenage girl,she wants to have pretty things,I don't see the harm. Maybe she wants a particular bra to wear under certain clothes? Take her off to Asda/Tesco/Sainburys. They all sell nice bra's that aren't excessively expensive.

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