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To want to be offered a fucking cup of tea

(100 Posts)
SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:43:30

without asking for one, just once. I'm referring to the weekend here only as dp works all week. I make us lovely dinners/puddings 5/7 times a week.

My dp will just lie there playing on his effing iPhone until I get up and make us tea. Just once it would be nice to be offered. My father always makes my sm a cup of coffee every morning without fail, same as my mum and sd. So I seem to have found a bloke who never thinks to offer something so little for his partner sad

I maybe be a teensy bit hormonal due to being 38 WEEKS FUCKING PREGNANT and never being offered a cup of tea. In the morning my back and ribs are killing me.

Rant over <breathes in lavender and clary sage concoction>

mrskeithrichards Sat 08-Dec-12 08:44:28

Don't make him one!

Don't bloody make him one!

<thanks stars for tea-making DP>

poshfrock Sat 08-Dec-12 08:46:50

Just get up and make one or yourself. If he says anything just say " Oh I thought we only did things for ourselves now?"

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 08-Dec-12 08:48:59

Leave the bastard grin

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:49:03

But I'm not like that posh, I would find it hard to do but maybe it's what's needed. He's good in other ways like helping with cleaning etc. This just really winds me up!

bigsista00 Sat 08-Dec-12 08:50:21

My dp is still in bed... Im 22 weeks pg and up with 3yo ds. AND dp has been off work for 2 days. Iv done all the h/w and just made my breakfast. No tea for me either sad

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:50:36

Plus when he does make one, he puts the milk in first making it very weak <wails> I'm a bitch aren't I? grin

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 08:50:42

Tell him that at the weekend it is his turn to make tea.

Bluestocking Sat 08-Dec-12 08:51:41

Hi there SpoonyFuckersWife! How about just asking him to bring you a cup of tea in the morning? Especially now you are more or less immobilised by HIS CHILD. Who you are selflessly creating, molecule by molecule.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 08:51:57

Does he know how pissed off you are about it, or are you relying on telepathy and his awareness of your needs?

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 08-Dec-12 08:52:15

He puts the milk in first...you're drip feeding now.

That's the best way to make tea!

Bluestocking Sat 08-Dec-12 08:52:24

Oh no, he's a Milkinfirstfucker as well. You're going to have to sort that out, it's just not right, is it?

He puts the milk in first???

LEAVE THE BASTARD

grin

PessaryPam Sat 08-Dec-12 08:52:48

I've just ordered more tea from my DH a I have a 'head' from last nights partying. He is an angel grin

Schlock Sat 08-Dec-12 08:53:15

Oh god, I'm with you with the major error of putting the milk in first. It doesn't matter how many times I tell dh that the milk must be put in last he still insists on putting it in when the tea bag is still in the cup. Grrr.

Have you ever told him that you would like him to make you a cuppa without having to ask, cos I daresay he isn't a mind reader wink

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 08-Dec-12 08:53:34

Watch it Blue angry

Sort it now of you will still be doing it in a couple of weeks time

Fakebook Sat 08-Dec-12 08:54:31

Here's an idea. Why don't you tell HIM all if this instead. Telepathy obviously isn't working for him.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:54:46

No, I have said to him plenty of times that I would really appreciate if he offered me tea on weekends as my back and rib pain is so much worse, plus I do a lot of little nice gestures for him so it would be nice to have some reciprocation. He agrees and by the next weekend all is forgotten. I guess I just have to admit defeat that he is a selfish arse at times.

OneHandFlapping Sat 08-Dec-12 08:54:56

Kick him out of be and tell him to make you one. This is no time for subtlety. He should be showing you a lot more consideration if you are 38 weeks pregnant.

In our house whoever is up first makes tea for the other one.

Atm that's me on a weekday, and usually him at the weekend.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Sat 08-Dec-12 08:55:11

Have you told him how you feel?

lottiegarbanzo Sat 08-Dec-12 08:55:17

Just tell him what you want.

What's this 'helping' with cleaning? Do you make all the mess and dirt, or does he live there too?

Schlock Sat 08-Dec-12 08:56:32

We have a running joke in our house, many years ago on New Year's Day I asked dh to make me a cup of tea when we woke up in the morning with stonking hangovers. It took him the entire duration of Urban Commando to actually get out of bed and do it. So now we have Urban Commando delays in tea production.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Sat 08-Dec-12 08:56:37

sorry. x post.

Then he's being selfish and I suggest you start 'forgetting' all the nice little gestures too.

'nice little gestures' is either a two way street or there's a massive No Entry sign blocking the whole bloody road!

twofingerstoGideon Sat 08-Dec-12 08:57:02

Hmm, I noticed the 'help' with the cleaning too.
Leave the Bastard!

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:57:35

Bue Bunny and Hokey grin thanks for cheering me up. I might have to NC to that now.

The problem with milk in first is, you don't know how much you need. Wen you add it after you go by colour. Makes no sense! angry

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 08-Dec-12 08:58:33

No don't admit defeat. Tell him every weekend on one of the days it is his turn. Tell him that when the baby is born it will continue to be his turn to get up one of the weekend mornings. Keep telling him as it suits him well to forget.

By the way I hear of the marvellous hubby's that bring their wives tea in bed every morning - I don't have one of those either, but we are more or less equal.

helpyourself Sat 08-Dec-12 08:58:45

Never got a cup of tea in the morning unless I asked. Couldn't LTB as its literally his only fault.
I got this instead.

blonderthanred Sat 08-Dec-12 08:58:45

Step 1. Ask DH for "a nice, strong cup of tea".
Step 2. Don't make dinner.
Step 3. Say, "but you didn't ask!"

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 08-Dec-12 08:59:24

I have started a thread on this to investigate the matter further...am all and sundry are now coming to tell me i am wrong and make awful tea!

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:59:48

'helps' as in contributes to housework without needing to be asked, which is good

Morloth Sat 08-Dec-12 09:00:21

Just tell him when you want one.

Not much point sitting there hoping he will offer or getting up and making one if you are in pain.

If I want a cup of tea and don't want to get up, I say 'Hey babe, make me a cuppa will you?' - he does the same.

No point suffering in silence.

Milk in first is fine if you are pouring from a pot, if making with tea bag in a cup then obviously boiling water first.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 08-Dec-12 09:01:00

Train him. My notoriously lazy husband once refused to make me a cuppa in front of his parents. I felt really humiliated and angry when my fil made it instead.....later on I told him that as punishment he was damn well gonna make me one every night for the rest of my life. Unbelivably, he has done eighteen months of his wee penance. 10pm every night i get handed a cuppa.

Make him do it.

Bluestocking Sat 08-Dec-12 09:02:10

All joking aside, there is no point in telling him days before the weekend that you would like tea and them fuming because he's forgotten by the time you get to the weekend. You have to tell him when you want the tea. It's taken me years to get my ForgetfulFucker to the point where he reliably offers me a cup of tea every time he gets up before me!

Fakebook Sat 08-Dec-12 09:02:49

Oh ok, so you've already told him. Well stop doing things for him then. I did that to DH when we first got together. He was quite selfish, but now he makes a cup of tea for me without asking. Took me 6 years to get to this stage.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:03:33

*Not much point sitting there hoping he will offer or getting up and making one if you are in pain.

If I want a cup of tea and don't want to get up, I say 'Hey babe, make me a cuppa will you?' - he does the same.*

Read my op, I do not want to have to ask! That's the whole point in the thread! It would be lovely if he asked before reaching for his fecking iPhone and then playing some shit for ages, 'hey love, fancy a brew?' I hate that I have to ask, he knows I would love one! Plus I do ask him, like just now, I said 'I would love a cuppa if you don't mind'

lottiegarbanzo Sat 08-Dec-12 09:03:38

I'm guessing you contribute to housework without needing to be asked too. Does he recognise that as 'helping' him?

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:04:35

6 YEARS ??!! <faints>

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 08-Dec-12 09:06:20

I totally understand what you mean, my dh is lovely and will do anything i ask.

Sometimes though it would be nice if he just did, without me having to ask. To use a bit of initiative, telepathy...whatever, i just want him to do it without being prompted!

Morloth Sat 08-Dec-12 09:07:20

Well TBH I think that is a bit mad.

When I want something from someone I tell them, much easier all round.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 09:07:43

If you have made it clear, and he's not bothering to think, then stop doing things for him. Make your own tea and don't make him one.
It is ridiculous that you are having to use the same strategies that I do on my 18 year old when he's being inconsiderate, but I find it does work if I back it up with a clear explanation of why.
DS makes me tea when I stagger home from work if he's in, without having to ask.

i feel for you. DH is largely useless around the house but he does always make me a cup of tea first thing in the morning and at regular intervals during the day when he's around.

I would leave him if he didn't. No question.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:08:55

He's now making himself breakfast before going to the gym. I don't fancy what he's having (egg friend rice confused) and there's nothing else in so I said I'll go and pick myself up something sad I'm bloody starving.

I've always relied on myself and been very independent, but you have those times when you want to be looked after a little. He knows I'm feeling pretty fragile due to family ishoos. <slopes off>

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 09:10:03

So give him a shopping list to pick up on his way back from the gym.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 08-Dec-12 09:10:39

Getting someone to become a more thoughtful, selfless person is quite a big thing to ask. Reasonable but you can't expect an immediate change in personality. The good thing is you only really need to change habits and those become quite ingrained quite quickly. You will need to keep reminding though.

It does sound as though he's taking you for granted and doing what he can get away with, which you need to address urgently, as he's unlikely to get any better with a baby.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:10:52

His mum did everything for him, very spoilt little boy so he's never learnt I guess. Glad I'm having a ds, I know he will be selfless and kind and generous.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:11:49

Ill be chewing on my cat's leg by then nebulous

nurseneedshelp Sat 08-Dec-12 09:11:52

Run for the hills.....

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:13:06

I'm going to ask for a teas made for Christmas, as someone posted it above. I've always wanted one but wondered how well they worked. Would be good with a baby too

LondonKitty Sat 08-Dec-12 09:14:09

My DH is quite good at asking <proud>.

If he forgets to ask, I just say, 'where's my cup of tea?'. And it duly appears.

He's rubbish at housework though hmm...

Anyway, this is just for you.... brew

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 08-Dec-12 09:16:12

'Glad I'm having a ds, I know he will be selfless and kind and generous.'

Exactly, mine usually is, he just needs a bit of a prod sometimes. It is much harder to change anything in a person once they are adult and have got a bit set in their ways. Possible but more challenging.

FlourFace Sat 08-Dec-12 09:17:11

My DP doesn't drink tea, however he often makes me one. I find "stick the kettle on please" does it while he is toasting the crumpets.

"helping with cleaning"
Stop being a martyr wife, OP.

Sarraburd Sat 08-Dec-12 09:18:53

Totally sympathise. And that you would like not to have to ask, just to have some care and consideration for once. DH equally hopeless - what annoys me even more though is when he gets himself a cup of tea/toast/glass of wine and doesn't think to get/offer me one too. That is just plain rude.

His worst Incident was morning after I gave birth to DS1. He got up and went downstairs. After a while, I thought "goodness he's been a while getting me tea, he must be making me breakfast in bed too, bless him." sometime later, after calling down the stairs and no answer,
I rang his mobile. He was in Wickes, buying a whole load of stuff to relay the garden path. That was his idea of looking after his family, but I would still have preferred a cup of tea really, the day after giving birth.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:18:56

Thanks London smile

I guess I will persevere with 'stick the kettle on, love' approach.

FlourFace Sat 08-Dec-12 09:19:18

Crikey yes, anyone who is pleased their DH/DP 'helps' around the house - more fool you!

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:20:18

Sarraburd grin sorry but that made me laugh! Wickes ffs!!

CSIJanner Sat 08-Dec-12 09:21:02

Get his iPhone and stick a reminder in his calendar for every single Saturday and Sunday for all eternity that at 0830, he's to get off his sorry arse and make you a cup of tea. Stick a 5 minute reminder for good measure with the alarm set to loud

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:21:19

Well, no. I'm just glad I don't have to ask him to clean sometimes like a lot of women on MN seem to have to. I've read lots of threads with women whose partners do f all around the house.

AmandaCooper Sat 08-Dec-12 09:30:46

My DH probably does more around the house than I do but he hates making tea and only does it under sufferance.

Adversecalendar Sat 08-Dec-12 09:41:49

Sending a brew

My DH does bring tea in bed because it takes me a while to get going because I have a back problem. He started doing this when I was pg, it was me before.

I don't have any advice but sorry he is so selfish.

Poshfrock grin

Can you have a talk with him and just TELL him? I know it's not what you want, but maybe that's what it takes. Stop cleaning. Just do the washing up when it's starting to annoy you. You're going to have a baby! just drop it all. And hide the bloody iPhone.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Sat 08-Dec-12 10:01:51

In defence of your husband (a bit)...

I don't particularly like tea. I mean, I'll drink it with breakfast and all, but I don't get this odd (British?) obsession with having a cup of tea at every quiet moment.

So if I was lying in bed of a morning, I would never ever think, ooh, I'll get up and make a cup of tea now. Because I don't particularly want one and I'd rather stay in bed. But if someone else made tea, I'd have some.

Also, when people come round to my house, I often forget to offer them tea. blush And if I remember to offer when they arrive, I almost certainly won't remember to offer again during their visit.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Sat 08-Dec-12 10:04:18

Um... a Teasmade might sound like a good idea now, but will be a nightmare with a toddler. Unless your bedroom has a shelf 5 feet off the ground, with a plug at the same height? Sorry. The little buggers get into everything...

OrangePanda Sat 08-Dec-12 10:12:18

Men! Haha! You seem so nice that you will always make him tea because you don't want to make it only for you. You are very sweet like a traditional wife. Can you say to him "Darling, my back is in pain and I would love a cup of tea. Please can you make one for me"

Or can you ask the cleaner to make for you and your man?

Fakebook Sat 08-Dec-12 10:13:01

Yes 6 years. It's our anniversary on the 18th. DH now cooks without any prompting from me, he cleans, and he makes breakfast/tea without me asking him. We still are working on feeding the children on time and changing a pooey nappy as soon as it happens. This morning I've left him alone with DS and have reminded him to keep sniffing his bum incase he poos.

On a plus side for me DH always washes and irons his own clothes; something he's been doing since he was 10 years old. That's something I've never had to nag him about.

mrskeithrichards Sat 08-Dec-12 10:25:25

My dad does it for my mum, every morning. Maybe it was part of the marriage vows back then?

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 10:56:05

Oh I never do his laundry, unless I'm chucking stuff in and he's in, I ask if he's got anything.

Once again, the problem is not my inability to ask I always have to ask, that's what annoys me. He never offers.

Just got back from sainsburys with brekkie for myself, bought a nice lunch for myself too and didn't get him anything, which is a first for me.

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Dec-12 11:04:29

A Teasmade shouldn't be your Christmas present! Buy one now and have something else for Christmas. Justify it on the grounds that he isn't making you one and soon you won't have time first thing to make yourself one.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 11:06:32

I know, that's a bit of a shit gift isn't it. We aren't really doing gifts this year anyway due to baby being due Christmas Eve

PixieBaby Sat 08-Dec-12 11:12:44

If he is being clueless then he isn't going to notice if you stop doing other things. It will just make you feel bitter.

You need to be direct and say that it would really help if he can do XYZ. At 38 weeks pregnant I think you deserve more than the odd cup of tea! Be more demanding - after all, as the other posts said, you will need him to be contributing much more than than that soon. Good luck.

Asinine Sat 08-Dec-12 11:16:25

Get him a big mug for Christmas which says

Now offer your wife a cup of tea

And leave it by the kettle every night.

Ephiny Sat 08-Dec-12 11:17:43

Maybe he just isn't as bothered about tea as you are, i.e. he's happy enough to have one if it's offered, but doesn't care about it enough to actually make it himself. I'm like that with chocolate. If DH buys some and offers me a bit, I'll usually accept, but I wouldn't have thought or bothered to have bought it myself. I hope he isn't secretly fuming with me!

We each sort out our own breakfasts as well. I'd agree with others. Either just make your own tea, or if you're finding things like that difficult at the moment, ask him to do it.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 11:23:23

He bloody loves tea

tethersjinglebellend Sat 08-Dec-12 11:29:35

I don't drink tea.

<helpful>

FestiveDigestive Sat 08-Dec-12 14:25:41

Refuse to leave your bed until your tea has been delivered. I am heavily pregnant & my DH brings a cup of tea and biscuits in every morning and he knows that I will not be able to speak or leave the bed until I've the tea grin

DH gets up and makes me one every morning and my alarm goes off at 05:40.
You need to persevere, I did. brew

YoucanringmySleighBells Sat 08-Dec-12 16:00:15

Well YANBU!! I second the idea of getting him a personalised mug that says - offer to make dw a cuppa - that should gently remind him.

Here, I will make you a brew

Tell him one last time that you shouldn't HAVE to ask. Oh and don't make him dinner until he bloody asks.

FredFredGeorge Sat 08-Dec-12 16:11:09

YABU for expecting people to do things which without you asking. People are not mind readers, you do not want your DH to read your mind or all your thoughts about the milk man will come out.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 16:24:33

I was always brought up to offer people things and generally do nice things for people you love and care about.

I don't want diamonds or flowers (like that would happen anyway!) but wanting DP to get me a cuppa on the weekends isn't much to ask (without asking) surely smile

YoucanringmySleighBells Sat 08-Dec-12 16:37:57

I agree spoony - Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself. If Op offers her husband cuppas without being asked he should do the same. Especially as he loves tea!

AnnaRack Sat 08-Dec-12 16:54:26

Yanbu. Have brew and a biscuit!

charlottehere Sat 08-Dec-12 17:02:19

I used to tell dh that my needs were greater than his when upduffed, just tell the selfish twunt to pull his finger out of his rear and make you tea.

charlottehere Sat 08-Dec-12 17:05:06

Btw dh is great in the te a dept, infant n most areas. We have 2 week old ds1 and dh makes me tea and breakfast in bed most days. I heart dh.

Don't make him one.

Or huff and puff a lot while you make him tea. And then smash his stupid iPhone.

Lavenderhoney Sat 08-Dec-12 17:17:12

I was thinking the other day that my dad got up before my mum every single day until he died ( 50 years) and made her tea. And she had a teas made, so they had tea in bed with it, then he got up and got her another. And I wondered why my dh can't do that. He can't make tea though. My pil don't even have a kettle and I cried the first time i stayed theresmile they have tea but warm water in a pan or microwave. It is disgusting.

My dc get up about 6 and dh doesn't ever get up with them, so I have to get my own. I make him coffee so he gets up for that much later. I don't take it to him in bed, do you think I should? He says it would be nicer.

FreeButtonChristmasTree Sat 08-Dec-12 17:41:18

Tea drinkers are mad. Mad I tell you. If you want something, ask for it!

In fact, the more tou ask, the more used he'll get to making you one and you might actually find that he naturally starts to offer more often. Think of it as a virtuous circle. <sings kumbaya and offers biscuits to all>

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 17:58:03

I hate to ask though sad I feel demanding and he kind of goes quiet, waits for 5 minutes and then gets it when he's good and ready so it's never a tea made wih love

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 08-Dec-12 19:24:01

Lavender your pil are very strange!!

grin at kumbaya, haven't thought about that for years.

I still think he should instinctively know by the power of something that he should get up and make you a cup of tea.

Look on the bright side, give it 9 or so years and you can train the dc to make you tea and bring it up!

Viviennemary Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:18

Just ask. Say I would like a nice cup of tea please. I often offer to make tea and then it takes me ages to get round to doing it. blush Sometimes I forget altogether and DH gets annoyed at that. But just ask. And if you ask often enough he might even get used to making tea without you asking first. Well you can only hope!

lottiegarbanzo Sat 08-Dec-12 20:35:36

I think you need to start getting used to asking for things.

I understand that you've been very independent and are used to doing things for yourself and being kind to others. In a partnership though, that shouldn't mean you do everything and become an inadvertent servant, or a cat who walks by herself alongside someone else, it means you need to learn to lead, delegate, encourage and work together.

Calabria Sat 08-Dec-12 21:24:08

My dad makes my mum (and any visitors who want one) an early cup of tea every morning. He cannot carry the mugs into the bedroom as his disability means he cannot walk unaided, so Mum (or the visitor) delivers the tea. Such a treat when I'm visiting.

agedknees Sat 08-Dec-12 21:38:35

yanbu.

My dh has just poured me a glass of wine and opened the matchmakers. And he made dinner (Thai soup and curry from scratch).

You have some serious husband training to do.

SpoonyFuckersWife Sat 08-Dec-12 21:42:31

Luckily he's not my husband yet. Still stuck in bachelor ways I guess, needs definite training especially with baby coming. I'm hoping it will help him grow up a bit.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sat 08-Dec-12 22:37:08

Yanbu. Your dh is a bounder.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sat 08-Dec-12 22:38:56

Sorry, I meant your dp not dh. Anyway whatever his official title he's nevertheless a cad.

changeforthebetterforObama Sat 08-Dec-12 22:41:47

Milk in first?! LTB! Or get a travel kettle and thermos flask. Tea in bed without the need for a partner :-)

MadameCreeper Sat 08-Dec-12 22:55:03

Yanbu

I'm with Spoony, it's one of those little things that you do for people you like. It doesn't matter if you're single, married, young, old, you just do things to help! When I was a SAHM my husband would get up before me, then wake me with a cuppa as he left the house. I now work full time, we both get up at the same time, I make the tea while he irons the shirts.

CalamityJ Sat 08-Dec-12 22:55:53

I used to visit Nestle up in York as they were one of my clients. In the half a dozen or so times I went to their offices I never once got offered a cup of coffee (they make Nescafe BTW) or indeed not so much as a glass of water (they also own Nestle Waters). So for your DP to not offer you one is not that surprising - some people just don't think about offering others a drink!

I wouldn't be subtle about it (well it never works with my DH) and next time you want one say 'Please could you make me a cup of tea'. Then take your turn with the next one. Then when it's his turn ask again. Eventually he will hopefully get into the habit of offering...maybe...or you'll just keep asking...either way you'll get your tea!

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