to think my SIL should drop her baby round..

(86 Posts)
oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:12:04

My brother looked exhausted the last time I saw him, turns out he is up from 5.30 in the morning to look after the baby so SIL can get some rest as she is with her all day (Baby sleeps from 11 till about 5.30 when she wakes for a feed)..

I offered to take the baby for a day / night to give him a break.

The following day, SIL texts saying can I baby sit so she can go into town for something the following week. The time she needed to go into town coincided with a time I take my 2 year old to a playgroup. I said if she wants to drop the baby round (where she was going is 15 mins away from where I live) and I can take baby with toddler to play group.... she didnt want this, wanted me and my 2 year old to travel to her house, which is an hour away, sit indoors and watch the baby there.. What makes matters worse is their cramped flat is NOT toddler friendly at all and hard work on its own.....

HollyBerryBush Fri 07-Dec-12 21:17:28

YABU to think she should deliver her baby so its convenient for you

SIBU to think you will drop everything and babysit on her terms.

So in the great scheme of things, your DBro can just get on with being a father.

5.30 isn't exactly a hardship, most normal people get up between 5 and 6 to get ready for work

katiecubs Fri 07-Dec-12 21:17:58

Er what no - you are doing her the favour. Get her to bring the baby to you - why does she have a problem doing that anyway?

katiecubs Fri 07-Dec-12 21:19:26

Holly why is she being unreasonable to think SIL should deliver baby so it's convenient for her??? She is the one doing the favour - it's mad.

PinkFairyDust Fri 07-Dec-12 21:22:19

does your brother work full time to?
How old is baby?

Most normal people get up between 5.30 and 6 anyway?!

No they don't.

WinklyVersusTheZombies Fri 07-Dec-12 21:24:17

Every time I've ever babysat, I went to the child's home.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:26:51

She has a problem taking the baby out anywhere.. She only goes out with my brother (and then insists on a taxi) because she says its too much hard work with the baby alone and on public transport.

He is up at 5.30 looking after baby. Goes to work for 9, finishes at 7, gets any shopping needed on way home and then goes home to cook dinner (and then does the dishes, because she says "i dont do dishes". She occasionally cooks. They get a lot of take aways though.. So he isnt cooking every night.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:28:55

baby is 3 months

katiecubs Fri 07-Dec-12 21:30:06

Is she depressed? It doesn't sound very healthy TBH.

ifyouknowme Fri 07-Dec-12 21:30:24

A 3 month old I think YABU, it's still very little.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:31:00

Winkly, when I have baby sat in the past, before I had my own child, I went to the childs home.. But I now have my own child to look after! I dont think its fair on him (or me) to be stuck in a flat full of breakables (and clutter) where he can hurt himself, or break their things, in the day when he is used to being out in the park, or playground, or playgroups, or the library, or somewhere else baby friendly!!

RainbowsFriend Fri 07-Dec-12 21:31:25

Maybe she needs to get a sling as then public transport with a baby is a complete doddle.

personally I think 11pm - 5am sleep would be bliss, and they just need to take it in turns. Tel your DB to man up and tell her to give him a lie in at the weekends.

(DD 18 months still wakes every 2 hours during the night - never slept more than 3 hours in a row)

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:32:39

I see 3 months old at the playgroups I go to every time!!! I think its strange to keep your 3 month old at home. I have hundreds of photos with my DS out in the park at that age, looking at the ducks and trees.. I took him to play groups and anywhere to get a change of scenery, different sounds and fresh air.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark Fri 07-Dec-12 21:32:47

YAB a bit harsh. 3 months is still really early days for some people. Don't think your db's day sounds particularly harsh tbh.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark Fri 07-Dec-12 21:35:25

Now you're sounding a bit judgey - just cause you went out loads with your baby doesn't mean she/they have to

RainbowsFriend Fri 07-Dec-12 21:36:22

I must say though that when DD was 3 months I was still letting DP do most of the cooking (or get take outs) as by dinner time every evening she would be clusterfeeding, and at that time I had not yet got the hang of feeding in the sling hands free...

ifyouknowme Fri 07-Dec-12 21:36:31

Yes, you took him... not your SIL, it's nerve wracking enough leaving your baby with someone else at 3 months! Give her time to find her feet.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:37:57

She has a sling!

I think she is a bit lazy to be honest.

The baby is lovely, a really calm happy child.

She is always saying its some elses turn the change the nappy - for me I loved changing my DSs nappy - it was time where I could talk or sing to him. The only time I did find it hard work was at about 9 months when he wanted to escape!!

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:38:41

She has left the baby with lots of people!

lola88 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:39:55

YANBU if you were childless going to her would be fine but you have a 2YO why should he miss out on his group to suit her. She brings the baby or you can't babysit simple

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:40:20

The problem is not with me taking her to a playgroup, its with her having to bring the baby out alone without my brother to help.

I think YANBU. If I'm asking somebody to babysit as a favour I deliver dcs to them (unless it's bedtime babysitting where obv they need to be at home).

As for the judginess of her not taking baby out. It can be incredibly overwhelming and just because you found it ok does not mean your SIL does so for that YABU.

WinklyVersusTheZombies Fri 07-Dec-12 21:41:29

If you went to the child's home in the past when you babysat, why would you think the rules had changed? Yu shouldn't have offered to babysit, you could have offered to have them leave the baby with you some time, which IMO is a different thing.

Could you not take the baby and your toddler out together to the park or library or something?

RainbowsFriend Fri 07-Dec-12 21:42:23

You've got a point then, but you are being a bit judgy. I am also judging as well as she should be making an effort to get out and about at least, and should not be leaving her baby with all and sundry

FutTheShuckUp Fri 07-Dec-12 21:43:12

You sound like you are using this as a reason to judge and berate her. That's just not cricket

I see where you're coming from, but I would just butt out and leave them to it. It's up to you DBro to sort it out with his wife, maybe he wants to do all this, maybe he enjoys providing for them in this way.

You offered to babysit but DSIL wanted you to come to her house, that wasn't convenient, so no babysitting. That seems fine to me. I'd continue to offer but just say that you're usually out and about with your toddler but happy to have the baby at your house if they'd like you to.

I wouldn't worry further about it. FWIW DD and I didn't really go out much when she was little as we struggled to BF so I was quite anxious about that. Plus I don't really like small talk so baby groups were pretty stressful too.

ifyouknowme Fri 07-Dec-12 21:44:41

Eh, I can see where you are coming from- she needs to start doing it herself but 3 months is still so new.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:44:59

If you look at what I posted, I offered to take the baby to give my brother a rest. I did not offer to babysit in their flat! I would never offer to be in their flat with a 2 year old.

TheSecondComing Fri 07-Dec-12 21:46:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock Fri 07-Dec-12 21:48:09

God, you sound awful judgey, - you think she's lazy, you loved changing nappies, she doesn't do dishes, she doesn't take the baby out enough.

So your brother gets up at 5.30am, goes to work, picks up a few bits and pieces on the way home, cooks dinner and then does the dishes. Sounds like he's doing alright. Surely your 2 year old can cope for a few hours in someone elses cramped flat?

whois Fri 07-Dec-12 21:48:56

YANBU

If he wants babysitting she can bring him to you.

Also: Most normal people get up between 5.30 and 6 anywa!
No they fucking well do not! The only people who get up at that time are shift workers, traders/brokers with a commute or people who are mental.

Aspiemum2 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:54:33

I think you're being a bit mean. You offered, they didn't ask. If you already know that she finds it stressful to leave the house with the baby then you should maybe have expected her to want you to babysit there.

It's not much of a break if she has to cart the baby and all the stuff over on public transport if she finds that overwhelming.

She is probably finding it all a bit much still. If your db had some paternity leave and she then had quite a bit of help then she's probably not found 'her groove' yet so is still finding things daunting.

Be kind to her, she's a new mum and you do come across as quite critical of her.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 07-Dec-12 21:55:26

YANBU.

A lot of people get up at 5.30am for work, I do, DP does and so do all my colleagues.

If she was uneasy about leaving the baby, she wouldn't be 'going to town' without him/her. As OP has said, she has left the baby before.

As for your DB, there is being supportive and a good father and husbands but this is bordering on dormat.

She sounds lazy, wants everyone to run around and do everything for her 'because she has had a baby'.

They both need to man up so to speak.

INeedThatForkOff Fri 07-Dec-12 22:00:43

YANBU about the babysitting, but the rest is none if your business. You're using it as an opportunity to bitch.

Fairylea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:02:10

Sorry I stopped reading when I got to the part moaning about getting up at 5.30 everyday.... I get up with 6 month old ds every fucking day at 4.30am.

Yanbu. Sil is being unreasonable. Very.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:04:20

Im not using it as an opportunity to bitch maybe I am a little bit these things have been coming up because of peoples suggestions..

notmyproblem Fri 07-Dec-12 22:19:12

OP, it's all about you, isn't it? And your dear bro. Certainly your SIL is just the vessel that carried and bore your DN, what she thinks and feels doesn't matter. hmm

Let me guess, you never really liked her, she's not good enough for your brother, she doesn't fit in with your family?

Here's any idea: mind your own business. It's their family, not yours. Their baby, not yours. Their lives, not yours.

flow4 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:28:39

If the baby is "lovely, a really calm happy child" then whatever your SIL is doing is right for her DC! smile

I think it's just a question of deciding whether or not you want to help her and your FB. If you don't want to, don't. If you do, why not talk to her and see if you cam compromise... smile

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:28:42

Not really, I actually quite like her. Think recent behavior hasnt been great, but its been me saying that pregnancy can mess up your head for a while and to give her a break.

However, that my brother is willing to run around after, doesnt mean I should be.

Its not all about me, its all about my son actually. Im not dropping everything to accomodate someone that wants evertything their way because they have a new baby. I have been through the whole new born thing, plus baby and toddler thing over the last 2 years, and (through my own choice) did not ask anyone to come and sit in my house while I went out without my child.. On top of that, I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, so I know all about being tired, on top of the normal tiredness of looking after a child.

So anyway "notmyproblem" I shall go with your idea of not my baby, not my life, and let them get on with it. You are truly inspirational!

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:30:17

flow4, I did want to compromise, said I would meet her at the place she was going, then drop the baby back for her to take home. She didnt want that.

honeytea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:31:56

YANBU

I would just retract the offer of babysitting, SIL is being unreasonable refusing to leave the house without your DB, that can't really continue can it?

If most people get up at 5.30 what are the tv companies thinking putting popular things on after 10? Are we not supposed ot aim for at least 7 hours sleep?

honeytea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:33:50

If it was all about you oaks you would stay in and have a nice long bubble bath not offer to look after a aditional child, I think you are very kind to try and help them out.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 07-Dec-12 22:35:11

Honeytea excellent point re TV.

There are only so many episodes of Friends I can watch....

flow4 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:38:24

A compromise is something both people can agree on, oaks. smile If she doesn't want that, it won't work. Can you try something else? Or explain to her why coming to her place won't work for your toddler?

TheDetective Fri 07-Dec-12 22:38:39

What notmyproblem said.

Getting out with a baby is a mammoth task sometimes. It is easier for her if she can go out and get what she needs to do done, without carting the baby out too. I get where she is coming from.

And she doesn't sound lazy from what you describe. 3 month old baby, sleep deprivation...? Give her a break.

My DP will be doing what your brother does, AND more. Because he has to as part of this family. We all pull our weight. Going out to work, getting food shopping and cooking tea does not equate to pulling his share tbh.

Lafaminute Fri 07-Dec-12 22:43:25

When my first baby was 6 weeks old I had to go to the nearest town (an hour and a halfs drive away) to collect some well meaning friends from the train (so they could come and see the baby) I can still - 10 years on - remember the terror of being solely responsible for a small baby miles from home but you know, in hindsight, it was the best thing for me. It has to happen at some stage but on the other hand you can't force someone who isn't ready. I don't think yabu but I do think it would be better for you to let go a bit: let her know you'd be thrilled - and well able - to mind her baby but in your home - when she's ready she'll give it a go. Until then, don't take her reluctance to venture out personally.

forevergreek Fri 07-Dec-12 22:43:33

Just reinstate your offer is there if they want baby to join you and you little one out but not trapped inside. I don't even stay in our own flat all morning let alone someone else's

5.30-6 is a v common wake time around here ( London), I live v close to work but start work at 7.30am ( finish 7pm), so I get up 6.30am, but many others have a long commute so would easily be up at half 5

JessePinkman Fri 07-Dec-12 22:44:17

If you had a childminder that you paid to look after your dc you would drop them off there.

If somebody offers you free childcare to give you a break, I think it would be fair for you to drop them off too.

If she wants the rest enough she would drop him off.

YANBU

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller Fri 07-Dec-12 22:48:51

YANBU - getting out with one baby is not in fact in any shape or form a mammoth task at all and you are offering to help, and are not a paid babysitter or nanny to her baby so she should work around you a bit if she wants your help but it can seem psychologically, to be a mammoth task to get a baby out of the house, to somebody who has not got their head around it yet... so probably she is NBU either - she is being sleep deprived and probably struggling and a bit overwhelmed ...

My toddler still doesn't sleep so I can sympathise hugely with what sleep deprivation does, and how it explains mild to moderate undreasonable (and unseasonable) ness... though actually 11pm til 5am is an absolutely reasonable night's sleep for a parent of any child under 2 IMO... but it's what you're used to and all that... it has always baffled me how some mums of one baby find it so hard to get out of the door - really, pack the changing bag the night before...

Or does she want you at hers before she leaves to watch the baby while she showers? Some babies are un-putdownable unless you like listening to hysterical tiny baby screaming, if that is the case she should explain it to you, and toddler-proof her flat (or get your DB to) to make babysitting at hers more realistic!

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:48:53

BTW flow4: you said: "If the baby is "lovely, a really calm happy child" then whatever your SIL is doing is right for her DC!

Does that mean anyone that has a child that doesnt sleep 6/7 hours through the night and cries a lot is a bad mother?! smile

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Fri 07-Dec-12 22:53:47

YANBU to not want to spend time in her flat when it isn't a good place for your DS to be.

She does sound lazy, spoilt & a PITA - but possibly she also have PND and genuinely cannot face going out without your DB, which is actually really sad.

Is there another compromise here? Could you go and pick them up, drop her in town then your brother pick them up from yours after work?

wonderstuff Fri 07-Dec-12 22:54:23

I think if she can't fit in with your plans then you don't babysit for her. I do think that if she can't leave her small flat without your db then I would be worried that she is depressed/overwhelmed. 3mo are pretty portable. When my first was that age dh was doing all the housework - she fed constantly and was awake half the night. I think that its easy to judge, but she and your brother have to figure out what's fair between them.

Baby sleeps from 11 and her dh gets up in the morning so she can lie in. Doesn't sound like sleep deprivation to me.

<looks at 19 month old ds3 who is up, yet again>

flow4 Fri 07-Dec-12 23:02:00

Of course not, as I'm sure you know!

Bunbaker Fri 07-Dec-12 23:02:08

"most normal people get up between 5 and 6"

No they don't.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 23:02:17

We have visited her quite a bit, and every time I say "come to ours for the day, there is more space and you can come to our playgroups" the response is that she cant get out with the baby. It turns out that she has been out with the baby to the shopping center (10 min walk, but she takes a taxi) - which I only found out about recently.

I have said to her before that its good to get out (for her and baby) - she said in the past she gets home from work on friday, and doesnt go back out till monday (back to work). So I think she likes being at home - so not necessarily a sign of depression..

I love being outside, parks, museums, markets.. I really love walking so Im just a different sort of person to her.

She has booked a 10 hour flight next month for a months holiday to see her family (she is travelling one way alone, the other way with my DB) -- so I think when she wants something, she does it.

I feel in this instance that she feels we ought to be doing as she asks as she has a newborn. I think its unreasonable!

I am judging, but from my own standards, I wouldnt expect someone to come to my flat with their child to babysit.

fosterdream Fri 07-Dec-12 23:04:50

This is how my SIL thought of me. Oh how wrong she was! She thought he did everything while in fact I did 90% of everything. He enjoyed feeding my DD1 (Brest bump) and bathing her whilst I cooked and washed up.

I'm sure your DB, her DH and the child's father loves been with his child. If he didn't want to do what he does why would he? My DH is great dad and realized how good he had it when our DDs were newborns! He only had it easy because I've never needed much sleep. With DD2 I had more energy than ever even after a difficult pregnancy and that was with a baby that wouldn't let me leave her side unbeknown to us and GP she was very ill and a toddler.

jumpingjane Fri 07-Dec-12 23:12:41

Just say no to the babysitting.

RubyrooUK Fri 07-Dec-12 23:19:45

I don't think it's being unreasonable not to go over to your SIL to babysit if you can't make it work. Just say so. That is totally fine and you shouldn't feel bad.

But I also think it's fine for her to parent in a different way to you. I also don't think your brother sounds like he is running around after her - if she has the baby all day, getting up at 5:30 and working 9-7 sounds pretty standard to me.

And he cooks a bit, so what? My DH always thought when I was on maternity leave that my job was looking after the baby, not being the housekeeper, so didn't expect his dinner on the table.

You keep mentioning that she has had a lot of time without the baby. Are you a bit jealous that you think she is getting an easier ride than you had?

I occasionally used to get flashes of this with my SIL who lives near both sets of parents and has a sleepy baby who is happy to take a bottle. Meanwhile I had a velcro baby who would breastfeed eight times a night. But I do realise that we just have different situations and that is my problem, not really hers!

Rudolphstolemycarrots Fri 07-Dec-12 23:20:55

well shes a very new mum, cut her some slack. sounds like she needs a bit off support at the moment. It's perfectly normal for a man to do chores at home and the fact the baby is so young means he should be doing more to allow wife some respite.

We all wake at 7 here.

CoolaYuleA Sat 08-Dec-12 00:23:11

"My brother looked exhausted" - so do the vast majority of people with a three month old. You do come across as very judgey.

YANBU about the babysitting. YABU about pretty much everything else you have said. You also sound a little superior....

flow4 Sat 08-Dec-12 03:53:03

If she didn't go out much before, then I agree PND is less likely, but still maybe depression and/or agoraphobia.

If the only place she has been alone with the baby is the shopping centre, and the only other place she is planning to go is an airport, then she is clearly very stressed and/or fearful indeed, poor thing.

If she has booked a ten hour flight to see her family, then they are obviously a very long way away. Is this the first time she's seen them since the baby was born? She may be feeling very lonely and isolated without her own mum/dad/family around to help and support her, and to share those special (but difficult) first weeks with a new baby.

I'm starting to feel rather sorry for your SIL.

You are not unreasonable to explain why her flat is difficult (or even impossible) with your toddler. But it really sounds like she needs your support oaks, not your judgement.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 08-Dec-12 04:51:54

Offering to take the baby is support.

But that (very generous) offer has been turned into an unreasonable demand that the OP must sit in her brother's flat for hours with a toddler and a baby.

oaks2012 - just make it clear that your offer still stands but that you won't be sitting in their flat with your toddler.

She can accept the help you're offering, or reject it. That's up to her.

So, she's far away from her family and feeling a bit stressed. She doesn't enjoy nappies hmm and you do hmm. Your DB is tired with a new baby and is expected to do some housework. Honestly, I am not exaggerating, I would hate to be in her position and wouldn't think a lot of your attitude if you were my SIL. My SIL, thank fuck, tells me all her shit mother stories about how crap she was to make me feel better, has never judged me and helps tonnes.

BTW I would have killed puppies to get 11pm-5am at that age (and a year later).

flow4 Sat 08-Dec-12 05:15:05

I take your point SRIYL, but sometimes if a friend or relative is especially vulnerable - and it sounds like this woman is - then if you really want to help, it's kinder and more useful to offer support on their terms rather than yours.

If the OP didn't have a toddler, I'd be saying, "Oh go onnnn, go to her flat if that's what she wants". But she does have a toddler, and so she/they also have needs to take into account, and the OP says going to the flat isn't practical...

So it is a tricky situation (IMO) and no-one is BU or 'in the wrong'... I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. I think what she has suggested sounds like a good plan, personally. But maybe it seems overwhelming to her SIL.

I can remember feeling totally overwhelmed by trips out with a baby, so I feel sympathy for SIL, and if I were the OP, I'd be looking for some other way I could arrange things, so that I could help. Perhaps collecting the baby and going to a soft play place near their flat...? Or having her another time, when DB/baby's DF could bring her to yours...? Or taking her out somewhere with the baby...?

ChristmasSpiritEndorphins Sat 08-Dec-12 06:24:30

OP, you are doing her a favour, I say it's her choice, take it or leave it.

Good grief, the judginess on this thread!!!!!

OP, you are not being remotely unreasonable! You offered to look after the baby, but doing so at her flat doesn't work, so say so!

The offer of help is there, but it has to be in a way that's feasible for you.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 08-Dec-12 08:14:20

I'm not sure how vulnerable she is if she's capable of making such unreasonable demands of people.

I found getting out with a baby very hard work too, and I've every sympathy with that feeling of being overwhelmed, but what she's asking of the OP is really unfair.

bbface Sat 08-Dec-12 08:28:01

Op, it sounds like you do not like her. Period. And this dislike is stopping you from going out of your way. Absolutely agree that she is being unreasonable asking you to take yourself and toddler over to her place, but if it was my sis, sil or close friend with a three month old asking me to do this as she doesn't like going out on her own.... I would be there like a whippet. Not like this is a regular occurrence, so what is the big deal about making an exception and skipping playground.

And please stop comparing her to you... I.e. I liked to change nappies, she doesn't. I liked to take my baby out for walks, she doesn't. It is horrid.

If this is her first child, it sounds as though she is worried she won't cope, taking the baby out on her own.
Maybe she is finding it a bit difficult and overwhelming?
It's hard work and especially when it's your first, you get worried about things.

aamia Sat 08-Dec-12 08:53:21

Does sound like she might have pnd.

For comparison, I have a 3 month old (just) and we've been going out daily since he was 3 days old. At first that was just for a ten minute walk, but I started riding my horses again at 2 weeks, and he's been out shopping etc from very early on.

From 2 months old he was dropped at my friend's house for an afternoon a week (so I could ride and so he could get used to her as she'll have him when I go back to work). She often takes him into town as he gets bored indoors. I'm part way through my xmas shopping - he goes in his sling, I shop. It's a little more awkward than not having him, but we manage!

I'm bfing so do all the night feeds (DS sleeps for one 4 hour stretch but then feeds every 2 hours). DH gets up at 5.30am for work anyway and I try to encourage him to do a nappy change at that point but he often forgets.

Yes it's tiring, and there are days when we do nothing at all because he's having a growth spurt and feeds every hour, but those are rare and he loves to be out and about, seeing new things.

aamia Sat 08-Dec-12 08:55:16

Oh and to add - this is my first child, I have no family support (they live abroad).

oaks2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 09:39:27

CoolaYuleA Okay, so she looks fine, my brother looks exhausted. Looks ill actually, Ive never seen him look like this. Bulging, red, puffy eyes, skin looks sunken. Maybe there is something else wrong with him? I think its lovely men pull their weight, I was just alarmed with how he looked. I hadnt visited them when he was there as she always has wanted me there in the day, so hadnt seen him for weeks. It came as a shock to see him like that - so maybe I didnt emphasize that enough. I dont see how thinking my brother looks tired makes me judgey?!!

poster fosterdream I didnt say my brother does everything, and she does nothing. He does a lot, which I dont think is a bad thing, but I have never seen him looking so run down and unwell. He doesnt resent it at all, he adores the child.

poster RubyrooUK I m not at all jealous, I havent spent any time without my DS (except two times in hospital, cancer treatment & surgery).. But that is MY choice. Ive mentioned she has had a lot of time without the baby because people keep saying she is a new mum so doesnt want the baby left with me at a playgroup/strange place. Thats the reason its mentioned. I dont feel she has had an easier ride at all. To be honest, my DS was an unbelievably good baby, and I enjoyed pretty much everything (I found the starting to get mobile bit hard, and a 2 year old is definitely very challenging in comparison).

I dont feel she has it easier, or I had it easier. We just had different experiences. If anyone feels someone had it easier, its the other way round (for example, I have been told it was easier for me as it was easy for me to produce milk.. I wont continue with other things sais as I am SURE I will be accused of bitching again!!!)

flow4 Her extended family (cousins, aunts) are 10 hours away. Mum, dad and siblings are here. Mum stayed at the house for first 2 months, siblings each do a day a week there. I am told about how great siblings are everytime I visit, and how many times they have been since I last visited. I dont visit once a week, I do find it hard work. Invite to come here is open though, as much as she wants.

Also, I suggested taking baby and her out. Says they will see parks and animals and outside when they go on holiday. Its too cold here for a baby..

aamia - FOR GODS SAKE, dont mention that you take your baby out!! They will jump on you for comparing.. ;) Well done by the way, you really sound like you are getting along with it. I was the same about getting out and showing the baby things.. Certanly wouldnt fancy the horse riding tho :S Since having a baby anything even moderately adventurous is well OFF my list!!! to be fair I was a wimp before as well

Adversecalendar Sat 08-Dec-12 09:51:48

I think she has PND as well, I did and certainly not wanting to go anywhere without your dbro sounds worrying. You did come across as smug with your I loved changing nappies but if women are quite ill with PND they can end up not wanting to bathe, do nappies etc. they can also end up with other extreme behaviour which is what I had which was I didn't feel as if I could put my DS down.

I also don't think getting up at 5.30 is normal to get ready for work, for some yes, not me thank God.

oaks2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 09:56:42

And you know what I find hard as well..

I feel she has been unreasonable and expects people to be running round after her since having the baby - however, Ive been holding this in, and defending her & saying shes got to get over all the crazy pregnancy hormones (to my mum who doesnt think highly of her). I come on here to "release" a little bit to people that dont know me or her - and I get a load of shit from, what seem to be some very judgy people, saying I am being judgy!! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

(and thank you to all the reasonable people, not just the ones who have agreed with me, but the ones who have been balanced and said their opinion with out telling me I am jealous, I think she has had it easier than me, that I am a bitch, and that I am judgy!)

oaks2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:01:29

Adversecalendar - The point is that she TELLS me she cant get out of the flat with out my DB, but in fact, she has been out, I feel its an excuse for me to go to her. I said maybe she could thinking about getting a smaller, easier to manage pram (she says the pram is too bulky for her to get out of the flat) however, she replied "this is the royals royce of buggys, im not getting a different one".

oaks2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:03:24

Im not a pushy person, I will quietly make a suggestion, and if its not listened to - I just leave whoever it is Im talking to to do it their way. I just feel in this instance Im being bullied and guilt tripped into things.

ifyouknowme Sat 08-Dec-12 10:19:19

Why on earth did you post here if you didn't want to be told you're being unreasonable? You sound like you've got a lot on your plate, and I hope you are okay, but you seem to be really against yourSIL when she has a brand new baby, is 10 hours away from home and her MIL doesn't like her.

oaks2012 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:24:32

I dont mind being told Im being unreasonable - but all the other things arent really necessary are they?! There have been people that have said that I should cut her some slack, which I probably needed to hear.. But its hard to see at the moment. The people in here that have said all the other things are just behaving exactly the way they are accusing me of behaving!!!

Ive learnt my lesson about posting in here tho!!

flow4 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:30:55

oaks, you really don't want to do this for your SIL, and you have good reasons... So just don't. I don't think YABU, but even if you are, it doesn't matter. If you don't want to do something thismuch, don't do it. It won't be good for anyone.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 08-Dec-12 10:44:44

She is not 10 hours from home.

Her immediate family live nearby and seem to have a weekly rota of helping her out.

But she needs the OP to dance attendance too. hmm

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Sat 08-Dec-12 11:01:23

The SIL is not 10 hours away from home.

Her extended family (cousins, aunts) are 10 hours away. Mum, dad and siblings are here. Mum stayed at the house for first 2 months, siblings each do a day a week there.

OP YANBU to not want to baby sit at theirs.

RubyrooUK Sat 08-Dec-12 13:54:16

Fair enough oaks I wasn't trying to offend you by asking if you were jealous - it just sounded like you were really annoyed about a lot of things to do with your SIL and that was how it read to me.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Sat 08-Dec-12 14:41:25

You know what OP, I posted upthread - YANBU

After your later posts - YANBU still.

I don't see how you're being a bitch tbh.

Oh and not every lazy person is depressed.

I'm lazy and I'm not depressed.

cinders005 Sat 08-Dec-12 15:09:16

YANBU. SIL seems really needy. No way would I expect dp/h to get up at 5.30 to give me a rest. If I slept 11 till 5.30 I would be in heaven. (have a 3 month old too)
You are very kind to help. She should work around you.

cinders005 Sat 08-Dec-12 15:10:05

Obviously she could have pnd.

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