To say no you can't come to visit on Christmas morning?

(54 Posts)
MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 20:50:22

Sorry, another Christmas one!!

We are having MIL over for dinner this year, absolutely fine, I will love having her and DH and the DDs will too, not a problem to take her.

BUT it was dictated that we would take her from SIL, ie "we had her last year and other SIL the year before so its your turn", again, ok fine fair enough, my issue here is she can't stay away from her house any other day of the year. I should point put she isn't elderly, doesn't need looking after so no

The plan was then to see my family on Boxing Day, it's a bit of a drive to go to them anyway and try be back to make Christmas dinner.

The previous years we've had DHs family over for brunch before heading to my mums so that we can see everyone and as we weren't preparing a dinner in our house it only seemed fair. Ive also went to mass on Christmas Eve knowing his family would be over early in the morning.

SIL has just informed me that they'll be coming to ours again in the morning so they can all see MIL at the one time. So that will be 7 adults and 5 children under 4 whilst I am trying to prepare Christmas dinner. I also wanted the family to go to mass together on Christmas Day seeing as we'll be staying close to home this year.

Would I be unseasonable to say no you can't come over on Christmas morning?

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 20:51:15

Sorry!! sIL can't stay away from MILs house

She's not elderly and doesn't need lo

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 20:52:05

Arghhhh

Doesn't need looking after so no one HAS to take her. We are happy to have her over.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 06-Dec-12 20:54:49

Just say' Sorry, we've already made other plans'.

WelshMaenad Thu 06-Dec-12 20:54:57

YANBU. Why doesn't she host a brunch and have your MIL over in the morning if she's so keen to have a get together?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 20:56:18

Am struggling a bit to understand your post

Your MIL is coming to yours on Xmas Day, but you don't want the rest of the family visit her at your house on the day ?

I don't get the references to Xmas Eve mass and stuff for Boxing Day then

Sorry, am not having a go

YouOldSlag Thu 06-Dec-12 20:56:39

It's great that you are happy to have her. I hear so much MIL bashing I dread being one!

If this is the ONLY time they can all see her, then YABU, just hide in the kitchen for an hour and give them some mince pies.

If this is the second time they are seeing her, why not get DH to drive her over to SIL's for an hour before bringing her back to yours for lunch?

WipsGlitter Thu 06-Dec-12 21:00:06

I don't get the reference to Boxing Day?

I think you can still go to mass, have people over and cook dinner. It's pretty much what we did/do. Get everyone to pitch in with brunch stuff.

I don't get the references to Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? So in a nutshell, your SIL and her family want to come to yours on Christmas morning to see your MIL?

Why can't your MIL call into your SIL's on her way over to yours?

It all sounds fine except the SIL told you to have MIL and told you she would be coming in the morning on Christmas. No one tells me who is invited to MY house. Tell her to bugger off.

buggerama Thu 06-Dec-12 21:03:25

I am confused too. I have tried rereading it and I still dont get it

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:03:37

Sorry AnyFucker (I feel rude writing that)my post is a bit jumbled, I wrote it on my iPhone.

She suggested it so they can all see MIL at the one time without her having to travel about. I could understand that if we all didn't live 5 minutes from each other.

The past two years I planned my Christmas Day around them so we could all see each other, I would have preferred to go to mass with the family on Christmas morning but went alone on Christmas Eve as I knew we were doing brunch.

It's chaos, they don't lift a finger (except MIL) there is wrapping paper flying about everywhere and they expect teas/coffees biscuits etc so the place is a riot when they leave. This hasn't bothered me the past two years as we left the mess and tidied it up later but this year I'll need to prepare dinner.

I am postponing seeing my family til Boxing Day so I don't understand why they can't postpone theirs.

Santasapunkatheart Thu 06-Dec-12 21:04:14

You are having your MIL for dinner?!!

We prefer salmon or turkey.

Seriously though, have a glass of champers and relax.

It's CHRISTMAS!!!

lapsedorienteerer Thu 06-Dec-12 21:06:11

err.....confused, Christmas Day normally comes before Boxing Day I think?........as she 'doesn't need looking after'.....what's the problem?

Kamer Thu 06-Dec-12 21:06:42

YANBU, say it would be lovely to all get together, how about Christmas Eve/27th or whatever time close to xmas suits you, xmas morning doesn't work for us.

whattodoo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:06:44

Why can't you just tell her you'll not be in as you're going to Christmas Mass?

Totally reasonable to tell her you will be at mass as its not a year for brunch.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:08:56

I think you are overthinking it

and I am trying to understand your post, really I am

if you don't want to host your MIL at your SIL's demand...don't

you could always try inviting her under your own steam...just a thought

if you don't want to be descended on when you are busy...don't

you can actually do what you want...a novel idea I believe

Misty9 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:09:24

What does your mil want to do?

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:10:33

I want to say we'll not be in but DH doesn't like to upset people so thinks we should just miss mass (basically I go myself again on Christmas Eve) and have them over.

I've also never cooked a Christmas dinner before so would rather concentrate on that than entertaining the masses. We don't have a huge house so it's quite difficult to fit people in at the best of times.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 06-Dec-12 21:11:53

So let's get this straight. You invited MIL for Xmas dinner, the idea being that she would go home that night & you would go to your folks on Boxing day. Now your SIL has invited herself & her DCs to your house on Xmas day morning purely so they can see MIL. Is it unthinkable for them not to meet up on Xmas day? If so, couldn't MIL go to their house/they come & pick her up from yours on Xmas day afternoon? Is part of the problem that you feel you are always the ones to put yourself out around Xmas plans and here it is happening again?

DamnBamboo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:12:23

Your post makes no sense.

Two line summary please, what exactly is your problem?

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:12:47

I actually don't know what MIL wants. I feel sorry for her actually, we've only just found out DH is off and I specifically said if he was working I wasn't cooking (I'm not great) but neither of her daughters said "oh if he's working you can come to us"

marriedinwhite Thu 06-Dec-12 21:13:46

Totally confused but you are inviting them to yours - for that part of it they flow with your rules. Thank God she's coming for Xmas day. Mine's coming on the 22nd and staying until the 29th and is an "old bag" to boot. Have done it like that for the last 22 years - except of course fil died five years ago sad - he was the nicer one. Fancy swapping OP. Mine counts potatoes shock

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 06-Dec-12 21:13:48

If you want to go to mass, then I'd guess you are religious. I think the baby Jesus would be happier if you welcomed your family with open loving arms on his Birthday.

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:14:08

*walkacrossthesand" you've got it in one, well done deciphering my posts smile

AIBU moves too fast!

Walk's is a good summary. OP wants to go to Mass as a family and the SIL invited herself over the morning of Xmas so OP can't go to Mass then. Also, SIL is a gobby, bossy, lazy baggage and the OP doesn't want her there.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:14:50

you go again on Xmas Eve ????

Xmas Eve is before Xmas Day

so go Xmas Eve for yourself

or tell your SIL she is not in charge...it's a stretch, I know

Misty9 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:15:16

I'd get your dh to find out what his dm wants to do. As for Christmas dinner, think roast but bit bigger smile

lapsedorienteerer Thu 06-Dec-12 21:15:43

OK, I tried to understand this but clearly am a 'bear of little brains'. My brain is bulging with own Christmas plan so must leave thread now grin.

DamnBamboo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:16:26

Ok, I think I get it. Tell SIL that they can host MIL at one of theirs first things for tea/mince pies etc.. whilst you and your family go to mass.
Then you will collect MIL on your way home from mass.

HeathRobinson Thu 06-Dec-12 21:21:03

I found it the op easy to understand. confused

YANBU. Just tell her you've already made plans. You've been very accommodating at other times, put your foot down now.

Selim Thu 06-Dec-12 21:21:57

I get it too and I would do what Bamboo says.

If you are going to be out then SIL can't come, obviously.

simplesusan Thu 06-Dec-12 21:22:17

I think you should tell your sil that she cannot come round on Christmas Day. Tell her that you have made plans for all the family and you will be out-at mass.
If she is that desperate to see her mother then she can get up really early on christmas morning and drive to see her before she leaves for your house.

I understand exactly where you are coming from as I have been made to feel like I am running some sort of luxury 5 star hotel for paying guests, when in actual fact, I am running around after lazy in laws instaed of enjoying Christmas in my own home.
Just say no and stick to it. Let them take their kids elsewhere.

simplesusan Thu 06-Dec-12 21:23:46

x post with DamBamboo- excellent idea!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:26:05

if I was your MIL I would be pretty fucking offended at being treated like the hot potato nobody wanted to handle for very long

if she has any sense, she'll get an M+S roast dinner for one and a bottle of wine, host herself in her own home and fuck the lot of ya

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:26:13

Thanks all, I think I'm going to do what bamboo suggested and say we'll pick MIL up after mass, perfect! We're not saying she can't come to ours so she can't get her knickers in a twist.

smile

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:27:49

No, no!! I want MIL there, I don't want everyone else. My MIL is lovely.

I think you made that clear in the OP, actually!

naturalbaby Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:06

So you've got 2 SIl's with various kids who want to be at yours on Christmas morning because your MIL will be there?

It's only fair that they get to see their mother on Christmas day - what other day are they seeing her? If they want to see her that much then they should have her to stay at theirs.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:32:10

when I am in my dotage, if I thought having to "have me" was causing arguments among my relatives at xmas, I would bang all your heads together and stay in my own home

Op, stop whinging and stand up for yourself

and talking in terms of your MIL "not getting her knickers in a twist" about something you do or don't do is not a mark of respect, really

We3bunniesOfOrientAre Thu 06-Dec-12 21:33:03

Or suggest that SIL joins you and the family for Mass? Why should your dh have to miss mass because it doesn't fit with SIL plans. After all, that is kind of the point of Christmas. Or suggest that they come over in the afternoon once most of the presents are done.

DontmindifIdo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:37:20

Right, this is like so many threads on here right now, and I always say the same thing, you are a grown up, you get to decide who is in your house and what you do.

So, tell your SIL you are going to Mass on Christmas morning so won't be in to host a big family brunch, if she wants to do it, you'll drive past after mass to collect MIL, who'll then eat Christmas dinner with you. She then goes back to her own house (who is driving her home or are you booking a taxi - book it in advance!) on Christmas night and you drive to your parents on Boxing day.

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:38:20

Oh AnyFucker, I'm not arguing about having MIL, and the knickers in a twist referred to SIL.

I would have MIL over every day of the week, she's a fantastic woman.

DH and his family aren't religious, he attends mass with the DDs and I as he supports me in raising then RC.

DontmindifIdo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:41:31

BTW - i do think it's the height of rudeness to think you have a right to tell other adults what they will and will not do in their own home just because they've invited someone to eat a meal with them.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:42:10

Ah, my apologies. the knickers not to get twisted are SIL's, not MIL's. Sorry.

Do you take my point though? Stop pissing about and tell your SIL how it is going to be. End of. Your MIL doesn't need to know there is any friction. Not standing up for yourself nurtures frustration and resentment and she will pick up on it.

lovebunny Thu 06-Dec-12 21:42:24

what a mess. how about:

mother in law comes round/is collected. you all go to mass. you make and eat dinner.

sister in law and a load of hangers on come for a cup of tea after lunch.

simplesusan Thu 06-Dec-12 21:48:37

Lovebunny-I don't think sil will be content with"a cup of tea," she sounds like a freeloader and op has already said does nothing to help.
I wouldn't invite her tbh but then again I speak from experience as being the mug doing all the running around whilst others are waited on hand and foot.

DontmindifIdo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:57:22

Thing is, why should the OP have to host a whole pile of people because she's agreed to host 1? If the SIL wants a big family get together, she should be prepared to do it herself, if they OP wanted to host a big do, then fine, but telling someone else they have to host a big get together isn't on.

As well as us, we've got 4 coming for Christmas dinner, plus possibly an extra 2 - 4, but I've invited them, it's my choice to do all that work - and it's going to cost over £200 on food only for the one day. Big family get togethers are lovely for the guests, but when those guests are just focussing on enjoying themselves, it's can be horrible for the host who is to busy running around looking after everyone to actually enjoy the day, and I don't see that the OP has any less right to enjoy Christmas day than the others.

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 22:02:04

I think I am definitely going to go with "we'll be at mass and will pick MIL up after" that way we can pop in, half hour max then come home and prepare dinner.

You're right anyfucker I totally see your point, but Its difficult sometimes with SIL as she sees me as an intruder sometimes (and has told me as much drunk) and its taken a long time to get where we are. I usually try to be dutiful DIL to keep the peace.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:20

I think you should stop rolling over and "keeping the peace"

why would your SIL see you as an "intruder" ? confused

DontmindifIdo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:07:39

It's ok that your SIL sees you as an outsider, that means you get to be separate and keep her at arms distance. This can be a good thing for you.

MrsChestysGlitteryBaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 22:10:55

She's slightly insane, it's a whole other thread!

I think she's is annoyed I'm so close to MIL.

But yes, a cup of tea wouldn't be enough and they don't offer any help. Incidentally SIL no 2 is also lovely, can see SIL no 1 is slightly insane but is far too loyal to say.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 06-Dec-12 22:13:54

Stop indulging her then. Unless you are geared up for another 40 years (or whatever) of bullying at her hands.

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