to not want to pay for my friend to have a party!?

(85 Posts)
charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 19:16:34

Good friend of mine is having her first dc in less than 2 months. She has two older sisters who have decided to throw her party/baby shower as a surprise.

One good friend (who is also invited, she is going to Godmother) has forwarded on to me a text saying that the sister is asking for donations towards the food and decorations for the shower.

I found it rude that I wasn't asked by the sister herself and that I'm expected to contribute too as it sounds like its compulsory. If its not paid before the party then we should give her the money when we get there (shes hosting it at her house).

We were told that we didn't have to bring gifts if we didn't want to, but obviously I am going to get her a gift.

She is a good friend and I want her to have a good baby shower but why should I and all the guests be expected to pay for it?


TidyDancer Thu 06-Dec-12 19:18:17

Well she's only asking I suppose. You could say no, or decline the invitation.

I can't stand baby showers personally, but if it means something to your good friend, why wouldn't you want to make sure she has a nice time?

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Thu 06-Dec-12 19:19:06

Why don't you want o chip in?

If it's because of money fair enough but if it's just he principle I think it's a bit off. Sorry.

If this were one of my friends I would contribute.

ENormaSnob Thu 06-Dec-12 19:19:41

I wouldn't attend a baby shower anyway.

I would rather take a plate and bottle to a party than be asked for a monetary contribution.

Catsdontcare Thu 06-Dec-12 19:20:47

Yanbu if you host a party then you foot the cost. If you don't want to pay then you invite people out for drinks or a meal where people pay for themselves.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Thu 06-Dec-12 19:20:52

i think yanbu.

if someone wants to host a baby shower then they are accepting the cost of it. i wouldn't mind if they said something like "guests are welcome to bring a dish" but not if i am expected to contribute to the cost.

i would bring a gift but not give any money.

Catsdontcare Thu 06-Dec-12 19:22:03

Obviously it's good manners to take a bottle of something to a party I wouldn't turn up empty handed

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 19:24:33

How much have they asked for?

KittyFane1 Thu 06-Dec-12 19:25:24

How much?
£10/20 Yes and no present.
£20+ No.

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 19:26:51

It's not about the money, she could be asking for £5 or £50. It's just my opinion that if I was going to host a party at my house then I would foot the cost.

Giving money to the host was made to sound mandatory from the text I read.

I'm obviously bringing her a gift, whether its optional or not.

KittyFane1 Thu 06-Dec-12 19:27:41

It's accepted to be asked to bring food and drink to share but agree it's unusual to ask for money.

hermioneweasley Thu 06-Dec-12 19:28:57

OP, wasn't it you that had the work colleague wanting your wedding dress for her DD? If so, you know an extraordinary number of rude and grabby people!

ChoudeBruxelles Thu 06-Dec-12 19:29:17

I'm having friends round tomorrow evening - I'll buy food and some wine but I'm everyone will bring a bottle or something. Wouldn't dream of asking them for money.


FivesGoldNorks Thu 06-Dec-12 19:31:12

I thought presents were the point of a baby shower?

MrsBungleBear Thu 06-Dec-12 19:33:17

YANBU. If she is hosting the party at her house then she foots the bill is my opinion.

My friend had a new years eve party a few years ago. When we got there she asked everyone for £5 to cover the cost of the food and champagne (we got half a glass of cava at midnight!).

The food was a few frozen bits from the supermarket.

No one who attended that party has ever forgotten it - we reckon she must have made loads of money in profit! I paid as I felt put on the spot. My other friend did not pay as she had no money on her but she got a text the next day reminding her that she owed a fiver!

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 19:33:53

Yes hermioneweasley that was me. Thankfully these are people who I wouldn't class as friends and unfortunately there are rude and grabby people in this world.

She is asking for £10.

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Thu 06-Dec-12 19:35:35

OP, wasn't it you that had the work colleague wanting your wedding dress for her DD? If so, you know an extraordinary number of rude and grabby people!

This ^^. Exactly.

BackforGood Thu 06-Dec-12 19:37:26

I don't think I'd go to a babyshower anyway - never been asked (don't know anyone rude enough to have an event, the sole purpose of which is to receive gifts for themselves), but I agree with the other, if you are hosting a party of anykind, you don't ask people to pay to attend. If money is tight, then make it just a 'drinks' evenings (when you normally end up with more wine that you started as people bring a full bottle but only drink a glass or two), or, as someone else said, say to people "We're meeting here if you want to come, it's £x a head". You can't charge people to come into your home!

LucyGoose Thu 06-Dec-12 19:38:31

So this "surprise" shower is not so much a surprise as a money maker? You pay to cover your food/drink plus bring a pressie? YANBU and sister is tacky tacky (one extra for the baby). I wonder if its a surprise, so mum-to-be doesn't get wind of her cheap sister's plans.....

BOFingSanta Thu 06-Dec-12 19:40:45

It's unbelievable how crass some people are, OP. especially people you know.

stella1w Thu 06-Dec-12 19:42:24

Deal is guests bring a present if they want to and those hosting foot the bill although i think a gentle request to bring something to share wd b ok.

Cahoootz Thu 06-Dec-12 19:44:55

I would offer to bring a dish of something and a bottle of something instead.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 19:45:45

I thought a baby shower was about gifts and cheering up mum to be with her friends. But then, expecting another raft of presents after - well that's another thread.

I would be a bit amazed at being asked to contribute money- I have been asked in the past to bring food, like a pizza we can cut of something and juice, as mum to be wont be drinking, so surely it's just tea and some snacks? Like nibbles? She should have contacted you herself though, unless she is unaware of the request? Why dont you call her and ask her, as you say she is a good friend.

When the baby is here, will everyone be expected to stump up for the christening?

Pantofino Thu 06-Dec-12 19:47:30

I feel thankful everyday that my friends are not like this.

icclebabyjesusheave Thu 06-Dec-12 20:20:55

Damn them. Damn them for asking if you'd contribute to the event. I'd refuse to go if I were you and the let them know that it was Mumsnet that confirmed their dastardly unreasonableness.

Then pull your knickers down from where they're hoiked.

simplesusan Thu 06-Dec-12 20:42:47

I think asking for £10 is too greedy.
Surely it is not a full 3 course meal?
The sister shouldn't be hosting if she isn't prepared to put up a few nibbles. I do think guests should take something to drink but the whole "baby shower" thing makes my toes curl tbh.

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 20:54:47

icclebabyjesusheave grow up much?

I am going to pay. I just think its rude to ask for money for an event. If you had friends over to your house for your birthday would you charge them for coming? No.

I also never once said I would refuse to go.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Dec-12 20:55:52

Decline the invite.

StickEmUp Thu 06-Dec-12 20:58:06

It is rude and very tasteless.
I had a party this year, i paid the whole £700 myself!

WelshMaenad Thu 06-Dec-12 20:58:24

Fucking hell, if the MN jury say pay-to-party is ok, I missed a fucking trick with my wedding! £100 per guest would have covered it all. [damnation]

kennyp Thu 06-Dec-12 21:01:57

i think it is bloody rude. it sounds like something the real housewives of ny would do ... but not the real housewives/mutha to be wives of england.

if you host you pay. if you attend you enjoy. etiquette a go go at high noon

musttidyupBeforeSantaComes Thu 06-Dec-12 21:04:15

YANBU. Rude rude rude. Bloody cheek of the woman.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Dec-12 21:06:02

'My other friend did not pay as she had no money on her but she got a text the next day reminding her that she owed a fiver! '

I'd have ignored it and if she texted again I'd have told her to quit piss taking.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Dec-12 21:07:23

Why are you going to pay? Do you have the word 'Mug' tattoo'd across your forehead? You're surrounded by rude, grabby people because you don't tell them to go boil their heads in one way or another. Just say, 'No, thanks.'

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:07:49

Lost here! Surely a baby shower is very similar to a hen do? The bride pays for herself but hens treat/pay for selves....

Therefore at a baby shower whys it weird to chip in for a buffet? Decorations?

Yabvu. And not a little blinkered.

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:14:07

LaCiccolina yes but a hen do would typically be a dinner, drinks, day at a spar etc so yes obviously if you attended a hen do you would pay.

If someone had a hen do at their house then I would at the very least bring a bottle, I wouldn't give them money for it.

This is a baby shower and it's hosted at someones house, where you are suppose to 'shower' the new mum to be with gifts.

I think you are the one that is blinkered.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 21:15:08

Say you can't make ( siffle, cough) but you will pop round next week with the gift. Have a great time, ladies!!

Don't do this to yourself.

vigglewiggle Thu 06-Dec-12 21:20:24

I think the problem is that Babyshowers are a crass American import new thing - so we don't really know how to do them!

I am presuming from watching Friends that it is a daytime affair with a few sandwiches, tea and perhaps a piece of cake. Why on earth would that cost £10?

MummytoKatie Thu 06-Dec-12 21:23:03

Could you reply and say

"Actually I was planning on bringing a bottle and making some yummy chocolate brownie. Much nicer that we all bring a bit than give you the money and you get stuck with all the work! Let me know if any probs."

Personally I'd just think "cheapskate" and pay the £10 and be pleased I didn't have the hassle of baking but that is me being a lazy (comfortably off) slattern!

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Thu 06-Dec-12 21:23:52

Oh it's you with the wedding dress and the rude restaurant woman and the old woman who gave you the finger and the friend who told you not to call your dh baby and the weird Facebook woman.

I'd been wondering how you'd been getting on. How are you? Ready for Christmas?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Thu 06-Dec-12 21:26:11

Does not this defeat the entire purpose of a baby shower?

Invite people to a baby shower, saying pay me entrance, never mind about a present for baby? confused The mind boggles.

This woman have NO interest in the baby, she just wants her sisters friends to pay for a party, and "forget the baby".

I would decline for this reason, and bring my friend a generous baby gift later.

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:26:53

Nope still doesn't make sense. I really don't think u get baby showers, an American invention.... Can't stand them myself, i just had friends visit once dd was born, but have been to a few and us as friends chipped in for balloons, decs, small Iceland type buffet/cakes (nothing fancy) and brought a gift each.

Pretty much same as hen do's, I've bought decs, food, wine, a gift and chipped in for 'entertainment'.

Same principle it strikes me if a bit US, treating a mate entering a new phase in life?

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:28:43

Essentially gold, that's the closest description! smile

vigglewiggle Thu 06-Dec-12 21:28:52

Artex are you implying the Op is a curmudgeon? wink

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:51

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LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:33:23

Quite a few of our crowd are US which might explain different views?

Best hen we had was just in a hotel room we paid for and decorated very camply. Cost me £100, room and decs and in room entertainment (ahem!) was 8 of us and it was wonderfully debauched.

Showers are similar, just touch cleaner.

Viviennemary Thu 06-Dec-12 21:37:58

I'd feel that it was a bit cheeky asking you for money. I think the family should arrange the party and pay for it. Don't know what I'd do in this situation. I might just pay up but if I felt strongly I'd say I couldn't make the party and just give a present.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Thu 06-Dec-12 21:39:02

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charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:40:34

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stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 21:42:25

Oh dear. Bitter sad people with no lives, but you want their advice anyway.


OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:42:46

I think this is bit difficult actually because I am kind of in this situation.

3 of the women in my office are having babies within a month of each other. 2 of them have traveled a very dark and difficult road to these pregnancies. We are all very happy for them and the plan is to throw a joint baby shower. I am organising it but I am hoping that my other colleagues will offer to stump up some of the cash otherwise I will certainly be drawing the short straw.

OTOH I hosted a baby shower for my best friend at my house and paid for everything.

BOFingSanta Thu 06-Dec-12 21:46:13

Really, is there any need to react so defensively? Not even defensive actually; more like aggressive.

<awaits mean and snippy character assassination based on fuck all>

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 21:49:55

stifnstav I don't see any advice being given by ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey to be fair.

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:52:09

If it makes u feel any better u haven't actually featured on my radar at all. Had no idea all those posts were the same person, much less that it was u.....

icclebabyjesusheave Thu 06-Dec-12 21:54:04

grow up much? confused is that a sentence?

They're having a do and wondered if you'd like to chip in. You're offended that it was a forwarded text and offended that you were asked to chip in.

I'm detecting a wee bit of pent up anger and aggression here. Would you like to talk?

LaCiccolina Thu 06-Dec-12 21:56:36

Ohdearnigel if ur firm is US based/centric, then if guess no issue. If not, either show them friends/kardashians as theirs are right. If everyone's uk based u might judging by this thread, have an issue...

I'd just be clear what the donation buys up front. Might be different politics for an office....

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 21:59:40

i really don't get why baby showers attract so much rage. We have parties over here for all sorts of stupid stuff - engagements, hen parties, golden weddings, housewarmings, divorce, graduation. Yet the biggest thing, most life-changing thing that can ever happen to you doesn't deserve a bit of a knees up ? I find this really, truly odd.

If getting married deserves "one last night of freedom" then surely creating an entire new human deserves a few friends turning out for a couple of sandwiches and a party popper ?

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:00

I wouldn't be best pleased to be suddenly asked to contribute cash unless it had been discussed in advance. I would happily take food, and usually do to any social gathering as I enjoy baking. I would also take a bottle of wine but would be miffed at someone asking for my cash when they are hosting an event unless it was something that had been agreed in advance.


ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:02

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TwoHats Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:46

There is no way guests are going to consume £10 of food and drink each, that is outrageous! I would offer to take a bottle and some snacks but not hand over cash.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:02:11

La Cicc - I think what I'll probably do is work out what we're going to eat and divide it up round those coming. Then I'll pay for drinks, decorations and sundries. We "do" parties in our office - we went to a conference yesterday as a unit and arranged a bring and share picnic lunch as no lunch was provided. We were the envy of the conference wink

BOFingSanta Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:27

I think there was implied adviice in there actually: if this sort of thing happens all the time, perhaps it's time to consider the possibility that it's not them, it's you. If I attracted that much rage, rudeness and confrontation, I would start to examine whether I was doing something to provoke it, or at least wonder why I was surrounding myself with so many negative people. Is it possible you have self esteem issues, or a need for drama, or similar? It's worth at least considering.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:46

I suppose it depends on whether the hostess is going all out and buying lots of balloons, party favours, personalised stationery etc in this stylee. If you look at baby shower stuff on pinterest Americans must splash some serious cash when hosting them.

If it's £10 for a curled up sarnie and glass of cheap cava you've been ripped off but if the hostess is doing a lovely meal, candy bar, small bar and paying for nice decor and games then I can easily see how the cost mounts up

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:06:27

TwoHats, I organise quite a lot of parties, both personal and for our Rotary club. You'd be surprised how easily costs mount up when you include everything

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 22:08:29

Is there not a chance that the sisters have sent the text to the godmother with the intention of those three putting in £30 for food and the godmother has got the wrong end of the stick and forwarded it?

suburbophobe Thu 06-Dec-12 22:09:02

They wanted your wedding dress and now you are being commandeered (sp?) to go to a baby shower and pay for food/drink/present...?

Frankly, I wouldn't even give these people the time of day.

I will decide myself what and when/if I want to do something, thank you.

These people are not your friends. <sorry>

festivelyfocussed Thu 06-Dec-12 22:14:05

Fwiw if this is a good friend, in your position I would just have handed over the 10 quid and bought a pressie by now.
I don't see baby showers as grabby, just a way of celebrating a big life event with family/ friends.

Janeatthebarre Thu 06-Dec-12 22:15:56

Artex What exactly is your problem? This is a forum for people to sound off about things that are bugging them. It's fun and a way of venting without upsetting people in real life. Why are you going back over OPs posts as if she's doing something wrong. She's using the forum for its given purpose.
Your posts sound a bit weird and stalkerish.

RudolphTheRedNosedGiraffe Thu 06-Dec-12 22:18:51

I thought YABU until I read that they've actually asked for a specific amount of money, and a ridiculous amount at that, for drinks and nibbles at someone's house. If it was a request to "chip in a few pounds" I'd find that much easier to take, personally I'd rather bring food than money but it'd still seem reasonable. But £10 is way too much. I wonder if stifnstav is right and they didn't intend for the text to be sent to you.
But if it was me I'd do it anyway, for the sake of my friend and not creating bad feelings.

FivesGoldNorks Thu 06-Dec-12 22:22:04


charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:44:54

suburbophobe I think you may have misunderstood, these are different people. One a friends sister and the other a work colleague. Neither of them I would consider to be a friend.

BOFingSanta I write a few posts and suddenly I have self-esteem issues. Really?

I think you should read what Janeatthebarre has said.

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:46:07

festivelyfocussed I never once stated that baby showers are 'grabby'

And I also stated right from the start that I am and was always going to buy her a gift. Regardless of having to contribute £10.

ellee Thu 06-Dec-12 22:56:46

It's a bit weird though isn't it? I thought the purpose(ish) of a baby shower was to kit the new mum out with stuff for the baby? Here, the "hostess" is snaffling the contribution for the party food!

I think it's v off personally. Really crass to ask for money and then to ask by a forwarded text!

Are they that hard up?

BackforGood Thu 06-Dec-12 22:59:58

Thing being, when the baby has arrived safely is when I would go round, admire said baby, see if there was anything I could do to support new Mum and generally make a fuss of her, and take a gift. If I have understood it correctly, these baby shower things happen when the new Mum is still a Mum to be. There's many that would say it is bad luck to have things in, before the baby is safely here. Personally, I'm not that superstitious (although have met many who are), but I actually like the chance to go round and meet the new baby and be able to offer my support as I take my gift once the baby is born

ellee Thu 06-Dec-12 23:00:13

I think stif might be right actully, they're hardly asking everyone for £10! Must be a mistake.

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh Thu 06-Dec-12 23:15:23

I helped organise a baby shower with 2 friends and we shared the cost. 4 of the non-contributing invitees turned up (after already going to the pub first), ate loads of our prepared food, didn't seem that arsed about games, or getting to know anyone they didn't already know, and then left after an hour ish... to go on a night out. I'd say the person organising the one you're going to wants a bit of cash as a deposit, to ensure you that if you do this kind of thing as above, then you've at least invested some effort into it.

Me and me organiser friends felt quite disappointed that they saw the event as a halfway house between pubs, just for the free food. If it's a reasonable amount, say up to £5, I would pay up. But if you really feel uncomfortable doing this (as they want £10), then why not offer to help out in some other way, like setting up on the night.

Some of the women at the shower I was at didn't even bring presents, which I think defeats the object of the term 'shower', but that's none of my business, they might be waiting until baby arrives.

I remember your wedding dress thread OP, you sure do hang out with some weirdos... do you really want to go to this party?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 06-Dec-12 23:19:44

i wouldnt get so uptight about it OP - i dont get baby showers - i was invited to one recently and i declined, i didnt want to go.

i put into a collection for a gift.and was then asked to contribute a further £10 for vouchers for the shower. i just simply declined and said i had put in for the gift and couldnt really afford it. no biggie.

can you just not say "no thank you"? and forget it?

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh Thu 06-Dec-12 23:25:18

Reading back as well, maybe it was a mistakenly forwarded text like someone else said. To clarify about my situation, the 3 of us were perfectly happy to foot the entire cost, and we didn't want to ask anyone else for money (especially as we didn't know them), but if we'd known how they were going to behave, then we might have suggested it.

My last comment about the wedding dress thread wasn't meant to be sarcastic. Just think you should definitely consider whether or not you want to be in the company of people who have such warped ideas, I know you want to be there for your pregnant friend though so it's tricky. Also, how many people are going to the party? Say if it's 15, is it really going to cost £150 to put together? I'd want to enjoy the company of my friends, not bankrupt them. Think perhaps you should text back to clarify if this info is correct. Though somehow do it without sounding arsey!

expatinscotland Fri 07-Dec-12 18:06:21

'I helped organise a baby shower with 2 friends and we shared the cost. 4 of the non-contributing invitees turned up (after already going to the pub first), ate loads of our prepared food, didn't seem that arsed about games, or getting to know anyone they didn't already know, and then left after an hour ish... to go on a night out. I'd say the person organising the one you're going to wants a bit of cash as a deposit, to ensure you that if you do this kind of thing as above, then you've at least invested some effort into it.'

A deposit. For a party? For the love of Pete!

What next? Come to a dinner party, but I'm charging for it.

If the organisers can't afford to throw this lady a party then don't.

The cheek of people just gets worse and worse.

Pantofino Fri 07-Dec-12 19:05:55

I cannot imagine asking someone to my house for food or whatever, and then text them asking for a financial contribution. That being said Op said "sister is asking for donations towards the food and decorations for the shower. " Well the donation does not have to be cash does it. You could offer to buy a helium balloon or bake something and be polite, rather than causing a huge hoohah and drama about it,

SantaWearsGreen Fri 07-Dec-12 19:46:31

Its a bit weird asking imo.. I can't even imagine deciding to throw a surprise party for someone but only if the guests all chip in. Its just weird and rude too. I've never heard of anything like it. Your contribution is the gift for the mum and baby!

Baby showers suck anyway.

stifnstav Fri 07-Dec-12 22:04:14

So have you checked with the godmother or the organiser directly OP to see if every guest is expected to contribute?

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh Fri 07-Dec-12 23:13:44

expat I don't agree with organisers making guests put down a 'deposit' for a party they're hosting. It is pretty ridiculous and I hate asking people for money (especially if I don't know them.) Was just speculating that this could be the case in this situation.

Doitnicelyplease Sat 08-Dec-12 06:50:40

A common way to host baby showers in North America is to do them pot luck style so everyone brings a different dish to contribute to food, they are not really drinking occasions so just a few bottles of sparkling wine should do it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to 'spoil ' the mum to be with a get together and a few gifts ( you just get them something now rather than later)

There is no reason for it too be grabby or particularly cost a lot, the hostess is out of order asking for money

Ponyinthepool Sat 08-Dec-12 09:30:45

If they'd set their stall out from the start ie. 'we're having a party and it's £10 per head' that would've been fine but to invite you first and hijack you for money later is completely off.

Suggest you go hungry and take a doggy bag for leftovers.. Please let us know what they feed you (anything less than a 10oz steak and you've been ripped off).

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