AIBU about my MIL? Please help!

(114 Posts)
Nicole2781 Wed 05-Dec-12 23:35:19

Hi I'm new to MN, I'd just like to know if people think I'm being unreasonable to feel upset/angry.

It's a bit of a long story so I'm sorry in advance.

I have a 2 mo son who is currently living with me and my fiancé and my parents house until we can move into our first home in jan.

While I was pregnant, my MIL said we could live with her and wouldn't charge us board so we could save up for our wedding which was a very kind offer which of course we accepted. I have never really felt comfortable in her house as its basically a show home and she's very strict and picky about things like cleaning etc and I come from a home where cleaning is not #1 priority every single day not to say I'm a messy person I always kept it tidy and clean, washed and ironed for them while I was on maternity leave.
So obviously we accepted her offer and I had only been living there 3 wks and was 4 days from my due date when she made a big deal with the fact I had asked my mum to come and help me wash my sons clothes and put them away in his nursery as she hadn't seen any of his clothes or seen his beautiful nursery that MIL kindly paid for and decorated. So I tell my MIL I had asked my mum if she could come help me sort his clothes out and she appeared to be ok about it. Later on that day my fiancé came home and said MIL had rang him in tears because she wanted me to sort the clothes with her (even though she'd suggested I do it the Monday while she was at work) anyways, she was really upset , told dp that she felt like a stranger in her own home and didn't want other people coming into her house. My mum is not just any person and she would not have trashed the place or anything. I was always told by her that I need to act as it was my own home etc so I really didn't think it would be such a huge deal. So I got upset and my parter and I moved into my mum and dads the next day. She didn't even speak to me she just completely blanked me. I thought it was such a horrible thing to do after saying I was to make myself at home she acted like that over a stupid thing. I would never have agreed to move into her home if I had known that nobody would have been able to visit me while mil + fil were at work and I would have been all on my own being a new first time mother.

So after son is born mil is acting like I'm a hero and being so nice and I'm being nice also even though I still hugely upset over the whole thing and how much stress it caused.

Now apparently she thinks my sons clothes smells of smoke... My parents do smoke BUT they smoke outside of the house obviously. She is so anti-smoking which is fine but my son actually doesn't smell of smoke. When I pack his bag to go to her house she doesn't put any of the clothes I plan out for him on, she puts brand new things on him, has her own blankets for him and even got her 17year old pram down from the loft to take my son out in. She has bought everything brand new for him like a bouncy chair, towels, bath everything! And keeps it in her house. I find this so annoying and I feel like she's acting like my son is her son. Obviously I understand she's excited to become a grandparent but it's too much. Every time I get pissed off it causes arguments between me and dp as he doesn't like me complaining about his mother. Also she has never expressed any of the problems she has to me she's always texting or ringing dp and upsetting him saying she wishes he and my son could go and live with her, she's not happy with them both living at my house etc... And my dp won't tell any of this to me I found out by reading his text messages as he wouldn't tell me why he was in such a bad mood. (I know it's wrong to do that but I knew something was up)
Am I being unreasonable? It's getting too much. She is known for being a bitch anyway, she thinks she is better than everyone else and looks down her nose at people which is awful to watch.
It's getting quite bad now I'm so unhappy and find everything she says or does gets me angry and my dp and I argue a lot about her. He doesn't see it from my point but I know it upsets him me getting upset and I really wish she would just keep her opinions to herself. It's hard enough being a new parent with a wedding and new house in the next few months.

I even sent her a message just before ds was born saying I don't know why she's upset with me and asking why she wanted us to move in so badly but not letting me know about her rules about visitors like did she seriously expect me to sit at home alone with nobody to help me if I felt I needed it? confused

She didn't even reply! And a week or so ago I complained to dp that she had just completely blanked my message and so he told her to reply to get it sorted and she said she had nothing to be sorry about she hasn't done anything wrong and she wasn't going to appologize for being her.
But she txt me saying she's fed up of the atmosphere between us and to accept that we are all different people with different opinions and put it in the past which I replied that I was still upset but I was willing to put it behind me and start fresh for ds and dp's sake. (Even though I still despise her) and try not to go to her house if I don't have to cause everything she says pisses me off.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like shit about it all still?
Am I in the wrong?
I know this all looks so petty but I'd really like an outsiders point of view and I'm sorry for babbling on smile

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Wed 05-Dec-12 23:43:32

Sinbu to have all baby stuff at her house, that's nice of her, and it makes life easier for you.

However

Sibvu indeed suggesting to your dp that he takes your child and goes and lives with her.

She sounds mental, sorry. I would disengage, stop stressing about your relationship, stop making overtures to her. Smile and nod. Think of her as you would a colleague you dislike but need to get on with at work. Don't go out of your way for her, but don't give her any reason to bitch about you. Don't slag her off to your dp. Disengage, think to yourself 'I'm not playing your game' Soon your baby will be old enough to visit alone with his dad, and you can wash your hands of her. My mum had a mil she despised and this is what she did. It worked for our family.

allthegoodnamesweretaken Wed 05-Dec-12 23:47:47

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you are letting her stress you out way too much. Just rise above it, every time you read DPs texts or slag her off to him, you're letting her drive a wedge between you. She can't do any harm here if you don't let her. Like Artex says, just smile and nod.

What is your DP saying before and after her texts?

If he is saying he is unhappy or something then of course she will say 'well move home then'.

I think its nice she has things for your DS at her house and, yes, she sounds a bit OTT at points but you sound like you over-react too and your poor DP is stuck in the middle.

squeakytoy Wed 05-Dec-12 23:59:58

Do you not go to her house when he goes? What on earth is she doing changing him out of his clothes?

timeforachangebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 00:07:42

OK, I am a strict non smoker and I expect he does smell of smoke to her for a start, sorry, just being around people who smoke I can smell it, and they only smoke outside.

I gave a load of baby stuff to someone who does this, and I wont be having it back for this reason.

The rest, you seem to be holding a massive grudge from a long time ago, you shouldnt be going through DPs texts looking for reasons to be upset, I personally think he is right to ignore her and not tell you, it only causes more trouble.

Lastly, how much time is DS spending there?? I would imagine it is very little if you arent going there, lots of grandparents I know have things in their own houses, it does make life easier.

If DS isnt there much you are stressing about nothing, you sound a bit fixated on her tbh when you should be getting on with your life and looking forward to wedding and own place.

wannaBe Thu 06-Dec-12 00:11:34

IMO you are overreacting.

Your baby probably smells of smoke if he's living in a house with smokers, sorry. you live there too and therefore you are desensitised. But her having stuff at her house for your baby is a good thing, my mil had all stuff at her house too it saved me having to carry loads of stuff when I went.

wrt what she's saying to your dp, well if you're that highly strung about a few baby things and a small falling out over your mum (she didn't say you couldn't have visitors did she?) then maybe he's unhappy. And what are you doing snooping through his texts?

yabu.

Shelby2010 Thu 06-Dec-12 00:14:01

Do you leave DS with your MIL, if so, how often? If he at her house a lot then it is not odd for her to have bouncy chairs etc And I expect she dresses him in 'her' outfits because she has enjoyed buying things for him - annoying but not worth getting stressed about. Unless she takes then back off him before he leaves her house - in which case she's a nutter.

As for the smoke smell, well she could be right, if your parents hold him after smoking then it will transfer to his clothes.

Hopefully things will settle when you move into your own place. In the meantime I would forget about her being unreasonable when you lived with her. I suspect she is the one who as lost out by not being the on-the-spot granny, & is probably jealous of your DM because of this. And don't communicate with her by text - it never helps!

Away to bed now, but good luck. I don't think you are really being unreasonable, but a lot of irritations are magnified when you are tired & stressed - which is usually a given when you have a small baby.

Nicole2781 Thu 06-Dec-12 00:29:32

Yes I admit I am letting it get to me too much and I am trying not to think about it but she ends up saying or doing something else and I get pissed off.

Well she first asked him what was up with me I appeared in a mood and didn't make much conversation with her (why would I want to???) and he told her I was upset still over the having to move out a few days before due date and would have liked an appology. Then mil replies she has nothing to be sorry for etc...
He hasn't said anything bad really like complaining on the texts although I know he's finding it difficult living with my parents which I understand of course it's hard living in other people's houses I should know! And I know he finds my mum annoying at times... She only means well but I understand his pov there too that's the thing, anytime he has a problem with my mum I let him voice it and I usually agree and try and tell my mum in a nice way that she has offended dp or something like that which is fine but when I have a problem he thinks I'm just trying to attack his mum which I really am not I don't want any arguments I want us to get on and I want her to keep her opinions to herself and turning her nose up at things.

My son has been going to her for the night on a weekend as she doesn't come to my parents to visit, she looks down on my family because we are not well off like her basically. My mum even feels small around her which I hate. I don't like him going there for the night although I do love a break for a good night sleep I miss him terribly but dp wants her to be able to spend quality time with him which I can't really say no to as I do want my son to have a good relationship with all of his family members even if I don't particularly like her.
We do sometimes go over for dinner or a cuppa but I have just told dp at times to go without me as I felt too unhappy about being there with all the tension.

Yes I think it's nice she has things for him but not everything! Itd like she has her own baby living there! And the things she has she tries to get better versions as though its a competition which she does with everything else she buys too which pisses me off as its so petty.

I guess your right I do need to stop letting it get to me all I know is I'm sick of all the crap I just want a nice happy life with my family hmm

Thank you for your replies btw smile

splintersinmebum Thu 06-Dec-12 00:42:13

cut your MIL some slack, stop fretting about her and stop nagging your boyfriend and start enjoying your baby.

Nicole2781 Thu 06-Dec-12 00:48:00

Also she has taken something back once which really annoyed me... She dropped him off in a lovely snowsuit she had bought him... Then asked if she could take it back for when she takes him out again. I was too shocked to say no confused also there is still some of his clothes that me and dp bought for ds at her house that he hasn't been able to wear because she 'forgot' to pack them. God I know I'm being petty I'm going to shut up now! Sorry guys confused

ripsishere Thu 06-Dec-12 00:52:43

IMO, it's 6 of one half a dozen of another.
I'd have killed for someone to take my DD away for the night when she was that age.
I think you should all grow up, stop communicating by text, and move out as quickly as you can.

WorraLorraTurkey Thu 06-Dec-12 00:58:13

I know everyone needs a little help now and then but with the free bed and board, the nursery and now the overnight babysitting....it seems to me that if you don't like the woman perhaps you shouldn't rely on her so much?

The baby will smell of smoke and as you're living with smokers, you probably won't be able to smell it.

It's just a smell though and she needs to get over it...but having said that I can understand why she wanted the suit back, otherwise it would defeat the purpose of buying it if it smelled of smoke again.

Nicole2781 Thu 06-Dec-12 01:06:35

The nursery was not our idea it was hers. We wernt planning on living there in the first place and she had already started planning the nursery. Also I know and have appreciated she has been very generous but that's the thing with her she throws money at people to try and get her own way. And those words came from my dp! And I have tried to not accept some of her generosity as I felt it would be awful of me to basically look like I'm using her for her generosity when I'm not my dp wants to accept it all the time although I don't blame him it just makes me feel a bit shitty

LDNmummy Thu 06-Dec-12 01:14:43

She's a control freak and wants her son back home with her and her grandchild in her home so she can act like she is the mummy.

I know because I have been through a very similar thing with my MIL. It took a long time for DH to see what his DM was doing and it almost tore us apart.

Just ignore it all or you will end up giving her exactly what she wants when you and your DH break up over this. Unless he sees it for himself like my DH eventually did.

I get it because I have been in your shoes that even the little things can become very magnified, but just let it all go. Ride it out as if she doesn't exist when she isn't immediately in your presence. When she is around, just pretend like there is no issue at all.

If you were still living with her I wouldn't have given you this advice. But luckily you are in your parents home so you don't have to deal with it all the time.

Good luck and God speed smile

Nicole2781 Thu 06-Dec-12 01:25:29

Thank you LDNmummy! It's good to know you've been in the same situation and understand how it is. I'm taking your advice and going to rise above it all! grin

ChristmasSpiritEndorphins Thu 06-Dec-12 01:37:36

I feel she should realize she made you and your mother feel unwelcome, and apologuise.
My advise is, to be the bigger person, and give her another chance. Soon you will be in your own place, and things will settle down.
She may never be your favorite person, but I would forgive her (even without an apology), and hopefully she will learn to act like a caring person. Buying things may be her way of being nice. Some people just don't really understand what being nice is.
I hope things smooth out for you soon.

WorraLorraTurkey Thu 06-Dec-12 01:46:54

Well ok but you used 2 phrases in your OP that made me think despite the fact you don't like the woman, you're willing to take advantage of her generosity.

The phrases were " which of course we accepted" and "So obviously we accepted her offer".

What she gives you does not give her the right to act like that but since she obviously thinks it does, and you don't like her anyway perhaps it's time you and your DP became a little more independent?

Don't accept her generosity in money or overnight babysitting as she obviously thinks it gives her the right to dictate.

Stand on your own two feet as independent adults and the only people who get to call the shots are you and your DP.

timeforachangebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 05:23:45

YouTube the 90/10 principle.

Also you do not need to let her have him overnight once a week unless you want to (which is fine a break is lovely but overnight is not necessary for a good relationship

Just stop letting her get to you.

Also - if your mum gets on DPs nerves sometimes - he needs to suck it up - you are bound to be getting on top of each other all in one house.

You both need to relax and remember that this is not forever.

saccrofolium Thu 06-Dec-12 05:56:16

So she takes you into her home, prepares to support you and your child, and 4 days before you give birth, when you may have been a bit emotional, you have a non-row over something trivial and then:
"So I got upset and my parter and I moved into my mum and dads the next day. She didn't even speak to me she just completely blanked me. "

You didn't talk it through like an adult, you and her spineless son move out. The next day. And she blanked you. You're lucky she didn't give you both the kick up the arse you so richly deserve. Another nightmare DIL. You sound very childish. Cut her some slack, she must be heartbroken. And despite the rotten way you've treated her, you're still happy to send your child overnight once a week? Unreal.

PicaK Thu 06-Dec-12 08:35:52

Sorry but when you smell the smoke you are breathing in the bad stuff (carcigens - sp?). It's not just a smell.

Sounds like she has never cut the apron strings from your dp and w

Sorry, wrong button. And would like him and your baby all to herself. It suited her fine when you were living there until you did something which she felt was pushing her out.

Sounds to me like you're well out of there, although don't be pressurized into sending baby there overnight, as youre obviously not comfortable with it frOm what you say. 2months is very young to have sleepovers.

Just ignore all her crap, and try to enjoy your new baby. When dp gets upset with what she's texting, change your reaction to sympathy for him, having to listen to his mothers nonsense, and he'll see things in a different light soon enough.

She is probably upset that after preparing her home for you to live in, with her grandchild, you just upped and left. I'm not saying she is right in the way she is behaving but I'm trying to see her point of view as well.
If you had this argument about the clothes and then just upped and left back to your parents without trying to sort things out she must be very hurt.

However, it seems that you have been given good advice in just smile and ignore. If you want to have any sort of relationship with her, if you think that is possible then you may have to deal with all the issues, bring everything out face to face.

Dawndonna Thu 06-Dec-12 09:11:02

When I talk about how wonderful my MIL is, it's actually dhs stepmum. His real Mum gave us some serious problems. I eventually took her on one side and told her very, very firmly that the ball was in her court, she could either lose a son or gain a daughter, her choice, but I would win if she chose to carry on her petty battle for supremacy.
It's been over ten years since we've seen her.

i just want to say that the way she reacted to your mother visiting was totally out of order... and that deserves an apology. she wouldnt like it if your mother excluded her while you're living there.

it is dificult living with other people, and you do have to respect their rules and try to fit in to their lives... however they need to respect you too and the way you live. neither of you should change just to keep the other happy, reguardless of who it is or whose house it is

when you and your dp move in together things will get so much easier. just make sure that you make it clear that no one should be inviting themselves or just popping round at a momments notice without calling/checking with you first. if you need space, just say no. its about your little family now

good luck grin

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 06-Dec-12 09:25:30

I don't think your being unreasonable to have your mum visit, would your m not have been allowed to come over and see the baby?

I also think its nice of her to buy the equipment, clothes and asking for them back is a bit much. Even with the maybe, maybe not smoke smell, you just wash it secretly when you get it back!

Until your other half sees it, rant to your mum / on here keep it shut to your him. Your right, you know it but its his mum and he obviously doesn't want to see it

Frustratedartist Thu 06-Dec-12 09:29:13

Just wanted to say I totally agree with LDNmummy - my MIL was exactly the same.
But for your own sake as a family you need to 'separate' from each of your families and build your own family life together.
Your partner will never understand your feelings about your MIL, but it will drive a wedge between you.
Don't give her what she wants. Appreciate the help, and move on. One day you'll be a MIL.
I do agree about the smoke - if you're a non smoker you can smell the tiniest amount and it is a health risk most people no longer take.

LemonBreeland Thu 06-Dec-12 09:40:47

Agree the baby probably does smell of smoke.

I also think you moving out of her house probably was an over reaction. However your MIL was also in the wrong as she blew up over nothing.

The staying overnight thing would not be happening if it was my baby though. It is her choice not to visit baby at your parents. Also there is nothing to stop your dp taking thevbaby around to see her, but no need at all for overnight visits. That is a case of her taking over.

redskyatnight Thu 06-Dec-12 09:57:46

I suspect your MiL wanted to sort through the baby's clothes with you. And it was emotional time for both of you and you both overreacted. Whilst I understand why you did , moving out has only made the problem worse? Is this MiL's 1st grandchild? I know my mum went a bit mad when I had DS (her 1st GC) - she was very overfocused in being involved in everything. It did need reining in, but it was just a manifestation of her being overexcited - which tbh sounds like the case for your MiL.

As others have said, your baby's clothes etc will probably smell of smoke. DD has a friend whose parents only smoke away from her and out of the house, but DD always reeks when she comes home from playing there.

It is fairly normal for grandparents to keep baby stuff at their own houses - believe me, this makes life much easier for you than lugging everything there every time you visit.

The whole thing sounds like an overemotional episode that has got blown out of proportion.

YouOldSlag Thu 06-Dec-12 10:00:14

There's no way I would have left my 2 mo DS with anyone overnight for a start.

The more you accept her offers and leave the baby with her overnight etc the more involved she will think she is. You can't have it both ways. You are sending her mixed messages by doing this.

She does sound a bit unreasonable but it also sounds like you could be handling this wrong and taking offence when you don't need to.

Whoever is right or wrong, and it's hard to say since there are so many she said/she said incidents, the fact remains that you will be his mother forever and he will be her grandson forever so the two of you are going to have to find a middle ground and you need to find a place to live!

Why are you staying with parents to save for a wedding? You NEED your own home more than you need an expensive wedding. it's causing problems between you and DP and a new baby needs an environment with stability, not family politics and tension.

Speedos Thu 06-Dec-12 10:13:03

Why on earth is your 2 month old going once a week away from you for the night, your baby needs his mother at that age. Knock that on the head straight away.

As others have said he will smell of smoke, my in laws smoke and whenever we go to their house I have to wash everything and everyone and they smoke outside. I also have to move their coats from our cloakroom as they stink all our stuff out when the visit!

KenLeeeeeee Thu 06-Dec-12 10:18:21

You live with smokers; you will all smell of smoke.

You're really surprised that your MIL is upset that you upped & left the day after one row rather than talking it through like adults? You sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder about her being well off and houseproud, and tbf you need to get a grip and be as accepting of your MIL's personality and lifestyle as you are of your own parents'.

Put the wedding on the back burner & get your own place.

YABVU

Petershadow Thu 06-Dec-12 10:21:22

sit down and bloody talk to her

you are going to have to deal with this woman for a loonngg time
Obviously she is a bit ott, but this needs pointing out to her, she sounds very stubborn

you both sound as bad as each other in some ways
she wanted the snowsuit that she bought, but you wanted the other clothes back???

your mother and mil should have equal "access" to their grandchild, that includes being involved in the fun preparation things. you are obviously going to favour your mother and that can be hurtful to the mil, and she feels pushed out

But I'm not sure I'd be letting the 2 month old DS stay overnight? That's a bit unusual

I have a pushy(but fantastic!!) mother and mil is a pain in the arse, but I always have to remind myself that they both just want to love DS.

i missed the bit where your ds was staying overnight without you... you need to put a stop to that. your ds needs to be with you. 2mo is too young

TygerTyger Thu 06-Dec-12 13:02:32

You're going to have to get your own place. Don't engage with the argument and get on with your life.

impty Thu 06-Dec-12 13:23:13

It sounds like you are both a bit unreasonable.

You need to stop accepting help from her, as sometimes GPs do feel that this gives them more rights, or a bigger say on what happens in their GCs lives.

I also think that after having a first baby both mothers and grandmothers can become a bit possessive, and therefore unreasonable.

Most of all you need to disengage from this. Be nice to her. She brought up your DP, he loves her. Don't make it a battle.

Then, and this will become easier when you are in your own house, concentrate on being a new family of 3.

It may be that she is a terrible MIL but you need to develop a thicker skin and an (outwardly) calm disposition. I am a firm believer in give them enough rope they will hang themselves

Nicole2781 Thu 06-Dec-12 14:02:59

Thanks for all of your responses it has really helped me to see I'm being a bit silly letting this all get to me and I do feel bad for resenting her so much.

My dp loves it that mil can have him overnight I think of I did stop this or voice my opinion that I'm not entirely happy about it, he will think I'm doing it to get at get which I'm not.
I just hate the fact that from the beginning when she had a problem with me, she didn't talk to me about it she moaned at dp ad has done ever since.
I'm know I should have talked to her face to face but I'm not the type of person that feels comfortable doing so and worry about it turning onto a full blown argument and saying things we don't mean just to hurt each others feelings. That's why I sent her a text to start off with. Mil and I both moan at dp and I do feel awful for him being in the middle.

We didn't just up and leave, when dp first told me she was upset I suggested we sit down that night and explain I didn't mean for her to feel left out I have always included her in wedding and baby plans I even let her see my wedding dress which I wasn't completely comfortable with, she asked when I was going to take her to see it on me and I felt unable to upset her by saying no. I have also included her in taking her to antenatal classes and going shopping together. We always got on really well before the clothes incident so I was shocked that she was so petty about it and obviously I was feeling emotional and scared about labour and being a new mum in someone else's home.
Dp is in the military and we will be having an army house which we have had to wait for which we will move into in jan, two weeks before wedding.

Just because mil is very generous with giving/buying things and offering to help out with ds doesn't make me awful for accepting. I only accept most of it as dp gets upset if I feel I we accept too much from her. So I don't know what to do about that.
She knows she's welcome to see ds anytime as long as she arranges it before hand but refuses to come to my house, she only wants to have him at the weekend in her house and doing her own thing with him like taking him out.

YouOldSlag Thu 06-Dec-12 14:05:26

If living with your parents and arguing with your MIL is causing problems with your DP, it's definitely time to use those wedding savings for a place of your own.

A dream wedding is not as important as your own space since this current arrangement is clearly not working out for you.

And stop the sleepovers. No way should a 2mo be having weekly sleepovers.

Plus if you keep rowing there might not be a wedding! (worst case scenario).

Nicole2781 Thu 06-Dec-12 14:06:38

My god my typing is awful.

I meant to put dp and I didn't just up and leave, I suggested we sit down with mil and fil that night but dp decided against it as she was so upset. Dp talked to her that night when I was upstairs and he said well if you are not happy then maybe we should move out and mil said maybe you should. So that confirmed to me that she wasn't interested in talking about it to me and that I wasn't welcome in her home.

timeforachangebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 14:10:56

Sounds to me like the ans of someone backed into a corner and said in the heat of the moment to me - not the thought out answer of someone who doesn't care.

One of you needs to be the bigger person and resolve this - for DPs sake I think it should be you.

You are about to get married you don't need to start married life like this.

timeforachangebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 14:12:13

Nor do you need to be starting married life afraid to tell your husband how you feel weekly overnights at 2 months old is ridiculous and I assume she is having him in daytime as well.

YouOldSlag Thu 06-Dec-12 14:12:27

*I just hate the fact that from the beginning when she had a problem with me, she didn't talk to me about it she moaned at dp ad has done ever since.
I'm know I should have talked to her face to face but I'm not the type of person that feels comfortable doing so and worry about it turning onto a full blown argument and saying things we don't mean just to hurt each others feelings. That's why I sent her a text to start off with. Mil and I both moan at dp and I do feel awful for him being in the middle. *

But you are both as bad as each other here! You complain she didn't contact you directly and then explain why you didn't contact her directly.

OK I understand about the house not being ready- cross post. If your husband is in the military he will presumably be away a lot so it doesn't seem fair that he sets rules that you have to live with in his absence.

A 2mo baby should not be having weekly sleepovers at grandma's, it's way too young. Maybe you could tell him about this thread? Most mothers wouldn't let anyone do that.

As for your MIL refusing to visit the baby- she is being ridiculous and fussy. if you don't set firm groundrules now when your baby is young, she will walk over you, especially if your DP/future DH is going to be away.

Start making a stand now and start as you mean to go on.

LemonBreeland Thu 06-Dec-12 16:48:12

You are allowing your mil to overrule you as a mother. If she wants to see her grandson she can, but it should be on your terms not hers. You need to speak to your dp about this. When will it end? Does your mil get an overnight once your ds is at school? The Longer a situation like this goes on the harder it will be to stop. And your dp will let it continue even if he doesn't want to as he won't want to upset his Mum.

Just tell your dp you miss your ds too much and he can go around for an afternoon visit at the most, or whatever you are comfortable with.

Speedos Thu 06-Dec-12 20:04:48

My dp loves it that mil can have him overnight

Does your DP like this because it gives him a break from the baby? Does he find babies hard work because he is in for a rude awakening when you have a toddler!

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 06-Dec-12 20:23:59

Over nights once a week started at such a young age? It's sounding very much like a contact arrangement.

I would be cautious about it

elizaregina Thu 06-Dec-12 22:02:27

Nicole

You poor thing. This is totally about control, she cleans obsessively because she is trying to control her world - her life, she is anal about her house because she needs control.

she thought she had you all to herself adn then you invited in the enemey - your own mother......du du duuuuuuuurrrrrr.....

massive shock - shut down - couldnt handle it.

this is her baby with her son and his nice wife to be who seems to be nicely under her control thus far - a cosy sort of foursome when baby comes....

then you remind her - actually there is a wider world here and wider family and they WILL be also involved.

I have one of these Nicole, its been hideous. Truelly hideous. Its nearly broken us up on many an occasion and has been the main cause of arguments between us.

My DD also started to go to MILS at an early age you do need to decide whether you can get over your problems with MIL - and if you deicde you can - i would really try and do it now - see if you can resolve your issues to a degree ....because if further problems develope you will not want her to be in your childs life much and it may be hard to disengage later on.

My DD went to mils on a regular basis till last year - so until she was 4 and half....I have now cut right down on visits.

This is for many many many reasons.

Life is very organic - I conmplety understand why you went to stay there etc and accepted a break from your DC...if these things work out its all great - if they dont you only know they wont with hindsight!!!!

My Mil has also been dreadfully rude and snobby about my parents and my family -not wanting us all to mix at xmas etc...wanting my DH and DD to go to thiers at xmas leaving me and my poor DF alone! We would have them all to ours but our house isnt nice enough for them! My MIl has a " special room" we call the no go zone, its only used for xmas day!!! you are not allowed any coloured drinks in it....you sit stiff and awkard whilst we all chat about mils house and how you cant make a mess in it!!!!!!!!

Mine also changes and washes my DD when she went there - even for a few hours - she has also held onto our clothes we brought DD - I wouldnt mind but we have been " cruxified" in the past for not retuning any items belonging to them - etc...for them everyting must be in its place....

I totally see the smoke thing - I am sure she will smell it and probably be repulsed by it but unfortunalty - she will see her sense of cleanliness as way of being superior to others...its really horrid thing to be around...

at least she can talk to her son though - your DP thats one thing!!!

have a really good bash at trying to get over this hurdle - genuinly give it your all - if she doesnt bend - meet you half way - become nicer to you - after a decent amount of time - serisouly question if you want your child to be around this woman.

if she is not going to play ball i think you have every right to limit your sons visits.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 06-Dec-12 22:11:28

Wow just wow that you let this rude woman who treats you like shit have your - YOUR son! Tell her and your child man that until this woman starts treating you with respect she won't see him. You DON'T have to let her have him overnight you know just say NO!

SamSmalaidh Thu 06-Dec-12 22:37:32

Her reaction to your mum visiting makes her sound like a control freak.

Weekly overnight stays for a 2 month old just sound crazy by the way - I don't think any court would award overnight contact for a tiny baby to be separated from it's mother! If you don't feel comfortable with this then put a stop to it.

Kundry Thu 06-Dec-12 23:24:35

Even if you can't stop the overnight stays altogether, for goodness sake stop them being a weekly routine. Otherwise MIL will be expecting this to carry on until the end of time - when your kids are older, don't want to go, have clubs or parties or friends to hang out with, you want to go on holiday - and MIL will be throwing a strop about 'her night'.

Nobody lets their 2 month old stay overnight with someone else - even Dads don't get this in custody battles.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Fri 07-Dec-12 00:26:13

I recon she thought she would have first dabs on the grandchild with it living in her house and using all her equipment/clothes. Her nose must have really been put out of joint.

I really wouldn't be separated from my 2 month old.

LDNmummy Fri 07-Dec-12 01:22:32

*You poor thing. This is totally about control, she cleans obsessively because she is trying to control her world - her life, she is anal about her house because she needs control.

she thought she had you all to herself adn then you invited in the enemey - your own mother......du du duuuuuuuurrrrrr.....

massive shock - shut down - couldnt handle it.

this is her baby with her son and his nice wife to be who seems to be nicely under her control thus far - a cosy sort of foursome when baby comes....

then you remind her - actually there is a wider world here and wider family and they WILL be also involved.*

YES! YES! YES! AND YES!

This is exactly what I was going to say. My MIL is THE EXACT SAME (including the neatness) and it is a control issue and basic psychology (which is why it is surprisingly common).

You do need to nip the overnight stays in the bud now or she will slowly and tactfully try and get more out of you in the future. DH's mother tried to force on me her parenting techniques and was furious with me for not doing things the way she thought was best. When I was out of sight (which wasn't often which is why she tried to force me to do it myself as she felt was best) she would try to do things for DD the way she thought was best. She bought a cutlery set for my DD when she was two months old as she expected me to start feeding her solids at 3 months. When I didn't, she started bringing it up. Eventually she was shouting at me that I was starving my DD.

My MIL also HATED my DM or family visiting (we lived with her too, AT HER SUGGESTION so we could save money, and which was also used as a way to say she did us some huge favour and we were being ungrateful) and wouldn't even speak to them when they were in the house beyond saying hello and goodbye. She would avoid them and then be in a bad mood and snappy or withdrawn with me. My whole family picked up on this.

She started saying she was going to retire to look after my DD full time (so I could go back to work/education apparently) without asking if I would even be OK with it and even told me she had drafted in her best friend to help raise my DD in my absence too, all without asking me. Apparently another good intention of hers I was ungrateful over.

The list goes on... and on... and on...

Eventually it blew up into a big fight and we also left her home and moved in with my family till we got our own place.

If DH took my side then it was because I was influencing him. So basically if he didn't agree with everything she told him was right, then he was being controlled by me (the irony).

All these apparent good intentions and generous offers she bestowed on you were ways to get you under her roof and in her control. It looks like good intentions on the surface, but its just a way to control everything right down to what your child wears. She wants to play mummy with your child and have you comply. Your family is just a reminder that she isn't the mummy and your child has other family too. Its about possession too.

I'm just writing all this down because I don't think you need to be grateful for much of what you have outlined above. It is all control IMO, and no, you are not alone when it comes to controlling MIL's wink

MagicHouse Fri 07-Dec-12 02:03:24

Totally agree with PPs about the overnight stays. Nip it in the bud. Just say you don't feel comfortable with it, but that your DD can visit (with you!) during the day. I didn't let my DD have an overnight stay with anyone til she was 2! It's really unusual to be demanding (and getting) weekly overnight stays! You sound very young and not very assertive. But you CAN say this. Say it with a smile. Look your MIL and DP in the eye and say sweetly that you miss your DD too much. If they insist, just say "it's how I feel, maybe when she's older". If they say you're being unreasonable, say all your friends agree with you. Keep smiling. Just repeat what you're saying. Say youy know she wants to see her and you have no problem bringing her over (WITH YOU!!)
I only say it, because I agree with PPs who say she is controlling, and I think you'll find this increasingly difficult as time goes on, especially if your parenting styles differ. Freaking our because you wanted your mum to visit is really odd. She sounds very needy, wanting to mother your DD, and I don't think it'll be healthy for your DD as she gets older, and you'll find it harder to stand up to her as time goes by.
my (now ex, but lovely) MIL was never like this. But I've come across controlling people in my life, and the only way to be is assertive. Doesn't mean rude or unfriendly though - in fact it's ten times harder for them if you stay friendly and polite.

Mytimewillcome Fri 07-Dec-12 09:25:33

I wouldn't let my 2 month old baby stay overnight with anyone and especially with someone I dislike. Please try and stop this. She is trying to be a mother again and you have handed it all back to her on a plate. Please try and stand up to her. Your baby may not understand staying over at the moment but will at some point and will miss you. And make her visit at your house!

Mytimewillcome Fri 07-Dec-12 09:33:07

Your situation has made me very angry for you! You should be enjoying your baby and not dealing with all this crap. She is wrong!

elizaregina Fri 07-Dec-12 10:52:31

LDNmummy

Until you have experienced one of these first hand its very hard to explain, as you say all the gifts are usually about control.

If they werent they would happily hand over clothes, not change them, be free and easy about clothes both ways....

I went through a stage feeling sorry for my MIL as I felt her life was soo empty and sad, she told my dh " all i have in this world is THAT HOUSE".

when DD was born I made a huge effort to get on with them again, my own DM has passed away so I was hoping to really share this exitment with MIL> I got constant negativity!!! I brought TWO baby vests from a nice shop - TWO and naively showed them too her all excited, she inspected them for several mineuts then put them down with a tired sigh...." you really shouldnt buy anytiung you know - you will get loads of stuff".

Then she offered to help with the cost of a pram, again I got excited thinking we would ALL go out and buy one!

No, she went to where her mother lives in europe and THEY had a lolvey time choosing one! Choosing a pram for ME that I would be using every single day for three years!!! She was negative about EVERYTHING then when the baby was born she snapped and verbally abused me for about one to two hours.

She blamed me for her sons appearance - his job - his life - everything about him!!!! How he is with her and how he doesnt call her " everyday " to tell her how much he loves her - when her DD does!!! How I have ripped him apart from his family....etc...etc...etc....as you say LD any problems in thier relationship is now directly down to me,

Thankfully in my situation - even though its very very sad for my DH, he was actually in therapy when I met him - desperalty despressed because of his DP's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am waiting for the day when someone brings this up again, so I can set that record straight!

We have not spoken since the attack - I let DD go there - but she never came back happy - we had alot of pressures on us at the time, so we never thought it all out - they ruined hte birth of DD - I had a break down of sorts....and its taken me along time to recover as I had also lost a close family memeber very suddenly in suspiscous circs!

This time they have not been told of this DD - it feels so very wrong to hand over my children to people whom do not only not like me at all - but have also never said a positve thing about thier son, my DH!!!

Once you make these descions things get much easier - much easier than wavering - being afraid of hurting feelings etc etc etc...If the GP truelly loves the GC they will come down off thier high horse - and bend a little and accomodate.

I feel for all DILS dealing with these nasty horrid women!

elizaregina Fri 07-Dec-12 10:57:10

also no matter how strong you are - and in some ways i am strong - its still extremly undermining to have someone else so close who wants to be negative about every single aspect of the way you look after your child,

i said to my DH she would LOVE IT if something happened to me so she could take over!

she wanted me to put my two year old - into a car with people i have never met - take her to the airport - fly with her to europe then stay with her and her mother for a week....

this was all offered under the kind guise of...." to give Eliza a break to help her recover from her cold".

they even had the temerity to argue about why it was so right when we said - no thanks!!!

i know she would want to adopt my DD and do it in a flash.
because she can do things so much cleaner than me!!!

she told me her and her mother were " weeping every day" when DD was born due to our " filthy carpet".

LDNmummy Fri 07-Dec-12 11:54:29

" you really shouldnt buy anytiung you know - you will get loads of stuff"

Oh yes I heard this when I bought a pack of onesies and showed my MIL. Any time I talked about buying anything she would say this. She would even say it as if she was telling of a child, kind of like "I have told you already, you will get lots of things so there is no need for you to buy anything, just leave it".

I didn't bathe my DD for the first two months of her life because MIL had decided it was her role. When I tentatively would try to suggest I do it (I didn't like the way she did it as she wanted to bathe my new born daily and it was giving her inflamed eczema) she would say "don't you think I know how to bathe a baby? I have had <insert number> children you know" and then she would be upset for the evening. In the end I started bathing my DD before she would get home to avoid the confrontation. She realised this and resented me for it.

Anything and everything to do with my DD was turned into a tense stand off.

When I was obviously angry and she new she had pushed me to an edge, she would start being overly nice like OP described. After a while it would switch back.

I do agree that even if you are a very strong person, it is hard to deal with.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 07-Dec-12 11:57:57

OP

You post shows the reasons why a it it not a good idea to live with the inlaws or the outslaws. They want control. Hell would freeze over before I lived with either of mine, yet I love them dearly! .

elizaregina Fri 07-Dec-12 19:32:55

ld - you poor thing!!!! my DH said in some ways mines explosion so soon after dd birth was a good thing as meant she didnt come over again,

i thought it was an omen when mine knocked off DD's umblical cord before it was ready to drop off!!!

Nicole2781 Fri 07-Dec-12 23:49:42

I've just said to dp that I'm not very comfortable with ds staying overnight at mils and got the reaction of...'I need that one night off a week I don't see what your problem is, i know my mum and dad will look after him better than anyone else bla bla bla'

So we have now had a full on argument and its all gone shite again. I didn't even say it in a bad way I told him I'm finding it difficult being away from him so long. He's taking it as though I'm trying to stop his parents from seeing him which is not what I'm doing.

How do I sort this now? I really don't know what to do anymore hmm

timeforachangebaby Sat 08-Dec-12 00:07:28

Poor you, devil and deep blue sea here really - when is he away next?

LDNmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 00:33:59

eliza your DH is right, I wish I had followed my gut instinct and knocked it on the head sooner. Now I jus go around preaching to all and sundry about controlling MIL's and how to deal with them grin

Oh dear Nicole, it might be worth speaking to your health advisor. When I had my problems with my MIL, my health visitor was willing to come round and have a talk on the best ways to handle a new mother and baby relationship. A sort of way to explain to my DH and MIL that MIL needed to back off but in a disguised way IYSWIM. As if she had just popped round and could take it as an opportunity to engage my MIL and DH on how things were going so she could put my issues forward without it causing too much tension and as if it was just a normal visit.

Maybe your health visitor would be able to 'pop in' and talk to your and DH and discuss your anxiety's about your DS being away for a whole night at such a young age?

Nicole2781 Sat 08-Dec-12 00:34:46

I know hmm feeling sorry for myself right now trying to cheer myself up reading funny threads on here is helping thoughgrin

Not for a good while yet thank god!

LDNmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 00:36:16

speak to your health visitor, not advisor!

soundevenfruity Sat 08-Dec-12 00:42:36

Just a quick point. If your parents smoke you do realise that smoke gets trapped in their clothes and that is what your baby breathes in when they cuddle him? They need to wear different clothes or put something on top when they hold him.

Your annoyance is quite understandable, its hormones and general maddness about new babies that turns all relationships upside down. Your partner's mother is just another person to love your child and it's not any more about you.

MerylStrop Sat 08-Dec-12 00:53:54

LDN seems to me you are projecting your own experience onto the OP in a way that may not be helpful to her (possibly very different) circumstances

Nicole, poor you, this seems to have gotten blown out of all proportion. Would it be fair to say that you have a teensy weensy bit of an inferiority complex in relation to MIL? Are you quite young? Is she quite full on?

Can you separate the issues, here? You over-reacted by moving out, she was hurt and took umbrage (she should know better). Clear the air, move on. Re smoke, yep, probably the baby's stuff smells of smoke. Her reaction is disproportionate and IMO passive aggressive. If you don't want your child to be apart from you for a day and night each week, that's your prerogative as his mother. Sort the other stuff out and try to drop your own misplaced anger and defensiveness though. Otherwise it will just be another flashpoint.

Kiwiinkits Sat 08-Dec-12 01:34:34

As always Merylstrop provides a voice of reason

OP, overnight visits for such young babies are not normal - almost unheard of. I wouldn't have left mine overnight until at around 1.5 - 2 years old! Your DP just needs to suck that one up.

But, it sounds like you are being a bit immature and dramatic about all of this. Try not to take MIL's gestures about the baby as personal attacks. She was admittedly nuts about your mum visiting but she apologised for that and you have to move on.

In the meantime, roll on January when you can move into your own house. It will be a breath of fresh air to have your own space. There's no way in the world I would live with either my parents or PILs, EVER, and I love them all to bits.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 01:39:09

I agree with LDN mummy way up at the beginning of the thread.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 01:44:06

Yes, now I've read more I completely agree with LDN.Be careful, you could be driven nuts or depressed. Already you don't know what's right or wrong or which way is up.

Now think of this - if she REALLY knew what it was like to have a first newborn baby - she would not be doing this.

She IS doing this, therefore she does NOT know, therefore you can safely ignore her.

With regard to your husband, stand your ground. Don't get angry, don't even respond sometimes. It's only like that that he will see how unreasonable she is being. Also if you just go quiet and don't respond or obviously ignore it will irritate her into being out and out rude and unreasonable so that she won't be able to hide it even from her son and he'll see exactly what she's doing.

LDNmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 01:49:35

Meryl I knew someone would say that because I can see how it comes across that way, its my long winded posts grin But honestly, I am just giving my opinion based on what the OP has written. I only went through the effort of outlining my own experience because I felt like a lot of people were dismissing the OP's feelings that her MIL is really stepping over the mark in her behaviour.

My experience was arguably quite extreme, but I do think the OP is dealing with a controlling MIL. Her MIL txt's her DH to tell him that she wishes he and the OP's son were living with her, that is more than a blown out of proportion falling out. She has OP's son for a night a week and the OP is put in an uncomfortable situation if she says anything about this. The OP's MIL gets upset if the OP involves her own mother in a simple activity to do with the baby.

These would send alarm bells ringing for me with or without my own experience. I just think my experience -though possibly on the more extreme end- is very similar, and was using it to make my point.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 01:53:12

Yes - I think posts telling the OP she's being oversensitive and overreacting are in some ways quite dangerous - they'll make her doubt herself even more. I fear these sorts of situations can lead to PND or just plain depression.

Hope you've got a grand mum OP who's got a good sense of perspective.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 01:55:33

She's quite mad for example to think it's reasonable to take a baby away from you overnight at eight weeks and to get her son to try to push an unwilling mother into this. I mean, does a normal person do that? Would anyone on this thread do that? Course they wouldn't. It's bloody ridiculous.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 01:57:28

"It sounds like you are being a bit immature and dramatic about all of this."

Couldn't disagree more. Sounds like the mil is being over-dramatic and immature - to say the very least. I would add unkind, insensitive, selfish, self-centred and thoughtless.

LDNmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 01:58:31

Exactly Brycie, that is just not on.

if your dh says he needs a break from the baby and thats why mil has him... then swap them around. you have baby and mil can look after her own baby grin

MagicHouse Sat 08-Dec-12 11:03:50

I've just said to dp that I'm not very comfortable with ds staying overnight at mils and got the reaction of...'I need that one night off a week I don't see what your problem is, i know my mum and dad will look after him better than anyone else bla bla bla'

You say - "I'm telling you what the problem is, I miss my baby too much to be away from her one night every week". Tell him if he needs a night off HE can stay with his mum one night a week, but that YOU want your baby with you. Put your foot down on this one. Say you feel very strongly about this, and that it's very normal for a mum to want to be with her baby.

MagicHouse Sat 08-Dec-12 11:05:19

You don't need to row - just go on "repeat"! Say very sweetly, "no I feel really strongly, I want my baby with me. But of course YOU can stay with your mum if you need a break." Tell him you've made your mind up!

LemonBreeland Sat 08-Dec-12 11:35:52

Yep, agree with DavidTennant and Magic. He can stay with his Mum one night a week if he is in need of a break.

I think he sounds like a Mummys boy who is more worried what her reaction will be and thinks he can get around you easier.

You must stop the overnights, tell him it is not happening and you are happy for his parents to see your DS any other time.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 12:16:18

Magic that's exactly what I would say

Mytimewillcome Sat 08-Dec-12 12:47:55

What a great reply! You can stay with your mum and the baby can stay with me! Do it OP! Good Luck. You are the mother; you hold all the cards.

The posters who are saying you are overreacting are wrong. If you feel these things then they are legitimate feelings. These feelings don't just come out of nowhere.

Once you move will you be able to drop the overnight visits? I'm hoping that you will be so far away it won't happen anymore.

Hopefully once you stop the visits it will you the confidence to stand up to her a bit more.

elizaregina Sat 08-Dec-12 16:01:29

unfortunalty look like op went a while ago - whilst she was being told off for being OTT -I really hope she comes back to see the brilliant soloution to her DP getting a break!

Nicole2781 Sat 08-Dec-12 19:00:16

Hello I am here grin

Thank you all for posting, even the ones telling me off wink its helped me a lot so thank you.

Well I txt mil asking us to meet up face to face and say to each other what we think etc but she replied saying she didn't want to as she was afraid she would say something she would regret and couldn't take back. She just said she worries about ds and doesn't like the circumstances of him living with my parents etc and that she can't say anything without it being misunderstood.

I replied saying everything I felt how she makes me feel like I'm doing a crap job with ds and that I don't want her opinions on things she thinks is best for him as we are his parents and we are doing our best for him. I sort of went on a bit as usual and I think it was a little upsetting for her to read but I do feel better for getting it all off my chest and she knows how I feel.
We took ds to her house yesterday just after I'd sent the message and she was clearly upset with me but didn't say anything. Was a bit awkward and she didn't seem interested in saying anything to me and hasn't replied and I don't think she will. I'm not too bothered I'm just glad she knows exactly how I feel and what I think of her. So hopefully she will calm down a bit. I'm not interested in having a close relationship with her anymore I just want us to be civil towards each other.
As for dh about taking a day off... I said why don't you have a night off on Friday next week and stay at your parents house...he said yes and ill take ds with me confused... He knows how I feel about ds leaving me for a whole night but he thinks he has a say in it too and I should feel better if ds stays out for the night if he's with dh. So yeah... Not what id hoped for but I really don't want it to turn into yet another argument. Ill see how it goes and not have him go over the weekend after.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 19:05:23

Well done for saying something but on the overnight - Oh my god this is bullying of the worst kind. Are you formula feeding? What about routines and all that stuff? What if your MIL gets him up at the slightest hiccup and feeds him cos she likes it so much, and the next night you're up at two and four and you don't know any more when he needs to be fed or just cuddled - seriously big mistake. It's worth the row, I reckon.

YouOldTinsellySlag Sat 08-Dec-12 19:12:40

Nicole, well done for making a stand- it can't be easy and I would hate to be in your shoes.

It's good you're saying these things now to set the tone for the future.

I think you are being bullied on the overnight thing. I don't know any GPs who would expect their GCs to have sleepovers that young! At 2mo they are still establishing eating and sleeping routines and just need their mum.

I don't know what to suggest expect telling your DF how many mothers on this thread think it's wrong. Keep going on this one. If you give in on this, she'll start bossing you around about something else too.

As Brycie said above, it's worth the row now to make it clear where she stands in the future.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 19:50:04

I know you feel alone in real life on this with your husband and MIL ganging up on you but you have all these women in support of you and going through ti with you. Stay strong.

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 19:56:30

Seriously I would say this - you can't trust her with your baby. How do I know this? Because she doesn't know what's best for your baby. How do I know this? Because she wants to take a 2 month old baby away for a night from an unwilling mother.

elizaregina Sat 08-Dec-12 20:25:22

Brycie

absoluty right, this is what concerned me in the end about my MIL, happily want to take my two year old - put her in a car with two strangers neither she nor I know - then put her on A PLANE WITH THEM......to take them to MIL who was abroad visitng her DM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of things like that - you would think she didnt see DD at that point it was already several times a month for long hours and sometimes over night.

I also thought MIL would relax over things in the house for her GC but not at all....

I really really think you need to get angry about this one nad make it clear your child will not be going with DP for the night at all.

I cant belive he even suggested it. I dont like the tone of it - its like he is "trying" to force you - like he knows what your up too - and he is not going to let you get away with it.

Of course there may be more back story here we dont know about - but even so - as others say - a two month old - away from you when you dont want it? Rather brutal and barbaric I would say.

Its worth the fight now than for the precedence to seep in later then its harder. well done you for getting everything off your chest to her!

I also know what you mean that when your DP has a problem with your own DP you totally understand and know where he is coming from, I am the same with my DF and my DH - your DP however is not aknowledging your feelings etc....and not giving you an outlet.

timeforachangebaby Sat 08-Dec-12 21:10:17

Its not about you feeling better about DS staying out for the night, you dont want him out for the night, DH wants a break, apparently this is why DS has to be gone for the night, so how is he achieving that by taking him.

If you dont want DS gone, then say no, I know its hard, and you sound quite young, so I imagine its harder still (as opposed to me who is an ahem older mum and less easy to push around!).

This is about DH not wanting to say no to his mum and so taking the path of least resistance.

He is being silly and deep down he knows it.

gimmecakeandcandy Sat 08-Dec-12 21:22:38

Your husband is acting like a child - tell him NO your baby won't be staying anywhere overnight without you and tell him to deal with it. He is being a fucking arse and you need to put your foot down! His idiot mother is treating you like shit and expects you to hand over your son?! Don't you realise she will start whispering things in his ear and do her best to turn him against you once he is old enough?
Stand up for yourself and demand respect lady!

LemonBreeland Sat 08-Dec-12 21:34:25

I feel really sorry for you. Your dp is going against your wishes currently your mil is shouting the loudest, so he is taking the easy route by upsetting you instead. I know you don't want to row, but I'm afraid unless you stick up for yourself and your son then they will walk all over yourself.

You need to be strong, you have mn behind you.

LemonBreeland Sat 08-Dec-12 21:36:43

That was meant to say because your mil is currently shouting the loudest.

LDNmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 21:39:17

From your DH's response I would think it is not so much about him having a day of but more about him pleasing his mother.

I would tell him "thanks, but no thanks, I would actually love to spend some one on one time with DS so you just go without him. Plus I would feel lonely if you were both gone".

Brycie Sat 08-Dec-12 21:40:41

Yes I agree, that whole thing about the row. He has to live with you, not his mum, so bend ear more than she does. Or better - don't bend his ear, just put your foot down and keep it down. And better in addition - phone your mother in law and tell her your baby will not be coming to stay overnight. And that is that is that. And if she still tries to achieve it through her son, she is really a very bad person and should be nowhere near yours - it should steel you in your purpose.

NomNomDePlumPudding Sat 08-Dec-12 21:42:30

it's quite likely that the baby is quite stressed by being away from you for the night, op. i would put my foot down on this one right now. perhaps this has not occurred to your dp, of course, but if it hasn't then he's not really prioritising the baby's needs, is he?

NomNomDePlumPudding Sat 08-Dec-12 21:44:11

and yes, pick up the phone to the mil and tell her yourself that ds won't be staying over till he's older. this one is not up to your dp.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Sat 08-Dec-12 22:23:06

I really feel for you. Bloody families drive you nuts once you have a baby with all their interfering.

Two months is too young for both of you, not just the baby. Mums are designed to be close to their infants too. He will miss your smell and the scent if you. I also agree with the need for consistency at night, as it will cause problems later on if she does one thing you do another.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 08-Dec-12 22:40:48

He's being a giant git.

Op you know if you left him he would not get the option of doing that until your ds was at least one. Do not let him and her set a routine like that or you will not be able to stop it.

First of all he needs a break from the baby so baby has to go to gp's then you say no but he could so he wants to take the baby. You know damn well this is about his mother wanting your baby without you around

mammyof5 Sat 08-Dec-12 23:23:42

i dont think yabu at all if anything i think you are underestimating the control your mil has already of your ds

she likes to have him over night so she can do things in the day without you she has her own clothes for him.

it sounds like this has been going on for a while, how long has your ds being staying with her over night

i am sorry if this is harsh but what an earth posed you to send a tiny baby away for a night every week. you live with your parent who i presume are hands on with your ds so it cant be because you need a break

i totally agree you should put a stop to it now as it will only escalate. you cant say no now how are you going to say no if bh is away and he suggests your ds goes for a weekend then a week after all she has been looking after him since he was weeks old.

you have had some great advice above. be nice always take the high road (easier said than done i know) and be firm he is your son not hers.

if your dh doesn't like it he can lump it i will choose my dc over dp any day

MagicHouse Sat 08-Dec-12 23:57:31

Put your foot down! Your dh is not listening to you. There is NO NEED for your baby to stay overnight WITHOUT YOU! You don't want this to happen, so it doesn't have to happen. It's obviously not about your dh wanting a break if he wants your baby to go to. You need to say, "no you've misunderstood me. I don't want to be away from ds for the night. YOU can go if you want a break, and I'll take DS with me to visit your mum." Be really strong about this. It's important. Neither your dh or your MIL are taking your feelings into account here, and I think it's important that you stand your ground now, while your DS is so young.
If your DH says he doesn't understand, tell him right back that neither do you, that it seems he wants your DS to be away from you for the night, even though you've told him many times you don't want that to happen. Ask him why he wants that.

holidaysarenice Sun 09-Dec-12 04:13:19

if she is slagging you off to dp, he needs to grow balls and stop it. he suggests she sits down like an adult and discusses it or she shuts up.

if you are using her as childcare for sleep, you put up with the clothes issue, if hes going for a visit, you go to and no changing happens.

under no circumstances would i accept "move home" comments, i would suggest to her dp that this will only occur if he is leaving you and baby. and point out to ur mil that this will make him a single parent and is that what she wants?

i wouldnt stay away because their is atmosphere as that is what she wants to drive a wedge, do the mean dil routine.

however the things that occured before the birth, forget them. chalk it up to experience. but remember he his your and dp's son, not anyone elses. your mil must come through you and dp to get there and it will be on your terms.

honestly i would stop using her as a babysitter for a bit, yes its hard but its wats making her think she can do this.

holidaysarenice Sun 09-Dec-12 04:17:24

i have just read about dp and his mum with the baby at night. NO BLOODY WAY!!
im sorry but that is exactly what she wants her baby, and his baby, under her roof with no DIL causing problems.

she will be in ur dp's ear about how easy it is, didnt he get a good nights rest, how good of her it was etc.....that is a bed you dont want to sleep in.

just refuse, say no, you mil is too old, wouldnt put her out, whatever but no way does that baby go without you.

LetMeAtTheWine Sun 09-Dec-12 05:32:57

As a previous poster said, your husband taking DS with him overnight does not make sense. You told him you didn't want to be separated, he said he needed a break. The obvious solution to that is he goes to his parents and has his 'break'. DS stays with you so you are not separated. This suggestion has now been twisted so he takes son with him meaning you are separated and doesn't get a break! Please ask him to explain how this makes any sense!
I agree with the others that if you don't want DS to go you need to make this clear now - unfortunately it is difficult but the longer it is left the harder it will get sad

Lavenderhoney Sun 09-Dec-12 08:53:40

Im not sure what your dh is taking a break from as he takes his son with him? Is he leaving you alone for the evening, night and next morning to sit in with his mum? What do you do with yourself for this enforced separation? And where is the baby sleeping? If he wants a break from being woken and feeding surely he would stay with you, or you come too. Two months is way too young for you and your baby- whatever your mil says or your dp, your baby needs you and no one else esp at night! Does she hold the same views as you on aspects of newborns, is she having a go at controlled crying? Or co sleeping?

As its nearly jan, there will be no need for the overnights to continue anyway as you say you will have yor own home then. You must be firm about that-when you have moved in- just say you don't need or want a break from your ds. That's it really, you don't have to have excuses or negotiate. though you might want t retina a relationship with a dp that bends his will to his mums.

I hope you have Christmas sorted as otherwise your ds will be spending it with mil and you on your own at your parents. Going forward, stop the overnights, As you miss your ds too much and it's not for your dp or mil to decide that for you! If your dp prefers to spend his weekend with his mum so be it. If you take ds, you stay. And when you move she can come to you and visit just like your mum.

I hope you aren't moving too close!

Mytimewillcome Sun 09-Dec-12 09:33:14

I can't believe your husband suggested taking your baby with him! This is all to do with his mother and nothing to do with you or him wanting a break. Its obviously his way of 'making up' for all of you not living with her.

Not sure what MNetters think about your parents talking to her or will that cause more problems? I imagine like most MILs like her, her husband just keeps quiet. The early suggestion about your HV talking to her is a good idea. Also putting the pressure on him and then keeping the pressure on him also seems like a good idea. See it like training a child where you have to keep repeating yourself until he realises that you aren't going to budge.

You are doing well though. Keep going!

SanityClause Sun 09-Dec-12 10:02:29

It took my DH years to understand that he couldn't please both MIL and me, always. Sometimes he had to make a choice and if he wanted a wife and children, that meant choosing me.

He can't say one thing to you, and another to MIL. The attitude of "anything for a quiet life" is counterproductive not to mention cowardly.

Do what MagicHouse said on the previous page.

MrsAmaretto Sun 09-Dec-12 10:54:08

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I'm sorry but its not normal for your husband or anyone to take an 8 week old baby away from a mum who wants to keep the baby with them. Please speak to your health visitor and your parents to get some help standing up to him. Perhaps the hv could talk to him.

My pil constantly nag me for them to take my son over night (since 4 weeks old) - they live 2hours away on an island - I couldn't get to him if he wanted me overnight as there are no nighttime ferries. I keep saying no - he's 2 1/2. If you don't feel comfortable with something suggested for your child say no.

YouOldTinsellySlag Sun 09-Dec-12 11:08:33

MrsAmaretto- that is very good sense.

OP- get some back up. get your HV, your parents and maybe even your GP to reiterate that at 2mo, your baby should not be taken from you overnight.

Bullies back down when outnumbered and that's what your MIL is, a bully.

Brycie Sun 09-Dec-12 12:43:49

"If your DH says he doesn't understand, tell him right back that neither do you, that it seems he wants your DS to be away from you for the night, even though you've told him many times you don't want that to happen. Ask him why he wants that."

This is excellent advice from MagicHouse.

LemonBreeland Sun 09-Dec-12 13:02:21

Another point. When parents split up a baby that age would not get overnight visits with the father. No judge would rule that. Not for a good long while. Just to make the point of how not right it is.

Mytimewillcome Mon 10-Dec-12 08:58:01

How is it going Nicole2781?

Have you managed to sort things out?

ChasedByBees Mon 10-Dec-12 09:14:07

My DD is 11mo and I've not spent a night apart from her yet. Admittedly she still BFs all bloody night long but emotionally neither of us are ready. My DH and her accompany me on all my business trips so we can all be togehter. OP, this isn't normal and it's worth the row. I'd get your HV to speak with your DH if he's not taking you seriously. You can then deal with the not taking you seriously later.

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 09:22:06

He is YOUR baby, not your mil's. He stays with you. Your dh should not be siding with his mother using YOUR baby as a weapon. And in case he's having trouble working it out, remind him who it is he wants to have sex with.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 26-Dec-12 20:28:53

Op - update?

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