To be so fucking angry and feeling guilty and shit at the same time.

(39 Posts)
TboneAndClifford Wed 05-Dec-12 21:06:20

Sorry for any vagueness in this thread - I don't want to out myself. I have nc'd.

My dad lives with us and is suffering from an illness that is gradually physically debilitating. He is mentally sound but I think he's losing the plot due to his age and perhaps due to his illness.

Today I came back with dc after doing the grocery shopping and dad was home as usual and helped pack away food. He then decided he wanted to empty the recycling box. I always have to remind him to leave the bins as its DH's job but he likes to keep busy. Long story short, he came back from doing the bins and I was busy making him food in the kitchen.

I realised I couldn't hear my DS (11 months) in the living room. So called dc1 and asked if he was with her upstairs. She was in the loo and called back no. I went upstairs and he wasn't there. Came back down frantically and he wasn't anywhere downstairs. I could hear a muffled cry but he wasn't anywhere. Suddenly I realised the sound was coming from the front garden. I unlocked the door and my poor baby was sitting outside on the ice in the dark crying. He'd been there a good 5-10 mins.

He obviously followed dad out but how the fuck he didn't realise and fucking LOCKED the door behind him is beyond me. I screamed oh my god and picked him up and just shouted at dad. His whole body was cold and his lips were blue. And I just ran up to my bedroom and warmed him up. I wanted to cry. He could have crawled onto the road and got hurt. We might have left him for longer and he could have frozen. I just have all these horrible thoughts in my head.

I feel guilty for shouting at dad, but this is my baby's life he's put in danger. I just feel so angry at him and guilty at the same time. He's ill and I'm such a horrible bitch. sad

nilbyname Wed 05-Dec-12 21:10:04

Oh my love, how frightening. I think you have to take it easy on yourself, you got a huge scare, it could have been worse, but thankfully it was not.

How is your dad now? Does he have a social worker? Is it time to review his care package?

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Wed 05-Dec-12 21:11:17

Oh my god, you poor thing. No real advice but have a [hug] from me, that must have been bloody awful!

I bet your dad understands why you were so angry and won't hold it against you at all, can you try and speak to him about it?

Sorry, im not much good but couldn't read this and not reply!

Glad your DS is okay

NatashaBee Wed 05-Dec-12 21:11:21

How awful sad Your poor baby sad No advice really, but if this is likely to happen again maybe you can get a door alarm? Some friends of ours have one - it's not a siren, but it does shout 'DOOR OPEN' repeatedly so you can't miss it. Maybe it's time to think about what else you need to make more secure.

ssd Wed 05-Dec-12 21:11:51

wow sad

I think you need to be considering a care home for your dad, I say that as someone who gets what you're talking about xx

Gillyweed001 Wed 05-Dec-12 21:13:38

It must have been awful for you, glad he is OK.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 05-Dec-12 21:13:45

Sounds like with a small baby and a sick Dad you have rather too much on your plate. Is it time for to consider alternative care arrangements for your Dad.

pictish Wed 05-Dec-12 21:14:11

Awww that must have been horrible for you. You have my total sympathies. You say you could have cried. Well, I would've.

Here's what I think.
You are feeling the pressure of being responsible for your dad. It's hard work, and you feel exasperated.
Anyone could've done what he did. 11 months is small, and when you're distracted by the task at hand, slip ups can occur. I'm sure your poor wee son didn't suffer because your dad was stupid, or didn't care. Your dad didn't do it on purpose. I'm sure he feels awful.

I would have been utterly horrified justg as you were, so I do understand, but I think you should go and make it up with him. Bless you all. x

unclefluffy Wed 05-Dec-12 21:14:48

You're not a bitch. You're protecting your precious baby.

Now get positive. Think about the things you need to keep everyone safe. More baby gates? Time for your dad e.g. at a day centre, so you can relax and so he can be busy without getting mixed up with your routines all the time? What about a plan for the future, for when he becomes too ill for you to look after (given that you have to look after your kids too).

Start thinking about the other things that could go wrong too. Do you have smoke alarms, to protect you in case the stove is left on and something catches fire? Can you fit your dad into some of your routines, so that he can follow step A, step B, step C etc? Might minimise the chance of mistakes being made.

CabbageLeaves Wed 05-Dec-12 21:15:34

Oh please don't be so hard on yourself. sad So many conflicting issues for you. Two people you love and both need you and cannot help you or each other

Kbear Wed 05-Dec-12 21:15:46

I get what you're talking about too

I'm sitting here crying at this moment about my in laws whose dementia is pushing me and my DH to the brink of insanity

A door alarm is a good idea. Social services might be able to help but in our case they don't seem to be able to.

StormyWeek Wed 05-Dec-12 21:16:35

Your reaction is totally normal! Can you go on like this? Your children's safety has to come first. Do you think you can be more vigilant now that you know what can happen? Or do you expect your poor Dad's behaviour to deteriorate? Poor you- you need to get more info about his prognosis.
Please don't feel bad about your reaction- I'd have gone mad!

CombineBananaFister Wed 05-Dec-12 21:17:04

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE BITCH !! You are just faced with the impossible task of trying to raise/protect your family in a normal environment with somebody who is mentally declining. You cannot predict their behaviour or moods and it is heartbreaking and I sympathise as someone dealing with someone with dementia but I don't live with them so god knows how you cope. You are doing a fantasic job and iIF for two mins you weren't there you cannot beat yourself up about it-no-one can be a 24hr nurse full-time but it is maybe the time to look at alternative arrangements however hard that may be. You still love your dad, you are a parent to an 11 mth old - you are doing your best and allowed to feel angry

TboneAndClifford Wed 05-Dec-12 21:17:30

We saw his specialist today and it was decided everything was fine. His illness hasn't got to the point we need extra help.

I know he understands why I was angry, he kept saying he didn't realise.

We already have stair gates fitted for the stairs but might think about another for the room.

Pictish, you are spot on. Thank you. I know he didn't do it on purpose I just feel so scared something bad could have happened.

ssd Wed 05-Dec-12 21:18:49

kbear, I had wondered how you were all getting on sad

pictish Wed 05-Dec-12 21:21:35

Of course you do. I would too.

HassledHasASledge Wed 05-Dec-12 21:22:31

You're far from a bitch - you sound like a bloody good daughter.

But it's done, it's over - don't beat yourself up with "what ifs". None of those "what ifs" happened, your baby is fine. You've had a hell of a shock - take your time to get over it.

And then yes - think practically. There will be a way to sort the door thing (just a gate for the living room?), your awareness of what's going on will be in overdrive now so it won't happen again, and you maybe need to talk to Age Concern about your concerns re your Dad and to find out what extra support you can get.

TboneAndClifford Wed 05-Dec-12 21:22:43

Uncle fluffy, yes we have smoke alarms. I think the gate for the main living room is definitely needed. I'm going to buy one as soon as possible.

Dads illness will worsen. His physical ability fluctuates. I suspect he may be going deaf too. I'll have to book that appointment too. How he didn't hear DS is beyond me.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 05-Dec-12 21:29:21

How dreadful but yanbu I would rant as well then cry.

Do age concern still advise on products that can make homes a bit safer for older people? Perhaps they could surgest things on top of the stair gate

Kbear Wed 05-Dec-12 21:29:45

ssd - can only be described as a disaster waiting to happen. I've not been on here much, too exhausted to keep hashing over another day's utter madness. Thank god DH is my rock and I am his, but it is pushing a happy marriage to the brink also. Social services keep insisting they don't need a care home - but they don't experience what we do. The calls in the night, the disappearances, the fighting (yes they've been happily married for over 60 years, now they're fighting), "the government are tampering with the clocks because there is a 12 o'clock in the day AND in the night" (and they can't tell which is which so keep going round the village at 4am for tea bags)....the neighbours keep saying "they should be in a home" - yeah well you can't PUT someone in a home that doesn't want to go if social services won't intervene.

sorry to blub on your thread, Tbone.

Glad your baby is safe - what a worry for you.

lola88 Wed 05-Dec-12 21:33:33

oh poor you and poor DS sad that must have been awful.

You are not a horrible person DN almost jumped on DS's head when he was weeks old because she didn't look where she was jumping and i screamed at her i felt terrible after it as i've hardly ever raised my voice to her never mind screamed at her but i think it's just the maternal instinct kicking in when something or someone threatens your babys well being even if it's an accident. Just apologise to your dad for shouting make sure he's more aware of where the baby is in future and move on i'm sure he feels terrible too but he will understand that you got a fright.

ssd Wed 05-Dec-12 21:35:36

oh kbear, I'd hoped things mught have moved on and a nice safe care home would have been happening now sad

I'm sorry for you both, its a nightmare right enough

(sorry to hijack op)

TboneAndClifford Wed 05-Dec-12 21:40:08

Thank you for all the helpful replies.

I will look into age concern and see if they can make any recommendations.

It's okay kbear, your situation sounds really hard.

Kbear Wed 05-Dec-12 21:43:24

Tbone - there is usually respite care available if you ask Social Services - day centres where he gets picked up etc. Hope you work something out and don't beat yourself up, all is well in the end.

PropertyNightmare Wed 05-Dec-12 21:43:51

You poor, poor thing. No helpful advice, just a massive hug for you
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escorpion Wed 05-Dec-12 21:51:38

(((Hugs))) OP. My friend´s dad had early onset Alzheimers. She looked after him as much as she could but it came to breaking point and it was decided he should go into a home. It was so difficult her looking after him, epecially as he got worse, and she didn´t have children. The responsibility is huge and I can only imagine what you are going through. Bless you for looking after your dad and caring. I really hope you can get the extra help and support you need and deserve.

Meringue33 Wed 05-Dec-12 21:57:14

If its dementia... Support through Dementia UK, Uniting Carers or Alzheimer's Society. Hugs to you xxx

TboneAndClifford Wed 05-Dec-12 22:01:56

Thank you everyone.

Leaving dad in a home just won't ever be an option. He is like I said mentally sound at the moment and I wouldn't want him thinking he's a burden. I have a sibling who lives close by who never helps. Never phones up and asks if dad is ok. It makes me so angry. My dad worked night shifts and worked bloody hard to provide for us, and his eldest son is too busy engrossed in his own life.

Dad goes and stays with my other sibling abroad for a few months twice a year, so I do get a rest from it all for a couple of months a year.

Corygal Wed 05-Dec-12 22:19:42

Ow, you poor poor thing. Everyone would shout - it's natural. Luckily yr DC is fine - no harm done. But...

- if yr dad is ok mentally, then a good yell won't have done him any damage and he will understand why you freaked. Baby locked in freezing garden is a no-brainer. Give him a glass of something and apologise.

- if he's losing it, a good yell will have done him even less damage - he won't remember it. They are too selfish to care about others, anyway (symptom). You're left shaking and need 2 days to recover but the dementia sufferer is oblivious - it's about the only advantage to the appalling illness.

If it's any help, the first thing that made me wonder about my Dad, who is very much not all there, was when he was given care of his toddler GCs for all of 3 min when I took a work call. When I came back downstairs, he sat back in his armchair and said with satisfaction 'I suppose you realise they've left the house'.

Both GCs were fine - playing in a bush - I wasn't. I don't want to break this to you, but if it is dementia, you really can't rely on yr Dad for anything. Suggest trip to GP.

Either way, crack the wine open and chill with yr Dad - it's a bad day and you, far from being awful, are guilty of nothing but caring.

gordyslovesheep Wed 05-Dec-12 22:22:30

OH HOW HORRIBLE, SCARY AND SAD sad - sorry caps locked !

Big hugs and a large gin x

ssd Wed 05-Dec-12 23:01:35

op, a good care home can be a blessing, honestly

I know what you mean though, but you've got a baby to consider as well as you and your dad

good luck xx

ssd Wed 05-Dec-12 23:03:54

and op, take it from me, you're not shit

as another who was left alone in the family to look after mum, with siblings who did nothing, I can understand your anger only too well

but shit you're not

TboneAndClifford Thu 06-Dec-12 10:29:22

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Thanks ssd. I try not to get angry, but the feeling of resentment is building up gradually. I've stopped meeting my brother and avoid family situations with him incase I blurt out how horrible and selfish he is.

Everything is fine this morning. He is still doesn't understand how it happened or why he didn't hear him. I've told him that the front door can not be left open when we go out to the bins from now on. He understands how dangerous what happened was. DS is fine aswell, active as ever. This will be an interesting story to tell him when he's older!

ssd Thu 06-Dec-12 22:53:47

I know what you mean about avoiding siblings, I do it too and have done it for years, I have years and years of resentment in me

but please, consider other forms of care for your dad, sometimes we cant offer the kind of care we want to be able to, due to us having limitations with our own families, it really sounds like your dad needs to get assessed due to what's happened, for his safety and yours, I don't want to frighten or moan at you but next time the outcome may be far worse and you cant be everywhere at once

xx

Seabird72 Thu 06-Dec-12 22:58:51

you have a lot to cope with by the sounds of it. These things happen and are very scary. I took the dogs out for a walk early one morning and was gone about an hour - when I got back the next door neighbour came to get me to say my dd (then only 4) had got out of the house and he had found her wandering about - she couldn't get back in as she had pulled the door shut behind her - dh was home so should have been watching her but had decided to go in the shower and thought she was in front the tv. I was livid and god knows what would have happened if the neighbour hadn't found her.

Hobbitation Thu 06-Dec-12 22:58:59

I'd have yelled at my dad for that. I've had two GPs living with us at different times so I know what it's like. I think just keep in mind that he can do stuff like this and treat it as if you are alone with the 11 month old IYSWIM, or that your dad is like a young child and can't be trusted. sad

MammaTJ Thu 06-Dec-12 22:59:03

Not read the replies, but I think you may have to review the 'mentally sound' opinion.

Glad your quick realisation meant your DS was ok!!

AlbertoFrog Thu 06-Dec-12 23:49:47

How horrid for you, how frightening. Glad DS is safe and sound and hopefully totally unaffected by all this.

Can I ask though, was your dad supposed to be looking after your DS at this time? It's just that more times than I can count either DH or myself have thought DS was with the other parent and then realised that he was "missing" (within the house - we're not that irresponsible honest). And the number of times I've turned round only to trip over DS who has stealthily crept up on me from the other side of the room.

I'm honestly not trying to belittle your situation and I feel for you but I think this could have happened whether your dad was ill or not. Young children can be surprisingly quiet when they want to be.

Don't cut yourself up over this. You're sooo not a bitch. You're a caring preson who obviously loves her children and your dad. I hope things work out and you find an arrangement that suits all of you.

timeforachangebaby Thu 06-Dec-12 23:57:46

My baby sitter was on her way out to the pub (she lives a few doors away), when she found my 1 and 3 year old outside her door, the 3 year old blithely announced "DD is taking me for a walk".

They do these things even in normal circumstances!

I am glad your baby is ok.

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