to be a bit bemused and annoyed by this?

(50 Posts)
Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:11:23

I've just come home from my best friend's house and I'm sitting here in a "can't believe that just happened" kind of way.

She has a 6yo DS, my DS is 3, nearly 4. It was her DS's birthday today.
On Friday he had a party, he said he wanted only school friends, so my DS didn't go. He was fine, we were fine, all ok.

BF and I were at playgroup this morning and she asked if we wanted to come round for tea tonight, we could see her DS on his birthday as we hadn't been at the party, watch a movie, have pizza and eat popcorn. Our other friend and 2 kids were coming too.

We all got there, had fun, kids played fine, then her DS asked if he could put the TV on. She said "yes, we can put the movie on", told us all what it was.

Then her DS said "no, I wanted it to be just family" so she said, "Oh sorry guys, we will just have some popcorn" and then when he had moved away "it is his birthday and as they get older you have to let them do what they want"

So we have come home, its now 6pm (not UK) and i have got to find something for dinner for DS (not a huge problem as have chucked stuff in oven) who is quite annoyed at not getting pizza and a movie at his friend's house.

AIBU? or is this just rude and pandering?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Tue 04-Dec-12 07:12:56

I would have hit the ROOF if my child had been that rude!

As they get older you have to let them do what they want?

Oh, I want a front row seat for when that attitude comes and bites a huge chunk out of her arse!

ripsishere Tue 04-Dec-12 07:13:20

It does sound a bit odd. IIWM, I'd have sorted out some pizza for the other guests. By then, my DD would have come out of her strop and joined in.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Tue 04-Dec-12 07:14:58

Oh, meant to say though - she's your friend. There's a big age gap between the children. They don't have to be friends in order for you to be friends.

Perhaps just see her alone in future.

RedHelenB Tue 04-Dec-12 07:17:16

Does he not really like your son? Just cos you two are best friends doesn't mean the children have to be you know. Although once an invite had been issued I think it is rude to backtrack on it, but maybe he was never asked?

HairyGrotter Tue 04-Dec-12 07:18:48

Like HECT I'd hit the bloody roof if DD did that.

She is teaching her child nothing good, life is gonna be shit later for him when he learns not everything goes his way. My friend's DD is a bit like that, and she panders to it, I rarely go round there with my DD now because it enrages me too much.

YANBU, it is rude and she was definitely pandering.

WildWorld2004 Tue 04-Dec-12 07:22:51

What a spoilt big brat her ds is going to turn into because by the sounds of it he is half way there.

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:24:32

We lived next door to each other for over a year and the kids played together a lot. They played well together most of the time, although her DS can be quite sly and bullies mine if he thinks no-one is watching.
I'm dying to speak to our other friend but don't want to start bitching between us!

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:26:23

Also all the kids there were different ages, we are all part of an expat group that spends a lot of time together. None of the others would ever do anything like this.

ClairesTravellingCircus Tue 04-Dec-12 07:32:56

My DC would never be allowed to behave like that!

And I chuckled st Hecate's answer, front row for me too. Pass the popcorngrin

littlewhitebag Tue 04-Dec-12 07:35:54

That is so rude! I would have sent the child to bed and watched the film with the others who were there - birthday or no birthday!

thebody Tue 04-Dec-12 07:39:00

Rude spoiled brat. Surprised you didn't 'show your surprise' at the time.

I would have jokingly said something like 'oh so no pizza for us then, great!' Etc.

Hectare is right. This won't progress well.

Draw back a little from seeing her with brat. Make new friends with kids same stage as you and see her alone. You could always hint that its obviously because her child has moved on from yours. Might make her think.

pictish Tue 04-Dec-12 07:39:34

Incredibly the point of hilarity really!

I would be shocked too, if it had been me! I cannot even imagine any of my friends doing this - they ALL would've taken their son aside and got him told in no uncertain terms.

If this DID happen, I would be sitting with the shock hmm face on as well.

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:44:07

I kind of got up and said "well, what are WE going to have for dinner then?" And left pretty quickly.
DH is furious, her DS didn't even look up from the toy he was playing with to look at the present I got him.

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:44:58

I'm half expecting a text, will not be able to not say anything about this sad

Startail Tue 04-Dec-12 07:47:08


No way would I invite people for tea and then send them home without tea.

Her son needs to learn so manners and she needs to learn to him them.

lljkk Tue 04-Dec-12 07:48:58

That is beyond bizarre, OP.

Startail Tue 04-Dec-12 07:52:24

Even if your son wasn't his first choice of playmate, he can't uninvite some one mid visit.

He needs to learn that some times it is kind to do things that aren't exactly what you want.

My DDs play with my DFs DDs, so we can have coffee and a chat or because one of us needs child care.

They aren't totally comparable, but they manage and often end up enjoying it.

HairyGrotter Tue 04-Dec-12 07:53:02

My friends DD is his age, I've mentioned her behaviour to her mother, but she doesn't like my way of parenting so now we say nothing. However, her DD is having trouble in school due to her major lack of empathy. She's 7 now, I'm expecting her to have a hell of a time come teenage years and adult years, empathy is vital and usually well established by that age, if it's not, it tends to spell trouble!

I wouldn't be able to hold back if she text, OP. You could mention that you thought it was a bit rude

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:53:47

She did say "I must have misunderstood" but still...

Asinine Tue 04-Dec-12 07:54:03

She is likely to try to apologise sooner or later.

You need to decide how to handle that.

What are you going to say?

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 07:57:23

I genuinely don't know. She hates confrontation. They are such a lovely couple, unbelievably caring and generous, and she is a child care professional!!!

hattymattie Tue 04-Dec-12 08:02:51

YANBU - it is incredibly rude and as they get older you will not have to do what they want!!!! But I do wonder if the mother had invited you regardless of what the son thought - she should have really gone though it with him before. Once you were there though you were invited and you don't throw people out on the whims of a six year old. Child care professional - snort!!

She's an idiot- 6yr olds do say things like that but they need to be put straight not pandered too.

I would be tempted to be really petty and everytime she suggests something say your DS doesn't want to - "and as they get older you have to do what they want" etc, etc.

Floggingmolly Tue 04-Dec-12 09:17:12

What did she mean when she said "I must have misunderstood"?
Surely not the instructions of a 6 year old? hmm

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 04-Dec-12 09:25:53

Incredibly rude, your poor child. Your birthday is not a day to disregard others.
I know when mines been let down like this he gets so upset. She should have stepped in for the sake of the other kids - especially after 2 let's down.

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 09:41:10

I think so Floggingmolly.

No text or apology, not even from her DH who is usually more sensitive to these things.

Very disappointed sad

stifnstav Tue 04-Dec-12 09:42:55

So let me set the scene in my mind...

You, your DH, your Ds, other friend and her 2 DCs had to get up off the sofa and fuck off home on the say so of a six year old?!


I wouldn't ever go back, just in case the 6 yr old chucked me out again.

SavoyCabbage Tue 04-Dec-12 09:47:42

Get some new friends who aren't rued by the whimsy of an infant.

shock How rude.

My DS often comes out with stuff like this - he has autism and has very very little empathy. However he immediately gets told. I would never pander to him, I want him to grow up with some manners and social skills (even if they have to be painstakingly taught). Can't believe you were all invited round for pizza, film and popcorn and got sent home! Bet the other kids were disappointed. I'd have been fuming.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Tue 04-Dec-12 09:51:22

Really? She honestly said you'd just have to have popcorn and you said zilch?

HullyEastergully Tue 04-Dec-12 09:53:02

rude rude rude rude rude

she is doing her ds NO favours either

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 09:58:38

Everlong I didn't say zilch, I made a comment about having to sort dinner for DS and left.
I'm not sure our other friend was expecting dinner now, she wasn't at Playgroup so don't know what she was told

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Tue 04-Dec-12 10:02:01

I'm sorry op I didn't see that.

How odd. Is she normally a push over where her kids are concerned?

WinkyWinkola Tue 04-Dec-12 10:02:16

Bizarre behaviour.

I would avoid social arrangements with her in future tbh and just keep my distance. And I wouldn't be keen on the dcs playing together either if her ds behaves as you say.

Time to quietly move on without any drama or confrontation. It's not going to get better.

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes Tue 04-Dec-12 10:06:53

YANBU. Very rude of her.

It sounds like her DS rules the roost, tbh. The mind boggles about what kind of childcare professional she is like - I hope she doesn't look after other children at the same time as looking after her son confused

Agree with others that you should distance yourself a bit and maybe just see her without the children.

Sharksandfishes Tue 04-Dec-12 10:12:22

We've had concerns about her DS for a while (hope this isn't considered drip feeding). He bullies my DS sometimes and tells him to do things that would get him into trouble. DH can't bear him, and always keeps a close eye on him. He thinks this had nothing to do with wanting just his family and everything to do with being mean. I'm more annoyed because DH didn't want to acknowledge his birthday, and I made him saying he is only a child.
Since they moved out we generally don't see him as often, me and her meet 2 or 3 times a week with her younger DS and mine. I think if they suggest anything together as 2 families I will say no.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Tue 04-Dec-12 10:20:34

Very rude child and mother. She will have a very spoilt brat very quickly if this sort of thing continues. The child has already learnt to seriously manipulate situations.

Something similar happened to me recently. We were all very shocked.

In your shoes I'd text her and say that your son was really upset being sent away from the planned birthday film and tea and ask her to consider his feelings in the future. She obviously didn't.

pictish Tue 04-Dec-12 10:22:29

So would I.
Look - I have drifted away from friends in the past owing to the behaviour or attitude of their children.
It would be nice to be able to seperate the friendship from the motherhood (the most adult way to deal with it)...but when your child ends up being affected negatively because of it, it's then much much harder to suck up.

I would have been offended by this incident, just as you are - and believe me, I have a bloody thick skin. I'd think that anyone who would treat me and my child like that, on the say so of a six year old, was not a person I could view as an equal. Or a friend.

It's a small incident, but it tells you everything you need to know.
I'd be cooling things off, and if she enquired as to why, I would tell her. No big confrontation or anything just calmly telling it like it is.
After that she can do what she likes with it. She can wise up and make it better, or she can carry on parenting like a fool. And a rude fool at that.

The "Sorry - Jeremy doesn't want you now...goodbye!" routine would go down like a sack of shit with me.

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 19:05:54

Has she apologised OP?

Sharksandfishes Fri 07-Dec-12 01:49:00

No, hmm
I saw my other friend yesterday and she said "I bet DS was really upset, I can't believe she did that"
It turned out she didn't know about dinner until she got there but she was still shocked and said he is a little brat and that he is only going to get worse. She said she has never seen them discipline him, and that they made a decision a couple of months ago not to see them as a family unless they had to.
I feel better knowing its not just us.
We were all out as a huge group last night and I am sure the brats dad knew something was up as he is a lot more perceptive than his wife. DH is really good friends with him, so said he would say something if he brings it up.
I think the whole thing has really made me question our friendship, and that makes me really sad. hmm

stifnstav Fri 07-Dec-12 08:15:01

What a shame. But it probably is going to get much worse if they don't pull him up on it at all.

diddl Fri 07-Dec-12 08:45:30

Looking back at the OP, although I think the boy was rude-I do feel a bit sorry for him if he was looking forward to pizza & a film with just his mum, dad & brother & then others had invited.

Mother sounds ridiculous-how did you not just laugh in her face?

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Fri 07-Dec-12 08:54:19

I am wondering if the boy has already said he wanted ot to be just family and for some reason the mum invited you.
In that case, while still rude, its not so unusual for the child to say that. 6 year olds have a habit of speaking what they are thinking.
its all down to the mother. She should have stepped in and spoke to him. Not pandered.
But it sounds like she panders to him whether its his birthday or not.

I'm shocked, if I'd have done that as a child I would have been upstairs whilst everyone else had pizza and a film.

pictish Fri 07-Dec-12 09:12:28

I entirely agree that it is the mother at fault, not the child.
When I say I have drifted away from friends in the past owing to the behaviour and attitude of their children, I really mean because of their ineffectual parenting.

Spons Fri 07-Dec-12 09:15:40

I remember trying something like that when I was little (brat), my mom ended up having tea with my 2 friends whilst I sulked! Served me right!

starfishmummy Fri 07-Dec-12 09:16:30

I agree with Brady - yes the kid was rude and mean, but he is just a kid. The way the mother handled it was even ruder!

wonderingsoul Fri 07-Dec-12 09:28:56

i dont think you can blame the kid to much tbh. hes just turned 6, my ds1 likes to have movie nights just us, but i doubt he'd say what the little boy did if he'd have had friends there to.

his mother was in the wrong imo. she was being rude, not the boy. she should have pulled him to to the side and said

" you have invited friends over for pizza and a movie, it would be rude and upset them to send them away, so we will watch the movie and have pizza have some fun then maybe later tonight or tomorrow night we can watch a movie just us"

i agree she'll most prob have problems later on if she gives in and thinks the world revolves round her son.

freddiefrog Fri 07-Dec-12 09:36:21

Very rude

Birthday or no birthday, my child would have been told what's what

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