Mumsnet Talk

So, some new neighbours just moved in a couple of weeks ago next door. I am just sitting up in bed and have realised I can hear them having sex. It's just a bit disconcerting hearing "ooh, aah" over and over again. It's a terrace and the walls are thin but I didn't think they were that thin.
Having been on mumsnet for a while now, I think it's quite a common problem, isn't it? Not much I can do is there - I mean even if I did tell them (and I couldn't!!!!) there is probably not much they can do!!
Just glad they are not next to DD's bedroom.

Tell me I am not the only one to have this problem!!!!

I once saw a gag email on this matter where a fellow realised too loud/walls too thin when he logged into his wifi and saw the neighbours had changed the name of their wifi network to 'We can hear you having sex" - awkward!

Perhaps not quite as disconcerting as my friend's problem.

She can hear the old lady in the flat upstairs, pleasuring herself quite loudly now and then

The woman's quite deaf so probably has no idea how loud she is.

It is awkward but I'd rather hear sex than 'fuck off you bitch, if you don't I'm going to fucking knock you out' we used to have the sex problem but its mainly just arguing now.

Have a tune you put on every time you can hear them, if you use the same song each time it happens, they will soon realise you can hear them and quieten down a bit.

All you now have to decide is what tune to play.

We have same problem. Although the sex is significantly less of a problem than their DCs up, about and making a LOT of noise at 5am.........

Fire starter by the prodigy. We used to play this when our flat mate who had the room above was, ahem, loudly at it. <just dated myself >

'Lets get it on' will blatantly let them know you can hear them

Play the Benny Hill theme tune

I love all your suggestions!
Yes, it could be worse - they could be arguing or watching really loud tv all night....

Just shout back louder

just join in. call out encouragement.

Play the sound of a baby crying

PMSL at the evil genius song / sound suggestions

Just enjoy it

There was an article by someone somewhere about using your wireless router name to send messages to your neighbours. You could name yours something like "STOP FAKING IT!"

I think song idea could be a lot of fun, If you are careful to make sure each and every time they are having sex you play the same song, you could help them in a few years when they start to turn in to arguing couple, you could then play it, and they would suddenly have the need to have sex, you could probably get funding for the study.

barry white or would that just encourage them,

Rocket man, might be funny, unless it's a gay couple and they are female.

I hear my neighbours too, we are in an old terrace. I used to find it a bit uncomfortable but tbh I just accept it now, sex is part of everyday life after all and it shouldn't be any worse than hearing them in the bathroom or watching TV. I don't think it's fair when people complain about the noise, after all you have the choice to put some music on some headphones or wear earplugs if you can't stand it.

Also, if you can hear them, chances are they can probably hear you.

Rename your wifi.
Mark them out of 10 for effort and shout their scores to them once its all gone quiet.
Shout I know your faking through the walls during a particularly loud session.

There's a thread in Classics about this very thing!

Shout marks out of ten

Or a slow hand clap at the denouement

"Let's Get It On" played is good

I think we are quite noisy, but thankfully the neighbours will only hear if the windows are open. Which has happened

Great minds, IANOR

*IANAR

Dh applauded our neighbours after a particularly active session. Never heard them again.

You could shout 'sevennnnn'' like that old geezer on Strictly!

That French song from the 70s - Je t'aime!!

"you can be as loud as you want" from avenue q

I can hear you by They Might Be Giants...

quote, it would be like Pavlov and his dog! Instead of rang bell, dog ate food, it'd be play song, next door shag!! I've seen people get funding for worse studies

I posted about this exact thing after we moved at the end if September. It was two women, and they're both very very vocal.

It's not nice, but if its any consolation, you sort of get used to it. At first it woke me up (!!!!) but now I can just fall asleep.

Also, I now have no qualms in being as loud as I like when its my turn.

The older lady pleasuring herself is making me giggle but also feel a little uncomfortable...

I can hear the squeaks of the bed in the flat above me, sounds ever so boring, I'm used to it now

It's got to be George Michael I want your sex!

May I suggest Lulu & Boom Bang a Bang. Cheesy lyrics, bad beat - enough to put anyone off their stroke...

Sorry I can't link for full effect.

Pavlov and his dog

I know, I think it worth a try, there are certainly enough people on here who have the situation going on, if we just organise our finding,

anyone want to collaborate on funding application?

I would shout really loudly next to the wall 'GO ON! GIVE HER ONE FROM ME!'

Yell "Finish him" with the Mortal Kombat voice

pretzel

Hahaha pretzel!

pretzel that's genius

My neighbours go in for abusive dirty talk

'Take my cock you slut'

'yeah give it to me you bastard'

etc etc....

We had neighbours like this, with headboard banging and everything. I didn't say anything until I was woken up at 1.30am once and bellowed "For Gods sake won't you bloody shut up you noisy selfish inconsiderate fuckers." I'm not sure if the exact fishwife wording helped, or the accompanying loud knocking by me on the wall, or what - but we never heard them again. Moral of the story: don't wake me up.

Play Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D.

I would much rather hear sex than what we can hear...

Next door using the bathroom. Their bathroom is an odd shape and somehow they are very loud, so you can hear grunting and splashing in both the study and the bathroom.

It's nauseating.

Hahahahaha Tenacious D is an excellent choice. I'd so do that.

Im quite embarrassed to say this but when I met DP, he lived in a flat. Being a new relationship, we were at it all the time. Didn't realise how thin the walls were until he received a letter from the management company complaining about 'domestic noises'.

I was mortified. Even more so when the neighbour downstairs had to knock on the door a few days later about water leaking into her flat.

We live in a small town, everyone knows everyone. I see her from time to time

Once, I was lying in the bath and could hear the water splashing, but I was completely still..........Freaky.

Caja our walls were so terrible when we first moved into this house that we couldn't hear our neighbours having a poo, but we could smell it - especially when he decided to have a fag on the loo too <retch> We pulled all the plaster off the wall and discovered that the mortar had gone in loads of places, so we remortared above and below the floorboards and I'm happy to report that we are no longer troubled by the smell of someone else's poo and smoke. Check the condition of your walls.

Change your wifi router name to 'wecanhearno46shagging' or somesuch...

See. I must be a freak because I always find this hysterically funny and it doesn't bother me at all! Maybe it is all those years of living in student halls where you can hear EVERYTHING. One friend had particularly loud neighbours and she applauded them afterwards.

They did avoid her after that, though

Wait til they've finished and shout One Hundred and Eieieieieieieighty at la darts championships !!

Thanks everyone - you have given me a much needed giggle!!!!
It doesn't worry be to be honest - it was just a bit freaky - first time ever hearing someone else at it!!! I am single so can't reciprocate !!!

When they finish shout "no - don't stop - I'm about to come

Wait until they finish, then play "I Just Had Sex" by the Lonely Island.

If you haven't seen it before, YouTube it. It will make you happy.

maddening

Our bedroom (head of the bed to be precise) used to share a wall with next door's bathroom (bath to be precise). We used to hear something along the lines of squeak GRUNT squeak oooh squeak Ooooh squeak squeak OOOOOH squeaksqueaksqueak EEEEEEEEEEEE silence.

It was quite a small bath and I imagine they were quite crowded in there, but they seemed to enjoy it despite the friction burns.

Play Sex On Fire through the wall afterwards.

Or Maybe Agadoo halfway through.

When you see them ask how the renovations are going. When they say 'what renovations?' you reply 'oh I keep hearing lots of banging and grunting and assumed you were putting up new dry wall. ::innocent face::". If they have any shame at all, that should give them enough of a hint.

I could hear my former neighbours have sex. The girl was so loud and the noises so repetitive I assumed she was faking.

i could cope with the sex noise.. it was the fucking GIGGLING i couldnt deal with.. this couple are grandparents, and she GIGGLES like a fucking child when they're at it.

::traumatised::

My former neighbours were quite.. animated, but it was the punctuality that got me - you could set your watch by them.
At 10:35 on the dot the thud-thud-thud-thud-thud would start, and finished with a 'Gaaargh! Hm!" exactly seven minutes later. Every single night.

Charlie Brooker made a playlist called Aural Contraceptive. It is IMPOSSIBLE to do the wild thing with it on. Features, inter alia, 'Grandma's Hands' by Barbra Streisand, and 'I Love Europe' sung with all seriousness by Christer Sjögren:

open.spotify.com/user/charliebrooker/playlist/2uz17uyzXjsodWYzwsgp5J

and the followup, Aural Contraceptive II:

open.spotify.com/user/charliebrooker/playlist/37kW8lxKdkdSdJLslc0Sfw

I must give the new one a listen!

Al

I feel your pain!

We had some renovations done to our house and rented a semi d for a few months.
The couple next door used to go out every fortnight. Depending on the level of drunkeness they'd either argue ( and then have make-up sex) or just start as soon as they came home. The hilarious thing was, the guy made this noise every time he came. I used to look forward to that noise!

This thread is hilarious.

However, if it bothers you, it's time for some white noise: something like this www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lj1oFE0YB8. Download something like it onto your phone or mp3 player, put in some cheap earphones, press play and drift off again to sleep. Good for late night music, arguments and parties. I used to live next to nightmare students and this was the only thing that let me get a good night's sleep when they were being inconsiderate bastards. I found that so long as the rain noise was loud enough to block out most of their music I could sleep or read a book, even if I had the volume turned way up.

We used to shout scores out of 10 and applause at our old neighbours.

DH groans loudly in pain when turning over every night so fuck knows what our neighbours think.

But said neighbour lives with his Mother and Sister and everynight I hear a rhythmic tapping......

Play NIN Closer.

You could try my neighbours' technique. I once got a round of applause when I climaxed..... Don't think I've ever been disturbingly vocal since.

Surely you've got to play Tom Jones's Sex Bomb. It's well enough known that people will recognise it through a wall!

Or, if you want to put them off, If You're Happy & You Know It! because everyone else knows how happy they are!

We had truly obnoxious neighbours in our old flat, so I'd exaggerate any noise I was tempted to make to the point where I was shouting. DH thought it was hilarious.