to think this is a little insensitive

(44 Posts)

It's DH's birthday tomorrow, and it's the only thing he really celebrates in the year. (Not religious so doesn't do Xmas, Hallowe'en, etc)

This year we invited a couple of friends over. Unfortunately all of them cancelled due to illness. Not the best news, but fair enough, it can't be helped.

Or so we thought.

Turns out that one of them was too ill to come round, but well enough to go out and buy himself a games console (one which he knows DH would love but can't afford). And well enough to go to someone else's birthday drinks. And then post online about how great both things were.

Bearing in mind this is the same bloke who my DH is on the phone to every single day, listening to him talk about whatever is bothering him, usually until 3am. The same bloke who has been none to phone 3 separate times in one day because he was feeling low.

DH has always made time for him. Even when I was ill during the pregnancy, even when my mother was ill, even when our DS was ill. DH has always made sure he has been there (obviously without neglecting us).

I sent him a message to point out that no matter whether he meant it maliciously by posting those things, he could have been more sensitive. Especially as he knew that DH was struggling really badly with mental health issues.And it's not like he has no understanding of mental illness himself, so he can't claim ignorance.

I'm sure this wasn't meant maliciously, DH agrees, but there really was no need to be so blatant about it all. I pointed out to him that all it would have taken would have been to not make these posts visible to DH.

He sounds like a selfish user. He may not have meant it maliciously but it was thoughtless and a bit stupid. What is DH going to do moving forward? May I suggest not being quite so available.

Softlysoftly Mon 03-Dec-12 03:33:42

Cut him off he's a liar and stupid to boot.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 03:40:33

Thoughtless and Selfish your Dh should remember this when this friend needs him to chat too at late hours.
I hope you give your Dh a lovely birthday without that twat around.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 03-Dec-12 03:41:44

what a prick!

i used to have a friend that lied about not being able to come to things. and i think she knew that i knew she was lying as she was saying it. i dont get why she didn't just stop seeing me altogether. but no, she still wanted to have the coffees on her day off as i was on mat leave so was the only person could meet her, or she wanted to go to this shop or that shop but couldn't drive so did i fancy going 'with' her? hmm

WinklyVersusTheZombies Mon 03-Dec-12 04:28:20

Could he reschedule with his real friends, and ditch this feckless user? Not having to listen to him moan three times a day can be your DH's birthday gift to himself.

Happy birthday MurderHusband

MurderHusband sounds scary. grin

Yes really insensitive- if hes feeling ok enough to go & buy it he should at least offer to bring it to yours for your dh to have a try

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Mon 03-Dec-12 06:58:06

He's a selfish arse and your husband would be best served by realising that and withdrawing from him.

MammaTJ Mon 03-Dec-12 07:20:09

Has the 'friend' responded at all?

Nope, which is nice of him.

Unfortunately this guy is probably DH's only friend. He doesn't make friends easily. sad

TheShriekingHarpy Mon 03-Dec-12 08:03:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ Mon 03-Dec-12 08:59:32

Oh dear.

FivesAndNorks Mon 03-Dec-12 09:04:15

What an idiit

Ah, be sure your Facebook status will find you out! The number of times people have said they can't come to somethng because they are ill and then forget they have said so and post what they were really doing on Facebook. Morons. But if we dared not go to something of theirs....

This isn't a friend. He's a user. I'd definitely cut him adrift.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Mon 03-Dec-12 09:22:29

Is someone who pretends to be sick so they don't have to spend time with you on your birthday, then shouts about having gone shopping and gone to spend time with someone else actually your friend though?

SantaWearsGreen Mon 03-Dec-12 11:38:33

It sounds like he knows damn well he is your DHs only friend and is using that to his advantage. He knows that more than likely DH will always be there for him so he can do what the hell he likes to him. He is using him and walking all over him.

He was incredibly insensitive, and actually very stupid. If you are going to lie about why you can't go somewhere don't then give away the game by posting online where you really are. He evidently doesn't care about DHs feelings, he sounds like a jerk.

IWipeArses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:49:38

He might find he makes friends more easily without this vampire in his life.
As shit as it is, better to realise sooner than later.

LRDtheFeministDude Mon 03-Dec-12 11:58:02

I think he was more than a little insensitive and I think your response was very dignified and exactly right.

Your DH deserves something better than this.

FWIW, my DH, though he's never been shy, didn't have as close or big a circle of friends when I first met him - because the people he lived with were utter arseholes and put a lot of people off knowing him. As soon as he stopped spending so much time with the arseholes, he found it was much easier to make new friends. I wonder if it might be the same with your DH?!

LRDtheFeministDude Mon 03-Dec-12 11:58:24

Ha! Cross post with IWipe, clearly great minds think alike.

IWipeArses Mon 03-Dec-12 12:06:41


YuffieKisaragi Mon 03-Dec-12 13:44:57

That's really insensitive and rude, I'm cross on your husavbdn's behalf! And yours of course.

My sister did similar to me, claimed she couldn't come to her nephews' christening but then went out that night. Thanks!

icclebabyjesusheave Mon 03-Dec-12 13:48:12

What an arse. Not very bright either.

Basically, he lied about being ill so he could go and do something different. Thats a crappy thing to do.

Next time he calls and wants to speak for hours about his problems, I suggest your DH tells him he'd love to talk, but he's feeling ill. Include a couple of fake coughs for effect as well.

Not even a happy birthday message from this bloke today.

Just to make things even better DH's mum hasn't even wished him happy birthday angry She phoned earlier to see if we were going to take DS round to hers, then when DH told her he didn't feel up to going out, she tried to make him feel guilty by going on about her not getting to see her grandson. Never mind that we saw her 3 days ago!

What the fuck is wrong with everyone right now?!

To rub salt into the wound DS will not stop screaming. No matter what we do. He's obviously overtired, but will not fall asleep.

Happy birthday Murders DH, from me, my DH and the two little Beyonds smile

Frontpaw Mon 03-Dec-12 16:08:54

Is this 'friend' a bit thick then? Why did he not think that a) you'd see the post and b) you'd be pissed off?

It's up to your DH how to play it. You can't go all dragon on him, if he wants to forgive and forget.

Personally, I'd tell him to piss off amd play his Xbox next time he calls for advice or a shoulder to cry on.

I think he's one of those people who are booksmart but lack common sense.

DH is angry but doesn't want to lose his friendship.

Frontpaw Mon 03-Dec-12 16:34:13

Your poor DH! It sounds like list mum is hard work. I can't belive she didn't say happy birthday - I hope she at least remembers a card!

Forget them and arrange your own little celebration, with cake, presides nd lots of booze. Balloons optional (can't stand them myself. They may very well go pop and scare me).

I sent him a message pointing out that it did look malicious if he didn't even bother to say happy birthday. He's just sent me a message back saying "oh I thought he'd be a bit touchy this morning"


Aside from the stupid use of "touchy", does he think that ignoring DH is going to make him less "touchy"?!

Frontpaw Mon 03-Dec-12 16:49:48

He's a twat. How did he expect him to act after that stunt? I hope he bloody well makes and effort tomorrow!

IWipeArses Mon 03-Dec-12 18:26:08

Lose the friendship? This isn't a friendship. Sounds like his Mother has trained him not to expect much either.

I hope his day is improving.

Hey everyone, I've let DH read the thread and he wants me to say thank you to all of you. He really appreciates the time and advice you've given. He says you've got it all spot on.

He just wishes he had other friends so that he felt he could cut this guy out.

Unfortunately this isn't the first person to treat him like that. And I feel bad because most of them he's cut off in part due to me pointing out they were using him. I feel like I've isolated him.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 21:52:53

I doubt very much you have isolated him. For some reason he attracts those man friends who treat him badly.
My poor Dh has no friends, just a few at work who he doesn't see outside of work. His one best friend of 20 years had a mid life crisis involving an OW and cut off my Dh (I think he was ashamed of himself that we all knew) Since then Dh said Sod him, and hasn't got back in touch. He has you and the kids and I bet that means more to him than a user friend.

FabulousFreaks Mon 03-Dec-12 22:02:07

Gosh almost the exact same thing has just happened to me. As far as I am concerned these friends can take a hike, they have just shot way down my list of priorities.

I feel for your dh but he needs to focus energy on finding good friends and not use his energies up with shit friends.

TequilaMockingMagpie Mon 03-Dec-12 22:06:15

It sounds to me that Dick head friend was jealous that others were asked to join in with celebrations .

Does he cope with other friends at all ?

I certainly wouldn't be available to chat till stupid o clock next time .

Blu Mon 03-Dec-12 22:07:27

Happy Birthday Mr Goth - celebrate because you obviously have a fab DW who loves you and fiercely defends your right to be treated with respect.

You are also obviously a v lovely guy to be so reliably there, caring and patient with your friend.

Make yourself some Next Year Resolutions (these are the ones you make on your b'day, not 1st Jan).
1. Remember that being a good friend doesn't always involve allowing people to take the piss. You can be a good friend, even a better one. by saying 'hang on a mo', if you need to be calling me at 3am, perhaps you need professional help - ADs, sleeping pills or counselling, rather than an amateur like me who is even more amateurish at 3am. Go to bed now and go to the GP first thing in the morning'. And then tell him that you will not talk to him at 3am, but you will support him to get help.
2. Remember that to be a lovely guy, you can also be a lovely guy who is truthful. If your friend behaves like a prat, YOU be the one who calls him on his FB update. Message him and say 'If you were not going to come to my B'day drinks, you could have just told me, then I could have planned something else.'.
3. Don't let MrsGoth be your gatekeeper, even thuogh she does it cos she loves you. YOU fight those battles with your friends, YOU manage their behaviour. Having YOUR friends means YOU talk to them. Difficult convos are as much a part of friendship as fun ones, and being able to have those conversations actually makes friendhips more likely.


Have a good year smile

PretzelTime Mon 03-Dec-12 22:13:15

Sounds like your DH's friend is trying to make himself an ex-friend in a really assholish way! Seriously, not even a "Happy Birthday..."?!
Also what Blue said.

Wrt point 3, he normally does. He's not the shy and retiring type grin

However I tend to be a little more tactful and calm. So it was decided it'd be better coming from me in this instance.

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Mon 03-Dec-12 22:30:50

I have a friend who used to use me in very much the same way - I think I was the reliable shoulder to cry on/have coffee with when no-one else was available hmm. The final straw for me was when she phoned me on the afternoon of my hen night (17 years ago) saying that she was very sorry but she had a really nasty migraine and wouldn't be able to come. Imagine my surprise when later that evening I walked into a pub with my sister for a pre-hen night drink (not a pub we had planned to go to) and saw her enjoying herself with a different group of friends sad.

I still keep in touch with her from time to time (after not speaking for about 5 years post hen night), but more as casual aquaintances than "good friends" - it ruined the friendship for me, which obviously wasn't that important to her in the first place.

Happy Birthday Mr Goths grin.

Corygal Mon 03-Dec-12 22:40:56

Many Happy Returns Mr Goths - but let's hope yr awful 'friend' doesn't return. He might be a laff but you can do better. You're not losing much letting him go....

thanks MrGoth. Happy Birthday.

EricNorthmansFangBanger Tue 04-Dec-12 01:18:53

I second what's already been said here.

Happy Birthday Mr Goth wine smile

BTW, MrGoth shares a birthday with my LittleMissPratchett. He is an honoured man.

Winetta Tue 04-Dec-12 06:51:44

Sorry to hear - not very nice. Hope things get better for you all

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