To ask mothers of grown up sons what, if anything, their son has done to a woman that they are embarrassed about?

(78 Posts)
ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 16:46:46

I see so many posts about apparently horrid and unfair men on here, I wanted to see it from the mother's view point. I know from my experience that mothers sometimes find it hard to believe their son would behave badly or hurtfully. However some mum's must have a few stories? <Wonders if mothers ever really know full story!>

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sun 02-Dec-12 16:49:30

I can't imagine alot of the mums know the full story.

I did some twatish things as a teen, when living at home and she never found out.

PimpMyHippo Sun 02-Dec-12 16:51:29

The mother of the man who treated me badly thought I was a slut. hmm

TwllBach Sun 02-Dec-12 16:53:15

I know my mum is ashamed of my brother for cheating on his adorable girlfriend.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 02-Dec-12 16:54:34

I used to try get things out of my inlaws, all I got was 'he's bad news but we love him he can never live here again, we moved him out @ 14'

I should have ran then.

Mines are too young just now, I have been asked 'what if I have a girlfriend and don't like here anymore, can I tell her over facebook?'

I advised 'no, sit her down and tell her you have ran out of things in common and be friends'

Obviously my comments was 'in olden-days and everything is done via facebook today'......

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 02-Dec-12 16:55:40

My ex is perfect btw, a sad guy with problems...yeah big problems
that you in law people will know about one day soon-ish if I have my way. <bitter>

ihearsounds Sun 02-Dec-12 16:59:47

Might not find many mothers posting about their sons. Not because they find it hard to believe but because they learned their behavior from their parents. Not saying all like this, but there will be a few.

Think Pimp I had the same mil. She used to scream that I was a slut and other vile things. No wonder her darling son treated women like shit.
Another ex, he learned how to treat women like shit from watching his dad smack his mum around on a regular occurrence. Although she never left the dad, she does admit that they are to blame for the way her sons turned out.

carabos Sun 02-Dec-12 17:00:59

DS1 (26) lives with his girlfriend. They have been together about 18 months. He had a couple of fairly casual relationships at uni, but this is the first serious one iyswim. I have no idea if he has done anything in any of those relationships that I would be ashamed of, but that's not to say it hasn't happened.

Incidentally, there is nothing that he could do would make me take someone elses's side against him - he's my PFB after all wink.

My dh's lovely mum and dad told me in front of him that if he ever did anything 'unreasonable' and I felt upset or uncomfortable, I could go to their house and stay with them on my own until I found somewhere else. And they wouldn't let dh in the house until I'd moved out! grin

In my dh's defence, while he has occasionally acted like a bit of a ring piece, he's a lovely bloke and never ever have I ever felt threatened by him in anyway! Best in-laws EVER, I still joke with dh 'right, that's it, I'm movin in with your mam and dad!'

MissCellania Sun 02-Dec-12 17:11:59


Chubfuddler Sun 02-Dec-12 17:12:38

My mum was really horrified that my brother used to cheat on his ex girlfriend. Really appalled.

strumpetpumpkin Sun 02-Dec-12 17:24:57

i would hope that any mother of sons would be as supportive to their sons as they would be to their daughters. That doesnt mean minimising bad behaviours or excusing them, but still seeing the human behind the behaviour.
I would be there for my sons no matter what they did, even if i was the only one that was, and I would be there for my daughter too, and hopefully their partners too in the future of either sex.

Fairylea Sun 02-Dec-12 17:31:37

I know my exes mum (dds granny) is ashamed of the way he treated me. I left him but even though she was there for him she made it clear he had been an idiot. Too much pub time etc etc.

We wrote to each other and still ring each other from time to time and when I split up with my subsequent husband (he left me after having an affair, I do pick em) she immediately welcomed dd and I to stay with her whIle we sorted things out.

Dds dad, her son, has now moved to the USA so rarely sees dd but dd still goes to see granny and grandad very regularly.

She has always said I am the daughter she never had.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 17:33:28

My MIL completely turned her back on DH when he split with his ex.

Now, he cheated on her when they're baby was three months old so was a total and utter wank bag.

Now he's brilliant. He was very young then (20 years ago). And he and his ex are fine. SD is fine. Everyone is fine.

But the damage has been irreparable and they go through months of not talking over silly little things.

But she is a troubled woman. She has a heart of gold and loves her children and grandchildren. She just had a hard life and it's made her a bit difficult at times.

She was technically right not to condone his behaviour but maybe she went about it the wrong way.

All things considered, I wish she had supported him a bit more because while everyone else has moved on she will never have her son back, not fully. And he'll never have the mum he had back.

Mu1berries Sun 02-Dec-12 17:34:17

my mum's friend thought it was gas that her son has several women on the go and all ringing him. My mum said nothing. But if it were MY friend (a few years down the line) who found this behaviour amusing, I think I would say something.

Dawndonna Sun 02-Dec-12 17:37:45

My 27 year old did something he shouldn't have done at 17. He did treat somebody badly. I wasn't happy, but I'm not going to hold a 17 year olds mistake against him forever.

Mu1berries Sun 02-Dec-12 17:51:20

I have a son and obviously I will (if I need to) point out to him that women weren't put on his earth for his entertainment, they're not a resource to be plundered so to speak... But I would never throw him out or punish him (however you punish a teenager or young man) I would just try and get through to him that a decent person doesn't trample on somebody else's feelings.

Also, although I would never want my dd to cry rape (who would want that) I do think that some cavalier player type young men lead young women to believe that they have feelings for them so on that basis the young women sleep with them. And then when their calls aren't return and they realise they've been lied to and used.......... well, they agreed to a mutual sexual intimacy but were in fact used as a receptacle... I can understand the anger. I have never, ever 'cried rape' by the way before somebody jumps on this post but I can understand the anger and humiliation that might motivate it and I think some young men who find themselves accused of rape probably lied and duped naive types in to having sex. So as the mother of a son I will in ten years time make it clear to him that he shouldn't lead women to believe he feels more for them than he does.

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 17:57:26

I think most young men who find themselves accused of rape are rapists.

Kalisi Sun 02-Dec-12 17:58:53

Wow! Mu1berries That's a very >ahem< brave post! hmm

Pinkforever Sun 02-Dec-12 18:01:20

Hesterton are you for real?-so everyone who is accused of rape is automatically guilty in your eyes? wow.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 18:01:58


Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 18:03:13

MOST not all, but I think false accusations are rare, really I do.

SirBoobAlot Sun 02-Dec-12 18:03:40

ExPs mother was amazing, and entirely on my side with the split. She was obviously supportive of him, but she is still ashamed of how he treated me. Her support was wonderful. I don't know if I could have ended it without her on side, actually (my parents still don't know he was violent towards me). We get on brilliantly, talk at least once a week on the phone, and regularly arrange days out without DS. I'm very lucky.

Mu1berries Sun 02-Dec-12 18:05:01

yes Hesterton, they are rare, most women who realise they've been wanked into just suck it up so to speak. they live and learn.

OkayHazel Sun 02-Dec-12 18:07:03

Trust me, the things my abusive ex did to me, he will NOT have told his mum.

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 18:07:17

I have two adult sons, and I have been disaprooving of things they have done in the past, such as finishing with short term girlfriends by text. I would totally support their wives if either of them were left by a son of mine for another woman, but I would also maintain contact with the son. I do hope I am never in this situation, I love both my DiLs very much.

Kalisi Sun 02-Dec-12 18:07:37

I guess I'll just have to raise my eyebrows and shake my head in disbelief in the way this thread has just turned! Do people really think like that?!!

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 18:07:37

oh spelling, crap

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 18:08:37

Statistically the level of false reporting for rape is no greater than any other crime. In fact under reporting is the problem. And it is attitudes like Mulberries that convince women that no one will believe them if they do "cry rape" no matter how justified their "crying" is. It is the reason that the "we believe you" campaign on mumsnet is necessary. The idea that naive young girls go about accusing innocent boys of rape willy nilly is just bollocks - there is no evidence for it.

Anyway that's not what the thread is about.

CometAndCupid Sun 02-Dec-12 18:09:01

I know my ex-p's dad is ashamed of how he left me when DD was a very small baby, and how he behaved towards me in our relationship. His mum however believes I set out to ruin his life and trap him with a pregnancy (not true at all).

I am interested to see how they will deal with the news that he is now dating someone barely legal.

Tailtwister Sun 02-Dec-12 18:10:42

Mine are young (4 and 2), but I wouldn't stand by and watch them treat women badly. They would certainly know about it if they used, cheated on or abused them in any way and yes, I would be ashamed and tell them so. Likewise if I had girls, who also are able to use, abuse and cheat on men too.

Mu1berries Sun 02-Dec-12 18:17:56

Cailindana, that's not what i was saying at all.... I totally agree that under reporting of rape is a huge problem, and even if it goes to court etc it's very unlikely that there'll be a conviction. Of course young girls don't go around accusing young men of rape willy nilly. The opposite is true. My 'attitude' is certainly not contributing to any problem. SO many young women have been date raped or sort of raped if they didn't just give in, or duped into believe they were sleeping with somebody who cared about them,,,,,,,,but they just suck it up and try and forget about it. There is a lot of just pulling your socks up and trying to forget about it that goes on.

But on a thread about the bad behaviour of sons towards women it would be an omission to not mention it at all. I would warn my son not to try and 'convince' women to have sex with him, either with drink or with temporary charm or with promises to call next week or with insistence, or with flattery ..............

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 18:49:31

"sort of" raped? What's that?

waltermittymistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 18:53:54

How do you get "sort of raped"?

Doha Sun 02-Dec-12 19:01:01

DS dumped his lovely GF of 2 years by text-totally out of the blue. He then refused to speak to her or explain why. The poor girl was 1 week away from sitting her final exams for her Masters degree.
I met with her at her request and she was distraught, l was ashamed of him and appalled at his behaviour. He knows how l feel and now admits he behaved like a twat.
After 6 months they are back together but l hope she dumps him just as spectactularly as he did her. Then and only then will he realise just what damage he caused and how NOT to treat people in the future.

Mu1berries Sun 02-Dec-12 19:31:49

Sort of raped has happened to a few people know. More than I like to think about. They weren't raped because they gave it up. And did they report it or make a fuss? no of course not. They just lived with it and got on with it.

I'm going to leave this thread now before I get too angry and upset.

This thread is about BAD behaviour and my comments aren't reflective of my opinino of all men. I thought that this thread was about the bad behaviour of young men, not the sort of selfishness of husbands not getting up for the baby or not doing any housework.

My comments were about SOME young men who behave badly towards women. This is what the thread is about.

I will talk to my son about this sort of thing and I will tell him that under no circumstances is he to twist somebody's arm into having sex, through flattery, false charm or temporary charm or LIES, or drink or a combination of the two, or worst of all, the interrogation style seduction 'but don't you like me? you said you liked me? don't you fancy me? are you too good for me? are you afraid of me? don't you trust me? do you think i'm lying?

Things are worse today than they were in my day because of internet porn. Young men have such a sense of entitlement to casual sex. a whole generation of boys has been encouraged to view women has worthless sex objects to be used and enjoyed (recent quote from the editor of zoo or was it nuts)


right, gonna hide this thread now because I will end up getting FAR too worked up over it.

Mu1berries Sun 02-Dec-12 19:33:10

or, do you think it will hurt? are you afraid? are you a prude? are you a virgin? are you frigid? you need to lighten up.

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 19:35:42

Mulberries, that's not "sort of" rape - that is rape. If you have sex that you don't want for whatever reason, it is rape. Being coerced verbally is no different than being coerced physically - you wouldn't say a woman who had been held down was "sort of" raped would you?

MaryAstor Sun 02-Dec-12 19:43:54

My BIL has a child he never ever sees - cut off contact when he was two (he is now eleven).

I have often wondered how on earth my PIL have been able not only to support him in this, but to blame it all on his ex-partner who "obviously got pregnant on purpose to trap him" and "treated him terribly" and "made it impossible for him to see the child".

DH and I are the only members of BIL's family to have regular contact with the child and he is lovely, so it is BIL's total and utter loss. His ex-partner is also absolutely lovely (she's a damn sight nicer and easier to get on with than BIL, frankly) and been so open to us seeing the child and being part of his life. It just makes me hmm when I hear all the propaganda from PIL about her.

I couldn't in good conscience support my son behaving in such a way, let alone bloody egg him on.

Llanbobl Sun 02-Dec-12 19:48:20

AFAIK he's treated his GF perfectly well in the 8 years they've been together (from age 14 ) theyveen

Llanbobl Sun 02-Dec-12 19:51:09

Posted too soon
Was saying they've been together since aged 14 - went to uni together - shared a flat and now have a flat in Berkshire where he works. GF is stay at home (nom parent).
He's been brought up by me to respect women. His dad can be a twat, but luckily my son has turned out a good'un smile

Pilgit Sun 02-Dec-12 19:59:53

One mother i know, whose son got a friend of mine pregnant, treated her appalingly, dumped her and then refused to financially support her - completely cut me off when i mentioned in passing that if he can afford to buy himself beer and get drunk regularly he can afford to give her some money! really didn't think it was that controversial as she was (and is still) living in her parents very small 3 bed terrace with her two teenage brothers as well.... son is now 2.5 and is still sharing the box room with his mother. On the other hand my MIL would (in a very italian mother type of way) 'slap' her boys somewhere into the next century if they ever treated their wives/DP's badly.

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 20:18:29

I get you about the pressurising thing; I first slept with a men because he hounded me as a young, young woman telling me I must be frigid, what was wrong with me etc. So I do know what you mean, and I too would be very ashamed if either of my sons had done that.

It wasn't rape or even 'sort-of' rape because I did agree to have sex and I didn't try and stop it, but it made my first sexual experience a bad one.

It sounds like that's what you're talking about Mu1berries?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 20:19:35

Very interesting to see the different approaches.
Interesting how many women seem to suggest they would be calm and a rock for their sons regardless (obv I know you will carry on loving them regardless) but was expecting a bit more of that Italian style I suppose, considering the anger on some of the posts on here against men.

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 20:19:57

a men?? a man!!

Snorbs Sun 02-Dec-12 20:20:17

[I am a man]

I think the things I've done regarding women that I'm most ashamed of is:

1) Making an appallingly clumsy pass at someone I worked with - or, more accurately and ever so worse, someone who reported to me - which led to a deeply awkward situation when she turned me down. She didn't deserve to be made to feel that uncomfortable. I still cringe at the memory.

2) When I was about 22 or 23 I was on a business trip to Florida and I got talked into going to one of the big strip clubs. I'd never been to such a place before. It was a god-awful experience. The thought very quickly struck me of "What the fuck do you think you look like through her eyes?" I was then left just counting down the minutes until I could get the hell out of there.

Hassled Sun 02-Dec-12 20:23:18

DIL made some mention of doing all DS1's washing. I said "please tell me that isn't true" and DS1 said "no it's fine, she makes me do my fair share of stuff". To which I snapped "well, she shouldn't have to make you - you should be doing it anyway". And it did make me feel like a crap mother - why the fuck is she doing his washing? Why does he think that's OK?

My ex MiL is a lovely, lovely lady who I adored and still do, and she was very upset when her son turned out to be just like his father and brothers before him a violent alcoholic sad
We still keep in touch with her, and she is welcome to come round any time to see her grandsons, and they go to see her. ExH otoh, we haven't laid eyes on for over ten years confused

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 02-Dec-12 20:42:55

Snorbs, thanks for that post,

It might be interesting to ask about brothers etc too as we might be more likely to know "the full story". Eg. I was cross with my DB for not breaking up with his DP when he didn't want kids and she did (and I told him so).

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 20:44:14

"Sort of raped has happened to a few people know. More than I like to think about. They weren't raped because they gave it up."

still rape. the fact that they have had to 'give in' tells you this.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 20:46:12

it's just the same as saying 'she didn't fight so it wasn't really rape' hmm

RiaUnderTheMistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 20:46:27

Hassled was it a 'I'll do all the laundry if you do all the cooking' sort of thing? Of course your ds should be pulling his wait, it just occurred to me it may not be quite as bad as it sounded.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 20:50:43

i'll add that i've done things in the past to EXP that i'm ashamed of and my mother and father dont know about. i'm pretty sure they'd be disapointed in me but they woulodn't hold it against me forever. i'm female BTW.

TeWisBeenNargledByTheMistletoe Sun 02-Dec-12 20:56:26

DS is a baby, so really I have no idea. BUT, there are loads of things I could forgive, even if I found them disappointing. Other things, like rape, abandoning their dc, dv... (as with my DD) I don't know how I would forgive those. I don't think I could.

I think when you are presented with "my child is a rapist" it can be easier to disbelieve than to believe and look your child in the face ever again. So you don't believe.

MrsDeVere Sun 02-Dec-12 20:58:32

When your adult son, who you have bought up to be a certain way, behaves in a way that goes against everything you believe in,

it rips your heart in two.

And what makes it worse is that as The Mother, whatever you do will be wrong.

If you condemn and turn away you will be a Terrible Mother
If you do not condemn and turn away it will be Well What Do You Expect With a Mother Like That.

Because it is always the woman's fault.

Do a google of 100 serious crime stories. The mother, the girlfriend, the wife will be mentioned and blamed in some way.

His wife threatened divorce/was having an affair so he killed his children.
His mother was depressed when he was a child
His girlfriend taunted him that she was going out with a policeman so he shot one in the face
His mother left his father when he was two
His wife nagged him
His mother was distant
His mother was smothering

Etc etc etc etc.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 02-Dec-12 21:16:40

My last husbands mother was wonderful, when the police were trying to find him she told them where he was,as soon as he had been arrested she phoned me to say I was safe to go home.

I have had one contact with her since where she told me she was ashamed of his behaviour that she didnt blame me in any way and that every time he tried to minimise what he had done to me in her presence she would correct him no matter who else was there. She also said that she hoped I would understand that it would be inappropriate to maintain a relationship with me but that she would offer to give a statement to the police detailing what she had seen personally.

And she did.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 21:28:03

MrsD very good point. i have found myself very angry with my mother for alot of things that happened in my childhood. but you know what, i had a father who lived in that house too and had just as much responsibility to protect me. i think the fact that my mother was the default caregiver and dealt with all the issues, she was the one i assosiate with everything. whereas dad was a bystander. he could have been just as involved as her but chose not to.

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 21:35:03

Hesterton if you are coerced into agreeing to have sex then it is rape. You don't feel it was rape, which is fair enough but in real terms it was. Many many many rape victims "give in" and let it happen for various different reasons, that does not mean it wasn't rape. You don't have to be screaming no or fighting him off or anything like that. Sex you don't want, no matter how it comes about, is rape.

thegreylady Sun 02-Dec-12 21:41:31

My son is 42 married 15 yrs once came near cheating on his wife but didn't. Yes he told me about it. I am proud of him :-)

Annunziata Sun 02-Dec-12 21:54:54

I could barely look at him for a week when he cheated on his girlfriend. My heart was broken.

Polyethyl Sun 02-Dec-12 22:02:25

It's a source of continual friction in our family. My brother is promiscuous. We don't know the details of what happens between him and the various girls, but not all can have walked away happily. He is, thank goodness, scrupulously careful about contraception.

My mother and I have tried to talk to him about it, again and again, but to no avail. We've pointed out that there is nothing more pathetic than an ageing Lothario. And that he'll be the lonely one when his looks start to go - but until he wants to change.....

What I can't understand is why the girls want him. He's an impoverished artist. He's stoney broke. Why oh WHY are intelligent, beautiful, successful women falling for his lines again and again? It's depressing to see how few compliments it takes to make normally sensible women chuck their common sense out of the window and get all dopey about an impoverished, promiscuous bloke with obvious commitment issues.

baublesandbaileys Sun 02-Dec-12 22:06:38

well YABU becuase its mostly women on here so obv there's going to be a disproportionate amt of complaining about men treating women badly

I was quite horrible to a lot of men in my 20s, mainly because I hated dating. Why would my mum know the ins and outs of that though?

Hassled Sun 02-Dec-12 22:09:25

Ria - DS1 probably does vaguely pull his weight - it was just the fact he clearly had to be told to do it that riled me. Shades of when he was a sullen teenager and had to be told to put his plate in the dishwasher every bloody day. It made me feel I'd let the sisterhood down grin. The younger DSs will be whipped into shape.

hopkinette Sun 02-Dec-12 22:12:26

Mu1berries or whatever the fuck her name is is the worst kind of insidious rape apologist of all. "Sort of raped" - FUCK OFF.

Hesterton Sun 02-Dec-12 22:16:23

Cailin I wasn't raped, you weren't there; I do know what happened that night and it was not rape.

thebody Sun 02-Dec-12 22:23:25

My older dss are now 23 and 21.. Older one is the one who has long standing relationships and he falls in love totally so is consequently devastated when the girls end the relationship.

My younger one is a one night stand charming type who somehow manages to keep friends with lots of the girls he 'dates' I guess that's because h doesn't lie to get sex and equally the girls are not interested in a relationship and that's fine.

They have 2 younger dds though now both young teens and are always warning them off boys.. Sad and forlorn hope...ha ha.

I hope my boys are kind to girls, small children and animals,,, oh and don't lie.

I think they are and don't and if that's so then I have done a good job.

BoundandRebound Sun 02-Dec-12 22:23:35

What a horribly sexist post

I hope mothers of daughters are under the same spotlight

BoundandRebound Sun 02-Dec-12 22:24:15

Not to mention fathers

thebody Sun 02-Dec-12 22:25:11

I mean they have 2 younger sisters!! My dds not theirs or the post is worrying.

thebody Sun 02-Dec-12 22:26:38

Bound, agree in that one. Hope my dds behave honourably as well.

joanofarchitrave Sun 02-Dec-12 22:30:04

I will probably be quite horrible to ds and much more likely to believe his partners than him sad - not necessarily a good thing. Quite likely to lead to permanent damage in our relationship.

I don't think I would ever stop contact, whatever he'd done, but I would have said that was the same for all my relatives, until i was tested, and found it very very difficult to stay in contact with my dad (we are now, sort of). I just don't know. I don't think it says very much for me as a mum. 'Hate the sin, love the sinner' is how it should be, i think.

wannaBe Sun 02-Dec-12 22:40:52

ibu to ask mothers of grown up daughters what your dd's have done to men that you are embarrassed about?

Reading mn there are as many vile women out there as men, maybe not in the same way as men, but horrible none the less. To single out men in this way is just nasty and horrible and as a mother of a DS I am dreading him growing up and encountering some of the men-hating attitudes that exist on here.

CailinDana Sun 02-Dec-12 23:45:11

Fair enough Hesterton, as I said in my other post, I can see that you don't feel it was rape. I just wanted to point out that a person "giving in" doesn't mean it isn't rape. But I agree that it's not up to me to tell anyone they were raped - I just feel the need to take any opportunity to try to smash the myth that rape involves a man physically forcing a woman into sex. Coercion through social pressure is one of the many ways a man can get a woman to agree to sex she doesn't actually want and while you don't feel it was rape, many do.

ATouchOfStuffing Mon 03-Dec-12 11:04:21

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I was asking about men as this is a predominantly female populated site, with a lot of posts about men not being very nice. Of course happy for people to talk about adult daughters as well.

baublesandbaileys Mon 03-Dec-12 11:08:10

"I will probably be quite horrible to ds and much more likely to believe his partners than him - not necessarily a good thing"

sad men can get into all kinds of abusive/manipulative relationships too!
If he wasn't being very nice to a partner, why would the partner complain to YOU? rather than their own family/friends? wouldn't that make you a little suspicious? I don't ring MIL if I have a problem with DH, I talk to a friend or my mum or mumsnet it

notnagging Mon 03-Dec-12 12:08:14

Really interesting thread op. I have 5ds & I hope I'm not blinkered. My own DM is blinkered about my db but I think she's waking up now.

Pandemoniaa Mon 03-Dec-12 12:27:14

I have sons of 31 and 29. I would not be at all sympathetic if I discovered that they had behaved badly or hurtfully towards a woman. I would avoid taking sides (as my former MIL did) and would hope to maintain a good relationship with their former partners.

Having said all this, I am equally aware that I can't expect to know every single detail of their lives - as indeed my mother wasn't aware of mine. In this respect, I am fairly sure that ds1 did not break off a relationship he had in the USA in as thoughtful a way as I'd have liked and I did tell him this despite not knowing the girl.

Slumberparty Mon 03-Dec-12 12:34:37

One of my ex's was a bit of a loser who had been in trouble a lot in the past. His mum LOVED me! Said I was so good for her son and really went out of her way to make me feel welcome...I think because she knew I would probably dump him eventually. When I finally did she phoned to commiserate, and told me that it was a shame, but she didn't blame me! She was under no illusions about what her son was like. (He wasn't a bad person, just self-destructive and a bit of an idiot at times).
She was the best thing about my ex.

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