to not expect me ex to deny our relationship!?

(92 Posts)
dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 14:29:49

We weren't together for ages (4 months) but he introduced me as his girlfriend to his friends, heard him mention my on the phone to his parents, told each other that we loved one another.

He got chatting to someone who didn't know was my friend, she asked if he was single and he said yes since May.

He's my ex for a reason. But I wouldn't deny our relationship.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 14:34:56

why on earth do you still care? confused

4 months is a short space of time.. he is single now anyway isnt he?

QOD Sat 01-Dec-12 14:35:32

So when did you split up then?

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 14:38:25

I have more respect for our relationship than to just deny it.

We split up about a week ago.

Theicingontop Sat 01-Dec-12 14:38:50

I'd be wondering why my friend was trying to chat up my ex confused

You shouldn't care, he clearly doesn't think you were serious, it was only four months. Maybe he didn't want to get into the details of a brief relationship with someone he thought he might have a chance with. Just forget about it.

missymoomoomee Sat 01-Dec-12 14:39:05

Maybe he just didn't want to get into his love life with a stranger, maybe he fancied your friend and didn't want her to know he had been seeing someone, maybe he knew she was your friend and wanted to annoy you.

How did your friend know who he was if he didn't know who she was? I don't think she was being very helpful by telling you tbh, sounds like you may not be over him if you are still bothered by what he says.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 14:40:24

How is asking someone if they are single defined as chatting them up? Unless it is said with a leer and a wink or a nudge, it is just a general question to me.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 14:40:25

He didn't deny it, he failed to mention a very brief relationship.

Some people don't like to mention everyone they have been out with.

Since it was brief he may not feel the need to point it out, he also may have felt it wasn't serious or exclusive.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 14:41:41

Why did she ask him that if she knew he had been with you until a week ago?

Surely she already knew the answer.

There is more to this isn't there OP.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 14:43:41

He spoke about getting married, so it was serious.

I'm still mourning the loss our relationship yes.

We went to New York for a week in late September, but he told her that he went alone confused

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 14:46:37

speaking of marriage in a 16 week relationship is no indication that he was serious.. plenty of men just say what they think the woman wants to hear..

Theicingontop Sat 01-Dec-12 14:48:54

Why was she asking all these questions though? Was she spying for you?

Montybojangles Sat 01-Dec-12 14:50:21

Sorry it didn't work out, but four months is not very long, and if he's trying to pull he's hardly likely to tell someone he just split up last week is he?
Better to find out hes not that bothered, than to hang around hoping he might be back I would say.

missymoomoomee Sat 01-Dec-12 14:50:32

Speaking about marriage is no indication of the seriousness of the relationship tbh. I'm sorry you are hurting but dwelling on a 100 day romance and asking friends to report back things he says is just going to prolong the hurt.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 14:50:57

Not spying no. She had a chance meeting with him whilst waiting for her friend at a bar.

She recognised him and started talking.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 14:52:32

did this conversation take place while you were with him or after you split up?

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 14:52:34

It was 16 weeks, whatever he said it wasn't serious. sorry.

Maybe he knew exactly why she was asking, maybe he did know she knows you.

Maybe he wasn't ready to disclose that he had recently broken up with someone.

Why was she snooping?

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 14:54:13

But why did she ask him questions she already knew the answers to?

Why didn't the conversation start with 'you are dawsons ex aren't you, how are you?'

When did she fail to mention she knew him, get this information then rely it back to you?

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 14:55:02

took place after we split.

he definitely does not know we a re friends, never mentioned her, never saw her when were together and she doesn't have fb either.

missymoomoomee Sat 01-Dec-12 14:57:05

So how does she know who he is then confused

StarbugEnterprise Sat 01-Dec-12 14:57:33

So why was your friend asking is he was single if she knew he was with you? confused

It seems like you were quite serious quite quickly, if so YANBU (If you both thought it was serious!)

StarbugEnterprise Sat 01-Dec-12 14:58:44

Ignore the first bit just seen your most recent comment.

LineRunner Sat 01-Dec-12 14:59:08

How did she recognise him, if he'd never seen her before?

Tbh, maybe he didn't like being probed by a stranger. I often 'lie' if someone I don't know asks me impertinent questions.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 14:59:41

we weren't together when she asked him.

i've sent her photos of me and him together, and i rang her up and told her that we had broken up and that I was never given a proper reason as to why we broke up.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 15:02:53

So she was fishing for info then?

How can you be pissed off that he didn't mention you, but think its ok for her to start a conversation, and try and get information out of him, with him without telling him who she was?

Double standards. She was being deceptive and so was he. I would assume he thought there was something strange about the questions and suspected he was being probed for info.

To be honest the whole situation is a bit childish.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 15:03:14

I think you are hurt by him ending the relationship, your mate probably wasnt being too tactful by telling you the details of the conversation, although to be fair, if a complete stranger approached me and started questioning me, I might tell them whatever I wanted to and not care if it was true or not.

missymoomoomee Sat 01-Dec-12 15:05:00

Did you ask her why she didn't say 'Hi you're dawsons ex aren't you' rather than trying to get some gossip about you from him. It sounds a bit mean of your friend since she knew who he was, knew you had broken up, knew about the trip etc. She was just gathering information that was going to hurt you and then reported back.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 15:05:43

I think maybe he fancied her so thats why he lied about our relationship.

I agree it is childish, I suppose I'm just feeling really hurt at the moment.

LineRunner Sat 01-Dec-12 15:09:39

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt. It's really shitty when you think a relationship's going somewhere, and the man says 'enough' without a proper explanation.

I think the conversation with the friend sounds a bit pointless, though, really. Either you put your friend up to it (not a good idea, honest), or you didn't put her up it in which case why would she do that and then tell you?

Focus on moving on. Don't dwell on things.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 15:11:15

I just really want him back.

But now I have my answer. He denied our relationship, therefore we aren't getting back together.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 15:11:37

"I think maybe he fancied her so thats why he lied about our relationship"

erm, your "mate" approached him and initiated the convo, and to be fair, he is a single bloke, so he really can say what he wants. I am sorry but in his head, it was not that serious a relationship, and he is over it. I think you need to accept that too.

I can't understand why he's the bad guy. A stranger approached him and asked a random question, he gave a random answer.

I tell strangers who come up to me in bars I'm married, I'm not, just to get them to go away.

4 months isn't a relationship I would necessary remember to tell a stranger.

I would be focusing on your friends motives if any.

But seriously life goes on why does it matter? Obviously it wasn't a potential marriage type relationship else you would still be together. Regardless of what he told a stranger.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 15:12:12

Why aren't you pissed at your friend.

I would be furious if someone went up to an ex, pumped them for info and then told me all about how he had written me out of his life.

She sounds like a bitch tbh and I think she quite likes stirring.

What good did it do to tell you this, when you are still hurting?

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 15:15:14

and to be fair sqeaukytoy you have no idea about our relationship.

You cannot comment on whether it was serious. You are not one of us.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 15:19:35

Well I am basing it on the information that you have given, the fact that he has ended and does not acknowledge the relationship, and also a fair amount of life experience that makes you realise that 16 weeks is not very long, and certainly not really long enough to be a serious relationship to him, because if it was, he wouldnt have ended it without having the decency to give you a reason.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 15:21:37

To be fair OP, you are asking opinions about the relationship all over MN.

The information you have given is you were together 16 weeks, he mentioned marriage but ended the relationship with no explanation.

I get it was serious for you, but I really don't think it was for him.

When you are older (don't mean to sound patronising) you get to a point where you can generally spot certain behaviors a mile off.

FiercePanda Sat 01-Dec-12 15:25:53

He hasn't done anything wrong. He just wasn't as into you as much as you clearly were into him. It's over, pick yourself up and dust yourself down and move on.

I'd be having serious issues with my "friend" though. Fishing for info from your most recent ex and then regaling you with the gory, upsetting details is not the behaviour of someone who cares about you.

manticlimactic Sat 01-Dec-12 15:43:50

Does something happen at 4 months? There's an awful lot of threads about relationships where things go tits up around that point. Unless it's the same poster. hmm

manticlimactic Sat 01-Dec-12 15:45:23

Oh and if someone asked me how long I had been single I wouldn't include any that had been less than 6 months.

FiercePanda Sat 01-Dec-12 15:45:29

Oh wait, the poster who's DP wouldn't let her meet his kids, and the same poster who's DP wanted to take her to NYC but booked super-expensive flights and wanted her to pay half? Something about her teenage son and a granny made of steel? Boxy, is that you?

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 15:48:27

Please tell me you are not the poster whose boyfriend would not let her tag him in photos on fb.

Please tell is not true?

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 15:51:05

manticlimactic, I maybe wouldn't either, but if I had only been broken up a week from that relationship then I wouldn't pretend it never happened.

and both you and FiercePanda aren't you both lovely people?! I actually feel like I'm dying inside and fine you can say I'm being unreasonable because I asked for opinions but to make out I'm a troll thats so low.

Keep those opinions to yourself or you could and have ended up hurting someone who is already hurting.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 15:51:23

Nooooooo.. it cant be confused ... could it????

missymoomoomee Sat 01-Dec-12 15:59:43

No-one has accused you of being a troll. Fierce merely asked a question.

You asked for opinion dawson you have got them. People have read what you have written and answered according to their own life experiences. You can't ask for peoples opinion and only want them to say what a nasty bastard your ex is.

He has done nothing wrong at all, some girl chatted him up, he fancied her, he told a fib. Its really got nothing to do with you what he said and I would be telling your 'friend' as much if I were you.

Yes it feels awful just now but 4 months really is no time at all. This time next year you will barely remember his name.

You shouldn't be annoyed at him because he has moved on faster than you.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 16:00:10

Well aren't you all lovely.

My ex doesn't have children. I never tried to tag him in any photos on fb either. We went to NY for a week, because it was the cheapest time of year to go. We both paid.

But thank you squeakytoy FiercePanda manticlimactic and bradywasmyfavouriteking for calling me a troll. Didn't think I could feel much worse than I already did.

FiercePanda Sat 01-Dec-12 16:00:37

It was 16 weeks. You're not dying, you're in the midst of a long drawn out drama-fest. Like I said before, pick yourself up and move on.

Stop directing anger at him - he was perfectly within his rights to end the relationship, and as annoying as it is, he didn't have to give a reason for it - and start questioning why your friend was so interested in getting all the information from him if you didn't put her up to it yourself.

FiercePanda Sat 01-Dec-12 16:02:30

Oh for gods sake, grow up and stop basking in the drama of it all. It was a fling, not a twenty-five year marriage. It's over. Move on, get some self-respect, be happy.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 16:03:20

I didn't call you a troll, thank you.
I asked of you were the same person I referred to. How is that even implying you are a troll?

I think maybe you need to look towards yourself and your reactions to figure out some of your issues.

You are being rude for no reason whatsoever.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 16:03:29

<re reads thread>

erm, where did I call you a troll????

are you always prone to being a drama queen?

nkf Sat 01-Dec-12 16:10:09

Four months is not long but then you've already been told that. You were more into him than he was into you. That's hard, I know. But you will meet someone else. Try to put him out of your mind and don't let friends give you information.

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 16:10:54

I can't see that anybody has called you troll, though there has maybe been some confused identification. Presumably however you are the same Dawsonjunior who talks about getting her ex back in a couple of months' time (a couple of days ago in Chat)

In that same thread you say you are 23. I don't want to belittle what you are feeling because I am sure from where you are standing it feels very real, but I promise you when you have been round the block a few more times you will blush and then-I hope- roll around laughing at your younger self!

manticlimactic Sat 01-Dec-12 16:13:45

I don't think you're a troll but you're all over MN like a rash. If a year long relationship had that many problems I would be spotting red flags galore, let alone 4 months. Dying inside after16 weeks? Dramallamaing. I'd say you had a lucky escape.

If you don't want to to bold YABU try Relationships.

manticlimactic Sat 01-Dec-12 16:15:59

Ah different poster. Then I'll ask again (generally, not to OP) wth is it with the 4 month mark. Is that the new make or break time limit on new relationships these days.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 01-Dec-12 16:17:05

You are coming across as a desperate bunny boiler, which may be why he dumped you. He went out with you, he decided he didn't want to be with you any more and moved on. What he does with the rest of his life is none of your business, so why not work on your self esteem a bit, and get a hobby. Because if you carry on being this desperate for a committed relationship, you are going to drive away nice men and be an absolute magnet for abusive ones.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 16:18:07

How am I all over MN like a rash?

I think I have posted about my relationship twice? Once on chat and this thread right here.

nkf Sat 01-Dec-12 16:18:11

I think four months is long enough to know if you want to go further.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 01-Dec-12 16:19:40

Are you the poster that had a thread running about the boyfriend who booked a trip to NY and then asked her to pay a lot of money ack to him as her half?

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 16:20:00

four months is long enough, but its clear that to the man in this relationship, he knew he didnt want it to go further.. it stings a bit, but you are not dying inside OP.. you will survive..

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 16:21:34

Any apologies for accusing us of troll hunting?

nkf Sat 01-Dec-12 16:22:41

You will get over it. You really will. Are you young? I don't want to sound like your grandmother but if you are taking it this hard, it sounds to me as if you are young.

All that talking about marriage etc, it's a sign often of emotional instability in a man. Quick feelings that die equally quickly.

nkf Sat 01-Dec-12 16:23:03

I mean, talk of marriage after four months.

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 16:24:44

Yes nkf OP is 23....from my perspective that is REALLY young grin

Dawson you have EVERYTHING to play for.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 16:25:17

BluelightsAndSirens no I'm fucking not ok?!

We went to NY and that we both paid. I have no idea who the other poster is, I've never even seen the other thread!!

Why don't you read what I've actually said.

dawsonjunior Sat 01-Dec-12 16:26:00

I'm 23 yes. That isn't young. The man I was seeing was 29.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 16:26:43

someone had a lucky escape methinks..

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 16:27:03

Just to clarify, when I say you have everything to play for, I mean with someone who will love you as much as you love him/her. This particular one is over. Seems like he has moved on and you should do the same.

More easily said than done when you're so very young, but worth the effort!

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 16:28:22

Oh bless your heart ....nothing screams I am young quite so loudly as claiming that 23 isn't young!

FiercePanda Sat 01-Dec-12 16:28:38

Alright you're 23, you're not a teenager, but you're really immature. Get a grip, move on, it's over.

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 16:29:49

And 29 is hardly drinking up time in the last chance saloon either!

FiercePanda Sat 01-Dec-12 16:31:28

I'm 29. <gimmers>

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 01-Dec-12 16:31:46

why are you so angry with people asking questions?

Why have you not answered about why you are not mad at your friend? and why you think she did what she did? Do you think its ok for her to trick him?

Did you put her up to it? If so why?

Did you just want us to tell you he is a bastard? Sometimes that's what we need.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 01-Dec-12 16:33:24

Ohh stroppy to boot, I've read the thread and asked a question thanks very fucking much.

And at 23 I had stopped playing silly games, I'd be more pissed that a friend thought it acceptable to fish from my ex.

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 16:34:37

Sounds more like a honeytrap than a fishing expedition...

Spero Sat 01-Dec-12 16:34:47

I am really sorry you are hurting, and I know it isn't fun at any age.

I don't want to play misery top trumps but I do want to encourage you to get some kind of perspective.

How do you think you would feel if you were 43, had a couple of kids and your husband of 10 years had just dumped you for someone else? I think you would then be justified in displaying enormous grief.

You have a good twenty years ahead of you to find someone lovely and have a family, if that is what you want. That's an enormous amount of time, but still too short to waste any of it in this way.

missymoomoomee Sat 01-Dec-12 16:35:09

23 is young. I speak as someone who got married at 21 and thought at the time I was mature enough. Looking back now I really wasn't and I am very fortunate that it worked out for me, it could so easily have gone the other way. It took a lot of work from both of us. Sadly your ex doesn't want this relationship anymore so your choices are to torture yourself about it or try and move on.

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 16:37:55

You have a good twenty years ahead of you to find someone lovely and have a family, if that is what you want. That's an enormous amount of time, but still too short to waste any of it in this way.

THIS!!!! ^^

HairyGrotter Sat 01-Dec-12 16:50:32

My last relationship lasted 4 months, I got dumped for being too fucking awesome...I got over it in 2 days. However, I'm 32...well ollllddd. You sound quite young, you'll learn soon enough

Theicingontop Sat 01-Dec-12 16:53:10

He's clearly moved on if he's chatting away about how single he's been for the past four months to a girl he's never supposedly met.

I asked if you'd put her up to it, because in my mind, that's the only 'acceptable' (although completely counterproductive to your moving on process imho) reason for your friend to be chatting anonymously with your recent ex. You need to be asking why she did this. Or if it is true at all.

LineRunner Sat 01-Dec-12 16:58:26

I asked the OP if she's put the friend up to it way upthread. It just seems like a totally unproductive thing to do.

And if the friend did it unilaterally, and told the OP, which seems quite likely, then that's not a friend that's a classmate.

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Sat 01-Dec-12 17:19:33

I'd say she put him up to it. Good choice of a friend about whom he knew nothing at all - even down to her very existence! But you know - if you didn't want to hear the outcome of your trickery then maybe you shouldn't have started it in the first place?

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Sat 01-Dec-12 17:20:06

Put HER up to it ffs confused

puds11 Sat 01-Dec-12 17:28:47

23 is young in terms of relationships. What is your longest relationship prior to this?

I personally think its madness to be telling someone that you love them and want to marry them within 4 months.

PuppyMonkey Sat 01-Dec-12 17:39:34

I think it's abut weird of him to say he went to New York on his own. If that helps?

PuppyMonkey Sat 01-Dec-12 17:39:56

A bit.

LineRunner Sat 01-Dec-12 17:42:37

How did your friend come to ask him about going to New York?

'Have you been to New York lately?'

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 17:42:41

A bit weird yes, but it sounds like he rather fancied the friend so diodn't want to muddy the waters with recent relationship baggage. Bit of a twat, yes, but understandable, and, sorry, he is a free agent.

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 17:43:13

grin @ Linerunner

squeakytoy Sat 01-Dec-12 17:48:48

I woudnt even say he sounds twatty.. none of us (including the OP) really know how the conversation went.. if I met a stranger and they said to me "did you go away this year", I would probably say "oh I went to NY"... and if I was single and being potentially chatted up by a bloke I had never met, I certainly wouldnt say "oh I went to NY with my gf" or even say "ex gf" as that just opens up a conversation about "ooh, why is she your ex?".. In fact he may not even have been remotely interested in the woman, and was simply giving basic answers out of forced politeness.

marchwillsoonbehere Sat 01-Dec-12 17:57:14

Sage words Squeaky. I retract the 'bit of a twat' judgement.

Spero Sat 01-Dec-12 18:19:23

I agree it's not remotely twatty to fail to mention you went somewhere with an ex. If someone asked me if I went to NY I would say, yes, last year, love to go again, not yes with my boyfriend of four months Nigel, but we split up last week.

I think the second type of reply would be really odd. He wasn't being asked about his relationship status but where he had been.

The only way you have any right to be put out is if he was asked a direct question about you and he denied ever meeting you

FestiveDigestive Sat 01-Dec-12 18:27:29

Dawson - I don't think 4 months is too soon to have really fallen for someone or that 23 is "too young" to be serious about someone and discuss marriage. I have friends who were married in less than 6 months at that age and who are still together now.

In fact, some short relationships can be far more intense than longer (1 year plus) relationships where the couple only see each other a few times a week and don't have an strong connection. Only you know how serious the relationship was and what you talked about and you have every right to feel heartbroken - because you imagined a future with this person, you thought you were in love with each other and now it has ended.

I can see that it will have added to your hurt to hear that he didn't mention you when your 'friend' spoke to him. I hope you feel better soon & that you meet a man who is right for you thanks

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 01-Dec-12 18:39:27

At 23 the last thing you should be thinking about is how to force a man to marry you. Get a life! While some people marry young and grow old together happily blah blah blah, the majority of young marriages go wrong, mostly because the participants grow into themselves and have less in common than hormones after a while.
Marrying young is particularly inadvisable for women, because what mostly happens is the woman stops growing up and her life becomes about being the man's appendage. And then either he trades her in or she wakes up and remembers she's a person and he doesn't like it.

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