AIBU to want to have 'private areas' in my own home?

(63 Posts)
TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:36:22

I genuinely do not knkw if IABU and Im shocked how strongly I felt about this.

We recently lost a bottle of full Calpol, not being something we want misplaced we were trawling the house for it. DH went up stairs and I can hear him going through my underwear drawer (our baby likes to open drawers and put items in). A cross feeling shot through me, I dont want him going through my underwear drawer! Theres nothing to hide, knickers, an old photo of him, a scan pick, some condoms in an unopened box. None of which I mind him knowing about. Just that I fucking hated him rustling through my privare drawer. I feel the same with my handbag. If hate for anyone to rifle through that either.

Am I being ridiculous? I fear I am.

I have been with him for many years, nearly more than half my life but this still pissed me off.

I didnt say anything but I wanted to scream "STOP GOING THROUGH MY DRAWER!"

AIBU? After all these years and all these kids do I have to accept that private areas are now free for all?

YANBU - it is a matter of common courtesy. I wouldn't so much mind DH rummaging round my underwear drawer (not that he would) but he wouldnt go through my handbag, I would for some reason compare that to opening my post....a big no no.

It's all about personal space and mutual respect I think.

Iactuallydothinkso Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:33

You are and you aren't I think! It's not reasonable to be cross when he's trying to find something like medicines that have gone missing but it is also not unreasonable to want privacy either.

What would you have preferred had happened? Should he have said "can you go through your drawers?" or "can I?" I don't know. Whatever would work for you both I guess but try to find out what would work for you both.

We have a lot of privacy in this house. We even have a room where only me and dh go, (it's just the study downstairs! Not like a sex dungeon or anything!) and to be honest, he spends more time in there than me but I will take a book in there sometimes. It's not weird to want privacy.

valiumredhead Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:49

We all have private areas in this house, dh wouldn't dream of going through my drawers but he would ask me to look in them if something was lost. Both dh and ds would never rummage through my bag either without permission.

TheProvincialLady Thu 29-Nov-12 10:44:36

Underwear drawer riffling wouldn't bother me (as long as it was only DH!) but the question is - did your husband know that you consider this drawer private? If so, he was out of order. If not, well he's not psychic so maybe you should tell him.

MolotovCocktail Thu 29-Nov-12 10:44:46

You aren't being unreasonable: maybe a bit OTT.

It's understandable to want to keep somethings neatly packed away; pretty knickers folded nicely in your drawer; objects that belong only to you in their orderly space without big (or tiny) hands grabbing at them and mucking them up ...

But that's family life, isn't it? Sometimes we don't have it our way and the ones we live with don't always know why things they do irritate us beyond belief.

Is it worth turning it into a big issue?

gloomywinters2 Thu 29-Nov-12 10:45:36

well everybody like,s there private space ive got a thing about not letting anybody touch my brand new shiny magazine as i don,t like anybody ruining the pages<quiteannoying> i woulden,t like my partner going in my knicker draw has i have very LARGE pants.shock

MolotovCocktail Thu 29-Nov-12 10:46:27

Sorry, in view of the that fact that your DH was trying to find medicine.

noisytoys Thu 29-Nov-12 10:48:02

I have my own bag, purse, post, laptop and phone. I'm not secretive, I just like my own space. Before DD came along I had my own room (not to sleep in, just to have some space)


My Dh knows how much I hate him looking in my bag. he doesnt do it anymore


LaQueen Thu 29-Nov-12 10:53:05

I hate that other people (even DH and the DDs to some extent) can see what I have on that week, in the pages of my big, Organised Mum diary that I leave open on the kitchen island.

There's nothing remotely exciting in there e.g. DD1 Netball Tournament 4-5.30pm...Friday - ring garage re: car...Saturday - Window cleaner/school shoes/buy raffle pressie...

But I hate that anyone can glance at it and remark 'Oh, is DD1 playing in a netball tournament tomorrow?' Irrational, I know...

And, don't even get me started on other people reading your birthday/Christmas cards...(yes, I'm looking at you Mum...)

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:53:24

I dont think he knew it was out of bounds, no. But I dont think Id ever thought about it before either. I assumed he knew it wasnt a place he should rifle through.

I want to say something, along the lines of 'Could you ask me to check there next time.' But I wasnt sure if I was being a prat.

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:55:39

"Is it worth turning it into a big issue"

Ive not turned it into any issue at all, and I never intended to.

I may have cyber 'grrrd' on MN but what else is MN for? I think you were being OTT in your response.

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:57:30

LaQueen yes friends and family who look at my calander at all we have going on. I hate that too.
But mine is hanging on the cork board for all and sundary to see so I cant say anything.

ipswichwitch Thu 29-Nov-12 10:57:33

I don't think you are being u, although I personally don't have any problem with it. DH refuses to go in my bag or anything even when I specifically ask him to. Even when I was ill in hospital he insisted on bringing my bag into the toilet for me to get a pad out instead of slipping it under the door for me! I just can't fathom how he'd rather see me sat on the pot than have a quick rummage in the outside pocket of my bag

DeafLeopard Thu 29-Nov-12 10:58:10

Wouldn't bother me that it was DH doing it - particularly in those circumstances, after all he often puts washing away in my knicker drawer.

But a bit like LaQueen, we have a big week planner board in the kitchen, primarily because DS has ASD so needs organising and needs to know what is happening or gets stressed. One friend without fail comes in and reads and comments on what we are doing. I have taken to making outrageous stuff up to write on just before she comes

LaQueen Thu 29-Nov-12 10:59:56

My Oraginsed Mum diary is my life and I can't fucntion without it. And, to keep putting it away and taking it out would be a hassle...

I just don't want people to read it angry

Ephiny Thu 29-Nov-12 11:00:37

Your reaction seems a little bit strong, especially given that he was looking for medicine, not just having a nose about. But generally YANBU. I think in a marriage you can and should still respect each other's privacy and space.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered about the underwear drawer. But would not expect DH to go through my bag, or my filed paperwork, or my phone/computer, or read my post/email, unless I'd specifically asked him to.

nokidshere Thu 29-Nov-12 11:02:47

I hate dh rummaging through my desk - it drives me nuts. He always says - but it's such a mess - but its MY mess and I want and like it! It doesn't encroach on anyone elses space. I also hate anyone going in my bag but they wouldn;t dare so its not an issue lol

MolotovCocktail Thu 29-Nov-12 11:08:51

I know that you hadn't turned it into an issue in RL yet. I was posing the question to you as to whether it would be worth doing so.

And yeah, I think you would be a prat to ask him to get your permission next time.

FFS, I was only trying to help!

My ex used to go through my handbags and open my post, I hated it so much.

I had no privacy at all, and now when dd does it I find it really upsetting.

financialwizard Thu 29-Nov-12 11:16:36

I have no dramas with anyone in my house seeing anything that I own but I absolutely hate anyone going through my hand bag or my purse or my draws. If I want something from there I will get it.

Post wise my husband and I both open each others post unless it is his private account or my private account. This is because everything else is practically joint.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 29-Nov-12 11:16:38

Like you OP I wouldn't like it. I would have been a bit shocked that he'd think it was ok to stick his big hands in it and rummage around. I would have told him there and then in a jokey way to get the hell out of my underwear drawer.

If I found him riffling through my handbag I'd be tempted to cut them off.

honeytea Thu 29-Nov-12 11:21:34

I think YABU. Does he not sometimes do the washing and put your knickers/bras away in the underwear draw?

forevergreek Thu 29-Nov-12 11:36:35

Wouldn't bother me at all so yabu. I am not sentimental or particularly private. It wouldn't cross my mind for dh to not look in my drawers or bag if looking for something.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 29-Nov-12 11:58:48

The wanting private space isn't unreasonable but your knicker draw is an odd place to expect to be private really. Does he not put clothes away after they've been washed/ironed? hmm

I'd be annoyed if DP put away all his own clothes and not mine if he was doing the clothes.

LarkinSky Thu 29-Nov-12 12:07:28

YANBU. But please can someone recommend an Organised Mum Diary? That is exactly what I need to sort out my life!

bradywasmyfavouriteking Thu 29-Nov-12 12:32:30

You didn't know it would bother you. So he didn't know. He was looking for something and it possibly could have been there.

Don't see what the issue is myself.


I really don't mind DH doing any of the above - he sorts washing/opens post/ gets stuff from my bag/answers my phone. But that's me - there are many other things I find difficult that other people would find totally fine (like if he serves my dinner ip for me - weird I know)

It's all about what you're comfortable with, and him knowing and understanding that.

Ip?? Wtf is ip? Clearly I meant up. blush

HullyEastergully Thu 29-Nov-12 12:51:21

We don't have any privacy at all. Both open all the post, see all the emails etc so it strikes me as weird, BUT so what? We are all different

...I don't even get to sh** in peace!

FredFredGeorge Thu 29-Nov-12 12:59:53

It's perfectly reasonable to have private space. It's not reasonable to assume DP knows which are though unless you've made it clear.

catgirl1976 Thu 29-Nov-12 13:03:51

I don't have anywhere private from my DH. It had never even entered my head to think about until I read your post.

Given he rifles through my underwear when I am wearing it, it really would't bother me if he did whilst it was in a drawer.

Seems really, really odd to me. But each to thier own.

I suppose I consider my phone, e-mails, facebook etc to be private and would be pissed off if he went through those, but not through a drawer or my handbag etc.

Just odd to me.

DowagersHump Thu 29-Nov-12 13:06:45

I suppose in times of stress (looking for a bottle of calpol) it wouldn't bother me but otherwise my knicker drawers are private

Even I don't want to rifle through my handbag.

Gawd only knows what lurks at the bottom.

There are no parts of my home I wouldn't be happy with DP searching, and he is welcome to go through my bag. However I would be cross if he'd been rummaging through my laptop or phone (not just using it, actually going through and reading files/texts/emails). I can't really explain why that feels like a greater invasion of privacy.

Ephiny Thu 29-Nov-12 13:12:59

Actually I found a chewed-up bit of rope in my bag the other day, so apparently the dog had been having a rummage hmm.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 29-Nov-12 13:14:53

I'm an odd bugger I don't think people should even touch stuff I leave around in my house if its not there's so yanbu

CaptainVonTrapp Thu 29-Nov-12 13:15:15

Dont you have a place he knows not to go because there could be a present for him in there? An expectation of privacy is perfectly reasonable.

Fakebook Thu 29-Nov-12 13:15:18

Yanbu. Since having dd and now DS I feel that nothing is my own anymore. Sometimes when I'm sitting bf-ing DS and dd comes and starts playing with my hair out of the blue it feels like not even my own body is my own!
DH and DD know that my bag is MINE. No one can go into my bag to retrieve ANYTHING without asking. My underwear draw is also my own. Apart from those two things I have no privacy in this house. I even have children following me when I'm having a poo. sad

OneMoreChap Thu 29-Nov-12 13:16:29

I ask to go in DW's handbag.

I put stuff away occasionally so know of no drawers closed to me.

I tend not to root through her desk, as I have my own, but I've never been told not to. I have a couple of locking file cabinets that she is not permitted to open - work stuff.

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 13:22:48

Yes he does put washing away. But opening a drawer, putting something in and closing it again is totally different from rifling through it.

My reaction probably was a little strong, but I knew that which is why I didnt voice it. Self control and all that wink.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 29-Nov-12 13:29:17

True enough OP. There must have been a reason he was having a good old look mind! Don't be surprised if you get underwear for Christmas! grin

BelaLugosisShed Thu 29-Nov-12 13:29:35

How weird, other than telling DH to keep out of a certain cupboard due to his presents being stashed away, it wouldn't occur to me that certain parts of the house that we share should be private, I go in his bedside drawers all the time, if I ever want a screwdriver/other miscellaneous crap, that's where they'll be. I've got things that are "mine" like my bags/jewellery box etc. but I couldn't care less if he had a rummage, he's got his stuff like his camera bag and if he objected to me having a nosey, he'd get this face > hmm .
I open his post too - on here that seems to be the crime of the century hmm .

seeker Thu 29-Nov-12 13:36:20

So it's only me that writes impressive things on our wall planner hoping that people will read it then- ds- County trials- 5.30- buy new boots. Dd, grade 8-11.30. Remember to book accompanist. Drinks-Ed and Justine- 7.00. Don't forget wisteria cutting.

OrangeLily Thu 29-Nov-12 13:39:06

We don't have privacy areas.

We rummage through each others drawers <ooooohhh errrr> and i open his post. I open the post because if I don't be opens it and puts it back in its envelope.angry this makes filing and paying bills difficult. I'm also home first most days.

grin seeker

What a good idea!

TunipTheVegedude Thu 29-Nov-12 13:45:35

rofl Seeker!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 29-Nov-12 13:51:33

I think it's a little odd to be bothered that he was looking in there as he was looking to see if the calpol was in there rather than just have a nosey... but even if he was just having a nosey it wouldn't bother me, as long as he didn't mess it up!

I suppose many of us have drawers, cupboards, bags or whatever that are 'ours' and have a certain expectation that stuff in there isn't for anyone else to use/take/rummage through - but on the other hand if my DH had a reasonable expectation he would find something in there that he needed/wanted/was looking for, it wouldn't bother me as I wouldn't be with someone who disrespect 'my' stuff.

I'm not sure I've explained that at all well - I know what I mean grin

Your anger at him over this does seem out of order though, yes. He was looking for medicine - surely nowhere is out of bounds as long as it's found?!

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 13:55:18

It never was found. shock

OneMoreChap Thu 29-Nov-12 14:18:07

Interesting. I'd never,ever, ever open anyone else's post.

I'd get very hmm if DW opened my bank statements. [Yes, I know we have web access to all the accounts, but it's the principle].

valiumredhead Thu 29-Nov-12 14:50:57

don't forget wisteria cutting

Snort! grin

JessieMcJessie Thu 29-Nov-12 15:38:51

DrawER, it's a drawER! (not aimed at you, OP)

TunipTheVegedude Thu 29-Nov-12 15:56:49

'Trim hornbeams along avenue'
'Dredge moat'

seeker Thu 29-Nov-12 16:13:35

Weed ha-ha.

bondigidum Thu 29-Nov-12 16:22:44

Yabu, hardly like its anything he hasn't seen before! Plus its just underwear.. Its not like some deep dark secret diary or anything. My only private thing is my phone.

I don't use a handbag, I use my pockets because I hate handbags with a passion but if I did have a handbag that would be private just because that is common courtesy. But not your knicker drawer, doesn't he ever do the laundry? If so he touches your dirty ones shock

mum11970 Thu 29-Nov-12 16:48:27

I don't mind my husband going through anything of mine, drawers, phone, handbag, post. In fact one of my kids seems to permanently have my iPhone when she's home and reads me any texts I get.

Aman1975 Thu 29-Nov-12 18:14:21

Dw knows all my passwords and keylocks, we have 1email account between us apart from work ones, there is nowhere in the house either of us can go. If either of us need money we go into each others wallet/bag. What have you all got to hide?

Aman1975 Thu 29-Nov-12 18:15:54

Can't go. Oops

DumSpiroSpero Thu 29-Nov-12 19:19:43

YANBU! I'm not fussed about my undies drawer tbh, but if anyone, including DH, was to go rifling through my wardrobe or handbag I would go batshit.

I've never been the tidiest person, and as a teenager my uber-tidy mum was constantly going through my room/bag ' because it needs tidying up' so I expect they'd why I feel so strongly about it.

Mind you, I really love my own space generally - tbh if we could live in separate houses with an interconnecting door I'd be thrilled!

Inertia Thu 29-Nov-12 19:25:05

Fine with DH doing it ( he would prefer not to go through my drawers or bag ) but would not be happy about anyone else doing it.

Ragwort Thu 29-Nov-12 19:26:33

I wouldnt particularly want my DH to rifle through my knicker drawer (mainly because it is such an unsightly collection of sensible underwear grin) but it wouldn't actually bother me, however I am 99% sure he never looks at anything because he never seems to know where anything is kept, I have a big walk in wardrobe that I don't think he has even stepped inside once grin.

Regarding post - my DH never, ever opens his own post - for an experiment once I didn't open his post for three weeks, he wasn't in the slightet bit bothered. Equally though, he would never open anything of mine - I wouldn't really care, sadly I don't have any secrets.

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