to think that my friend shouldn't just let her 1yr old scream in public

(109 Posts)
fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 16:45:57

he's always been a loud baby. He screams a lot (although only in public). It's not screams of anger or upset. It's more like screaming for screaming's sake. My friend just sits there whilst everyone around whinces in pain (it's an ear-piercing pitch). This happens is resturaunts and libraries. I find it very stressful and unpleasant. Worse still, my kids (who aren't screamers) start to copy.

takataka Wed 28-Nov-12 16:48:25

definitely. She should put the baby in a cupboard when he starts to scream. Or put a pillow over his head. Or maybe never go out in public with him at all.

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 28-Nov-12 16:49:40

so, what's your solution?

MrsjREwing Wed 28-Nov-12 16:51:01

A WWII gasmask should do the trick, baby will be upset, you won't be stressed though.

PessimisticMissPiggy Wed 28-Nov-12 16:51:50

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charlmarascoxo Wed 28-Nov-12 16:52:41

Hmm I agree with the cupboard suggestion.

Or invest in some ear muffs.

SneakyNuts Wed 28-Nov-12 16:53:09

Oh fucking hell.

What do you suggest she does, OP?

RyleDup Wed 28-Nov-12 16:53:55

Yes you're right op. She is clearly a terrible parent who has no idea how to control her child. Please tell her she needs a roll of gafer tape. Every good parenting books suggests this. This will solve the problem quickly and effectively.

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 28-Nov-12 16:53:57

Maybe the baby just doesn't like you OP?

WildWorld2004 Wed 28-Nov-12 16:54:35

I totally get what you mean. Your friend could just ask her child to stop or destract them with something else so they stop screaming. I dont think there is any need to LET a child scream.

Discipline. Screaming unnecessarily is out of order IMO and the child needs to be told firmly that this is the case. What a brat! I'd not meet up with them that would stress me and DD out too...

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 28-Nov-12 16:56:31

hahahah how many 1yo babies have you successfully persuaded to stop doing something by asking them, wildworld?

Ellellie Wed 28-Nov-12 16:58:15

I suggest you keep your distance in the future.

Nobody wants to be friends with a judgey know-it-all

fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 16:58:39

What do I suggest she does?

Distract comes to mind.

Mintyy Wed 28-Nov-12 16:58:46

Its a developmental phase and I have found that most babies can be persuaded not to do it repeatedly. Takes a bit of effort though!

Yanbu.

coppertop Wed 28-Nov-12 17:00:20

So it's not your fault when your children scream, but it's your friend's fault if her child screams? confused

SamSmalaidh Wed 28-Nov-12 17:00:37

Maybe you could try distracting him every time he does it? It might just not have occurred to her that it is something she could and should stop.

CecilyP Wed 28-Nov-12 17:02:20

You're right. Gaffa tape is very effective!

CecilyP Wed 28-Nov-12 17:04:59

Or a polite, 'please stop screaming, DC, fexedmamma is getting a little annoyed', might do the trick.

SusanneLinder Wed 28-Nov-12 17:06:45

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fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 17:07:57

"Its a developmental phase and I have found that most babies can be persuaded not to do it repeatedly."

My kids never did it, so have they skipped an important developmental phase?

And how can a parent get them to stop?

Janeatthebarre Wed 28-Nov-12 17:09:12

If she just sits there smiling and ignoring him YANBU. She should try and distract him, walk him around or take him outside if its a restaurant or library.

WildWorld2004 Wed 28-Nov-12 17:09:21

WhatstheBuzz even at 1 years old a child is old enough to be asked to do something. Just because the child is a year old it should be allowed to scream?

fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 17:09:44

coppertop - the minute my kids start copying, I tell them to stop because it's too loud and then distract them. That works.

Yet my friend just sits there and lets her son scream the whole resturaunt down.

SneakyNuts Wed 28-Nov-12 17:10:08

My 1yo DD has just learnt how to do this- I try to distract her but it just feeds it to be honest.

Asking a 1 year old to kindly stop screaming...good one!

LaurieBlueBell Wed 28-Nov-12 17:10:30

If she is doing nothing to distract him then YANBU that would drive me nuts. It is probably an attention seeking phase. Could you make some suggestions as to how she could distract him, perhaps she doesn't realise how annoying it is.

Mintyy Wed 28-Nov-12 17:10:47

Distract, say No firmly, distract again, change location, distract some more. I agree with you that parents should do their best to get their dc to stop doing this rather than just smiling indulgently.

littlemisspoppy Wed 28-Nov-12 17:11:23

I tried alsorts to get mine to stop screaming, the most effective way I found was too ignore them! If it was in a library and they kept doing it I would just leave the library though.

fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 17:11:25

"If she just sits there smiling and ignoring"

That's exactly what she does. I think she might even find it funny.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Wed 28-Nov-12 17:11:46

I think she has the right approach, don't give the screaming any attention. Otherwise baby learns screaming means attention. Painful as it is, baby is only testing it's voice and seeing what the reaction is. Eventually if it achieves nothing, they'll most likely stop. If not, it can be tackled when they get older and have a bit more understanding.

Janeatthebarre Wed 28-Nov-12 17:14:35

That's all very well Rabbit, but places like restaurants and libraries are not the ideal place to be training your child to realise this. What about other people trying to enjoy a meal they've paid for, or students trying to read in a library?

fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 17:14:54

Rabbitts - so everyone else gets their meals destroyed. They just have to suck it up?

FestiveDigestive Wed 28-Nov-12 17:15:43

My DD used to make a very loud screech just like a dinosaur. She was between 9-12 months when she repeatedly did this. She wasn't upset - I think she just enjoyed the sound.

We still went out - even to PUBLIC places. I now realise I was very lucky not to be banned from the library or thrown out of playgroups. I can't believe my friends stuck by me. They put their own babies at risk of catching the dinosaur screech.

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 28-Nov-12 17:19:00

fexedmamma so your 1yo is obedient and does as asked and your friend's doesn't? Gosh, what a brat. I thought you were referring to typical 1yo behaviour but if yours don't do it when you ask them not to............

Janeatthebarre Wed 28-Nov-12 17:19:21

The poing Festive is that libraries are meant to be quiet places where people are often trying to study or research. If your baby is a screamer why would you bring him in there?? Surely you could go when your DP is at home to mind the baby or even sacrifice a few trips to the libary until you have got him through this phase. It isn't all about you. There are other people to be considered.

Janeatthebarre Wed 28-Nov-12 17:19:50

Point, not poing.

MoomieAndFreddie Wed 28-Nov-12 17:20:47

yanbu - i get what you mean too OP

there was one in the cafe me and my friend was in today and his mum was just ignoring him, sorry but i think there are ways to distract babies, my dcs were quite screamy babies at times but i would be able to calm them if i tried. sometimes the more they scream the more they wind themselves up so if you can even calm them down slightly it helps chill them out iyswim

sometimes dummies are your friend blush

RyleDup Wed 28-Nov-12 17:25:06

Well I wouldn't take a one yr old going through a screaming phase to a restaurant or library anyway. Too much stress. Supermarkets however are fair game.

When you say 1yo, is that 12m or 23m?

It can be annoying to hear a child screech when the parent is doing nothing about it. But sometimes "nothing" is actually "ignoring the tantrums as recommended by the HV" or "taking two fucking minutes for herself out of a hellish day" so we can sometimes be kind.

MoomieAndFreddie Wed 28-Nov-12 17:26:48

yes thats true horatia - big difference there

Dead69Girl Wed 28-Nov-12 17:29:29

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My dd went through a phase of this. Only thing that stopped her was ignoring her.
Any attempt at distraction or plamássing just made her scream louder.

MoomieAndFreddie Wed 28-Nov-12 17:32:59

despite my last post, i do think its disgusting when judgemental cunts people tut and stare. and would never do it.

where is the need, it helps no one.

Beamur Wed 28-Nov-12 17:36:07

YANBU - ok, it's probably just a phase and maybe ignoring is a good tactic in the long run, but it is inconsiderate to allow a child to ruin everyone elses time. Sorry to those of you who have screamers, it can't be much fun!

Lottapianos Wed 28-Nov-12 17:36:59

YANBU OP. It would drive me insane. Agree with other posters who say distraction is the way forward. Not sure whether I would be brave enough to offer advice if she was my friend.

ElkiesBrook Wed 28-Nov-12 17:37:17

i tend to ignore attention seeking behaviour too

<hides thread. grin >

Mintyy Wed 28-Nov-12 17:37:54

Such a shame that Dead69girl's post will probably be deleted when it really should stand as a record of the type of thing she is prepared to say to a stranger on the internet.

takataka Wed 28-Nov-12 17:40:24

everyone else's meal aren't 'destroyed' are they, actually?

PatriciaHolm Wed 28-Nov-12 17:40:33

OP, did you really just join MN or change your username just to poke us with a stick post this?

yousankmybattleship Wed 28-Nov-12 17:42:33

Ignoring sounds like a pretty good policy to me. I hope she's also able to ignore your judginess. You don't sounds like a very good friend.

My ds is very loud, screaming not so much but he makes lots of happy loud noises, we were in church on Saturday night and there was nothing I could do to stop him, how do you stop a baby making very, very loud happy noises as loud or louder than a scream YABU.

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 17:42:40

sorry, but if you're somewhere like a library or restaurant and your child (of any age) starts to scream, and can't quickly be stopped, by distraction or whatever, then you have to remove them. It's not fair for others (especially in libraries, where people are working or studying) to have to listen to this. It's just one of those things that we as parents have to do, it's hopefully not forever. If you're friend just sits and smiles you might have to point that out to her. I'm certainly not saying that children should be seen and not heard etc etc, but they do have to learn how to behave in certain situations - don't they?

GrimAndHumourlessAndEven Wed 28-Nov-12 17:42:53

I am of the school of thought that ignores unwanted behaviour and not to give it attention BUT I would be loath to inflict on the public, so cafe lunches/leisurely library visits etc would be shelved in favour of the supermarket sweep/winter picnic brrrr/post books in the return box at the library til the phase had mostly passed

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 17:43:26

you can't necessarily stop them, but equally you as the parent have to be aware of those around you and if they can't be stopped, you leave.

SneakyNuts Wed 28-Nov-12 17:46:56

Great, now I will feel even more embarrassed when DD starts screaming when we're out in public.

The tutting, shaking heads and just general nastiness really doesn't help matters by the way.

Theala Wed 28-Nov-12 17:55:11

Removing your screaming child from the vicinity would be a good help though.

takataka Wed 28-Nov-12 17:56:27

i dont actually believe for 1 second that anyone would let their child scream loudly for any protracted amount of time, without doing something to pacify or leave. I believe OP is exaggerating shock

bondigidum Wed 28-Nov-12 18:03:13

Would you rather she stayed indoors 24.7 until her child outgrows it? Its a phase, many toddlers go through it much like biting or hitting. They scream to test the limits and to see how loud they can go (often they find it funny too). Tbh not much can be done, you can tell them off but they'll still do it. Its something you have to wait it out. Or buy ear plugs.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 28-Nov-12 18:04:49

Evening all
Just here to scatter some peace and love

TrustMeImANinja Wed 28-Nov-12 18:04:50

My 18 month old went through a screaming stage between 14-16 months. He was a baby, he found his voice and squealing was fun. My eldest did the same, its just a phase, saying 'no firmly' does exactly diddly squat.

My youngest particularly like to do it round tesco, I could have distracted him with some food but that'd probably be the title of another thread.

They soon stop, its just a phase. A common one.

I used to smile and carry on too.

SneakyNuts Wed 28-Nov-12 18:11:37

What vicinity did I mention? I said "out in public".

I agree it's not pleasant to hear a screaming baby whilst in a restaurant. But the types of people that seem to think it's as easy as reasoning with them are the same people who tut when I'm queueing at the GP surgery for example.

The same happened when she was ill and visibly distressed in hospital, I couldn't really remove her from that vicinity, could I?

Solola Wed 28-Nov-12 18:15:39

I'm going to reserve judgement on whether YABU until we find out whether baby is closer to 1 or nearly 2. If baby just turned 1, then ignoring may well be best idea. If closer to 2, I think this is old enough to understand that this behaviour is not ok. IMO

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 18:37:53

nobody is saying they have to stay indoors at all, what a ridiculous thing to say. But it might be that certain, non-essential situations should be avoided for a while, or be ready to leave should the need arise.

I'm finding it slightly astonishing that this needs to be explained, to be honest.

TrustMeImANinja Wed 28-Nov-12 18:39:01

True Solola.

AThingInYourLife Wed 28-Nov-12 18:44:58

The reason 1 year olds are so cute is to make up for their many shortcomings, not least amongst which is their complete refusal to give a shit about embarrassing the shit out of their parents by doing anti-social things.

thisonehasalittlecar Wed 28-Nov-12 18:47:00

<clicks on thread to see if it's about dd>

<child in op is boy. Phew!>

<leaves>

vj32 Wed 28-Nov-12 20:22:41

DS is going through a shouty phase, he is 18months. Actually its a 'Why are you making me sit in this trolley when I want to be walking and pulling nice things off the shelves?' phase as it is almost invariably in the supermarket. So if I try and make him stay in the trolley, screaming and shouting. He tries to climb out which is dangerous. Bribery works in the form of food. The only form of other distraction that works is random old women talking to him. There really should be some sort of hire an amiable granny service.

At the weekend I tried letting him walk round the supermarket. He was never far from me, didn't run and only once got in anyone's way (attracted by milk!), but again, the evils were amazing.

Anyway, I have had an amazing amount of horrible looks. I have also had 2 people make sympathetic comments in the 4 or 5 months since DS discovered he could undo any sort of restraint. I would have been one of those people who was shocked at putting a child in the main bit of the trolley or giving them food while going round the supermarket, but when you have been through it you know. If you don't, then maybe its just hard to understand. I think people should be more sympathetic of each other because you just don't know.

ihearsounds Wed 28-Nov-12 20:40:13

Why should parents of screamer avoid certain public situations? Yes it might be annoying, but there are loads of things that adult diners do that is annoying to others, but unfortunately we cannot ban them.
What about older screamers, should they also be shunned from resturants and libraries?

ThalianotFailure Wed 28-Nov-12 20:54:25

maybe those adults who behave badly in restaurants or wherever were never taught to take others into consideration, have you thought of that? And yes, absolutely older screamers should be removed from certain situations. I don't know what age you are talking about but DD is nearly 3 and if she started shrieking at the top of her voice in a restaurant or library, even if in jollity, if she didn't quieten down I would leave and make it perfectly clear to her why we were doing so and that I wasn't happy. She has to learn and it's my job (and DH's of course) to teach her. Plenty of time in the playground, soft play, at home for that, she's hardly being repressed.

I stopped taking DD to the supermarket for the big shop when she started being painful, and went in the evening, or (once she'd started at 2) when she was at nursery. She's alright for a small shop when she can sit in the main bit of the trolley and help but there wouldn't be room for her and the shopping for a main shop. These days, with extended opening hours and online shopping, it's hardly necessary, is it?

LynetteScavo Wed 28-Nov-12 20:58:20

OP, if it bothers you so much, why don't you distract the baby to stop him screaming? Your friend may then copy your approach.

umiaisha Wed 28-Nov-12 21:06:24

Dead69girl - I could have written your post!!

DS is an extremely loud screamy toddler and I it has got to the stage where I get quite anxious when eating out and generally being out in public. I have been told to ignore it so am trying to persevere with that..

LiegeAndLief Wed 28-Nov-12 21:07:13

Erm, at the risk of going against the grain, there is a big difference between "staying in 24/7" and taking a screaming 1yo to a restaurant. We didn't take ds to a restaurant for about 2 years because he was such a nightmare, made loads of noise, wanted to run around all over the place and then refuse to eat. Distracting etc didn't work very well and it was so much hard work it wasn't worth it.

We still went out loads - to the park, soft play, toddler groups, supermarket, shops, pre-school, occasional brief trips to library, possible McDonalds or similar. But I don't think prolonged screaming should be inflicted on restaurants.

And yes, screamers of any age should be shunned from restaurants. Amd libraries for periods over 10-15min.

<ducks and runs>

Cbh1978 Wed 28-Nov-12 21:25:48

We tend to grow out of it. Restaurants and libraries are particularly exciting screaming places. Take them to a cathedral. They are just epic for the old developing vocals.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Wed 28-Nov-12 21:26:10

Are we specifically talking restaurants here? Or just in public?

I have a daughter with behavioural problems, so over the years I've been in some might difficult situations with regards to behaviour and some of that was in public.

One of the things I have realised is that they are pretty smart and often don't distinguish between positive and negative attention. So completely ignoring and not reacting, followed by minimal excitement distraction, would be the best approach in my opinion.

If every time I squealed people jumped and looked at me/spoke to me/started to jovially "distract" me by talking to me and pointing something out, I'd probably be quite liking the fact that little old me can have such a big effect on the world, and continue.

If my baby started squealing mid-meal, initially I would apologise to other diners about the phase, and say best thing is ignoring it (if I said anything), and of course if it proved to be lengthy, I would remove child from the situation, maybe go change a nappy and have a short break to try and change the tone, and return to the table. If it turned out to be a spectacular case of squealing, then I might that day admit defeat and leave the very interesting restaurant and go home and do something very bland and boring, like put baby down for a nap.

My aim would be to make the squealing as unappealing as possible, without getting into a head to head with telling off (negative attention), or distracting them (positive attention), trying to continue what I am doing because they can't learn at home what not to do in public, and if I do leave, to make it non-rewarding, so they don't think that they can use it as a way to get away from places and go do something they find more interesting.

ihearsounds Wed 28-Nov-12 21:36:13

Not all screaming can be dealt with. Some epileptics scream during seizures. Apart from the scream, to outsiders there is nothing else going on, just parent/carer watching whilst the person screams and body goes rigid... Just something to think about next time you (general) judge about the parent doing nothing with the screamer.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Wed 28-Nov-12 21:38:40

And if you don't like screaming, definitely do not ever go to a soft play place, some of them are ear-splitting. I have to eat cake just to survive those places.

Meglet Wed 28-Nov-12 21:40:49

yes, you have to suck it up and let them get on with it.

If her nerves can take it then ignoring as the best way to deal with it.

cory Wed 28-Nov-12 21:55:02

I have been told that my parents were very proud of their parenting skills until I was born. My db was a lovely compliant baby and toddler who always did as he was told. They genuinely believed they had done that. Bless their innocent little hearts... grin

Hemlet Wed 28-Nov-12 21:55:59

I think an involuntary seizure and a toddler screaming are quite different. I can't see someone tutting or being annoyed at someone having a tonic clonic fit.

flow4 Wed 28-Nov-12 22:05:01

Some children with learning disabilities, physical disabilities and/or sensory impairments are 'screamers', and can't be 'stopped'. I assume the OP knows her friend well enough to be sure that this isn't the case with this DC. But it's worth considering the possibility if/when you see an unknown child screaming in a supermarket.

Itsaboatjack Wed 28-Nov-12 22:07:16

I think you are being both U and NU. My dd2 is nearly 3 and is loud, she just is, always. When she was younger she was a big screamer, there wasn't often anything I could do about it but I did always try. It's bad enough strangers giving you a hard time about it never mind friends. I have had people make comments in supermarkets etc. many times.

Even now she still only has a limited amount of 'quietness' in her, so I tend to be selective about when I am trying to shush her. I have one friend in particular who is always trying to shush her and I find it really annoying, it's her, it's who she is, if you don't like it stop coming round our house (sorry bit if a rant there). But yes when she did start screaming in restaurants or cafes etc I would definitely try and distract and quiet her.

Cbh1978 Wed 28-Nov-12 22:20:59

Go to a cathedral. The voice was God-given. God would like it. And imagine the resonance...

Mylittlepuds Wed 28-Nov-12 23:14:58

A 1yo?! Oh dear Lord OP.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 28-Nov-12 23:44:32

What's she meant to do with him then? She can't not go out until he's 18.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Thu 29-Nov-12 00:09:46

I have an occasional screamer and he ends up on the naughty step every time it happens. Seems to be learning fast not to scream

I think it's two separate issues really.

If your DC is in a screaming phase, and your plan is to ignore it -- by all means, go ahead.

But I do think that involves a trade-off, which is limiting time spent in places where it's really anti-social to let your child scream -- especially places where it's not really necessary for you to go, like cafes and libraries.

I mean, no one really enjoys going to Tesco anyway, and you have to get food, so that's not the end of the world. But this idea that everyone in a cafe should suck it up because that's the way you choose to deal with it? Sorry, that just seems really selfish.

It's disingenuous to say 'you can't make a baby stop screaming'. Of course, sometimes you can't. But that's a separate issue to whether it's fair to inflict it upon other people in avoidable situations.

Gingerodgers Thu 29-Nov-12 00:27:01

I like what you said dreaming, I left many an enjoyable afternoon early with friends and their kids because mine were not behaving, it's not ok to spoil things for everyone else.

Janeatthebarre Thu 29-Nov-12 13:36:30

Why should parents of screamer avoid certain public situations? Yes it might be annoying, but there are loads of things that adult diners do that is annoying to others, but unfortunately we cannot ban them.
What about older screamers, should they also be shunned from resturants and libraries? Quote

I don't really get this post. Obviously if your baby is a screamer you still have to go to the supermarket, use the bus etc. But restaurants and libraries are places that can be avoided when you have the baby with you, or places you can leave for a few minutes until the baby has calmed down again.

And of course adults creating loud, disruptive noise in a restaurant or library should be asked to stop, out of consideration for other customers.

JollyJock Thu 29-Nov-12 13:43:45

You're right. Your friend and her child should be confined to their own living room without company until the child is 21.

HipHopToDude Thu 29-Nov-12 13:47:18

My 18 month old DD has started with all this yelling & screaming.

When she is in the throes of it I can't even touch her - if I do she starts screaming "No! No! NO WAY!!" over and over and thrashes recklessly. She will scream and yell until she decides to stop, then she is sweetness and light (with a blotchy red face).

What should I do OP?

Lottapianos Thu 29-Nov-12 13:50:59

'But this idea that everyone in a cafe should suck it up because that's the way you choose to deal with it? Sorry, that just seems really selfish'

I agree actually. Yes, babies do scream but you have to at least try to manage it - it's not reasonable to just shrug your shoulders and act like it's nothing to do with you. If you're not supposed to sort it out, as the parent, then who is? confused

ItsALongWayToPickAWilly Thu 29-Nov-12 13:51:17

Yanbu. My DS can be a bit of a screamer sometimes, or other times he gets a bit carried away and shouts lots. I'm teaching him about indoor voices and how to behave while out in public. It doesn't always work and there are times when he ignores me and carries on anyway and that is when we leave. Mostly it works and he shuts up.

I will NOT have him screaming and shouting in public, it's just rude. Save it for soft play or another appropriate time.

Janeatthebarre Thu 29-Nov-12 13:51:33

Oh for goodness sake. No one is saying you can't go outside the door if your child is a screamer. Posters are just pointing out that you have to use a bit of common sense and consideration in that situation. A library is known as an area where people are expected to be extremely quiet. Why on earth would you bring a noisy baby in there and then remain on the premises when he is screaming?
Likewise, in a restaurant people have paid to enjoy a meal and have a chat with friends. Surely it is normal behaviour to avoid them as far as possible with a very screamy baby or, if you do decide to visit one, be prepared to leave after a few minutes if you can see he's disturbing other customers.

We did stop going to cafes/restaurants with DS for a good 18 months (other than to pop in for a very quick drink). It's really not the end of the world, we never felt confined to our home. We did a lot more picnics, having people over to our house, that kind of thing (which hey saves money as well).

mintymellons Thu 29-Nov-12 14:10:25

It is annoying, I agree, to hear other people's DC screaming. Neither of my two DDs did it.

Having said that, I can imagine that if your child is a screamer, making them stop might be quite a challenge. On the other hand, you should at least try shut them up. It sounds like you're fed up that your friend just lets her little one scream without trying to deal with it. YANBU about that.

Fakebook Thu 29-Nov-12 14:25:46

sad. My 10 month old has an ear piercing shrill scream. If he gets excited, he'll do it and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can't put my hand over his mouth. I can remove him from the place, but it's a hassle.

Unless you have a cure to this problem or any good ideas about how to stop a baby from screaming, YABU.

(I KNEW I was being judged by someone for his shrill screams...)

Ooh my 10month old adores shrieking round Sainsburys. Could you judge me too!

HearMyRoar Thu 29-Nov-12 14:32:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I think just leaving your dc to scream in a restaurant is just plain rude and inconsiderate. Personally I would not be impressed if on one of my few child free trips out for a meal I had to sit there with someones child screaming in my ear. DD is 8 months and if she starts screaming or more often ear splitting squeals of excitement I try and distract. If that doesn't work I remove her even if that means I pack up, pay and leave. Yup, that does mean I have left a fair few cakes half eaten but that's my own darn fault for having a baby.

KittyFane1 Thu 29-Nov-12 15:26:28

YANBU OP. She should at least take her DC out of the cafe or wherever you are. Sitting there smiling is not exactly proactive.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Thu 29-Nov-12 15:43:14

Thing is, with public places they are public no, you shouldn't make excessive noise in a library,but it happens, because it's a place all people can go. I don't like tramps sitting in their own piss on the tube,stinking, but hey! it's public transport.

That being said, I wouldn't put myself through taking a screamer to a library! A place to eat probably, as they may be distracted by the food, but nowhere posh (does anyone take a one year old to posh restaurants??)

If you can't handle it Op and I can understand that, maybe just meet at the park? Or round each others houses?

egusta Thu 29-Nov-12 16:00:22

I have a screamer too. (He is 2.5). I also naughtystep him- stops him at home, but he is msart enough to realise that when were are out that there IS no naughty step.

I aso get a bit sick of the tut tuts and the judgy stuff. Am doing my best here guys....

Janeatthebarre Thu 29-Nov-12 16:03:15

Yes a library is a place all people can go if they observe the keeping quiet rule. You cannot go there if you intend to have a loud mobile phone conversation or practice the violin or whatever. Likewise,if you have a loud screechy baby then you should not go there either. It's called having a bit of consideration for other people. Just because a place is public, it doesn't mean anything goes.

ellee Thu 29-Nov-12 16:17:42

Maybe the friend came to the cafe to visit and see the OP so then felt it would be rude to leave straight away cause the baby is screaming?

Also, I've no clear idea of what level of screaminess we're on about here. An all out screaming baby would have to be taken out and calmed down somewhere but maybe he's just a bit shouty on and off? I've certainly stayed in that situation, esp if I'd made special arrangements to see a pal and get out of the damn house. Would always have had a pile of items for distraction though from bottle/soother to books/toys. Find it hard to believe someone would stay where a baby was totally hystercial and could not be calmed down?

Sorry, it's just "screaming" to me says hysterical type crying, might be wrong???

egusta - you can get portable naughty spots - check eg eBay.

You can try threatening to ask staff where the naughty step is. Some will catch on and oblige. We use "by the front door" which translates nearly everywhere!

egusta Thu 29-Nov-12 19:51:42

thank you! This might change my social life quite considerably! (and reduce the stress of going out... )

fexedmamma Fri 30-Nov-12 13:39:03

"I believe OP is exaggerating"

I'm really not. And tbh I'm re-evaluating whether or not to go out with her again, at least without anyone else there to share the endurance.

hazeyjane Fri 30-Nov-12 13:51:59

Some children with learning disabilities, physical disabilities and/or sensory impairments are 'screamers', and can't be 'stopped'. I assume the OP knows her friend well enough to be sure that this isn't the case with this DC. But it's worth considering the possibility if/when you see an unknown child screaming in a supermarket.

Yes to this^^!

fexedmamma Fri 30-Nov-12 21:54:06

"Maybe the friend came to the cafe to visit and see the OP so then felt it would be rude to leave straight away cause the baby is screaming?"

She just sits there and smiles. She doesn't even try to distract him.

"Also, I've no clear idea of what level of screaminess we're on about here."

I'm talking full-on, ear-piercing, painful excited screaming. Normally I put on a brave face when a friend's child is acting up, but even I can't act my way out of this one. My discomfort (and everyone elses) is plain to see because the scream is so loud, that you physically reach for your ears out of instinct.

I think that while you cannot necessarily stop a one-year-old from screaming, you should remove said screaming one-year-old from public areas in which people expect a quietish environment, e.g. the library, most restaurants/cafes.

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